Work Text:
It was kind of strange...meeting Oliver for the first time. He was an American in the best and worst ways possible. Brash and arrogant but with an annoying amount of good-natured charm. I wasn't wrong when I told my mother that everyone likes him. They do. I do.
His presence was magnetic and I craved him more than cigarettes most days. I drew him in like nicotine to smoke-starved lungs. It was no wonder I was smoking so much these days. My mouth certainly needed a purpose besides spilling my heart out or tasting his skin.
After days and weeks of nothing, there was new potential in the air. We had shared several kisses at the pond and I was starting to finally see the intent in his eyes when he looked at me or when our knees bumped under the breakfast table. It felt like we were finally building something together. My heart raced as I felt the crescendo approaching. His letter clinched it for me.
I should have felt guilty using Marzia the way I did, and I did, but I also did truly like her. I certainly liked being with her as well, but... she wasn't Oliver. I was starting to wonder if anyone would ever shine as brightly to me as Oliver did. He blazed a trail so brightly that I could barely even see myself anymore. I spent the morning with her trying to scratch the itch that had emerged under my skin the day Oliver stepped out of that taxi. The itch still remained.
‐------‐-------------------------
The morning after, I felt hollowed out. I couldn't explain it but there was a new emptiness inside me when I awoke in Oliver's arms the next day and I couldn't fathom why. I mean... I had already had sex before and I certainly didn't feel like this after Marzia. It had been fun with her but I hadn't felt emotionally any different. Was it because it was a boy? Or more accuratley, a man? Was it because no one had ever been inside me before? I had no idea.
I didn't feel hurt, at least not physically. Oliver had been so gentle and prepared me properly before entering me in any way. Even so, I felt some soreness the next day. I couldn't complain that he had hurt me or coerced me, either. He hadn't. I had pursued him and begged for him to fuck me. I had enjoyed it. I enjoyed it so much, we had done it twice.
All last night I had only felt deliriously happy and my skin was fit to burst with arousal. Oliver was passionate but he clearly knew what he was doing and never hurt me, even when I begged for him to fuck me harder. He never relented. So then, why now was I...this?
I knew I was hurting him and causing him to panic as I pulled away from his touch. He was all smiles and gentleness this morning and I could barely return a half-hearted grin. I'm sure he saw through it, I never had the knack for lies or falsehoods. His frown told me I was correct on that front. He knew. He still followed me to the pond simply because I wanted it. It clearly pained him to see me this way but he bore it. He wore his shame, believing he had ruined me. He had...but not in the way he believed.
There was a newly carved space inside me that felt impossible to fill. Oliver had ruined me for anyone else and my body and mind were struggling to play catch-up. It seemed impossible to be this much in love knowing it would come to an impending end so soon when the bonds were so freshly forged. This structure stood as a monument to this important piece of my life but it felt so fragile like it was placed on an unsteady precipice.
I was at war with myself. My heart had seceded from my mind, a line drawn in the sand between them. On the one side, was the need to protect myself from the inevitable nuclear fallout of our coupling. On the other, my wild heart yearned for this new connection, so different from anything it had felt before.
I was right when I told Oliver I knew nothing. Somehow spending the night together had made me know even less. At breakfast, he gave me the distance I thought I wanted. This love thing was infinitely stranger than I could have ever believed because being parted from him felt wrong. Is it possible to want space but need to still be within their orbit? Because that's what I felt like; a new planet orbiting the sun, freshly formed and craving warmth.
Apparently my heart and mind could at least agree that they both wanted to be near Oliver. Merde. I guess I'm following him to town.
Finis.