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Phil never really struggles to fall asleep, or at least stay asleep, unless he is worried about something. But tonight, he doesn’t really know what he is worrying about. He is not even too sure that he is even worrying and it feels like a completely different emotion in general.
It’s around five in the morning and Dan is fast asleep right next to him, blissfully unaware of the rain that’s hitting their window aggressively enough that Phil thinks about blaming that on the reason why he is awake. He knows it isn’t.
He could blame the fact that he is exposed to the cold air of the night, Dan having pulled Phil free from the covers at one point or another in his sleep, but he knows it definitely isn’t that.
He could also blame it on the soft, low snores that he can hear coming from Dan’s mouth, but he also knows that isn’t. He can use the excuses all he wants but he knows he is only awake because he is overthinking again.
Again.
It often happens, when they both go to sleep at the same time, Dan more sleepy than Phil and not finding any issue with falling asleep leaving Phil wide awake to just ponder thoughts.
It doesn’t help that Dan just looks the way he does when he is sleeping next to Phil. In the same bed as Phil. Always in the same place as Phil because that’s where they were now.
It wasn’t always like that though, especially not the previous eighteen months that they’ve just had. 2012 was awful for them, to put it as simply as possible. It pains Phil to think about the way that year went for them, the way they almost put a stop to all of this, everything that they have worked towards together. He’s glad they didn’t because he wouldn’t get moments like this anymore.
Moments when he saw Dan slowly open up into the person he is now, like before the god awful year that was 2012 happened and even growing into a completely new person. 2012 took away parts of Dan that Phil thought he would never get back, but that year also gave Phil parts of Dan that he doesn’t think he could ever go without anymore.
The way Dan doesn’t care, but not caring in the best way possible. Dan being able to accept that he can’t control the emotions and thoughts of other people in his life, or even their audience. He can’t control the way they think, especially about himself. All he can control is the way he portrays himself, and more importantly the way he thinks about himself. He began not caring when he realised that people can think whatever they want, but that doesn’t mean that it’s necessarily true. Some of it could be, and some of it definitely is, especially how their audience and some random people who make overly obsessive and creepy magazine articles think Dan is a certain way sexually. They would be right but their opinion on that doesn’t matter. This made Dan care a little less, once Phil told him they can have their thoughts and conspiracy theories about their relationship, whether that be romantic or purely platonic, but their relationship is exactly that, theirs and no one can take that away from them. Phil saw something change in Dan’s eyes from that moment on.
The way Dan put himself first for one of the first times in his life. It was hard to watch, the years prior to 2012 Dan always cared about anyone other than himself. He would sit there and slave away for hours on end to create what he wanted as a perfect YouTube video, but that perfect would never happen and he would spend a few more hours on it, and then a few more on top of that. 2012 was the year that Dan put a halt on that. He still wanted to post content he was proud of, but he realised that content would never truly be perfect. This opened up a new side of Dan that Phil had never seen before, where he would step out of his comfort zone and create things that he may have not before. It was endearing to see.
Dan opening up was another thing that just filled Phil with that overwhelming feeling of adoration and enamours. They would sit for hours on end, in their lounge talking about things that Phil could tell had been locked up inside Dan’s head for years, maybe even longer. Things like how Dan isn’t entirely sure on his sexuality, he knows he loves Phil with his entire being but when it comes down to attraction to men, or women, or both, he wasn’t too sure. He would also explain things about his children that made too much sense about how he is in his adult life, Phil thinks, and how he wants to get professional support for those traumatic experiences. It wouldn’t be completely serious topics all the time, sometimes Phil would sit there and listen to Dan explain about how he thinks that Hayley Williams may be the most iconic women in existence or how he doesn’t get the excitement around going out clubbing every weekend.
He had watched Dan grow from the person too scared to voice opinions and speak about things he thought matters into this whole new individual that he isn’t embarrassed to say he loves even more.
Phil is not sure he could love anyone more than he loves Dan. On one hand, that was exhilarating. The feeling of giving your entire being to one other person and getting to know them enough to find new things to love about them. But on the other hand, it’s also terrifying, because he thinks this is it for him. He couldn’t love anyone any more than he loves Dan and that’s the end of it. Dan would decide to up and leave one moment and Phil would break apart.
Not knowing what to do.
Dan could close himself up again like the year before and Phil doesn’t know how he would snap him out of it again. He doesn’t even know how he did that last year so how would he even do it again?
He’s never felt like this before and even if he looks back throughout his romantic relationship experiences, none of those fleeting loves and attractions compares to the feeling of what he feels for Dan, the need to protect and give his entire being to Dan.
He knows what that means, even if this feeling is something out of a story book that he had read as a child, not really thinking that he would feel this way himself. He is in love and that’s terrifying to think about. He knows Dan loves him, but what if he isn’t in love? What if Phil tells him and that isn’t returned, scaring Dan away from him and thus losing him?
Phil doesn’t think he could cope with that.
“You’re awake,” Dan mumbles against his pillow, almost startling him from his thoughts. It isn’t a question, it’s more of a statement, like Dan doesn’t need to ask why Phil is awake and is just confirming what’s going on. Maybe that’s the half asleep brain state for him, Phil can’t be too sure.
“Yeah, sorry did I wake you?” Phil replies, almost a whisper like on the off chance Dan is actually still fast asleep and Phil doesn’t want to wake him. Except, Dan has never once spoken in his sleep in the years that Phil has known him and he isn’t sure that he would ever start now.
“No,” Dan says simply, and for a moment that’s all Phil thinks Dan is going to say. But then there’s a dip in the bed, and a body pressed up against his side. Phil leans into it without meaning to. “Are you okay?”
“Just thinking.”
“About?”
Phil truly does think about telling him, but he knows he should not. But that is that exact feeling that he told Dan to fight against, the feeling of rejection and fear.
Dan makes a little noise then, stretching his sleeping body in order to wake himself up a little bit more, and that tugs on Phil’s heartstrings immediately. This boy is going to be the death of him.
“Just us, and our relationship and,” Phil clears his thought for a moment, clearly his emotions have been getting to him tonight. Dan seems to think for a moment, a frown across his face with his eyebrows wrinkling and then moving into something a little more sincere, making Phil feel so incredibly seen. “Things.”
“I understand, but we’re good,” Dan smiles as he squeezes Phil where his hand decided to sit on his waist, shirt lifted up either from tossing and turning in his trying to sleep state or from Dan himself, he isn’t too sure. “We’re so unbelievably good.”
“It’s just really easy to think,” Phil shrugs, not tearing his eyes away from Dan’s though. He’s sure that he could sit here, staring into them in the low early morning sunlight.
“You should sleep,” Dan says softly, his thumb running back and forth against the exposed skin of Phil’s waist. It sends a shiver throughout his entire being. “It would help you out.”
“As long as you let me have some of the duvet,” Phil says and he watches as the frown across Dan’s face turns into something a little fonder, and a lot happier. Just the way Phil likes him even though he knows it is not always possible to get a completely happy Dan.
“I can’t promise that bub,” Dan replies, before spinning around to face away from Phil and Phil follows. Of course, he follows, because he is pretty sure he would follow this man wherever he goes.