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The smell of the fresh ocean breeze. The slight chill of the morning air flicks over sweat-slick skin. It could’ve been worse. They could’ve been back up north dealing with the harsh winter weather and snowstorms which – according to local weather reports – looms over their campus’s lovely school grounds and the not-far-off university town.
No. Instead they’re busting their asses down south where the weather is more bearable during the supposed winter rush. A cool 50 degrees Fahrenheit at coldest with a more-than-appreciated 70 to 80 degrees at its worst. While Johnny can’t really enjoy it to its fullest potential, he also isn’t complaining in the least bit.
He would prefer a consistent sweat from a few miles jog and a steady cool down under a rising sun over laps on iced sidewalks and potentially bruising something before the baseball season even begins – let alone its preseason.
It’s a common occurrence for the spring teams to migrate south for the winter to pursue an early pre-training before the spring semester runs into full swing. Mostly as a way to get its players out of their winter break slack and back into shape. However, as much of a morning person as Johnny often is, some days he would just prefer cozying up in his room for a handful of extra minutes of shut-eye rather than running miles before the sun itself has begun to rise over the horizon. He blames it on the few weeks of downtime he’s had back at home and the newly fucked up sleep schedule he’s consequentially acquired from it.
Unfortunately, this is simply another duty he’s been so graciously bestowed as the respectable team captain. He’s just thankful to have Jaehyun there as well to help get their guys in line.
Jaehyun, the ever-faithful captain of the basketball team, and Johnny’s best friend of little ways over a decade. Although one year his junior, the younger knows how to pull his weight, and it doesn’t hurt that he’s talented to boot. He distinctly remembers all of the glowing remarks given in Jaehyun’s favor from his first year to the present day. It’s this advocacy that has placed his name among the youngest leaders to ever serve on his respective team.
Johnny swelled with pride the day he heard of the official news, albeit he couldn’t say he expected anything less from one of the most hard-working and genuine guys he’s ever known. The younger belonged in a leadership position. It’s only an added bonus that as a result of the promotion, the two have been able to spend more time together.
Inseparable in their ways since becoming friends, their dynamic hasn’t changed from when they first met roughly 15 years ago. He remembers the day vividly:
A cold, grey afternoon in the thick of autumn, there was a slew of hustle and bustle from next door where apparently their new neighbors were just arriving. The Jeongs, his mother supplied, were a sweet couple with a kid that was allegedly around Johnny’s age. That small addition is what piqued the young boy’s interest the most. There weren’t many children at the time who lived in their comfortable cul-de-sac, just older couples, and newlyweds who were looking to start a family in the center of suburbia. So the thought of another kid – moreover, another kid his age – soon to be but only a few feet away wasn't short of a dream come true to little, only-child John Suh.
There was nothing particularly fantastical about their first meeting. Johnny remembers walking over with his mother to gift the new family a nice house-warming cake. He recalls the loud chime of the doorbell could be heard behind the closed front door and the subtle creak that followed when it opened to present a kind-looking woman with a kid not too much shorter than Johnny attached to her pants’ leg. Words were exchanged, but the conversation fell blank in his memory the moment his eyes locked with the Jeongs’ kid. There he was, all soft-cheeked with a butchered, cropped haircut. He was like an angel. The nicest angel Johnny had ever seen, and they hadn’t even exchanged more than a second or two-long stare with each other.
And yet, that was enough. From there they became destined playmates. Johnny dragging Jaehyun out to play a round of soccer was as regular of an occurrence as Jaehyun knocking on the Suhs’ front door to ask if Johnny wanted to have a sleepover. Within an instant, the two were the best of friends. The one-year difference played no significance in their growth. It came somewhat as a shock to their parents how quickly the two befriended each other but they could only see it as beneficial in the long run. Johnny and Jaehyun, on the other hand, never gave their closeness a second thought, passing their meeting off as something equivalent to being set in stone long before their births.
The way they clicked was effortless. They were meant to be together.
Johnny feels a sudden smack on the back, forcing him to stop in his tracks and effectively jostle him from his reverie. He turns and stares pointedly at the expected culprit with a dramatically pained expression, trying his best to reach a hand behind him and soothe the offended area. “Ow…”
“That didn’t hurt. Now your hits? Those hurt.” Jaehyun mocks with a tone that’s so sure of himself, so confident, so expressive and casual, that one usually couldn’t help but be taken by him from that alone. The only thing to contradict that air of authority is seeing him rather out of breath, undoubtedly a result of trying to keep pace with Johnny’s half-jog, mostly-hit-the-ground-run. Honestly, if he wasn’t so out of it, he would be mildly impressed by Jaehyun’s ability to have caught up despite the lengthy head start the older had over him – in both time and distance.
“Doesn’t make me any less of a fragile being,” He retorts, continuing to make a show of rubbing the smacked spot between his shoulder blades as best he could, and purposely appearing as pitiful as possible.
“Pft. ‘Fragile.’ Alrighttt,” drawing out the word to emphasize how unconvinced he is by the statement but still appreciating the attempt, “This coming from the same guy who’s knocked down players from the football team.”
“What can I say? I live to astound and amaze sometimes.”
“Yeah, you sure do astound me. What are you doing all the way over here anyway? The training area is some ways back.” Johnny could sense the vivid amusement drip off of Jaehyun’s tone without so much as needing to see the cheeky smile that would inevitably be paired with it, albeit there was also some genuine curiosity in coincidence. And he couldn’t say the other was wrong. It wasn’t until that very comment did Johnny finally take a second to scan his surroundings. How far had he been running? “What? Get lost?”
Yes. But he’s not going to admit to that. “Not at all. I was just taking in the view.”
“Uh-huh. Yeah.” Jaehyun scoffs. “It’s pretty uncharacteristic of you to suddenly zone out, especially during a workout. Something must’ve been weighing on your mind.” The slight lilt in his tone indicates a partial question, but it sounds more so as a statement to Johnny.
God, he hates how on-the-nose Jae always is; no doubt an outcome of years spent in each other's presence. Johnny doesn’t confirm nor deny the suspicion, however, offering only a half-hearted hum in acknowledgment before diverting the conversation as fluidly as possible. “What about you? Isn’t it 5 hours too early for you to be rising from your coffin?” He expects that Jaehyun isn't looking for much of an answer anyway, at least not right off. That's generally how they worked: Offer little to nothing at first, and eventually, it will all come tumbling out.
“Well, I figured Captain Early Bird would be out and about, and I didn’t want him getting a head start over me.”
“A little too late for that.”
“Wellll,” Jaehyun begins again, elongating his words and syllables to unnecessary lengths whenever he’s ready to start slinging around arguments, excuses, and rebuttals or the like. Most of them are often about always half-assed. It’s one of his many skills, as he so claims. “It’s also hard to get a proper morning’s rest when a certain loud roommate is doing God knows what at half-ass o’clock stomping around the room.”
Johnny knows that sharp sarcasm is geared towards him without the need for Jaehyun to vaguely allude to this ‘unnamed’ but very much public information regarding said roommate.
He begins stretching out his shoulders and legs while Jaehyun insists on trying to spin the situation around to somehow (out of the goodness of his heart) place the blame on the older. After standing idle for so long, he comes to terms that this is probably the end of his morning regiment. “As if a detonated bomb could wake you from your sleep.”
He sighs, surrendering much quicker than anticipated, although not entirely before jutting his lower lip out in a cute little pout, most likely hoping to evoke some sort of sympathy. “Can’t you just appreciate my company.” Johnny snorts.
Slinging an arm over his shoulders, he good-naturedly leans a portion of his weight on the younger and effectively ruins his posture. “Don’t I do that enough already? I’m sure that 90 percent of your bigheaded-ness and supplemental ego boosts are from my doing,” he coos, laying the nauseating saccharine sweetness on extra thick and properly evoking a gagging sound from the man currently trapped against his side.
“You could dare to do it even more often without the act.”
“Well–” His watch goes off, response falling on a still tongue as his attention diverts to his watch. A boxy 8:00 AM flashes on the electronic face in quick, anxious pulses. “Seems we’ll need to continue this talk later, for my addiction is calling me now.”
“I’m glad you’ve acknowledged that you do indeed have a caffeine problem, coming to terms with it is always the first step,” Jaehyun mocks in faux sympathy. Johnny would have half a mind to defend himself, but the winter warmth from that semi-high hanging sun and the melodic laughter that flowed freely with good company as they take their time making their way back to their temporary residence, are all just enough for him right now.
Johnny was the first between them to get a girlfriend.
It came as somewhat of a surprise; although Johnny was the more social one, Jaehyun was considerably more popular. Prior to entering high school, there was often word of Jaehyun being sought after by one girl or another, yet Johnny never recalled him being with anyone, let alone mentioning reciprocated interest – or any interest at all for that matter. He didn’t question it, however, and figured Jaehyun was prioritizing other things at the time.
When he did begin high school though, those pining after him only seemed to grow in quantity while his indifference remained the same. At that point, Johnny had only heard about it from a number of mutual friends, but finally seeing it firsthand, it was more overwhelming than he could’ve imagined. It seemed to almost be a weekly festivity to confront the handsome first year with your feelings. If it wasn’t one girl, it was another, and it certainly wasn’t restricted to solely freshmen. After word about one of the more sought-after pretty girls in Johnny’s class shooting her shot – and then being ceremoniously declined – went around, he finally decided to bring the long-unspoken topic up with Jaehyun.
“Hey, I heard Alice confessed to you earlier.”
“Yeah.”
“So – are you dating now?” As if he didn’t already know the answer.
“No.”
That was the end of it. It was clear that Jaehyun didn’t intend to offer any more than what was already not needed to be said. Johnny never did get his answer as to why, nor could he come to a sensible conclusion on his own. So he left it be. It wasn’t anything he believed to be troublesome or problematic to concern himself over, and he nearly forgot all about that when he started building on his own budding romances.
It was during the start of the winter term of Johnny’s junior year and Jaehyun’s sophomore year. She was a pretty upperclassman who transferred in for her last year and had already made a name for herself in the music department. Hearing her sing was the closest thing Johnny believed to ever experiencing love at first sight; like a sailor drawn to his rocky demise, he quickly accepted and gladly welcomed his fate if it meant following her serenade.
For months he would (subtly) try to find ways to garner her attention, from wiggling into her friend group to striking up not-at-all-planned conversations. All of which led up to, after months of laboriously longing, her finally giving in to his charming efforts.
Wendy was perfect and everything Johnny could’ve hoped for in a partner. But this was why he felt so guilty when it ended so soon, and, for the fact, that it was indeed all his fault.
When Johnny first told Jaehyun of the news – as he always did whenever something happened, and as Jaehyun always did the same in mutual reciprocation – the latter congratulated him on the new relationship. “Man, I really feel for Wendy if she’s gonna need to be putting up with you,” the younger jabbed, following his snarky remark with a light-hearted chuckle.
“Hey! I make an excellent boyfriend!”
“How would you even know? She’s the first girlfriend you’ve ever had.” He got him there. But Johnny was determined to make it work. After all of that time he spent trying to get the school’s renowned ‘Angelic Voice’ to notice him, it wasn’t about to be for naught.
“It’ll just work.” He spoke resolutely, too far in his head that he didn’t see what was right in front of him – and what would eventually lead to his actual demise.
Just as clearly as he remembers the day they met, he remembers the night where everything changed. How his simple, innocent outlook on life suddenly became muddled with thoughts and inconclusive emotions. What started as a normal day, ended in unwarranted dreams and questions that have haunted him for years.
When it first occurred, he was sure it was a misunderstanding, a minor slip-up. But over time, that certainty slowly shifted into hesitancy, and what was once black and white suddenly became a hodge-podge of grey near akin to Johnny’s first and last art attempt with charcoal.
If it were just a simple brush of lips, an accidental trip up like the ones presented in cliche shoujo mangas, he believed he could’ve easily brushed past it and went on with his life. But no.
If he were to think back to it hard enough, he could still feel that searing sensation against his lips, a phantom pressure from years ago that felt only as if seconds had passed. It was as though he were burned, and in its wake, there was no physical mark but rather an eternal mental imprint, cursed to hang over his head with no apparent cure or way to rid himself of this nightmare. What made matters worse, he would come to realize, was while it was unexpected, it wasn’t entirely unwelcome.
Johnny isn’t gay– no, wasn’t gay– no, isn’t gay. He’s not. There’s never been a time that he can recall ever finding another guy attractive. Because he’s obviously not gay. He likes girls. He knows that much, he’s certain of that, and he always assumed Jaehyun was the same. So one could imagine his surprise, his confusion, his concern, his mixed feelings when everything happened.
They kissed. For his sake and sanity, Johnny would repeatedly hope it was a dream; and based on how it was treated after, it very well could've been.
Johnny had planned to stay over at Jaehyun’s with the intent to cram for upcoming exams. It was a normal occurrence that began as just that. They followed their usual routine of an hour of actual work and then deviation into procrastination. How they ended up in the situation that followed was beyond Johnny. There was no lead-up, no forewarning, no precursor that could’ve prepared him for kissing his life-long best friend. And he doesn’t know if it was better or worse that way.
The details fuzz around the edges. Most of that evening is lost in the suppression of memories and worries, too scared to touch upon it and find something that wasn’t meant to be there. But no amount of piling could blur the most vivid aspect of that night. They had kissed. There wasn't any question about that. It was so simply put, so matter-of-fact, yet the feeling is what evoked hesitancy. It sounded too surreal, felt too surreal, to – well – be real. And what gnawed at Johnny the most was: Why did Jaehyun do it?
Johnny left Jaehyun’s place uncharacteristically early that night. Snuck back home and went straight to bed in hopes to sleep it off, in hopes of willing it away. It was never meant to happen. Jaehyun didn’t say anything as Johnny left, and Johnny was glad for that. He didn’t think he could’ve handled a conversation afterward, not while they tried to dance around the very obviously brought in elephant in the room.
He dreaded attending school the following day. Going in early just to avoid needing to see Jaehyun first thing, which was never a concern he ever thought he would have. Johnny didn’t know how long he planned to weave his way around Jaehyun’s presence and line of sight, perhaps just a day? A week? Unrealistically, until he graduated? The thought of this being the turning point for their friendship – the thought of this being the end of their friendship, left him gutted. A friendship of 10 or so years flushed down the drain and over a little kiss.
Johnny ended up lasting less than 24 hours before Jaehyun caught up to him. He hadn’t mentally, emotionally, or even physically prepared himself for the confrontation yet, so when Jaehyun had a hand on his shoulder to catch his attention just when the two were walking home, every nerve was standing on edge. Instantly, Johnny was formulating all sorts of excuses and ruses to get out of a conversation. But it turned out all that effort was pointless.
Jaehyun never mentioned it. Not that day or any time following, and Johnny never pried, of course. It was left as if it never happened. An ignored stain from a spill that no one wanted to take the blame for. The reoccurring memory made it a sour recollection that had Johnny subconsciously swear off peach-flavored things from then on (an effect of Jaehyun's affinity for peach-themed everything, even chapstick).
A reminder not only that he cheated, but that he cheated with his best friend. The thought was nauseating, not because he hated it, but because for that eternal second – he enjoyed it. And God, if that didn't make him feel worse.
He figured that the lack of a response, the silent agreement to not discuss it and pretend it never occurred, was enough of an answer in itself. A mistake, a slip-up, an accident. Thus, closing a door they – he – vowed to never open again.
It made things easier that way, he convinced himself. Or at the very least, he could stay by Jae’s side without guilt. No. No guilt, only a faint, lingering tightness in his chest – as if compressing his heart just short of popping – whenever he thinks back to that day. That moment.
They returned to their regularly scheduled friendship soon thereafter, as if nothing happened. But the damage was already done. He couldn’t get Jaehyun out of his mind. The feeling of his lips, the taste of his chapstick, his breath ghosting over his skin. All of it too visceral. It was as though he were watching a movie of his memories but only one scene was playing on repeat. But even more so, he was confused by his heart rapidly beating whenever these unwarranted thoughts sprouted up.
Johnny couldn’t maintain his relationship with Wendy without feeling guilty, not that he was much of the boyfriend he vowed to be, to begin with. Wendy saw it coming, not the reason – he never told her the true reason, simply that he thought they were better off as friends – but that what they had was going to end sooner rather than later. That had hurt more.
When he asked her why she thought that, she gave him a waned smile. I’m not the one in your heart.
“Keep those knees up! Don’t think I don’t see you slacking over there, Wong!” This is how it always starts. Days of pain and a chorus of whines as the teams get back in shape, a common inability to walk upstairs (or mobilize most of their muscles for that matter), and aches that will carry over into next week. Ah yes, preseason. It’s even worse as it’s been three days now out of an intended week-long camp and Johnny is sure that a majority of his team is contemplating crudely amputating their own limbs.
“Ease up on them, John, there won’t be much of a baseball team left with your army drills.”
Johnny exhales an incredulous laugh from his nose, not needing to spare a glance to the owner of the familiar voice in order to confirm for himself who it already is. “You’re the last person I should be hearing that from, Jeong.” Sensing his players beginning to slow down, he figures though they could be deserving of a break. “One more lap then get water!” A harmony of tired groans ranging from appreciation to resignation resounded.
“Oooh, how generous.” Jaehyun snickers, earning himself a half-hearted glare.
“What are you doing over here? Shouldn’t you be drooling on some balls.”
His brows furrowed, staring at Johnny with something of a resemblance to both pity and disgust. “That’s sick. Let’s keep this PG, alright?” The latter chortles. “Besides, we finished with our warm-ups for the day. You guys are just slow.”
“Uh-huh. So, you thought to spend your precious bit of extra free time to come and rub that in our faces?” He folds his arms over his chest, arching a brow in Jaehyun’s direction as he finally gives him his full attention, only to notice he no longer had his in return. The other had taken out his phone and is tapping away, evidently more absorbed on whatever is occurring on his screen than the conversation he struck up.
“Jae–”
“Aye! Well if it isn’t our star baller!” The arm belonging to the team’s ever-boisterous Hong Kong-native makes itself comfortable slinging around Jaehyun’s shoulder. Honestly, this is all very on-brand for Yukhei. Three years Johnny’s junior and a new promise for the baseball team, he came into tryouts as loud as he is motivated, unhesitant to insert himself into situations which have landed him in both favorable and unfavorable situations. He’s an honest kid, however, earning himself a certain soft spot in Johnny’s heart.
“Well if it isn’t the baseball team’s big baby. Shouldn’t you be running laps until you’re blue in the face?” Jaehyun attempts to discreetly hold his phone closer to his chest, out of Yukhei’s direct line of sight, as the latter encroaches on his personal space.
“I would, but I’m far more interested in the little gossip group you two have going on.” If Johnny is quick enough to notice Jaehyun’s ‘subtle’ tic, then the youngest of the three surely did as well. Only to make a point of such when his eyes evidently dart to the device being clutched within Jaehyun’s fingers. “Who’re you texting? Johnny’s right here.” The two captains’ friendship was nothing that isn’t already public news, it’s what allowed the baseball and basketball teams to find a harmonic balance and mutual support for one another – with minor friendly, unsolicited rivalry.
“No one,” a ‘gentle’ elbow to Yukhei’s side has the taller curling away from the hit and clutching onto his ribs, “I’m just looking over tomorrow’s plans.”
“Suuure. I don’t know what’s going on with the basketball team, but I’ve never seen someone stare so intently at just some schedule.” He was about to return his arm to its prior position but apparently thinking better of it after the quick, unamused look shot in his direction. Yukhei instead turns his sights to Johnny who is just watching quietly as this all unfolds before him, truthfully curious as well to know what Jaehyun was scrolling through on his phone. But once again, not the type to pry. “I mean, it’s not like anything big is happening tomorrow, right, Capt?”
“We run on different schedules from tomorrow up until evening events on the last day, so who knows what sort of hell Jae has in store for his team.” He lightly knocks his knuckles on the youngest’s head, “You should be so lucky that making you run is the worst I’ll do to you.”
“That can’t be true,” Yukhei grumbles childishly under his breath, “There’s no one who would even come close to your sadistic ways.”
“Oh yeah? Tell him about your first plans as captain, Jae, and how you were gonna whip your guys into shape,” he crosses his arms over his chest with a clear smirk to match. He keeps his eyes on the youngest of the three of them, however when he isn’t immediately given back up to his teases and taunts, his attention shifts to the only other contender of this conversation. “Jae?”
The respondent looks up from his phone, once more interrupted in the midst of looking at God’s knows what with a smile that did seem too oddly placed for just normal scheduling, “Huh? Oh, yeah.”
“Pft. ‘Just the schedule,’ huh?” Yukhei verbalizes Johnny’s internal thoughts, unconvinced with a twinge of playfulness that Johnny personally didn’t have tagged on himself. But he isn’t too concerned over the undefined undertones and foggy replies, nor is he worried by the uncharacteristic unresponsiveness of his usually quick best friend. He could easily pass suspicion on offbeat behavior – but there’s no reason for him to do so. Where Jaehyun could easily lie to Yukhei, he would never do so to Johnny. He wouldn’t.
They didn’t grow apart when they entered university. If anything, their friendship was as strong as ever.
It’s true that their priorities were no longer aligned and thus their responsibilities took them elsewhere; where Johnny threw himself into a found interest for communication and journalism, Jaehyun was kept cramped on the other side of campus within the school’s designated design studio working on one architectural project or another. Rarely seeing the light of day, let alone his closest confidante.
But what most would assume as the beginning to an end, a ripple that seemed inevitable for friendships that met the rocks, didn’t occur for them. Rather it made the time they spent together all the more significant, and what made them sharing the commonality of being captains for their respective sports so special. Even if apart, caught up within their separate paths and passions, they found a way to still walk side by side, never straying too far from the other.
Or so Johnny wanted to believe, and would continuously tell himself was fine. Nothing had changed between them, for the most part; however, explicit change doesn’t need to occur for something to feel off.
They never kept secrets from one another. If there was news to be told, both knew about it. That aspect remained unfazed. But in the midst of it all, no matter how subtle it might’ve been, and Johnny could only take guesses as to where and when it began, their shared stories began to be told with pages missing.
Similar to not lying but not offering the full truth, their conversations became coded in opaque transparency that left both with enough but too little information. Johnny knew what Jaehyun wanted him to know, and the same came to bode vice-versa. They were inseparable, intertwined, interconnected. They knew everything about anything when it came to one another; except for the things they didn’t.
Their last night and everyone drew votes as to how they wished to spend it, and with two full, adrenaline-kicked teams of mostly-unsupervised late teen twenty-somethings, the resounding agreement came to a barbecue paired with some questionably (i.e., they aren’t) legal fireworks on the beach. There were also suggestions of midnight skinny-dipping, but the captains had to immediately cap that thought before it had spread like a plague. A celebration was called for, of course, and well-deserved, but in moderation.
Within a matter of hours, the sun had set upon their final day of pre-season practice and soon the empty beaches are flooded with rowdy undergrads kicking up sand and some foolishly diving into the frigid cold fully-clothed – much to the managers’ chagrin. Others sit by and watch as the expected chaos unfold, sans two people.
“Here.” Johnny plops himself down on the loose sand spot right beside Jaehyun and hands him a thin stick that had up until then been kept reasonably concealed and thankfully unharmed in his pocket. The latter had made himself comfortable by a crowd of rocks not too far from where the group’s light filters off, most likely escaping from a week of headaches and body ache to enjoy the sight and sounds of waves rising up the short line and receding seconds after.
Jaehyun looks at the stick then looks at his friend with the same puzzled stare, albeit hard to make out and mostly just assumed even under the moonlight’s aid. “A sparkler,” the older clears up, Jaehyun’s expression soon following suit as Johnny takes one of his hands and puts the sparkler in it. The only technically legal firework allowed in this part of the country. “I’ll light it for you.”
He reaches into his other pocket and fishes out one of those cheap drugstore lighters, taking a few seconds of flicking the pad of his thumb against the spark wheel before it finally decides to ignite. He brings Jae’s hand closer, moving the flame to meet him halfway, and joins the two to watch the sparkler light. It crackles and burns instantly. Shooting off tiny fireworks in its own right, and doing a better job of illuminating the space than the pitiful, aforementioned moon.
This way he can see all of Jaehyun. Witness how his expression blooms in warm tones, consider how the corners of his lips raise ever so subtly trying to press back the bout of laughter behind them or admire how his eyes reflect the sparkles trapped within them. Had Jaehyun always looked this beautiful? Or had Johnny always turned a blind eye to that admittance.
It's moments like these that he is particularly reminded of that night. Not too dissimilar from right now, where it's just the two of them trapped within their bubble, abiding by their own space and time. Years ago, it would've been fine, perhaps easier even, to chalk this as another day, another few minutes of getting too caught up in his own head. One would think after all this time, he would've gotten over it, and if he had a choice, he would've taken that option. But the mind is too cruel to allow him such a privilege. Which makes the realization of acknowledging that your life-long best friend is attractive all the more unsettling.
Johnny was no fool to Jaehyun’s visual prowess, but the situation becomes tricky when one begins to question their presumably platonic mate beyond solely platonic means. Then other factors come into play. And the storm Johnny had strived to subdue, once more, sweeps up another barn and rages forward, stronger than before.
Nausea swirls in Johnny’s gut, threatening to spill all his thoughts and feelings into an unappealing pile of bile that Jaehyun certainly wouldn’t appreciate on his lap. But partly all of this was Jaehyun’s fault (if being totally truthful). If not for that night – if not for that kiss – he wouldn’t have suffered through nth hours, days, weeks, years of fussing over that single memory, that single moment, that inevitably changed everything. No matter how much Johnny chose to deny it time and time again, things did change. Allowing it to replay in his head in a never-ending reel of mixed messages with no moral to the story. After all, what was meant to be taken away from that night? Aside from his peace of mind.
“Hey. You okay there, John?” A dying sparkler is waved in front of his eyes, re-earning his focus as it then inevitably shifts to the worried wart mien of the very person who’s been plaguing his every waking moment. The crease between his brows, the frown etched on his mouth, the puffed-out cheeks – these insignificant little these, these routine reactions, these expected telltale indications; where, why, and when did Johnny find himself so enraptured by them?
“That night you kissed me,” his hand seeks out Jaehyun’s again, holding onto it tightly, fearful that he may run when Johnny continues, “– was it a mistake?”
The glow of the sparkler fizzles out welcoming the darkness which once more consumes and blinds them. Silence would accompany it if not for the distant laughter of their respective teammates not too far from where they situated themselves. However, the stagnant pause that separates them is deafening enough to hush that secondary noise. Johnny is about to repeat himself but he’s beaten to the punch.
“Geez, that was years ago.” Jaehyun chuckles, obviously attempting to brush it off, play it as a joke, perhaps trying to see if Johnny is testing him. But Johnny isn’t about to budge on this, not again, and when the laughter isn’t reciprocated, the sound slowly dies down in his throat, and silence envelopes them once more. “Why are you bringing this up now?”
“It’s been weighing on my mind.”
Another pause.
“All this time?”
“All this time.”
And again.
“But you’re … not gay?”
“Yeah.” Johnny still isn’t quite sure what he is. The constant act of coming back time and time again to put a label on it caused him so much psychic damage that he couldn’t be bothered to think too deeply about the matter. Even now he’s attempting to buckle through the self-inflicted migraine just to flounder around and find a semblance of coherency in the endless fog.
An eternity of uncanny tranquility comes and goes before being broken by Jaehyun relieving a heavy sigh. “It was a mistake … but it wasn’t.” Johnny turns his head to look at him, confusion scrawled over his complexion with a single arched brow and a question for elaboration at the ready on his tongue. “Look–” he begins, only to stop again. Johnny could sense the anxiety rolling off him in waves, the way he gnawed at his bottom lip, working it until the first layer of skin would peel, it was a habit he’s had since forever, and Johnny knows that. Johnny knows everything about Jaehyun – well, close to everything.
He gently squeezes Jaehyun’s hand, reminding him that it’s alright. They’ll be alright. He sees the latter’s eyes shift down to their joined hands before meeting Johnny’s eyes, hesitant, tense, worried – but also in those brown irises laid a twinge of resolution and understanding.
Another sigh airs. “I– did mean to kiss you. Not specifically that night, not in that context, not in that timing and scenario, but I … meant it nonetheless.”
Johnny isn’t surprised by this confirmation in the least, but it does ease something inside of him. His next word is tentatively asked, “Why?”
Jaehyun chuckles, staring at Johnny as if unsure if he was serious in asking that, which confuses him because why wouldn’t he be sure? “What do you mean ‘why’? I liked you.”
“But you never said anything.”
“You never let me.” He got him there. He left before they could say anything, it was for the best, he thought. “And what was I supposed to say? You were in a relationship, and – I just fucked up.”
“So, you regret it?”
“Yes. No – Yes? No and Yes. I told you. I did mean to kiss you, no, I didn’t mean to ruin your relationship. I shouldn’t have…” He trails off, gnawing at his bottom lip as he does, eyes avoiding Johnny’s and trying to find words that not even his perfected skill in bullshitting could provide him with.
“Would you do it again?”
“What?”
Johnny closes whatever distance remains between them almost instantly. The kiss is tender, brief – barely even there. His lips brush over Jaehyun’s in something not quite sweet but more than what could be thought of as accidental. There’s a gasp on Jaehyun’s part, and the pressure is expectedly one-sided with Johnny’s initiation carrying no pretense nor forewarning. He honestly surprised himself. So as quickly as he kissed him, he pulled away, searching in his friend’s eyes for some sort of answer in the muted light. It was an act of impulse, a leap that Johnny chanced taking. But apparently, not one where he could’ve calculated the fall.
“Why…” Jaehyun begins, an unanticipated hurt descending upon his features as he lifts a hand to touch his lips and then flinching away from his own fingers when contact is made. The emotions emitting off of him are not what Johnny thought would happen. He thought the other would’ve been elated, overjoyed, perhaps flustered – not offended.
“Huh?”
“Why did you do that?”
Johnny, too caught up in his own swirl of confusion to respond, gives nothing in return to sustain the conversation right now. Why did Johnny do that? Was it not the right time to? He couldn’t have read the mood wrong. Jaehyun said he liked him. That was a confession. But was that not what he meant? He asks himself again: Why did he do that? Did he do it because he likes Jaehyun too? Or, is it something more selfish?
“You know how I feel about you…” Jaehyun murmurs under his breath, hiding his mouth with the back of his hand, fingers clenched into a tight fist. Johnny’s focus snaps back on him but by then his gaze is diverted elsewhere. The older sits with wide eyes and parted lips as if ready to speak yet no words are filtered from his mind to his mouth. “Are you doing this just to fuck with me? Why would you suddenly dig up the past and just kiss me, huh? Are you making fun of me?”
“What? No! I wouldn’t do that!”
“Then why!” Jaehyun snaps, finally meeting his eyes once more, unable to decipher the storm swirling within them but sure as hell able to make an educated enough guess. He mostly wonders how his own expression appears now. Horrified? Confused? Defensive? When he doesn’t speak, when his eyes turn and his head drops, Jaehyun then scoffs, forcing out a broken, dry laugh at the response – or lack of one – received. “Fuck you.”
The sand crunches under Jaehyun’s feet as he moves to stand, brushing off his pants the loose particles, and walking away without sparing another glance at the pitiful man he leaves behind. Johnny isn’t quick enough to grab him, to tell him that he’s wrong, to dispute all of his claims, and ease all of his worries. Instead, he sits there, too stunned to realize what just happened. And by the time he does, he’s slipping and struggling as he attempts to scramble onto his feet, meeting resistance and tripping on the loose ground while Jaehyun is already feet ahead of him. “Wait, Jae!”
He follows him back to the rented-out residences, losing him amidst the street lights and few turns, but finding him again when rushing back to their shared room. Where he’s already packing away his things.
“Jae…” No response. “Jaehyun…” He steps closer, slow, measured, tentative. When they’re but a foot apart, he stops. Nothing but the sound of rustling and anger-driven zipping fill the space around them, not until Johnny tries to reach out and take hold of his arm.
“Don’t touch me.” Jaehyun seethes, the syllables coming out as more of a threat than anything.
“Jae, we need to talk.”
“We are talking.” Johnny sighs at his attitude, placing a hand over one of Jaehyun’s to still him from his passive-aggressive packing. Effectively, Jaehyun does stop amidst his actions, only to bear holes into Johnny’s hand with his unamused glare. “But apparently you’re not listening.” He shoves his hand off and returns to his task.
Johnny raises his hands up in defense, already more than sickened by this uncalled-for antagonistic behavior. “What the fuck is your damage?” He regrets the words the moment the statement leaves his mouth, wishing he could’ve swallowed them before they had reached his tongue.
Jaehyun turns his head to face him, slowly, giving him a look that’s beyond appalled as if he might’ve misheard the question. “My damage? Bro, what?” He slams his suitcase closed, the sound jostling Johnny in his place as all nerves stood on edge. “You get your lips on me and you ask what my damage is? And here I never took you for the dumb type, but you really proved me wrong,” he scoffs incredulously, wearing a jaded smile to match, “Or maybe you’re not dumb. But you sure aren’t perceptive for shit.”
“Jaehyun, it wasn’t my intention to hurt you. Honestly, I don’t know why I kissed you. I was just –” Recollection of years earlier, months earlier, even just days earlier flood his mood. The emotional baggage they carry coming with as tears threaten to rise and a familiar warmth settles in his nose and between his eyes. Suppressing both when he whispers, “I was scared that someone had already taken you away…”
Jaehyun scoffs again. “So it's clear then? You don’t return my feelings. You only want to monopolize me. And you can’t do that while we’re friends, right? So you thought playing into my emotions, digging through some ancient history, and trying to treat me like a fool, would give you the advantage to bend me to your will. Nah. Fuck that.” He sets his luggage on the ground, piling his duffle onto his suitcase before slinging his backpack over one shoulder. “Go fuck yourself, Johnny.” He knocks shoulders with Johnny when he passes but is stopped before he can go any farther with a grab to his wrist. Jaehyun lets out another sigh, sounding more and more exasperated with each passing moment. “Don’t know why you’re making an effort to really piss me off today.”
“Where are you going?”
Jaehyun snatches back his wrist, sneering at Johnny’s show of concern, be it genuine or not, he couldn’t care less for it. “Why the hell do you care? Just don’t follow me.” He makes a move to exit again but is duly restrained in his tracks. “Let go. I’m not playing any more of your fucking games, John.”
“No. Listen to me. We need to talk about this. I’m not about to let you leave here in some shitty, predictable soap opera exit. We’re talking about this. Now.”
Johnny could see how Jaehyun’s shoulders tensed, hands clenching into fists as he grips his suitcase handle with more force than should be applied. “No, you listen to me. I’m not in the right mind to argue with you anymore. If you try to talk to me now, we’re both gonna end up getting hurt more than already so. I’m trying to be the bigger person here, okay? For your sake, I’m trying to salvage what’s left of our friendship. As a longtime friend, if you even still care about me as one, I’m willing to forget this night happened. I just need my space.”
“I don’t want to be friends.” Jaehyun immediately turns back to him then, meeting his eyes and Johnny knows he’s trying to search for sincerity, answers, some sort of confirmation before he lets the hurt sink in and worsen. Johnny continues before he can jump to that conclusion, “I can’t be friends anymore when I have more than friendly feelings for you. I like you, Jaehyun.”
“Bullshit. Pulling that kind of crap right now? Really? You’re a piece of work, Suh.”
“It’s true! I like you!”
“No, you don’t! If you liked me you wouldn’t have done all of this. If you liked me you wouldn’t have kissed me out of nowhere, or in the very least been able to have responded to why you did! You don’t like me, you just like having me. I’m a safety for you. Well. Guess what, I’m not about to be treated like anyone’s safe choice.”
“You’re not my safe choice!” He shouts, voice ragged and out of breath, tiredly raking a hand back through his hair before letting it slide down his face. “You know this already… If I was scared to lose you, do you really think I would also see you as some sort of ‘safe choice’?”
“Don’t try to twist my thoughts. You’re scared to lose me because you won’t have me as your safe choice anymore if I’m gone. You fear you won’t have that constant to fall back on.”
“No. I’m scared to lose you because you’re my safe space. I fear I won’t have that comfort to return to. There’s nowhere and no one I’m more comfortable with than you. And there's no one I would ever want to have this sense of security with if not you. I'm not taking you for granted. Rather - there hasn't been a moment where I haven't been grateful to know that I have you at my side.” Jaehyun doesn’t respond, but his knuckles are no longer white as his grip on his suitcase handle loosens ever to subtly. Johnny takes this as encouragement. “You’re special to me, Jaehyun. Whether you believe me or not anymore – and you have a very good reason to not believe me right now, I know – but please … please at least know that I care about you, that I never meant to hurt you, that I never meant for any of … well … this to happen.” He sighs, rubbing a hand over his evidently fatigued expression. Even though he validated Jaehyun’s feelings and interpreted mental space right now, Johnny doesn’t know what he’ll do if Jaehyun remains resolute in walking out.
“You’re an idiot.”
His head snaps back up, using his hand to haphazardly wipe the droplets that threaten his vision only to see Jaehyun, slumped shoulders and hands back at his side, not yet turning to face Johnny but that’s alright, this is progress. This is a sign, a signal, a beacon of hope. “Yeah, I am. The biggest idiot.” He inches closer to the other, quietly, slowly, “I’m really fucking dumb,” until right behind him. Less than arm’s length away, he could feel Jaehyun’s warmth, scent, presence, ignite his every sense. Biceps tensing. Jaw tightening. He itches to hold him. To rid the last step between them and trap him in an embrace he could never escape. But he restrains himself, for his sake, and more so for Jaehyun’s. It feels as though hours pass before the latter portrays any response. His head turns slightly, only the silhouette of his profile noticeable, but that alone already speaks volumes. He’s acknowledging Johnny’s presence and, in doing so, hasn’t made any movement to replace distance between them.
Johnny’s sure that’s what he means by doing that. Certain and hanging onto the glimmer of promise, he gives in to his prior desire and circles his arms around Jaehyun, pulling his body back against his chest and securing his hold before the younger could even attempt to have second thoughts and try to escape. His head drops to Jaehyun’s shoulder, letting out a shaky breath or two as his eyes squeeze shut and the cursed, unwelcomed heat returns to the area between his eyes. “You’re gonna get my shirt wet.” A pet to his head has him lifting it back up, unaware a tear had already slipped until another three are made in quick succession.
“Sorry,” is all he can muster, his voice rougher around the edges.
Jaehyun sighs again, something that has become unintentionally routine for the two, though the exhale seems less irritated this time around. “It’s alright. Just don’t cry, you have an ugly crying face.” There’s sarcasm laced in those words. Sarcasm. Snark. Another sign of friendly banter returning, albeit with an undertone of strain and hesitance, but good feelings there nonetheless, and that enough brings a smile to Johnny’s lips.
“Sorry, we can’t all be drop-dead gorgeous 24-7.”
“You should be. Do better.” They break into a fit of giggles, the tension progressively dripping away from their muscles and only remaining in bits and particles of the air around them. A heaviness remains, but no longer is it as crushing and daunting as before. Johnny still holds Jaehyun with possessive concern, and Jaehyun’s hands move to rest on the forearms where they cross over his chest to ease the older’s heart only a bit. Among it all there’s a silent mutual concession: Neither is going anywhere. That serves as the most comforting thought to Johnny right now.
But the still, stalling air doesn’t last long before one of them breaks it. In this case, it just happens to be Jaehyun who takes the first bite again. “What do you like about me,” it sounds more like a statement than a question, although still prying for an answer. There’s no clear emotion or intention read through the phrases, but it can be taken as another chance for Johnny to redeem himself, to make up for his shortcomings from some short time ago. So, he believes it to be just that alongside Jaehyun seeking to quench his own genuine curiosity.
Letting out a short chuckle through his nose, “Where do I begin?”
“The kiss would be a good place to start,” he suggests, tracing shapes into Johnny’s arm with his index finger, another of his telling, nervous habits. “What suddenly made you do that. Why made you realize that you like me.”
A wider smile splits across Johnny’s face, one he knows Jaehyun can’t necessarily see but he hopes he can sense its presence nonetheless (and with how long they’ve been around each other, it wouldn’t be a farfetched assumption to think he does). Burying his face in the crook of Jaehyun’s neck, he takes a moment to take in his scent again, his warmth, his very being, his everything, a calming reminder that he’s here with him now, and for in this period of time, these few seconds, he is his. “Well, it’s actually a long story.”
“We have time.”
Another chuckle, then he starts.
What he shares in those handfuls of hours before their consciousness begins to lull certainly isn’t enough to relay years of muddled feelings and mangled thoughts, but this will do – for now. And it must’ve been convincing enough because, on the same night, Jaehyun kisses him. Both tucked away in one of the two full beds, although still tightly squeezed up face-to-face due to their respective large builds, Johnny is sure to reciprocate this time. While carrying with him, in the back of his mind, that he knows this is only the beginning.