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everyone has their fair share of battling their internal demons, itadori yuuji was not an exception. he had his fair share of morally questionable thoughts and some other things he’d rather not say.
ever since enrolling into jujutsu tech, itadori yuuji finds himself quickly meshing into the new world of jujutsu, leaving behind the life as an ordinary high schooler. he had made some awesome friends, gained many new insights and went through many experiences; some of them which was less than pleasant. he’d say that his journey in the world so far was good, if not for one thing.
his not-so-platonic feelings for his classmate, fushiguro megumi.
sighing, he laid on his bed, covering his eyes with his hand at the thought of his current predicament.
now, he isn’t exactly opposed to two people of the same gender making out. but it’s just that, he was raised in an environment where it wasn’t accepted. that was the nicer way of putting it. it was viewed as vile, disgusting, filthy and many more negative connotations. from young, he had been conditioned to view these people as different, see them in a bad light, as repulsive and filthy. younger yuuji didn’t exactly understand what was so wrong with them, but as time went on, he had sealed that thought away and just acted the way people around did; view same-sex relationships as something morally incorrect. he didn’t want to be seen as the odd one out of others so he just followed them.
he wasn’t outspoken about his homophobia, rather he was subtle with it. crinkling his nose in disgust at the sight of two same-sex people kissing, conforming to gender stereotypes rather strictly; forcing himself to be masculine and liking masculine things, ignoring the openly out people around him...etc.
this behaviour had continued on throughout his middle school years, in an incredibly toxic environment where if you’re seen as a misfit, your years in school would be a living hell. gradually, he loosened up once he reached high school, with the atmosphere in the school being more accepting that his previous school. but the homophobia was still evident, it wasn’t like his old school, where derogatory slurs were thrown at gay people, harsh bullying, even teachers joining in. in his new school, there were more accepting people but there’s still the faint uncomfortable tension at the mention of anything inherently related to same-sex attraction, the slight ostracization of people attracted to same-sex, whether exclusive or not.
it got better as he transitioned into the jujutsu world, most people there were accepting of others regardless of gender or sexual identity. it did take yuuji a while to adjust and learn how to accept others instead of hate, but he did and honestly, it just felt like a fresh breath of air as he was free from the negativity of hating on others. he can now say that he is willing to accept people regardless of their preferences.
that is, however far from being completely in the clear. outwardly, he accepts people and supports them with all he has. but internally, he is struggling against the near decade of hate and prejudice he was conditioned into feeling. homophobia has rooted itself so deeply inside of itadori yuuji that he was still reeling from its effects even after conquering it. sometimes, he feels a twinge of disgust looking at same-sex relationships or reminders to himself to never end up like them, then feeling guilty for feeling that way.
it turns into an exhausting and never-ending cycle of internalised homophobia and self-hatred within yuuji and he is tired.
with the realisation that his own feelings towards his fellow raven haired classmates weren’t so platonic, the cycle just picks up at a vicious pace. internally, he was equal parts disgusted with himself and scared of his own feelings. there were many questions circling around him. yuuji knows that megumi is accepting of people, but he’s scared of how their relationship might change if megumi ever knew of yuuji’s feelings. would it be awkward? would they drift? hope not. worst of it all, yuuji doesn’t know if megumi was even into guys.
megumi probably isn’t into guys.
with that, yuuji tosses to the side, facing the windows where moonlight shines inside. nothing was making sense right now. being disgusted with himself for feeling this way, yet when he thinks about how his feeling may not be reciprocated, he could feel his heart sink. he hates it. he hates feeling so conflicting, not knowing how to stave off the internalised homophobia and dealing with his feelings. times like this he wished he had an innate domain like sukuna that he could retreat to anytime he wished to.
speaking of sukuna, thank god that the curse had shut up for once instead of constant complaints and grumbling about being bored. curling up into a ball, yuuji hugged his knees tightly as he feel a lump develop at the back of his throat.
what would his grandfather have said if he saw yuuji in this state. would he look at yuuji like someone who was tainted; filthy? would he use the same accusatory, disgusted tone and declare that yuuji was no grandson of his? his old middle school friends would no doubt probably call him a faggot, a sissy, look at him like he was a piece of scum. there were many more things they would have done to him that they did to others and that was something yuuji was definitely not keen on thinking about in his state of mind right now.
the many now disturbing imagery of him witnessing his friends doing fucked up shit to the people with same-sex attraction runs through his mind.
that would have been me if they had seen me right now.
yuuji didn’t even realise that he had started to tremble. it was just, so fucking scary. it was so hard to learn how to accept and he was happy he did. he wished that when he learned how to accept, he had learned about accepting himself as well. he feels so many different things all at once, shame, guilt, regret, anger and sorrow 𑁋 it’s overwhelming.
the slight sourness in his nose, tears were prickling at yuuji’s eyes and was threatening to spill over. instead of letting it flow, yuuji used his hands to roughly rub away the tears. his old habits and thinking was starting to resurface unconsciously.
don’t cry. you’ll be a sissy if you do. boys don’t cry.
what the fuck is wrong with you? disgusting fucking faggot. slut. manwhore.
suck it up. don’t act all dainty like a damsel in distress. you’re supposed to be the knight in shining armor saving the damsel.
that’s right. he can’t cry. and he tries not to. biting his lips to the point the skin rips and taste of iron lingers on his tongue. pinching at himself, scratching himself, willing himself to not cry. in turn, it only made yuuji tremble even harder from repressing his emotions.
“oi brat. what do you think you’re doing?” it’s the first time that the curse spoke that night. yuuji doesn’t reply, or rather he was too tired to respond to sukuna.
“listen, i don’t know what’s up with you but liking it up your ass or wanting to make out with megumi isn’t that bad, you know?” this particular sentence that sukuna said had yuuji widening his eyes in surprise. he definitely didn’t expect to hear that, much less from the king of curses, the literal embodiment of evil.
“what do you mean that, it’s not so bad?” yuuji finds himself replying hoarsely, with his voice cracking at the end. there was silence for a while before sukuna replies. “it’s just a preference. there isn’t anything wrong with a guy fucking a girl so why is there something wrong with a guy fucking a guy? they’re just as good.”
yuuji was about to retort why it’s bad before he realised. that there isn’t anything wrong.
“see? even you fucking realise that there isn’t anything wrong. so, problem solved. now go to sleep brat, i’m tired.” sukuna snorted.
“wait!” yuuji unknowingly raises his voice.
“but. what would others think…of me? if they ever find out that i might not be straight.” his voice wavered as it gradually became softer towards the end. he was just, so goddamn afraid of being left out, abandoned just because he might potentially be different. his breathing became shallow and quick as his heart pounded, awaiting sukuna’s response.
“brat. no one fucking cares if you like dick or pussy. you said it yourself that most people here are accepting. besides, why do you care about some measly comment from weaklings? want their praise and validation huh?” sukuna’s words strikes a chord within yuuji. he was extremely surprised at just nonchalant sukuna was being about this whole situation about him possibly liking guys. you’d think that being over a thousand years old would make sukuna somewhat narrow-minded but no. he took it pretty well, almost as if he was accepting.
yuuji could hear sukuna drag out a long sigh. “are you fucking stupid? i really couldn’t care less if you or anyone else like dick or pussy. what matters is how strong they can be. hate to admit it you but you have good taste. that megumi brat is not only a pretty and fuckable face, but is also extremely strong and has good potential.”
hearing sukuna not give a shit about his preference was surprising, but having him compliment his taste in guys? that definitely takes the cake. suddenly, he could feel an invisible weight weighing down on him begin to dissipate. the lump in his throat and the tears in his eyes also magically went away. he began to breathe normally again, feeling somewhat relieved by the conversation he and the curse had. yeah he did hear things like this from others as well, but it just hits different especially when he was drowning in the cycle of hatred and negativity.
it was silence after that, a comfortable one. yuuji didn’t know how long it had been, but somewhere during that time, he slowly stretched his legs back out, spread out on his bed freely. he took time to ponder over what the curse had said. it was true that he wanted to feel accepted and validated by people dear to him. but it’s also true that he shouldn’t have to care about someone else’s opinion about him. it still seems daunting to be rejected by some people but slowly, yuuji will figure it out on his own. his mood stabilizes into a calm and content mood, with him coming to be at peace.
funny how in the beginning, when he first ate sukuna’s finger and started cohabiting his body alongside the curse, he had thought of sukuna as a detestable being. he still does think that sukuna’s still a shitty being and whatever acts of evil he has committed can’t be excused. but after this, sukuna’s just a tiny bit more tolerable. thinking back at the crudeness of the words sukuna had said, yuuji manages out a slight chuckle.
it’s been tiring to hate himself and have awful things on loop in his mind 24/7.
but maybe now, he might get to have a break from the vicious cycle he has been ensnared in. he could only hope for better days. as for his feelings 𑁋 yeah. it’s definitely romantic. but he’ll unpack all of that later. right now, he has to try and get over the deeply rooted homophobia within him. it’s going to be tough, going through the process of unlearning hate and learning acceptance again. however, it would be worth it in the end.
with that, yuuji falls into a dreamless sleep, peaceful and light for once.