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Felix should’ve known that this was going to happen. He was the type to catch feelings really quickly. Falling fast and deep.
So when a certain short male caught his attention, it was just a matter of days. The older boy was introduced to their small group of three by Hyunjin, but he quickly became a fixed part in the group, spending nearly every weekend at the others shared flat. They got along really quickly, sharing a lot of interests. His sexuality wasn’t a mystery either, due to their group being really open with everything. His love for affection was welcomed as well, as the other male loved cuddles too.
It seemed like a match made in heaven, so it was no wonder that the blonde caught feelings in just a few weeks. He was the first male to catch his eye and his heart, what made the feelings even stronger. He daydreamed of the older during online classes or shortly before falling asleep.
The first time he revealed his feelings to Hyunjin, his heart was beating fast and on his face was the biggest grin ever. He hadn’t planned on telling him, but he just had to get the thoughts out. If not, his heart would’ve probably burst. He had already told Jisung beforehand, but he discouraged him, saying this takes time and should not be treated lightly. A crush in the friend group could easily lead to a broken heart.
So when Hyunjin encouraged him, he felt like he was the happiest person in the whole world. Hyunjin told him he should wait till they get to know each other more, but he could see them both in the future.
The younger was so excited for the coming weekend. The male was set to arrive in a few hours, with the plan to sleep over for two nights.
They planned to watch some horror movies and Felix was planning on using it as an opportunity to get his desired cuddles. Jisung, one third of their shared flat, was at home with his parents, leaving only Felix and Hyunjin. And now Changbin of course.
The evening started chill. Felix got a new game he wanted to try, but shortly gave up playing so they all could spend their time together. They decided to put one a psychological horror movie, with some jump scares included. The couch was pulled out to a bed, full with comfy blankets and pillows. Changbin was sandwiched between Felix and Hyunjin.
Felix tried to initiate the cuddles, as he usually did. But after some time he felt like he was bothering the older more than he enjoyed it. He didn’t know what changed, but it made his heart sink. At every jump scare he wanted to nuzzle into the others side and hide his face, but Changbin always threw himself at Hyunjin, so he didn’t even have the chance.
After a while he gave it up and just lied on his side of the couch.
Some time later he suddenly woke up to Hyunjin carding through his hair, slowly messaging his head. Felix realized he fell asleep at one point through the movie, but it was quiet now and you could only hear the two males talking quietly.
He didn’t want to intrude, but he was still half asleep and he was enjoying the sensation too much to say anything. The only thing he noticed was them talking about old friends and relationships. He couldn’t quite make out where the older male was lying now, but after a while he felt another hand bumping into his, so he guessed they were cuddling closely.
At one point, Hyunjin woke him up, asking if he wants to sleep in his bed. The younger shook his head sleepy, because suddenly the idea of his own bed seemed lonely and unbearable. He knew that Changbin was going to sleep in Hyunjins bed, probably cuddling him to death.
The others left him alone, saying good night, but he could hear them giggling like two teenagers in love even through the closed doors.
He was wide awake at this point. He knew he would have a hard time falling asleep again, so he went through tiktok, hoping it would make him tired again.
When he heard them giggling again, he felt his heart sinking. He couldn’t quite place the feeling that was building up in his chest, but he realized quite late that he was crying.
He furiously wiped them away, angry at himself that he cried like a child at something so stupid. Of course they were close, Hyunjin met Changbin first and they were texting the whole time, while Felix tried to strike up a conversation once a week, not wanting to come off as clingy. And it was not like Changbin knew about his feelings.
But it still hurt. It made him think of all his past friendships, were he felt like the „other“ friend, just an annoying addition to the hot friend who would get every girl or guy they desired, even when Felix actually had a crush on one of them. He lost count on how many times his heart was broken, because a crush of his was actually crushing on his friend. His friends never cared about that, they mostly kissed them anyway, even without real feelings.
He reminded himself that Hyunjin and Changbin were just good friends, and not anything more. It still felt the same as his past friends.
At around 4 he decided to go to sleep in his bed anyway, mostly due to his phones battery. But also because it was the furthest room away from Hyunjin’s.
The next morning, he was quite productive. He cleaned everything, took a shower, started to study for his upcoming exam. He tried to distract himself the best he could, but the feeling from last night just didn’t go away. He practically ignored the two as well, not wanting to let the feeling grow. He ended up in his bed, with an empty stomach, watching some of his favorite music videos to get the serotonin going.
This lead to them thinking he had one of his known blue days, where his depression hits him full force and he just lays in bed all day. And they were kind of right, just that it wasn’t depression, but heart break.
He didn’t even know himself at the beginning. He really thought it was just a depressed day. But the more he could hear them talk, the more he got angry and irrational. He felt left out, even though he knew it was his own fault.
But a depressed brain is tricky and manipulative. It whispers every insecurity you have in your ear, making you believe it.
They don’t need you, you are just a disturbance. They want to spend time alone. They don’t want you here. You are not good enough for either of them.
Hyunjin came in at one point, asking if he was alright. He didn’t have the heart to tell him, so he pretended he was fine and just busy studying. He tried to talk about random topics to avoid talking about the real issue. And it worked. He felt a little bit better, convincing his brain that Hyunjin would never hate or leave him. They decided to order some food, and Felix realized it was already late and the only thing he had had today was coffee.
When the food came nearly an hour later, he wanted to vomit. It was awfully quiet on the table, nobody really talking. He concentrated on the food, but barely touched it. The smell made him sick, and every single bite was really hard to swallow. He finished his rice, but barely touched his noodles, texting Jisung he could have them later. He disappeared in his room again shortly after, hoping the sickness would go away on its own. After he closed the door he could hear the two talking and laughing again.
Jisung had texted him the day before, asking if he could pick him up at the station. He was glad now, because it was a reason to escape the flat for once. An hour later he went to the living room, telling the two boys, who were cuddling and watching TV, that he was gonna pick Jisung up now.
Normally they would all pick up friends together, even tho it was clearly a one-man job. But they enjoyed the car ride, singling along loudly. They hardly got out lately due to online school, so they used every opportunity to leave the flat.
This time they didn’t even ask if they should come along. And Felix reasons that they don’t have to, of course, especially because he forgot to tell them beforehand. He knew that it wasn’t a big deal, but his depressed brain still made a big deal out of it. It wasn’t helping that they had been laughing when he came out of his room, but were suddenly dead silent when he got dressed.
It was weird. The atmosphere was weird. He knew it was his fault. But he didn’t know how to fix it.
The last time he smoked was a year ago. He only did it when he first went to therapy, to deal with the stress and anxiety. He hardly ever did it again, just on particular bad days.
The second he stepped out of the flat, he lit one of his old cigarettes. It made him feel better and worse at the same time. He knew his friends hated it when he smoked, mostly worried for his health.
The guilt ate him up inside, so he stumped it out after he only smoked half of it.
When he finally made it to the train station, he still had some minutes left. He decided to listen to some music, but unfortunately „Mirror“ from Justin Timberlake came on. Normally he wouldn’t be affected by the lyrics, but something in him just broke. Tears were running down his cheeks and he started to sob loudly.
Suddenly, he realized what the damn feeling was. He not only felt left out, but also betrayed. It felt like Changbin chose Hyunjin over him, and vice versa.
And for him, in his depressed brain it made sense. Hyunjin was the better one out of the two, more cuddly, more flirty, more stylish, better at every hobby they shared, more open, more social.
Just more of a good partner and friend than he was.
Who wouldn’t choose Hyunjin over him, boring old Felix, who couldn’t communicate very well, who sucked at initiating intimacy and cuddles, who was too much in his own head, who had too many mental health problems and was more of a burden than a friend?
When he looked out of the window again, he saw Jisung approaching the car. He quickly wiped his tears away, greeting the older with a tired smile.
And he didn’t want to, but as soon as Jisung opened the door, he spilled everything. He tried his best to explain what was going on in his head, but Jisung, of course, tried to rationalize everything.
And it made sense. But it still hurt.
„What are you gonna do now?“, his best friend asked. „Go cry in my bed all night“, he joked, even though that was exactly his plan.
When they arrived, he immediately disappeared in his room again. At this point, he didn’t care anymore, he just let the tears fall.
He slipped into his bed, in complete darkness, and cried his heart out. He slowly came to the realization that he couldn’t do this anymore. His feelings were too deep already, and it won’t get better. He didn’t want them to stop being themselves anymore, or keep a distance from each other. He wanted them both to be comfortable in this friendship.
But he couldn’t crush on someone he knew for sure will never be his. He didn’t know if Changbin actually had feelings for Hyunjin, but he could bet that, at some point, there will be something more than friendship between the two.
And even if not, his own jealousy was eating him up.
People used to tell them that they were thinking that he and Hyunjin were a couple, the way they acted.
He never understood it, because they were just best friends? They didn’t even act like a couple.
Now he understood. Because if he didn’t know that Hyunjin and Changbin were just friends, he would bet everything that these two were a couple in their honeymoon phase. They were constantly touching and cuddling each other, giggling like they both shared a secret only they could know.
And it broke his heart.
Normally he would get over crushes quickly. He couldn’t change their feelings so why cry after them? This time it was different, and he couldn’t explain why.
He could hear them laughing faintly. They must be watching some meme videos. They didn’t even ask him. Part of him knew it was his own fault. Why should they ask him when he was hiding in his room the whole day?
Their laughter became louder and louder.
They are having fun without you.
He wanted the voice in his head to stop. It provided him with memories of past friends, who left him out as well, who ended the friendship because his depression became too much to handle.
He couldn’t take it anymore. He was frantically searching for his earphones, but he couldn’t find them anywhere. His heart started to race and he felt like he couldn’t breath. He sank down his door, pulling at his hair and ears to distract himself from the noise.
Halfway in, he realized he was having a panic attack, which made him panic even more. He finally found some headphones and turned on his music on full blast to focus on something other than his thoughts.
After searching for some calming playlist, he contemplated to text someone, but the little voice in his head told him not to be a bother again. He thought about tweeting, just to let it out, but he didn’t want to worry anyone. Especially because he couldn’t even tell what exactly was wrong, except that everything hurt.
Some minutes later, he finally decided to text Hyunjin.
(To Hyunjin) Please come to my room
(To Hyunjin) alone
(To Hyunjin) I think I just had a panic attack
(To Hyunjin) please I need you
He could hear the older laughing. Apparently he wasn’t looking at his phone, but Felix desperately refreshed to see if he had seen the message. Ten minutes later he lied down on his bed, just waiting for his best friend.
Suddenly the music stopped. His wireless headphones ran out of battery.
He immediately cried out, not wanting to hear their laughter again, a constant reminder that he was left out, while reminding him that it was his own fault at the same time. He repeated „please stop“ like a mantra, crying it out loud enough to tune out the laughter.
When he finally heard his door crack open, he started to sob uncontrollably. He was feeling relieved and guilty at the same time. He could feel Hyunjin lying down behind him, gently hugging him and carding through his hair.
After what seemed like an eternity, his breathing slowed down and the sobbing stopped. The older didn’t say anything, just gave him time to calm himself down.
When he finally felt better, the blonde gave him a short explanation that it was triggered by him feeling left out, even though he knew it was his own fault. Hyunjin explained to him that they just didn’t know how to approach him. It made sense, he hadn’t communicated in any way.
It made him feel worse and better. They went back to the living room, deciding to watch Felix’s favorite movie. He went to bed in the middle of the movie, because his headache was killing him. Hyunjin asked if Felix wants him to join later to cuddle. He said he could decide. Because he wanted him to come alone, but he knew that Changbin probably would join them. And for once, he wanted distance. He hoped Hyunjin would still come, alone.
The next morning he woke up in his bed alone. It wasn’t that much of a surprise.
He tried to act normal the rest of the day, trying to convince them it was just one bad day. It worked, even though the atmosphere was still weird. Even Jisung told him that he could feel it too.
The next few days he spent his alone time thinking about the situation. He knew he had to get over his crush quickly, even when it hurt. He decided to keep a little distance, maybe not text him too much. He could feel it getting better every day, probably because he hadn’t had a crush for too long.
He told the others his crush was over, mostly to convince himself he was over the male. He feared the next weekend, but to his surprise it did get better.
He was never quite over the older, till he met Chan in a bookstore, weeks later.
❦
It started with talking about his favorite books. You could easily charm Felix with book talk. Especially because the other male had taste.
For once he felt brave and asked the other for his number. He happily went home later with a new contact named „Chan <3“ in his phone - named by the brunette himself.
He kept him to himself for quite a time, wanting to see if the attraction was on both sides to avoid a Changbin situation again.
After their first formal date - arcade and a movie, his favorite type of date - he introduced him to his friends, and they all got along quickly.
Chan told him that he was a fan of skinship and cuddles, but he kept it lowkey in the group. The others even thought he wasn’t a fan of cuddling, till they saw Felix getting cuddled to death while watching a horror movie.
During a deep talk in the middle of the night, when Chan was sleeping over for the first time, Felix came clean about everything that happened last year, his history with mental health issues and his short but intense crush on Changbin.
Chan, in exchange, told him about his anxieties and depressive episodes. He told him that whatever happens, he knows how the younger feels and he will try his best to help him through everything.
"I will never leave you behind“, he whispered and pressed a soft kiss on the blondes lips.
When they went to bed later, he wasn’t sleeping alone, but in the older’s arms.