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rain taps the windows of the cafe as the door opens every so often; customers ordering, drinking, and leaving. the leaves resting on the cement outside become soaked and more fall from the rain pulling them. autumn’s crisp air visits the cafe with each customer, the place staying warm for only a few moments at a time.
another fall without him.
it doesn’t surprise me that more people walk in once school hours end. the shop is pretty well known around seoul as the menu doesn’t have much of a limit to it. he actually introduced me here our first year of high school. i take a sip of my earl grey tea and finish my coffee cake. outside, a high schooler says something to his friends and drops down to tie his shoe.
he stands up and rushes to catch up to them, walking into the cafe seconds later. their group adds to the noise already bustling in the evening rush. i overhear one of them talk about visiting a pc room after they order and they’re all in. “i’m sorry. i can’t.” the others pester him as to why and he says, “my brother just got back home and he said he’s cooking tonight. i’ll go tomorrow.”
his friends mutter okays and wave him goodbye as he goes home to his brother. my phone buzzes on the table and i almost feel something. hey, i just came back from uni. do you want to go out for a meal? my treat! i reply with an enthusiastic sure and turn off my phone when he says to meet him outside my complex at 18:00.
after an hour or so, the cafe calms and my sister comes over from behind the counter. “hey,” she smiles lightly. i look to her as she sits in the seat beside me. nothing is said for a few moments until she sighs. “i have a date tonight, so,” she pauses, bites her lip carefully and continues. “i won’t be home until late. you don’t have to stay up.”
i nod and take the last sip of my earl gray tea, taking it to the kitchen behind the counter. she follows me and asks if i’m mad. i shake my head. “why would i be mad?” the kitchen door opens and her coworker kihyun puts his things away as his shift is finished for the day. he leaves us afterwards and we’re in an awkward silence.
“because it’s the fall..” she trails off and i can’t help but make a remark. “it being fall doesn’t mean anything. you find someone when you find them and you don’t let them go until you know. don’t make the same mistake i did.” the air stills and she looks at the floor like it’s the one she’s having a conversation with. i wash the mug and plate and leave them on the rack to dry.
i look at the clock and it strikes a quarter to 18:00. “i have to go. have fun on your date. see you tomorrow,” i say and dry my hands, making my way home to change into something a bit more fitting for the occasion. i turn my phone on right before i walk into my apartment and jisung texts me a second later as i’d timed it. i’m downstairs! :) i reply an okay and slip on a pair of jeans, a white tee, my converse, and his hoodie.
when i reach the front door of the building, i see jisung whistling and looking around. he sees me walk out and waves with a smile. “hey! how’ve you been?” he asks. i tell him the truth: okay. he nods and smiles as if okay was something spectacular to be. i ask him the same and says he finally got his own apartment and he’s going to adopt a puppy soon.
he goes on about his future dog as we make our way to the restaurant. upon entering, the waitress at the front desk asks us how many and jisung answers a table for two. we’re seated after minute and given our menus. “your waiter will be with you soon,” she smiles and walks back to the front.
i take out my phone and turn it off, setting it on the table beside my chopsticks. jisung notices and asks. something clicks and i ask myself like the protagonist in a drama, why’d i turn my phone off? “habit,” i answer simply and he nods, almost taking note of it.
i stand by my action and keep my phone off but still ask myself why i’d turned it off. “felix,” he calls my name softly. i look up from my menu. “what’re you going to get?” he asks, tilting his head to the waiter waiting for me to place my order. “can i get pork belly and stir-fried rice cake,” i order and jisung follows with his and the waiter takes our menus, saying our orders will be up soon.
he looks over at me with a slightly shock and confusion in his eyes. “you like pork belly?” he asks. i nod, asking myself why i ordered pork belly if i was already planning on eating stir-fried rice cake. do i even like pork belly? jisung seems to take note of this too, and he puts it aside bringing up how uni’s going.
“it’s good,” i lie. i haven’t gone to classes since two weeks ago. my professors have emailed me saying if i don’t show up next week, they’ll either drop or fail me for the semester. i can’t tell him, though. he’s the only one treating me like i’m not broken and the moment he hears this i know he’ll try fixing it.
he sighs, dropping his head and says my name as if i’m a child in trouble by his father. “have you even gone to your classes?” he asks, his eyes are now closed. i hum a yes and he looks up, a bit angered. “felix. please,” his expression goes soft. “tell me the truth. how’s uni? how are you?” he breathes carefully as if his breathing will push his questions to push me off the cliff.
suddenly, finally, i feel something.
i don’t know what to say. i want to say that uni sucks; that i’m not doing so well; that it’s getting harder to get out of bed again; that i can’t stop ordering the food he ordered on our dates; that i can’t stop turning off my stupid phone becasue without him i have no one i need to text; that all i can smell is his damn cologne; and that all i want to see his stupid face one last time.
but all i can do, is cry.
i don’t make a sound, and nothing falls, but the tears form heavily. he sees our waiter with the food and asks if we can get it to go. the waiter nods and goes back to place everything in containers. when he comes back with our take-out, jisung pays quickly and we leave.
once we reach my apartment, he starts opening the bags. “do you want to watch a movie?” he asks. i agree and put on howl’s moving castle, hiring the volume enough so we can watch it from the kitchen table.
once the movie finishes, we get up and i start clearing the table and sink for the night. “hey, jisung,” i mumble. he hums softly in response. i put the dishes down and let the water run as i ask, “how’d you get over minho?” i look over and he has his head down, maybe thinking.
he looks up and smiles lightly, “i didn’t. sometimes, you just learn to live with the memories they leave behind. it took me a while to start smiling again,” he pauses and looks down again. “the last year of high school and starting uni weren’t the best. i couldn’t get up; i didn’t want to. all i wore for months was his cardigan he left behind.”
jisung sighs and leans against the couch, still smiling softly. “i’d even check my phone a lot; i thought he’d text me or something. don’t even get me started on the pictures,” he chuckles. i let my head down and think, so, i’m never getting over him ,,? “thing is,” jisung continues. “it doesn’t hurt as much as it used to. i know i didn’t lose him like you lost chan. can’t imagine what it’s like.. i’m sorry.”
i shake my head, “it’s not your fault.”
“it’s not your fault either,” he sighs, standing up. “i should go. it’s getting pretty late. i’ll text you. keep your phone on tomorrow?” i nod with a faint smile and he smiles back, waving and leaving to his place. i’m alone in my apartment for a couple more hours till my sister gets back, so i decide talk as if he’s still here. “hey, chan,” i try to smile.
this is stupid.. but it’s all i have. “i hope you made it to the happy place you always told me about.” tears start bubbling up. “i miss you, a lot. i still wear the hoodie you gave me for my birthday. it’s still really soft,” i chuckle lightly. “i hope you’re not mad that i’m using your cologne on the hoodie.”
there it is: the first tear i’ve let fall since that day.
“i miss you so much, chan. fuck!” i let out, going to the ground. “how can i forget you?! i can’t stop fucking thinking about you!” i try to breathe, and let out one more cry.
“i can’t stop thinking about you..”