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Tony lay in the bed staring blankly at the ceiling. 6 days. It had been 6 days now. It struck him as strange how it seemed like it was just yesterday, but also years ago. But no, only 6 days since Bruce had died.
It was funny, in that not-funny-at-all kind of way, because out of all of them, Bruce was the one they all saw as invincible. Sure, they all worried about each other, but none of them seriously thought that Bruce would come to any harm. The Other Guy always watched out for him. But in the end, no one is invincible and none of them saw it coming.
Tony glanced towards the bedroom door, knowing that he should get up. Every few hours he went through it again, thinking about moving, knowing that he had responsibilities, but he hadn’t been able to yet. Instead, he just lay there, watching the sun rise and set again. His eyes felt permanently swollen and tender from crying, and his throat was raw.
He knew people were probably worried about him, and if he was a good person he would not make them worry at a time like this, but he couldn’t make himself care. He needed to be alone and no one seemed to understand that. He probably had a hundred missed calls at this point, but he had flung his cell out the window days ago. JARVIS had been given strict instructions not to speak until further notice. Now he was left with silence, free to let the memories of Bruce run through his mind on a continuous loop.
***
Sitting on the couch in the living room, Steve sat with a pillow clutched to his chest, tear leaking from his tightly closed eyes. He still couldn’t believe Bruce was gone. It wasn’t fair. He’d lost so many people in his life; he thought that God couldn’t be so cruel as to take away someone he loved so much again. But he was wrong.
But to make things even worse, Tony had locked himself away and wouldn’t respond to any attempts to contact him. He tried not to take it personally, but it was hard. The three of them had been so in love, the loss of Bruce had ripped the two of them to shreds. And he knew that everyone had to mourn in their own way, but he needed Tony.
At the end of another day of knowing he would never see Bruce’s shy smile again, never hearing him and Tony speaking science over dinner… all he wanted was to fall into Tony’s arms and cry together. To know that no matter how awful it was right now, they’d get through it together. One of them may be gone, but they weren’t alone.
He tried to resent Tony either, but he had been the one to make all the arrangements. To put on a brave face and accept everyone’s condolences. All while he got to hide away and ignore all the unpleasantness that came along with death. Steve shook his head, trying to clear it of such nasty thoughts. He reminded himself that Tony didn’t disappear because of that, but because he was in pain. Pain he didn’t know how to handle. If only he could let Steve help shoulder the burden.
Unable to keep from trying yet again, Steve padded across the carpeted floor to the bedroom. Leaning against the door, he knocked and called out.
“Tony? Tony please?” He grimaced, hating the pleading tone of his voice. But he was just so tired of being alone. He could probably just break the door down if he wanted, and the thought had tempted him many times, but he still struggled with wanting to respect Tony’s needs.
“I can’t do this alone. I need you” he tried again, hating the silence that was all he got back.
He slid down the door until he was sitting on the floor, head resting against the doorjamb.
***
Tony pulled the pillow over his face, trying to drown out the sound of Steve’s voice. The guilt raged inside him, but it still wasn’t enough to pull him from the rumpled sheets and back into the world.
Why couldn’t he just let Steve in? He loved him, there was no question. But the thought of letting him into the room, Tony’s private sanctuary of mourning, just felt wrong. Once he left that room, or let someone else in, it was the first step. The first step to healing, moving on, leaving Bruce behind. And he couldn’t do that. How could they just continue on in their lives without him? Knowing that he was lying in the cold, dank earth while they carried on, loving, laughing, living…
He wasn’t stupid, he knew he couldn’t stay in the room forever.