Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Tobin is far more preoccupied with the feeling of Leif’s hand in his swinging between them as they walk than anything the tour guide they’re following has said in the past ten minutes. It’s not that he’s not interested (except that he’s really not), it’s just that he likes spending time with Leif and focusing on the way his thumb rubs against cold, bare skin than hearing about the history of Christmas in California and how if Santa were real (and Tobin guesses that any children on this tour just got a rude awakening and their parents are considering demanding refunds right about now) then Christmas would probably take at least a week to pull off and he doesn’t really think this tour guide could be more of a buzzkill if he tried.

He doesn’t realize how zoned out he is until Leif nudges him with their joined hands.

“Hey,” He says quietly, hushed from the crowd bustling around them as they walk down the streets of San Francisco. “You’re having fun, right?”

Tobin doesn’t have the heart to say ‘no’.

“I… am enjoying time with you.” Tobin says, giving him his best winning grin before squeezing his hand lightly.

“So, that’s a ‘no’.” Leif responds with a sigh, looking down at his feet as they walk. “I just wanted to do something fun for the holidays before I leave. I mean, we can leave, if you’re bored, this isn’t —”

“Leif,” Tobin cuts him off before it can turn into nervous rambling, lifting their hands to meet his other hand in front of them as they walk. “This tour may not be my… vibe,” He looks forward again as the tour guide starts waving his arms around, talking about some alarming statistic that Tobin doesn’t bother to process. “But I’m with you. That’s what matters.”

He feels his stomach tie in all kinds of knots when Leif responds with a blush and a boyish smile, bowing his head and shaking it with an ‘okay’. There’s the cute, nervous boy Tobin fell in love with a little over a year ago.

In all honesty, Tobin is just happy to be there with Leif, regardless of how awful he feels watching this poor dude drone on in front of them; he’s lucky if at least two of the people in this crowd are gonna remember anything he’s saying.

Tobin’s been head over heels for Leif since their mutual friend had introduced them at a party and they’d realized they’d actually met before when they’d been co-champions of the national spelling bee. Talk about a missed connection. Leif had nervously asked for his number when they were done talking, they got coffee the next day, and the rest is history. They saw each other for six months before both of their leases were up and they made the decision to move in together, citing cheaper rent and convenience as the sole excuse for how fast they were moving.

Despite their initial worries about cohabitation spoiling the honeymoon period, it worked perfectly. Leif was always out of bed and on a jog on weekdays before Tobin woke up, giving him time to be alone and get ready for the day. They spent their days at work, separately, at different software companies. They came home at the end of the day and spent time together, goofing off and being obnoxiously clingy, before they’d go to bed (sometimes they’d bang, sometimes they’d just pass out, depending on the mood) and rinse and repeat for the next day.

Tobin’s pulled out of his thoughts again by Leif’s elbow nudging his arm and pulling him into an alley before he can respond.

“Follow me.” Leif says in a whisper as they leave the crowd, barreling forward and dragging Tobin with him.

“Where are we going?”

Leif turns around as he pulls Tobin, walking backwards until they reach a ladder on the side of a building.

“It’s like... an Aladdin moment. Do you trust me?” He smiles with the words and damn. Tobin couldn’t say no even if he wanted to when he’s faced with that winning smile (though, he definitely feels the urge to poke fun just a little bit at calling it an ‘Aladdin moment’). He follows wordlessly as Leif starts to climb the ladder, ignoring the tension in his stomach, until they reach the roof and Leif leans down to help him climb over the edge.

Leif leads him to the edge of the building, looking over the landscape of buildings, one towering over the other, with decorations and lights donned in nearly every window, carols bellowing from below, joyful noises bustling through the many crowds beneath them.

“I know you don’t really like the holidays, but…” He trails off, taking Tobin’s hand in his own and tracing shapes with his thumb as they both stare out. “You gotta admit, this is beautiful.”

Tobin’s own gaze moves to Leif’s wistful smile instead, his heart swelling at how in love with the city he looks.

“Yeah. It sure is.”

If Leif gets that Tobin definitely doesn’t mean the city, he doesn’t mention it, choosing instead to drop his hand and sit down on the edge of the roof, letting his legs swing over the side. Tobin joins him without hesitation, letting his head drop onto Leif’s shoulder as he grabs his hand again.

“I really wish you weren’t gonna be alone this week.” Leif says, letting himself play with Tobin’s fingers as his gaze focuses on the skyline.

“I’m really fine, bro. Someone’s gotta watch the pets for everyone that leaves, it might as well be someone that doesn’t celebrate.”

“Yeah, but…” He trails off again, fingers still idly toying with Tobin’s as Leif’s gaze comes down to watch them instead of the sky. “I just wish… I wish you had better experiences with the holidays, y’know? There’s nothing quite like waking up on Christmas morning and spending the whole day with family; opening gifts and sipping from coffee that you’re gonna forget about in twenty minutes until you go to take a sip of it and it’s disgustingly cold, but you don’t care cause the rest of the day has just been that good already.”

Tobin’s raised his head to watch Leif talk now, admiring how animated he gets when he talks about Christmas and what seems to be the only good things he’s ever had to say about his family. He could probably listen to Leif talk about this all day.

“Well, I will wake up on Christmas morning and make sure someone’s pets don’t die and then I’ll wake up a couple days later and you’ll be home. And then a couple days after that we can kiss at midnight and that will be a Holiday I can enjoy by getting smashed and loving you. How’s that sound?”

Leif lets out a soft sigh before letting a softer smile cross his face, leaning in to place a chaste kiss on Tobin’s lips before pulling away with an exhale.

“That sounds —" Leif is cut off by the access door to the roof behind them opening, catching both of their attentions as their heads snap towards the sound.

“Goddamn hooligans,” A southern accent drawls towards them as they hurry to stand up without falling off the side, moving quickly towards the ladder they’d come up. “This roof isn’t a goddamn public loitering place, get outta here, go!”

The man starts to move towards them, physically forcing them towards the ladder as they both clamber to climb down as fast as they can, before breaking into a run away from the ladder. Tobin feels exhilarated as his feet hit the pavement running, Leif a half step behind him until he catches Leif’s arm a couple alleys away, pushing him up against the wall to suffocate him with an intense kiss, hand pushing desperately against his chest. He pulls away after a second, half breathless from the run, but mostly from the kiss. Despite his breath running out, he plants another kiss on his cheek and then his neck with a laugh against deceptively warm skin for the chilly december air surrounding them.

Leif pushes away from his chest to force him to meet his eyes, a dumb smile and mischevious spark in his eyes.

“Come home with me.”

“What?”

Leif laughs, taking both of Tobin’s hands in his own.

“Come home for Christmas with me.”

“But the pets —”

“Come on, someone else can watch the pets. No one else can wake up with me on Christmas morning and make me feel like my whole world’s in that one room. And if you’re with the pets, I can’t make you love Christmas by showing you how beautiful it is, in person.”

Tobin feels heat rising to his cheeks at Leif’s earnestness, letting a laugh overcome him as he presses another quick kiss to Leif’s lips.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

If he hadn’t already made up his mind, Leif’s smile at that would’ve convinced him, all bright blue eyes and excitement, like a child on Christmas morning.

“Yeah, okay, I’ll go.”

Leif brings their lips together again without hesitation, smiling into it as he drops his arms around Tobin’s neck.

So, Tobin finds himself getting coffee with his best friend Zoey the next day to ask for a favor.

“Yes, I can pet sit for you. I manage an entire team of people, I think I can handle a couple dogs and cats.”

“Okay, but you’re distinctly skipping over half of what I just told you. And I’m also pretty sure you’ve told me enough horror stories about childhood hamsters for me to press X to doubt on that.”

Zoey sighs and takes a sip of her coffee as they walk down the crowded street together.

“I’m skipping over half of what you just told me because it’s insane. I support you, and I love you, but it’s insane. Proposing at Christmas sounds good on paper, but trust me, it’ll only go wrong. And besides, don’t you think it’s a little soon? You’ve only been dating for a year.”

Tobin takes a sip of his own coffee with a shake of his head.

“We’ve always moved fast. Sex, moving in — this, meeting the family, is like the only thing we haven’t done.” Zoey looks at him doubtfully, an almost pitying look on her face. “I just feel ready. Besides, I kinda wanna ask his dad.”

Zoey actually gasps at that, offense dripping from her posture.

“You’ve got to be kidding me. You’re gonna ask his dad for permission? Like you’re a strapping young bachelor and he’s a waifish young lady?” Zoey teases him, but there’s a seriousness underlying it, saying that she really thinks this is a bad idea.

“I just wanna know that I’m cool with his family, okay?”

Tobin shrugs his shoulders, going slightly on the defense at Zoey’s blatant criticism, no matter how much he knows it’s out of love.

Zoey opens her mouth to respond before her phone pings where she’s holding it against her coffee cup and she pulls it away to look at it.

“Everything good?” He raises his eyebrow, concern bleeding into his voice, knowing how much shit Zoey’s had going on lately.

“Hm?” Zoey glances away from her phone as she taps at it before processing why he would be asking. “Oh. Oh, yeah. I just had a lady over and I’ve got a tracker set up to make sure she leaves.”

“You’re… tracking her? Are you sure you can just do that?”

Zoey laughs and shakes her head.

“Listen, if the NSA can do it, I can do it.” She locks her phone and tucks it back between her fingers and her coffee cup, taking a sip. “I’m just saying, I don’t want you to get your heart set on this and get hurt.”

“Zoey,” He practically pleads, running a hand through loose hair. “It’ll be fine. Nothing can go wrong here.”

Chapter Text

Brown eyes stare out of the window as they pass exit sign after exit sign that all look exactly the same, fingers tapping against the window ledge to a beat that doesn’t exist anywhere in the podcast Leif is listening to, trying to make himself not focus on the awkward, nervous energy radiating from Leif that is not giving him any sort of confidence about the rest of the trip. He had been excited until the moment they’d gotten into the car, so Tobin is really struggling to figure out what gives here.

After another few minutes, Tobin can’t take the not-quite-silence anymore, glancing over at where Leif’s knuckles are held tightly around the steering wheel as he stares out at the road in front of them.

“I’m excited to finally meet everyone.”

Leif glances at Tobin, seeming to come out of wherever he was far into his own head, making a ‘hm?’ sound in the back of his throat.

“Your family. You don’t actually know this, I’m surprisingly good with parents. Like… Exceedingly baller.”

He had been trying to make Leif laugh (at least a little bit), but he just looks paler at that, hands gripping the steering wheel just a little bit tighter.

“Right, um, we should… we should talk about something before we get there.”

“Okay?” Tobin responds, not even bothering to hide the hesitancy and confusion in his voice.

“You remember this summer…” He starts, taking a deep breath as his eyes dart over to Tobin before flitting back to the road in almost the same second. “When I came out to my parents and told them about us and they took it really well and were super supportive.”

“Yeah…”

“Well…” Leif readjusts his hands on the wheel, squaring his shoulders in an almost defense-like posture. “That’s not… entirely the truth.”

Tobin’s face screws in confusion, observing the way Leif’s jaw has drawn tight now as he keeps driving.

“They weren’t super supportive?”

“No... Um, they —” He starts and stops a couple times before sighing. “I didn’t tell them.”

“What?”

“I swear, I was —”

“Pull over,” Tobin stops him before he can start, hand rubbing at his forehead as Leif doesn’t hesitate to swerve to the side of the road, putting the car in park and immediately turning in his seat so he can face Tobin. “Do you understand how shitty it is to invite me to your parent’s house under the pretense that you’re out to them and then to tell me that you never did it?”

“Listen, Tobes, I - I know and - and I was going to, I swear, but I was about to and then my dad said he was running for mayor and my mom made a big deal about none of us ‘screwing that up for him’ and I just — I couldn’t and now they’ve told us our whole Christmas is gonna be about impressing someone who wants to invest in his campaign and I - I just know that if I tell them now, that’s gonna be the first thing on their mind and that’s not - that’s not fair, y’know?”

Tobin has to take a second to process everything, shaking his head in disbelief and doing his best to ignore how genuine Leif looks in order to let the bitterness sit on his chest for another minute.

“Then why did you invite me?” He asks, turning to look directly at Leif’s face again, where he meets guilt-ridden big blue eyes.

“We were having such a good night and I got caught up in the moment and I just…” He trails off, no longer meeting Tobin’s eyes, seeming to be staring at the handle of the car door just past his arm. “...and then you seemed excited and I’ve never really seen you that excited for a Holiday that wasn’t 4/20 before and I just - I thought we could make it work. I’m sorry, I just wanted to give you a good holiday season and… this isn’t - I don’t...”

Tobin sighs as Leif trails off, reaching out to take his hand in his own and play with his fingers, which brings Leif’s eyes back up to meet his own. God, even when he’s actively upset with him, he just makes it so hard to still be upset with him.

“So, if they don’t… know about us, why exactly do they think I’m coming with you?” Tobin asks hesitantly, not one hundred percent sure if he actually wants to know the answer.

“I told them that… you have nowhere else to go, because your parents are… no longer with us.”

Leif finishes the sentence with a grimace; hearing himself say it out loud for the first time seems to make it really click how bad it is.

“Well, that’s a lie.”

“Only technically,” Leif is quick to hop to the defense of his, quite frankly terrible, lie. “I - I mean your mom is no longer with you and your dad lives in Texas, it could be argued that he is… no longer with us... specifically.”

“Okay, well, that’s terrible and you should almost definitely feel terrible about that, but…” Tobin takes a deep breath and shakes his head. “You’re really lucky that I love the hell out of you, bro. But you owe me, big time, when we get back.”

Leif looks like a mixture between guilty and relieved when he drops Tobin’s hand and leans in to press a kiss to his cheek.

“I really am so sorry, Tobes.” He pulls away with a repentant smile, putting the car back into drive and pulling back onto the road. He reaches over once he’s back on the road with a soft smile, grabbing Tobin’s hand in his again to rest between the seats. “Hey, at least we get to wake up together on Christmas morning, right? And I promise, after this mayor crap is over, I'm telling them. Hell or high water.”

Bing Crosby’s crackly voice warbles its way through the open window of Leif’s childhood home as tennis-shoe clad feet fall onto the gravel driveway, car door shutting stiffly behind him. He looks over the top of the car to see Tobin doing the same and he has to force himself to breathe as they approach the wooden door that he lived his teen years behind.

Tobin takes the opportunity before he knocks to leave one last kiss on his cheek before he’s gotta keep his distance, lingering with a smile before Leif squares his shoulders and knocks on the door.

The green paint-laden door swings open to reveal a middle-aged woman with bottle-blonde hair and a forced smile that Tobin can only assume must be his mother as she scoops him up into a hug that looks like it squeezes the life right out of him.

“Leif, it’s been so long, how are you doing?” She asks, but she doesn’t give him time to answer, as just as fast as he’s opened his mouth to form a response, she’s turning to Tobin and giving him the most pitiful look. “Oh, and you must be his orphan friend, I was so sad to hear about your parents. Just know… you’re always welcome with us, it’s so important to have a family to be there for you.”

Tobin’s not looking at Leif and he can’t be a hundred percent sure that he actually does, but he’s pretty sure he can feel him rolling his eyes.

“Right, my parents aren’t actually —” Tobin starts, but his mom’s already pushing them both inside and closing the door behind them, guiding them into the living room as she speaks over him.

“We can get your stuff out of the car later, let me show you around the house and we can —”

“Oh, Leif, you made it on time!” An aging man comes through the other entrance to the living room, cutting his mom off and clapping Leif on the shoulder; he doesn’t even seem to notice that Leif recoils behind that patented fake smile that Tobin hates to see - this must be his dad.

“I sure did. It was hard to get off work on time, but —” Tobin’s not entirely sure if either of them have gotten in a single sentence without being cut off; usually, that’s the kind of thing that he wouldn’t let slide, but he thinks it’s a little bit more important that Leif’s parents like him.

“No work talk, I have put a ban on anybody talking about anybody's job until we have to see the investor; this is going to be a good Christmas, so no funny business, okay?”

“Okay.” Leif sounds dejected and Tobin tries not to be bitter that the only sentence he can get out seems to be a one-word one.

“Okay. Now, let’s go up to your room so I can see if Jude actually set it up like I asked him to earlier, okay?”

Leif nods wordlessly and starts to follow his mom up the stairs, leaving Tobin and his dad standing at the bottom of the stairwell.

“Your parents… I mean, it’s terrible.”

Tobin sighs and shakes his head.

“Yeah. I miss them every single day.”

Hey, if Leif’s gonna go around telling terrible lies, the least he can do is let Tobin play along.

By the time he leaves Leif’s dad at the bottom of the stairs and makes his way towards where he can hear Leif’s mom’s voice again, they’ve moved into what Tobin can only assume is Leif’s childhood bedroom based on the comforter that’s just a giant pokeball and the little tiny squirtles he can see peeking out from the sheet set beneath it.

“Well, I asked him to make it look more adult, but you know Jude, he’s just so busy. I’m letting him work on work stuff now, so hopefully he’ll be able to enjoy the actual Holiday. If you’d like to switch stuff out yourself, I’m sure you didn’t have any work stuff to bring home.”

It doesn’t take Tobin long to decide that he hates the way Leif’s parents talk to him like his job isn’t important (or, at least, not nearly as impressive as his perfect brothers’) or like he’s still a kid that has to follow their every whim.

He’s staring at a photo of what looks like a high school aged Leif standing next to a pretty blonde with the most beautiful, bright smile when his mom finally notices that he’s followed them into the room and picks up the picture with a soft, reminiscent smile.

“Oh, that’s Autumn. Isn’t she just gorgeous?” His mom says, eyes locked onto the picture with a wistful smile. “Leif’s high school sweetheart. You should give her a call while you’re in town, I’ve heard she’s still single.”

“Mom,” Leif’s tone is tight around the edges, but pleasant enough to not be suspicious as he grabs the picture from her hands and glances at Tobin apologetically, trying to say everything he wants to say wordlessly in front of his mother, opting for a sigh instead. “I thought I asked you to put all that stuff away.”

“Oh, come on, your friend here should see every side of you,” She replies, fingers moving in to pinch his cheek obnoxiously. “Even the awkward high school phases.”

“Jesus Chri —”

Leif’s mom cuts him off with a wave of her hand and a disappointed stare, before turning to Tobin.

“Do you have a girlfriend?”

Tobin’s eyes widen before he can stop them, nodding his head smoothly before switching to shaking his head not-so-smoothly.

“Nope,” He hesitates at the slightly confused look his mom is giving him. “Not that I haven’t. Had a girlfriend. I’ve had so many girlfriends, like, you can’t even count ‘em. Not that I’m like a slut or… or anything.”

So, now finishing sentences is a-okay, when he desperately needs someone to make him stop talking. Cool, cool, cool.

“Anyways, uh… Let me show you to your room, if my son’s done being a spoil-sport and you’re done, um… with that.”

Tobin’s eyebrows raise, trying to hide the disappointment he knows has already landed across his face before Leif jumps in with a stutter.

“I, um, I kind of thought he could just stay in my room. With me. I mean, we already live together, we could just —”

“Oh, honey, no,” The condescension drips from her voice as she swats her son playfully on the arm. “I would never make two grown men share the same bed. Come on, buddy, I’ll show you downstairs.”

He’s not sure if it’s the condescending way she talks to Leif or calling him ‘buddy’ that makes him hate her more, but he follows her downstairs, anyways, resigning to putting on the show of passiveness that he knows Leif needs from him right now.

So, she shows him the room in the basement and only says a couple mildly concerning things about how it used to be Jude’s room but they didn’t wanna feel like they were locking him away (did they wanna feel like they were locking their guests away?) and about how they had to take the lock off of the door because he was plagued by night terrors about being locked in.

And then he’s finally alone and he can lay on the bed and let all of the breath out of his chest in one fell swoop.

He doesn’t actually want to be alone at all; he’d rather have an arm around Leif or be kissing his neck in every spot that he knows is sensitive, but that’s not exactly an option and he’d much rather be alone right now than having to act like he’s not in love with Leif and like he’s not thinking about how absolutely horrible his family is treating him regardless of the whole bisexuality thing.

The situation just sucks, overall.

And when things suck, he does one of two things. He either calls Leif (not exactly a viable option here) or calls Zoey.

So, he grabs his phone from where he’d plopped it on the bed next to him and dials her number, waiting for her to pick up.

“Go for Zoey,”

“I’ve never been more uncomfortable in my life. The time that I thought a stranger was Beyonce and begged for her autograph was a better experience than this.”

“Woah, woah, woah. Is his family that bad?”

“Yes, but… no, that’s not what’s…” He sits up as he trails off, pushing himself up against the headboard. “He lied. He said he was out to them and he’s not and now I’m pretending to be his orphan roommate, which is fucked up on so many levels by the way, and his family is so condescending and I get why he’s not out to them if they act like this all the time, but that doesn’t mean he should’ve invited me here knowing that and I feel bad because I wanna be there for him, but I can’t because roommates don’t just hug each other for no reason and roommates don’t share rooms, even though it’s in the word, and I just —”

“Hey, Tobes, take a deep breath.”

When she says that, he realizes that he hasn’t really been breathing, more focused on getting the words and thoughts out of his head than the things his body’s gotta do to survive and he hates it because this whole freaking out thing is so not him. He’s cool and collected and suave and things don’t get under his skin like this, he can ignore things when they bother him and he doesn’t go on rants like that.

“So… let’s jump back. You’re pretending to be his orphan roommate?”

“Yeah, he, uh — he told them I needed to come home with him because my parents are ‘no longer with us’ and I had nowhere else to go.”

“So they really think you’re just roommates and that he brought his gay best friend home for Christmas cause he didn’t have anywhere else to go?”

“Nope, they think I’m straight, too. God knows how, after I went on a rant about not being a slut when asked about it, but...”

“Tobes, this is bad. You’re… god, I just feel bad, I wish I had advice here.”

“It’ll be fine, I just needed to… get that out. Sorry for venting like that.”

“C’mon, you can always talk to me, you know that. Just… be careful. This situation does not sound fun, but it does sound very easy to make worse.”

“I hear you.” He sighs again, looking around the room and wishing, not for the first time in the past ten minutes, that Leif was sitting next to him on the bed. “Anyways, uh, I also needed to check in on the pets. What’s up with them?”

“The pets, right. I fed the cats and the dogs and I let them out to play and stuff, they’re fine.”

“And the fish?”

“The fish…” Zoey sounds suspiciously hesitant at that one. “The fish are great. The fish are… thriving, they are… doing what fish do.”

Tobin bites his tongue instead of asking her exactly what fish do.

“Uh, thanks. For watching the pets and for letting me vent. You’re the best, Z, seriously.”

“Just try to stay in one piece. I’d like to still have a best friend when you come back, okay?”

“I’ll try.” Tobin lets an actual laugh fall out of his chest at that. “See ya, Z.”

He hangs up the phone and slides down the headboard. He can let himself rest his eyes until dinner. He’s earned that much.

Chapter Text

Tobin didn’t mean to fall asleep. He really didn’t. So, it was quite a shock to wake up to Leif kneeling next to him on the bed and shaking his shoulder lightly.

“Hey, everybody left for dinner, like, five minutes ago.”

“Oh, shit,” He shoots up from where he’d fallen asleep, stumbling past Leif and snatching his tennis shoes off the floor, shoving them ungracefully onto his feet as Leif laughs a little bit and slides off the bed and why is he laughing? Tobin’s kind of trying to make a good first impression here, so when Leif does tell his family about him they won’t hate him. Being late to the first thing he’s been invited to because he fell asleep isn’t exactly making the best first impression.

“Tobes, hey,” Leif catches his arm as he’s scrambling to grab his phone off the bed and makes him face him and how does he look so goddamn calm right now? Leif is, like, the last person to not freak out when given the opportunity. “Tobes. I told them we’d meet them there. You’re okay.”

Tobin lets the breath out of his chest with a sigh, thwapping Leif on the arm as he relaxes, earning him a confused look in the process.

“You could’ve led with that part, jackass.”

“I was a little too focused on wanting to do this,” He leans in swiftly and captures Tobin’s lips with his own, wrapping his arm around the small of his back and pulling him in as close as he can, while he doesn’t have to worry about his parents or brother barging in on them. After far too short a time, in Leif’s humble opinion, he pulls away and rests his forehead against Tobin’s. “Y’know, just.. while we can.”

Tobin doesn’t respond, instead grabbing Leif by the neck and hungrily pushing their lips back together, backing up and pulling Leif with him until his knees hit the edge of the bed and he lets himself fall back, letting Leif fall on top of him as the kisses get sloppier and more desperate.

“Mhm,” Leif moans into Tobin’s mouth when he slots his leg between Leif’s, putting light pressure into it as his hand moves up to tangle in short blonde hair, pulling on it lightly and pulling a gasp out of Leif against his lips.

Tobin’s lips wander easily to Leif’s neck, sucking right at the collar of his shirt and pulling at his tie, trying to loosen it in a desperate attempt to access the skin below where he knows if he scrapes his teeth across his Adam’s apple, he can draw out the most wicked sounds from his throat, until Leif starts to try to speak through a gasp.

“To - oh, Tobin — no, Tobin, hey,” Leif finally wills himself to actually pull away as Tobin’s head plops back down onto the bed behind them with a sigh, looking up at Leif’s flushed cheeks and hella dilated pupils (which is nothing compared to how red his lips are as they part in shallow breaths) while he tries to catch his breath. “We can’t, um — we can’t do that, we gotta get to dinner.”

Tobin groans beneath him and looks past Leif’s head blankly, trying desperately to ignore the hard-on in his jeans now.

The car ride to the restaurant at least gives him a chance to hold Leif’s hand for a little bit, which is nice, but it’s over far too soon for his liking when Leif stops the car and leans over to press a kiss to his cheek.

“No more surprises, I promise.” He moves his hand to cup his jaw as he speaks, an overly sincere and overly apologetic look gracing his face as he leans in for one last soft kiss before he pulls away with a deep breath. “Let’s kick this dinner’s ass, Tobes.”

“Or… something.” Tobin mutters as he steps out of the car and follows Leif into the restaurant, suddenly feeling very underdressed in his color-blocked hoodie and ripped jeans as he looks around the restaurant and sees gold dresses and full suits and… sitting with Leif’s family, the pretty blonde from the picture in Leif’s room.

“Okay, um… One more surprise.” Leif lets out a breathy chuckle with a shake of his head as they approach the table and see… one chair and one stool. At best. It’s more of a platform than anything else.

“Oh, I’m sorry, we had to ask them to bring an extra chair for you, Tobin, we made this reservation months ago and they’re very in demand.” His mom says, politeness straining at the edges of her smile; a smile that Tobin is slowly noticing is more acidic than anything else.

“It’s cool, I’ll sit on the, uh…” Leif looks down and grimaces a little bit. “Chair is a poignant word for that.”

Tobin sits down on the normal chair and tries to ignore the lingering glances of Leif’s family members as he does (seriously, he’d like to give them a piece of his mind if they’re judging him for taking the taller chair; his boy’s like seven feet tall, he can more than make up the height that the smaller seat costs him) combined with the polite smile of Leif’s high school sweetheart across the table as Leif’s family picks the conversation back up.

Tobin tries not to let it get to him. He really does. But he can only take so many not-so-subtle hints that Leif should start dating Autumn again, combined with funny stories of Leif's senior year that Tobin knows he's heard before with the presence of Autumn conveniently removed from them before he has to excuse himself to the bathroom and splash water on his face as he forces a deep breath into his lungs.

His head turns slightly when the door opens and he relaxes when he sees Leif enter the room and not a stranger.

“I’m really sorry.” Leif approaches the sink where Tobin now leans against, arms crossed over his chest. “Like, ridiculously sorry. I know this sucks.”

“Yeah, no goddamn shit, sherlock.” Tobin lets out a dry chuckle, ignoring the slight wetness in his own eyes. It would be a real pussy move right now to cry in a men’s bathroom because Leif’s family is kind of rude. That’s not gonna stop him, though, when he just wants to hold his boyfriend’s fucking hand without worrying about who sees it.

“I promise,” He reaches out to grab Tobin’s hand and Tobin tries to ignore the fact that Leif looks a little bit like he’s about to cry, too, his facial features twisted into a scrunched up guilt-fest. “As soon as we’re through here, it’s free sailing. No more worrying about my family. I’ll tell them and there’ll be… no more surprises. I mean it this time.”

Tobin’s about to lean in and kiss his stupid face again (a last ditch effort to pull him closer in the few minutes they can be alone here) when the door opens and Leif drops his hand faster than he could say “closet-case”.

“Oh my god,” The man that walks in looks directly at Leif with a shocked look on his face and he looks familiar. Why, exactly, does he look familiar? “Leif Donnelly. It has been too long.”

Oh, shit. That’s why he looks familiar.

“Simon Haynes.” The name drops from Tobin’s tongue before he can stop himself, a grimace crossing his face as soon as he’s said it.

“Ooh, you know my name. That’s not a good sign for what Leif’s told you about me.” Simon sticks his hand out for Tobin to shake and Tobin does, kind of unsure of what else to do. “Obviously, you know me, but I’m Simon Haynes, for the record.”

“Tobin Batra. Leif’s, uh…” He swallows heavily as Simon drops his hand, eyes flitting over to Leif’s very panicked eyes for less than a second. “Leif’s roommate. Y’know, rent’s crazy high in San Francisco, gotta get that roommate split goin’ on, y’know? Plus, my parents are kind of dead, so I’ve really gotta bargain hunt, right?”

“O… kay,” Simon doesn’t pretend to hide his confusion, but he does laugh a little bit at Tobin’s word vomit, every emotion clear on his face that Tobin wishes he would stop talking at least as much as Simon does. “Uh, Leif, it’s been forever. What’s up?”

“What’s up? Um, I, uh - I’m a, uh, I’m a programmer. I live with Tobin. I’m here with family. You know how it is.”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it. I’m with family, too. My dad, uh…” Simon hesitates and Tobin’s trying really hard to read this guy but it’s kind of hard when he’s got that perpetual soft smile-smolder thing goin’ on. “He’s not here, but my mom dragged me out tonight. Said a nice dinner might be a good change of scenery, get my mind off work. I finally got through med school, so you are talking to Dr. Simon Haynes right now. Take a second to drink that in.”

“Right, yeah, that was… that was what you always wanted to do.” Leif says, and Tobin tries not to read too hard into the soft smile on his face; almost prideful. “That’s great, dude. I’m sure your family’s proud of you.

“You know it.” Simon replies easily, bringing two fingers to his forehead for a light salute and a wink at Leif and shit, Tobin tries really hard not to read into that, too. “We’ve had a rough year, I… I think we all needed a win.”

“I’m proud of you, dude.” Leif steps forward to leave a light ‘thwap’ on Simon’s shoulder. “We should, uh, we should get back to my family, but…” Leif hesitates, squaring his shoulders and tilting his head and Tobin really wishes he knew what that meant. “It really does — um, I’m glad to see you happy. You deserve it.”

Leif gives him one last small smile before moving past him towards the door and Tobin figures he should follow, letting his body lead the way while his brain catches up.

He stops Leif briefly in the hallway before they step back into view of his family.

“That was your first boyfriend.”

“Yes.”

“No more surprises, my ass.”

“I - I really am sorry, Tobes. There’s no way I could’ve known Simon would be here. Or Autumn, for that matter. This is like… one long, shitty line of people from my past and I wanna get out of here, just as much as you do, I swear.”

“Okay.” Tobin sounds resigned as he says it. At this point, he’s not a hundred percent sure that he believes Leif, but he sure wants to, so he follows him back to the table and listens to passive aggressive comments about how perfect he and Autumn were for each other and he watches Leif’s dad wave at Simon’s mom across the restaurant and make a remark about how it’s ‘such a shame that they’re not friends anymore, Simon was such a bright kid’.

By the time they make it home, Tobin just wants to sleep. And so he does, leaving Leif in the foyer with a promise of sneaking some alone time soon and hoping they can actually follow through on that.

When he wakes up in the morning, he feels… confused. He’s not even fully conscious before he registers movement in the room with him and warily opens his eyes to glance around until he sees a Leif-heighted person (though, it’s definitely not Leif, he’s slouching too much) rifling through a toy chest on the other side of the room.

“Um, who are you?” Tobin’s voice seems to take a second to register in the guy’s ears before he turns around with a start and shakes his head.

“Sorry, I, uh, I was trying not to wake you up, it’s just the, uh, my kids usually stay in this room and all their toys are in here and they’re begging for these specific toys.” He shakes the toys he’s pulled out of the chest with a soft chuckle as he finishes the sentence with an apologetic glance. “I’m Alex, you must be the orphan.”

“Right. That’s me, the orphan. My parents are dead.” Tobin realizes as he’s speaking that maybe it’s a little suspicious to sound that apathetic and half-joking about it, but he’s honestly finding less and less energy in himself to keep up this stupid charade. If it weren’t for Leif, he’d have given up the second they’d stepped into the house.

“Okay,” His eyebrows draw into a slightly baffled expression as he heads towards the door. “Sorry to bother you. Seriously.”

Well, no use going back to sleep now that he’s awake and the sun is streaming directly onto his bed through the tiny window at the top of the room.

With a sigh, he gets up and shoves a pair of jeans on, leaving the hoodie and t-shirt that he slept in on as he heads up to the kitchen and finds Leif scrolling through something on his tablet (he’s pretty sure that he’s breaking his Mom’s ‘no work’ rule, which seems to only apply to Leif, anyway, but Tobin’s no snitch) while his Mom buzzes from place to place in the kitchen, almost like she’s gonna get burnt or something if she just stands the hell still.

He’s followed in by the brother he’d just met and two children trailing in on either side of him, clinging tightly to the toys Tobin recognizes from their short conversation mere minutes ago.

“Good morning, boys,” His mom greets as she flips a pancake on the stove, glancing back at those that have just entered the room as Leif smiles up at Tobin; Tobin almost leans down to kiss him on instinct, stopping himself just short of actually leaning in and he’s suddenly very grateful that his mom seems to be distracted by the stove and his brother is too busy lifting his kids up to sit on the counter where he can play with them to notice the almost mistake as he meets Leif’s panicked eyes and mouths ‘sorry’ as he sits across from him at the half-kitchen-nook-half-table. “I see you’ve met Alex. He, Ellie, and the twins got in this morning. Our big hedge-fund manager.”

“Well, I met Alex. The kids are new.” One of the kids is staring Tobin in the eyes now as he waves lightly and smiles at him.

“And you’ve gotta stop telling people I’m a hedge fund manager while I’m taking a break.” Alex moves his gaze to Tobin when his Mom responds with an exasperated shrug. “Everything’s still in my name, but by all technicalities, my friend Jeff is managing the hedge fund while I do the,” He squeezes one of the kid’s cheeks lightly. “much more important job of raising these little goobers.”

“And if you’re not careful with how long you take, you won’t have that less important job when you decide to go back.” His mom’s tone is admonishing and he rolls his eyes in possibly the least subtle way possible as Leif takes a sip of his coffee with wide ‘this isn’t my business’ eyes. “I’m just saying, they’re not even your kids.”

“Mom, seriously, can we not do this in front of them?”

Alex’s distressed eyes glance from his kids to Leif and Tobin trying very hard to mind their own business.

“Whatever. It’s your life, you can keep driving towards failure if you’d like to.”

Wow. So, apparently it’s not just Leif that bears the brunt of… whatever his mom’s even doing here; it’s not quite passive aggressive, but it’s not straight up aggressive, either, and if it’s leaving Tobin this confused, he can’t even imagine how the Donnelly sibling trio must feel at pretty much all times.

“Anyways,” His mom moves through the kitchen with two plates of pancakes, setting them down in front of Leif and Tobin respectively. “Leif, I hope you’ve told Tobin what the deal is for the party tonight.”

Even if Tobin wouldn’t have been able to be sure that Leif hadn’t told him based on the fact that he’s Tobin and he’s not heard about it, he’d be able to tell by the way Leif’s eyes widen above his coffee mug and how he clumsily sets it down.

“Of course I did. I wouldn’t forget to do that.” Jackass. “Right, I told him that the investor,” His eyes move quickly to Tobin’s, begging for backup. “is gonna be there and that we, as a family, need to make a really good impression for Dad.”

Tobin nods his head and smiles with a ‘yup’ above the table, shoving his foot into Leif’s shin under the table for not telling him that.

“Good.” His mom smiles at the both of them; she’s either gotta be willfully obtuse or completely naive to have fallen for that mediocre performance, but Tobin’s not gonna complain if it means the spotlight’s shifting off them for the morning.

Leif mouths another ‘sorry’ in his direction as soon as the rest of the room is preoccupied again and Tobin lets the breath out of his chest and relaxes into his seat, starting to think about how exactly he can be on his best behavior tonight.

Chapter Text

It turns out that Tobin didn’t really need to figure out how to be on his best behavior, because apparently, Leif can’t spend a single second by his side.

It’s not like he can blame him or even like he didn’t expect it, knowing that Leif would be spending a good chunk of this party trying to make his Dad look good. He’s still disappointed, though, sipping from a glass of white wine that he’s really starting to wish was red wine (if only for the fact that it would get him buzzed faster) as he stares across the room where Leif stands in a tight circle, laughing and chatting with his mother, father, two people he doesn’t recognize, and, once again, Autumn.

He tries not to let a pang of jealousy hit his chest as he watches Autumn drag Leif away from the group they’re standing with to linger by the stairs and talk privately, but he fails and takes a long chug of wine that lingers uncomfortably in his throat to compensate for it.

“I’m sorry.” A voice next to him at the bar drags his attention away from Leif and Autumn and to his left where Leif’s brother has just sat down and is nursing a cocktail. “That you don’t know anyone here, that’s gotta be awkward.”

“Yeah, tell me about it.” He replies, dragging another sip from his glass and punctuating it with a sigh. “I mean, it’s fine, I guess. He’s just...”

“I don’t know, I’d be kinda pissed if my friend dragged me to a fancy ass party like this and then ditched me all night. That’s just me.”

Tobin hesitates for a second, thumb circling the bottom of his wine glass before he lets himself decide that yeah. He is a little pissed and he has the right to be.

“It just feels like -”

“Right,” Alex interrupts him with a hand on his shoulder. “I was just making small talk. I don’t actually care how you feel about the party. I’m gonna go dance with my wife.”

Well, okay, then.

Alex leaves just as soon as he’d started talking to Tobin, leaving his cocktail abandoned on the counter as he goes to find his wife amidst the crowd and it leaves Tobin’s heart on the floor with it as he thinks about a world where he could even have the possibility of dancing with Leif right now.

He lets himself glance back over at the stairwell where Autumn’s hand rests lightly on Leif’s arm as she says something that makes him let out a light laugh and a breathless smile and… okay, he needs some air. Hardcore.

“So… Be honest. You totally didn’t know I was gonna be there last night, right? Your parents sprung that on you?” Autumn sips from the wine glass in her hand delicately, a light smile meeting Leif’s deer-caught-in-the-headlights gaze before he lets a light laugh fall from his lips, shaking his head as he sips from his own wine glass.

“How’d you figure that one out? Was it the paleness or the way my mouth flopped open like a - like a shocked guppy fish?”

“Hm… I’m gonna go with both. Though, for the record, the stuttering’s a dead giveaway for you, too.” She lays her hand on his arm as she speaks, a faux-matter-of-fact-ness coming over her as she nods solemnly.

“Oh, I’ll keep that in mind.” He laughs again as her hand lingers and then falls with a smile aimed at him. “Yeah, I guess I gotta work on my poker face. You would not believe how much money it’s lost me.”

“Ooohh, a gamblin’ man.”

“Well, uh, not exactly. Fake money. Monopoly money, actually. We have several fake betting pools at work. But it’s lost me a lot of Monopoly money.”

“Is this… monopoly money good for anything?”

“Oh, absolutely not. Eventually, you can trade it in for a free coffee at the cafe downstairs, but I, uh, I’ve never made it that far. Boy, have I tried, though.”

Autumn laughs again, shaking her head with it as he meets it with a soft smile.

“I’ve missed this.” She says lightly, taking another sip from her glass as he waits for her to continue. “I know it must’ve been a shock to see me and you’re probably a little pissed at your family for it, but we really should catch up.”

“Yeah. Yeah, we should.”

The first thing he thinks to do when the cold air hits his face after stepping outside is pull out his phone and dial Zoey’s number. He highly doubts she’ll have any actual advice, based on who she is as a person, but he thinks he’d kill just to hear a friendly voice right now, even if it’s a voice that’s no doubt gonna make fun of him.

“You’ve reached Kohl’s.”

“You don’t work at… y’know what, whatever.”

“What’s up?” He can hear the concern in her voice before he’s even started talking about how he feels and that’s enough to make him freeze for a second, second guessing if he even wants to vent at all if it’s gonna put that soft edge in her voice. The last thing he wants right now is Zoey’s pity, on top of everything else. “It looks like you’re at a fancy mansion. How rich is Leif’s family?”

“What? No, we’re just at a part — wait, how do you know where I am?”

“So, you weren’t listening when I said ‘I track everyone’? That includes you, bud. How’s the party?”

Tobin’s mouth flops open and closed, mind running fast to try and decide what part of that he should even respond to.

“Pretty shitty, honestly.” He sighs, sitting down on a bench facing a fountain in the middle of the courtyard he’s stepped out into. “I just wanna kiss his stupid face and hold his hand and spend time with him, but it’s like everytime we get a semblance of alone time, we get interrupted or he has to go help his dad with something or he just gets in his own head about getting caught and on top of that, his ex is here again and I know there’s no universe where he’s still in love with her, but it still just sucks watching him talk to her all night while I’m choking back glass after glass of wine like some sad ass MILF and I’m just… I’m just tired, Zoey, I really wish I’d stayed home.”

“I’m sorry, Tobes.” He can hear her sigh on the other end of the line and he can tell that there’s a little bit more fire in that sigh than exasperation.

“Zoey, don’t be mad at Leif.”

“I’m not mad at Leif.”

“Zoey.”

“Okay, I’m a little mad at Leif. C’mon, Tobes, he invited you out there under the pretense that he was out to his family and then he wasn’t and now you’re all mopey and sad while he’s talking his ex’s ear off. I’m just saying you have a right to be mad. Be mad.”

“Alright, one, I’m not all mopey and sad, you’re all mopey and sad.” He knows he sounds like a petulant child, but he can’t really find it in himself to care. “Two, I’m not gonna be mad just ‘cause you told me to.”

“What if I say it more aggressively?” He can practically hear her coy, teasing smile in all its awkwardness and it makes him yearn to be sitting anywhere but this small courtyard of this rich family’s house. “Be mad.”

“Alright, moving on. How are the animals?” He hesitates, narrowing his eyes even though he knows she can’t see him. “The fish?”

“The fish?” She sounds caught off guard and he almost rolls his eyes at the faux-casualty dripping from her tone. “The fish are great. Fantastico. Extraordinaire. In fact, I love these fish so much, I was just, I was wondering - where would I get fish exactly like these ones? Like, so much that even a fish noob like me wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.”

“Right. I’m gonna leave you to sort that out. Thanks for letting me vent, Z.”

“Anytime. But seriously, Tobes, you have the right to be mad. Or even just a little upset.”

“Thanks.”

He ends the call with a sigh, letting his head rest against the wall behind him and feeling the cool air brushing against his skin until he hears the door open and his eyes drift up to see Simon approaching him. Great.

“Tobin, right?” He points at him as he casually saunters up to him, sitting on the other side of the bench and resting his arm across the back of it. “You disappeared a while ago. Everything okay?”

“I’m fine.” His voice is guarded around the words and he’s pretty sure even he wouldn’t believe himself at this rate. “Why wouldn’t I be fine?”

“I dunno, I just know how it is with Leif. Plus, I figured you might wanna talk to someone who’s, uh, not sipping from the opposite glass, if you know what I mean.”

“I don’t. Know what you mean.” He says, his voice short as he stares at the fountain in the middle.

“Oh, uh — that was just a thought. Based on an assumption. That I should not have made.” Simon nods thoughtfully, following Tobin’s gaze to the fountain. “But if that assumption were true, I get it. I get what it’s like to only see the good half of him and then to see the not so pretty parts and to wish you didn’t. To wish you could just go back to thinking he hung the moon and stars, y’know?”

Tobin is quiet for a second as he takes a deep breath into his chest and ignores the way Simon’s words claw at his chest and try to work their way under his skin.

“It’s not like that.” He finally replies, quieter than he means to, almost a whisper under the sounds of the fountain and the chilly december wind rushing around them. His voice is stronger again when he finds the voice to speak up. “You don’t know me, bro. Or Leif. You’ve not talked since high school, don’t act like you know who he is now. Cause you don’t.”

“Tobin, I’m not trying to attack you. Or him. I’m just saying I get it.” He punctuates it by standing up and walking backwards towards the door. “Catch you around, Tobesterdam.” He beams as he steps towards the door before hesitating and turning back towards Tobin. “I’ve been trying out the nickname thing, that clearly did not work and I am sorry for making you hear that.”

He points two fingers at him in a kind-of half finger guns gesture with an 1000-watt smile and a soft laugh before turning back again and heading inside and damn. He definitely sees what Leif saw in him. Which does not help the pang of jealousy that hits his stomach when he stares back through the window to see Leif still laughing with Autumn.

He heads back inside after a couple of minutes and it’s another hour of sipping on wine that doesn’t taste good enough for what he’s sure the bottle is priced at before Leif sloppily slides into the seat next to him, wobbly with tipsiness as he rests his head on his palm and tells Tobin he called an uber to take them back to his parent’s house.

He wants to be mad when Leif starts kissing his shoulder and clinging to his side in the backseat of the uber after ditching him for a majority of the night, but the wine buzz coursing through his veins makes it considerably hard to focus on anything but the sensation of Leif’s lips moving to kiss the side of his neck and then to suck lightly on the tender skin beneath his ear.

When the uber pulls in, Leif whispers ‘come upstairs’ against his skin and shit, he’s not gonna say no to finally getting some alone time in a room with a lock on the door, no matter how much of a grudge he’s holding about being ditched.

“C’mere,” Tobin’s hand reaches for his tie as soon as the door is closed and locked behind them, crashing their lips together in what he’d probably consider too rough a fashion in any other situation based on the yelp that it draws from Leif’s throat, but he doesn’t have long to dwell on that before the yelp turns into a groan from the back of his throat as Tobin pushes him back towards the bed.

“Mhm,” Leif moans into his mouth as Tobin pushes him down onto his back, settling into his lap and moving quickly to loosen his tie, pulling out the knot and tossing it to the side as his fingers work to start unbuttoning his shirt, exposing his neck enough for his lips to travel down, sucking on sensitive skin and relishing in the sounds that it draws from the back of Leif’s throat, choked and raw as he tugs his shirt from where it’s tucked into slim-cut khakis.

Leif’s hand finds its way into Tobin’s hair, fingers tightening around loose strands when his teeth scrape over Leif’s Adam’s apple, drawing another moan out of his throat and this time it’s Tobin that can feel Leif’s hard-on pressed against his thigh and he readjusts his leg to push lightly against it, the pressure making a gasp fall from Leif’s lips, exaggerated by the shudder that Tobin draws out with a scrape of his fingernail over a quickly hardening nipple.

“Fuck, Tobes,” He sucks hard on his jugular, his hand moving down to undo his belt and pull it out of the loops swiftly, tossing it to the side without a second thought.

“I’ve wanted to do this all fucking night,” He speaks against Leif’s skin, his stubble irritating already angry skin where his lips have sucked it raw. His lips travel now, to each sensitive spot that he knows will make Leif weak, begging for more beneath him. They don’t exactly have time to tease, but he’s damn sure gonna do the best with what he’s got.

He finally reaches down to unbutton Leif’s khakis when there’s a sharp, loud knock on the door.

“Leif?” Jude’s voice rings through the locked door as Leif’s eyes flutter shut in frustration and a sigh wracks its way out of his chest.

“Maybe if we’re quiet he’ll go away.” He whispers, though there’s no actual hope of that happening in his voice.

“Leif, Mom needs the decorations from under your bed.”

“Goddammit,” He mutters under his breath, pushing a breathless Tobin up and off him as he swiftly buttons his pants back up. “Just one second.”

He looks around panicked as his fingers briskly button his shirt back up until his eyes catch on his closet door.

“Here, in here,” He grabs Tobin’s arm and drags him towards the closet as he opens the door and hurries him inside.

“You’re really gonna literally shove me in a closet? That feels symbolic, dude.”

“I’m sorry.” He at least has the decency to actually sound apologetic, pressing a quick kiss to his cheek before shutting the door silently.

He takes a second to compose himself, looking down at his clothes to make sure they don’t look too much like he was definitely about to get laid. Alright, cool. He can do this.

“Sorry, I was, uh… I was trying to change.” The lie rolls semi-easily off his tongue, only letting a mild amount of how flustered he feels shine through as he opens the door to face Jude. “Had to get re-dressed.”

A light forced laugh chokes its way out of his throat as Jude gives him a thoughtful look and brushes past him to look under his bed for the decorations. He’s suddenly very conscious of the red marks littering his neck and he prays that his collar is high enough to cover most of them.

“Looks like you and Autumn had a good reunion, huh?” Jude’s eyes linger on his collar as he carries the box past Leif and into the doorway. “What? Did you sneak into a bathroom? Nice.”

“Right. Yeah.” He doesn’t like the nervous swirling that the lie brings to his stomach. “That’s… exactly what we did. Me and Autumn. Nice.”

The words sound empty coming from his throat and he can’t even muster up the energy to make the lie sound convincing past the guilt in his stomach as Jude waves goodnight and heads back down the stairs. What’s another lie on top of a dozen?

Chapter Text

“So, you and Autumn had a lot of fun in the bathroom.”

Tobin breezes past him when he opens the closet door, hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans, passive aggression leaking from his voice as Leif lets a sigh drift from his lips.

“I feel like a broken record saying ‘I’m sorry’.” His shoulders sag forward as he talks, shrugging lightly; the energy to fight seems to have left with the box of Christmas decorations, if it had ever been there at all. “He… I mean, he implied it and I just didn’t know what else to say. It’s not like,” He gestures to his neck. “It’s not like I can say I got attacked by leeches or something, these are… pretty obviously hickies. Jude may be a dumbass sometimes, but he’s way too smart to believe anything else.”

Tobin glances back at him, eyes catching on his neck before shrugging his own shoulders and giving him a half-sympathetic look.

“Alright, yeah, that one might be a little bit on me, I got a little carried away. Sorry.”

Tobin’s voice is way too genuinely apologetic (though, the hint of frustration hasn’t left it either, rough around the edges and pushing for release) as he plops down onto the bed and Leif’s heart stirs. This isn’t anywhere near his fault. Leif had been the one to invite him, the one who’s too scared to tell his family, the reason they were so desperate to use this alone time (or what semblance of alone time it was, anyways) to make out and, subsequently, why Tobin got carried away in the first place.

“They must’ve been very horny leeches.” Tobin adds as Leif sits next to him, putting his arm around him and drawing him closer into his side as he lets himself laugh at that.

“Leeches just have a thing for me, I can’t explain it.”

Tobin lets out a dry chuckle, leaning into Leif’s side and sighing; in moments like this, at least they can still make each other laugh, can lift the weight from each other’s shoulders, even if only for mere moments.

“Watch out before I get jealous of these hypothetical horny leeches.” Tobin looks up as he says it, a tentative smile pulling at the corners of his lips as he makes eye contact with Leif again.

“Hey, seriously, I’m really sorry.” Leif’s hand finds Tobin’s and drags it over to his lap as he starts, playing with his fingers lightly. “I didn’t… I know this sucks on, like, ten different levels and inviting you in the first place was a grade-A jackass move. I just…”

Leif trails off and Tobin watches the dejected way his eyes follow the movement of his thumb across Tobin’s palm.

Tobin’s hand moves to cup Leif’s cheek lightly, turning his head towards him and pressing a soft kiss to his lips. Leif leans into it, desperate and needy in the softest way possible, his hand moving immediately to catch on Tobin’s thigh, the other hand gripping the front of his hoodie and pulling him closer. Tobin pulls away far too soon for Leif’s liking, resting his forehead against Leif’s and rubbing his thumb tenderly across his cheek as Leif lets out the breath from his chest, like he’s been holding it in for too long.

“Let’s just… do that for a while and not think about it, okay?”

Leif hesitates, his thumb rubbing softly on Tobin’s thigh as he lets himself think, his hand still gripping his hoodie (he’s gripping it tight, too, like if he lets up on his grip Tobin’s gonna slip right away and, quite frankly, that’s the last thing he wants right now; he’s trying very distinctly hard to keep Tobin by his side and there’s a not-so-small part of him that’s terrified that he’s failing in that regard, like in most regards) and he really, really doesn’t wanna let go.

“Okay.”

Waking up in Leif’s arms is never gonna get old. But it’s especially nice now to stir awake and turn around and press his face into his chest and take a deep breath of pure, unadulterated Leif as he tightens his arms around Tobin and they sleepily meld into one lump of men, legs twisted together at the end of the bed.

“Mhm, g’morning…” Tobin’s voice is muffled by Leif’s chest and it’s just met with a grunt and a sloppy readjusting of Leif’s head to press a kiss into Tobin’s hair.

“I don’t wanna get up.” Leif mumbles against Tobin’s hair after another minute passes, voice still rough with sleep and a little bit of desperation to just stay with Tobin.

When they get up, they have to start pretending again. When they get up, he can’t hold him tight against his chest or press another kiss into his hair or trail his middle finger down his spine and back up again and hear his little sleepy grunt as he shoves his face further into his chest.

Alas, they have to get up. He has to roll onto his back and stretch out and get dressed. And Tobin has to give him one last desperate kiss before sneaking back down to his own room to change and meet him in the kitchen where they have to sit on opposite sides of the kitchen island, pretending that Leif didn’t get the daylights fucked out of him less than eight hours earlier and Tobin has to choke on his cereal when Leif’s mom asks where he was this morning when she went to check on him (which, um... privacy, dude?!) and quickly sputter out something about how he’d gone for a jog (despite the fact that he’s literally never jogged in his life and he’s sure he looks that part, too).

And Tobin has to hear Leif’s mother ramble on about how ‘last year, some idiot ruined the White Elephant with the cheapest gift she’d ever seen’ and then face the shocked and appalled faces that are directed towards him when he asks ‘what’s the White Elephant’?

“Oh, um,” Leif’s mom starts, her back straightening and her eyes glancing towards where Leif’s scrunched his eyes shut with a slightly guilty expression clouding his face, cereal ignored in front of him. “I assumed Leif would’ve told you, every year we do a White Elephant gift exchange, it’s kind of… it’s kind of the big event of my Christmas party, so I can’t see why Leif wouldn’t have told you about it.”

“I, uh,” He shakes his head, dropping his spoon into the bowl and grimacing a little bit at the fact that he’d forgotten another huge fucking thing that he should’ve told Tobin about days ago. “Must’ve slipped my mind. Sorry.”

Leif’s voice is almost robotic as he says it, shoulders slouching forward and wetness building around his eyes. He really doesn’t think he can take another thing going wrong here.

“No worries,” Alex butts in, lifting one of his kids onto the island next to Tobin while he works to fill a sippy cup with juice. “I’ve gotta go to the mall to get some last minute gifts for the goobers, you’re more than welcome to come with.”

“Oh, I don’t think that’s -” Leif tries to add, hoping to save Tobin from spending a day with his brother, but Tobin’s already cut him off with a dejected ‘sounds great’ and a half-hearted thumbs up before turning back to the bowl of soggy cereal in front of him.

“Cool, we’ll be leaving in about an hour.”

So, that’s how Tobin winds up following Leif’s brother and his two kids (who aren’t actually his kids? Tobin’s still a little confused on the logistics of his relationship with his wife and his relationship to her kids, but he thinks it would be pretty rude to ask for clarification at this point) from store to store in the mall, trying and failing to find anything that Alex seems to think would be good enough for his mother’s precious White Elephant.

“No, seriously, I know you probably think I’m just being a dick right now and shooting down your ideas, but our mom is… she’s insane, Tobin. She kicked someone out last year for bringing what she deemed a ‘shitty gift’ and it was literally vintage clothing, worth thousands of dollars. And that’s not even what she thought the worst gift was, that poor dude’s not even allowed to come back this year.”

Tobin takes a deep breath as they walk away from the jewelry display they’d been looking at and then sighs.

“Aight, I’ll trust you on this, but you’ve gotta help me find something, man.”

“Of course, of course.” Alex gushes out as he taps at something on his phone. “I just… kind of need to meet someone in another store real quick, without the kids, can you - do you think you could…”

“You want me to stay with the kids while you go do something super suspicious?”

“Yes.” Alex responds flatly, making eye contact with Tobin with a slight pleading in his eyes.

“Yeah, okay.” Tobin gives in way too easily, waving him off as he practically flees the high end store they’re in, leaving Tobin with two kids he honestly doesn’t really know what to do with. At least they seem well-behaved.

They follow him to each section of the store that he looks through, talking mostly nonsense to each other, kid things that Tobin’s not gonna pretend to understand (and if he does understand when they start talking about Doc McStuffins, he’s gonna need you to stop asking questions, thank you very much), but he’s grateful at least that they’re not causing trouble and that he doesn’t really have to do anything besides be an adult in their vicinity.

He eventually finds a ring he thinks Leif will like (not that he ever actually wears rings, but Tobin knows he enjoys having them to look at and play around with and leave laying around on dressers, and he quotes, ‘for the aesthetic’; and, well, Tobin kind of needs something to propose with if he still plans on doing that, which he does, just… when they get home, rather than here, but he still wants it to be after Leif’s told his family - he still wants to make sure everything’s cool) and checks out, dropping quite a bit more money than he can afford as he lets the bag the cashier hands it to him in dangle by his side (and he’s sure Leif would have something to say about using that much plastic on a tiny ring, but Tobin’s electing to ignore Leif’s eco-centric conscious right now, he kind of needs this win).

What he doesn’t expect is for the shoplifting scanners at the door to go off when he walks through and for the security guards across the hallway to start asking him questions as they drag him (and the kids) away from the store, where they reach into the bag to find an expensive-looking necklace that he definitely did not put in there.

What the fuck?!

Tobin’s feeling kind of strung out and angry when he finally walks back into the Donnelly’s living room where he finds Leif on his phone, leaning back on the couch, and Alex walks through with the kids to the kitchen, leaving the two of them alone as Leif sits up straighter, putting his phone down beside him.

“Dude, what happened? Are you okay? Alex said you got arrested?”

“That’s a… strong way of saying that.” Tobin shakes his head as he plops down on the couch next to Leif, sinking immediately into the soft cushion behind him, angling his neck so it lays on top of the back of the couch. “I don’t know, someone must’ve slipped a necklace into my bag, they thought I stole it, I was detained and eventually they let me go and just took the stupid necklace back, after keeping me there for three fucking hours.”

“I mean, who would’ve —”

“Dude, don’t tell me you don’t believe me.”

“No, I do.” Leif makes a face that Tobin can’t quite decipher, before shaking his head and giving him a much more sympathetic look. “I do. It’s just… it’s weird.”

“Yeah, no fucking shit, dude.” Tobin’s voice is biting, aggressive and cold and he sees Leif recoil before he forces himself to take a deep breath, trying to relax further into the couch and actually relax his tense muscles. “Sorry. I know it’s weird, I still don’t know what the fuck happened. And I still don’t have a damn gift for your Mom’s dumb gift exchange.”

And that was probably the worst time for Angela to wander into the room, tentative eyes locking onto Tobin’s as he prays that she hadn’t heard him. Lucky for him, if she did, she ignores it.

“Tobin. Alex just filled me in on how your day went, I am so sorry that that happened to you.” Her smile is acidic and her voice even more so as she moves further into the room. “Of course, I don’t think you’d ever steal like that, but… you have to understand, everyone else is going to when this gets out, especially since you were with Alex and his kids, that just looks… bad. So, I’m going to have to ask you not to come to any more of our family events until the Christmas party, okay?”

Well, that’s fucking great. Say goodbye to the little bit of time he’d been getting to spend with Leif.

“Okay.”

Tobin tries really hard to not sound as upset as he feels, to not let the white hot anger that’s been burning underneath his skin for three hours in a shitty mall interrogation room out as Leif’s mother smiles another acidic smile and says ‘okay, honey’ before leaving the room.

“Hey,” Leif’s voice is soft as his hand rests on his knee, eyes carefully scanning each of the doorways to make sure it’s safe. “I’m sorry.”

“If you say you’re sorry one more time, I’m actually leaving, dude.”

“Right, sor — hm.” Leif catches himself, shaking his head and letting out a huff of a laugh. “Listen, I’m gonna be getting together with some high school friends after this party we’ve gotta go to tonight, it’s not… it’s not quite the same as actually getting to spend time together, but it’s better than nothing, right? I can let you know when we head over there and you can meet us there?”

“Sure. Yeah.” Tobin knows he doesn’t exactly sound enthusiastic at the prospect of hanging out with Leif’s high school friends, but he really thinks Leif should cut him some slack here, seeing as he’s not enthusiastic at the prospect. “I’ll, uh… I’ll find a stupid present while you’re at the party.”

“Cool.” Leif’s thumb rubs idly at his knee and Tobin hates that his eyes still have to glance between the doorways to make sure no one’s gonna walk in on such a small act of affection.

“I’m gonna, um… I’m gonna lay down, it’s been a long ass day.”

Tobin starts to get up and his stomach twists when Leif sits up, too.

“Do you want me to go with you?”

He can tell what Leif’s asking. Do you wanna cuddle, make out, fuck, hang out, all of the above, some of the above? And he hates that his answer is no, because any other day, any other circumstance, it would be an immediate fuck yes.

“I kinda just need to be alone for a minute.”

“Oh. Um… okay. Well… I’ll see you tonight?”

“Yeah.”

Chapter Text

Snow drifts past Tobin’s face, clinging to his clothes and making his skin sting where he’d been too dumb (and alright, maybe a little pissed and in a rush) to put on a proper jacket before leaving. He had no reason to be rushing. He didn’t have any deadlines and no one else was in the house, but the nap he’d taken (nap is a strong term for staring at the ceiling while his brain ran far too fast for him to actually process anything he’d thought about) had done nothing to calm the itching feeling of discomfort pulling under his chest the longer this weekend went on. He needed to get out.

He figured while he got out, he could at least keep looking for a stupid white elephant gift.

What he didn’t count on was striking out, once again, and catching a familiar face walking towards him through the light dusting of snow with the ghost of a smile as he walks out of yet another store empty handed.

“Tobin,” Simon greets as they come to a standstill in the middle of the sidewalk, Tobin shoving his hands into his pockets as he lets a polite smile onto his face. “We just keep running into each other.”

“Yeah.” Tobin responds simply, nodding if only because he’s not really sure what else is appropriate to do in this situation. It’s not everyday that you run into your apparently closeted boyfriend’s ex-boyfriend from high school. Especially this frequently. “Seems like it.”

“I’m just out shopping for Angela’s white elephant, I’m not looking to get kicked out this year.”

“This year? You’ve been kicked out before?” Tobin lets himself laugh as he says it, the image of golden boy Simon dissolving just a little bit in his head. “Do you go every year?”

“Yeah, the whole family does. It’s kind of a thing for the wealthier families here. If she stops inviting you, you’re ostracized. Completely. This year’s just weird, cause…” Simon hesitates, looking over his shoulder and out into the street before turning back to Tobin. “It doesn’t matter. You’re invited?”

“It’s pretty much the only thing I am invited to now. Lemme tell you, it’s been a fuckin’ day, dude.” He breaths out with the complaint, unsure of exactly why he even wants to complain to Simon. It’s not like they’re friends. “And I still don’t even have a stupid white elephant gift.

But maybe he’d understand. A little voice whispers in the back of his head. Maybe he’d understand a little more than you’re comfortable with. The voice sounds suspiciously like the astute observances of a certain pesky redhead best friend of his, but he elects to ignore it in favor of the thoughtful look that Simon gives him at that.

“Anything I can do to help?” Simon offers, tilting his head with it.

“I’d really like to drink some alcohol right now. Can you help with that?”

“Oh, for sure.”

Simon smiles and it’s radiant and a little awkward and Tobin really sees what high school Leif must’ve seen in him now as he gestures for him to fall in step beside him, making small conversation as they walk towards what Tobin certainly hopes is a bar.

When he enters after Simon holds the door for him, the first thing he registers is how dark it is and the second thing he registers is the soft singing floating through the room from a very charismatic drag queen giving it her all on the stage at the back of the bar.

Simon has already ordered and is being handed two drinks when Tobin tears his eyes from the singing to follow him to a booth in the corner, plopping in the seat opposite the other man as he pushes a drink across the table towards him.

“You got anything you wanna… talk about?” Simon asks carefully, prodding Tobin for what’s probably obvious beneath his ‘I don’t care’ surface.

“I don’t know.” The words leave his mouth flatly, followed by an immediate chug of the drink in front of him; where he’d considered less than a minute ago that he’d need several drinks to feel better, Simon seems to have ordered the strongest drink he possibly could, negating that worry entirely as Tobin grimaces. “I mean, I do, I wanna talk, I just… I don’t know where to start, dude. I’m just so pissed about so many things right now and they’re all headbutting each other and making each individual thing worse and I kind of just wanna scream more than anything else.”

Simon gives him a thoughtful look when he stops, taking a sip of his own drink and resting his eyes on the drink, rather than Tobin, when he sets it back down in front of him. After several seconds of thought, he raises his eyes back up to meet Tobin’s.

“What did Leif tell you? About me and him?” He finally speaks, his face resting in a calm line despite the slight urgency behind the way he asks the question.

“Uh, you were his first boyfriend. That’s… about it.” Tobin answers simply, shrugging his shoulders with it and taking another sip. He raises his eyebrows when Simon scoffs a little bit with another sip of his own. “Is there… more than that?”

“Um.” Simon starts, letting a dry laugh out with the monosyllabic word. “A little bit.”

Tobin lets it hang in the air as he dumps back another good portion of the drink.

“I mean, yeah. Yes. There’s more.” Simon starts again as Tobin lets his thumb play with the edge of the glass as a distraction from the actual heaviness that’s overtaken the booth as the conversation’s shifted. “We were… inseparable growing up. Our families were close and that meant we were close. We were as close as two guys could be and then… we realized we wanted to be closer and started dating Freshman year.”

He takes a long pause as he stares at his drink before taking a tentative sip, clearly trying to choose his words carefully as he sets it back down and readjusts his posture so that he’s leaning forward onto the table. In the momentary silence, Tobin hears his phone buzz where he’s set it face down on the table, glancing at it momentarily before choosing to ignore it in favor of meeting Simon’s gaze again.

“Neither of us were out, didn’t really wanna be, what with our families and everything, but… We made it work. We really liked each other. We’d do this thing where we’d slip notes into each other’s lockers, small ‘I love you’s, he’d leave doodles in the corners of each note. It was… kind of our thing. And then…” His fingers dance nervously on the outside of his glass as he takes a deep breath. “And then one of our friends found one of the notes. Must’ve fallen out of his locker or something, cause it was one of my notes, signed with my name and some hearts, and… She asked him what it was about and Leif just said that, uh, that I was gay and that I wouldn’t leave him alone. And because of who we were, y’know, everybody knew within a couple days and I was - I was ostracized. People were horrible.”

There’s another pause as Tobin opens his mouth slightly to respond before closing it just as fast, unsure of exactly what to say. He chooses to take another sip of his drink instead. The silence lingers like a cloud of smoke around them until Simon leans back and shakes his head.

“But listen, Tobin, that was years ago. He was a kid. I’m sure he’s… I’m sure this is different. The past is the past, water under the bridge, et cetera, et cetera.”

“I’m sure you could list off like fifty more cliches, but… I’m really sorry that happened to you, dude. No one should have to go through that.”

Simon nods, letting an appreciative smile cross his face as he wraps his hands around the glass in front of him.

“Yeah.” He brings the glass up to his lips and takes a sip as he thinks. “I just… I’m sure it’s not nearly the same now as it was then, but I understand what it’s like. To love someone who’s not ready. Who might never be ready. You gotta think about yourself, too, Tobes.”

Tobin meets the advice with a melancholic nod, preparing to say something else before his phone buzzes again and he holds up a finger in a ‘one second’ gesture as he flips it over and the notifications light up his screen.

love of my leif <3 (10:05 PM):
we’re heading to the bar now

love of my leif <3 (10:06 PM):
i understand if you don’t wanna come, but i’d really like to see you :(

love of my leif <3 (10:09 PM):
if they’re not too busy, we could totally make out in the bathroom

In all honesty, he doesn’t wanna go. Even before he sat down with Simon, he knew he’d rather do literally anything else than hang out with Leif’s high school friends for a night in a shitty hipster bar where he couldn’t actually treat Leif like his boyfriend. But after this conversation, there’s more than just a hesitancy; there’s an actual sour taste in the back of his throat as he processes the way his stomach is twisting and turning as he rethinks half of his perceptions.

“I should… go. I’m supposed to be meeting Leif and his friends.”

Simon gives him a knowing look with a light nod as he stands up and quickly drops a couple bills on the table for his drink.

“Thank you for, um… for the talk. It was nice.”