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Am I evil?
Those words bounced around in Lee Minho’s mind as he rested against a cold brick wall, about to commit an blatantly evil act. Most people would be quick to say yes, but those people didn’t know him, nor do they know why he was doing it. Who he was doing it for. He had no choice but to do this, right?
Perhaps the three people behind the heavy metal door would disagree.
Minho stumbled upon Felix, Seungmin, and Hyunjin all at different times at various bars. Nothing in particular about any of the boys attracted him until he noticed an oddly shaped birthmark on each of their arms. This new discovery changed his attitude, and he suddenly rushed over to each person to introduce himself. Small talk was made, flirtatious comments were whispered, the idea of going back to Minho’s apartment was suggested, and the rest was history. Now, thanks to a sleeping pill that was discreetly slipped into each person’s drink, the boys sat in an abandoned warehouse, restrained by ropes that tightly bound their arms and feet together.
Minho took a deep breath before he entered the warehouse. The hostages’ eyes turned towards him as the door squeaked open and slammed shut. They began to tense up and shift around anxiously, waiting to see what would happen next. Minho could tell they were scared, but little did they know he was more nervous.
“You guys may be wondering why I’ve brought you here.” Minho strolled over to his hostages, feigning confidence. “One of you has caused my boyfriend an immense amount of pain, and we just can’t have that now can we?”
As he revealed the large knife that he was hiding behind his back, Hyunjin immediately burst into tears. The other two remained silent as they waited for their captor’s next move.
“Unfortunately, I’m not sure which one of you it is.” Minho walked over to Felix and cupped his face in his free hand. “Could it be you?”
Felix’s breathing picked up but he said nothing.
Minho sighed and moved over to his next victim, Seungmin. “Is it you then?”
Seungmin was too afraid to meet the older boy’s eyes. He could only shake his head, staring down at the concrete floor.
Minho walked over to Hyunjin, who still had tears running down his face. His body trembled with fear as Minho’s boots inched closer.
“Why are you crying? That means it must be you, right?”
The cries only got louder. It started to reach the point that Minho was worried someone from outside might hear.
“Hey, hey, stop crying.” Minho violently grabbed the sobbing boy’s neck, applying a bit more pressure than he intended. “If you don’t stop crying, I’m going to kill you first, okay? So be quiet.”
Struggling to breathe, Hyunjin nodded and attempted to choke back his sobs. Minho let go of him and walked back to the front of the room.
“I’m sorry, but I’m confused. What does your boyfriend’s pain have to do with any of us?” Felix nervously questioned.
Feelings of sorrow and pity ran through Minho as he thought about his boyfriend, Jisung and all the suffering he had to go through. All because of one of the boys behind him.
***
For as long as Minho has known Han Jisung, the younger boy has experienced the oddest relationship with pain. It was normal for him to encounter brutal internal pain that seemingly came out of nowhere. Random cuts and bruises would abruptly spring up all over his body. He spent most of his childhood shuffling from doctor to doctor, not one of them able to come up with a diagnosis for the mysterious injuries. Jisung felt like a burden, wondering what he could have done in his past life to be punished like this. Years of awful pain, left him feeling cursed and unlovable. Even when he met Minho, his best friend and eventual significant other, the feelings of worthlessness still remained. Minho felt ashamed that he couldn’t help his boyfriend, but still continued to support and comfort him in any way he could.
One day as the two boys were at the park, Minho had noticed that there was something different about Jisung. He kept playing with his fingers and staring out into space, as if something was bothering him. Minho didn’t have to wait long, however, until Jisung told him what was on his mind.
“Minho?” Jisung asked while looking up at the sky, hearing only the wind rustling the trees and the breathing of his partner.
“Hm?”
“I... I’ve been having these dreams.”
Minho sensed that this conversation was going to be more serious than what they were used to. He rolled over onto his stomach and studied Jisung’s face. “Oh? What happened?”
“They always start off with some random guy smiling. He’s smiling and laughing and… he just looks so happy. But…”
Jisung trailed off and stared into the sky, once again looking disturbed.
“But what?” Minho gently asked, brushing a section of his boyfriend’s hair out of his face.
Jisung’s hands moved to his arms, absent-mindedly running his fingers over the band-aids covering his old scars. “Every time he laughed or smiled, I kept getting these painful cuts on my body. I begged him to stop, but he just kept laughing and smiling and I couldn’t stop screaming and crying and…”
Minho watched Jisung’s lips press together tightly and noticed that his voice had started to tremble. Immediately, Minho moved over and pulled him into a hug, circling a warm palm against the other’s back.
“Shh, it’s okay. It was just a dream, and it’s over now.”
“But is it really ?”
Minho pulled back just enough to look into Jisung’s watery eyes. “Well, it’s not like your injuries are a result of someone else’s happiness, right?”
When Jisung stayed quiet and massaged his bandaged wounds frustratedly, Minho realized what his boyfriend was really trying to tell him.
“They are, aren’t they?” Minho whispered.
Jisung stared into the older boy’s eyes. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure they are.”
Unsure what else to say, “Wow” was the only word that Minho muttered. All Jisung’s life, he had wondered what could be imposing all these injuries onto him. Now, both boys finally seemed to be getting some sort of closure.
“How are you feeling, Jisung?”
“It’s weird. I feel like I’m closer to being able to fix myself, yet I don’t know where to even start with any of the information I have. All I know is that some random guy has control over the scars on my body and whether my stomach hurts.”
“Well, you said you saw the guy in your dreams, right? Do you know who it could be?” Minho asked.
“Not really. The face is always blurry, but there’s always a large birthmark on their arm.”
“Really,” Minho pondered on this, “a birthmark.”
“Yeah, it’s kinda shaped like a butterfly.”
Both boys chuckled, even though no one else would probably find it as funny as they did. As Jisung's face lit up, Minho observed the boy’s glowing expression. It wasn’t often the Jisung laughed, let alone smiled. The laughter quickly ended after Jisung let out a yelp, his hand flying to his face. The boy’s face contorted back into its regular expression of misery and he breathed heavily, trying to process what just happened.
“What? What happened?” Minho asked, even though he was sure he knew what was going on. His worries came true when Jisung moved his hand away, a thin scarlet stain left on his palm. A new cut had appeared on Jisung’s face, almost as if an invisible force had sliced him with a blade. The skin surrounding the wound started to turn red.
“It’s okay. I’ll be fine. Could you grab a band-aid from my backpack for me, please?”
Minho nodded and turned to his backpack, disappointed that Jisung’s smile had disappeared so quick. As he rummaged through his boyfriend’s bag, he made a silent promise to himself. He promised that one day, he was going to heal Jisung. He would do whatever it would take to finally make Jisung happy.
***
As years went by and the couple grew older, Jisung’s condition only got worse. One night, Minho had woken up to the sound of groaning and whining. When he blinked his eyes and his vision adjusted to the darkness, he saw his boyfriend hunched over on the bedroom floor. The pain was so violent that all he could do was squirm around. Minho thought it was one of those times where he would have to make some tea and grab a heating pad for him, but after Jisung threw up what looked like blood and last night’s supper, he knew that this was something more serious. The doctors wasted no time admitting him to the emergency room, thanking Minho from bringing his boyfriend in when he did. He’ll never forget when the doctors told him that if he had waited any longer, Jisung may have died.
Weeks went by and no formal diagnosis was given to whatever was wrong with the boy. Instead, Jisung laid in his hospital bed for most of the day, his frail body only moving to use the bathroom or eat a liquidy meal. Minho tried to visit him as often as possible, usually just sitting next to him and talking or feeding him his meal.
As Jisung stared at the TV one afternoon, Minho spent his time studying the different tubes that went in and out of his face and arms. He wondered what their functions were other than both making Jisung miserable, yet keeping him alive.
“Do these tubes hurt you, Sungie?” Minho asked, gently playing with the plastic.
Jisung turned slightly to his right to face Minho. “Well, it gets a bit uncomfortable sometimes, but not really. I’ve experienced worse.”
“Yeah, I guess you have.”
The two fell silent for a while and returned their attention back to whatever was on the television. Minho broke the silence with another question.
“How do you stay so strong?”
Minho saw Jisung think about the question for a bit. “This has been my life since I was a toddler. Although the pain has gotten worse over the years, I guess I’ve been slowly getting used to it. Besides, I have you, right?”
Minho melted and a smile spread across his face when Jisung put a warm, trembling hand to his cheek, letting it linger for a while. How could the world let something so evil happen to a boy so sweet?
“I really hate Butterfly Boy.” The older boy whispered to no one in particular.
“You don’t have to hate him.”
“But I do. I hate him for doing all of this to you.”
Jisung shrugged. “It’s not like he’s doing this on purpose. I just kinda have to deal with it.”
“Well, there’s a way you can avoid all of this.”
“Yeah, right.” The younger boy let out a chuckle, not even realizing that Minho was dead serious.
“There is! You said that each time this dude experiences happiness, you get hurt. So, what if he didn’t feel happiness, or perhaps anything at all?”
Silence fell upon the room as Jisung thought about what his boyfriend was suggesting. His face switched from confused to concerned after a few seconds. “Minho, what do you mean by that?”
Do I tell him? Minho wondered. Jisung probably wouldn’t be happy to hear about his plan to go out, find whoever “Butterfly Boy” was, and put an end to all of this.
“Nothing. Don’t worry about it.”
“Minho. ”
“I told you don’t worry about it. I’m not going to do anything.”
Jisung maintained eye contact with the older boy, not fully believing him. “Okay, sure, whatever you say. Just please don’t do anything stupid.”
“I won’t.”
“Promise?”
A soft smile crept onto Minho’s face. “I promise.”
“Do you also promise that you won’t bother Butterfly Boy?”
“What makes you think I’m going to bother him?”
Jisung scoffed and rolled his eyes. “I’m not stupid, Minho. Now, do you promise or not?”
Minho stayed quiet for a while, not sure how to respond. He didn’t want to say that he promised because he definitely wasn’t going to keep his word. If he said anything else, however, Jisung would flip .
“Minho! Do you promise?”
Minho leaned forward and gently kissed his boyfriend, stroking the side of his face. “I would never do anything to hurt you, Jisung. You know that.”
Too tired to continue, Jisung gave a weak smile and leaned back into his bed. “I know.”
“Good. Now, you need to rest. You’re supposed to have an operation in the morning.”
Jisung didn’t argue with that and quickly fell asleep, the beeping of the heart monitor slowing down. Minho eventually got up, turned off the TV, and slipped out of the hospital room to do exactly what his boyfriend didn’t want him to do.
***
“Don’t you guys understand?” Minho sighed, starting to grow more aggravated by the second. “Everytime one of you guys experiences happiness, he suffers for it. If you smile, he gets a scar. If you laugh, his insides seem to twist around. If you hug someone, he gets a bruise to the face.”
Enraged, Minho threw a nearby rusty chair to the ground. The clanging of the metal against the ground echoed around in the almost empty room, scaring the three hostages on the ground.
“I’m so sick of this! I’m so sick of seeing him in pain, so helpless and weak. Do you guys know he’s in the hospital right now? He barely has enough strength to even do something as simple as eat a meal! He’s so close to death, and I can’t lose him. I just can’t! Not now, not ever.”
The room started to spin and Minho’s lost focus of his surroundings. He felt an odd combination of anger and anxiety, and he couldn’t tell whether he was trembling with rage or with fear.
“This is the only way I can save him -- the only way I can end all of this.” Minho said to no one specifically. Perhaps he was comforting and reassuring himself.
Minho gripped the handle of the large knife until his knuckles went completely pale and turned towards his victims. “I’m sorry guys, but there’s no more discussing this. It’s over.”
The three hostages began to flail around, thrashing their limbs around as far as the ropes would let them. “Help! HELP!” All the hostages began to shout at once, pausing once in a while to inhale a sharp, panicky breath. Minho silently watched them, amused by their attempts of escaping. Didn’t they know there was no way out? No one to hear their cries?
His thoughts were interrupted when he heard a sob escape from Hyunjin’s throat. The boy’s shoulders shook as giant tears rolled down his face. His whimpers sounded like he was choking, and the noise was beginning to annoy Minho.
Minho quickly walked up to Hyunjin, pinning him down to the ground and pointing the blade to his chest. “What did I say about the sobbing?”
“Please, no! No, no, no…!” the younger boy begged and squirmed, not even trying to soften his sobs. His shouts only got louder as Minho put more pressure on the blade, piercing the skin.
Unfortunately, Hyunjin’s infinite amount of pleas had no impact on Minho. All he could see was a harsh red as he lost control of his body. Blood curdling screams went unregistered in Minho’s mind. As he moved from Hyunjin to Seungmin, and eventually reaching Felix, all the cries had died down to an eerie, yet comfortable silence. When his adrenaline rush had ended and Minho’s clear vision was restored, his gaze fell upon the lifeless bodies tied up on the ground, red splotches bleeding through their clothes. Had he really done this?
His hands trembled after he lifted them and saw the crimson stains on his palms, evidence that he really did go through with it. Maybe they were right; maybe all of this wasn’t necessary. All of his self-doubting thoughts went away quickly when he thought of a smiling Jisung, however. Now, he can live his life normally. He can be happy, and that’s all Minho wants for him. For Jisung to be truly happy.
“This was all for you. For us.” Minho dropped the knife and wiped his hands on his shirt, exiting the warehouse and closing the door on the unfortunate victims.
***
Minho slowly opened the door to Jisung’s hospital room, cringing when the door let out an annoying creak. He expected to see the boy asleep as he had last seen him, but instead he was awake, sitting on the edge of the bed with head buried in his hands.
“Hi.” Minho nervously whispered, shutting the door behind him. When Jisung didn’t respond to his greeting or ever turn his head to look at him, he started to panic. Had something awful happened when he was gone? Could it be more bad news from the doctor? Perhaps Jisung knew about what he did, but how could that be possible? He exchanged his blood-stained outfit for a fresh, new one, and had even taken a shower before coming back to the hospital. There’s no way he could know, right?
“Jisung,” Minho inched over to the side of the bed, gently sitting next to his boyfriend. “How are you feeling?”
“Great. I feel great.” He muttered sharply, refusing to look anywhere else but the tiled ground.
Minho laughed nervously. “I can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic or not.”
“I’m not. I mean it. I feel greater than I have in years.”
“Then what’s the matter? Shouldn’t you be happy or something?”
“Are you serious?” Jisung scoffed, finally looking up at Minho with a disgusted look.
“Yes, I’m serious! What’s wrong with you?”
“What’s wrong with me ? The problem is that I feel great!” Jisung angrily shouted a little too loud, pushing himself up from the bed. “The fact that I feel great means you didn’t listen to me! You betrayed me! I told you-”
“Sungie, can we please talk about this in the morning?” Minho tried to reach for the other’s hand, but Jisung quickly moved it out of his reach.
“No!” he paced around, “I can’t believe you went through with it-”
“Jisung-”
“You really killed him, didn’t you? You killed Butterfly Boy.”
“Jisung, please-”
“How could you do such a thing?”
Minho angrily pushed himself up from the bed, moving towards Jisung. “I did it for you!” he raged. “I did it because I love you and it killed me to see you slowly dying!”
“Oh, did you really? Because I specifically remember telling you not to do this. Minho, I trusted you! Oh my gosh, my boyfriend’s a murderer...”
“I wanted you to be happy!”
“I am happy! What makes you think I’m not already happy when I have you?”
Tears were brimming both the boys’ eyes at this point. Minho swiped at the ones that rolled down his reddening cheeks. “Come on, we both know that I’m not enough.”
“Why would you say such a thing? Of course you’re enough!”
“Jisung, I know you. As long as that boy kept hurting you, you would never be happy. It hurt to see you like that and it hurt even more to think that there was nothing I could do to make you truly happy.”
“So you killed someone?” Jisung spat out angrily.
“Who cares about that? It doesn’t matter, don’t you see? Now, you can live a mostly pain-free life. I don’t get it, you’re supposed to be feeling happiness!”
“Is this happiness? Standing here yelling at each other? You being a criminal and me carrying the guilt? Is this what you wanted for me? For us ?”
Minho froze, uncertain on how to respond to this. Jisung was right; this isn’t happiness. Although getting rid of those boys might have ended Jisung’s internal pain, he still wasn’t happy. Once again, he had failed his boyfriend. How could he have gotten it so wrong ?
After seconds went by without a response, Jisung broke down. He slowly sank to the ground and started to sob, covering his face with his hands. It didn’t take long for Minho to start to cry, as well.
“I’m sorry, Sungie.” Minho’s voice trembled. “I messed up. I messed up bad.”
A heavy silence fell upon the room, only to be disturbed by the occasional sounds of sniffling and sharp inhales. Many questions lingered in the air between the two, but there was only one important one that Jisung had the bravery to confront.
“Now what?” He weakly asked, lifting himself from the cold tiles and avoiding the older boy’s eyes. “You know the police will be looking for you, right?”
“I… I guess they might.” Minho wiped the tear stains once again from his cheeks.
“What if they come looking for me and ask me questions?”
Minho let out a shaky breath as he reflected on the mess he had gotten himself into. Although he was unsure of what exactly to do next, he knew he was going to have to do it alone. He wasn’t going to mess this up for Jisung again.
“I’ve gotta get out of here. Leave the city, leave the country. I don’t know where I’m going but it needs to be far away from here.”
Minho’s heart grew heavy when he saw a terrified expression on Jisung’s face. There was nothing more he wanted to do but to hold him close and assure him that everything would be okay. Anything to wipe the frown off his face.
“What?” Jisung whimpered, “You’re going to leave me here?”
“It’s for your own good. For our own good.”
“When am I going to see you again?”
“I don’t know. Maybe never.”
Tears started to form in Jisung’s eyes. “Minho! You can’t be serious...”
Minho moved over to Jisung and placed a single, light kiss on his cheek. “You should delete my number. Delete our texts. Throw away all my stuff. Please, just try to get rid of any connections between us. I don’t want you to somehow get in trouble for my mistake.”
“You… you want me to forget you?” Jisung asked, his voice quivering with both anger and distress, “After all we’ve been through together? I can’t believe you!”
Minho started to grab stuff that he had left behind over the course of days in the hospital room, making his way towards the door and trying to ignore the soft cries of the other boy. Before stepping out of the room, he turned around to face his boyfriend one last time.
“Bye, Jisung.”
“You can’t leave me! I need you!” Jisung argued through tears, unable to move from his spot in the middle of his hospital room.
“I love you.” Minho whispered, afraid that if he said anything else he might start crying again.
“No, you don’t! If you did, you wouldn’t leave me here!”
Minho winced at Jisung’s sharp words, but gently shut the hospital door behind him. As he made his way to the elevators, he could hear Jisung wailing and shouting out his name through the walls. As much as he wanted to turn around, he knew he couldn’t do that anymore. He had made his bed, now he had to lay in it, even though he had no idea where this bed was nor where it would take him.
Minho took a deep breath as the elevator doors closed, the view of the dingy hospital floor narrowing until it disappeared. “This is for you. For us.”