Chapter Text
Mai wasn’t a bender, but if she were, she would be an earthbender. She often heard Zuko describe them as enduring and strong; she had seen Zuko’s blind, fierce friend face every scenario head on despite the challenges. During her time in Ba Sing Se Mai often found herself admiring the large stone walls encasing the city, and thought of how they had endured decades of war and had yet to fall.
Akin to the walls, Mai was determined not to fall. She prided herself on withering every storm that was thrown her way and was able to detach from any situation in order to protect herself. She was practiced in withdrawing and hiding her emotions to keep the peace both around her and within her. Whether it was to preserve her father’s political career or maintain years of friendship with Azula, like the walls of Ba Sing Se, and like the earthbenders she had seen, Mai was a master of preservation.
Of course, she would never dream of telling Zuko this, lest she break his heart. Zuko often told her affectionately that she had the true spirit of a firebender, but Agni refused to make her a bender because he knew she would have been too powerful for this world. Mai was content and slightly flattered to receive such high praise from her husband, though she secretly disagreed.
Mai was cold. Anyone who interacted with her for more than a minute would tell you how frigid she was. Her voice was uncaring, her eyes were dark, and with her pale complexion contrasted with her obsidian hair, Mai was pretty sure this is what she’ll look like dead. She was no firebender, she had no warmth to offer. For the most part, Mai paid no mind to this, and let her heart sit cold and heavy like a stone in the cavern of her chest. It protected her. She had made herself untouchable to those around her- for the most part.
Zuko was the drill that was determined to break down Mai’s carefully constructed walls. He was a ginormous, fire nation branded drill that chipped away at even her thickest of walls. This was especially true once they were married. They had lived and endured years of war and darkness, but like Uncle Iroh always said, they finally arrived at a better place. They had been married for almost three years, were both adjusted to their positions as Fire Lord and Lady, and the Fire Nation had finally settled into an era of peace and stability, except for one small matter.
The pressure for an heir was not new to Mai and Zuko. To their great annoyance, the council and the Fire Sages had been dropping not-so-subtle hints about a future Fire Lord since the day Mai and Zuko were married. However, the couple was adamant about taking the first year of their marriage to adjust to each other as well as their changed political roles. Zuko had a few years as Fire Lord under his belt, but Mai had faced many new challenges as a newlywed Fire Lady; hosting meetings and assisting her husband. However, as the second year of their marriage passed peacefully, Zuko began to warm to the idea of having a child. Mai was still hesitant, and Zuko was happy to respect Mai’s wishes to wait a little longer. It wasn't that she didn't want kids, she definitely wanted at least one, and knew Zuko would probably want more eventually, but Mai still doubted. At first Mai had told herself that the world was the problem, and that it was too unstable for them to raise a child, which was true for a while. However, as her husband and the Avatar continued to govern and bring peace, this excuse began to wither away, leaving Mai without anything to hide behind.
In reality, it was herself that Mai doubted more than anything. Both her and Zuko carried a fair amount of baggage from their childhood, and it had resulted in neither of them being great at showing affection or emotion. Zuko had always been better at expressing himself (which wasn’t saying much), although for a long time it often came out suddenly through bursts of anger when he reached his boiling point. Mai on the other hand, locked up her emotions deep within her walls, and only let them see the light of day when absolutely necessary, or when Zuko pried them out of her with a crowbar. She still thought about the time he had called her a “big blah” at that party on Ember Island. He had apologized profusely, and she knew he would feel tremendous guilt if he knew how his words and everyone else’s affected her. She was trying to work on it, really she was, and she was getting much better at opening up to Zuko and some of their close friends, but showing affection did not come easily. Zuko knew her well enough to read between the lines, but they had been building and developing their relationship for years, and it hadn’t been easy. This was the reason Mai feared having a child. How could she be a good mother and care for her child when it had taken her years to be at this place with her husband? But how could she ever tell Zuko this? He might tell her it’s stupid and that she needs to get over it. Despite her insecurities, she truly did want a child, and she wanted more than anything to give Zuko a child and start their family.
They were sitting in one of their big monthly meetings where her and Zuko, the Fire Sages, the council of advisors, and some nobility all met to discuss the issues of the nation. As soon as the Fire Sages mentioned it, Mai knew Zuko would bring it up with her later. It had been many months since they discussed the topic of children, and after the Sages had mentioned once again the importance of “doing their duty” and “securing the throne,” she knew she would no longer be able to put off the subject, nor did she want to.
The two of them entered their chambers that evening after the meeting and began tugging off their robes. Sure enough, she heard Zuko timidly clear his throat. When she turned to meet his eyes she felt a twinge of guilt at how sheepish her husband looked about the conversation they were about to have. He sat down on the edge of their bed and began fidgeting with the belt on his robe.
“Hey Mai, I uh… I know we’ve talked about this before and you weren’t ready, which is totally fine by the way!” he put his hands up to reassure her and she could see him shaking slightly with nervousness. “But its been a few months now so I figured maybe we could… I- I was wondering if we could talk about… having kids.” He scratched the back of his head as he avoided eye contact with her. Mai couldn’t help but feel the twinge of guilt swell a little more in her chest. She knew how badly Zuko wanted a child, and could see that he was trying not to pressure her. She was briefly overcome with a surge of affection for her husband and her eyes softened a little as he met her gaze.
“Is this all because of a certain comment that was made tonight at the council meeting?” She narrowed her eyes slightly and asked somewhat teasingly.
“Yes. I- I- mean no! No!” he sighed. “I was going to ask you about it soon anyways, the Sages just… kind of brought it up for me. I know last time we talked about this you wanted to wait for a little bit, and if you’re still not ready that’s fine Mai, really. I just figured we ought to discuss it again.” He hung his head slightly and breathed deeply before continuing. “I know it would be a big change for us, but you know I’m ready to start our family whenever you’re ready, so I wanted to… see where your head was at, I guess.” He met her gaze again nervously awaiting her response.
With his amber eyes looking at her like that, Mai was about a stone’s throw away from immediately agreeing to bear his child and jump into bed with him right there. But she knew deep down that it wouldn’t be fair to her or Zuko if she wasn’t honest with him.
“Zuko, I’ve been thinking about kids recently too.” She could see the hope spark in his eyes. “I’m still not sure if I’m ready for kids though. I’m sorry.” She finished quietly. He tentatively reached out and grabbed her hands in his.
“Can we at least talk about it?” he continued, “I mean, what are you not sure about? Is there anything I can do to fix it?” he asked gently.
“There’s nothing you can do.” Mai responded quietly. He would never let it drop there; bless this man, she knew he would do almost anything to ease her discomfort about having a child.
“What’s the matter then? Please tell me Mai, maybe there’s someone we can ask or- or we can work something out? If you want more time then of course that’s alright, but I can tell there’s something that’s bugging you. Please tell me what’s wrong Mai.” he responded earnestly.
Mai should’ve known better than to underestimate her husband. He knew her better than anyone and he could tell that she was evading something.
For someone who insists they’d be an earthbender, that’s not very earthbender of you. He at least has a right to know what’s holding you back from the child you both desperately want. Mai’s thoughts ran through her head.
Strength. Face it head-on. She could do this.
“I’m not going to be a good mother.” She finally responded, albeit very quietly. She had spoken so softly, she wasn’t sure Zuko had heard her, because he hadn’t reacted at all. She hoped he would say something soon, because Mai was not sure she could bear to admit it again. But when she looked at him she could see the gears turning in his head, comprehending what she had said.
“Mai I-,” he stuttered, “Mai what? What on earth makes you say that?” He leapt up off the bed and began pacing around their room. Mai watched him anxiously, but he didn’t seem angry? Mai had seem him fly off the handle for much less than this, so why wasn’t her angry at her? He finally knew that she was the only thing standing between them and their beloved child, that she was the one holding him back. But now he was now looking at her with such concern and affection she felt her eyes water, although she refused to let the tears fall.
Strength.
“Mai, I don’t know what or who led you to believe you won’t be a good mother, but it’s not true. You are so strong, and you don’t take shit from anyone. There is literally no one else I would rather be the mother of my children. Why don’t you think you’ll be a good mother?” he dropped to his knees before her on the bed and took her hands in his. His eyes were so soft Mai almost couldn’t bear to respond, but she swallowed down the lump in her throat.
“I’m cold Zuko.” He stared at her confusedly. “Zuko, you know better than anyone that I am the most uncaring and unloving person in the world! How can I ever bring a child into the world knowing it will have to endure me as a mother?” her voice wavered slightly, and her bottom lip quivered. Zuko was still looking at her in confusion, which in turn confused Mai. Why didn’t he understand? She had made it perfectly clear. She could tell he was choosing his next words carefully, and he eventually spoke.
“Mai, you are one of the most caring people I have ever known. Just because you don’t always show it, doesn’t mean you don’t love others or care about them! I mean, you love me, and even though they make it difficult, I know you love our friends, and you love Tom-Tom more than anything in the world!” he finished.
“Zuko of course I love you, but it took what? Six or seven years for me to admit it? And even if I do care about other people, they don’t know it! I’ve never told them, so it doesn’t even matter because they don’t know, and I’m not good at telling them.” She clenched her hands in his.
“You may not tell them in so many words, or with physical affection, but trust me, everyone knows how much you care. Aang knows you care when you let him have the room with the big balcony so Appa can sleep out there. Sokka knows you care when you arrange his favorite meal every time he comes to visit. Ty Lee knows you love her when you let her ramble and walk around on her hands with you. You taught Katara how to throw icicles like you throw your knives! And why do you think we can never get Toph out of our hair? I’ve seen her punch you dozens of times!” he read Mai’s confused expression. “That’s how Toph shows affection- physical pain I guess. If anyone has trouble expressing affection, it’s her.” Zuko chuckled softly and squeezed her hands before he went on. “And me. You went against the Fire Nation, against Azula, because you loved me.” His eyes shone. “Mai, the only other person who has ever done that for me was my mother, and even she could only do so much right under my father’s nose. That shows more than anything how good of a mother you would be. You may not be as fluffy as some other people, but you are fiercely protective of the people you love.” He finished quietly.
Mai couldn’t breathe. She definitely couldn’t speak. What in Agni’s name did she ever do to deserve him? Her mind was racing, evaluating everything he said. She did do all of those things, but she hadn’t realized that they were perceived as love. He was right though, of course she loved her family, friends and especially Zuko. She suddenly felt a great weight lifted off of her heart. Maybe she wouldn’t be such a terrible mother? It was an exciting thought. They hadn’t even tried for a child yet, and Mai already knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she would face Azula ten times over for their child. She swallowed before she spoke.
“Do you really mean it?” she asked tentatively.
“Every word,” he assured her before continuing. “Besides, Ozai was my father and even though it was hard I turned out alright didn’t I? We know you can’t possibly be worse than Ozai.” He chuckled softly.
“Gee thanks dear, maybe I am ready to start that family you were talking about. Especially now that I’ve reached the dazzling heights of ‘not worse than Ozai.’” she deadpanned before taking on a more serious note. “But honestly Zuko, if you really think I can do it, then maybe it is time to start trying for our ‘future Fire Lord’” she finished softly, smiling at her husband.
It took Zuko about four seconds to process her words before jumping up to wrap her in his arms and spin them around. “Mai are you sure? I didn’t mean to pressure you, there’s no rush to decide anytime soon, and especially not because the stupid Fire Sages said we should. But… if you really mean it what do you say we get started right now?” he asked excitedly. Mai grinned as her husband finally set her feet back down on the ground.
“I mean it Zuko, I’m ready to start our family. But if you really want to start tonight, you better try complimenting me again. Its gonna take a lot more than ‘better than Ozai’ to seduce me that easily.”
His laughter echoed down the halls of the palace.