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Dean could barely hear the loud ringing of his phone. Castiel’s words were stuck in his brain, buzzing around like a swarm of bees coming closer, louder, surrounding him. He wished the Shadow had taken him to the Empty. Everything would have been better than the noise of his own thoughts.
At some point his phone had stopped ringing, but Dean barely registered it. How could he have been so stupid. Of course, Cas would offer himself up, the stupid, selfless bastard. He had always been there to take the hit. Dean had treated him like shit, questioned his loyalties, thrown him out of the bunker when he was at his most vulnerable, blamed him for Mary’s death and yet, Cas was always there for him.
“I always come when you call”, he had once told Dean. There wasn’t a single person more reliable than Castiel, goddamn fallen angel of the lord. “The one thing I want, I know I can’t have.” Of course the beautiful idiot would think that. Dean never told him the truth. Hell, he never told anyone the truth. Why would he. He never thought someone so divine, a celestial being as old as the universe, could feel that way about a simple human. Him. A drunk, violent high school dropout who had been to hell and back, torturing thousands of souls in between.
But Cas had known all that and more. He had rebuilt his soul and body from the pieces that were left after forty years and raised him from perdition. The angel’s happiest moment had been speaking this unfathomable truth, that he, Castiel, loved Dean Winchester.
Hours passed, maybe days, Dean wasn’t sure. He sat there in the dungeon, crying until there was no tear left to spill. When he became tired, he closed his eyes there and then, not daring to leave the spot where he last saw Cas.
Sometime after that Sam and Jack came back to the bunker, calling out for Dean before they found him in that very same spot. Sam kneeled down in front of his brother, a concerned look on his face. “Dean, what are you doing down here? What happened?” Lifting a hand at his shoulder, he added: “Whose blood is that?”
Slowly forcing his eyes to focus on Sam, Dean winced and drew back the shoulder before his brother’s hand could touch it. The handprint had dried, but was still fully visible. Realizing that this bloody symbol of their profound bond was the only physical thing he had left of Cas had Dean shaking again. “Dean, where is Cas?”, came a voice from the door. Jack hadn’t come any closer, but his face showed a little confusion, mixed with concern and he somehow looked exactly like his father.
Dean opened his mouth to answer, but no sound came out. Sam and Jack deserved to know what happened, so he cleared his throat and managed to force out a quiet “He’s gone. Cas is gone, Jack”. “Are you sure?”, asked Sam. “I mean, maybe...” “I’m sure”, Dean interrupted him. In as few words as possible he explained how they had barely escaped Billie to the dungeon and how Castiel had summoned the Shadow to take both him and Billie.
When Sam asked how he did that, Dean exchanged a quick look with Jack. “Please don’t tell him”, he sent a silent prayer. The nephilim furrowed his brow, but remained silent. Out loud Dean only told his brother that he didn’t want to talk about it and asked about what had happened to everyone else.
He only listened with one ear, barely processing Sam’s quick recap of Chuck’s very own Thanos snap. Instead, the buzzing in his head was back, louder than before. Dean couldn’t even make out words anymore, not like before. His angel’s voice had become nothing more than a background noise, as if it was now him standing behind the swarm of bees and not the main voice anymore.
Dean was spiraling. How could he forget his best friends voice this fast? The voice of the man he loved, had loved for so long? He didn’t realize he had started to rock his body back and forth, still sitting on the cold floor, hands pressed over his ears. “Dean! Dean, can you hear me?”, Sam was barely audible even though Dean was pretty sure he was yelling at him. He tried focusing on his brother, but it felt like he was miles away.
Somehow, the bees had transformed into water, dark, heavy, deep sea water. Breathing became difficult and his surroundings blurred, until there was just pitch-black nothingness. Amazingly, the voices were dying down, except for two familiar ones not far away from him. One of them was Meg’s voice, of all people, and the other one - “Cas!”, he screamed. Maybe, if he was just loud enough, the angel could hear him.
But no, there was no reaction, just the continuation of the voices fading, the one most important to him included. “Cas!”, he tried again, but suddenly it was quiet again and the only buzzing he could hear was the light on the ceiling of the dungeon.
That night, Sam convinced him to sleep in his own room again, but not before forcing some cold fries down his throat. He almost threw them up again, so the burger was not an option. Apparently, they had ran out of booze, though Dean suspected his brother had something to do with that. “What is this, an intervention?”, he tried sounding upset, but what came out was just his dead voice, sounding like he didn’t care about the world anymore.
He sank into his memory foam mattress feeling hollow. His mind was in that special state that felt tired, but restless at the same time, unable to sleep. What was it about that weird vision he had earlier? Dean was sure it must’ve been the Shadow in Meg’s form, not actually Meg, but why did he hear its voice so clearly next to Cas’s? It hadn’t taken form, let alone talked to him when it took his best friend into the Empty.
Somewhere, in the back of his mind, hope began forming. What if Cas was trying to send a message? Trying to reach out? Maybe he was awake, just like last time, and needed his help? Now Dean was definitely not able to sleep anymore. He got out of bed and took a look at his alarm. Sam would probably be already asleep, but Jack might still be awake. Nephilim not needing a lot of sleep and all.
He found him in the kitchen with Sam’s laptop and some candy wrappers. Nougat, of course. “Hey, kid”, he greeted him before joining him at the table. “I’ve been thinking.” “Dean. Why are you awake?”, Jack asked him instead of a hello. Dean tried to explain what he heard and thought it might mean. “Do you think you might be able to contact him? I know your powers are weaker since Billie turned you into that bomb, but talking should be possible, right?” “Maybe”, Jack said slowly. “I’m not sure.” “Can you try, please? If he is still awake in the Empty, I need to know!”
Jack closed the laptop and looked at the hunter for a moment. His head tilt looked so much like Cas that if Dean had any tears left, they would have started to spill again. Instead, he tried to swallow the lump in his throat and watched the nephilim close his eyes in concentration. “Castiel?”, he asked. Then he opened his eyes and they were glowing bright again. “Can you hear me, Castiel?”
Suddenly, he raised his hands to put them on both sides of Deans head. Before he could say anything, Dean found himself in the deep darkness again, now recognizing it as the Empty from the stories he’d been told. It was quiet, too quiet for his liking. Maybe calling out his friend's name would be a bad idea if the Shadow was able to hear him so clearly. “Cas?”, he whispers instead. “Cas, are you here? I’m sorry. I need you, man. Come back to me, please!”
First, nothing happened. The Empty stayed silent and dark. Then, a quiet murmur became audible. A form crystalized in the darkness, until the familiar face of Meg became visible. “You’re the Shadow”, Dean stated. “Dean Winchester”, it greeted him. “I’ve met your brother. He lied to me. Are you a liar as well?” Dean didn’t answer, instead he tried the direct approach: “I want Castiel back.”
“Right to the point the, huh? Okay then, how do I put this. No!”, came the response. “We had a deal, we both held up our end of the bargain, there is nothing left to negotiate.” “Deals can be changed”, Dean pleaded. “You have Billie now, thanks to Cas. You would never have gotten to her on earth otherwise.” When the Shadow didn’t seem to come to reason, Dean tried shouting “Cas! Wake up, Cas! I’m here!” But nothing worked. Meg’s face on the cosmic entity just turned into a wicked smile and she brought her wine cup up to her lips. “You know, that’s going to do absolutely nothing. This place is of infinite dimensions, nobody can be found here unless I want them to be found.”
Dean didn’t listen to the Shadow. There had to be something he could do, anything. Then it came to him. He hadn’t asked Jack to bring him to the Empty specifically, he had asked to talk to Cas. So, there was a good chance he wasn’t actually that far away. He closed his eyes. “Cas? I hope you can hear me. I’m sorry about the way things ended. You left and I didn’t say anything. You told me -” Dean took a deep breath and opened his eyes. He hadn’t said it out loud before, not even to himself. “Cas, you told me that you love me and that you couldn’t have what you wanted.”
“What are you doing?” The Shadow’s tone became sharper now, but Dean ignored it. He continued: “You never asked. I’m bad at this feelings crap, you know that Cas, so why did you never ask? You can -” His voice breaks and he has to collect himself for what he is about to say. “You can have everything you want Cas, anything, if only you come back to me.”
At those words, the Shadow rose from its throne and stood before Dean. “Careful, boy. You shouldn’t lie in my presence. I don’t like liars.” “I’m not”, Dean stated. And he knew it was true. There was one thing left to say, those three small words that could change his world forever. “Cas”, he whispered. “Cas, I love you. I don’t even know how long or how it started, but I can’t live without you anymore. I just won’t. Please come back to me.”
“Dean?” The most beautiful voice he had ever heard came from right behind him. Slowly, fearing it was a trick the Shadow played him, Dean turned around.
There he was. Rumpled tie and trenchcoat, just like he remembered him. Eyes so blue, he could drown in them and his dark hair standing wild in all directions, as if he just came out of bed. Castiel, angel of the lord, and the love of Dean Winchester’s live.
For what felt like a millennium, they just stared at each other. Then the Shadow, still there and still in Meg’s form, cleared its throat and addressed Castiel. “Hey Clarence, I didn’t think you’d show. You seemed pretty adamant about not wanting to see your boy here again.” “What?”, Dean turned back to the angel. “Have you been awake the entire time?”
Cas nodded. “We made a new deal once the Shadow took me. I was able to help out with putting the other angels and demons back to sleep that were awake because of Jack. In return, I would be left alone and could decide whether or not to go back to earth.” Dean was speechless. “What are you still doing here then, man? Come back home!” “I didn’t think you’d want me there, Dean”, Cas explained. “I told you how I felt. I love you. Not as a brother, or as a friend, but as the one true love of my eternal life. Your rejection would destroy me. Therefore, I decided to stay here and get some rest.”
“Cas”, Dean started, not sure what to say. “I will never reject you again. I need you; I will always need you. And I meant what I said. I love you. Please, come home with me” He held out his hand. Castiel hesitated only for a second before taking it and nodding: “I will always come when you call, Dean.” And with those words, they were both brought back to earth, unharmed, still holding each other's hands, and meeting a smiling Jack in the bunker’s kitchen.