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It’s Christmas Eve and Hawks is spending it at a bar.
It’s not that crowded, it’s just him, the bartender, and a couple of older gentlemen on the other end of the bar talking about politics. Hawks has been nursing his drink for the past hour. He was foolish to come here. He knows he was foolish to come here, and he should just go. He’s naive for reading too much into the letter he’d got.
Logically he knows that he should have told someone where he is, and who he’s meeting. He should have told Enji. Or perhaps it’s for the best he didn’t tell Enji. Enji’s once-gorgeous house is nothing but ash and structure beams, destroyed only a week before Christmas.
Arson cases may have been on the rise lately, but Hawks knows that Enji’s house was specifically targeted. Everyone knows the Todoroki estate was specifically targeted. The identity of the arsonist is all over the news.
Hawks grabs his jacket off of the coat rack to leave, but then the bell chimes. He looks towards the door. Outside, it’s snowing hard, the wind slanting the snowfall sideways. A tall man is in the doorway, his face hidden by a mask and his hair obscured by a black hood.
Hawks’ breath catches in his throat. He slowly shrugs his coat off.
“Hey.” He says.
Touya shakes his head. “Really? That’s what you’ve got to say to me? Hey?” He steps inside.
“What else am I supposed to say to you?” Hawks says. What else is he supposed to say to his criminal ex-boyfriend who spontaneously asked him to meet him at a bar mere days after burning his childhood home to the ground? Hawks doesn’t think there’s a protocol for that. If there is, he’d certainly love to know it.
The bartender is playing on his phone in the back, paying no mind to the new person who’s arrived in the bar. Touya slips into the stool beside Hawks, and the bartender finally comes over.
“Heya, man. The usual?”
“Yeah, thanks.” Touya says.
“It’s dangerous for you to be recognized.” Hawks says.
“Actually, it’s more dangerous here for you. We’re in the slums, pretty bird.” Touya says, and Hawks ignores the pet name. “I blend in here. You’re the little golden boy everyone looks up to.”
Hawks glances at his beer. He brings it up to his lips and takes a long sip. “I’m fucking sick of the spotlight.”
“If you’re not going to do anything about it, stop complaining.” Touya says. The bartender comes back with his beer, and Touya pulls down his mask to drink it.
The cheap holiday lights on the beer hutch throw his features into a dark shadow. He was very handsome once, underneath all the scars and burns that mar his face. Hawks had loved him, once. A stupid part of him still does.
“So. Last week. You were pretty busy, huh?”
Hawks watches as Touya’s expression contorts into a terrifying grin. He tilts his head to the side, rests his elbow on the bartop, and presses his cheek against it. Touya is familiar enough with his skin grafts to avoid hurting himself with the gesture, pressing the heel of his palm to his cheekbone. It scrunches up his eye slightly when he does that.
“Is it so obvious that it was me? Maybe I should cover up my tracks better.” He says.
Hawks gives him a stare. Touya just keeps grinning at him.
“You were dancing on the ashes of the house when police arrived.” he says.
Touya’s grin doesn’t falter.
“I originally wanted to do it while the man was there . It was too bad he was on vacation when I lit the place up.” Touya says. “But then I thought about it, and I realized coming home to his entire house burnt to a pile of soot and ash the week before Christmas would hurt more than actually being there when it happened.” Touya’s eyes widen for a second, as he sits up properly. “You were there, right? Did the tree itself survive? Imagine if that was the only thing left? That would have made them cry, I think.”
“You’re insane.” Hawks says. “What about your mother and siblings?”
Touya just shrugs, as he takes a sip of his drink.
“I don’t have a mother or siblings.” Touya says. “My father has a wife and children.”
Hawks knew he’d say that. It still doesn’t sit right with him. “This is about more than just the chief, Touya. Your desire for revenge could hurt Natsuo. Fuyumi. Shouto. Rei.”
Touya shrugs his shoulders. “How tragic.”
Touya used to be different. They’d grown up together. Hawks had spent every single Christmas at the Todoroki family. His Handlers didn’t think it was very important to celebrate a holiday, which was just as well, as Hawks was miserable around them. He remembers the gorgeous decorations that Fuyumi and Rei would put up. He used to bake cookies with Touya every year, until one year, the two of them had forgotten about the cookies in the oven and nearly burnt the place down. After Touya had been punished for that, he never wanted to touch the oven again. Hawks couldn’t blame him. The next time he’d see Touya, he’d had a bruise the size of his father’s fist on his stomach for a week and light burns on his arms for months.
“Why did you want to meet with me here?” Hawks asks. “You know I could’ve told the rest of the department you sent me that letter.”
Touya shrugs his shoulders, almost lazily. “You didn’t, though.”
“I could be bugged.”
“Nah.” Touya says. “If you were, I'd already be locked up. I wrote you that letter because you’re the only officer worth talking to.”
Hawks frowns. “You didn’t say that when I signed up.”
“That’s because I was mad at you.” Touya says, “You knew what he did. You know what they covered up.”
“He saved my life, you know.” Hawks says. “He inspired me to try and become a hero.”
Touya raises his glass, and clinks it against Hawks’, in a cruel mockery of cheers. “Well, he inspired me to become an arsonist and a murderer. What an inspiration Enji Todoroki is.”
Hawks flinches. It’s involuntary.
He swallows a lump in his throat. “You actually killed someone?”
Touya snorts. “You only skimmed my file, huh?”
“No, I read it. I just didn’t believe it.”
“I did it.” Touya says, with no hesitation. “I’m a different person than I used to be. You know, it’s just like what they say. The ends justify the means.”
That’s Enji Todoroki’s favorite phrase. “ The ends will justify the means. If it’s what will keep the people safer in the long-run, sometimes, we must make difficult choices .” It’s what he says in interviews, when his tactics are questioned by the media. Hawks remembers standing beside Enji as his number two, listening to him talk, steadfast and confident in his delivery.
“You’re not keeping people safe, though. You killed them.” Hawks says.
“No one’s going to hurt them ever again. Because they’re dead.” Touya says. “Besides, watching my father fail at protecting the citizens within his ward? Getting him punished for crimes he got away with in the past? In this case, the ends justify the means.”
The bartender is humming along to a Christmas song playing on the radio. It's some generic pop number that Hawks has heard on a constant loop in the supermarket. Touya isn’t even looking at him. The silence is too much for Hawks. Last Christmas is playing on the radio, and the lyrics are echoing in Hawks’ head uncomfortably.
He gets up.
“I’m going outside.” He says. Touya’s eyes flick over to look at him.
“You’re not gonna call the rest of the force to come and arrest me, are you?” Touya asks.
Hawks is considering it. His phone is practically itching in his jacket pocket. He just gives Touya a cold look as he leaves the money for his beer on the table.
Touya smirks and gets up, too. “In that case, I’m going with you.”
Outside, the snowfall is lighter, but still coming down. The bar has an overhang, a little smoking area. The roads are barren, save for the street lamps that illuminate the tire tracks in the thick snow. Christmas lights are strung up around the outside of the bar, making red and green alternate in the snow.
“I should call the police on you.” Hawks says. It’s more to himself than it is to Touya. “I’m an idiot for not doing it in the first place.”
Touya takes a step closer to him. When they’re this close, Touya is taller, only by a few inches. It wasn’t always that way. When they were kids, Touya was tiny, and frail. Hawks used to be able to rest his elbow on top of Touya’s hair and call him an armrest.
“Well, what’s stopping you?” Touya lights a cigarette. He holds it between his lips, one a deep violet, one a pale pink. He flicks his lighter three times until a flame emerges and licks at the tip. The smell of nicotine fills Hawks nostrils, and he frowns. He never liked it when Touya picked up that hobby. The one time he’d confronted Touya about it, though, he’d said the wrong thing, the wrong way, and Touya kept at it to spite him.
“Don't be too appreciative of it. I’m still considering it.” Hawks replies.
“If you haven’t done it by now, you wouldn’t do it in the first place.” Touya steps even closer. He pulls the cigarette out of his mouth and holds it between his fingers, blowing a column of smoke into Hawks’ face. Hawks closes his eyes, and when he opens them, he’s annoyed to see Touya grinning at him.
“Don’t do that.”
“You’re into it.” Touya says. “Remind me, who was the one who got me into edibles in High School?”
“That’s different.” Hawks says.
“Sure it is.” Touya says. “Or maybe it’s only different because you actually like that drug.”
Hawks doesn’t dignify that with a response and stares up at the sky. The clouds are blocking the moon, but snowflakes dance in the beams of light like fireflies.
“Why’d you do it? To the rest of them.” Hawks says. “I won’t play stupid. I know why you did it to your father’s house. I know you think he needs to be punished. But the civilians don’t deserve this.”
“I’m not gonna stand here and take morality lessons from a cop.” Touya takes a long drag of his cigarette, watching one plow drive across the road. It’s the only car they’ve seen since coming outside. “Remember two weeks ago? The invade-and-search first, ask-questions-later incident?”
“We had reasonable suspicion that Chisaki was hiding there. And Chisaki is a dangerous criminal.”
“But he wasn’t there,” Touya says, “And when the people who lived there retaliated at the intrusion, they were arrested.”
“They were cleared of all charges after we realized it was a false lead.”
“Mmhm.” Touya mumbles, non-committal. “Because that makes all of their trauma and injuries from the attack fade away to nothing. Doesn’t it?”
No, it doesn’t. Hawks grits his teeth together. He can’t fight with Touya about this. He knows he can’t.
“You’re just as bad. You’re destroying peoples’ lives, just to spite your father. I want to help you, Touya.”
“I’m beyond help.” Touya shrugs and flicks the ashes onto the snow. The wind blows, and brings with it a bitter chill that makes Hawks shiver. The snow falls in Touya’s dark hair. Hawks just stares at the side of his head. His hair is black now, but it used to be red-tinted-white or white-tinted-red, Hawks was never sure. Touya looks significantly less like his father with the darker hair. Touya turns towards Hawks. The flashing red and green lights reflect in his eyes. “It’s a nice thought, though.”
“No, you aren’t!” Hawks says, glaring at Touya. There’s a voice in his head, a loud voice in his head, that lectures him: there’s no saving a criminal, Hawks . It’s the commission’s voice. It’s Enji’s voice. And Hawks does believe it. He believes what he’s been told since he was a child. It’s cut and dry. It makes sense. People are good, or people are bad. Touya has made his decision.
But, still. Another smaller and shier voice that sounds more like Keigo, not Hawks, asks: he’s still Touya, isn’t he?
Touya steps closer and Hawks knows what he’s about to do before he does it. But then Touya has one of his hands caressing Hawks’ cheek, and slides his other arm around Hawks’ middle. The cigarette is in the hand that rests against the small of Hawks’ back now.
And then he’s kissing him.
Hawks pulls away first, before he can even register what’s happening, and he looks into Touya’s eyes. They’re framed by grotesque purple bags. Silver piercings are glittering green from the Christmas lights on the window. His eyes are still that brilliant shade of blue. Everyone thinks that Hawks’ favorite color is red, like the wings he has tattooed on his back, but it’s always been blue.
“Touya.” He says, desperate, and he leans in, because he’s an idiot, and he’s the one to connect their lips again. He brings his hands to Touya’s cheeks, careful of the burns, just ghosting his fingers on the healthy skin just above the piercings.
He hasn’t kissed Touya in years.
They’d dated in High School, but shortly before they were set to graduate, Touya had died. Or so Hawks had thought. After being burned beyond recognition, Touya had run off and given himself a new name, one that quickly spread around the neighboring stations like the fires he started. Dabi is a criminal; Hawks knows that. He didn’t give a shit about Dabi, the arsonist who had killed multiple people when he set their homes on fire.
They’d never actually broken up, but, ‘til death do we part’ applied to any relationship, not just a marriage. It went without saying. But since Hawks had learned that Touya was Dabi, his black-and-white way of viewing crime had been doomed. Even the other officers had their doubts about his ability to separate his former lover from Dabi.
He still feels like Touya. His lips are rougher than he remembers, he tastes like nicotine and beer. Hawks moves his lips against his gently until Touya kisses him back rough, forcing Hawks’ mouth to stay open with his tongue.
Hawks knows he needs to stop. He needs to pull away and stop fooling around with a literal convict. But then Touya pulls his bottom lip with his teeth and he’s lost his entire train of thought.
“Sorry Dove,” Touya says. His voice is rough like gravel. Touya calling him “Dove” was an insult back when they were in elementary school, but now, the pet name ties Hawks’ stomach in knots. “I gotta go.”
“I don’t think so,” Hawks spits, and he grabs Touya by the back of the neck and kisses him again. He can feel Touya’s smirk -- or is it a smile, Hawks can’t tell from how close they are -- against his lips.
“This is the last time you’ll see me.” Touya says. He snickers. His breath tickles Hawks’ lips. “Unless you manage to get me behind bars, that is.”
“I know that.” Hawks pulls him back into another kiss. His fingers knot into Touya’s hair, and his other hand reaches around behind him to grab Touya’s hand that’s resting on his back. He forces the cigarette out of Touya’s fingers, and then stomps it into the snow with the heel of his boot. “You fucking dick .”
“Hey -- “
Hawks shuts Touya up with another kiss, lacing their fingers together behind his back. Touya isn’t pulling away this time and shifts, and now Hawks is pressed against the wall of the bar. He supposes he’s thankful that it’s not a window. Not that there’s anyone inside of the bar to really watch them.
Hawks has to breathe sometime, and pulls away, catching his breath and looking over at Touya’s face.
He doesn’t know what he looks like, but he feels positively wrecked, and his vision is blurry. He’s stupid for being in this situation in the first place. If that camera above the bar to his left actually functions, and the commission watches the footage because they’re suspicious of Hawks’ whereabouts tonight, he’s screwed .
He swallows a lump in his throat. He leans his head back, so that he can feel the cool material of the wood against the back of his neck. The rest of him feels like it’s burning up.
“You know I loved you, right?” he asks.
Touya just looks at him, his eyes flicking up from Hawks’ neck to meet his gaze. Hawks still has his arms wrapped around Touya’s neck.
“I know.” Touya says.
Hawks takes a deep breath. He knew Touya wouldn’t say it back. It’s something he’s always struggled to say, even back when things were normal between them. It doesn’t change that he means it, though. He doesn’t take the words back.
“So this is all I get. You know, you didn’t even have the decency to dump me properly before you ran off to go on a crime spree.”
Touya looks into his eyes. He’s always been impossible to read. Some people can tell entire stories with their eyes, but not Touya. He’s guarded. He’s just like his father like that. Hawks knows his personal ticks, his body language, the nuances of his words, but looking into his eyes always leaves Hawks with far more questions than they do answers. Especially now.
He can’t take Touya home. He can’t let him know his address, because after this Christmas, they’ll be enemies again. It’s cold out here, which makes being wrapped up in Touya’s arms like this infectious. He doesn’t want to leave.
Touya’s the one who separates their fingers. He takes his hand back.
“Why did you think I wrote you that letter? That’s what this is.” Touya says. His voice is cold. It matches the chill in the air. Another plow drives by them, slowly, the sound of shifting snow the only thing they can hear.
Hawks had to know that’s why Touya sent him the letter. For closure. Ever since the truth came out, ever since Touya revealed his identity in a dramatic fight with his father, Hawks has been thinking about it non-stop. He knows that it’s naive to have anything besides closure with Touya. He has a job to do, and his job involves arresting him for what he’s done.
“You dick.” Hawks hisses, again. He grips Touya’s hair so hard it must hurt. Touya just looks at him. “You’re seeing me for the first time in eight years and you’re in a rush to leave.”
Touya’s eyes look down at Hawks’ lips, then up at his eyes. “Wouldn’t want the Todoroki family to miss you too much.”
Every year he spends Christmas with the Todoroki family. Usually he’ll head up there on Christmas Eve, but he’s already late. He’s certain Fuyumi has sent him a few confused texts, wondering if he’ll be there in time for cupcakes. They don’t have their beautiful estate anymore, but the Todoroki family is currently staying at a hotel, and still told Hawks to come up and spend time with them. It’s a tradition Fuyumi hadn’t let die when Touya died, having Hawks stick around.
“You know about that?” Hawks asks.
Touya just gives him a cold look. “You fit right in.”
Hawks slides his hand that was in Touya’s hair around his jaw, slowly, carefully. The skin of his neck and jaw are the most affected by the burns. He wonders if it hurts Touya when he touches this, but he doesn’t flinch. Hawks wonders if he has any feeling left in the skin at all.
“I only did it because I missed you.”
“And schmoozing up to my father was only a bonus, right?”
“It was never about him -- I always hated what he did to you -- “
“Not enough to turn him in.” Touya says, and he steps away, and the coldness of the air between them feels like a slap to the face. “Not enough to resign and realize how fucked up the patrol really is.”
“I’m trying to make it better. From the inside.”
Touya laughs. He pulls his mask back up, covering his nose and jaw. He yanks his hood up, hiding his messy hair.
“Good luck with that, Keigo.” Touya says, and then he turns to leave. Hawks watches him go, and feels his phone vibrating in his pocket. He should tell someone who he saw. He should use this opportunity to call the authorities. If he lets Touya go, he’ll just hurt someone else.
But he does let him go. He runs his fingers through his hair in frustration and groans.
The door to the bar opens, and the two gentlemen who were talking about politics are on their way out. Suddenly, it occurs to Hawks that all the lights are off. They must have closed up for the night. He can’t blame them. It was so slow, and it’s supposed to keep snowing all night. There’s no point in staying open.
“Merry Christmas,” One of the men says as he leaves, the other one repeating the phrase.
Hawks doesn’t reply to either of them, and just pulls his phone out of his pocket.