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“So, do you like him?”
“No! I’m not gay, mom!” Michael said quickly. She smiled and held up her hands in defense.
“Fine! Fine! Sorry I asked! You know there would be nothing wrong if you were,” she gave him a look and put down her arms. He nodded and stood up, equal height to her. Michael gestured to the stairs. She laughed before continuing.
“Jeez! I can take a hint. I’ll go. It’s nanay’s turn for dinner tonight, thank goodness, so come up around 7, ok?” He nodded again before giving her a kiss on the cheek. He sat back down on one of two beanbags, listening to the creaking steps and squealing door as his mom walked up and out of his room in the basement.
“I’m not gay” he muttered to himself. A text lit up his phone and then his face when he saw who it was.
Player Two: Hey, can I come over? My dad’s being my dad and I can’t handle it right now.
He smiled at his phone as he typed his response.
Sure dude, want me to pull up AOTD?
Jeremy’s reply came just as quickly as his own.
Player Two: Yeah, I’ll be over in a few minutes.
Michael gave a short “ok” to let Jeremy know he saw his text, before shutting off his phone and starting Apocalypse of the Damned on his console.
==
“No! Look who’s signing up for the play!” Jeremy yelped, Michael turned his head slightly to look at the bulletin board, where Christine Canigula was currently doing exactly what Jeremy said, signing up for the play. He sighed at his best friend as he muttered her name to himself, a faint blush appearing over his pale face.
“Christiiiine” Michael said in a sing-song voice, mocking his friend. He stopped when Jeremy stood up abruptly and walked over to the bulletin of posters and flyers.
“Jere? Jeremy! What are you-?” he didn’t get to finish his question before seeing the answer. Jeremy Heere was signing up for the school play. Michael hid his face in his hands, embarrassed for his friend. Jeremy had awful social anxiety, so signing up for a play? That wasn’t going to end well.
“GAY!” Rich Goranski, resident bully of both Michael and Jeremy, shouted over the cafeteria’s chatter. Laughter erupted from their entire table. Jeremy’s face went red and he looked down. Rich had sat down as the laughter quieted after a moment, their attention off of him as quickly as it had landed. Jeremy still looked horribly embarrassed though.
Michael saw his friend lean against the board, fiddling with his sleeves and staring off to where Christine was sitting, eating her lunch. Michael took a deep breath as a weird feeling settled in his stomach. Probably secondhand embarrassment or something, Michael thought as his friend walked out of the lunchroom, head looking down and shoulders hunched. He gathered his empty slushie cup and sushi container, dumping them both before heading to his next class of the day.
==
“Hey Jere!” Michael waved at his friend before shoving his books in his locker and turning to face him. Jeremy was wearing an Eminem shirt and walking with his back arched. Michael laughed and opened his mouth to say something about it when Jeremy walked right past him.
“Jeremy? Hey!” He slammed his locker closed, holding only the notebooks he needed for the next few classes and a pencil. He jogged up to Jeremy and was about to try to get his attention again when Rich Goranski caught up first and slammed him on the back.
“Hey, Heere! We’re still on for video games tonight, right? Your place?” Michael tripped over himself at that. He saw Jeremy nod and say something that was too quiet for Michael to hear, but Rich laughed hard and hit him on the back again before running off to a small group of jocks. Michael stood in the middle of the hallway, staring at the back of Jeremy’s head as he walked further and further away.
An uncomfortable feeling welled in his chest, he started counting his breaths. Someone slammed into his shoulder, giving him an annoyed look as they passed. Michael scrambled to the side of the crowded hallway and made his way to class, trying to brush off the weird encounter between Rich and Jeremy.
==
Michael was now literally waving in front of his face while Jeremy stood at his locker.
“Jeremy! Dude, what the hell? Why are you ignoring me?” Michael pleaded, it had been a week, and Jeremy had not stopped. He hung out with Rich and his crowd, and was getting closer to Brooke. He would walk past Michael and ignore his calls and texts.
At one point, Michael had walked to Jeremy’s house to ask to talk, but Mr. Heere had told him that Jeremy wasn’t home. He wore a sad face and, to Michael’s dismay, no pants as he opened the door. When Michael walked away, he heard a muffled yell and looked up. In Jeremy’s room, he was playing some video game with Rich on his tv. Michael stood there, frozen in time.
He pushed down the sick feeling in his throat and blinked away the beginnings of tears that had come into his eyes. He walked home with his head low and feet kicking at the ground.
“Jeremy! Come on, please will you just look at me?” Michael was trying to keep his voice low and emotionless in the school hallway. His breathing was fighting him, trying to become quicker but he continued to count his breaths. Jeremy’s face lit up and turned towards Michael. Michael smiled and felt a rush of relief run through him.
“Finally, man. I was worried-” Jeremy raised his arm in a wave, Michael stopped his sentence.
“Rich! Hey,” Jeremy walked over to his short ex-bully, “I got my dad to buy me a new pack for that game we were talking about last Friday. Do you want to come over tonight or tomorrow to try it with me?”
Michael watched the interaction. Emotions were flowing quickly through his mind. Anger, sadness, anxiety, confusion, and something he couldn’t place. He wasn’t jealous of Rich, right?
==
“Jeremy! This is amazing! We have to celebrate, we have to- We have to get stoned in my basement!” Michael pumped the air. His friend looked at him with a smile, so Michael turned and started going to his car.
This was good! Jeremy hadn’t been ignoring him, it was something SQUIP-y. Michael was wrapped up in his thoughts, unable to see Jeremy looking between him and Brooke. He was excited! He knew Jeremy was his friend, he didn’t- wouldn’t- ignore him on purpose. They would go to Michael’s house, get stoned, and play Apocalypse of the Damned again. Michael hadn’t touched it since he last played with Jeremy.
He reached his car and turned to face Jeremy, but he wasn’t there. He was starting to feel nervous again. He pushed the feeling away, he noted with a bit of humor that he’s been doing that a lot lately.
Behind the school, Jeremy was still standing there, looking at his reflection in the windows.
“Jeremy? You coming?” Michael stepped out from behind the wall, ready to walk back to his car with his friend.
Jeremy looked at him, Michael felt a flutter in his stomach that he ignored. Then Jeremy looked at something to his right.
“Optic nerve blocking, on” he pronounced proudly, directing the statement at whatever was to his right. When he turned back to Michael, something was different. He strutted past Michael and into the parking lot.
Michael swallowed down the rush of feelings that was forcing its way up. He walked to his car and stared sadly as Jeremy got into a different one. Now, Michael was determined to figure out what was going on.
==
“Michael, honey, are you planning on going out tonight?”
Michael didn’t look up from his computer before responding up the stairs.
“Yeah, nanay! I’m going to a party” he breathed deeply, the statement alone made him anxious.
“A party? Huh… alright, be careful. Text your mom or me if you need us, and don’t drink any alcohol, sir!” He laughed and promised he wouldn’t. He would find Jeremy, tell him what he learned, and therefore save him. As long as he didn’t run into Rich or Jake, he should be ok.
==
“SQUIP got your tongue?” Michael asked, laughing bitterly. He had realized how angry Jeremy’s actions had made him and had planned on really giving it to him. But when he saw his face, and his eyes. He couldn’t.
Jeremy stuttered before getting his sentence out, “It’s off”.
Michael laughed again, “That explains why you’re talking to me… what?”
Jeremy’s fists were balled, and he was staring at Michael, glancing over his eyes, his hair, his glasses, everything. “It’s good to see you”.
“It won’t be once you hear what I found out”.
And Michael told him. He detailed everything his online friend had said and waited for Jeremy’s reaction. To his surprise, Jeremy scoffed.
“And I thought Chloe was jealous”
“What?”
“You’re just jealous! Because I have one and you don’t!
“Man, have you even considered what that thing is doing inside you? An impressive supercomputer? Who made it? How did it get into a high school? In NEW JERSEY?” Michael was frantic, how did Jeremy not understand what was so wrong about this?
“Maybe I’m just lucky! Did you ever think about that? I-I mean I think that the universe owes me at least this!” Jeremy took a step back towards the door, hands gesturing wildly.
“And I don’t know about your friend’s brother’s- whatever! But it’s not making me crazy-”
“The SQUIP didn’t make him crazy, he went crazy trying to get it out!” Michael was wide-eyed, panic and anger and fear welled into every particle of him. He was worried about his friend, jealous of his new relationships, angry about Jeremy’s calm reaction to all of what Michael had told him. He hated the SQUIP and he hated how Jeremy was acting. He waited, staring at Jeremy, teeth clenched and hands balled tightly.
“Well then I’ve got nothing to worry about,” Jeremy said quietly, “Why would I want to get rid of it?”
He turned to the door and reached for the handle. Michael jumped in front of him, blocking his path. He stood as tall as he could, still shorter than Jeremy but he wore a brave face.
“Move it”
“Or you’ll what?”
Jeremy looked at him. His eyebrows scrunched, and mouth twisted to show his annoyance.
“Get out of my way… loser” He shoved past Michael, opened the door, and then slammed it shut. The sounds of the party outside the bathroom raged and were muffled once more with the door’s movements. Michael stood where he was, staring into nothing. He turned and quickly locked the door before backing up and slowly sitting himself down on the toilet’s closed lid.
==
The party continued to thump and pound at his head. He was sitting on the edge of the bathtub, wiping at the tears that continued to spill. He was angry. He was hurt.
Jeremy looked at him in the eye, he called him a loser, and then left him. Michael felt another pang echo in his chest. He sniffed loudly, the crying making his face puffy and nose stuffy. He felt a deeper loss than just his friend. He didn’t understand how he felt. He didn’t understand why he was so heartbroken over this. This made him feel worse.
His breathing was quick as he gasped between sobs, still swiping at his face. He grabbed toilet paper and wiped his eyes and nose. He leaned over the sink and splashed his face, the cool water making him feel a little better. He was able to stop crying, he dried his face, wiped at it with tissues. He blew his nose.
Michael Mell, in the bathroom, alone at a party. He laughed to himself, that was a title alright. He looked at himself in the mirror, no way was he passing this off as being high. He opened the door with his head down, blocking his face from view. He was halfway down the stairs when the screaming started.
“FIRE!”
“Fire? OH MY GOD!”
Michael turned his head to the direction of the screams. In the rooms upstairs, next to the bathroom he had just left, were flames. They were pouring ugly gray smoke into the air, and people were shoving past him, in an effort to get out of the house. He let himself be carried out by the crowd.
==
Michael’s mom and nanya stood at the bottom of the stairs, looking at their son on his beanbag. He had fallen asleep, but his face was red and puffy. These past few days they had heard muffled crying from his room. They didn’t want to intrude so they would only ask general questions about his wellbeing. He would brush them off, saying he was fine.
Now, he was surrounded by torn pieces of paper. His mom picked one up and gasped quietly. Michael didn’t move. She held it out to her wife. She grabbed it from her hand, then her eyes went wide.
It was a torn photo, every scrap was. Some were whole, but most were ripped in half. The piece they picked up was one of Jeremy, an anonymous arm wrapped over his shoulder, his own going around the missing half. He was smiling with his face painted like a tiger.
His nanya stared at the picture while her wife moved about, quietly shifting through some of the other pieces. She remembered this day.
==
“Micha! What should I get?” Divina watched as her son ran over to his friend. They had recently left seventh grade, and chosen to go to this in-town festival to celebrate. She smiled as Michael leaned against Jeremy, nearly a head taller.
“Obviously the tiger! I can get it too, so then we can match.” Michael smiled and looked down at Jeremy. The smaller boy thought about it for a second and then nodded. The two turned to Divina, she looked at her wife who smiled at them and handed them five dollars each.
They came back nearly twenty minutes later, faces painted yellow and orange, with black striped across their cheeks. They were laughing and talking quickly to each other. Divina caught snippets, something about one of their video games. She thought fondly of when she was younger and first met Penny. They both liked rollerblading and had run into each at the skate park, literally.
Just like Michael and Jeremy, they were inseparable. Talking all the time about a new interest or when they could go back to the park. She was jerked out of the train of thought as Michael tugged on her sleeve.
“Nanya!” he said again, Penny was covering her mouth, poorly hiding her laughter.
“Hmm? Yes? What do you need?”
“Jere and I are hungry,” Jeremy looked down slightly, seeming embarrassed at being included, “can we get some hot dogs?”
==
“Michael” Penny’s voice was gentle, as was her shaking of her son’s shoulder. Divina watched from behind as Michael stirred and woke.
“Huh? Mom? What time is it?” he sounded stuffy and sniffed, trying to mask it.
“It’s around 5, we wanted to check on you.” Divina said, putting her hand on her wife’s shoulder.
Michael looked between his parents, then down at the pile his mom made of the destroyed memories.
“I- I’m fine! Uh, those pictures were old. I have them on my phone so I don’t need them anymore.” Michael was talking quickly so Penny put her hand on his shoulder again. He looked at her again, eyes shining.
“Please tell us what’s going on, we care about you, Micha.” She tried sounding calm, but a hint of worry could be heard through her speech. Divina crouched down next to Michael and ran a hand through his hair.
“We’re here for you. Just tell us anything you need to.”
He had looked down again, at his hands this time and was picking at his nails. Penny took one hand in her own. He looked back at them, tears in his eyes. A question seemed to be hovering in his mind, it appeared he found the answer when he leaned into his nanya. She hugged him tightly, he gripped her sweatshirt and sobbed into it.
“Why is he ignoring me? What did I do wrong, nanya?” Divina rubbed his back as he cried, she felt his glasses poke into her collarbone. Penny had let go of his hand and was now holding onto Divina.
Divina was shushing him as she massaged his back, “It’s not your fault, honey. Jeremy is going through something on his own, he took it out on you and that was wrong. You didn’t do anything. You’re going to be ok”.
He said nothing more, but continued to cry on her shoulder. Penny took this moment of silence between them to speak up.
“We are here to talk about this, you aren’t alone and you never will be. You’re here, right? You’re loved. Ok? Micha, we love you so much, and if Jeremy hurt you, that was not your fault. You’re so sweet and caring. You would always make him laugh when he was upset, or help him if he was hurt. So, none of this was your fault.”
He had begun to calm down, his grip loosened oh his nanya’s clothes. His sniffling became more frequent than sobs. He finally looked up with red eyes. He hugged his nanya first, long and comforting. She kissed his cheek. He hugged his mom next, just as nice. She kissed his temple and smoothed his hair when they separated.
“Thank you” he said quietly, voice tired from crying. He began to gather the picture bits as his moms stood. “I’m ok now”.
==
Michael sat on his bed, his moms out of the room and upstairs. He had a joint between his lips and picked up another scrap of picture. He took the joint from his mouth, blew out the smoke, and held the lit end against a corner of the photo. It caught and he dropped it into the trash can below him, watching it curl and blacken.
There was talking from upstairs, he ignored it and lit another corner on fire. Suddenly the basement door opened and someone was bounding down the stairs. Michael shrieked and threw the joint in the trash before jumping behind his bed, wearing nothing but a t-shirt and boxers. He waved his arms around the bed, trying to clear the smell.
“Mr. Heere?!” Michael was incredulous, Jeremy’s dad had walked in with a suit jacket, shirt, and tie, but no pants.
“Ah! Michael, I need to talk to you,” he took a breath and made a face briefly at the smell of weed, “um, about Jeremy.”
Michael laughed and came out from behind his bed, “He’s made it clear that I’m not what he wants.”
“But you’re what he needs.”
At that, Michael felt that weird flutter in his stomach again, but he ignored it. Instead, he decided to save Jeremy. But first, they would both need to put on some pants.
==
“Michael!”
“Catch!” Michael threw the red drink across the stage, where Jeremy caught it. Barely. The crowd of students grabbed at Michael’s clothes, pulling him away from Jeremy. He was trying not to panic, but the closeness of everyone, the touching, the noise, it was a lot. He only could hope that Jeremy caught the drink.
He fell as the hands stopped supporting him without warning. He landed hard, looking up he saw everyone was parting to let Christine through. He heard her begin to speak, telling Jeremy she liked him, she wanted to be with him, but he needed to keep the SQUIP. Jeremy protested to something invisible, his SQUIP, before cutting off and walking to Christine. He held the drink tightly. Michael could see he was planning something.
Jeremy lifted the Mountain Dew to her face and told her to drink. She took it from him and did what he told. Everyone around him began to flinch and cry in unison. Jeremy along with them. Michael jumped up and ran over, dodging a falling student every few seconds. Jeremy had already fallen by the time he got there.
“Oh man, come on Jeremy,” he felt a pulse, “Oh thank god. Ok, it’s all good. You’ll be alright!” He didn’t know if he was talking to himself or the unconscious Jeremy.
==
Michael stood outside the door of a hospital room. He knew Jeremy and Rich were in there, and they were both awake. He could hear muffled words, but they were too muddy to make out. Mr. Heere had decided to sit outside, giving the boys a minute to themselves. He took a deep breath before turning the handle and walking in.
“Is he single?” Michael heard Rich ask. Rich looked at him and smiled, “Heyyy Michael.” He was looking at Michael in a way that made Michael feel weird.
“Heh, hey Rich. Uh, I’ll just be over here” He ran over to Jeremy, standing behind the curtain out of Rich’s viewpoint.
“Michael?” Jeremy sounded confused at Michael’s presence in the room.
“Hey buddy, how’re you feeling?”
“Um…”
“Right, right. Obviously not awesome since you nearly destroyed the school yesterday. But, are you ready to go back today?”
Jeremy nodded and looked like he was holding something back. Michael didn’t even realize how much he missed seeing that face and knowing that kind of thing.
“Why did you go to the play? After everything, after the way I treated you. Why did you help me?” Michael was shocked for a moment at his sheer stupidity.
“Because we’ve been friends for almost 13 years! I knew that SQUIP was bad news, and I knew I needed to help you.”
“Huh” was the last thing Jeremy said before his dad walked in, wearing pants.
==
Michael made a few realizations when Jeremy left him for Christine and popularity. He understood at that point how desperate Jeremy actually was to be noticed. He understood that Jeremy was eventually going to make real friends, not SQUIP-induced ones, but true friendships. He also understood that he was eventually going to be in a real relationship.
The last epiphany left him feeling far more bitter than he would’ve liked. Why should he feel jealous is Jeremy gets a girlfriend? That was when he understood something bigger, something he had denied for a long time. He was gay, and possibly in love with his best friend. The same best friend who left him to have an anxiety attack in the bathroom on Halloween.
He thought that he would be more surprised at this, but it felt right.
“I’m gay” he said out loud to himself, trying it out. He smiled when he realized how right those words were for him. He decided he might as well tell his moms, knowing his nanya would tell him she called it.
==
The AOTD loading music played in the background as Michael texted Jeremy.
Player Two: Can I come over?
Of course dude, is everything ok?
Player Two: Yeah
Player Two: Well no, actually
What’s wrong?
Player Two: I’ll tell you more when I get there but basically, Christine and I decided to break up.
Michael sat up straight. The girl that made Jeremy ditch him, the girl he almost destroyed their school over, the girl decided to end things with him, and he agreed? What was going on?
Oh man, that sucks. Yeah, the door should be unlocked.
Player Two: I’m here, and yeah it is.
Michael heard the door open upstairs, followed by polite greetings to one of his moms, then the basement door creaked closed as Jeremy walked downstairs.
“Hey, do you want to talk about… what happened?” Michael asked slowly, careful to not hurt Jeremy more.
“Yeah, if that’s ok.” Jeremy had a blush on his face, possibly from the cold outside, his face looked pale too.
“Sure, go ahead. Lay it on me dude” Michael chided himself for saying something so casual, until Jeremy laughed lightly and Michael would have sworn some color returned to his face.
“We agreed to break up, so that’s not really what’s bothering me. It’s just that I was so set on dating her, that I messed up a lot of things. Relationships, people, ….schools,” he paused as Michael muffled a laugh, “And it isn’t like I’m not upset we broke up. I think I did like her in some way, just not the right one? And I- I just, it should’ve worked! Between us! But it didn’t and I feel awful because of everything I did for her, and for myself. Especially to you, because you’re letting me talk and letting me be your friend after everything I did to you.”
Michael leaned his shoulder against Jeremy, and Jeremy leaned back. Michael wrapped his arms around him and held him in a hug as he spoke.
“Jere, what you did was messed up for sure,” Jeremy looked down at his feet, “But you can’t be too hard on yourself because it all worked out in the end, right?”
Jeremy nodded but said nothing. Michael was too short to lay his head on Jeremy’s so he just knocked his against the taller boy’s gently.
“And obviously, you’re going to hurt and feel bad about it, because it wasn’t right. But what’s important is that you understand that those things were mistakes and then you try your best to move on. The people who stick around are there for a reason, so you gotta let them help you, and you’ll see that one day, you’ll feel fine again.”
Jeremy hugged Michael back, burying his head against Michael’s shoulder. Michael felt a blush against his face and thanked the lord that his nanya was his birth mom, so his tan skin hid it. Jeremy let go and wiped his eyes.
“Thank you Micah. Sorry for-” Michael shouted and held up his hands.
“Absolutely not, do not say sorry for telling me stuff. I’d rather you tell me than having to find out some other way.” Jeremy nodded and made eye contact with him. His eyes were slightly red from crying a bit, and his blush had went away. The longer the silence between them went, the more tension there was. Michael felt his blush deepen and prayed that it was still hidden. Jeremy’s had come back, coloring his cheeks a light pink.
“So,” Michael said too loudly, trying to break the silence, Jeremy jumped and scooted over, putting some space between them, “should we play?” He gestured to the game setup.
“Oh! Uh, yeah. Let’s- Let’s play.”
==
Michael was good at hiding how he felt when it came to crushes, and that always annoyed Jeremy. Michael also never really liked anyone until high school, so that made it easier. He had had thoughts before that he perceived as crushes but weren’t. He had thought a few boys were attractive, but assumed it was a normal thing amongst straight dudes to admire one another.
When Jeremy found out from a slip of Michael’s tongue that he liked someone, he immediately wanted to know who. Just as strongly, Michael denied saying it, and avoided any and all questions. Eventually the bombardment of queries slowed, until one late night playing a new (old) AOTD game that Michael had gotten the day before.
==
The GAME OVER text flashed across the screen again, causing both boys to throw their hands up with cries of annoyance and frustration. Michael set his controller down and stretched his arms and legs.
“Shall I refill our snacks, good sir?” He asked, reaching for the empty chip bowl. Jeremy nodded and watched as Michael walked off. He fiddled with the controller when Michael’s phone lit up and showed the music that Michael had been playing when he last turned on his phone.
It was an old love song, Jeremy looked back towards the stairs before grabbing the phone and turning it on. He was the only person who knew Michael’s password other than Michael himself. He opened Spotify and checked the playlist it was on. Michael wasn’t one to regularly listen to love songs, so Jeremy thought it was from a new (old) band he found.
Michael’s birthday was coming up and Jeremy wanted to find something music-y for him. The playlist was made by someone else and titled, “pining songs for the queer soul”. Jeremy blushed. Was Michael gay? He never told him, so he shouldn’t have found out this way. The door to the basement opened and Jeremy threw Michael’s phone back onto the couch in a panic.
Michael faked a trumpet fanfare before placing the bowl down along with two sodas, “The chips and drink, sire.” He laughed at himself as he flopped onto his beanbag and reached for the chips.
“Michael I have a question, and you don’t need to tell me if you really don’t want to.” Michael looked at Jeremy, a hint of nervousness in his eye. He squinted slightly at the question.
“Okay…”
“Do you like someone?”
Michael looked at Jeremy, panic covered by confusion, “Why?”
Jeremy turned red again, “I was just wondering, because uh, well, I- I always talk about people and you never do.”
Michael made a thoughtful face, thinking about how to answer the question. He looked into Jeremy’s eyes, his face serious. “Yes I do”.
Jeremy’s eyebrows shot up, “Ok… and one more. And whatever the answer is- is totally fine with me!”
Michael once again looked suspicious. Jeremy wrung his hands together, thinking about how to phrase it.
“Is the person you like… Is it- Are they, uh… a- a guy?”
Michael’s eyes widened slightly and he shifted uncomfortably before nodding his head a little. Jeremy nodded back in understanding. An awkward silence filled the room once again until they both said something at the same time.
“So, the game?”
“Should we play?”
They looked at each other and laughed before picking up their controllers and starting the game.
==
Michael was nervous, Jeremy was coming over again to play some game he found on a sketchy website. He wasn’t nervous about the game, he had made a stupid deal with the other boy. Jeremy would let Michael play the game with him if he answered one question about his crush, as long as it wasn’t immediately incriminating.
The telltale squeak of the door and quick steps told Michael that he was here. He looked at Jeremy, smiled quickly before holding out his hand.
“Cool, so let’s play! Come on, give me the game!” Michael had genuinely been scouring the internet for this particular version, and Jeremy knew that unfortunately.
“Nuh uh, no way! You promised to answer a question! Now let’s see…” he faked thoughtfulness, stroking an invisible beard. Michael groaned and landed on his beanbag. He held his face in his hands, not wanting to give anything away.
“I got one! Ok so since you told me I know them, how do I know them?” Jeremy looked proud of the question. Michael had to admit it was impressive, but how was he supposed to answer that? Oh yeah, you know, you see them in the mirror every now and then? No way, pass, next, skip.
“Pass”
Jeremy’s face fell, “That isn’t fair! I spent all day thinking about what to ask.” He jumped onto the beanbag next to Michael, staring at him, pleading with his eyes for Michael to answer his question.
“I said pass, Jeremy! Jeez, just ask what his hair color is or something like a normal person” Michael whined, trying to leak as little information as possible.
Jeremy groaned into the seat, “Fine! What is his hair color?”
“…Brown”
==
Michael had somehow gotten sucked into a situation where Jeremy would ask one question about his mystery crush every day and he would need to answer it.
Jeremy now knew that his crush had blue eyes, brown hair, favorite color was blue, went to their school, and had at least one class with Michael.
Michael was terrified of Jeremy finding out that it was him but so far he seemed oblivious. He greeted the taller boy in the kitchen, making popcorn for their movie marathon. His nanya was looking at a recipe online, reading each ingredient, checking if they had it, repeat. Jeremy said hello to Michael’s nanya then launched into his question.
“What class is he in with you?”
“I never said it was just one”
Jeremy gasped, “Sh- er, crap! A class that they’re in then.”
“Pass”
“No! There’s no way that’s an incriminating question!”
Divina was watching the interaction, confusion written clearly across her face, “Hi, sorry, what’s an incriminating question?”
“Michael likes someone!”
“Snitch!”
“Cheat!”
It was Michael’s turn to gasp, “Never!”
Divina watched as they continued bickering and marveled at it before clearing her throat loudly.
“I know who it is, Jeremy.”
“Nanya! Hush!”
“Really? Tell me! Please.” He added the please quietly, suddenly embarrassed at his excitement.
“Nanya, please, please, I am begging you. Do not say anything.” Divina looked at her son. She knew that feeling, the fear of rejection. She felt the same way when she was figuring out her feelings for Penny. She made a zipper motion across her lips and went back to her recipe. Jeremy put his hands up and groaned. Michael smiled at her and then smirked at Jeremy.
“Come on, Michael!” Jeremy moved his hands into a begging motion and used the best puppy dog eyes he could muster. Michael held eye contact for barely two seconds before sighing.
“Fine, let’s see… history. Wait, no I take that back!” Michael feigned surprise as he “realized” Jeremy was in that class.
“Aha! We have history together, that narrows it down a bunch!” Michael suddenly felt very panicked at the idea of Jeremy gaining some sense and realizing who Michael was crushing on. The beeping of the microwave interrupted the conversation from continuing. Michael grabbed it as Jeremy hurried downstairs. Divina gave her son a knowing look and a reassuring smile as he walked past with the bowl.
==
Michael sat in history, staring out the window and counting the number of clouds he saw. Ignoring the lesson that was going on in front of him. Jeremy tapped his shoulder, jolting him from his clouds.
“Partner work, this sheet, page 236” Jeremy said, knowing Michael paid attention to none of it. Michael smiled thankfully, opened his textbook, and prepared to read when Jeremy tapped him again.
“I get another question”
“What? No you don’t.”
“Yeah I do, I helped you.”
“That’s cheating!”
“Nuh uh, anyway, he’s in this class. It’s not any of the girls, or those few guys because I’ve never really talked to them so I don’t know them.” Michael laid his head on the textbook, lifted it up, and then set it back down as he saw Jeremy scanning each guy in the room.
“Jere, quit it, they’re gonna think you’re staring at them.” Jeremy stopped immediately.
“I’ll figure out something to ask”
“Mhm”
==
The room was lit up with the credits scene of a terrible comedy that Jeremy had wanted to watch. It was funny because it was so horrible. Michael was going to launch into an epic roast of exactly how bad it was, but he was cut off.
“So, I think I figured out who it is.”
Michael froze, smile gone, fear was running through his head and was probably clear on his face, he didn’t care. Jeremy didn’t seem mad or disgusted though, so that was good? Oh wait, unless he got it wrong.
“It’s Rich, isn’t it.”
What.
“What? No, it isn’t Rich.”
“Oh… are you sure?” Michael laughed at Jeremy’s dejected tone.
“Pretty sure.”
“Hmm”
“Hmm indeed, Jere, now it’s my turn to pick out a movie.”
==
He saw when it clicked in Jeremy’s head. His face was tense from trying not to cry. Jeremy had been going on and on about some new girl in his French class, who he supposedly needed to help since she was behind in the class. Every time Jeremy talked about some girl he thought he was starting to like, Michael felt the knife he put in his own heart as preparation for rejection twist a little more.
He held back tears, counted his breathing. He pictured clouds, he watched it click in Jeremy’s head.
Jeremy had asked the shorter one his question that day. What is something you like about him? He had asked it before, but Michael had a new answer every time, and Jeremy loved seeing the way his friend’s eyes lit up when he talked about his mystery guy.
Michael had thought about it for a second before telling him that he liked the way his face changed with his emotions. That way, Michael could always tell when he was upset or if he found something funny. Jeremy had smiled at that, it was nice, but Michael’s eyes lingered on him for a moment longer. His brown eyes that Jeremy always liked more than his own blue eyes looked lost. They looked defeated. That was when it clicked.
Reading emotions is easier when you know the person. Jeremy knew the person.
They had brown hair and blue eyes. Jeremy had brown hair and blue eyes.
The guy that Michael liked, the one that made his face look so light and happy, was in their history class. Jeremy was in that class.
Michael looked away for a moment, the eye contact becoming too much for him. He glanced back up after blinking away tears that threatened to spill with his panic. He didn’t want to lose his friend. He didn’t care if Jeremy didn’t feel the same, he just didn’t want to lose him.
“It’s- me? You like me? Like… that?” Michael opened his mouth but no words came out, so he nodded. He fiddled with his sleeves, scared that Jeremy would make a face, turn away and leave him again. This time, for good.
“Wow, uh. Ok. I’ve never thought about that.” Jeremy was sitting in his usual chair, next to Michael. He wanted to say something to calm Michael down, to make him know he wasn’t grossed out or anything, but Michael’s mom interrupted.
“Jeremy! Your dad is here!”
==
Michael wanted to cry, or scream, maybe punch something. Jeremy knew, he was uncomfortable, he didn’t want to hurt Michael though. That was what Michael knew, or at least suspected. He couldn’t bring himself to text his friend though, so he spent that dinner poking around at his food.
==
Jeremy had never thought about his sexuality. When it came to feelings, they generally confused him. He was bullied since he could remember, with varying degrees of severity. One of the things he was bullied for, was being gay. Even though he had never thought about it, questioned it, or came out. He was bullied for his “visible gayness” (as Rich had once put it).
So, he tended to shove it down. When he would catch himself staring at a boy for too long, he’d look away quickly and force himself to think about something else. When he caught himself admiring his friend’s eyelashes in the light of his basement bedroom, he started talking about video games. This continued, something new came up, he would ignore it.
But this couldn’t be ignored. They weren’t his feelings, they were Michael’s. The Michael he had known since four. The Michael who had tried to cheer him up when he would whine about popularity. The Michael who he ignored because a computer told him too. The Michael he left in the bathroom, who saved him at the play after everything, who visited him in the hospital, who made him laugh, who made him smile, who made him feel worth something.
Shit, he might be gay for his best friend.
==
** and then they live happily ever after wooo **