Chapter Text
"So, Miss Corcoran-" Arachne began.
"Please, call me Rose," I said.
"Let me see if I understand your claims correctly," Arachne said. "You are from another universe, where the story of my life- and the stories of a number of other people I happen to know- are all a single work of fiction that you happen to enjoy."
"That would be correct, yes," I said.
Arachne was an elfish woman with blonde hair and ears that pointed upwards, and gold-rimmed glasses on her nose. We were sitting in her office, which was absolutely awash in all sorts of trinkets, some trash and some treasure, with absolutely no rhyme or reason. Given the elfish predilection for immortality, and the adventurer's predilection for refusing to walk away from a fight without some kind of trophy, prize, or loot, it was only momentarily a surprise that she had a hoarding problem. If it got any worse, she might start growing wings and a tail, and maybe even breathe fire.
"And because of this fiction you've read, you believe yourself to have deep insights into history and the future."
"More or less."
Arachne folded her arms. "Prove it."
"Somewhere around a thousand years ago, after the Convocation of Mount Tira, you and Zanzayed the Blue were accosted by a Salyrite wizard named Laran MacCraigh, who then rediscovered the use of shadow magic to safely wield the Infernal and helped found the Topaz College," I said.
"That's public record," Arachne said. "Ancient history, I'll admit, but still something anyone could look up at the library."
"Not too long after you killed Sorash, the God of Bloodlust and Conquest, a Huntsman of Shaath named Angthinor turned Shaath's divine nature against him to tame the wildgod into a poor man's Sorash, creating the modern tradition of the Huntsmen."
"That's... less public record," Arachne said. "But, any Grove Elder who was paying attention could've told you that."
"You and Sarsamon Tirasian were close friends," I said. "His 'kidnapping' of you was actually a thinly veiled excuse for the two of you to get drunk and cry about lost loves."
"...Alright, I believe you," Arachne said. "The question now is, what do I do with you?"
"Teleport with me to the Temple of Vesk to make me his problem?" I suggested, shrugging.
"He's already passed the buck back to me," Arachne muttered, holding up the note she'd found next to me. 'Oops. Love, Vesk,' it read.
"Uh... teleport with me to Sarasio to find Jenny Everywhere? And then go on a merry little romp through the Golden Sea to the center, where there's a big interdimensional portal that can probably send me home."
"Are you really that homesick, or do you just not like me?" Arachne asked.
"I like you from a distance," I said. "No offense, but you have never sounded like anything less than a tremendous pain in the ass to be around."
"Thank you, I try."
"Also, my only marketable skill is working with a complex technology that doesn't exist in this world," I continued.
"That's the sort of problem a college education can fix."
"No thank you, I'm twenty two years old and I already have one. I don't need another."
"Tell me, what else are you going to do, hm?" Arachne asked, steepling her fingers. "What other options do you have?"
"...Goddamnit."
"I'm glad we could come to an agreement," Arachne said. "Quite frankly, you simply cannot be allowed to wander around unsupervised."
"Why the hell not?"
"Young lady, your combination of being from another world and knowing things about this world that you shouldn't is a dangerous combination that can and will get a lot of people killed if you're allowed to run off to Veilgrad and get the secrets tortured out of you by a vampire."
"Malivette would never do such a thing," I said, affronted.
"And, if you attend the University, I'll be able to get my alchemist to treat your..." Arachne tried and failed to think of a polite way to put it. "Gender problem."
"Only if that means I get a potion that'll make my facial hair fall out and never grow back," I said.
"That and more."
I sighed. "Alright, fine. Lead the way."
As it turned out, I would not be discussing the sensitive subject of my penis with Admestus Rafe, the aforementioned alchemist, and would instead be explaining myself to the university's... I was going to say nurse, because most schools don't have doctors, but also, this is the University of Last Rock, which has an incredibly dangerous student body and also a very powerful and presumably wealthy ancient archmage that could afford an actual doctor if she wanted.
Anyway, I talked it over with Miss Sunrunner, the university's on-site medical professional who was, as far as I could tell, a shaman. She was very polite and professional about the whole thing, and I'm honestly not sure if I would've preferred this or making dick puns with Rafe.
"Is that everything?" Miss Sunrunner asked, looking up from her notepad. I was getting more than just hormones; apparently Rafe was also capable of brewing potions to cure nearsightedness and astigmatism.
"There's the question of whether or not I'm a plague rat full of diseases this world has never seen, and also the question of whether or not this world's diseases, which I've never seen before, are going to kill me in a few days," I said. "I, uh. Have no idea if that's been addressed yet, but-"
"It has," Miss Sunrunner said, nodding. "You arrived unconscious in my infirmary. The first thing I did was a diagnostic spell, followed by purging every bacterium, virus, and fungal spore in the room."
"...You are aware that some of those bacteria and fungi are necessary for human digestion, right?"
"Very," Miss Sunrunner said flatly. On the one hand, fine, questioning her medical knowledge was probably rude. On the other hand, she's an elf, and if I recall correctly, their digestive systems worked entirely differently from humans, and involved magic. "And on that note..." She walked over to the countertop, and picked up a small glass bottle full of a mostly-clear liquid. "Drink this."
She handed me the bottle, and I carefully pried out the black rubber stopper. Trust Admestus Rafe to invent synthetic rubber for his alchemy kit, and then not tell anyone about it. I pushed that thought out of my mind, and drank the potion.
"So," I said after swallowing. "What, uh. What was that?"
"Probiotics," Miss Sunrunner said. "I administered the general inoculation while you were asleep, but I didn't have the probiotics on hand at the time. Any other questions?"
"Uh... None pertaining to medicine, but a few pertaining to magic," I said.
"You may be better off asking Professor Yornhaldt, but go on."
"I've seen a few shaman who could take on an animal form," I said. "A housecat, a panther, a crow... How difficult is such a thing?"
"It would take several years for an absolute beginner to find an animal spirit to make such a bargain with," Miss Sunrunner said. "For elves, twenty years of practice to find such a spirit is simply how things are. For a human... you may consider that an insurmountable obstacle."
"Just about, yes."
"Then I would suggest picking a more attainable goal," Miss Sunrunner said.
"Is it easier or harder to learn general shapeshifting, within human norms?" I asked.
"That depends on what you mean," Miss Sunrunner said. "If you simply want to look different, glamors are quite easy. If you want to actually mold your flesh like clay, your best bet would be to live to one hundred. Or go to hell and become a Succubus."
"Damnit, why can't magic be convenient and easy?"
"I'll be sure to put that in the suggestion box," she said flatly.
"And this is where you'll be staying until classes begin," Arachne said, leading me up to a small-ish tower that looked like it came straight out of a comic book about a wizard, all bent and crooked with a few impossible side-towers jutting out from the middle, as though it were a tree rather than a carefully-arranged pile of rocks. "You'll be rooming alone, due to campus policy, here in The Lookout."
"...Campus policy?" I asked.
"For all that I like to stay on top of the hottest new trends, co-educational dormitories simply are not an option for me," Arachne said. "With all the powerful and influential and young and profoundly irresponsible people I play host to, I simply cannot allow for unexpected pregnancies to happen."
"I won't say I'm happy about the implication that I don't count as a woman, but I do see your logic, and also am not used to sharing a room, so I don't think complaining is going to accomplish much," I said. "...Hey, how far away is the start of the semester?"
"Three months. Summer break just started yesterday."
"Hang on, what the hell am I supposed to do for three months?"
"What am I, your mother?" Arachne asked. "Find some way to entertain yourself."
"Could you at least throw me at Salyrene's Tower?" I asked. "I have a grand total of, like, zero useful skills in this world, and I've been led to believe that you can learn a little bit of every school of magic from the Tower."
"That's..." Arachne trailed off, tapping her chin. "...Actually not a terrible idea. It'll take some doing, though, and I have other work that needs doing."
"Mm, fair."
"Find a way to occupy yourself for an hour or two," Arachne said. "Wait for Admestus to finish your potion."
"I'm still mad that Miss Sunrunner disagreed with my design philosophy," I said.
"...In what regard?"
"Well, since it's Rafe, if I ask for a potion that'll give me boobs, the only question he needs to ask is how big," I began. "And with the expectation that they would have to be adjusted a few times to dial in the optimal size for my preferences, I shared a design mantra for fine-tuning a variable to its ideal point: 'show me too much.'"
"Taowi is a bit of a spoilsport, yes," Arachne agreed, nodding. "But this time, I'm going to have to agree with her. You do not want to walk around with a pair of pumpkins hanging from your neck, even for only a few days to see what it feels like."
"You don't know that for sure," I said, folding my arms.
Arachne rolled her eyes. "Yes, yes, you're very oppressed, receiving some of the best medical care in the world and the personal attention of two powerful elven mages with better things they could be doing."
"I'm glad we see eye to eye on this."
"Now if you'll excuse me, some of us have work to do." Arachne disappeared in... a complete lack of special effects. A sign of great skill, but also very lame and unflashy.
I glanced around at the tower and the barren campus.
"...The hell am I supposed to do for an hour?" I asked the empty air.