Archive of Our Own

2018

Growing up, Zhengting always thought that snow was beautiful. It was white and fluffy, and Zhengting could roll around in it when there was enough of it, building snowmen with his friends, and dumping handfuls of the stuff down eachother’s jackets until they were all screaming with glee in the cold. Even better, after he was done playing, his mother would always be ready for him with a hot mug of tea and, sometimes, even one of those sugar filled buns that always made his hands and mouth sticky after eating them.

But now, trudging through the stuff while trying to get to his next class, he didn’t think that so much anymore.

“This is fucking bullshit,” he muttered to a grinning You Zhangjing. “Who created snow? Who thought this was a good idea?”

“Zhengting, you’ve been rambling about this since last week,” Zhangjing said, puffing his red cheeks out and snuggling down into the striped sky blue and grapefruit scarf he had wrapped around his neck. “I thought that you would realize how dumb you sound by now.”

Zhengting ignored him, and instead spied at his friend’s scarf. “Where did you get that? I’ve never seen you wear that before.”

“Yanjun gave it to me,” Zhangjing said delicately, then pulled up ahead, leaving Zhengting gaping.

“Lin Yanjun?”

“No, Zhu Yanjun, dumbass.” Zhangjing rolled his eyes, but his cheeks were redder than ever. “What other Yanjun is there?”

Zhengting thought of the handsome boy with the deep dimples who everyone seemed to have had a crush on at one point in their lives. He shared an English class with him once, but all he knew was that he’s friends with-

Don’t , a nasally, horribly annoying voice in his head reminded him. Don’t ruin your mood with the thought of him .

Then, he remembered why he was thinking of Lin Yanjun in the first place.

“He gave you that scarf?!” Zhengting yelped, and Zhangjing flushed even more. 

“Say that any louder and I’ll gut you,” Zhangjing hissed, yanking him by the arm and tugging him along. “I knew I shouldn’t have walked with you to Ziyi’s Christmas Party-”

His words were cut off as he slipped on a patch of ice, and promptly dragged himself as well as Zhengting into the snow.

Zhengting sighed as his cheek cooled on a patch of snow. 

Fuck snow.

***

They made it to Ziyi’s party in the end with relatively few bruises and scrapes, though both of them were quite wet from the melting snow, and Zhengting could barely feel his fingers from how many times he had had to brace himself on the slick ice to stop him and his friend from falling even more. However, even if he hadn’t come out unscathed, it was worth it for all the interrogating he got to do with Zhangjing. By the end of it, Zhangjing’s ears and cheeks were bright red -- not just from the cold --, and Zhengting was infinitely pleased that he had chosen to walk to Ziyi’s dorm rather than just ask Yanchen to drive him or something.

Ziyi opened the door when they knocked with a wide smile; the music was already pumping, Christmas music slamming into Zhengting as soon as he glanced inside. “You’re here!”

“Merry Early Christmas,” Zhengting said, and handed him the present he had prepared for him. “You’re wearing the ugly sweater Yanchen got you!” 

Ziyi laughed. “Christmas isn’t Christmas without ugly sweaters, is it?”

“Christmas isn’t Christmas without food either,” Zhangjing said dryly, handing him his own present and giving him a hug. “Do you have food?”

“What kind of person am I, throwing a party without food?”

***

True to Ziyi’s word, Zhangjing didn’t need to worry about food. 

Ziyi had prepared a table full of yummy food that his roommate, a super buff guy in nursing with Zhengting who went by Jeffrey, had cooked up, and all along the walls were packs of beer and champagne and other fancy alcohols that only Ziyi and Jeffrey could afford. Zhangjing immediately went over to where Yanjun and Xingjie were chatting on the other side of the room, smiling at both Yanjun as well as the plates of food on the table.

Zhengting stuck with Ziyi and winked at Xingjie for the boy to join them, and when he came over, Zhengting grinned and whispered in his ear, “Don’t disturb them. Zhangjing is wearing a scarf Yanjun gave him.”

They all snickered.

This was his first holiday party since college started, and Zhengting made sure to take advantage of it. He danced with Jeffrey and Ziyi and Xingjie, nodding to the music and drinking and eating, having an altogether great time. Some of his other girl friends were here too, Chengxiao and Jieqiong dancing with each other in the corner, Yuxin and Keran and Jiaqi and Xueer and all the other girls that Zhengting thought were too cool to know him talking amongst themselves. It was warm and happy, and they reminded Zhengting of the parties he and Wenjun and Chengcheng and Justin used to go to back in high school. 

“Who are we missing?” Zhengting shouted over the music. “Yanchen?”

“Yanchen and Zhou Rui,” Xingjie called back. “They just texted me. They’re almost here. I think Chaoze and Dinghao are getting here sometime soon as well.”

As if Xingjie’s words were some sort of signal, Zhengting heard the doorbell ring. 

“I got it!” Zhengting grinned at a dancing Ziyi and Xingjie. “Let me be the host for once.”

“It’s probably Yanchen,” Xingjie commented. “He speeds his motorcycle if he’s trying to get to a party.”

Zhengting laughed, already reaching for the doorknob. “I’ll be sure to lecture him then-”

He stopped.

Because standing in front of him wasn’t just Yanchen. It wasn’t even just Yanchen and Zhou Rui.

It was Cai Xukun.

***

“You motherfucker,” Zhengting growled to Yanchen in the bathroom. He pinned him up against the wall, glaring at him with the scariest face he could make. “I told you even. Don’t bring Cai Xukun. If he comes, I don’t go. Vice versa.”

Yanchen was pretty under Ziyi’s bright bathroom lights, the shadows across his face accentuating the dark, slightly smudged black makeup around his eyes. He grinned, teeth brutally white. “I don’t remember this.”

“Fuck you,” Zhengting snapped, clenching at his arm harder. “I loathe him and you bring him to a party without even giving me a warning beforehand.”

Yanchen rolled his eyes, pushing himself out of Zhengting’s grasp to lean him against the door. For anyone else, perhaps Yanchen would be flirting with him. And perhaps he was -- they were all freshmen still, anything was possible --, but Zhengting didn’t have the presence of mind to particularly care. “Aren’t you being a little dramatic for seeing someone who you literally live with?”

Zhengting clenched his teeth. “ Fuck you .”

Yanchen blew him a kiss. “He wanted to come. And it’s rude not to invite him. You literally share the exact same group of friends as him; what did you think would happen.”

Zhengting opened his mouth to retort, but Yanchen smirked at him, and all of a sudden, he realized that he was right. Xukun was best friends with Ziyi. He was music buddies with Xingjie. Sometimes, Zhengting would come home to find Yanchen and Xukun playing a video game in the living room. Yanjun ate with Xukun at lunch. 

Zhengting closed his eyes and mentally swore. It was his fault for choosing to befriend the very same group of friends Xukun was part of. It was even more so his fault for having literally the shittiest luck in the world and somehow, out of all the freshmen in Dachang University, getting picked to room with the asshole. 

“Calm down,” Yanchen chided. “It’s not like he’s your ex-boyfriend or anything. Just chill and have some fun. Kunkun is fun, I swear.”

“He wasn’t so fun when he spilt coffee all over my shirt on the first day of school,” Zhengting muttered. “Or when he glared at me and told me that I was supposed to pay him back for somehow making him spill his stupid coffee and scalding me ?”

Yanchen looked at him, amusement in his eyes. “You’re still mad about that?”

“He’s also just an all around asshole,” Zhengting huffed. “I tried and tried again to be friends with him, or even just be a good roommate to him, but he’s such a jerk. He got mad at me the other day for touching his bed, when I was literally just trying to clean out all the dust in his room.” 

Yanchen smiled knowingly. “Kunkun doesn’t like when you sit on his bed.”

“And,” Zhengting continued, “He’s so ungrateful and uncompromising. Do you know how hard it is to live with a guy who won’t turn his fucking music down at three in the morning, and tells you that you should buy earplugs rather than just turn it down a bit? And also just gives you the foulest look in the world when you’re just trying to make sure all of you are alive?”

Yanchen was laughing now, holding his stomach as he leaned against the bathroom wall. “Maybe you guys need to talk about this rooming situation. It’s been how many months now? Four?”

“I will when he stops being a jerk and also talks to me with respect.” Zhengting scowled.

“You are so petty,” Yanchen laughed again. He moved away from the door and grasped Zhengting’s arm, eyes filled with mirth. “But Zhengting, what did you want to do now? Any longer, and all of our friends are going to think that we’re fucking in here. Or is that your goal?”

Zhengting scowled darker.

“Now, now,” Yanchen soothed. “Xukun is literally the biggest party pooper. He won’t do anything other than stand in a corner and drink. Trust me, this is what he does every party. Just pay him no attention.” He grinned. “At least until you have to go home and live with him again.”

Zhengting groaned, but conceded and pulled open the bathroom door.

“And Zhengting?” Yanchen called. Zhengting turned to look at him.

Yanchen’s cheeks were pink, flushed with mischievousness and amusement. “The music we’re listening to tonight is made by him.”

Fuck .

He hated how catchy he found it.

***

Fortunately, true to Yanchen’s word, Zhengting didn’t have to see Xukun for much of the night. 

Zhengting left the bathroom and headed straight towards Chaoze and Dinghao, Zhangjing’s friends who had just arrived. Zhou Rui later joined them, flanked by his friend Keyin, and Zhengting had a good night chatting to them about holiday plans and ideas on what to do in the coming year. 

Only once did he glance to the corner, and saw, just as Yanchen had predicted, a brooding boy, with dark hair and large eyes, surveying the dance floor with a red solo cup pressed to his lips. He had on a dark blue sweater and black jeans, and Zhengting wanted to scoff.

Festive, much?

But then, Xukun glanced at him, and Zhengting quickly turned away, annoyed all of a sudden that he paid Cai Xukun more attention than he already had with living with him and avoiding him the best he could.

Cai Xukun was what Zhengting liked to call an asshole and jerk, self-centered and annoying. Zhengting didn’t like him, and Xukun definitely wasn’t fond of him. They stayed away from each other the best they could, even if they couldn’t prevent the accidental meetings in the middle of the night when both of them needed to grab water, or the sudden arrival home while the other was watching television. 

But then, Yanchen was shoving a cup into his hands, the alcohol fumes coming from it so strong that Zhengting almost coughed when he smelled it. “Drink up, bitch! It’s Christmas! It’s the holidays! Act like it!”

I don’t remember vodka being a Christmas tradition , Zhengting wanted to say, but he drank it anyway, and he danced and he yelled and he sang just like Yanchen had wanted him to. It was fun, which, Zhengting supposed, was the point.

Zhengting danced and drank until he couldn’t seem to remember what was happening around him anymore. All he could grasp were the pops as people uncorked champagne, the jingle of the Christmas song mixtape all around him, and the yelling and singing of the bodies all around them.

And then-

***

Zhengting woke up in a warm bed, the soft linen sheets under his cheek the first thing he felt. 

He blinked up at the ceiling. It was morning, white light filtering through his window.

What happened? he thought groggily. Then, immediately after, ow .

He winced as a stabbing pain raced through his skull.

Oh right. Ziyi and Jeffrey’s party .

Zhengting groaned and flipped onto his side. He realized suddenly that while he still was dressed in the clothes he had on last night, his shoes were off, and his jacket was draped over the chair in his room. Zhengting couldn’t for the life of him remember doing so himself, though.

He reached for his phone, squinting and blinking away the pounding headache in his skull. 

A series of text messages greeted him.

Ziyi: text me when u wake up

Zhangjing: babe r u home safe? i saw u leave with xukun

Yanchen: text me if u get laid ;)

Zhengting frowned.

I saw you leave with Xukun .

Zhengting frowned even harder.

He had left with Xukun? Had he been drunk enough to tolerate him?

Carefully, Zhengting crept out of bed. It was snowing again outside, the frost painting everything in white, but with how red the sun was and how low it was on the horizon, he thought he could assume that it was early enough that the other man didn’t wake yet. He probably should go drink some water as well. 

He paused as he straightened again. There was a bottle of water on his bedside table.

Huh .

Maybe he didn’t need to go drink water in the kitchen after all.

Zhengting crept out of his room, sneaking over across the hall and taking a peek inside.

Just as he expected, Cai Xukun was sprawled across his bed, his face mushed into his pillow and hair messed up on his head. He was sleeping soundly, his breathing even and deep. 

Zhengting spent a few moments just standing there, staring at the boy who had apparently taken him home last night after the party. He was still dressed, so nothing must have happened between the two of them, right? 

Well, Xukun was kind enough to take him back, he supposed. For some reason, the thought wasn’t an unpleasant one, at least, it wasn’t until Zhengting realized that perhaps the man would use this against him in the future.

Oh fuck, he remembered. He’s seen me drunk now .

Zhengting groaned and turned away from Xukun, creeping back to his room, deciding that he would drink the water and go back to bed for a while. There was no use considering what made Xukun take him home like that.

***

“Xukun,” Zhengting pouted over the rim of his red solo cup, eyes large and watery. “Why do you suck so much? Why did you spill coffee on me and blame it on me?”

Xukun sighed, sipping at his own drink. “Do you ever get bored of asking me that?” He peered at the pretty boy with the sparkling eye makeup and slipping shirt that exposed his collarbones. If he wasn’t so annoying, perhaps Xukun would have had a crush on him like the rest of their class seemed to have.

“Xukun, you’re so mean,” Zhengting said, near tears now. 

God, he’s so drunk , Xukun thought. Then, as sort of an afterthought, he cries when he’s drunk.

“I literally hate you,” Zhengting wailed. “You’re so mean to me all the time, and it’s so annoying having to live with you and your nitpicking ass.”

Xukun rolled his eyes and looked up to see that Ziyi was close to them now, tucking an arm around his shoulders to support Zhengting’s swaying form.

“He’s drunk,” Ziyi commented.

“Nice observation skills,” Xukun responded dryly.

“Maybe he wouldn’t hate you this much if you weren’t such a smartass all the time.”

“Please. I don’t need the approval of an annoying, rambling, petty guy who thinks that everyone in the world adores him.”

Ziyi laughed. “You know better than I do that Zhengting has no idea how many people like him.”

Xukun didn’t comment.

“Anyways, I’d rather not have him throw up on my carpet. Take him home for me, will you?”

Xukun frowned. “And quit your party?”

“You weren’t doing shit anyways,” Ziyi retorted. “You only came because Yanchen lied to you, didn’t you?”

“I had music to write,” Xukun said delicately.

“You always have music to write,” Ziyi sighed. He clapped him on the shoulder, voice softer now. “Xukun, take him home for me, okay? And sleep more, will you? Just relax a bit. It’s… it’s the holidays after all.”

Xukun had nothing to say.

He took Zhengting from Ziyi’s shoulder and, as Ziyi had asked him to do, half dragged, half carried him out of the apartment. Yanchen and Xingjie grinned at him as he left, but he rolled his eyes at them and left without saying bye. He called a taxi and then dragged Zhengting all the way up the stairs into their shared dorm room on the third floor of their building, hearing Zhengting sniffle and cry and whine about the most random things in his ears the entire time.

Xukun considered himself a master at knowing what to do with a drunk person, so when he tucked him into bed after taking his jacket and shoes off, and leaving a bottle of water where he could reach it, he stood, mildly pleased with himself that he had done what Ziyi had asked. 

But then he stopped.

Zhengting’s eyes were half lidded, his cheeks pink and flushed, his fingers tugging the blankets over himself like a child. He glanced up at Xukun, still pouting, as he had done all night. 

For some reason, Xukun was more affected than he should have been.

“Xukun,” Zhengting whined softly, his voice stuffy from drunkenness and sleep. “You’re so pretty, did you know that? Why are you such a meanie when you’re so pretty?”

Xukun swallowed. 

“Merry Christmas, Zhengting,” he said softly.

He made sure to turn the lights off when he left the room.

2019

Christmas was even better this time around, and Zhengting thought that that was because now, in his second year of college, he had even more people that he loved around him.

Jiaqi, Keyin, and Keran were skating with Yanchen and Zeren. Wenjun and Xingjie were helping Chengcheng readjust his skates. Zhangjing and Yanjun weren’t here, but Zhengting suspected that they were having a different type of fun in Yanjun’s apartment. 

Zhengting shivered. They had been skating for four hours now, if his watch was still correct, and Zhengting couldn’t feel his feet anymore with how cold they were. 

“Are you done for today?” Ziyi’s voice wafted over to him. Zhengting turned and saw Ziyi holding two paper cups of hot tea. Zhengting took the one offered to him gratefully. 

“Maybe,” Zhengting said, blowing at the hot liquid. “I’m so cold.”

Ziyi hummed. Zhengting watched as Chengcheng caught sight of them and ambled over, his every movement awkward and endearing. “Zhengting, are you leaving?”

Zhengting smiled fondly at how Chengcheng’s scarf perfectly matched the colour of his cheeks. “Maybe. I’m a bit tired from dance rehearsals too.”

Chengcheng nodded. “When’s the performance again?”

“In two days,” Zhengting said gently, then pouted. “Did you forget?”

Chengcheng rolled his eyes. “You’ve been rambling to Justin and I for weeks about it now. I couldn’t forget it if I wanted to.”

Ziyi pat Chengcheng on the back, grinning knowingly. “How is Justin, by the way. Do you miss him at all from high school? I want to meet this kid who gets you worked up so much.”

Chengcheng’s ears went red.

***

“You should thank me sometime for driving you home all the time,” Xingjie commented, a few blocks away from Zhengting’s dorm.

Zhengting smiled around the mug of tea Ziyi had given him; it was still warm. “Thank you, Jie-ge. I love you.”

“You better.” Xingjie pulled up to their apartment, killing the engine and turning to Zhengting. His hair was a bit matted to his forehead from all the skating earlier, his cheeks oddly red against his usually pale skin. “You have dance practice tomorrow?”

“Seven AM,” Zhengting confirmed. “Last second prepping for the performance.”

“That’s rough. Good luck, man.”

“I know you ’ ll be there. Xiao Gui is performing with Keyin there too, isn’t he.”

Xingjie flushed, glaring at him. “Now is when I kick you out of this car.”

Zhengting laughed, already halfway outside. “Love you too.”

“Merry early Christmas.”

“Sentimental, are we now?”

Zhengting waved to him as he drove off, then began to make his way up the stairs, his legs aching from both practice as well as skating, already planning what he would do tonight. Perhaps he would call Justin and update him about everything; it was Christmas time anyways. And then after that, he would call his sister and see if she got his gift yet. Then maybe he would eat that box of cookies Zhangjing gave him and go to bed.

But when he got into the apartment and shut the door behind him, he realized that he would do none of the above.

The apartment was ice cold, forcing a shudder through Zhengting’s body as he toed off his shoes. He frowned, hands going to the heater beside the door. Cold.

Is Xukun not home? he wondered, switching it on. Carefully, he crept to Xukun’s room, stealing a glance inside.

Xukun was seated at his desk, his back pointed towards the door, wrapped in a blanket as he poked away at his computer. There were a pair of headphones clamped on his ears, and he had his glasses on too, but all Zhengting could care about for a moment was how damn cold his room was.

He took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

Xukun jerked, swivelling around. “Zhengting?”

“Who else would it be?” Zhengting allowed himself to push the door open a bit, sticking his head in and making the best expression he could muster for Cai Xukun. “Why is it so cold in here?”

Xukun blinked. He didn’t seem like he was going to kick him out, but then again, now that Zhengting was thinking about it harder, he hadn’t officially “kicked him out” of his room for a good year now. In fact, they rarely interacted enough to even have the opportunity. Zhengting supposed that that was his fault, being so busy with everything at school and just not probing at Xukun at every opportunity now, but then again, it was a bit disappointing still how shut-off and standoffish Cai Xukun still was. Still a jerk .

“I forgot to turn the heat on,” Xukun said, after a slight pause. “You’re home early.”

“I have dance practice early tomorrow morning, and good thing I got home early.” He crossed the room in two strides and put his hands on his hips, scowling at him. “Do you want to turn into a chunk of ice? It’s so fucking cold in here that I can’t take off my parka, and you’re sitting here in a hoodie and a blanket?”

Xukun blinked again. He really does have large eyes, Zhengting thought, watching the way his lashes fluttered over his cheeks. 

“I forgot,” Xukun responded, as if he hadn’t just said that.

Zhengting sighed. “And then you complain about me . You would literally die without me taking care of his apartment.”

To his surprise, Xukun didn’t have any smartass rebuttal. In fact, he didn’t really seem like Cai Xukun at all, if Zhengting looked at him closely. Xukun looked tired, dark eye circles cutting on his cheeks, and while Xukun always seemed a bit sleep deprived and grouchy, today was different. It was different because he didn’t seem just physically tired; the softer way he looked at Zhengting was like he was exhausted from something, utterly unable to do anything else. It was unsettling, almost, how little firepower and passion Cai Xukun had at the moment; for a fleeting second, Zhengting wanted the normal Cai Xukun back.

Xukun sneezed. Zhengting sighed. 

He left the room, Xukun following him with his eyes, and when he returned, he had two mugs of hot water in both hands and a paper packet clenched between his teeth.

“What are you doing?” Xukun asked, suddenly apprehensive. It was more like the Cai Xukun he knew. 

“Making stuff,” he said between the packet in his teeth.

“Making what?” Xukun peered at Zhengting setting the mugs down on the table. “What’s in that packet?”

“Hot chocolate,” Zhengting explained. He ripped it open with his teeth and dumped half of the packet in each mug. “Heard of it before?”

Xukun scoffed. “Can you not be snarky for one second?”

Zhengting raised his eyebrows at him. “Do you hear who’s talking?”

“Fair.”

Zhengting watched out of the corner of his eye as Xukun leaned in closer, peering at Zhengting stirring the contents of each mug with a pair of chopsticks, then adding marshmallows to the top from a bag. Though he had brushed aside the concern earlier, Zhengting could see that he really was cold, his entire form shivering under the thin blanket he had wrapped around himself. “Why didn’t you go skating with us today?”

“You wanted me there?” Xukun raised his eyebrows.

Zhengting sighed. “Can you not do this for one minute?”

“Okay, okay. I had music to write, that’s all.” Xukun gestured vaguely to his monitor. “I wanna get this done in the next week or two.”

Zhengting looked at the screen. He didn’t do much music, but from the looks of it, it seemed complicated. Too much work for the holidays .

“Aren’t you working a bit too hard for the holidays?” he asked. “Classes are over! You get to have fun now.” A thought came to him. “Are you leaving this year for the holidays?”

Last year, Zhengting had taken the bus back to his hometown, and had spent Christmas Eve with his parents at his older sister’s house. He had also gone to Chengcheng’s big, fancy house the day after to spend time with him and Justin and Wenjun. He hadn’t really paid attention to what his roommate was doing, but now that he thought about it, Xukun was still in the dorms when Zhengting got back, a week later.

“No,” Xukun said gruffly. “I’m not.”

“No parents or family to see?” Zhengting probed. “My sister would kill me if I didn’t at least call her on Christmas.”

Xukun was silent for a long moment. “No. My parents are dead.”

Zhengting froze. His finger slipping into the chocolatey interior of one of the mugs.

“They died in a car accident when I was seven,” Xukun said again, softly, moments later. He was still looking at the mugs in Zhengting’s hands, hands clenching at the blankets wrapped around him. “I was raised by my grandmother, but she died a year before college started. I don’t really have anyone else.”

“Oh, Xukun-” Zhengting started, then stopped. He swallowed, peered at Xukun’s pensive face. “I’m so sorry.”

Xukun shook his head roughly. “Don’t be. It’s been so long already. But yeah… I never really plan anything special for the holidays. I don’t really have anyone to see or wish, so might as well get ahead on some projects I have.”

Zhengting thought about his own Christmas’s, filled with candy and candles and stockings filled with presents. His parents stuffing him with dumplings. Justin and Chengcheng dragging him along to sing Christmas carols early in the morning in front of Wenjun’s house. He thought about how different it must have been for Xukun, spending Christmas’s all alone, glued to a computer while the rest of the world celebrated because… he didn’t have anyone to celebrate with. 

Maybe that’s why he’s so prickly, he thought. He doesn’t have anyone .

He swallowed. “Well, don’t worry, because I’ll be here to celebrate with you this year.”

Xukun frowned. “What?”

“I’m not going home this year,” Zhengting explained. He handed a mug of chocolate to Xukun, who took it carefully and daintily. “My parents and sister are going to be at Qingdao for the winter, and Justin is coming here to spend the holidays with Cheng, Wenjun, and I. So I’ll be here.”

Xukun squinted at him. “Don’t you have anything to do on Christmas?”

Zhengting shuffled around on the ground, sipping at his hot chocolate. “Nothing really. I was gonna give you a heads up anyways, since Chengcheng and Justin might come over Christmas Eve and hang out, but that doesn’t really prevent you from spending it with us, does it?”

Xukun gaped. “You would spend Christmas with me?” He paused, spluttered. “Don’t we hate each other though?” His eyes were large and wide, his black hair a bit too long with how it fell over his forehead and reddened cheeks. 

Inexplicably, despite his dislike for the other boy, a seed of warmth grew in Zhengting’s chest. He shook himself hard, then grinned. “I am willing to put aside my differences for a week. Consider it a holiday present.”

“Okay.” Xukun sipped at his drink.

“Then it’s settled?” Zhengting asked. For some reason, he couldn’t help but peer at the other boy, an indescribable hope that Cai Xukun would say something more clawing its way out of him. 

“Yes.” Then, softer, gentler. “Thanks, Zhengting.”

“No problem. What are roommates for?” 

They spent the rest of the evening in silence, both of them sipping slowly at the cooling chocolate in their hands. There were the sounds of bells and yells just outside of their dorm room, but inside, it was peaceful, and Zhengting found himself enjoying the presence of his frustrating, mildly cute roommate. 

He didn’t call Justin in the end, but he was okay with that.

***

Zhengting was pretty on stage, but then again, he was pretty offstage too.

Xukun watched from the back of the auditorium as Zhengting danced his routine on the stage. There was fake snow floating all around the room, and Xukun sneezed as too much glitter got in his nose.

“Fancy seeing you here.” Xukun turned and saw Zhou Yanchen coming towards him, grinning widely. “Cai Xukun, enjoying himself at a dance performance?”

“Shut up,” Xukun said delicately. “I was passing by.”

“Sure you were,” Yanchen scoffed. He took a seat beside Xukun, leaning on Xukun much too intimately, but Xukun was used to it. This was Zhou Yanchen, after all. “Who are you here to see? You can tell me, it’s okay.”

Xukun jerked. “What are you talking about?”

Yanchen looked at him like he had gone crazy. “Who are you here to see? I know you aren’t here to actually watch the performance; I know I’m not. Come on, you can tell me. I’ll tell you who I’m here to see.” He gestured at a dancer at the left side of the stage. Xukun squinted and caught sight of a short, brown haired boy with eyebrows so straight and dark, Xukun could see them from where he was sitting. “See that freshman right there? Ding Zeren. He’s so cute.”

Xukun nodded slightly. “Yeah, I guess.”

Yanchen scoffed. “He’s not yours to admire, don’t worry. Anyways, let’s see if I can get his number today. Who are you here for?”

Xukun shook his head. “I’m not here for anyone.”

Yanchen stared at the side of his head, annoyance painted across his face. “Fine, fine. I won’t ask, asshole. Just make sure that your eyeballs don’t pop out of their sockets before we head to Ziyi’s place. Jeffrey’s cooking tonight.”

Xukun didn’t respond again, but he did make sure to blink before returning his gaze to the boy in the very center, who did a flip, his soft brown hair curling across his forehead, pretty eyes and pretty smile dazzling even under the glitter and shine of the stage.

2020

“Cai Xukun, can you please take the trash out?” Zhengting called to Xukun as he struggled to shove the last of the garbage into the big black bags they had specially reserved for this day. “I can barely shove this stuff into the bags.”

“Coming,” Xukun called back. Zhengting sighed, but sure enough, moments later, Xukun was bustling out of his room and rolling up his sleeves. “You should have told me earlier if you didn’t want to complain about it.”

Zhengting rolled his eyes. “I asked you earlier, asshole. And you said that you were working.”

Xukun hoisted the bag out of the bin. “Fine, I’m sorry.”

“Good.”

To say they got along better now was an understatement. 

Though Zhengting still couldn’t stand Xukun’s shut-off attitude and snarky remarks half the time, and though Xukun still always had something nasty to say about Zhengting’s pettiness and fretting, they were much, much better with each other than a year ago. A year ago, Zhengting didn’t talk to Xukun if he could avoid it. Today, even if talking to Cai Xukun was still a battle to keep up with his wittiness and dry sense of humour and overall hostility, it wasn’t something he dreaded. In fact, the man could be pleasant if he wanted to. Childlike, even. Zhengting wanted to laugh and sigh at him at the same time. 

“When are the others coming?” Xukun asked, when he returned from outside. His cheeks were already red from the brief exposure to the cold, and Zhengting wanted to laugh at him for being so weak against the cold. That was something else he had learned about Xukun over the past year. “It’s a quarter to seven.”

“They should be here any minute then.” Zhengting wiped the counter down for the last time and tossed the dirty towel into the sink. “The chicken is almost done as well.”

Xukun sniffed. “Smells good.”

“Thank you.”

“This is probably the best you’ll ever cook.”

“Can you not do this for one Christmas?”

Zhengting was throwing his own Christmas party this year, two days before he was going to head home for the holidays. The rest of their friends were all coming: Xingjie and Xiao Gui (who he still hadn’t confessed to yet), Yanchen and his new boyfriend Zeren (who was on Zhengting’s dance team), Wenjun and Xinchun, Ziyi and Jeffrey, Linong and Zhangjing and Yanjun, Chengcheng and Justin (who had finally graduated high school and joined them in college, though him and Cheng still hadn’t gotten together yet). In fact, the only person in their close-knit friend group that he hadn’t invited was Xukun. But the man lived with him and was forced into helping Zhengting set everything up in the days leading up to it that it went without saying that he was hosting as well.

Xukun was actually fun to work with when Zhengting wasn’t reminding himself of just how much of a jerk the other man could be. He was still quiet and shut-off in many ways, but that conversation they had last winter, and the soft, warm days following it, had seemed to do something to their relationship. Zhengting perhaps could even consider the other man as a friend. Only perhaps, because calling him a friend… didn’t seem to feel right yet.

Xukun jerked him out of the stupor he was in by clapping his hands in front of his eyes. “Earth to Zhu Zhengting.”

Zhengting blinked. “Oh, sorry. Can you take these to the kitchen?” He raised two bowls of rice to Xukun. 

Xukun nodded. “This better taste fucking good for all the work you’ve made me do.”

His fingers brushed past Zhengting’s as he took the bowls from him. Zhengting felt them graze by his skin, the sensation oddly electrifying. He paused, looked at Xukun, and found him looking back at him.

Xukun really did have large eyes. Large and pretty, almost like a doe’s. His hair was silver this year, the results of an impromptu dye job by Yanchen and Xiao Gui, and privately, Zhengting thought it looked good on him. In fact, Zhengting had started to realize that Cai Xukun looked good in anything. His classmates seemed to think so as well, with how they whispered about the hot third-year who wrote songs and didn’t talk to anyone outside of his small circle of friends.

In those times, Zhengting wanted to giggle at them, because yes. That was Xukun, a pretty boy who wrote songs and kept to himself. But at the same time, he wanted to tell them about how funny Xukun was when he watched scary movies, how snarky and witty he was with everything he said, how much of an ass he could be with how he treated everyone with hostility, but at the same time, how warm he could be. Zhengting remembered a time in May when, exhausted from studying, he had passed out, only to wake up tucked in bed, a box of sweets and his favourite bottle of iced tea on his table. Xukun had denied it was him, but Zhengting was used to that. After all, it wasn’t the only time Xukun had tucked him in; sometimes, Zhengting would remember that morning after the Christmas party way back in freshman year. They had never talked about it, but Zhengting thought that he knew Xukun well enough now to say it was him.

Abruptly, the doorbell rang. Both of them jumped. 

“I-I’ll get it,” Zhengting said after a brief delay.

Xukun nodded, just as woodenly. “I’ll get these to the table.” He turned and stepped out of the kitchen.

Zhengting paused for a very long moment, not sure why he felt so shaky all over. But then, the doorbell rang again. He gave himself a hard shake before rushing over to open the door.

***

“Truth or dare!” Justin hollered over the rest of them. Zhengting looked up from where he was smushed between Yanchen and Wenjun, and scowled at a giddy Justin draped luxuriously across Chengcheng’s unimpressed lap. “No, dare or dare, bitches!”

“Huang Minghao,” he seethed. “Can you not scream in my apartment? I have neighbours!”

Justin ignored him in favour of another shout of “Truth or dare!”

“Yes, yes, shut up.” Chengcheng slapped a hand across Justin’s mouth, only to tear it away a moment later. “Ew! Did you just lick me?”

Justin grinned. “All in good fun, my dear Chengcheng. Anyways, who’s with me?”

The room was immediately filled with a chorus of yes’s. Zhengting nodded along.

“Xukun, are you playing?” Justin called over to where Xukun was leaning against the wall, right beside Ziyi and Jeffrey. 

Xukun shook his head. “I’ll sit out for now. You guys have fun.”

Justin shook his head. “Party pooper. But anyways, let’s do it! I’ll go first! Jie-ge, truth or dare?”

The following two hours were then filled with all sorts of chaos. Xingjie chose dare, and he was forced to rub noses with Xiao Gui, who looked extremely amused as well as mildly horrified by how red Xingjie went. Then, Wenjun had to admit that he had a crush on one of the particularly feisty sophomores in his chem lab module, Li Xikan, who everyone also seemed to have a crush on. Then, Yanchen and Zeren had to make out for five minutes (which, in Zhengting’s opinion, was more of a blessing for them). Just to name a few.

Zhengting laughed and yelled and cheered with the others, and he almost forgot that he was also a part of the game, before Justin turned to him with a wry grin. “Zhengting, truth or dare?”

Zhengting smiled. “Dare.”

Justin grinned wickedly. “I dare you to kiss the prettiest boy in the room!”

A series of gasps went around the room. Zhengting frowned. “No fair! No one but Yanchen and Zeren have had to kiss so far!”

“Yeah, but you’re special, Zhengting,” Justin explained. “So many people on this goddamn campus want to take you home, but you won’t even look at any of them. Just kiss someone so that we know you’re not a robot and actually has eyes for beauty or something.”

“Yeah, just kiss someone,” Yanchen chirped from his side. He was smiling sunnily, though there was something strange in his eyes. “Or really, follow what the dare says! Kiss the prettiest boy in the room. We promise we won’t hold anything against you.” He glanced at an amused Zeren. “We can use this as a test for who’s the fairest of us all, being judged by a real life fairy like Zhengting.”

Zhengting ignored him, but his own brain was spinning hard anyways.

The prettiest boy in the room.

Kiss the prettiest boy in the room. 

He ran his eyes across the room, staring at the amused faces of everyone present. Who was the prettiest boy in the room?

But then, his eyes fell on Cai Xukun and his pretty nose and heart shaped face and piercing eyes staring right into him, and he couldn’t seem to tear his eyes away.

He walked towards him.

Stop, stop, stop, stop , a very urgent, very loud voice in his head told him. He’s your roommate. This is going to be so awkward after this. You’re making a stupid decision.

Xukun didn’t tear his eyes away from him though, and so he ignored it.

When he was standing directly in front of Xukun, looking down at him looking up at him, he paused. The others were shrieking and gasping all around them, but Zhengting kept his eyes on Xukun. 

Something hot was crawling in his chest, making its way down into his stomach and floating around inside of him like a butterfly. He could hear his own heart beat in his ears, the sound of blood rushing around in his skull.

He swallowed, heart in his throat, bent down, and kissed him.

For a few suspended moments, there was nothing except for Xukun’s soft lips on his and the rest of them screaming the house down behind them. 

But then, Xukun was pulling away, so abrupt that his head hit the wall behind him, making Zhengting jerk with how forceful the move was. Zhengting opened his eyes to see Xukun get to his feet, face filled with panic, already running to the door.

Zhengting didn’t even have time to say anything before Xukun was out the door.

For a very long moment, Zhengting could do nothing except stare, mouth slack, at the door. His hands were loose by his sides, but he thought he could feel himself shaking, even if he didn’t want to. He could also feel something shake inside of him, all brittle and strange. Strange, because there was nothing to the kiss anyways, yet it still felt like his heart was cracking apart. Still hurt, even if Cai Xukun was only…

Zhengting felt an arm drape across his back. 

“Zhengting, go take a break. We’ll leave, if you want us to,” Jeffrey said gently, hands gentle around his shoulder. “Xukun just… he just needs a moment.”

Zhengting stared at the door for a few more moments, the pain inside of him all of a sudden more acute and sharp than anything he had felt before. He clenched his hands into fists, still shaking slightly. “No, no, it’s okay. Let’s keep playing. Who’s turn is it again?”

The rest of the night was more subdued, but Zhengting was grateful for that. None of them mentioned what had just happened, including Zhengting himself. However, if he was being honest with himself, he wasn’t really paying attention to the game anymore. He spent the rest of the night staring randomly at the door, wondering where a certain blond hair boy had run off too, wondering if said boy had also felt the same things he had felt when they had kissed. 

Xukun didn’t come back for the rest of the night, even after the others had left. Zhengting washed up and went to bed, wondering why it felt like he was nursing a broken heart. 

Xukun came back in the early morning, at around three in the morning. Zhengting heard him creep into his room without a word, but he didn’t have the heart or courage to get up and say anything more to him.

***

Xukun glanced outside the window at the street below, seeing Jeffrey’s car pull up in front of the building to pick up the man currently standing just beside it. Zhengting had on a pair of red earmuffs and a grey scarf, looking so soft and warm in the icy cold that Xukun felt his own heart throb just looking at him. Jeffrey was picking Zhengting up for some dinner at the newest restaurant in town, according to Ziyi. Xukun tried not to care so much; Zhengting hadn’t been the one to tell him himself, after all.

Then again, they hadn’t really spoken to each other in just about a month now, a fact that Cai Xukun was solely responsible for. Zhengting had left for his hometown just a day after the Christmas party, and then, when he got back a week later, Xukun kept to his room and didn’t leave it if he could. Zhengting, similarly, didn’t try to spend time with him again like he had slowly began to do in the year where they had started to become friends.

Friends.

Xukun watched as Zhengting patted the top of his head, brushing off the flurry of snow that had gathered there.  He laughed at something Jeffrey said, then climbed into the car. Even from three stories up, Xukun could see how bright and sparkling his eyes were, how warm and red his cheeks were.

Some part of him desperately missed the company of the pretty dancer with warm hands and an even warmer heart, who he had grown close with over the last year, who he had slowly began to realize was growing more important to him than he had thought. With Zhengting, everything was comfortable. With Zhengting, everything was safe. With Zhengting, it felt like everything was going to be okay again, which was a feeling that Cai Xukun had been chasing after for the last twenty-one years now. 

When Zhengting had kissed him at the Christmas party, for a few moments, it was like everything had fallen in place. For a few, silver seconds, Xukun felt like he belonged, like he was six years old again, and everything was right and warm in the world. For a few suspended moments, Xukun felt like he was home.

But then, he remembered who he was. He remembered a lonely house and his deaf grandmother and visiting her grave and his parents’ graves with dandelions clenched in his hands. He remembered cold winters locked away in his room, struggling with music, the only thing that could make him feel something meaningful again until Zhengting had spilled coffee on his shirt and given him something to look forward to, something to feel for again. He remembered the sound of Zhengting’s laughs from his room, always surrounded by the warmth of the people who he loved and who loved him in return, always adored and admired by every person on campus, who had friends and family, who emitted warmth like fire. 

He didn’t want to put out that flame. 

Xukun pushed him away, not because he didn’t like kissing Zhu Zhengting. No, in fact, kissing him only confirmed something he had stowed away inside of himself for years. Rather, he pushed him away because he was terrified of what it could all mean again: what it could all mean if Zhengting liked him too, if he didn’t like him, if Xukun would just prove to be something that would put Zhengting’s warmth out with all of his loneliness and coldness and hurt.

Still, he couldn’t help but regretful when he looked down into the car and saw Jeffrey lean ever so slightly near Zhengting, laughing along at whatever Zhengting said. It was like he had ran away from the one thing that really mattered, which, now that he was thinking about it, was the case.

Maybe it was time he moved out.

2021

Zhengting showed up at Yanchen’s apartment with a big white stuffed animal tucked under one arm, blowing at his frozen fingers from the cold he just had to trek through to get to the man’s new apartment. 

“Zhengting!” Zeren answered the door, his head adorned with a pair of deer antlers that jingled each time he moved his head. Zhengting wondered what Yanchen could have had to do to get him in them. “You’re late this year!”

“Sorry.” Zhengting smiled sheepishly, holding up a bottle of wine. “I forgot to grab something for you and Yanchen for hosting this year.”

Zeren scoffed, side-stepping to let him in. “You didn’t need to grab anything for us.”

“No, but I wanted to.” Zhengting pulled him into a quick hug, slipping his boots off. “Am I the last one here?”

“Just about,” Zeren told him. He took the bottle from his hands and set them at the counter. “Go eat, Zhengting, before it gets cold.”

Zhengting obliged, heading to the food table where Xiao Gui and Zhangjing were talking to each other. He grabbed a plate and loaded it up with noodles and turkey, slipping into the others’ conversation easily.

“Hey Zhengting!” Zhangjing chirped, giving him a hug. “Happy holidays!”

“Zhengting is late,” Xiao Gui observed. “You don’t see that a lot.”

Zhengting ignored him. Zhangjing poked at the stuffed dog he still had under an arm. “Who’s this for?”

“It’s a secret santa for a reason, Zhangjing,” Zhengting huffed, then giggled. “Just kidding. It’s for Linong.”

“Oh, you got him?” Xiao Gui asked. He pointed to a bucket of brown, cookie-like things in the corner of the room. “I got Chengcheng, so I got him a can of dog biscuits.”

Zhengting blinked. “You do know that he has a dog, right?”

“He does?” Xiao Gui shrieked, all the previous mischief on his face wiped clean. 

Zhangjing poked him in the ribs, looking unimpressed. “Don’t tell me you got dog biscuits for him and not his dog.”

Xiao Gui didn’t say anything else.

“When are we gonna do the gift exchange?” he asked Zhangjing. “Should I set this down first?”

Zhangjing checked his watch. “Nah. Just hold it. Ziyi said that we would do it any second now.”

“Actually, we’re doing it right now,” a voice came from behind them. Zhengting turned around and came face to face with a smiling Jeffrey, and all of a sudden, wasn’t sure what to say.

Half a year ago, Jeffrey had asked him out on a date. It wasn’t the first time Zhengting had been asked out -- not even the first time he’d been asked out in college --, but it was the first time since that had happened, and everything felt wrong when he looked at Jeffrey’s hopeful eyes and nervous smile.

Jeffrey was a great guy, and he told him as much. The only problem was that his mind was still filled with the cynical comments, heart-shaped face, and doe eyes of a certain blond haired boy.

Cai Xukun had moved out in spring, after a long period of near silence from the man. Zhengting had come back one day to find the dorm they used to share together empty, and when he asked Ziyi where Xukun had gone, Ziyi told him that Xukun had applied for a single, and that it had finally been approved. To say that it hurt was an understatement.

Somewhere inside of him, he could still remember what the feeling of Xukun’s lips were like against his own. How that kiss had made it feel like fireworks were exploding in his chest, filling his entire being with warmth. If he closed his eyes, he could still hear Xukun’s laugh, oddly childish and bubbly for someone usually as serious and cynical as him, could see the spark of mischief in his eyes each time he did something silly or found something funny on the internet. And because he couldn’t forget it, he said no, sorry.

Jeffrey was a good person, and didn’t hold it against him. However, it was still a bit awkward for the two of them, which he supposed was for the best anyhow.

“Who did you get?” Jeffrey asked him with a gentle smile. “Not Xiao Gui for sure, with that stuffed animal.”

“Hey!” Xiao Gui squawked. “What difference does that make?”

“I got Linong,” Zhengting replied. “What about you?”

“Ziyi,” Jeffrey sighed. Zhangjing squealed from beside Zhengting, which Jeffrey only sighed again at. “And just when I thought I could finally get away with not getting him anything this year.”

“Ziyi would be happy with anything you got him,” Zhangjing gushed with a teasing glint. Jeffrey’s cheeks coloured a bit, but he rolled his eyes.

“Calm down.”

“Where is Ziyi right now? Have you given him it yet?” Zhengting asked.

“Yeah, I have. Got him a refill on his favourite vegan protein powder. He’s right there, standing by the couch.”

Zhengting looked over Jeffrey’s shoulder and, just like Jeffrey said, saw Ziyi handing a carefully wrapped present to Yanjun, who also had on a pair of antlers clamped in his hair. However, he didn’t look for more than a second, because there was another familiar face there too.

Jeffrey turned and caught sight of who Zhengting was looking at. He turned back to Zhengting, a sympathetic look in his eyes. “Don’t pay him any attention if you don’t want to, Zhengting.”

Zhengting tore his eyes away from Cai Xukun’s smiling face, the tip of his chin covered by a thick, dark green turtleneck, and forced himself to smile at Jeffrey. “I won’t.”

It was funny, because this was so much like the Christmas party he had attended during freshman year, when he was the one avoiding Xukun, and Yanchen was telling him to give the boy a chance. Now, three years later, it was him sneaking glances at the man and his friends telling him that he didn’t have to talk to him if he didn’t want to.

Thing is, he wanted to. He just didn’t know if he could.

***

Evidently, he had bought the right gift for Linong when the boy’s eyes lit up when Zhengting handed the big, white stuffed dog with the red bow he had tied around its neck the night earlier. Linong had shyly thanked him like the sweet kid he was, then pulled him into a hug that Zhengting thought might have cracked half of his back.

He watched as the boy walked over to Justin to show the stuffy off, and smiled quietly to himself when he saw the two high five over the gifts they had both gotten. Justin seemed to have gotten a gift card for League of Legends that Yanchen had bought for him (Zhengting knows this because he had accompanied the man to the video game store the week prior to pick it out), his delight at his gift present with how bright his smile was.

The room was filled with warmth and laughter, and Zhengting felt his heart fill with the joy and love contained in the room.

But then, he felt a light tap on his back. 

Zhengting turned, expecting Ziyi or Yanchen or Zhou Rui, mouth already open to say something sappy about it all.

Thus, it was a shock when he came face to face with an extremely uncomfortable, nervous looking Cai Xukun, holding a red paper bag in his hands, peering at him through his look lashes.

“Xu-Xukun?” Zhengting stammered awkwardly. The last time they had talked must have been a month ago, and that was an extremely short conversation at a b-boying competition Ziyi was participating in, nothing more than a quick, awkward exchange of words on when their friend would be performing. 

“Happy holidays, Zhengting,” Xukun said quietly. He held the bag out, hands trembling slightly. “I got you.”

Zhengting took it with shaking hands, and looked down into it to see a red and white striped scarf, patterned with a few clusters of holly at one end. It was beautiful, something that Zhengting knew he would love to wear.

“This- This is gorgeous!” Zhengting stammered again. He took the scarf out of the bag and draped it around his neck. “It’s so pretty.”

“You like it?” Xukun asked nervously. Then, quieter. “I wasn’t sure what to get you.”

“It’s beautiful- I mean, it’s perfect,” Zhengting babbled on nonsensically. “I love it. Thank you, Xukun”

“Oh,” Xukun said, then stopped. He looked awkwardly at Zhengting, like he had more to say but wasn’t sure if he could say it or not. Zhengting, feeling Xukun’s gaze on him again after so long, felt his heartbeat pick up erratically again.

He swallowed. “How have the holidays been for you so far?”

Xukun nodded gently. “Okay. They’re doing okay.”

“Anything planned this year?” Zhengting tried carefully, remembering what season Christmas was to Xukun.

“Music,” Xukun responded dryly. “I’ll probably spend Christmas working again, as usual.”

“I see.” Zhengting nodded, his tongue feeling like sandpaper. Nervously, he smoothed a hand over the fabric around his neck. It was very soft. “I hope… I hope it goes well. How is your new dorm?”

Xukun looked at him, dark eyes large and sad and carefully shielded. “Fine. It’s not as noisy as our dorm though. Not as neat or pretty or warm.”

Something seemed to break apart inside of Zhengting then, because all of sudden, looking back at Xukun’s face, feeling the scarf he had bought for him under his fingertips, so soft and so tailored for him, Zhengting realized that none of what had happened -- or lack thereof -- mattered. It didn’t matter that they had spent time apart, had taken the year to grow as human beings, had allowed each other to understand themselves and what they wanted before coming back together again. It mattered that Xukun was here now, was in front of Zhengting, not looking particularly sure yet but not running away either, nervously twisting his hands together and staring at Zhengting for his reaction and for something that Zhengting had wanted to say for a year now.

They would need so much time to talk, to work things out, to figure out what was the right thing to do again. But for now, Zhengting thought he knew what both of them needed.

He took a deep breath, smoothing his hands over the embroidered holly leaves again. “Then why don’t you move back? Your room is still there for you.”

***

Xukun spent Christmas that year mostly outside, hauling boxes from Xingjie’s car that he was borrowing and moving them up the three flights of stairs and back into the apartment he had left half a year earlier. It was silly in some ways, moving back to a place he had only left so long ago, but still he thought that leaving it in the first place -- taking a break to figure out how he was feeling and what he would do with those feelings -- was the right thing to do.

In the end, all he needed was a bit more time. He needed more time to come to terms with the feelings that came with Zhu Zhengting. He needed time to revisit old scars and ponder what it was that he needed. And what resulted from his half-year of soul searching was that he needed Zhu Zhengting. It was silly, perhaps, how simple the conclusion was, but for Xukun, it was something terrifying. Something that he needed to realize in order to be happy again.

(Zhengting made happiness seem easy, always.)

While it would take even more time for him to explain everything to him, to unravel more than a decade of loneliness and think of ways to overcome it, for now, Xukun wanted to believe that he deserved happiness too.

Zhengting didn’t say anything like that, but from the way he was so eager to help him unpack, organize his things back onto the shelves, he thought that the other boy knew as well.

“That’s this box for?” Zhengting asked, and god , it felt so good being able to hear his voice again, all soft and bubbly and gentle. 

Xukun squinted at it. “Dunno. Unpack it and see?”

Zhengting unfolded it, his face suddenly going still from whatever he saw inside of it. Carefully, he dug his hand in and came out with a tiny picture frame.

Xukun froze.

“Is this…” Xukun could see Zhengting swallow. “Is this them?”

In his hand was one of the only pictures Xukun still had of his family, a blurry photo of him and his mother and his father and his grandmother, laughing in front of a glowing Christmas tree. It must have been taken when he was around four; Xukun couldn’t remember anymore.

Xukun nodded very very gently. “Yes.”

Zhengting studied it for a very long moment, hands cradling one of Xukun’s most precious possessions in his hands like it was some priceless treasure. In fact, that’s exactly what it was to Xukun: a priceless memoir of a time in his life that he could never get back again. But then again, Zhengting was always one to treat what was precious to other people as incredibly precious to himself as well.

Finally, he straightened, taking the photo with him. “Let’s put it up here, okay?” He set the photo down on the shelf above Xukun’s guitar.

Xukun always kept the photo tucked away in a drawer, hidden from prying eyes and more importantly, hidden from his own searching gaze. Maybe it was because it hurt too much seeing it and knowing that he had lost. Maybe, it was because it hurt knowing that there would be nothing like that for Xukun anymore.

He wasn’t sure if that was the case anymore.

He nodded. “Okay.”

He looked at the picture, at how his mother and father and grandmother and him were all smiling so brightly, feeling so much pain yet at the same time, so much warmth clustered in his heart that he was afraid he would start crying. He felt Zhengting’s gaze on him then, then, moments later, felt his hands loop around his waist.

“Welcome home, Xukun,” Zhengting said softly in his ear. “Merry Christmas.”

For the first time, Xukun thought he could believe him. 

2022

“Merry Christmas! Drink up, bitches!” Justin’s voice soared over the living room of their new apartment, holding his own glass of champagne high above his head. 

Chengcheng struggled to pull him off Zhengting’s couch, where he was standing. “Stop it! You’re drunk! You’re gonna fall!”

Justin laughed and batted his eyelashes at him. “I’ll be fine. You’ll catch me even if I do, won’t you?”

Zhengting watched Chengcheng flush, then pull Justin into his arms, annoyance and delight spreading across his face. He laughed, taking a sip of his own champagne.

“They’re so old now,” Yanchen lamented in his ear. “We’re old, working adults, and these kids are still being all lovey-dovey in college.” He sighed, draping himself over Zeren, who almost sagged under his weight.

Zhengting laughed. “Don’t go too hard on Zeren. I don’t want you messing up my new carpet.”

Yanchen grinned. “Zeren wouldn’t spill a drop, would you, love?” He pressed a kiss on top of said man’s head, earning a blush and scowl from the man.

“Shut up just for tonight, will you?” Xingjie’s exasperated voice was by him in a second, and Zhengting watched in amusement as he pulled both Yanchen and Zeren along  with him. “Come here, Xiao Gui wants to show the two of you something.”

“You do everything he asks you to do,” Yanchen complained, but allowed himself to be dragged along anyways, linking his arm with Xingjie’s as they made their way to where Xiao Gui was already showing Linong, Zhangjing, and Yanjun something on the couch.

Zhengting watched them with a smile on his face, but he watched the rest of them too. He watched Wenjun and Xinchun pile their plates with more food, Xikan and Chaoze and Zhou Rui talking close by. He watched Justin and Chengcheng continue to be the soft, cheesy pair that every new couple was. He watched Ziyi and Jeffrey sitting cross legged in front of the glass window to the balcony, hands barely touching but brushing nonetheless. He watched them all, his heart filled with so much warmth and gratefulness, love and joy that it spilled over, filling up the rest of him with warmth too.

“What are you thinking?” He felt a familiar pair of arms wrap around his waist, a warm breath tickle the shell of his ear. “You’re very quiet tonight.”

Zhengting smiled, feeling Xukun’s lips against his neck. “Nothing much. Just thinking about how much I love all of them.”

“Love how they got our new apartment all messy?” Xukun asked, but his words held no real bite. “You’re so kind, Zhu Zhengting.”

“Mhmm. I love them all so much.”

Zhengting turned slowly in Xukun’s grasp, and allowed himself to lean his forehead against his boyfriend’s, his nose brushing the others. Maybe, on a different day, he would be embarrassed with how publicly he was doing this. But it was Christmas, and Christmas was always a day to do special things anyways.

“Hey,” Xukun said, then looked up pointedly, lips tugged up into a smile. “Do you see what I see?”

Zhengting followed his gaze and saw a small cluster of leaves hanging from their ceiling, white berries bright against the red ribbon. He smiled too.

“Mistletoe? How come I didn’t know you put this up?”

Xukun smirked. “There are a lot of things I can get away with doing, but don’t worry about that. Do you know what you’re supposed to do under a mistletoe, Zhu Zhengting?”

Zhengting didn’t have to respond. He leaned in and pressed his lips to his, his heart complete and full, feeling so right in Cai Xukun’s arms, so perfect with how Xukun wrapped his hands around his waist and pulled him in tighter, so happy with how everything had turned out in the end.

Xukun had told him that Zhengting had given him a home, but Zhengting thought that Xukun didn’t realize that Xukun had always belonged right here, in the company of the people who loved and cared for him, with Zhengting , anyways.

***

“Hey, Zhengting.”

“Mhm?”

“Merry Christmas.”

“Love you too.”