Work Text:
This story starts in a dimly-lit bedroom decorated in red.
Red toned lights showcasing the room through rose-tinted glasses, rose petals scattered across the carpet in bloody like trails. Such a beautiful, yet suffocating room. Upon entering, Soobin sees the male he has been looking for, creating a dent in the shape of his body in the middle of the bed. His delicate fingers are trailing over the velvet sheets, as he is lost in thoughts until the intruder gently breaks the dull silence.
“Are you supposed to be here?”
The pair of eyes gains back their focus as Beomgyu turns his gaze towards the door. He breaks into a smile that lights up the whole room, making Soobin’s heart thumps in his chest from how much he’s missed it.
It’s not helping that he looks dazzling, clad in his grey suit, ready for the event that is going to place later in the day.
The event. Their big day.
“And you are?”
“Touché,” a smile forms on Soobin’s lips as well, showing off his dimples as he shakes his head. “We should come downstairs soon. They are looking for us.”
“But you found me first,” Beomgyu says.
“As I always do.”
He hovers by the door, expecting the latter to get up and come with him since he’s been spotted. Instead, he chews on his bottom lip, something he always does whenever he is feeling nervous or unsettled.
“There is still some time left before the reception starts. Can you stay here with me, to calm my nerves?”
With a pleading look, Beomgyu beckons the other to come closer, urging him when he traces some hesitation by petting the bed next to him. Soobin sighs, yet he still indulges him in the end, just like how he always does when it comes to Beomgyu. The door is shut behind him as he walks over to join him in the bed.
It feels even more real now, the moment Soobin sits next to him. The bed dips under his weight and he instantly feels the other’s warmth radiates towards him just from his presence. He can also feel the jitter in the air, excitement that comes with an upsetting twist in his stomach. He is tasting Beomgyu’s feelings, so palpable in the air that he can just breathe them in.
“I can’t believe it’s really happening today, the wedding,” Beomgyu says as he lifts a hand to cover the light from his eyes. Even without looking at him, Soobin can hear the smile from his voice.
“Are you that nervous?”
“It’s normal, right? Not like I want to bail or anything.“
He snorts at that, whacking the other on his thigh. “Of course. Your mom would kill you. I would kill you.”
Beomgyu laughs, filling the room with a cheerful voice that momentarily adds a vibrant colour to the monotone shade. It fades back into its previous gloomy silence when the laughter dies down. Only when he reaches for Soobin’s hand to play with his fingers – a subconscious gesture at this point, since Beomgyu sometimes does it without realizing — Soobin can feel just how nervous he is.
He’s been looking forward to this day for months, too, constantly reminding Soobin how many days it is before the long-awaited day (“Do you know what day it is? Exactly a month before the most amazing wedding!”) as if Soobin hasn’t had it ingrained in his own head as well (“Of course I remember, you wrote a huge November 16th on my office desk”). It’s endearing, but also why he finds the change of mood surprising.
Things are going to change today.
“Hyung,” Beomgyu breaks the silence again, dropping his hand to cover his eyes now. “Can you tell me a story?”
“What, me?”
“You’re a writer.”
“A content writer, mind you.”
It only takes an indignant huff and a demanding glare from where Beomgyu’s eyes are peeking from the top of his arm to make the elder give up. He exhales a sigh, taking another moment to think, brainstorming. Beomgyu is almost lulled to sleep by the comforting sound of Soobin’s steady breathing when he speaks again.
“Okay, I’ll tell you the long dream I had the other day. There’s this couple…” he stops for a bit, lips twisting to a side. “The names are irrelevant, so let’s just—“
“Let’s call them Beomgyu and Soobin.”
“Seriously?”
Beomgyu just grins at him, shutting his eyes and waving his hand in dismissal. It gives him no choice than to continue telling the story.
Not like he had any choice at all in the first place.
==
A long time ago, there was a couple.
The beginning of them was nothing beautiful. No tinkling bell in the background nor a swirl of cherry blossoms petals.
Under the heat of summer, their story started with a beautiful melody that was carried by the warm breeze into the hearts of these people. A tall boy stood in the centre of the plaza; paying no attention to the audience he had drawn closer with just his violin. It was as if his whole existence belonged to his music only.
The serenity of that afternoon was interrupted by the tinkling of a bell and a crash. The music stopped as the violinist was sent on the ground. He opened his eyes to a bunch of white poppies shoved onto his face and an ache spread throughout his body.
“I’m sorry!” came a panicked voice. “I lost control of the brake!”
The flowers were removed from his face, only to show him a pair of wide eyes staring at him. Concerns drawn all over the male’s visage, but that didn’t change the fact that he still looked prettier than the flowers.
All his life, Soobin had melodies endlessly playing inside his head. Only at this moment where he looked into the florist’s face that the music ceased, and all the people chattering around them and asking if they were okay suddenly vanished from his sight.
“I’m Soobin,” he said, in daze.
He thought he had imagined a derisive smirk that formed on the other boy’s face, because the next second, he already broke into another blinding smile, fooling him and everyone else in the vicinity. It was later on, as they were out of view from everyone else, that the boy called Beomgyu dropped all his sweet acts.
“You’re a swindler, aren’t you?” he accused right at Soobin’s face, slapping at Soobin’s chest with the ruined flowers. “You think you’re all graceful, playing your music for free, while it actually only served as a distraction for your little lackey to do his thievery.”
The weight of this accusation took him aback for a few seconds, as nobody ever questioned his intention of giving a free show, nor did they ever notice one or two wallets missing from the crowd. If these people had enough free time for leisure in the park, they had to be rich enough to give away their cash to people who needed it better.
Still, this was not the information you wanted to share to someone you just met. Especially not one who was already involved in your daylight daydreams of holding hands and going out on a date upon the first sight.
Naturally, he tried to play it off; a frown formed on his face. “Taehyun is not that tiny.”
“That’s so not the point!”
Beomgyu stomped his feet on the ground, and the sight only made Soobin laugh fondly. Just like that, he decided that he had found someone he wanted to live for.
This was it, their meetcute . The moment where all the stars in the universe aligned and everything made sense again. Soobin would think that he deserved to at least try to get Beomgyu’s heart, if only the boy’s first impression of his was not already so ruined.
Out of all people, it had to be such a pretty guy who discovered that he had been playing his violin at the park just to entrance a crowd large enough that his best friend could have the chance to sneak among them and steal some cash, or watches. Anything that they could use to live day to day. After all, not everyone was lucky enough to have bread served on their table every day.
“You can let them give you money for your music, have you ever thought of that?” Beomgyu said later on, as he squatted down and watched as the latter picked up the flower petals from the ground.
“I might be poor, but begging is out of the question.”
“It’s not begging. Your music has this ability to evoke emotions from people, and they will be happy to pay you for that. I would be happy to,” he said with a sigh, taking the broken flowers from Soobin’s hands and cradling them to his chest. “Just, think of it.”
So he went home to Taehyun, who had been waiting in front of the door with his share of cash. He tucked the money into the front pocket of his hoodie, smiling as it earned him a dumbfounded look from the latter before he told him everything that happened behind the flower shop.
“I didn’t think there would be a day where you’re finally heading to the right side of the society.”
Soobin laughed, shoving him on the side. “It’s about time, don’t you think?”
“About time someone comes along and tries to change you?” Taehyun suggested.
“About time someone comes along and makes me want to try to be someone deserving of his love.”
Even after he stopped deceiving people with his music and earned some money on his violin bag, Soobin still thought that he wasn’t a decent guy. At least not good enough to be with Beomgyu.
Beomgyu who lived in a flower shop and dreamed of making this town full of flowers, a prettier place to live in. Beomgyu who eventually looked at Soobin with a pair of gentle eyes despite knowing the deception behind Soobin’s proper look. Beomgyu who sometimes fell asleep at the front desk of the shop with flower petals on his hair and Soobin’s name on his lips.
They could have been a perfect couple, if only Soobin wasn’t a damaged goods.
Still, to everyone else, they were perfect.
They love each other and the whole town loved them, because Soobin played beautiful music and Beomgyu had the personality that gained love from every single soul who laid their eyes on him. It was just right that they had their happy ending; one that brought joy to not only the two, but also everyone else.
But just like every case of happy ending, it does not end there. What everyone refuses to see was the things that followed the certain ending, and the happier it was, the bigger the cost they had to pay.
“Don’t you think it’s humanly impossible for someone to be this happy? It feels like something would go wrong anytime soon,” Beomgyu said, fingers tracing along the shiny surface of the music instrument Soobin carried everywhere. It had become a newly adopted habit for him to put tiny flowers on top of the strings, a small gift to make Soobin’s days better when he picked up his violin to perform every morning.
“People always say that good things come to good people,” Soobin said, amused at the topic brought up.
“You’re not a good person.”
“I must be good enough in the gods’ eyes for you to come into my life.”
Beomgyu pondered for a moment, “maybe I’m actually just as bad. Maybe I’m sent by the gods to make your life a living Tartarus.”
Upon hearing no answer, he turned his head, only to catch Soobin staring at him with the fondest smile that made his heart ache with love. “Even if something goes wrong, it would be perfect if we’re getting through it together.”
“Forever?” Beomgyu suggested, tearing his attention away from the flowers and violin to press a kiss to Soobin’s smile.
“Forever.”
For Beomgyu and Soobin, it was a short Forever.
Because not long after they were tied under the wedding vow, Beomgyu was taken away forcibly from Soobin’s life. There was no warning. Nothing was off that day when he brought his music with him to the city, and nothing could prepare him to face Taehyun who came up to him and interrupted his music with a death sentence.
Soobin was as good as dead the moment he heard the news.
“Beomgyu, he…” the younger male was gasping for breath, eyes red from rubbing away tears from his eyes. “Your dad—he’s still alive. He found your house and he—Beomgyu was…”
Did he hear the story of how Soobin tried to kill his father just so he could get out of that house? Or the part where he failed and left him to die a slow death? Looking at Taehyun’s face, it was worse.
“He’s ill, hyung. You need to come home right now,” Taehyun settled for that.
But he was not ill. Taehyun knew it all along. It was just an act of kindness, to keep whatever gleam of life left in Soobin’s eyes for a little longer, because it was killed off the second he entered their house and knew that Beomgyu was not with them anymore.
Some people speculated that it happened from a snake bite, while some others said it was the madman who ended his life. It didn’t matter for Soobin other than the fact that it was so unfair. The gods were so unfair.
Others prayed for riches and eternal lives, or maybe a lot of wives; which were granted by the oh-so-generous gods. Soobin only ever wanted to spend the rest of his life with the one person he ever loved more than music and that apparently was too much to ask.
He confronted them. Particularly, the Death itself.
“His time has expired, and you have the audacity to plead for his life back?” Death’s voice didn’t boom in the vast dark room of the underworld where you can sense nothing but despair and nothingness, it seeped into his ears, settled down in his chest in a wave of fears that should make him crumble like a sandcastle.
“I will do anything so that you return him. I will play and sing for eternity if I have to, just as long as I can be with him for a little longer.”
Because their love was a fairy tale, and in fairy tales, love conquers all. So, Soobin did what he did best. He played his music for them, making them feel his pain in every melancholic note produced by the strings. The pain of losing a loved one and the hope of getting him back.. He left his imprint on the darkness with the glow of his hope, only to vanquish it back with waves of despair that came from within him.
After what felt like a century of playing. Sore fingers weakly dancing on the strings and his breath shortened with the slowly decreasing resolutions, Death gave in to his pleas.
“You will get him back, with two conditions,” he said, and Soobin’s knees buckled beneath his weight as relief and hope filled every inch of his body. “You have to play your music on your way back to earth to guide your lover’s soul to follow you, and then you can never play anymore.”
His music was going to be taken away from his. His whole identity. The thing that flowed inside every cell in his body. He would have to drain it all off in exchange for getting his lover back.
“And second, you’re not allowed to turn around until you reach the upper world.”
It was the price that he had to pay. Nothing would be too expensive for Beomgyu. After all, his music had lost its meaning after he learnt the reality of losing. All the sad songs could never compare to actually losing the love of his life.
Nothing would ever prepare you for losing someone you have promised your forever to.
“I accept.”
It was just obvious that he would agree.
And it was just as obvious that he was bound to fail.
The whole scheme was a set up for him to learn his lesson that no humans could ever cheat death or gods. All humans could do was to accept whatever fates were given to them, and Soobin was the only one who was stupidly brave enough to plead for it. Every step that he took was slowly filled with doubts instead of the blooming joy he originally had. The music he played started to become distorted, losing its beauty as he started to lose his trust, thinking that Beomgyu wasn’t really following his tune.
But he was there, the moment Soobin turned his head.
“Beomgyu,” he choked out, but his voice is scratchy, unlike his usual smooth honey-like voice that’s filled with love every time he called out the name. It was a part of his music, and now he was not even allowed to call out his lover’s name.
You’re not allowed to turn around until you reach the upper world. The deep voice echoed in the back of his mind.
They both know what was waiting for them.
Despair filled him when he spotted the fear in Beomgyu’s face, his eyes filled with unshed tears. That tense moment was broken as a droplet of tear fell off a corner of his eyes, down to the soil, which broke into millions of shadows.
Beomgyu looked as beautiful as ever, even as he was being engulfed by the shadow all over him. The black veils slithered around his lover’s body, engulfing him in a black mist before any word could slip past his lips, and then he was taken away.
But not before his lips forming the word Why? That one syllable that made Soobin question all his convictions. Why are you trying to bring me back? Why won’t you let me go? Why did you turn around? Why didn’t you trust me? Why…
Why did you kill me?
A scream ripped past Soobin’s throat as he tried to yell out Beomgyu’s name, only for it to choke him, making him claw at his own neck in desperation to breathe. He was blinded by tears and suffocated by his own anger. It was the emptiest kind of anger that makes you beg to be filled with anything. Anything other than the pain and regrets, because he couldn’t go on like this.
Just like that, he lost everything he had ever lived for.
==
(“Hold on—isn’t this the Greek myth?” Beomgyu said once Soobin paused long enough to mark the end of his story.
“It might be…”
“Your dream is so not original, hyung. Pick something else!”
“It’s not my fault that I dreamed it!” Soobin argued back, throwing a look to the other for the first time since he started telling the story, only to find Beomgyu looking back at him with a playful grin, already curled up on his side and making himself comfortable on the wedding bed.
“What happened to them in the end, though?”
“Well, Beomgyu was dragged back to the underworld where he belongs. Meanwhile, the gods punished Soobin for trying to defy the rule of nature.”
At this, he gains an impassive stare from the latter. “This makes me more nervous than I already was.”
“Fine, fine! I’ll tell you another story.”
“One of your dreams again? You have the best dreams,” Beomgyu perks up.
“Yes… so there’s this man who is very much in love.”
“Another Soobin?”
Soobin snorted at that, shaking his head. “Wrong, this time let’s start with Beomgyu first. He… )
==
He was a member of a newly debuted boy group, along with four other boys.
Tomorrow by Together, they called themselves.
( “But why?” Beomgyu interrupts with a displeased scrunch of his nose, shutting up and making a zipping movement across his lips when Soobin glares at him. )
All his life, he only wanted to make music. He started in a high school band, strumming his guitar to mellow music, and then he shifted into a whole package when he travelled all the way to Seoul to debut. Soon, his life was occupied with singing and dancing lessons, which became his purposes, until another boy came into the scene with his extended hand and a gentle smile on his lips. He changed everything.
He was Choi Soobin. The boy who was barely a few months older than he was, yet had to bear the burden of the responsibility to lead this group.
Something happened between them that very second, one akin to a tiny spark described in romantic comedies. For Beomgyu, it was more of a ‘ where have you been all my life ?’ moment when he looked into Soobin’s eyes for the first time, that day Soobin approached the quiet boy at the corner of the dance practice room. But it was not until years later, when they finally debuted, that something actually happened.
They were bickering again that day, just like how it always happened at least once a week. This time, it dragged on for a little longer, to the point that they didn’t even remember about the initial problem since they kept bringing up past ones. It was upsetting for the other members, and Soobin, being the more cool-headed one between the two, cornered Beomgyu that night to sort it out.
“You have a problem with how I lead the group, is that it, Beomgyu-ah?” Soobin asked as they sat on the floor of their small living room slash walk-in closet.
There was a tiny cracking sound as Beomgyu broke a cube of ice with his teeth, looking irritated. “When did I ever say that?”
“You implied it!”
“Well maybe if you actually paid attention to what I said instead of looking at me like you want to kiss me, you’d understand my point better.”
It took one, two, three seconds for Soobin to register just what the other was saying. His brain malfunctioned for a moment, making him sit there and staring at his younger group mate in daze.
“I did what?” that was the only thing he managed to say.
Beomgyu rolled his eyes. “I’ve just been waiting for you to realize that you’re into me, hyung.”
“Beomgyu, I—“
“And I feel the same way,” he interrupted before Soobin could think of an excuse, breaking the last bit of ice in his mouth before he set his cup of drink aside and crawled over to his leader. “So, I’m not judging you for looking at me in that way. Because that’s what I’ve been doing too.
Their first kiss happened in their dimly-lit living room. Beomgyu’s lips were cold, but that did not deter Soobin from grabbing onto the front of his shirt to keep him pulling away. The coldness turned into a warmth that settled inside his abdomen, developing into a twist that he experienced every time Beomgyu smiled at him later on.
But they were young. When you were young and in love, nothing else mattered.
Sure, they still loved to sing and perform more than anything else, but the little moments they snuck in between their packed schedules were the highlight of that year. The stolen kisses, hushed inside jokes, and locked hands under the table. The secret dates with half their faces covered and only their eyes shone with excitement. The whispered promises for what they could be in the future.
It was perfect, until it was not.
The short moment of perfection was interrupted by a ripple shaking their calm water. It came in the form of printed emails sent by some paparazzi, containing some censored pictures that might have been indiscernible for Soobin if it wasn’t for the fact that it was him. Him and Beomgyu.
The pictures were taken on one of their midnight dates. It would be amazing if anyone could identify their faces from these pictures alone, but they couldn’t risk it. Not when they were still rookies, scrutinized by too many pairs of eyes waiting for their downfall.
And his manager, this was the most disappointed he’d ever seen the older male looked when it came to the group.
“We don’t have any dating restrictions, but we just wished you two would be more careful when it comes to this kind of thing. You know what dating scandals have done to even bigger artists,” the hyung said, rubbing his forehead as if he had gone through a few hours of stress dealing with this problem. “It’s our luck that they sent these pictures to us, first.”
At this point, Soobin could only stay silent while listening to the lecture. His eyes were fixed on his shoes, but he was not just listening to what the manager had to say. It was the unsaid words that hit him the hardest, made clear by the fact that only Soobin was summoned in this meeting room.
“You’re a leader, is this how you lead your member?” “I expected more from you.” “I thought you’d be the most responsible one.”
They dug deep into his head, making themselves at home there, that he couldn’t think of anything else even as he was let go from the room. He was still beating himself up even when he came back to the dorm, smiling and playing around with the other members who were clueless about how he almost ruined their group.
The group that Yeonjun had worked so hard on for years. The group that Taehyun had placed his bet on, amongst the other companies’ offers. The group that Hueningkai had bet his childhood on.
What was he thinking?
That same night, in the very same living room that held the memories of their first kiss, Soobin broke the news to Beomgyu. In retrospect, he probably could’ve been nicer about it rather than just go straight to the point with his “They know about us, I think we should end this. What we’ve been doing,” that made Beomgyu’s lovestruck smile fade slowly.
He tried to explain slowly on what happened, but Beomgyu’s frown still stayed.
“They already worked it out, right? Why do we have to break up? We just have to be more careful, right?” each question came with a tug on Soobin’s sleeve, one that got weaker at the end as well as Beomgyu’s voice quietened down, slowly losing its confidence.
Once again, the unsaid words were the ones tugging Soobin’s heart. Each word from please don’t give up on me etched in the depth of Beomgyu’s eyes, crushing the last intact part of his heart after the impact of the blow.
“It’s really hard, Beomgyu-ah. We’ve been side-tracked from our goal and the group. This can’t continue.”
It might be the realization, or the finality in Soobin’s voice that made Beomgyu give up in the end. His eyes were casted on the floor as he bit on his lower lip until it bled. As much as it pained Soobin to see this, he couldn’t back down and fucked up again.
At least not now. Once they are past the first few years, the company and the media would be more lenient on them, and they could finally be free to do anything.
“I still really like you a lot, that doesn’t change even if we can’t date anymore,” Soobin said, reaching out to take the younger’s hand.
Beomgyu’s eyes were alarmingly wet, and Soobin had to resist himself from pulling him into his arms and kissing him. In the end, Beomgyu was the one who crawled closer and hugged him, burying his face into Soobin’s neck.
“It’s unfair.”
“It breaks my heart too,” Soobin sighed, wrapping his arms around the younger to hold him close for the last time. “Now. Someday later. It won’t make a difference, I still want to be with you.”
The answer was Beomgyu’s feeble nod. A silent promise for what they could be in the future.
But the waiting was too long, and there was no certain timeline. No written agreement on when they could be free from this rookie title that dangerously loomed over them.
Their relationship naturally went back into their previous dynamic, and it was easy because they were best friends before anything else. There was not a day that Soobin didn’t look at Beomgyu with longing, only to remind himself that it’d be worth it in the end. That they could go back to what they had when the time came.
He was proven wrong that day Beomgyu broke the news to him. It was not in the same living room anymore, because they had moved out to a bigger dorm, and they had their own room now.
It wasn’t like they never spent time alone, just the two of them. When something important was about to be said, sitting on the tip of one’s tongue; there was just an unexplainable tension palpable in the air. Speaking to your best friend never felt so difficult until you were about to confess your feelings
or break up with them.
“Remember how we didn’t have a table or sofa in our old dorm. We’ve grown so much,” Beomgyu said, planting himself on the said sofa.
“There was no space for them because of the many clothes we had displayed.”
Soobin just smiled at the memory, following into the place and not thinking much about the conversation until he saw Beomgyu looking up at him expectantly. Still with the same twinkle of stars in the depth of his eyes that Soobin fell for that first time he saw him. The day he first saw Beomgyu in that dance practice room and gathered his courage to talk to him.
He halted his step towards their bedroom, deciding to take the silent invitation and sit down on the floor across from the other male. The smile he earned from the younger filled his chest with an ache of longing.
“Do you ever miss it, hyung?” he asked.
What was it ? Their old dorm? Their rookie days? Their relationship?
“Maybe. I like where we live right now, though.”
Unlike how Beomgyu would usually have 101 things to say to keep a conversation about a topic, he let it die this time. The room was soon engulfed by silence. One so deafening that they could hear the sound of their own hearts beating inside their chests.
When the silence was broken, it was loud. A cacophony of their voices crashing as the words slipped past their lips at the same time.
“I miss you.”
“I’m dating Yeonjun hyung.”
Oh.
Both of them stared at each other with their eyes wide, and Soobin wished he hadn’t said it, wished that Beomgyu hadn’t heard him.
“Do you… are you still…” the younger was grasping for words, biting down on his bottom lip in the end as he couldn’t seem to find the right words. It always frustrated him greatly when that happened. Soobin wanted nothing more than to reach out and coax him to stop biting, or kiss the pain away from his lips.
But it was not his place to do that anymore. Not since they broke up.
Not since he gave up on them first.
“No,” he said with a smile that felt painful on his lips. “I wanted to say that I miss hanging out with you, but I’m grateful that you trust me enough to tell me.”
“Yeah, I just figured that you have the right to know…” that I’ve stopped waiting. That I’ve given up on us as well. Beomgyu smiled at him, and it only felt real now that Soobin found no trace of longing left in the younger’s eyes. Just relief, probably because he took the news well.
He might have imagined that this day might come, but nothing could ever prepare him from seeing Beomgyu’s eyes staring into his own, devoid of the affection and love that he’d gotten too used to.
“As your leader, right?” he smiled.
“Yes, as my leader.”
It’s good that Beomgyu couldn’t see past his façade.
He couldn’t say that he didn’t say it coming. Yeonjun was a risk taker, and Beomgyu was not keen on waiting. Each day of waiting hurt for him that he found comfort in someone else, and as much as Soobin wanted to be hurt, or to be angry at the two, he couldn’t. Not when Yeonjun was the reason for Beomgyu's laughter and happiness.
Everything that Soobin couldn’t be.
Even long after that, Soobin sometimes still wondered if it was his fault for being a coward and putting the group above Beomgyu. Or it’s just that they fell in love at the wrong timing and it became their doom.
Or perhaps, they just weren’t meant to be.
===
(“So you’re telling me that if Beomgyu waited for a little longer, they could be together?” Beomgyu says after a moment of prolonged silence after the story ended abruptly. His brows are furrowed and his lips pursed into a displeased pout. “Why is he so impatient?”
“They fell in love at the wrong time, that everything else started to become wrong too, including the person they fell in love with.”
Beomgyu gasps, throwing a scandalized look at the other.
“I may start losing my faith in true love if you keep this going.”
“Please don’t, I still need you to go up the aisle” Soobin laughs.
“Okay, please tell me one more story, but this time start with you being in love.”
The demand had Soobin thinking for a minute before he sighed, lips parting as the story started piecing up into words. “I have this one that might fit into your liking. You want Soobin to be in love first, right? Soobin’s love was marked by…”)
==
Soobin’s love was marked by a taste of terror on his tongue and a pointy edge of a sword held towards his throat.
The sound of war still echoed in his ears even now at the stagnant phase where the two parties had lost too much of their troops and had to retreat. The cries of mixed ambitions and fears, the sounds of swords clashing, the sounds of people’s cries when they went down – drowning every other sound including the sound of your own conscience.
Soobin was trained to kill and die for his country. His family never took him as one to survive in a war zone, sending him off with a lot of tears knowing that he’d die. He wished he had died instead of surviving and seeing the people he walked to that war zone lying down on the blood stained ground, lifeless, while he himself walked out of it with just a few scratches. The kind of luck he wasn’t grateful to have.
But he knew that he wasn’t going to get the same luck when they were sent out for the second wave of the war. Naturally, he didn’t go back to the base camp with his team.
He became a traitor.
Only one certain ending was waiting for his kind, and it came for him in the form of the commanding officer going for his head the moment he made a run into the forest that separated the nation from another. Just a few meters away from the border and he would’ve escaped from this kind life he never wanted to be in. But Choi Beomgyu was too good. After all, he was raised as the youngest prince who had to prove himself to the king that he deserved the throne.
Nothing was more dangerous than someone who had so much to gain and nothing to lose.
“Choi Soobin, do you realize that you are committing an act of treason?” his voice boomed in the silence of the forest. The grip on his sword was firm and steady, as unforgiving as his unshaken eyes.
He gritted his teeth, trying to find an excuse to get out of it, or a way. He had a dagger strapped to his belt, but there were two other soldiers with the prince, and even the prince himself would be able to strike him down with a slash of his sword. There was no way out of this other than to go back with them. Or die.
Once you became a soldier and went out to the war, the only outcome was to die in the battle or to go back to the basecamp to die another day. Your life was no longer yours the moment you signed up for it.
“I fought for the country. I killed people,” he said, his voice quivering despite his firm stare at the prince. “If wanting to live is so much of a sin, then all of us have betrayed the country in one way or another.”
A derisive smile tugged his lips, remembering the night before the night of the attack where Beomgyu had broken down in his arms. Beomgyu had let him see the most vulnerable side of him countless times, that he couldn’t look at this side of him the same way anymore.
After all, those lips spewing threatening words were also the lips that kissed him that night. Those were also the lips that begged him to stay until he fell asleep in his bed, where they were found in the morning in each other’s embraces.
So it was not his fault, that he sneered in return to the threatening stance.
“Including you, my prince.”
A flash of anger crossed Beomgyu’s eyes, and Soobin knew that he had gotten too bold with his words. Could see it in the way the other two soldiers unsheathed their swords as well. He shut his eyes when Beomgyu withdrew his sword, ready to take a swing at him.
And then a shrill cry came from behind him. One so soft that it could be mistaken as a mere sound of the wind, if only it wasn’t followed by soft sobs. “No! Please… don’t kill him.”
When Soobin opened his eyes again, something shook in Beomgyu’s eyes as Yujin peeked from behind him, staring up at the prince through her tear-filled eyes. He tried to get the little girl back behind him, shielding her from the eyes of these trained killers.
“It’s okay, Yujin-ah… Everything will be okay,” Soobin whispered, though he himself wasn’t so sure. He knew that only Yujin and Beomgyu could hear what he said, and the prince was his only hope.
If this was the Beomgyu who he had spent his first few nights as a soldier training together to swing the swords and cried at the thought of killing people. If this was the Beomgyu who had broken down in secret under the pressure from his father who could only shout commands to kill kill and kill and let Soobin hug him while the moon was watching them pitifully.
If this was the Beomgyu he had fallen in love with; then he still had a speck of hope.
It happened so quickly. The sword struck before he could bat his eyelashes. The only thing he knew was protecting Yujin’s small figure with his whole body, but the pain never came.
The pain only stayed in Beomgyu’s eyes as he stared down at him. His sword was dripping with blood, but not his. The clueless soldiers had to die just because they happened to be there with them.
Beomgyu had made himself a traitor.
“Just go. Please ,” his voice was shaky, and he flinched when Soobin walked towards him, thrusting his sword at him while his eyes were filled with angry tears. “Next time I find you, you won’t be so lucky, traitor.”
He would’ve stayed there, comforting Beomgyu who looked like he was on the verge of succumbing into another breakdown and maybe coaxing him to join them in the run, if only it was not for the silent sobs coming from behind him. His priority was taking his little sister across the border, to the safety of his other family, where she could live without the sound of war cries haunting her dreams.
So he tore his gaze away from the prince, taking Yujin in his arms before he made a run towards the outskirts of the woods, not sparing any look towards the lifeless bodies on the ground or the prince who had betrayed his own country for a traitor.
He found his way back into the country a few nights later.
(“BUT WHY?” Beomgyu exclaims, shaking Soobin by the front of his suit only to get his hand swatted away, leaving him sulking on the edge of the bed, anticipating the rest of the story.
“Be good.”)
There was even more tension in the air since they were expecting another attack anytime soon. Both sides of the war were building up their troops, and Soobin knew that there was no way his country’s side would come out as the survivor this time. They were a small country, and some of their strongest men were already eradicated in the previous battles.
Beomgyu was freaking out for another reason when he spotted Soobin entering the pub.
It was dark and gloomy and everyone was too drunk to pay attention to an insignificant presence like Soobin’s, but Beomgyu did. He always did. Even among the many people in the front line as they battled, he always noticed Soobin.
“You’re crazy. I killed those innocent soldiers so you could escape, and you came back?” Beomgyu was fuming when he dragged Soobin out from the place. The land behind the building was empty and dark, but it was loud with the sound of Beomgyu’s anger hitting him before his words did. “For what? You idiot!”
“I’m coming back for you!” he shouted back.
For the first time since that day they met, Soobin raised his voice at his prince. But their titles did not matter anymore, not if he could lose Beomgyu.
“What?”
“Run away with me,” he blurted out, ignoring the way Beomgyu’s confused gaze turns into something darker. His jaw set firmly as he gritted his teeth.
“You know I can’t do that, Soobin-ah.”
“ Please , run away with me,” Soobin said, sounding more desperate than when he was caught sneaking out from the country. “There’s no hope if you go to that battle, Beomgyu-ah. They have too many people… no one is going to be so lucky anymore.”
“So you’re not here to join me in the war,” Beomgyu smiled bitterly.
It hurt. Soobin knew that their lives were centered around the war, and that whatever spark they had in between them was because they met at the basecamp. He knew that Beomgyu was the happiest when they were training together and the first spark between them bloomed that day Soobin managed to strike the sword out of his hand. But to think that they couldn’t be more than that…
To think that they couldn’t be something when they were not at the battle zone and fighting for their lives.
It hurt to think that there was no possibility of a Soobin and Beomgyu without bloodshed and swords.
“You won’t live for me?” Soobin heaved a bitter laugh. His words were more of a realization than a question. “You kissed me, held me in your arms, told me you loved me and that we could be something more. But you won’t live for me.”
“Soobin-ah… hyung-nim , it’s not that easy for me. You know my whole life… it’s all just leading to this.”
“You can be more than this, Beomgyu-ah. We can be something more. More than just a couple of replaceable chess pieces for the war-crazed emperors.”
They’ve had this conversation before. Each time they just led into a dead end, and eventually the topic became something both of them avoided completely. Those times, they hadn’t felt the horror of the war firsthand. Now that Soobin had tasted how it was to be so close to Death, he had a lot to lose. Mainly Beomgyu.
He just hoped that he had given the prince something to lose, too.
“I will live!” Beomgyu said in the end, fingers clutching onto the back of Soobin’s shirt the moment he was about to walk away. His voice quivered, torn at the edges, as if he was going to crumble if Soobin took another step away. “I will come back for you. After this battle, everything will go back to normal, and I will pick you up from your new place.”
“Did you even listen to me—“
“Just trust me!” he shouted in despair, tugging onto Soobin’s shirt now, with his head hung low. This was the side of Beomgyu he had never shown to anyone else. The vulnerable prince hidden behind the strong and arrogant façade. This was the Beomgyu who was in love. “We have a plan, okay? A strategy. We will win no matter how many soldiers they are sending to the battle. I promise that I will come back for you.”
Soobin had no other way than to accept it. Otherwise, Beomgyu would be broken before the war could even take his life. All the complaints died down from his mouth the moment the prince kissed him, tender and desperate.
It was a kiss that left lingering aftertaste of a last kiss, but Soobin shook the thought away from his head, because Beomgyu was smiling at him when they parted, squeezing his hand.
“When the war ended, wait for me at that border we parted last time. I promise to pick you up there.”
Promises are beautiful. They gave hopes and reliefs for people who needed it, and a reason to fight for the people who made it. All the soldiers who were preparing for the battle made promises for the people they left behind, and only a few got to keep those promises.
Beomgyu was not one of them.
The first day after the news about the end of the war, Soobin waited at the edge of the woods. His hands were clutching on a bunch of red roses. He kept his eyes sharp for any sign of the prince walking out from that small path and smiling smugly when he spotted Soobin, eyes gleaming with a victorious I told you so! and Soobin wouldn’t even mind. As long as he could see Beomgyu again.
He came back to the same spot every single day until all the roses withered, leaving only thorns that cut into his palms. Still, he waited.
But he knew that his former nation was defeated in the war. He knew that nobody survived, and even the emperor himself was assassinated. He knew that almost no one survived that bloodbath, and even if someone did, it wouldn’t be the first commander of the front line. It was the scintilla of hope he clung onto, that kept him from giving everything up.
Beomgyu never turned up, even until the last of his red roses withered, and eventually the whole bushes of it. He never showed up even after the flowers were switched with white poppies, and Soobin was a traitor once again for giving up on his prince.
Beomgyu had lied about the plan and his promise. And for that, Soobin had to pay the price.
Because death is horrendous, but there was nothing more painful than being the one left behind.
==
(Silence engulfs the room for a little longer after the end of the story, and when Soobin turned his gaze to look at the other, he almost jumped a few feet above the bed when he spotted tears on the corner of Beomgyu’s eyes.
He curses under his breath, cupping Beomgyu’s cheeks before catching the unshed droplets of tears with his thumbs. “Yah, are you going to show up with swollen eyes?”
“It’s your fault!” he sniffles, batting Soobin’s hand away before glaring at the elder. “I didn’t sign up for this.”
“You wanted to hear about my dreams, knowing full well that I have more nightmares than anyone you know.”
Beomgyu rolls his eyes, but can’t muster an argument. He sniffles once more instead, peering at the clock on the wall before he shifts his gaze back at the latter.
“We have enough time for one more story.”
“You still want more after all that?”
“My mom didn’t raise a weakling,” he said, earning a soft laughter from the elder. “And I want to hear one with a happy ending.”
Soobin grows quiet for a bit, weighing his options. “I might have to change some events from the dream, though.”
“As long as it has a happy ending, it’s okay.”
Soobin exhales a deep sigh, piecing up the fragments of a last dream he could remember under Beomgyu’s expectant gaze. “Okay, this time, let’s start with…)
==
The story started a while back this time.
They were seven years old when they first met. Bright, innocent eyes staring at the cloudless sky waiting for the day they became adults to conquer the world.
And kids, kids cry all the time. While Beomgyu cried from falling down countless times and getting into petty fights that earned him a lecturing session from the teachers, Soobin cried in hidden, darker places.
His dad would drop him off at the elementary school and he would hide somewhere just so he wouldn’t have to come into the class where his friends and teacher could question his untidy uniform and overall dishevelled appearance. It wasn’t like his dad was a bad father, he was exhausted and devastated from the divorce, and the last thing Soobin wanted was to be more of a burden to him.
Beomgyu found him one eventful day, after he accidentally broke the class’ potted plant and decided to hide before his homeroom teacher came and shouted at him. He almost bumped against the kid curled under the staircase, almost screaming and busting his own hiding place, only to shut himself up when he realized that Soobin was not the ghost he thought he was.
“You’re my classmate, right?” Beomgyu said, being the talkative kid he was, casually seating himself next to the quiet kid who flinched at the bump of his elbow on his side. “Teacher’s worried about you, you know? Not like I care about her.”
Soobin didn’t answer. His gaze was fixed on the various band-aids covering the expanse of Beomgyu’s legs and arms. When the boy spotted where he looked, he perked up, a toothy grin on his face as he showed a brand new bandaid plastered over his elbow.
“I’m learning how to ride a bike. This is an honorary wound!”
That earned him a confused look. “How could you get hurt and still smile like that?”
The question was never asked to him before, nor did he ever think about it himself. His lips pursed as he thought about it, fingers fiddling with an edge of a worn-out bandaid on his knee.
“I guess that’s because I know the pain never lasts for a long time? I cried when it hurt, but why do I have to stay sad when the cut is not even visible anymore?”
Soobin looked at him with his wide, round eyes. They were filled with wonder at how positive the kid could be. It just made him sad, that he didn’t have the positivity in his own self, so he drew his knees to his chest, hugging them tightly.
“I wonder if you can put bandaids when the wound is not visible…”
At that time, the way Soobin spoke was too confusing for Beomgyu to understand, so he did what he did best: not thinking. He took out his collection of bandaids, frowning as he picked one. “This is my favourite so you should feel better instantly…”
“W-what?”
“There you go.”
The tap on his forehead made Soobin flinch, before registering that something was stuck on his forehead. He reached out, feeling the familiar texture of bandaid plastered right in the middle of his forehead. When he looked back at the other, Beomgyu was smiling brightly, innocently.
It was the first time that Soobin forgot about his pain. He thought that the band-aid had really worked instead of the smile.
Beomgyu wouldn’t leave him alone after that first encounter. He dragged Soobin along on his little mischievous endeavours, getting him in trouble before the teachers and scoring them countless sessions of standing in the hallway. Even after school, Beomgyu would drag him to play at his home, would never let him alone with his thoughts anymore, and always shared his band-aid whenever Soobin would cry from loneliness again.
It was the highlight of his childhood, but he was a kid, and he picked his parents over anything. So when his mom asked him to come live with her in another city, he didn’t think twice.
“So you’re going to leave,” Beomgyu said, not the best at hiding his emotions that they were shown all over his face. “We’re never going to see each other anymore.”
That was the moment Soobin realized. “We will, though! We can exchange letters… or phone calls? I will make sure that you won’t ever forget me.”
Beomgyu had stopped crying ever since he set his mind up to be the strong one between the two, and he didn’t even cry during the last five times he got scolded by his teacher. But at that moment, he broke into tears. Full-on sobbing as he thrusted his collections of band-aids into Soobin’s hand.
“Promise to use this when you get hurt again? And to call me a lot?”
“Promise.”
They linked their little pinky fingers right there, in front of their classroom on the last day of Soobin’s stay at the school. They parted with bright smiles on their lips, before Beomgyu’s smile faded when he watched his best friend run towards the entrance gate of the school into the arms of a woman he assumed as his mom.
It didn’t feel right, like something was climbing up his chest, forming into words in his mouth that he wanted to shout at Soobin before he left. But the car already drove away, and Beomgyu kept it to himself, taking a mental note that he could just tell the latter the next time they met again.
Making promises was easy, but kids forgot easily, especially kids who didn’t bother to exchange numbers of addresses before making the promise.
The next time they met was in college.
They were twenty years old, thinking that they were ready to face everything as adults, when the reality was not as fancy as they had thought as kids.
Beomgyu was working in a convenience store, dark circles forming under his eyes as he scanned the barcodes of the items. He hadn’t had proper sleep for days, trying hard to meet the deadlines for his art projects while also working enough hours to make sure he could pay for the tuition fee. He was already so stressed for his own good, that he didn’t have the mental capacity to face any oddity in his day.
Not even this rudely handsome tall guy who stared daggers at him as he rang up his purchase. A bottled coffee.
“That would be 2000 won.”
“My name is Choi Soobin.”
“Excuse me?” Beomgyu lifted his gaze from the computer, taking a good look at the guy for the first time.
Instead of an explanation on why he was suddenly introducing himself, the guy still kept his gaze straight into his eyes. Intimidating.
“My name is Choi Soobin.”
“Okay, Choi Soobin, you have to pay 2000 won for the coffee.”
He looked angry for a split second, alarming the other boy behind the cashier desk. He was almost cautious, ready for any hint of a fight starting, only to end up being baffled when the stranger talked again.
“There’s not a single day I didn’t think of you and you don’t even remember me? Please do better,” he said with a frown, making Beomgyu stand there in daze, unable to come up with any comprehensive response for making such a beautiful stranger look disappointed. Not even as Soobin put more money than needed on top of the desk and pushed the bottle of coffee back towards his side. “You look like you need this.”
After the strange encounter, Beomgyu still couldn’t remember meeting the stranger before, but the stranger now had a name, and he didn’t mind getting to know someone new. So he let Soobin into his life, fitting him right into his packed schedules and let the guy pick him up from work so he could sleep in his car on the way back home before he had to work on his assignment.
While Beomgyu was pursuing his art degree and working various jobs on the side, Soobin was already working at his mom’s company and making his own money. Their daily routines and worries were different, but they always found each other at the end of the day, especially when Soobin would show up so late to pick him up from work.
Beomgyu didn’t question much at first, assuming that it was the mutual attraction between them that made Soobin so nice to him. It only started to bother him once they started dating.
It wasn’t like he had many experiences in dating. It was the way Soobin wouldn’t let him pay when they went out together, or paid more than he charged for commissions. He would also pamper Beomgyu with various gifts and let him move into his apartment when he was stressing about his rent.
“Is this normal?” he asked his friends one day, showing the new watch Soobin gifted him for their anniversary to Taehyun and Kai who stared at it in awe. The said watch felt heavy and cold around his wrist.
Out of place. Just like how Soobin looked by his side.
“I checked the price. You could pay your semester fee if you sold this,” Taehyun deadpanned, earning a scandalized look as Beomgyu snatched his hand away. “Just kidding. But this is so expensive, hyung. Might equal to putting a ring on you.”
“It’s not a ring.”
“With that price? It might as well be one.”
Beomgyu could only sit in silence as he mulled over it, biting on his thumb nails. It didn’t help that Taehyun was just voicing what had been bothering him. With the thought being voiced in the form of words, it materialized into something palpable. A burden on his shoulder that outweighed the feeling of warmth blooming in his chest whenever he was around his boyfriend.
“I’ve heard stories. Boyfriends who bought and paid for stuff just to manipulate the person they are dating. It’s like, because they have paid so much, the partner has to pay them back in a way,” Kai chimed in, not helping at all with this extra knowledge.
Beomgyu frowned. “Soobin is not like that.”
“He really doesn’t seem that way,” Taehyun said, as he had met the guy before. They all got along well, too, but they did not see Soobin with rose-tinted glasses the way Beomgyu did. “But you never know.”
So that night, as Soobin joined him in the corner of his apartment’s living room where Beomgyu had set up his canvas, he addressed his discomfort. His eyes fixed on the project he was working on just so he didn’t have to look at his boyfriend’s face. Paint-stained fingers clenched around his paintbrush as his heartbeats loud against his chest.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t think it’d make you uncomfortable,” Soobin said. “When I dated other people, it was the norm. And I want to make you feel loved.”
“You don’t have to spend money to make me feel loved, hyung.”
“But I want to do that. You saved my life.”
This always happened. The mention of what supposed to be the childhood memories they shared years ago. It seemed to be imprinted in Soobin’s head as a precious moment, that it led him to seek for Beomgyu. But Beomgyu had no recollection of the memories, and he started to fear the possibility of Soobin mistaking him as someone else.
All the love and devotion Soobin displayed for him, it might end up not being rightfully his. Beomgyu didn’t want to be in love with him when that happened. Though it could be too late for him now.
“But I will tone it down, okay? Just know that whatever I have is yours as well.”
There it was again, the unconditional love. Beomgyu only forced a smile at that, unable to accept the declaration. Avoiding the topic, he lifted his hand to smear a streak of blue-violet pain across the other’s cheek. It earned him a gasp and a series of protest that made him break into laughter, soon finding himself rolling on the floor with his boyfriend as they wrestled in the mess of paint and expensive carpet.
“I love you,” Soobin said once they calmed down. Paint stained face and kiss stained lips.
Beomgyu’s chest tightened. There was no way someone who loved him this much could have an ill intention like what his friends were worried about.
But the thoughts had been planted in his mind, and the seed only grew and grew by the days along with his feelings. He didn’t have the mental capacity to be dealing with that, on top of deadlines and college fees that already stressed him enough.
That was the reason why the next attempt became the last strike.
It started with a printed statement thrown at Soobin’s chest when Beomgyu stormed into the living room. The look of confusion greeted him, followed by a flash of pain that tore Beomgyu’s heart apart. But he couldn’t back down now.
“You paid for my semester fee.”
Soobin parted his lips, taking the paper and read over the statement even though he must have had an idea of what it said already. “You needed it, Beomgyu. It must be paid by the end of this week.”
“And you know that I’ve been working so hard to get the money!”
“Which is still not enough.”
That made him silent for a moment, teeth digging into his lower lip because it was right. He had been slacking and losing hours in his part-time jobs. It was just his pride that prevented him from asking help from his family. Now he had to face worse.
“Beomgyu… Why won’t you just let me help you? That amount was nothing for me, no amount is big enough as long as I can make you happy,” Soobin said again, sounding more desperate now.
Any other days, he could probably take it in a more positive light. Soobin was just being sweet because he wanted to help his boyfriend. But not today, not when his pride had been wounded and he felt so insignificant, so unworthy before his perfect boyfriend who had too much money for his own good.
“You think this makes me happy? I told you that I didn’t want this,” he started shaking from anger, alarming the other who reached out to hold his hand.
Soobin’s eyes widened as his hand was swatted away, while Beomgyu’s eyes were burned with tears. He couldn’t tell if it was from the anger or sorrow. In the end, his perfect boyfriend was the one who had to beg again. Every word that slipped past his lips only made it worse.
“I’m sorry, I can’t let you drop out, Gyu. It will make you sad… baby, please. Just take it from me for the last time? You can pay me back later. I know you just needed more time…”
He wasn’t listening anymore at this point, numbed by the decision he had made up in his mind. His movement felt robotic as he turned around, unable to listen to Soobin’s pleas anymore. Why did he have to apologize for helping him? He should be thankful that he was being helped, yet he could only feel the fear blooming in its fullest form, washing away all the warmth and affection he usually felt around the elder.
The fear of not knowing whether he was staying for love, or because he felt obligated to stay after all the money Soobin spent on him.
Soobin thought that he just needed time, understood that he had crossed the line this time for doing it secretly. Beomgyu just needed time to cool down, and they would talk about it, make up, and be in love again.
But he came home to an empty apartment the day after. And the day after.
On the third day, Beomgyu’s belongings had disappeared from their places and a key was left on top of the table.
At the end of the week, he received a message on his phone, and it took everything for him not to sink onto his knees and stay that way for hours.
A heart could only take so much aches, and Soobin had experienced enough in this lifetime alone. The decision he took when he was a kid that led him away from Beomgyu, only to make the only person he had ever loved forget him completely. The decision to help his lover led him to lose Beomgyu for the second time.
I’m leaving.
Please don’t look for me, I promise to pay the debt someday.
They met again in their late twenties, and this time, Soobin was determined not to let the other slip past his grasp again. But he was barely a stain in Beomgyu’s memory, one that kept tucked into the very back of his mind as a cause of an old wound. All those moments they shared, even the one from their childhood. Beomgyu could barely remember that. And that’s the only reason why Beomgyu could greet him with a bright smile of his while it still pained Soobin’s chest, filling him with longing, just being at the receiving end of the smile.
“Will you be okay, working with me?”
“Why not?” Beomgyu arched a brow, nonchalant. “We are professional adults, right?”
This time, they were working together to build this start-up company, now adjusting better into society. Already knew their rightful places.
While Soobin behaved carefully around the latter, Beomgyu seemed to be casual about the relationship that they used to share. He paid off his ‘debt’, and just like that, the connection between them was smooth again. It was almost like they had found each other in the right time now. The right time for them to finally fall in love with the best versions of them.
Sadly, their place was not in each other’s arms.
Soobin knew that when Beomgyu brought his girlfriend to work, introducing her to the rest of the team. They had been dating for two years, and after the encounter, Beomgyu secretly told Soobin that he was going to propose to her, knowing that she was the right person.
That also confirmed that yes, Soobin was not the right person. Never was. Don’t get his hope high.
“I’m glad you found your happiness, Beomgyu-ah,” he could only say, smiling as he could see the glow of happiness in the other’s eyes.
But they got along so well even when they were not in love (which was funny, because there was not a single day after the bandaid encounter that he was not in love with Choi Beomgyu), and he was also the cause of Beomgyu’s happiness on some days. He could also sense some stolen glances and something in Beomgyu’s eyes when he caught him staring.
If there was a leftover longing present in the pair of eyes, Soobin was not going to let him go again.
Not this time.
It was confirmed at his bachelor party, where Beomgyu had too much alcohol already and Soobin had to drag him back to his hotel room, stifling a laugh at the way the male looked so sleepy, leaning against him. The laughter died down completely as he started speaking the moment he hit the bed. Cheek mushed onto his pillow, but his gaze followed Soobin who was moving around to take care of him.
“Have you ever thought of a happy ending for us?”
Soobin froze. “Us?”
“If I hadn’t left back then, would tomorrow have been our happy ending instead?”
He was not given any chance to respond, not like Beomgyu was expecting one, since he started crying. A drunk crier. Soobin would’ve laughed at this newly discovered little fact about him again, if only it wasn’t for the fact that he’d never heard what Beomgyu had in mind about them , because he passed out after crying so hard.
Still, if there was a slightest chance that Beomgyu still wanted him, Soobin was not going to let it go.
The day after. On the wedding day, he was planning to confess, to let Beomgyu know that they could be something. It was fucked up, but for once, he wanted to be selfish.
He wanted Beomgyu to want him to be selfish.
==
(“And then…”
The narration is interrupted when Soobin feels vibration from the pocket of his trousers. He picks up his phone, regretting swiping the green button as he can instantly hear shouts from the other end before he could even hold the device to his ear.
He grimaced, holding the phone away. “Alright, alright. Stop panicking, I know where he is, okay? No! We’re not bailing… give us 2 minutes.”
“Yeonjun hyung?” Beomgyu whispers when the call is over, shrinking his shoulders as if he’s caught red-handed doing something he shouldn’t. It’s a tiny adorable detail Soobin noticed, the way Beomgyu tends to shrink when he knows he’s about to be caught in trouble.
“Yep. He’s going to nag so hard.”
“I know, he’s been so nice, offering to organize our wedding and all, but he doesn’t need to be so loud all the time,” Beomgyu says, finally removing himself from the bed that was already less than the perfect state it was before. Paying no mind to it, he stretches his arms up, turning around to face Soobin. “Promise to continue the story later? I still need to hear the happy ending.”
“Promise,” Soobin says, getting up as well and offering his hand to Beomgyu. “But maybe I can show you in person, the happy ending of that story.”
He blinks at that, staring at the hand until Soobin is the one reaching out to hold his.
“Ready for a real happy ending?”
“Never been this ready,” Beomgyu finally says, beaming as he gets tugged out from the room, excitement flooding into his bloodstreams. )
==
It’s when they reach the staircase that Soobin lets go of his hand, muttering something about how Beomgyu was not nervous anymore and that they should go down separately to not arouse suspicion from Yeonjun who will rage if he knew that they have just been slacking at the room. It makes Beomgyu burst into laughter.
“Okay. You’ll go by separate car, right? I guess I’ll see you at the venue.”
It’s now or never.
“Beomgyu-ah,” he calls out just as the groom is about to descend the stairs, and he is convinced that he saw the glint of hope when Beomgyu turns around to face him again. The hint of longing he had hoped to see.
The push he needs so that he can hold him back, to beg for another chance so that he can love Beomgyu properly this time.
Don’t get married.
But he can’t do that, not to Beomgyu who has been looking forward to this day for months and not to his fiancée who has treated Soobin as a best friend as well. There is no space for Soobin and Beomgyu in this universe, too, just as told by the countless nightmares he had.
He is not the other half of Beomgyu’s us .
All the love stories that ended up in tears. One that started because of a man’s hopeless wish to drag his lover back from within the embrace of Death. It’s a never-ending punishment, and it will be so naïve of him to think that he can break the curse just because he is fooling himself into seeing that Beomgyu still wanted him.
After all, everything will end up badly again, no matter how much happiness they are allowed to feel in this lifetime. And Soobin really doesn’t want to put Beomgyu through another painful time. It’s enough that he is the one who’s shouldering the pain between them.
So he can only smile at his best friend.
Please don’t get married.
“Please be happy.”
He tries to ignore the illusion of disappointment in Beomgyu’s face, because the bright smile that takes over his face a second later is more convincing. His eyes gleamed in happiness that Soobin is unable to give to him.
“I will, hyung. Thank you for the stories.”
No. Thank you for the love stories, Beomgyu.
That’s also Soobin’s line, as he watches Beomgyu walk down the staircase, welcomed by Yeonjun’s voice that’s yelling to him about how his bride would chop his neck if they arrive late to the wedding venue.
And just like every other time he lost Beomgyu in his previous lives, he crumbles down this time too. Dreams are dreams, no matter how vivid they are. Now that Soobin is experiencing it, he has to hold onto his chest as it aches more than it did the last time Beomgyu left him, or any other times he experienced in his dreams. The dreams of his previous lives, the accumulated punishments.
It has never been this painful.
Nothing can be as painful as your sadness materializing into something tangible, crawling up your throat and choking you along with your tears. His heart is clawing out of his own chest, screaming to be released from the confined space filled with venom of heartbreak.
There’s a sound of something breaking, and before Soobin knows it, he’s on the floor, back against the ledge of the stairs, as he tries to calm down his breathing to let the oxygen fill his hurting chest.
On the floor are scattered the pure white petals of poppies from the vase he broke, stained by specks of blood that came from the cuts on his palm when it landed on the pieces. The shade of red mixing with the pure, pretty thing only made them look prettier.
While it should be alarming, it makes him laugh so loud instead, that his voice echoes throughout the empty house.
After all, there is only so much heartbreak a person can take before they break down.
That’s when he realized that this is the peak of his heartbreak. Numerous lifetimes of sadness are building up to this moment, threatening to rip him apart and piecing him back together just enough to try the next time he sees Beomgyu again.
For now, he has this sting from the cut on his hand, which he tried to cover with a band-aid. The pororo band-aid he had carried around with him just in case something like this happens. The last band-aid from the bunch Beomgyu gave to him that day he pulled Soobin from his hiding space.
The band-aid is not working, not on the tiny cut on his hand or the big gash in his heart that is dripping with pain.
But that’s all he has to hold onto, the pain. The pain never stops him from hoping that maybe, just maybe, it will finally be the end of his eternal punishment. That the next time he sees Beomgyu again, they are finally allowed the happy ending they need to heal their broken souls from the neverending punishment.
Maybe in another universe, they will meet again. Except this Soobin will not have to lose his Beomgyu, and this Beomgyu won’t have to take that step down the stairs to meet his bride.
Maybe in another universe, they are allowed to be in love.