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It was the way that the shadows danced across the walls in the early morning light that had helped to ground Pansy. She had watched Neville sleep for a while but that had only made her feel worse. She knew that she was the reason that he was exhausted and although the sex had been amazing, what had come before that had not been. She didn't want to hate herself for being the person that she was but she couldn't help it. She couldn't help thinking that he would be better off without her and she could only wonder why she hadn't done as she had originally planned to and just faded off into the background and left him to live his life in peace.
The way that she shadows danced against the wall reminded her of the way that life never worked out the way that anyone planned, except for maybe her mother. But even then Verbena Parkinson hadn't been smart enough to figure out that her own daughter would outsmart her. She took a slow deep breath as she watched the shadows move across the room before she decided to make herself get up. She didn't think that she could lie there for much longer and let any more of her insecurities rule her life.
Already she could feel her arms starting to itch where she had cut herself before and she knew that if she continued to let her thoughts control her then she would end up spiralling. She didn't want today to suck as much as the middle of the night had; she couldn't do that to Neville.
She didn't know what she could do in his house in the middle of the night though. She couldn't leave his room in case she woke his gran, but she knew that she couldn't lie here any longer. Carefully she untangled herself from Neville's hold and made her way over to his window. The sun was just starting to creep up over the horizon and cast a warm glow on the trees and hedges below. It was beautiful and somehow it managed to calm her.
Her heart had been racing, pounding in her chest until she had moved over to rest her palm against the glass, and now it was finally starting to slow down and let her take a moment to actually take stock of her life. She had two wonderful men who loved her, and she loved them. Theo was becoming her best friend in a way that she never even knew was possible and Neville… She didn't know what she would do without Neville.
Her mind flickered to her other supposed best friend, to the girl she hadn't even heard from since her engagement had been announced and Pansy couldn't help but wonder if that was because Daphne thought that this - any of this - was Pansy's idea or if it was simply because the girl was still traveling and hadn't heard any of the news from back home. Daphne's parents had granted her two years of travel before she was set to marry a man of their choosing and her fate would then be much and such the same as Pansy's. Sealed.
Pansy drew a heart in the condensation on the window and shook her head slightly as she let her mind wander. She wanted to know what her life would have been like if she had gone with Daphne on her travels and whether that would have completely changed her fate - she doubted that she would have ended up finding the balls to confess her feelings for Neville if she had been in a different country to him after all.
She glanced over at his sleeping form now and shook her head fondly. He looked so peaceful lying there and she had to wonder whether he was actually happy, especially considering the situation that she had practically forced him into, but he had yet to complain, so she supposed that was a good sign.
Pansy stood there for a while, turning her attention back to the sunrise until it was firmly above the hedges and nestled in the sky. It was only then that she felt like she could get back into bed with her boyfriend. She curled up against him and let her eyes close.
She supposed that she must have dozed off because the next time that she opened her eyes she found that she was alone in his bed. She frowned a little as she pushed herself into a sitting position and looked around her for any sign of Neville. When she didn't see him she wrapped her arms around herself and swung her legs out of bed.
She swallowed thickly as she debated whether or not she should go and look for him and in the end her growling stomach suggested that she should. She couldn't exactly remember when she had last had something to eat after all she realised that could be one of the reasons that she had been feeling crappy.
Pansy cautiously made her way down the stairs to go and look for Neville all the while hoping that she wouldn't be seen by his gran. She knew that Mrs Longbottom had seen her there before on more than one occasion, but that was before she had attended her engagement party. Neither Pansy nor Neville thought that the woman would be able to understand the arrangement that Pansy had made with Theo.
It seemed that she was in luck today though as she managed to make it all the way to the kitchen where Neville was currently cooking something that made Pansy's mouth water. She could only smile as she realised that there was a chance that she was going to be the only one in their polycul that didn't cook - at least she was going to be looked after.
"Morning." She said softly, pressing a kiss to the side of his neck as she joined him. "I wondered where you had gotten to."
"Morning, Pans. I thought you might sleep for a while longer. I was going to bring you breakfast in bed." Neville said softly as he glanced sideways at her. "Are you okay?"
Pansy knew that he was referring to the way she had been in the middle of the night but other than admitting that she was an absolute mess, she didn't know how to explain that to him, but then she felt like this was something that he already knew. "I'm okay." She said softly. She knew that that wasn't quite the truth, but it was a lot bigger than just her being okay or not okay. "I'm sorry about.." She trailed off gesturing vaguely.
Neville gave a small shake of his head before catching her lips with his. "Nothing to apologise for." He told her firmly before he moved past her to grab plates from the cupboard. "You hungry?"
"A little." She nodded slightly, knowing that generally she didn't eat in the morning but she could see that had already cooked and she didn't want to be rude, especially when he had looked after her so well during the night.
Neville gave a glance as if he knew that she was just pandering to him, but he smiled at her anyway and served up the breakfast, giving himself the bigger portions before they both settled down into their seats at the table. It was all so normal, but that was what made it weird. Pansy wasn't sure if she was going to be able to do this with him once she was married, but she had also been wondering what the future held for them as it was. She and Theo had yet to talk about their living arrangements, though she had a feeling that his plan was for her to move into his father's.
The Nott House was big enough that his father could still live there with him and they could probably go several days without seeing him at all, but unless they told him about their arrangement, she knew that it would be far too risky to have Neville visit, let alone move in with them - which was exactly what she wanted him to do. She also knew that if they did end up all living under the same roof then Neville might not feel entirely comfortable living under the same roof as a Death Eater.
She shook those thoughts from her mind as she ate her breakfast though, deciding that that was something that she could stress about at another time when she wasn't recovering from a breakdown that she'd had in the middle of the night. She was still tired - though wired at the same time, and that didn't at all make a good combination. But she was also content because she was getting to spend the morning with her favourite person in the whole wide world and that was all that mattered to her.