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Magnus wasn't exactly pleased.
It was his and Alec's first Christmas together and the first real stumbling block they had encountered in their relationship; because they celebrated in, as they were slowly beginning to realize, completely different ways.
As in, Magnus preferred to stay out of the celebrations all together.
Alec, however...
Alec was currently standing at the very top of the ladder poised in the middle of their living room, decorating the 12 foot tree he had insisted they needed to have and decorate themselves. It had quickly turned into a one man project instead, with Magnus standing off to the side pretending to be engrossed in last minute work.
And he wasn't pleased.
Alec had rejected all of Magnus’ offers to fly out to some secluded beach resort where holiday-ness was kept to an acceptable limit, and then he’d bought this tree and all the decorations for it and the rest of the apartment.
Magnus hated himself for it, but it was all too much.
He refused to voice his complaints out loud, but Alec had always been so in tune with him that Magnus had very little doubts that Alec knew perfectly well that he wasn’t enjoying any of this.
And then just as Magnus was beginning to think it couldn’t get any worse, Alec strolled into the kitchen that evening and announced that not only were they having dinner with his siblings on Christmas Eve, but that Alec and Magnus were actually hosting the dinner.
Magnus had forced a tight lipped smile and went back to prepping for dinner, ignoring Alec’s kiss to his cheek as he’d implored of Magnus to don't be such a scrooge.
Alec was so happy, and Magnus didn’t want to be the source of that happiness being destroyed. He didn’t want to see the heartbreak that would surely slash right across the smile Alec had had all season, if Magnus were to reveal that he was the biggest scrooge of them all.
He hated Christmas. But he couldn't tell Alec that. So he went on, albeit begrudgingly, with all of the festivities, telling himself that Alec being pleased would make the whole thing at least somewhat bearable.
It didn't.
And by the time Christmas Eve rolled around, Magnus was at the end of what little patience he had dug for to begin with. Alec didn't seem to notice, or if he did he just didn't acknowledge it. He prattled on about the most random things that Magnus didn't actually care about and doubted Alec did either, but it filled up the otherwise silent apartment as they got dinner ready for when Jace and Izzy arrived.
They did, all smiles and hugs and armfuls of presents with Magnus and Alec's names scribbled across them and well-wishes from the rest of Alec’s family.
Magnus loved Alec’s siblings. He really, truly did, even the cocky blonde one. But they matched, if not exceeded, Alec's temperament during the holidays.
Magnus didn’t think he could keep up with all three of them at once.
He managed to keep up the good pretenses all the way through the cluster that was small talk and exchanging presents and serving and sitting to eat dinner, until about halfway through when Izzy asked, "So, do you guys have any fun things planned for the rest of the holidays?"
And Alec launched into an animated description of all the things he had planned for him and Magnus- things he had undoubtedly told Magnus about at some point, but that Magnus flushed to realize he didn't recall at all. He suddenly felt constricted and in desperate need of an escape. He made to push his chair back and began excusing himself from the table, frantically searching for an excuse that wasn’t just that he needed to be literally anywhere but there at that moment.
Alec, of course, came after him. He found Magnus in their bedroom, leaning against his vanity, and shut the door behind him, locking it.
"What’s going on, Magnus?”
Magnus stared back at the cold frustration of Alec’s voice, unsure of exactly how he was supposed to proceed. His mouth opened, and closed. He had never heard Alec sound so... angry. Especially not directed towards him.
"I get it. I know you don't like the holidays, okay. And I... maybe I could've been a bit less... aggressive... in trying to-" Alec paused, looking at the floor as though he couldn’t bear to look at Magnus, and Magnus’ stomach twisted in knots. He felt sick.
"I just thought that. I don't know. Christmas has always been a really big thing in my life, and this year, I just... I really wanted to spend it with you. To share this with you. But you've pretty much spent the entire time making me regret that and I don't- I'm sorry, okay. I'll leave tomorrow and you can just... we'll just see each again next month or wh-"
"Alec, I don't want you to leave." Magnus said quickly, the horror of that prospect snapping him out of it.
He let out a shaky breath, very aware of Alec’s eyes on him; searching him as though desperately wanting to understand him for all of the words he knew he wasn’t saying, "It's not that I don't want you here. And I don't want you to leave, Alec. I just...”
“You just what?"
“Christmas isn’t… this time of year doesn’t hold many good memories for me.” Magnus said softly, “But I never meant to take any of that out on you, Alexander.”
Alec shook his head, “Magnus, I know that. What I don’t know, is why. Why are you so against doing- anything?” He asked, making a wide gesture in acknowledgement of the decorations strewn across their room.
“I want to understand.” Alec whispered into the space between them.
Magnus sighed. It felt like he was opening up a wound he had spent his entire life trying to close.
“Do you remember,” He began, “How I told you that my mother killed herself, when I was a child?”
Alec didn’t respond verbally, but Magnus saw the slight nod of his head as he urged him to go on.
“It happened only a few days before Christmas.” Magnus explained with his head hung low. He still felt the same sharp ache in his chest that he had felt that night he’d found her, laying across her bed unresponsive to his desperate attempts to wake her. He squeezed his eyes shut, willing the images to return to the deepest parts of his memory where he buried them.
Magnus felt hands envelope him. Alec, he realized, immediately mortified at the tears that had begun to fall. He turned himself enough to bury his face in Alec’s neck, uncaring for the fact that he was ruining both his makeup and Alec’s shirt.
"Magnus," Alec whispered, holding him tighter.
"Don't." He pleaded, "It's stupid. I shouldn't even care."
"It's not stupid." Alec said, "Nothing you feel is stupid, Magnus."
Except it was. His mother had left him, and here Magnus was, 22 years later with an amazing boyfriend who wanted to spend his favorite holiday with him. And he was sobbing in their bedroom unable to make it through a simple Christmas dinner over a woman who’d hated him so much that she’d taken her own life.
"Magnus, I'm so sorry." Alec said into his hair once Magnus’ crying had eased up enough to hear him.
Magnus sniffled, "I'm so sorry, Alec."
"I should have asked-“
“No, no.” Magnus insisted, “You were… having you here, with me. It’s the most I’ve enjoyed Christmas my entire life, Alec. I'm sorry for ruining your Christmas."
"You did not ruin Christmas." Alec said, "I love you. All this time I've been pushing you..."
"I love you, too.” Magnus said. He wiggled himself out of Alec’s grip, smiling for the pout Alec gave as he reluctantly let go enough to allow it. Magnus looked up at his boyfriend with all the earnest he could muster with mascara stained cheeks, "Please don't leave. I want you here. I always want you here."
“I always want to be here.” Alec told him, “Wherever you are.”
Magnus smiled.
It was a sentiment he returned.
And maybe, just maybe...
Maybe he could enjoy this Christmas.