Chapter Text
As the moon gleaming amidst the dull sky, Eren Jaeger tasted smoke in his parched mouth.
Millions of meat skinned giants surrounding him. A slow march toward hell of people screaming and reaching for help. The burden on his shoulder heightened as the images of women, children, and men with tears streaming on their cheeks, watching as the giants stomped upon them in horror. Blood splattered anywhere. Old buildings crashed and burnt.
The emptiness within his chest grew and torn him apart. He was a monster, a devil born into this world only to bring doom and nightmares. No, no, no. He was doing it for Mikasa and Armin. For Paradis. For subjects of Ymir who had faced terrible racism and endless wars. Who are they again and why would he care about them so much?
A face of innocent boy with black cap appeared in his mind. His expression slowly turned into a frown as Eren kneeled before him. Why are you crying? Then he was—
Eren forced himself to open his eyes. He was no longer in a strange world where man eating giants exist. He was in his room, safe and sound. Red LED lights glowing in his room and it wasn’t blood. He quickly changed the light into dark blue to erase those horror images in his mind. His breathing became heavy and tears falling from his damp eyes. He put down his pen, hands trembling uncontrollably, unable to continue his story about his dreams in his journal.
He spread his hands above the table, its coarse skin touching his palms. His eyes darted anywhere inside his room. Table. Leathered journal. Laptop. Bed. His psychologist’s soothing voice emerged in his head, try to list the objects surrounding you if this happens. And he did. But the horror images wouldn’t stop flashing in his head like haunting ghosts.
A sob left his mouth. He tried to steady his breathing. It’s not real. It can’t be. He wasn’t capable of bringing apocalypse to the world. He was an ordinary man of eighteen years who had been accepted in university recently. An international relation major student from a middle-class family trying to get an undergraduate degree like everyone else. However, a disturbing thought rising in his head. What if… he was trying to redeem his sins in his dreams or alternate world or past life by becoming a diplomat? He shook the thought immediately before insanity took over his mind.
He flicked his gaze to the clock on his wall. It was two in the morning. Too early to do anything at all.
Eren didn’t sleep afterward.
He spent the last few hours before his first student orientation scrolling through social media. As the sun emerged, he forced himself to get out of his bed and shower. Momentarily, he watched his own figure on the clouded mirror. The wrinkles under his eyes darkened, his eyes still red due lack of sleep and aching sadness. He pulled his hair into a low bun. As he did, he could feel the grease across his strands of hair on his coarse palm. It had been almost a week since he washed his hair, but he had no energy to do so. He grabbed the dry shampoo that laid above the sink, spraying it over his head. He shouldn’t look depressed on the first day of orientation after all.
It took only a few minutes for him to walk to his faculty building. Unlike some of the new students, Eren chose to live alone in cheapest boarding house near campus rather in student dormitory. He couldn’t imagine himself living with a roommate, he would be all messy and sometimes scream in some nights due his nightmare. He wouldn’t want to disturb another person with his psychological issues.
A huge banner hung across the building, Welcome to Campus: New Students of Faculty of Social and Political Sciences! with photos of students smiling and nametags dangling across their chest. Eren passed by some students, mostly giggling in groups with casual attire. Most of them reminded him of his high school friends, and it made his chest ache of longing.
They went to the lecture hall inside. Eren followed them behind, trying to look not awkward by being alone, though most of them wouldn’t probably notice him. The hall was huge. Black chairs lined up, lamps above shining upon their leather skins. Eren darted his gaze, looking for an empty seat. He avoided to sit on the front row because the orientation would be boring and he didn’t want to get caught sleeping. His gaze landed on the three last rows and quickly walked toward it.
“Excuse me?” Eren asked to a girl with onyx hair and porcelain skin, she was talking to the girl next to her, but her shoulder bag was sitting right above the empty seat, “is this seat taken?”
She turned and Eren swore the world went quiet for a while.
It was the face in his dreams. Crescent moon eyes, pale skin, thin lips parted. A flooded of memories glittering in his mind; of her wrapping the red scarf, of her watching him with sad smile on her face, of her with tears on her damp cheek. She looked different, yet still felt like home. A pair of her dark eyes watching him without any clue at all and it made the emptiness inside his chest gnawed him.
“Uh, no,” she murmured, low but heard, she picked the bag to put it above her thighs, “Sorry, you can sit—” a frown creased on her forehead, “are you okay?”
Eren hadn’t noticed, but his view became more blur and a tear fell on his cheek.
Shit, shit, shit. He cursed an endless oath inside his mind. He didn’t have to ruin a moment like that.
He let out an awkward laugh. “Nah, I’m okay, just— couldn’t sleep last night,” he faked a yawn and wiped his tear. God, it was awkward. If he could disappear, he definitely would.
As Eren slumped into his seat, he glanced at her. She didn’t seem to mind his presence, and continue her conversation with her friend. Her outfit was casual with baggy jeans, black boots, matching her leather jacket and shirt. It took him a moment to see the difference between the one in his dreams. There was no scar on her cheek, but her hair reminded him of their teenage years in his dreams, short to her neck.
“Hey, keep checking her like that, I’ll pull your eyes out.”
A shiver went through his skin. Her friend grinned at him, as if she could read through his mind. She had the similar crescent moon eyes, watching back at him like a fox. Her hair was dyed pale white and fell upon her shoulders like an ocean wave. She reminded him of Korean celebrities.
“I didn’t mean to,” he said, and when the girl frowned at him with skeptical look across her face, he dodged the suspicion again, “really, just thought that your style is cool.” Eren turned to the girl of his dreams again, she watched him with eyes widening.
“Ha, liar,” the white-haired girl huffed, “what’s your name, anyway?”
“Eren,” he gulped, “sorry if I’m being a creep.”
“Geez, I was just joking. You look like we point guns at you or something, chill out,” the girl let out a carefree laugh, “I’m Sora, this is Mikasa.”
Mikasa only nodded at him, quiet as ever. Her expression kind and welcoming.
“So, what are you majoring?” Eren asked to both girls.
“I’m politics, she’s international relations.”
His heart dropped. “Really? I’m IR too.”
“Well, if this isn’t a coincidence!” Sora elbowed Mikasa with an unreadable look on her face, as if she was trying to tell her something, “Mik, you’ve got a friend already. I’m jealous.”
“I heard there’s another orientation for our department after this,” Mikasa uttered, her voice brought him back to his dreams once again. But Eren tried to ground himself to reality.
“Yeah, you coming?”
“Of course.”
They went quiet as a man with formal attire, black suit and glinting loafers, appeared on the stage. The orientation began as he tapped on the mic and welcomed the students with his speech.
“So, are you from around here?”
They began to descend the stairs from the lecture hall. Sora had excused herself to attend her own department orientation and left Eren and Mikasa alone. He started a conversation because he didn’t want to let the awkwardness killing him inside. Especially when Mikasa wasn’t the type of person who liked to talk much, at least, he knew it in his dreams. He didn’t know much about this Mikasa though.
“I’m an exchanged student, actually,” the thin smile on her face warmed him, and he didn’t even know why, “I came from Japan. Is that obvious?”
A flash image of the tattoo on her wrist emerged in his mind again. In his dreams, she was supposed to be a lost descendant of Shogun clan from Hizuru. Of course, it shouldn’t have surprised him at all.
“What? That’s cool, so you got a scholarship?”
“Yeah,” the smile on her face grew sheepishly, “lucky me, I guess.”
Eren couldn’t help but curious, “What makes you interested in international relations, though?”
At this question, Mikasa glanced at him. Eren felt as if he was trying to get to know her once again, or perhaps, he didn’t even know her at all even in his dreams. He never asked about her dreams, or her desires, or the things she would do after the war for Paradis ended. He was too focused on his goal to be free that he’d forgotten about his friends. No, no, no. He had done it for his friends. For them to live long, happy lives. But a part of him was lost. The weight of the world on his shoulder was too heavy that he risked having his empathy erased.
“My mom’s a diplomat,” Mikasa finally answered, “So I thought… why not follow her steps? I’m also interested in this major. It has wide range job prospects.”
Silence fell to both of them as they reached the end of stairs. Mikasa shattered the quietness between them by asking, “What about you?”
Eren blinked. “Huh?”
“What makes you interested in this major?”
The images of him crushing the world flashing in his mind again like a disease, slowly and painfully gnawing inside his skin, choking the breath out of him. He thought of his sins in his dreams. It was countless, for he was a war criminal painted red blood in the whole humanity’s mind. He wanted to end wars and inequality and hunger. He needed to pay what he had done. Even if it wasn’t real. Even if it was only in his dreams or perhaps another reality.
So many words he wanted to say, but they died at the tip of his tongue.
“Well,” he lifted a shoulder, “becoming a diplomat doesn’t really sound bad, is it?”
Eren had exchanged his Instagram account with Mikasa after the orientation. He couldn’t stop stalking her since then.
The image of her in Fushimi Inari Taisha, wearing a pink kimono, with her parents on both of her sides hugging each other warmed his soul. She looked like she was the happiest girl in the universe. A smile so wide that it could blind the whole world. Eren hadn’t seen her so happy before in his dreams. In fact, it was rare to see her genuine smile at all.
She was definitely from a rich family. The highlights of her Instagram account filled with many countries: Saudi Arabia, Italy, France, Netherlands, New Zealand, Swiss. Eren learned that her mother was a carefree, young woman who loved to wear designer clothing. But her father was much more of a low-profile, down to earth person.
Mikasa was a mix of both. Sometimes, she wore fancy dresses when she had to attend some of her rich friends’ party. However, she looked much more comfortable with casual clothing, wearing baggy jeans, oversized shirt, and sneakers. Even when wearing those, Mikasa still looked expensive. Those clothing probably costed as much as Eren’s living cost during a month.
A sigh left his mouth. She was much better without him. Why would he happen to stumble into her life again? He didn’t need to care about this girl so much. She was more privileged than him anyway. However, his fingers couldn’t stop scrolling through her feeds, and the hurtful words that he’d said in his dreams haunting him again, though he had done it for her own sake. Mikasa, ever since I was a child, I’ve always hated you. An urge of apology pushing his fingers forward to direct message her, but he halted his own fingers before he made dumb decisions and embarrass himself.
It was better if she didn’t know about his dreams at all. Eren didn’t want to bring storm into her serene life.
Also, he wouldn’t want to be seen as crazy.
A notification popped in his phone. It was a direct message from Mikasa.
Eren had to squint his eyes to make sure he wasn’t dreaming at all.
Mikasa Ackerman
Hey
You coming to freshman party this week?
Of course, she asked about this. Eren hadn’t expected anything but he felt a little disappointed. A little part of him wanted her to know about his dreams without having to tell her anything about it. Ridiculous as it sounded.
Yeah, he replied. He thought for a moment before decided to ask, want to come together?
It was profoundly dumb of him to ask that, yet he did it anyway. Eren had introduced himself to some of the other freshmen during orientation, but none of them had the similar tranquil aura as her. He was much more comfortable with her, as if he’d known her for years like in his dreams. Eren hoped she felt the same.
After a few moments, Mikasa finally messaged him back.
Mikasa Ackerman
Sure
Where do we meet?
Eren
I’ll meet at your dorm at 8 pm
Mikasa Ackerman
Alright, see u soon
A part of him wanted to continue the conversation, but he was a bad texter. He couldn’t find a topic that would intrigue her, so he scrolled past through her feeds again until a familiar person caught his attention.
It was a blonde-haired girl with glistening ocean eyes. Mikasa took a picture with her in Les Deux Magots cafe, sitting on the chair outside all black with long leather blazer, belt wrapped around her hip, short pants. Her rectangular glasses settled on top of her head. The round earrings she wore was gold under the sunlight. The other girl dressed the similar style. A beige blazer, matching the color of the tank top, leathered black pants. The thick chain necklace around her neck made her look more luxurious.
@mikasackerman: miss this girl already.
Eren noticed that this post had more likes and comments than the others. As he clicked the comments, a verified account popped on the top of the comments.
@reisshistoria: miss u too girlie! let’s meet again!!
At the name, his head ached. Eren clicked the profile, she had two million followers with only eight thousand following. She was both an influencer and founder of a fashion clothing line. Apparently, she also attended a fashion school in Paris. A very hard-working, ambitious girl indeed. The highlights of her Instagram filled with her promoting her brand, skin care routine, the hectic assignments of her school, friends, and party.
Do they know? Or am I the only one losing my mind here?
Eren put his phone above bed, facing the ceiling and watching the dark blue LED lights shimmering in his room. He let out a low sigh. He really needed to talk to his psychologist, but he had quit from therapy due college reasons and moving to another state. He had to find another one.
He forced himself to think of something else. The darkness filled his gaze as he closed his eyes. Mikasa was happy. Everyone lived their normal lives here. His dreams did not exist.
The orientation week had been a little chaotic but fun.
Eren, along with other freshmen, went through campus tours, also played some games and competitions, making the whole tension between them less awkward and more enjoyable. He had talked and become friends with most of them. Sometimes they shared laughs and small talks. None of them, except Mikasa, existed in his dreams. He didn’t know whether it was a relief or not. At least he didn’t have to worry of potential panic attack.
At times, Eren stole quiet glances to Mikasa. She laughed a lot. Especially the moment when someone, a typical class clown, was making jokes during games or group physical activities. He memorized of how the lines of her lips turned upward and eyes slowly becoming crescent moons as she smiled. He wanted to put it on display over countless memories of agony that both of them had been through forcibly. It was a tragedy that she was an art but he couldn’t even paint at all.
His mind was too broken to be fixed. It was all too late.
The end of orientation week was near. At night, the party would be held to celebrate and finish off the week. Eren, slumping into his chair with legs fidgeting uncontrollably under his table, was debating whether to message Mikasa or not to come to the party with him. For sure, he had seen Mikasa already making friends with the some of the girls, also probably had made group chats with them. Did she still want to come with him? Or did she already make plans to go with her friends?
Fuck it, Eren thought. He direct messaged her and probably would regret it later.
Eren
Still wanna to come together?
Eren let out a sigh as he buried his head under his hands. A vibration from his phone, indicating a new notification, made his shoulders slightly shot upward. He felt like a stupid middle-schooler with silly crush again.
Mikasa Ackerman
Sure, my dorm at 8?
Eren
Yeah
Apparently, Eren was worst at timing. He arrived at her dorm thirty minutes late, driving his second-hand Nissan Versa, wearing casual denim jacket with white shirt and dark pants. It took only a few minutes after he messaged her until she appeared. He was a bit grateful that Mikasa didn’t look annoyed, even only a bit, as she opened the car door and greeted him with a smile. Eren had heard that Japanese people were punctual, so he shouldn’t be surprised if she was secretly annoyed at him.
As always, she looked great, especially with her lilac graphic oversized shirt, ripped baggy jeans, black shoulder bag, and white sneakers. The streetwear style suited her.
“Sorry I’m late,” Eren said as he pulled the car from the parking lot, and turned to the street, “Had to eat first before coming here.” He lied. He didn’t eat at all.
“It’s fine,” Mikasa uttered, curling her lips into a smile.
An utter silence filled the air. The faint noise of his playlist from Spotify through his car radio echoed into the car, playing a song from The Neighbourhood.
I’m thinking we should ride.
To a place that we don’t know.
“Any song requests?” asked Eren to break the silence. He kept his gaze on the road, but through his side view, he could see Mikasa shaking her head.
“It’s fine, I like this song. A fan of Neighbourhood?”
Eren grinned. “Can’t say a fan, but I like some of their songs.”
“Yeah, lurk and sweater weather sound good.”
“Well, they’re kinda famous. What genres are you into, anyway?”
A beat. “Bet you didn’t even know them if I told you.”
Eren stole a glance to her for a second. She was gazing at the road with relaxed expression. “Try me.”
There was a shift in her seat as she leaned back. “I’m kinda into Japanese City Pop.”
“Thought you were more like an indie type.”
A short laugh came from her, making him smile. “Most people say that. I do like indie, but city pop just hits different.”
His car stopped at red light. Slowly, he turned to face her. “What’s the song called? I might into it as well.”
Her eyes widened, but she told him anyway, “Try ‘Stay with Me’ by Miki Matsubara.”
Eren quickly unlocked his phone screen to find the song through his Spotify. An album picture of a Japanese woman with black suit and white background appeared. He clicked the song. The rhythm of upbeat tone reverberating into the air. A mixed of urban and nostalgic feeling of the 80s calmed his mind. It strangely boosted his mood.
To you.
Yes, my love.
To you.
The Japanese words in the song’s verse were foreign to his ears, but the upbeat tone made him careless about it. Eren bounced his head at the rhythm. “This song pops off, not gonna lie.”
A thin smile appeared on her lips, “You got some taste, I see.”
Stay with me.
“It sounds like old songs.”
“It is,” Mikasa uttered, “It’s released in the eighties.”
“Still good to listen nowadays, huh,” Eren grinned as he glanced at her again, “We should follow each other on Spotify. Might as well find hidden gems on your playlist.”
Her smile settled. A blush warmed her cheeks. “Definitely.”
As they arrived at the destination, Eren settled on his driver seat. He took a deep breath before saying, “Hey, Mikasa.”
Mikasa’s hand was ready to open the door, but she stopped herself and turned to him, “Yeah?”
“I’m not trying to be paranoid or scare you, but,” he licked his lips, the memory of freshman orientation flaring again in his head, especially the one when a professor presenting about The Red Zone, a time spanning during freshman year where sexual assaults are statistically found to occur, “I want you to stay put and don’t get lost, don’t go anywhere without me. Or if you want to go with your friends, you gotta tell me first. Especially when you want to go home. Also, don’t drink too much or accept a drink if you don’t know what’s in it. It’s important.”
A thin smile tugged across her lips. In the low dim of light, her smooth porcelain skin glittered. The strands of her bangs fell upon her forehead, shadowing her darkening crescent moon eyes. Eren didn’t know whether it was his own imagination or not, but she looked tired. Dark shadows rimmed below her eyes, as if she had barely slept.
“Sure,” she muttered, “don’t worry, I can take care of myself.”
Of course, she could. Mikasa Ackerman wouldn’t let anyone to touch her recklessly.
It was a quiet neighborhood. A faint sound of EDM music blaring from the Neo-eclectic house. A couple hung in the porch. A girl threw up in the bushes. Various group of college students who arrived latterly laughed to each other as they went inside through the door. Eren followed them behind with Mikasa. As Eren pushed the door open, a pale face with ocean eyes grinned at him.
“Yo, Eren, my boy,” greeted Lucas, his senior. He hugged him tight for a moment, his breathing reeked of alcohol. “You coming with Mik? Hi, Mik.”
“Yeah,” Eren forced a smile as he pushed the senior slowly, he glanced at Mikasa who only gave Lucas a thin smile, “Seems like you’re already having a good time, Lu.”
“You’re famous, y’know,” Lucas pointed an index finger with half-lidded eyes, “Everybody been asking for you.”
Eren frowned, “Huh?”
A tap on his side hand made him turn.
“I’m gonna meet my friends,” Mikasa stated, “Is that okay?”
It felt weird. It felt like she was uncomfortable of having the obligation to tell him of her whereabouts. He didn’t blame her, who was he anyway? For her, he was just a boy from her major who she’d met days ago.
The Eren Jaeger she knew wasn’t a person who had saved her from a gruesome kidnapping or a person who became titan to save her. He was a normal person, attending college like everyone else, trying to figure out his own future. The Eren Jaeger in this world wouldn’t roar into the air, seeking freedom with all costs, even his own life. The Eren Jaeger in this world would probably end up in a cycle of corporate life after college, working nine-to-five to pay bills. Perhaps start a family or die alone.
In this world, he wasn’t a hero nor villain.
“Okay,” said Eren, “If you need a lift later, just tell me.”
Mikasa vanished into a sea of blurred dancing people. She found her friends, but his vision lost on her.
As Lucas introduced Eren to the other upperclassmen, his mind couldn’t stop wandering and looking for Mikasa. He settled his gaze on her, a carefree laugh left Mikasa as she went on and on in an unheard conversation between her friends, her voice drowned amidst EDM music, and Eren desperately searched for it.
Lucas forced him to talk to some girls, making him to break his sight on her. It was a few minutes of hell boredom. Slowly, it became hours. All the girls introduced themselves to him, but Eren barely remembered their name as the second passed by. They tried to get him into their conversation, yet Eren didn’t feel like he fit in. As Eren looked around his surrounding again, Mikasa disappeared without a trace.
“Hey,” asked Eren to one of her friends, Cecilia— or Lucia? The brunette held a ping-pong ball, a frown creased on her forehead, as if he disturbed her beer pong game, “Where’s Mikasa?”
She shrugged. “Probably with Noah.”
No face appeared in his mind. He was terrible at remembering names and faces. “Where?”
“Dunno, they went inside,” a smirk formed across her lips. A tinge of pain sparked inside his chest. He should’ve minded his business. It was probably a casual hookup.
However, he couldn’t stop his own legs by walking into the house. Eyes blazed, desperately looking for a familiar onyx haired girl with dark sky eyes. He pushed forward, surging into the mass of people, earning a glare and a shout. He finally halted when his gaze landed on a blonde-haired guy, holding someone seemingly unconscious with her hand over his shoulder.
He took a step to the stairs, but Eren tapped his shoulder, touching the girl’s hand.
“Dude, where are you taking her?”
“Huh?” his breath stank of alcohol, face red and eyes half-lidded, he looked too old to be freshman, so he must be one of Luc’s senior mates, “Upstairs.”
Eren couldn’t help but wrinkle his nose in disgust. “She doesn’t look like she wants it though.”
A low groan left Mikasa. She tilted her head to the side, eyes fluttered close but the movements below her eyelids visible. The guy settled his hand above her side head, pressing her toward his shoulder. A severe burning sensation sent throughout Eren’s skin, he held the urge to shove the guy toward the wall or threw his whole body to the ground.
“Hands off her,” Eren tried to take Mikasa’s hand from the guy’s shoulder, but he drunkenly slapped him.
“What the fuck? Who do you think you are, asshole? Just ruining the fun.”
“She’s my girl, hands the fuck off her.”
“Fuck!”
The guy insisted on keeping Mikasa, holding her hand tight and pushing Eren by the shoulder to take the stairs. Eren kicked his leg sturdily, a wide cocky smile spread across his lips as the guy stumbled on his own steps. Eren caught Mikasa before she fell, he put her hand over his shoulder to steady her, and his other hand carefully held her tight by the waist.
“Shit!” a shout came from the blonde-haired guy, his hoarse voice echoed into the room as Eren helped Mikasa to get the hell out of here, dozen pair of eyes glanced at his way but none of them approached him, only whispered incoherent words to each other as if Eren gave a damn about them.
Eren struggled to find his car key. He noticed his hand trembling uncontrollably as he tapped the button on his car key. He blinked, but his sight glitched. A quiet neighborhood of Neo-eclectic houses became shattered old German buildings. His car key disappeared. A sword smudged of fresh blood in his grip. The ground under his feet whimpered. A desperate cry from afar piercing into his ears. As his gaze fell to his body, his denim jacket also vanished. A crop brown jacket warped his body, along with strange tight straps from his thighs to feet.
His body was a whole mess of burning meat. A low cough from the person he carried made him turn. It wasn’t Mikasa, but a blonde-haired boy with blood streaming on his forehead and eyes filled with horror.
Eren took a step back. His legs shaking, and the earth below him cried in agony.
“Armin?”
“Huh?”
A blink. Eren was home again. His car key appeared in his hand. Mikasa snuggled toward his shoulder, a frown creased on her forehead, still unconscious. His grip on both her waist and hand over his shoulder tightened, he didn’t want to lose her again. The shrill ringing in his ears made his head ache. He had to steady himself on the ground until he could focus and start to dart toward his car.
Eren lowered Mikasa carefully in the passenger seat, putting on her seatbelt. Her head fell to the side, eyes still closed deep in slumber. He pulled down the seat slightly to make her more ease and comfortable. Watching the rise and fall of her chest reminded him that she was alive, safe and sound, peacefully drowned in her own dreams. There was no war for Paradis, or man-eating giants, or the outside world who despised their race. No one would chase them to death.
She’s safe, he convinced himself. He pivoted toward the driver seat, closed the door, and started the car engine. He repeated the words so many times that he didn’t realize they slipped out of his tongue.
“You’re safe here,” Eren mumbled into the vacuous air. The car moved forward. His eyes glued on the road, but the memories of her saving him, over and over again, either from a mindless Titan or Military Police or soldiers from Marley, clouded his mind like a broken television screen.
“Mikasa,” he called the name she didn’t hear, “You’re safe in this world.”
She had saved him countless times before, and it was his turn to save hers.