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Fall 2002, HIST 266: History of the American West, University of Wyoming
“Are you Crowley comma A?”
Antonia didn’t bother looking up from her notes as the speaker stepped from the aisle behind her and slid into the auditorium style seat to her left. “You know exactly who I am, Johnson comma E,” she said flatly.
“Damn right, I do,” the man replied cockily. “You’re the girl that’s going to help me get an A in this class.”
Antonia looked up at Eric Johnson and frowned. “I know you do all the readings,” she said quietly, so their classmates getting seated around them couldn’t hear. “Why don’t you raise your hand more?”
Eric had the good sense to look abashed. He averted his gaze and stuffed his hands into the front pocket of his bulky UW hoodie.
It was cute. He was cute. Antonia had always thought so. Lean and just a little bit tall, black textured curls cropped short. Antonia wanted to touch his angular face, feel the hint of stubble there. There was a sweetness to it, to him , despite his attempts to seem cool and arrogant.
Antonia looked at her notes again, smirking. “If you want to pretend you aren’t smart or you don’t work hard, that’s your prerogative,” she said. “But don’t think you can fool me .”
Antonia could feel his eyes on her. “You’re something, you know that Crowley?” he said, amused, though Antonia thought she heard fondness, too.
She rolled her eyes at being called by her last name, but she was secretly charmed by the compliment. She tapped her pen against her notebook thoughtfully. “Are you going to that free campus movie on Friday?”
“Hadn’t thought about it. Why, are you?”
She glanced at him. He was slouching in his seat. “I was considering it,” she hedged. “How would you like to go together?”
Eric sat up slightly and opened his mouth a little, looking impressed. “Are you asking me on a date?”
Antonia blushed at being so explicitly called out, but she had to keep her cool. She didn’t look away. “Are you accepting?” she challenged.
Eric’s mouth widened into a toothy grin. “Absolutely.”
Antonia looked forward at the professor, who was starting class, leaning back and kicking her feet up onto the chair in front of her. She smiled. “It’s a date,” she whispered.
Spring 2003, West Campus, University of Wyoming
Antonia lay lazily across Eric’s dorm room bed, head propped on her hand, as he sat at his desk, taking notes from his textbook reading. She smiled just to be looking at him.
It was infatuation, maybe. But she couldn’t help thinking there was something special about him, special about them . She liked how their minds seemed to work the same way, but how he still found ways to surprise and delight her.
“If you could do anything in the world,” she asked. “What would you do?”
“I would add an extra hour to every day so I could have time to do something other than homework,” he said without looking up.
Antonia laughed. “You don’t want to get out of doing the homework?”
“Nah. I’m paying all this money to have the honor to do it, right?”
“Fair enough,” she said, pleased with his answer. She loved that he cared about school, that it wasn’t just a means to an end for him. An interest in the pursuit of knowledge, and all that. He was like her. “But that’s not what I mean, anyways. I mean in life. If you could do anything.”
He looked up, resting an arm on the back of his chair. “Anything?”
“If there were no obstacles, what would you be?”
He tapped the chair with his fingers in thought. “I would be a politician,” he said easily. “I’d try to make the country a better place.”
Antonia was impressed. She had a feeling he would do great things. He would make a great politician. “Is that what you are going to do after school?” she asked hopefully.
“Nah,” Eric said, shrugging the idea off. “I’ll probably work with my dad with the UW extension. Teach people how to grow their crops.”
“You’re not even going to try to run?” Antonia asked in shock.
“How easy do you think it is for a black man to get elected?” Eric shot back.
Antonia was quiet for a moment. “I would vote for you,” she said softly.
“You are unusually un-racist for a white girl.”
“The world’s changing,” Antonia argued.
“Not fast enough,” Eric said flatly.
Antonia contemplated that with a frown.
“What about you, Crowley?” Eric asked. “What are you going to do?”
Antonia didn’t even mind being called by her last name. She was starting to like it, coming from him.
“I’m going to teach,” she said defiantly. “Maybe the world’s not changing fast enough, but maybe I can help.”
Eric smiled. “I’d put money on it that you do.”
Summer 2004, Apartment in rural Wyoming
Antonia surveyed the space that would be her new home. It was filled with various boxes of things from her and Eric’s parents’ houses and an assortment of furniture they’d either brought with them or found at the local thrift shop. It was a small space, but it was theirs.
Eric came behind her and rubbed his hands up and down her arms. “What do you think?” he asked.
Antonia smiled. “I think it’ll do just fine.” She glanced back at him. “What about you?”
“I think maybe it’s time for bed.”
“It’s only 8:30,” Antonia protested. It had been a long day of moving, but she wasn’t that tired.
“I know.” He smiled mischievously, kissing her cheek and neck. Antonia turned to face him, smiling as she picked up his meaning.
Her eyes widened in surprise as he lifted her, but she wrapped her legs around him, laughing and holding onto his neck the whole way to the bedroom. He laid her down on the double bed he’d brought from his childhood room and Antonia held his face as she kissed him.
When he crawled onto the bed, Antonia flipped him onto his back and straddled him, looking down at him in triumph.
“Aw, hell, Crowley,” Eric said in amusement and adoration.
Antonia’s face softened into an affectionate smile. “I love you.”
“I love you, too,” he said, sitting up and putting his hands in her hair as he kissed her.
Spring 2008, Apartment in rural Wyoming
Antonia was typing furiously on her laptop as she reclined on the living room sofa, her pregnant belly continuously getting in the way.
The apartment door opened and closed but she didn’t react or stop her click clacking.
“What are you doing?” she heard Eric ask from the kitchen as he walked into the apartment.
She didn’t respond.
“Are you working?” he asked, accusation in his tone.
Antonia felt irritation bubble into her head. She had specifically wanted to do this while he wasn’t home so he couldn’t criticize her. Because he would tell her not to work, but how could she just leave her work alone? She didn’t want to answer his question. “What are you doing home?” she asked instead, agitated.
“I’m not allowed to come home early to check on my pregnant wife?”
“No,” she said stubbornly.
Eric pulled the laptop out from under Antonia’s fingers.
Antonia looked up with indignation. “That was important!”
“I’m saving a draft. But you really shouldn’t be working. That’s why you are on leave.”
“I was emailing the substitute,” Antonia defended as he set the laptop on a kitchen counter. “They’re learning about the Chinese Exclusion Act. She needs to talk about the racial biases and propaganda in political cartoons that preyed on cultural differences and amplified anti-Asian sentiments…”
“Is it in the lesson plans?” Eric asked calmly.
“Yes, but. What if she’s an idiot?” Antonia responded desperately.
“She probably is an idiot,” he said absently, as he started closing windows.
Antonia’s eyes widened in worry, hands automatically falling to her belly, as if to protect the tiny human inside. “Why would you say that?”
He looked up and furrowed his brows at Antonia. “There aren’t that many people as smart as you, Crowley.”
Antonia scrunched her face in displeasure. “That doesn’t make me feel good.”
Eric shut the laptop. “It’s going to be okay,” he said firmly. He walked towards her on the couch and raised his eyebrows, waiting for her to accept his words.
“This stuff is important,” she continued, adamantly, though her fight was starting to lose steam. “These kids need to learn so they don’t grow up to repeat these things.”
Eric sighed. He gently lifted her upper body to allow himself to sit, resting her head on his lap when he was settled. Her face was still scrunched stubbornly. He was trying to take care of her, and deep down, she knew it was from a place of love, but it was still annoying.
Eric put one of his hands on top of hers, just in time to feel pressure from the baby squirming underneath. She momentarily forgot her ire as she looked at his face and saw the delight there. She quickly checked her smile. She wasn’t done being peeved.
“Yes, it’s important,” Eric conceded. “And you are doing your part. But right now, you need to rest.” He applied light pressure on her hand as if to emphasize what was underneath.
She huffed. His other hand soothingly smoothed her hair, and it calmed her down a little. She hated that he was right.
Fall 2008, Apartment in rural Wyoming
When the election results were finally announced on the t.v., Eric jumped up and threw his hands in the air. He looked back at Antonia in amazement, pointing at the t.v.. “Do you see that, Crowley?”
Antonia was smiling through her tears, trying not to shift and wake the baby laying on her breast. “I see it.”
“A black man is president!”
He kneeled down in front Antonia and laid a hand on Warlock’s back. “Do you see that, baby boy?” he said softly. “A black man is president of the United States! You don’t know how important that is yet, but you will. The world is gonna be a better place for you. It’s gonna be better for your daddy.”
“I still worry,” Antonia blurted, the elation of the election results not masking all her fears.
“Why should you worry?” Eric looked at her in surprise. “The boy came out lily white.”
“I worry about you . Having trouble picking him up from school...”
“You don’t need to worry about that. You know why?”
“Why?” Antonia was skeptical.
“I’m gonna make sure everybody knows who I am. And then nobody will ever give me or Warlock any trouble. I’m gonna run for County Commissioner.”
“Really?” Antonia asked in surprise and delight, her mood quickly shifting. “You’re going to run for office?”
He complained about local politics often enough- his work with the state extension service had him interacting with the County Board of Commissioners frequently. Like many rural government agencies, it was slow to progress. But any time Crowley pushed the subject, told him he could change it from the inside, reminded him of what he had said all those years ago at school, he was adamant that it would be a fool’s errand to try.
“Yes,” he said firmly.
Antonia couldn’t believe it.
“I’ve been thinking about it for a while,” he admitted. “It has been feeling like it could be the right time. And now, after this, I feel like it must be.” He stopped and bit a lip in thought, his confidence wavering. He looked imploringly at Antonia. “What do you think?”
Antonia took his face with one hand and kissed him. She cradled his head in her available arm as he hugged her and Warlock and she felt happiness melt through her body.
She could feel Eric grinning against her chest. “I’m gonna make both of you proud,” he said.
But Antonia was already as proud as she could possibly be.
Fall 2010, Apartment in rural Wyoming
“We won! Crowley, we won!” Eric picked up their toddler and held him in the air. “Your daddy is the newest County Commissioner!” he exclaimed. Warlock giggled, happy to be held.
“You know what this means, Crowley?” he asked, settling Warlock on his arm.
“You’re going to make a difference!”
“That’s right. But it also means extra income. We can finally start saving for a house! We’ll get a nice little ranch house, with enough land for gardens and chickens...”
The thought of it was exciting- a house of their own? Maybe they could have horses! But Eric was getting ahead of himself- what this really meant was extra work and less time home. There was no telling when they might be able to actually afford a house . But Antonia was beside herself with happiness and pride, anyways.
“How about tonight we celebrate with some champagne?” she suggested. She’d bought a bottle just in case.
Summer 2014, Eden Stables, rural Wyoming
When they arrived at Eden Stables, Warlock with Eric’s parents for the weekend, Antonia assumed they were just coming to see the horses, maybe there was somewhere to rent some to ride.
They hadn’t gone riding since Warlock had been born. Eric’s uncle used to keep horses and Antonia and Eric would ride together when they visited him on his farm. But with Warlock, there wasn’t any time anymore, and as can be expected with age, a day came that Eric’s uncle didn’t feel up for keeping horses anymore. He sold them, which was surely the right thing. Yet, Antonia couldn’t help but mourn the loss. She missed those Saturdays in the big wide open, the freedom of riding, the sun on her skin. The feeling of bonding with a majestic animal, whether in racing on its back or combing it all afternoon, giving it love and care.
When Eric brought her to the last stall in the horse barn, she fell in love immediately with the black horse with white speckles. She was jealous of whoever it was that got to keep it.
“There she is,” Eric said.
“She’s beautiful,” she said, gazing at the horse lying lazily in the back of the stall. “Who does she belong to?”
“To you.”
Antonia turned to Eric in shock. “To me?”
Eric smiled wide, impressed with himself. “That’s right.”
Antonia’s eyebrows down turned in anger. “You bought a horse? Are you crazy ?”
Eric’s face fell. “I thought you would like it.”
“You didn’t think to consult me on whether or not we can afford a horse ?”
“We’ve got plenty of money!” Eric defended.
Antonia turned away, slinging her arms over the stall gate. There was a tense silence.
“I should have talked to you,” Eric admitted. “Do you want me to take her back?”
Antonia gazed at the horse in thought. They had talked about getting horses for years. It wasn’t a secret that it was something Antonia dreamed about. But the fact that he didn’t consult her, that he made this decision rashly without even considering her input? They were supposed to be partners, joint decision makers.
But it was romantic, in a way, the surprise. And maybe Antonia was too much of a miser sometimes. They had struggled to make ends meet early on, and Antonia never really got out of the habit of worrying, even as their savings became more padded. She never would have agreed, if he hadn’t gone and done it himself. He wasn’t actually all that rash of a person.
It was a beautiful horse. And what was the point of living in the country without taking advantage of all this wide open space? “No,” she resigned. “We just got to save up to get you one. What’s the use of me having a horse if I don’t have anyone to ride with?”
Eric hugged Antonia from behind and kissed her on the head. “Yes, ma’am.”
Fall 2014, House in rural Wyoming
“How are you doing?” Antonia asked weakly as she crawled under the covers, sliding to the middle of the bed to be close to Eric. He was sitting up reading, but Antonia couldn’t believe he was absorbing anything. She had started crying as soon as she’d gotten the six year old to bed and the news finally hit her full force.
Eric looked up from his book. He looked worn down, tired. He sucked his lips into his mouth and took a deep breath.
“It is what it is,” he said.
Antonia felt anger bubbling up inside her. “It was those assholes at the County paper, they were trying to make you look bad, with those stupid opinion pieces they published. They didn’t want you re-elected!”
Eric crinkled his brows. “I don’t like it either, but that’s politics.”
“It’s racism,” Antonia shot back.
Eric smiled weakly. “Isn’t that what I just said?”
Antonia huffed. She couldn’t think it was funny. It made her furious, the way people saw him, the way they used dog whistles and coded language to paint their small minded ideas. Eric shrugged it off- he was good at that. He’d had more time to grow a thick skin.
But there was a needling fear that had settled into the back of Antonia’s mind. It had grown in response to gentle nourishing by Antonia’s anxiety and upset feelings. She feared racism wasn’t the only thing damning him. As if one thing wasn’t enough.
“Do you think it could have anything to do with me?” she asked, hesitantly, uncertain. She covered her face as she lay on her back, just inches from the comfort of Eric’s body heat.
“If people hate me for being married to a white woman, that’s about them hating me, not you.”
“No. I mean. What if they know?” she said through the hands covering her rapidly heating face.
“Know what, baby?”
“That I’m bisexual.”
Eric was quiet for a while. He discarded his book on his nightstand and slid to a lying position. Antonia waited anxiously for his response.
“I don’t think there’s any way they could know that, Crowley,” he assured her. After a pause, he added thoughtfully, “But maybe it’s time they did.”
Antonia removed her hands from her face and hugged her pillow, turning on her side. “What do you mean?”
He turned, looking intently at Antonia. “Maybe we make an announcement. Lay all our cards out on the table. Because I’m running again and we gotta show these people that we aren’t ashamed of who we are.”
Antonia looked into the warmth of his dark brown eyes. “What about my job?” she asked. “Parents will be upset.”
“Well it’s up to you. Whether you want to tell people. But don’t go hiding yourself on my account.”
Antonia mulled it over, anxiety flooding her brain. There were so many variables!
“You don’t have to decide tonight, baby,” Eric assured quickly, noticing that Antonia was starting to panic. “It’s just a thought.”
Antonia nodded. Eric pulled her into his arms and she buried her face into his chest. She took a deep breath, taking in the familiar scent of his body wash. She let the feeling of comfort and safety of being there cover her. She never wanted to leave that spot.
Summer 2015, House in rural Wyoming
They were fully expecting the backlash. The name calling, the nasty articles and emails. But the nationwide legalization of same-sex marriage felt like a pivotal time to speak. It had been legal in Wyoming since the previous fall, so people had started getting used to the idea. People thought the battle was over. But, as with every victory, there was still so much work ahead.
Antonia wasn’t expecting the thank you letters. Three in total- it wasn’t a very populous county. She read them again and again curled in a corner of the sofa while Warlock leaned against her chest watching television.
One was from a “Parents of LGBTQ+” group thanking her for showing their kids that it was okay to come out. One was from a housewife who wrote that in her twenty year marriage, she had never even told her husband she was bi. She credited Antonia for giving her the courage to finally do it. One was from a former student who was nineteen now and who said she wanted to run for office one day. She said seeing her favorite teacher come out made her feel like she could be open about her pan identity in her political career regardless of who she dated. Antonia was more in awe of each letter every time she read them.
“Again?” Eric teased when he arrived home and saw her with the letters. She looked up and smiled, tears in her eyes.
“Daddy!” Warlock jumped up and ran to his father, who crouched down to receive his hug.
“Whoa there!” Eric said, when Warlock hung onto his neck as he tried to stand. “Careful, there, son. You’re too big for Daddy to carry you like that.”
Warlock let go but pouted up at him.
“Do me a favor, will you?” Eric asked him, still crouching. Warlock nodded eagerly. “Give Mommy a great big kiss.”
Warlock dashed back to the sofa, jumping on and kissing Antonia on the cheek while she laughed. Eric piled onto the sofa with them, making Antonia laugh even more while they all three tried to adjust themselves into the little corner.
“Do you know, Warlock?” Eric said, looking at Antonia. “Your mommy is really something.”
Fall 2015, rural Wyoming
Eric didn’t get re-elected. But, in some ways, it didn’t matter. There were growing activism organizations they supported and volunteered for. They had conversations and shared ideas with community members. They were still making a difference, in their own ways, each of them, in their own little corner of the world. Changing the world doesn’t happen all at once, afterall.
January 2018, Eden Stables, rural Wyoming
The last time they rode together was just like every other time. Nothing special at all. Warlock was with Antonia’s parents that weekend. They laughed and reveled in the fresh air. They raced, but Eric and Scout cheated. Antonia didn’t care.
It was utterly mundane.
There were the big things, sure. But it was always the mundane that really mattered. It was the curling up together in bed, the dragging the Christmas tree into the house, the teaching their son how to brush a horse. It was fighting over who would cook dinner or how expensive of a car they should get and whether they should be putting more money into savings or figuring out how stocks work. It was sharing Warlock with their parents, getting some time alone to rest. It was having each other. It was having a family.
Winter 2020, House in rural Wyoming
Antonia woke up and rolled over to see not Eric, but Zira. And she loved Zira, God she loved her.
But sometimes, the pain would come and it would be as raw as it was the day she lost him. She would cry softly in bed, she would pray to a God she didn’t believe in, willing that she could have him back, even for just a moment.
But she couldn’t have him back.
She could have Zira.
Zira was laying on her side, facing away, peaceful in sleep. Antonia scooted towards her and wrapped an arm around her, pressing herself against her. She pushed her face into Zira’s back, trying not to sniffle. Antonia never wanted to take her for granted.
Zira rolled over to see her. She blinked awake and saw her tear streaked face.
“Oh dear,” Zira said.
Antonia shook her head. She didn’t want to talk about it. Zira rubbed the arm wrapped around her affectionately.
“What do you think of something nice for breakfast today, hmm? Some pancakes?”
Antonia nodded.
“And then we can go see the horses, if you like.”
Antonia nodded again. Seeing the horses always made her feel good. “It’s about time we get you one,” she said.
“One what?”
“A horse. Everyone in the family should have one.”
Zira looked surprised for a moment, but then she smiled. “I love you very much, my dear.”
Antonia leaned in and kissed her. “I love you, too.”
Maybe Antonia was lucky, in a way. To have gotten two loves.