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“Excellent dinner, as always,” Danny complimented, as he stood up and started to clear the table. It was just a few steps from the small dining area in Steve’s condo to the kitchen - he could have easily heard Steve’s acknowledgement if one had been forthcoming - but the other man was quiet and appeared lost in thought.
Danny was well accustomed to Steve’s moods by now, even more so than when their relationship was strictly work, and he set to work in the kitchen with a light heart nevertheless, running a sink full of warm, soapy water to do the dishes.
“It’s early,” Danny called over his shoulder. “Not used to knocking off work that early. D’ya want to go for a walk on the beach?”
Steve’s condo boasted its own stretch of beach that was inaccessible unless one was a resident or a guest of the condominium, so both men felt fairly comfortable spending time there together after dark. They tried to split their time between Steve’s and Danny’s places, with a regrettable number of nights spent apart for appearance’s sake. If it had been anyone other than Steve, Danny would have said the hell with appearances but since his lover was the head of Five-O, and since being head of Five-O was so important to Steve . . . Danny acquiesced to the situation.
Still no response from the other room. Danny sighed. Rinsing off the balance of the dishes, draining the sink, and quickly drying his hands, he went back into the living area. It was dark and Steve had moved over to the couch where he sat silently. In the dark.
“What’s wrong?” Danny asked, coming over and sitting next to Steve. He kept his voice low.
Steve shook his head.
“Come on, Steve,” Danny coaxed. “Settling into this funk doesn’t do either of us any good.”
Steve still refused to speak or acknowledge Danny, until he suddenly said. “Let’s go to bed.”
“Okay,” Danny agreed instantly. “Be right there.”
Steve stood up and stalked towards the bedroom. Danny sighed again, and detoured by the kitchen to double check that the range was off and then the front door to ensure the deadbolt had been thrown. By the time he got to the bedroom, Steve was already in bed. Quietly Danny headed off to the bathroom, hastily did his nightly hygiene, and came back into the bedroom. Exchanging his suit pants and dress shirt for an old pair of running shorts he kept there, he undressed and got into bed.
Pretty sure that any lovemaking, not to mention conversation, was not on the agenda, Danny worked on settling down and letting Steve stew over whatever it was Steve was stewing about. He picked up his book – he was diligently working his way through a surprisingly well-researched history of the NYPD – and got comfortable as he flipped open the hardback.
Steve was lying on his back, staring up at the ceiling.
Danny read a few paragraphs, but given his nature it was hard to ignore Steve’s moroseness. “One more time, Steve,” he said, looking over at his lover. “Is there anything I can do?”
Steve looked over at him, and Danny merely waited.
“Don’t you regret this?” he asked, his voice barely audible. He gestured at the bed space between the two men.
Danny arched his eyebrows. “This? Us? This, us together? No, Steve. I don’t. If I did, I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t be in bed with you. I wouldn’t be doing anything we’ve been doing.”
Steve shook his head slightly and returned his gaze to the evident study he was making of the ceiling fan’s gentle rotation.
“You must have a reason to ask.” Danny said, keeping his voice quiet as well. “It’s not anything I’m saying or doing, because I’m not questioning this. You are.”
“No,” Steve returned. “I’m not. You have no idea. “
“So tell me.”
“It’s only a matter of time before you –“
“Before I what?”
“Regret what I did.”
Danny arched his eyebrows. “What you did? Are you the only one here? I think I’ve been right in there, swinging at every pitch you throw. Don’t you mean what we did? What we’re doing?”
“Not every one,” Steve countered.
“Okay, what’s the deal?”
Steve clasped his hands together. “I want something from you so badly it’s all I can think about,” Steve stated softly. “I go through the entire day at the Palace with a perpetual hard-on, thinking about you.”
Danny smiled at that. “We’re not all that different there,” he admitted. “I’m open to anything you have in mind. If it’s too kinky, I’ll let you know.” He was thinking, however, that Steve’s desires had been rather conventional so far. They had became quite proficient at giving head to each other, and that plus some frottage and French kissing had never left either of them with blue balls. Danny was happy. Quite happy, actually.
“How does fucking grab you?” Steve said, his tone suddenly cutting and harsh.
Danny shot back: “I’ve never turned it down.” But as he thought about it, he felt his heart drop. And the more his mind raced through the idea, the more nervous he became.
“I want you in me,” Steve stated, flatly. “I can’t even tell you how much.”
Danny took a deep breath, desperately trying to keep up with the conversation; he hadn’t expected that. “Kind of a heavy deal, Steve.”
“I know.”
“I’m not adverse to the idea, but it would take some – “
Steve’s voice was low and intense. “You’ve never done anything like anything we’re doing, Danno. I know that. Don’t think I don’t hate myself for – “
“No.” Danny was stern and quick. “No, sir.”
“Hear me out – “
“Not when you’re talking like this!”
“I – “
Danny reached over and put his hand on Steve’s. “Steve, please. Don’t do this to yourself and don’t do it to me.”
Steve fell quiet and Danny struggled for something to say. Finally he settled for dropping his book back on the nightstand and shifting down in the bed so that he was lying down as well. He turned on his side, towards Steve.
“Steve, I’m open for anything you want to do. I . . . “ he let his voice trail off, because the back of his mind was still whirling with possibilities. But he picked up again to say: “You’re not asking for anything I don’t want to do. I might not have the, the knowledge. Or the experience. But I want what you want. All the rest – we can work out.”
Steve shook his head slightly. “Do you know the only thing I want to do more than that?”
Danny shook his head, by this time not daring to venture a guess.
“I want to cook for you. Put on my best duds and take you out on the town. I want to talk to you, play my guitar for you, hear about everything and anything you’ve ever done, seen or experienced. I want to move to the Big Island with you and get a ranch with horses and ride. I want to spend every minute of every day, making you happy. It’s . . . out of this world, how I’m feeling.”
Danny ensured his voice was carefully neutral. “And you can’t put a name to it?”
Steve laughed slightly. “Oh, I can. I just don’t know if the time is right. If it will ever be right.”
Danny nodded. “Yeah. But not saying it doesn’t make it not true. Burying it has a strange way of making it jump out when you least expect it. For example – hard-ons all day long at the Palace.”
“I’m not brave enough to go first.” Steve confided, quietly.
Danny shook his head. “Not a chance I’m buying that. You’re the bravest man I know. You’ll say it. I know that.”
“Tonight?”
“If you want to, you will.”
“Will you?”
Danny paused for a moment; not because he didn’t know how he felt but because he wanted to ensure Steve was focused on him. “Count on it,” Danny finally said. “As I said – I’ve been with you every step of the way so far. I’m not planning on going anywhere else. Everything I want - ” he tapped Steve on the chest lightly – “is right here waiting for me. You know that. And you’re not the only one that wants what you want.”
With a swift move, Steve reached up and pulled Danny down so the Danny was lying partly on him. Danny didn’t mind – in fact, he’d rather been expecting it – and in any case, he liked being in bed with Steve if for no other reason that the fact that their significant difference in height was mitigated when both men were together in bed.
With their faces only inches apart now, Steve spoke softly. “Did you mean it?”
“Yes, Steve,” Danny answered calmly. “Just say the word.”
The evening gloom comes quickly in Hawaii but there was still enough light for Danny to see Steve smile, as a ghost of a whispered phase floated in the air just before he sought out Danny’s lips with his.
PAU