Chapter Text
Hyunjin looks away from the road in front of him to the figure that is lying on the passenger seat, probably asleep from all the alcohol in his blood. He is somehow assigned by Chan to be the one to drive the drunk boy back home. Seeing the red lights, Hyunjin reaches over to the back of his car for his blanket and places it gently over the sleeping boy. Taking advantage of that moment to steal a quick glance at the face of someone who he holds so close to his heart. He smiles to himself, happy with the little moment that he got to have with Seungmin without the other boys.
He has always found his gaze travelling towards the boy without realising. He will only come back to his senses when the said boy looked back at him with a wide puppy-like grin. To which he returned his brightest smile , in the hope that his smile, too, will brighten up Seungmin’s world like how Seungmin’s smile had done to him. The exchange, however, was quickly cut short by another equally sparkly boy, Felix, coming to stand in between them and looking straight into Hyunjin’s eyes. Hyunjin looked away quickly, guilt eating up inside of him. Guilt from wanting something more between Seungmin and him. Guilt from not being able to control his eyes from going to Seungmin. Guilt from not being able to stop his feelings that should not even exist… for his best friend’s boyfriend.
Yes. Seungmin is Felix’s boyfriend.
He thought that he had come to terms with their relationship, but it still kills him from inside, every time that he saw them interact with one another. How he wishes that it is him who is engulfed in Seungmin’s hug and hugs him whenever he feels like he wants to. How he wishes that he is the one who is able to bring a smile onto Seungmin’s face. How he wishes that it is him instead of Felix.
It is not that he had anything against Felix. Felix is a walking sunshine and he deserved all the love and happiness in the world. Hyunjin feels happy for them, Felix deserves the best and in Hyunjin’s opinion, Seungmin is the best.
They are all in the same group of friends, which Hyunjin would refer to his group of friends as his family. His family consists of Chan, Minho, Changbin, Jisung, Seungmin, Felix and Jeongin. Coming from very different backgrounds, cities and countries, they somehow managed to find each other in the midst of this chaotic world. Hyunjin is always his happiest when he spends time with them. They looked at him for who he is and appreciated the passion that he has towards dancing.
When Chan adopted Hyunjin into the group, that was when Hyunjin first set his eyes on the soft boy. The way that he looked at Hyunjin got him all flustered, there was something in the way that Seungmin looked at him that made him feel thousands of butterflies flapping their wings crazily in his stomach. The softness and the warmth that Hyunjin could feel radiating from Seungmin from just looking at him. Then, he thought that his stomach would have burst from the butterflies wanting to escape. The sole reason that caused the butterflies to go crazy was Seungmin’s voice when he introduced himself. He did not know whether he would be able to describe it in proper words because all he felt was those stupid, stupid butterflies were on crack. Hyunjin was whipped the moment that he met Seungmin.
After hearing Seungmin speak for the first time, Hyunjin was drafting plans in his head for ways to get Seungmin to talk. Hyunjin was so out of it that he introduced himself as, “Hyuni'', instead of his own name. While everyone registered, “Hyunjin”, into their memories after Chan helped him correct his mistake, Seungmin continued to call him “Hyuni'' afterwards. This made the butterflies in Hyunjin’s stomach undergo mitosis and he almost went down to his knees, asking for Seungmin’s hand.
As a group, they spent a lot of time together, hanging out at Chan’s room, going over to have dinner at Jeongin’s house, and frequently meeting up for their monthly karaoke, bowling and gaming session. Hyunjin was always with his family, even if there was not a reason to, he still tried to join them as often as he could. Spending time with his friends was a win for him, getting to be with Seungmin was another win for him. Sometimes it would just be the two of them together. It seems to Hyunjin that Seungmin was also getting more and more comfortable around him.
***
It was fifteen minutes past midnight and Hyunjin was at the common area of their dorm, burning midnight oil, doing his very best to diffuse all the theories and contents into his head for his last finals, silently blaming himself for ignoring the existence of this subject until the very last minute. To make the situation worse, the weightage of the finals for this course was set at 50%. If he fails finals, he will fail the whole course and he barely made it through his midterms.
Hyunjin jumped in his seat when he felt something cold against his cheek. He looked up only to see Seungmin smiling brightly, eyes disappearing into crescents, while holding onto a bottle of orange juice.
“Why get me orange juice?” he whined, a pout forming on his mouth without realising.
“I actually wanted to get you something to keep you awake but I decided against that. Wouldn’t want you to not be able to sleep after finishing your revision.”.
He felt that Seungmin was staring at his lips but decided against it. It was probably due to his lack of sleep and hours of him cramming his introduction to cultural studies into his head that caused him to be seeing things.
“Pffftttttt, you think too highly of me to think that I will get some sleep tonight.” Hyunjin said while chuckling to himself. It was a tough task, stuffing himself with 10 weeks worth of contents in one night. But Hyunjin was already used to it. He had repeated this cycle for more than enough that he was quite sure that he would do just fine for tomorrow’s finals without sleep.
Seungmin smiled a little and placed the bottle of cold orange juice beside Hyunjin (with tissue underneath the bottle) and went over the other side of the table to drag a chair over to Hyunjin’s side.
When he was about to settle down beside Hyunjin, Hyunjin placed his legs on the chair to stop Seungmin from sitting down.
“Why are you here, Min? I thought you’re already done with your finals.”
“Just wanted to be here to give you moral support.”
Hyunjin’s heart jumped and did a somersault (probably did a breakdance too if there was enough space in his chest area). He felt a blush creeping onto his cheeks. Foucauldian’s discourse and Gramsci’s theory proceeded to say bye bye to his brain and left, replaced with Seungmin’s words. If Hyunjin were to fail his finals tomorrow, he will get Seungmin a bone crushing hug as a punishment for distracting him.
“I can’t pass my finals with your moral support dude. The only people that can help me right now are Foucault and Gramsci.” Hyunjin was now flipping through his notes aggressively, trying his very best to not look at Seungmin while being flustered.
“What if I happened to take this course last semester, got an A and am able to remember the questions for the finals that were rumoured to be reused for every final?”
Hyunjin looked at Seungmin like he was god sent. He was the only hope, the only lifeline that he will be able to hold on and get through this finals.
“Oh my god, babyyyyyy. Why didn’t you say so sooner? Come sit, baby.”. Hyunjin squealed and got up, dramatically brushing the chair that was placed next to him. He grabbed Seungmin’s wrist and dragged him down to sit. Hyunjin settled himself beside Seungmin, moving closer to him, in hopes that he will be able to absorb the most out of Seungmin. He could feel Seungmin adjusting himself closer to Hyunjin and began the process of enlightening Hyunjin’s brain.
…
“-ni. Hyuni, wake up.”
Hyunjin felt a soft pat on his head. He snuggled closer to his warm pillow, not wanting to wake up to face the cruel world.
“Hyuni, you have to get up now. You’re going to be late.”
Hyunjin decided to ignore the soothing voice, nothing can make him wake up, not even the owner of the voice that he likes.
“What’s the second question that could come out for the finals?”
Well, except for finals.
“What is the concept of truth, power and knowledge for Foucauldian’s discourse?” Something inside Hyunjin snapped as if by instinct and he lifted his head up from his warm pillow and shouted out the answer.
“Good. It seems like my drilling method worked pretty well.”. Hyunjin turned to look at the boy beside him and found him smiling, his face showed a sign of sleeplessness.
“Can you let go of my arm for a while, I think it’s going to fall off soon.”. Seungmin used another hand to lightly tap onto Hyunjin’s head, making Hyunjin realise that his warm pillow was actually Seungmin’s arms and that he was also hugging tightly onto him.
“Oh my god, Min. I am so sorry.” Hyunjin let go of his arm quickly and watched while Seungmin shook his arm to let the blood circulate.
“When did I fall asleep?” Hyunjin asked, feeling guilty for falling asleep.
“You slept while I was repeating the potential questions and the answers for the fourth time. But I think you’ll be fine. You could recall the questions while you were half awake.”
Even though Seungmin now has darkening circles, from the lack of sleep, which could equally compete with his, he still looked soft and as cuddly. Hyunjin stared at Seungmin in awe. How can someone be so dedicated to helping another fellow human being when he could have been doing something else, especially after his finals. He can’t help but felt that he was falling even more for Seungmin.
“You should go and wash up, there’s still time. I don’t want you to go do your finals with drools on your face.” Seungmin’s voice snapped him out of his daze and he reached over to tuck Hyunjin’s hair out of his eyes to go behind his ear.
And with that, Hyunjin immediately attacked Seungmin. Hugging his waist and rubbing his face (and the said drools) against Seungmin’s hoodie, and at the same time, hiding the blush away from Seungmin.
“Oh my god, I was just kidding and I did not sign up for this kind of treatment. Especially after helping you. Go awayyyy.” Seungmin lightly tapped his head, still gentle with Hyunjin as always.
“Fineeee. I was just giving you your daily dose of Hyunjin’s hug, if you don’t want it then it’s your loss.”. Hyunjin, still hugging Seungmin’s waist, looked up at Seungmin, resisting the urge to kiss his chin.
Hyunjin let go of Seungmin’s waist and stood up fully. As he was packing up his stuff, Seungmin was mumbling something and looked like he was expecting an answer from Hyunjin.
“You were saying?” Hyunjin asked.
“I was wondering if you wanna hang out in the afternoon. We could go to the dog cafe that you’ve always wanted to go to or maybe to a comic book cafe.” Seungmin replied, helping him gather his colourful pens.
“Awwww, why am I so popular nowadays. Jeongin asked me to hang out in the afternoon with him yesterday. I don’t know where we’re going yet but do you wanna join us?”
“Oh, it’s okay. I guess I’ll see you another time.”
“You sure you don’t want to join us?” Hyunjin pointed at his colourful pens in Seungmin’s hand, gesturing him to pass it over.
“Nah, it’s okay. Enjoy yourself, you deserve to rest after the finals.”. Seungmin placed his pens onto Hyunjin’s waiting hand and Hyunjin could feel the warmth from Seungmin’s hand. Hyunjin decided to ignore his own heart beat that quickened.
Hyunjin felt that something was off with Seungmin and out of impulse, he held Seungmin’s hand, with the colourful pens still in between them. When he was about to ask whether Seungmin was okay, he felt another hand placed under his.
“I’m really okay. Go enjoy yourself. I was thinking about sleeping for the rest of the day anyway. Teaching you was so tiring.” and with a pat, Seungmin let go of both his hand and the pens.
…
“...”
“...”
“Haiii”
“And I thought that you were going somewhere with Jeongin.”
Hyunjin was greeted with a sight that he had to use all his willpower to stop himself from running down the corridor screaming. Seungmin opened the door to his room, wearing his glasses, hair messy,a baggy shirt and pants, and that deep voice that usually did not exist. Yes, in front of him was a Seungmin that just woke up. (Hyunjin told himself that he needs to get used to this sight… if he wants to wake up to this everyday.)
“I just want to be with you.”
Hyunjin was still in a daze and the impact of how Seungmin looked right now was causing his brain-to-mouth filter to malfunction. He blurted out his true intention of coming to Seungmin’s room.
Seungmin's eyes widened from what he said and for a second Hyunjin thought he saw Seungmin’s ear turning into beautiful shades of pink. His mouth was gaping for a while, as if he wanted to reply to Hyunjin’s sudden outburst but decided against it. Seungmin stepped aside to one side, making space for Hyunjin to enter his room.
Once Hyunjin was inside, he set his bag at the side of the door, took off his shoes and went to sit at the edge of Seungmin’s bed. Although he may look calm and collected, he was internally screaming at himself for the outburst and all he wanted was to yeet himself out of the room.
“Move your dirty ass away from my bed!” Seungmin shouted at him while looking at him from head to toe with disgusted eyes.
“How do you know it’s dirty? I showered this morning.” Hyunjin cannot let anyone get away for calling his ass dirty, even if it was Seungmin. His ass needed justice.
“Please, Hyuni, don’t think that I didn’t notice the sweat marks on your shirt. Was answering questions about Foucault causing you to sweat?” Seungmin raised an eyebrow at him.
Hyunjin, for once, wished that Seungmin was not so observant. It was not Foucault that made him sweat, he was just doing his exercise which involves him taking off right after he handed in his exam paper at the speed of light all the way to where he is now.
“What sweat marks? It’s the pattern of the shirt, you know tie dye?”
“Pffttt, tie dye? Really? Only on the collar area?”
“Yeah. Trust me Min. It’s fashion.”
“Whatever you say, Hyuni.”
Seungmin went over to his closet and fetched out a neatly folded hoodie and pants before handing it to Hyunjin.
“If you want to stay here, at least change into these.”
Hyunjin stared dumbfoldedly at Seungmin. If he recalled correctly, Seungmin had never made any of their friends change into his clothes. Besides him, Felix, Jisung and Jeongin often crash into Seungmin’s room and Seungmin had never asked them to change their clothes. Was Seungmin trying to pull something? Well, maybe not. Was Hyunjin reading too much into the situation? Totally a big yes. From past experiences of watching many romcoms, the protagonists often overthink the situation, especially when it involved their love interests. Hyunjin, a self-proclaimed protagonist of this self-declared romcom, was for sure reading too much into the situation.
He took the clothes that Seungmin had offered and went inside the bathroom without saying anything.
Alone in the bathroom, he suddenly felt self-conscious. Is he smelly from the run? Is his hair oily? What about his breath?
“Min, can I shower?” Hyunjin decided to solve the problem by asking permission to shower. Since he was already in the bathroom, why not just shower.
“Sure. Use whatever that you want.”
Hyunjin heard a knock on the bathroom door, he turned to see Seungmin’s hand holding onto a towel.
“Thanks Min” Hyunjin smiled and replaced that towel with his own hand, lacing his fingers, earning him a soft gasp from the other side of the door.
“Hyuni, baby, I understand that you’re super lonely. It’s just a shower, you’ll be done soon. You will only be alone for a while. Unless you want me to join you while you shower?” Seungmin held his hand back and cooed at him with a high pitched squeaky voice that made Hyunjin giggled.
When Seungmin tried to push the door open, Hyunjin squealed and quickly let go of his hand.
“Minnn, nooooooo”
“Quickly clean up and come join me outside. Don’t be too lonely inside there.”
That night they ended up binge watching One Punch Man on Seungmin’s bed before falling asleep with Hyunjin’s head resting on Seungmin’s arm once again. (possibly killing all blood flow) And Seungmin’s Hyuni baby was no longer lonely.
…
“MINNNNNNNNNN”
Hyunjin screamed at the top of his lungs, feet running towards the figure that was sitting on the bench outside his lecture hall, waiting for him. He threw himself at Seungmin, making sure that Seungmin will fully get more than enough daily dose of Hyunjin.
“How was it?” Seungmin wrapped his arms around Hyunjin’s waist.
“I passed!!!! I don’t have to retake this shit. Bye Gramsci! FOR GOOD. BYEEEE-“
Hyunjin’s screaming was cut short as he was lifted off his feet, onto the air and spun around by the boy in front of him. It was unexpected, with him being taller, it should be almost impossible for Seungmin to lift him up. Hyunjin, being afraid whenever his feet were off the ground, held onto Seungmin’s shoulders for his dear life and found out that.. dayummm underneath all this fluffy and baggy hoodie, the boy in front of him was toned.
“I’m proud of you, Hyuni.” After putting him back down, Seungmin said to him, looking at him like Hyunjin was his lucky star.
“It’s only because you told me the question.” Hyunjin playfully pulled the strings attached to Seungmin’s hoodie.
“See, I’m a good moral support after all.”
***
Hyunjin smiles to himself when he thinks about the past memories of them spending time together. Apart from that, there were also other subtle actions that Seungmin did which resulted in Hyunjin’s heart to do a 360 degrees flip. Hands on his waist so naturally while they were watching a movie together with the rest of the group in Chan’s room. Feeding him food and brushing a grain of rice from Hyunjin’s mouth while they were eating at Jeongin’s house (in which Hyunjin quickly got up from his seat and ran to the kitchen while mumbling, “I need the toilet”). A late night walk together just to see the stars. A pat on his head when he managed to land a strike during their bowling sessions. A lift back home when his own car died in the middle of the night. All of this made Hyunjin start to feel more and more. He would willingly break open his chest and hand Seungmin his heart if Seungmin asked for it.
But it did not happen.
One day Seungmin started distancing himself away from Hyunjin and spending more time with Felix. The small gestures and secret conversation that they made together made Hyunjin realise that they were something special between them. It was a relationship that was about to bloom into something beautiful. Even though they have yet to announce it officially to the whole group, Hyunjin was already counting down the days for it to happen. He decided that he should give up his feelings for his best friends. Hyunjin would do anything in his power for the happiness of his friends, and giving up on his love for Seungmin was one of them. It would sadden him more to see his friends feeling bad for being in a relationship, so he chose to be the one that bare the pain of having to forget.
His will to give up his love got stronger once he realised that every time when he caught himself staring at Seungmin, he would see Felix staring back at him. Knowing Felix, he would break it off with Seungmin immediately if he knew that their relationship was hurting his friend. Hyunjin would not let that happen, his feelings were not asked for, and it was his sole responsibility to take care and get rid of it.
~Let’s fall in love for the night and forget in the morning~
The chorus of the song that he shuffled in his car is heard. Hyunjin sighed and looked at Seungmin sleeping peacefully beside him.
***
They were celebrating 3RACHA’s achievement of having reached a hundred thousand followers on Soundcloud in Chan’s room, when alcohol got involved. Chan felt that they are finally at the age where drinking alcohol to celebrate was appropriate. His reason was it was the right time to introduce them to alcohol, just for the sake of testing out the level of alcohol tolerance.(LIKE FINALLYYYYYYYYYYY screamed Jisung)
Hyunjin found himself being very absorbed in his own thoughts, not under the influence of alcohol, thinking about the least painful way that he should use to get over Seungmin. He laid his heavy head onto Jeongin’s shoulder, looking for support and a mooring for himself. The more he thought about it, the more his heart ached. This was probably the process of his heart falling apart, piece by piece.
His eyes wandered around the room, just to land on his favourite boy. Seungmin was holding onto a Starbucks dog printed cup laughing away, his face painted with light shades of pink. He was laughing at something that Jisung just said. Hyunjin could not help it but to smile at the sight of Seungmin laughing, eyes disappearing due to his cheeks squishing them. Seungmin. Seungmin. Seungmin. How he hoped that he could be standing next to Seungmin, laughing along with him, tugging Seungmin’s arms to be wrapped around his waist, feeling the warmth. Seungmin. Seung-
Hyunjin quickly looked away, burying himself into Jeongin’s chest. Felix saw him staring again. Overwhelmed with guilt, Hyunjin started tearing up. How can he be such a bad friend? Going after his friend’s boyfriend was already bad enough, now he got himself caught, again, by Felix for staring.
“Hyung, you okay?” Jeongin asked while patting his head.
Hyunjin knew that if he answered Jeongin now, his voice would point out that he was on the verge of tears, so he opted to shake his head instead, wiping his newly formed tears onto the younger’s chest.
“Hyung, are you still upset about me eating that last piece of tofu? I told you that you could have it but you still insisted that I eat it. Is this about being older or something along the olders on having to be the one that sacrifices? I can always ask mom to make more next time so we don’t have to fight for the last piece.” Jeongin offered, while using his fingers to twirl Hyunjin’s tiny ponytail.
Hyunjin bit his lips, dwelling deeper into his thoughts. It was true that Hyunjin was a tiny bit upset with not getting the last piece of tofu, he thought that he could hide his desire for the tofu well enough, but apparently not. He could not even hide his desire for tofu, how long more can he hide his feelings from his friends. If they know of his unforgivable feeling, things would get awkward between the group and everyone will be sad. Felix would blame himself for causing a lot of pain for Hyunjin. Seungmin would probably distance himself from the group as well, because he knows that Hyunjin’s life support was the group. Seungmin would be able to do better alone as compared to Hyunjin, so he will choose to be the one that does the distancing. The rest will take turns staying with each of them to ensure that everyone is doing okay. But… How long can it last? They may even stop talking and the group may fall apart. Hyunjin never ever wanted that to happen.
“Woah hyung!”
Hyunjin climbed onto Jeongin’s lap, hugging him in koala style. He needed someone to hug him while telling him that he was going to be okay and that he will get over his feelings very soon.
It seemed that Jeongin somehow got the message. One hand rubbing circles around Hyunjin’s back and another hand patting his head, playing with the black ribbon that held his tiny ponytail in place.
“It’s okay hyung. It’s just a piece of tofu.”
‘It’s okay Hyunjin. It’s just Seungmin.’. Hyunjin thought to himself.
…
“You want me to bring him home?” Hyunjin asked, staring at the unconscious boy laying face down on the couch.
“Yeap. You live quite close to each other anyway, why not?” Chan smiled at him, dimples forming at the side of his face. He was supporting a drunk Felix on one side and an equally drunk Changbin on the other. They did not call him ‘dad’ for no reason.
Hyunjin looked around the room, trying to find an alternative that he could offer Chan with. With the guilt still plaguing his heart, he did not think that letting him send Seungmin home without Felix’s consent was a good move, especially with his feelings. Jisung and Minho were lying on the sofa and Jeongin, who was staring at him with bright eyes. Jeongin could be a good option… but no. He will not let his child drive home alone at this time of the night, especially without an adult(?) to accompany him. But he could always drive Jeongin home, just so that he will not be alone with Seungmin.
“What about Jeongin?” Jeongin’s eyebrows raised at his question.
“Why?”
“You want me to drive you home as well?”
“It’s okay Hyung. My house is on the other side and it’s already late. I think I will crash at Chan’s today.” And with that, Jeongin got up and ran towards one of Chan’s guest rooms.
That is how Hyunjin got himself into the current situation.
Hyunjin tightened his grip on the steering wheel, he has made up his mind. Today was going to be the last day that he will love Seungmin, he will give up and move on for himself, for Seungmin and Felix. He will get over his feelings. He WILL get over Seungmin. His name, his voice, his presence will not have any effect on him anymore. He will feel happy from his heart while he watches at the side the progress of the relationship between Seungmin and Felix.
He turned to look at Seungmin, his eyes full of emotions which would not be here anymore after the end of the day. Hyunjin checked the time on his phone and found out that it was 23:48 and felt happy. He still had 12 more minutes to go. 12 more minutes to love Seungmin. 12 more minutes to go over his feelings before putting it behind him for good.
“Min.” Hyunjin called the sleeping figure, just to check that he was really asleep.
After getting no reaction from Seungmin, Hyunjin was relieved. If Seungmin was asleep, he would not hear what Hyunjin was about to say, which Hyunjin preferred it to be this way. He did not want to burden Seungmin with his feelings, so he rather talk to a sleeping Seungmin. At least he got to say it to the boy he loves.
“Min. I like, no, I love you. A lot. I know that this feeling is unwanted but I just wanted to tell you before I officially start the process of me getting over you. Min, I want you to know that you’re super super special to me, you will always have a special place in my heart in any status that you wish to be.
“I don’t know when it started but once I realised, I could only see you. Which scares me. I don’t want to be the one that destroys our friendship that we have with my unwanted feelings. I don’t want to ruin what we already have. But don’t worry Min. I will get over it soon. I will be the Hyunjin that is no longer whipped for you. It’s kinda your loss actually."
Hyunjin lets out a soft laugh and he can feel his face wet from tears. Look at what love does to you. Making you cry and laugh at the same time. Maybe loving someone was not for Hyunjin. He should just grow old alone with a few dogs. Hyunjin checked the time on his phone.
“Well, now it’s 11:53 I should say my last words before driving you home and then crying to my heart’s content before letting you go.
“Min, I love you a lot. I don’t think I can ever feel the same with anyone else. If you ever need someone, please do know that I will always be here for you, as your best friend. I wish you and Felix a beautiful relationship. I know that with Felix, you will be very happy. It’s so beautiful, your children will be pretty, I swear Min. I can already see it happening.”
Hyunjin blinks to stop himself from crying. He needs to be strong until he gets home, he cannot break down now. He can use an excuse of having a hangover tomorrow to stay home and cry for the whole day.
He leans over to the passenger seat of his car, and places a kiss on Seungmin’s forehead. He recalls from one of his random google searches that a kiss on the forehead symbolises pure love and a promise to always be there for the receiver.
As Hyunjin looks down, hoping to see Seungmin’s face one last time before driving the boy home, he almost has a heart attack.
Hyunjin should have known, from all the romcoms that he has intake throughout his life. There is no such thing as talking to a sleeping person because that person WILL NEVER BE ASLEEP. Hyunjin has his take of getting pissed off with the characters in the movies and called them stupid multiple times. It is probably karma, accumulated from the characters that he was pissed off with. This can be proven by the round doe eyes that are staring back at him right now.
“Hyuni, you should continue driving. The light has turned green.”