Chapter Text
“Don’t take down the decorations yet,” Pepper said. “My parents are coming by tomorrow.”
Tony had been lying face down on the couch, but immediately pushed himself up, feeling alarmed. “What? Why?”
“It’s my birthday.”
“So? They never needed to come over for your birthday before!”
“They want to meet Peter, too.”
Both of them turned to Peter, who was standing in the corner of the room, holding a balloon.
“Um,” Peter said, looking flustered at this sudden new curveball. “Are we… Do we not like Pepper’s parents?”
“Of course we do,” Pepper immediately said with a glare in Tony’s direction.
“But they never come to your birthday?” Peter clarified.
“They do. But I usually meet them in a restaurant. They don’t like coming to the compound because they feel unwelcome here,” Pepper explained in curt tones.
“Which is not my fault,” Tony vehemently added.
The look on Peppers face clearly said she thought otherwise.
Peter let the balloon drop to the floor and kicked it away. “So do you want me to be nice Peter or nasty Peter?”
“I didn’t know you had a drop-down menu to program your behavior,” Tony said. “Are there any other options, like funny Peter or dumb Peter? I’d love to see dumb Peter.”
“We want you to be yourself,” Pepper said.
“But, like, a nicer version of myself, right?”
“Yourself, Peter! There is no good or bad version. It’s just you.”
Tony nodded in agreement.
There were still a few things left in life that were beyond Tony’s understanding. Black holes, the Zodiac murders, people who own chihuahuas …
But this ‘parenting Peter Parker’-thing, he had it figured out to a tee. It was mostly all about nodding or shaking your head at the right moments, and using turtle videos as a strange sort of reward system. And if anything backfired; letting Pepper take the fall.
But he had a nagging feeling that Pepper’s parents coming to town was going to seriously mess up his mojo. They didn’t have a high opinion of him. They had always had their objections to Pepper and Tony’s relationship, and they certainly wouldn’t be thrilled about a teenager getting thrown into the mix. “Can I not be here when they arrive?” He asked, hopeful.
“Can we perhaps discuss this later?” Pepper asked, with a significant glance towards Peter.
Right, Peter was clearly a little unsettled to learn about their family dispute.
It seemed like nodding was the right choice for now, then.
-
Later that day, Peter sought him out in the workshop. The way he was fiddling around with screwdrivers without actually doing anything, made it clear that he wanted to talk.
“Just spit it out, kid,” Tony said, after Peter had rearranged his set of wrenches in a different order three separate times. “This about Pepper’s parents?”
Peter dropped a wrench to the table. “What are their names?”
“John and Theresa.”
“Do they live far away?”
“No, just outside New York, near Beacon.”
Peter winced a little, as if Tony had said something offensive. Then, he asked: “Why do you not like them?”
“We just never really got on. It’s not that big a deal. Just the classic in-laws issues. Pepper is lucky she never had any. Bit the dust long before she came into my life.”
“So they probably won’t like me either, then,” Peter established.
Honestly, Tony wasn’t sure. But he knew just enough about parenting to know that he shouldn’t vocalize it that way. “No, they’ll like you all right, kid. They might feel sorry for you, getting raised by the likes of me.”
“Are they nice to Pepper, though?” Peter asked.
“Yeah, of course. That’s part of the problem. They practically worship her.”
“All right,” Peter said, looking slightly more satisfied.
When Tony was in his twenties, his mother would usually scold him whenever she found out he had just had another one-night stand with a woman whose name he couldn’t remember. His father would roll his eyes and say: “Maria, let him have his fun. No respectable woman is ever going to want him, after all.”
At the time, he had found it funny. It was one of those rare times when his father seemed to take his side. He only realized later that it was actually just another way of cutting him down.
Pepper’s parents were very clearly of the same mind as Howard Stark: their little Virginia was ‘too respectable’ to be associated with former playboy Tony Stark.
“In other news,” Peter said, and Tony was shaken from his spiraling thoughts, back to reality.
Peter took a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket and held it out to Tony. “There’s a parents’ evening at school next week. On Thursday, with Mr. Harisson. Um – I asked Pepper. She has that business trip. She said she could try to schedule a different meeting with Mr. Harisson, but-“
“No need kid,” Tony said, snatching up the piece of paper. “I’m there.”
“Cool,” Peter said, looking relieved.
“I’m gonna get all the gossip on you, you know,” Tony warned. “This is where being a parent really pays off. Getting to know about all the teen drama that goes on when I’m not looking.”
Peter lifted his chin. “Actually, the school insists on the students attending, too. So I’ll be there to keep you in check. And don’t expect any teen drama. We’ll be discussing my grades, nothing else.”
“Sir, yes sir!”
“I’m serious, Tony. I might just make you a list of topics you’re not allowed to bring up.”
“Does Mr. Harisson know about your obsession with-“
“And turtles are high on that list, Tony! Please just have my back?”
Tony chuckled, patting Peter on the shoulder. “I’ll have your back, kid.”
-
The first thing Pepper had said after Tony proposed to her was: “Well, I guess I’ll have to tell my parents about you, now.”
Their relationship up to that point had been rocky, full of uncertainties and without any plans for the future. It was something just for the two of them; they both felt uncomfortable with the idea of sharing it with others.
Once they agreed that they might as well get married, all that had to change.
Theresa and John had been decidedly displeased with the whole situation. They were unhappy that Pepper had never informed them about her relationship. They were concerned about their daughter getting bothered by paparazzi. And they were horrified that Tony Stark of all people would be the one to marry their perfectly respectable daughter.
“He’s not the monogamous type,” John had said.
“I just think being attracted to ‘bad boys’ is so terribly cliché,” Theresa had said.
And they didn’t even have the decency to say all that behind Tony’s back, but rather while he was right there, sitting at the table with them.
That was almost two years ago now, and Tony had not exchanged a single word with them since then. Pepper always signed birthday and Christmas cards with both their names, and John and Theresa in turn sent him the perfunctory card when his birthday rolled around. As far as Tony was concerned, he didn’t need anything more.
Pepper had badgered him about it during the first few months. But after a while, she had accepted the situation, and never bothered Tony about it again.
So on this particular evening, he felt absolutely no inclination to join the others for dinner; not even to be there to introduce Peter to them. Pepper could do that on her own just fine. When FRIDAY reported that the in-laws were parking their car outside the compound, Tony was as far away from the living room as possible; in Bruce’s lab, watching him label blood samples.
“You have issues, Tony,” Bruce said as he scribbled tiny notes on even tinier pieces of paper. “You want to avoid your in-laws so badly that you would prefer to watch me do admin work for two hours straight?”
“It’s weirdly soothing. Almost ASMR.”
“Don’t you think Peter would like you to be there?”
“Nah,” Tony said. “Peter probably has a better shot at a nice dinner when I’m not there to create tensions.”
“You don’t think any tension might arise based on the fact that you refused to even show your face?”
“Not my parents, not my problem,” Tony lightly said, crossing his arms. “My own parents were bad enough. I’m rid of them now, I don’t want to go through the whole thing again.”
Bruce slightly shook his head, but didn’t badger him anymore. He just continued scribbling.
Pepper appeared in the lab about an hour and a half later. A little sooner than Tony would have expected. He sat up straighter. “Are they gone?”
Pepper clearly pretended not to hear the eager undertones in his voice. “Yes. We saved you some leftovers. Interested?”
“Sure. How was dinner?”
She sighed, straightening her jacket like she always did when she was displeased. “Peter was pretty rude to them, actually,” she said. “Nothing I can’t handle, of course. But I wasn’t happy about it.”
“Your parents were probably being passive aggressive at him,” Tony said, leaping to Peter’s defense.
“They were perfectly nice! And you know very well why he was behaving like that. I’m far beyond trying to get you to make nice with my parents. But can you please let Peter make up his own mind about them, instead of turning your personal feelings into his problem?”
“I told him they might like him,” Tony said defensively.
“Oh, that’s a big fat ringing endorsement. Especially right after you spent a whole day complaining about their arrival and hiding away as soon as they showed up. How dumb do you think Peter is? He picks up on stuff, you know. He’s not just a brick with eyebrows.”
Hard to argue against that point. “I’ll be better,” Tony promised.
“That’s good to hear. Because my parents extended an invitation for you to have dinner with them tomorrow evening.”
“Just.. just me?”
“I’m leaving for that business trip tomorrow afternoon. I’m sure they wouldn’t object to Peter joining you, although frankly you could use some time alone with them.”
Ugh. Parents.
Honestly, Tony felt a little kicked-into-the-deep-end. Or rather; he felt like Pepper had thrown him overboard into the ocean and was now waving at him from the deck as her ship sailed away.
-
That feeling had not disappeared by the next afternoon, when it was time for Pepper to leave. She would be gone for a whole week, and Tony hadn’t realized until now that this meant he would have to do this parenting thing all by himself. And Tony had not yet read enough parenting books to be able to pull that off.
He sat on the bed and watched her as she scurried around the room, packing her suitcase. “I’m a little nervous about you leaving,” he admitted.
“Why?”
“I don’t know. The internet says being a single parent is hard. Have you ever seen Finding Nemo?”
“How about this,” Pepper said, leaning her hip against the footboard of the bed. “If Peter gets kidnapped by scuba divers, I promise I’ll get the next flight back home.”
“Was it scuba divers? I don’t actually remember the movie that well. I thought it was a shark. Either way, all I know is the dad had to solve it all, and I do not have the energy to deal with all the jellyfish and seagulls and who knows what else.”
She hummed. “Good thing you have Rhodey as your co-parent, then.”
“I wouldn’t say co-parent…”
“Friday, where is Peter right now?” Pepper asked.
“Having tea with Rhodey,” FRIDAY immediately reported.
Pepper shot Tony a smirk.
“Well, fine,” Tony admitted. “But I also need you as my buffer zone between me and your parents. I can’t believe I have to go to diner with them.”
“Tony – I don’t want to argue over this again. I honestly don’t care what you do. I’ve made my peace with this situation a long time ago. If you have dinner with them, that’s nice. But don’t pretend like you ‘have’ to do it because I’m forcing you. I’m fine either way. Now, I have a plane to catch. Make sure Peter eats enough fruit and don’t forget the parents’ evening. Love you!”
-
Tony found Peter and Rhodey at the kitchen table, having their daily dosage of tea. Peter was folding an empty teabag like origami, a concentrated frown on his face.
Tony grabbed a mug from the kitchen counter and set it down, motioning for Rhodey to fill ‘er up. “How was school?” He asked Peter, stretching his legs out under the table.
“My history teacher came up with a stupid project,” Peter said, not looking up from his work. “And now I have to make a poster by next week. Do we have any really big pieces of paper?”
“How big are we talking?”
Peter shrugged. “Poster-sized.”
“Try Pepper’s office. Not like she’ll be using it, anyways.” He was aware that he sounded petulant. Like a child who wasn’t getting his way.
Rhodey noticed it too. “You seem grumpy. Usually, when Pepper goes on a business trip, you get all giddy because you want to stay up all night and watch movies she disapproves of.”
“Yeah, well, usually I don’t have to mentally prepare myself for a dinner with her parents.”
Rhodey lifted his eyebrows. “You’re having dinner with John and Theresa?”
“Actually, I haven’t decided yet. They invited me. Pepper says she doesn’t care whether I accept, but I get the feeling that she’d like it if I went.”
“Of course she would,” Rhodey said, rolling his eyes. “It’s far from easy when your parents and your husband are not on speaking terms.”
“I just have a thing about parents. I don’t like them.”
“Yes, but Tony,” Rhodey said, “you are a parent now.”
Tony’s gaze drifted back to Peter, who wasn’t focusing on the conversation because he was too busy balancing the empty teabag on his nose; his head tilted back. He looked completely idiotic.
It was adorable.
Yeah, he was a parent now. “I guess so. I just hope I don’t end up like my old man.”
Howard Stark had absolutely hated social engagements, which was strange because he loved business dinners. Apparently, he could only make small talk when he knew there was a juicy business deal on the horizon. Come to think of it, Tony didn’t remember his father ever really engaging with his in-laws; Maria’s parents. They never had big family events or Christmas dinners. Had Tony been missing out?
He should probably deal with his own in-laws better, for Peter’s sake. “I’ll go have dinner with them, then,” he murmured.
“Do you want me to come with?” Peter asked, letting the paper drop to the table.
“And do what?”
“I can tell jokes,” Peter suggested. “To lighten the mood. I know loads of spider puns. What do you call an undercover arachnid?”
“I don’t think that’s-“
“A spy-der. Get it? Spy… der.”
Tony dropped his head into his hands. “Is it too early to give up the will to live?”