Chapter Text
Tsukishima knew that drowning himself in alcohol will never help him. It was stupid and he’s just practically throwing his money in exchange for something that will never benefit him for a few months. He could’ve just bought that air humidifier that he was eyeing for a while now instead of exchanging a few thousands of Yen for a couple of shots.
But Tsukishima didn’t really care. All of his rational thoughts flew away as soon as he drank his first drink. The past week was rough— too rough and Tsukishima doesn’t know if he should be proud of himself that he’s not withering physically or be scared because he’s too good at masking what he’s feeling.
Tsukishima Kei just got cheated on by his boyfriend of two years.
He learned the truth a week ago, on a sunny Sunday. Knowing that Itsuki usually has interviews during Sunday, Tsukishima wanted to surprise him since they couldn’t see each other as much as they wanted to because of Itsuki’s hectic schedule and to protect Tsukishima’s identity too. Tsukishima was one of the people who knew the password to his apartment, along with Itsuki’s manager and Itsuki himself.
That apartment was something that Tsukishima knows by heart. He has unconsciously memorized everything that sometimes Itsuki teases him that Tsukishima was actually the owner of his apartment. The blonde would always shrug it off and they would end up drinking hot cocoa while talking quietly about their day.
His plan was perfect. He’ll infiltrate Itsuki’s apartment and cook something new because Itsuki loves tasting new food. And when Itsuki comes home, he’ll be surprised and they will spend the rest of the evening watching a documentary with a few conversations slipped in throughout. Tsukishima would spend the night and Itsuki will kiss him goodbye the next day when he’s about to go to work.
But all of those shattered when Tsukishima got inside the apartment and saw Japan’s current favorite girl, Ikura wearing Itsuki’s shirt. The shirt that Tsukishima gave to him on their first Christmas.
And now, a week later, Tsukishima finally gave himself the liberty to drink alcohol after prohibiting himself because of his work. Tsukishima gestured to the bartender for another drink that the man quickly obliged. The blonde was staring at the counter as he waited for the goddamn pricey drink. His cheeks already feel hot and Tsukishima quietly cursed his low alcohol intolerance. It’s been a while since he last drank. The last time was with Yamaguchi, and that happened four months ago when his best friend got stressed over the book that he’s reading. And Itsuki was the one who brought the booze.
He felt the urge to bang his forehead onto the shiny black counter to remove the memories in his head yet he doesn’t actually want to forget it because it’s... it’s still important to him.
Tears came rushing in and as much as Tsukishima didn’t want to cry in a bar, he couldn’t do anything to stop it. Questions flooded his mind once again and Tsukishima was scared that his head might just pop because there’s already too much in there and yet the questions kept on coming. Every question that enters his mind were almost identical but they never fail to make him chapfallen than he already is.
Did she make him smile more than I did?
He wipes his cheeks but it was useless with the new batch of fat drops of tears.
Did they sleep together too? Went to dates and watch movies?
Tsukishima chuckled, low and full of sorrow. There were no explanations given to him and he knew that no matter what the explanation will be, it will hurt him but he still wants it. He wants to know why, why did Itsuki cheat when Tsukishima did nothing but to love and support him?
He watched every single one of his movies. Starting from his first one where he acted as an extra with just two lines but Tsukishima still insisted that they should celebrate it up until his recent one where he was already the lead actor. He went to the fan meetings that he could squish into his schedule, really happy to see how Itsuki’s eyes changes when Tsukishima was the one in front of him. Tsukishima was there as they celebrated Itsuki’s first award, his biggest one, and even when he doesn’t get any. They’ve gone a long way and Tsukishima thought that the highway that they’re on was smooth and infinite. And maybe it was, but he chose to jump off of Tsukishima’s boring life and went to join Ikura’s livelier lifestyle.
Tsukishima was suddenly alone after all those years, feeling betrayed and feeling nothing at the same time.
Am I not enough?
He cries some more, feels himself getting weaker, faltering with the help of alcohol in his veins. The weight of getting cheated on still his shoulders, affecting his whole being. His confidence is slowly hitting rock bottom that he couldn’t even feel if he’s really worthy of his job.
Did he ever become enough?
Probably a thousand questions were swarming in his mind. It was agonizing but at least the alcohol was doing its job. Just a few more glasses, he’ll be leaving the reality and all the pain would be gone.
True enough, after seven glasses of Campari, Tsukishima couldn’t even see a thing that wasn’t doubling its number. Suddenly, there were three bartenders and the empty glass in front of him was turning into four. Thanks to Tsukishima’s long legs, he could still reach the floor to balance himself and prevent him from falling off the chair.
“Another one,” Tsukishima slurs at the three bartenders. They were all doing the same thing at the same time and Tsukishima found it amusing. He chuckled and gestured the bartenders to hurry and give his drink.
“Uh, sir, I don’t think that you should—“
“Oh come on!” Tsukishima yelled that some of the people around looked at him. “Give me my drink,” He said, insistent then pressed his cheeks onto the cold counter. Despite the ugly feeling in his head, Tsukishima felt light. It was as if nothing happened. The problems were suddenly gone and all the reason why he felt like crying was that he’s just happy with his life. He wished that everything felt like this. That every day was just like this. Light and free and floaty.
“Give him none,” Someone said and the voice sounded familiar. “I’m taking you home,” The person said while holding both of Tsukishima’s shoulders. “Close his tab, please,”
“I am not quite sure if you are actually related to him, sir—“
“Yeah, he’s right! What if you’re not related to me?” Tsukishima said, the alcohol swimming in his body and vision still blurry even with his eyeglasses.
“God, you’re cute when you’re drunk, Tsukishima Kei,” The person said and Tsukishima quickly stood up upon hearing his name. He wrapped his arm around the person’s neck. Tsukishima tripped a little too but the person was able to catch him lightly.
“Oh, don’t worry, he’s my friend! He knows my name!” Tsukishima was full of joy when he grabbed his card from the bartender’s hands. Only a few people know how to read his first name so this person might really be someone that he knows. He thanked the bartender approximately ten times while the person was helping him to walk straight.
“You look awful,” The person said while circling his arms around Tsukishima’s waist. They were walking towards the parking lot while Tsukishima just giggles.
“Awfully cute, you mean,” They stopped in their tracks for a second and the blonde could feel the person’s stare at his face. It would’ve been fair if he could clearly see the person’s face too.
“Shit. I should’ve recorded that,” Tsukishima snorted at this then they continued to walk slowly.
“Worry not, my friend, I’ll just repeat it,”
“Shit, then is it okay if I record it too?” The person said excitedly that made Tsukishima’s eyebrows furrow. He likes the camera, in love with it, actually. Of course, it’s okay for him, making him nod.
The person moves as he tries to grab his phone from his pocket. Tsukishima waits for a few more seconds before he could see the phone in front of him. The person was still holding his waist with his left hand so he tries to use his right hand and takes a video using the front camera of his phone.
“Okay, okay, it’s recording now. Tell the camera how you look like now,”
Feeling the sudden rush of excitement since Tsukishima never did this even though he really wanted to, he removes his arm that was circled around the person’s shoulder and firmly presses both of his palms on his cheeks, squishing them lightly.
“Hi, everyone. I am Tsukishima Kei and first of all, let me tell you—“ Tsukishima hiccuped, “—this?” He touches his hair and ruffles it. “This shit is natural. Stop saying that it looks like a wig or else I’ll fucking choke you!”
The person beside him was laughing now but Tsukishima was suddenly feeling mad as he remembered the people who told him that his hair looks like a fucking wig. The nerve of those people.
“Tsukki, tell them how cute you are—“
“Oh, shut the fuck up! I’m the cutest being in the world. I’m cut out to be the greatest fucking model. I have natural pretty blonde curls, I’m tall, my skin is literally glowing under these shitty lampposts, and have you seen my legs? They’re long as fuck,”
“Oh my god, Tsukishima,”
“Why the heck are you laughing, you prick? Get your hands off of me, let me show you how expensive my legs look like even in these jeans,” Tsukishima grabbed his hand and pushed him but lost a little bit of balance and he ended up the one being pushed.
He took a few clumsy steps backward and started to crouch, his knees apart and his elbows propped on his thighs. Tsukishima looked at the camera with a serious gaze before sitting completely at the asphalt, doing his best to showcase his long legs at the camera.
Tsukishima even tips his head backward to add some effect before ruffling his own hair not minding if it’ll look disheveled because he looks good in everything. The person just praises him and hollers sometimes to hype him up which works because Tsukishima feels more confident.
“Oh yeah? Like this?” Tsukishima asked as he lightly bites his index finger.
“Yes, fuck. Then look at your right,” The person said and Tsukishima could hear him celebrate as he not just take a video but also captures some of Tsukishima’s godly impromptu modeling.
They went on for minutes, almost a hundred different poses as Tsukishima tells the person that his arms and jawline look good too, not just his long bodacious legs. When the blonde’s energy was finally spent, he gives up and lays in the middle of the parking lot. The stars looked pretty. It would be a waste to watch it alone.
“Okay, I guess that was enough. I’m so excited about what tomorrow holds with a sober Tsukishima watching his drunk self model,” The person pulls Tsukishima up and continued to say something, well, he was saying a lot of things but nothing was registering in Tsukishima’s brain as he just enjoys the cold air. He didn’t even know when did they went inside a car, drove towards his apartment, and into his room. All he knows is that he felt happy even though he’s tired that he couldn’t stop himself from giggling.
His problems didn’t disappear even after all those alcohol but Tsukishima was able to go to sleep happy for the first time in the week and that was already enough.
—
This was one of the reasons why Tsukishima wasn’t fond of drinking. It was the fucking aftermath of it. It was the endless throbbing of his head. He hated it but at least it spares him a few more hours of not remembering the reality since he’ll be too busy to complain about his headache.
“Good morning, Tsukki!” Tsukishima’s eyebrows furrowed when Yamaguchi freely invited himself into his room with a tray of foods in his hand. He placed it on the side table and Tsukishima tried to sit up. “How’s your head?”
“I want to smash it,” Yamaguchi chuckles then sits at the lone chair on the side of the room that he brought closer to Tsukishima’s bed. “Why the heck are you here though?”
“Duh,” Yamaguchi said then gives the aspirin and glass of water to Tsukishima that the latter accepted. “You were a mess last night. You know that I can’t stand to see you like that,”
Tsukishima tried to remember what happened last night while he was emptying the glass. The memories were kind of vague but Tsukishima was adamant to remember it and so his brain didn’t have any choice but to show him a glimpse of the bits of happenings from last night.
“Oh, so you were the one who brought me home?”
“God, were you really drunk that you couldn’t even recognize a different person from your best friend?” Yamaguchi was overreacting and he was doing a great job in annoying Tsukishima early in the morning. “It was Kuroo. He happened to be in that bar too and saw your chaotic self,”
Oh. What the fuck.
“Are you sure?” Tsukishima asked just to double-check even though he already knows that Yamaguchi wouldn’t lie to him. Yamaguchi nodded and Tsukishima just wanted to grab a gun— not that he has one— and pull the trigger while pointing at his head.
“See for yourself,” Yamaguchi whipped his phone out and in just a minute, his phone was right in front of Tsukishima’s face.
“Shit,” The blonde said as he watches the video sent by Kuroo to Yamaguchi. They were in front of Tsukishima’s apartment and Kuroo was asking him to enter his passcode but he wasn’t doing it. Instead, Tsukishima was standing, his posture bad and his porcelain skin really red.
“Do you see this number right here, kids? What do you think is this? Oh, so no one knows? That’s okay, Tsukishima sensei’s here to teach you. Everyone, look, this is number one,”
Tsukishima wanted to kill himself as he watches his drunk self pointing at the numbers while acting like he’s teaching his students instead of entering his passcode like a normal human being. And he could hear the joyful laughter coming from Kuroo behind the camera.
When the video ended, Yamaguchi laughed heartily but Tsukishima doesn’t know what to react. Aside from the fact that it’s fucking embarrassing, Kuroo was the one that he saw him in that state. The last person that Tsukishima wanted to see him drunk.
“Everyone, look, this is number—“ Tsukishima quickly threw a pillow on Yamaguchi that just made the freckled boy laugh again. He messed his hair up and he actually felt like crying. “Oh, my sweet sweet, Tsukki. There’s no need to be embarrassed! I’m sure that you gave Kuroo a good laugh last night,”
“That’s the problem! It’ll take him a month before he shuts up about this,” Tsukishima groaned and his head throbbed once again. Fucking alcohol. “Can I have another aspirin?”
“No, you’re only getting one. Just wait for it to kick in,” Yamaguchi crossed his arms and sat again on the chair. He was looking at Tsukishima and the blonde started to feel the tension of Yamaguchi’s stares. “Tsukki, have you talked to Itsuki-kun?”
Of course, Yamaguchi knows why did he drink. He literally knows Tsukishima and almost all the reasons why he does something. It was annoying. The aspirin’s annoying. Itsuki’s fucking annoying.
“Not yet,” Itsuki never reached to him after Tsukishima texted him that he’s breaking up with him. It was his least expected way of how they’ll break up. Not that Tsukishima ever thought of the two of them would be parting ways. He was too blinded that he didn’t saw the clues that Itsuki was actually cheating.
“It’s either you talk to him to clear things up or never talk to him again and try to forget that asshole,”
Tsukishima knew that it’ll be hard to talk to Itsuki but he also knew that it’s even harder to forget him. He became a part of Tsukishima’s life whether the blonde likes it or not. Tsukishima was a simple person and all these complex things were too much for him. It was slowly trapping him in a place with no air, forcing him to decide on something before he gets crushed.
“But do it at your own pace. Just remember that I’m always here, okay?” Yamaguchi said and Tsukishima could feel his sincerity. If it wasn’t for Yamaguchi, he’s probably in pieces right now. It was Yamaguchi who helped him build himself and not crumble easily and Tsukishima couldn’t express how grateful he is to his long-time friend.
“I know. Thank you,” Yamaguchi smiled genuinely at him then stood up and left his room to give him some space which the blonde really needs at the moment.
It took some time before the medicine kicked in and Tsukishima wasn’t sure if he’s supposed to be happy because at last, the headache was gone or if it should be the opposite because his head was clear again, and it means that he’ll be thinking about Itsuki again.
And in just a few seconds, Tsukishima was already holding his phone, typing Itsuki to see the latest news about him. He was about to search it when a notification popped up. Tsukishima was forced to close the app first to open the messaging app and not much to his surprise, it was Kuroo.
From: Kuroo Tetsurou
Good morning! High key hoping that you’re okay now!! (づ￣ ³￣)づ
Tsukishima shrugged his shoulders. It was Kuroo again and his usual exclamation points. He is without a doubt a loud person even in messages and Tsukishima hated loud people. He hates how they talk non-stop. He always found it annoying.
But Kuroo safely took him home last night. And even though he’s one of the people that Tsukishima has a love— wait, that was wrong— friendship-hate relationship, Tsukishima would gladly thank him for last night.
To: Kuroo Tetsurou
Thank you for yesterday.
A minute didn’t even pass when Tsukishima pressed send yet his phone was already ringing with Kuroo’s name flashing on the screen. Tsukishima wasn’t even hesitating whether to answer the call or not. He just didn’t want to talk right now, especially to Kuroo.
The call ended but Tsukishima didn’t even have the time to breathe again when Kuroo called again.
Just what the fuck?
Kuroo was pushy and Tsukishima knew it since high school. There's no way that Kuroo would stop calling him unless he picks up. Tsukishima deeply regretted replying to him.
“Hello,” He said with his face nothing but stoic and emotionless.
“That hello is so bland, Tsukki! But you’re welcome anyway. Pay me back some time!”
Suddenly, Tsukishima wanted to stab Kuroo. Pay him back? Even though Tsukishima didn’t really ask for his help? Well.. he didn’t really ask for it but now that Tsukishima tried to imagine himself yesterday, he did look like he needed some help. But the thought of having a debt to Kuroo felt so wrong and Tsukishima already wants to pay him back as soon as possible. It’ll be a pain and he really didn’t want to prolong the agony.
“Then how should I pay you?”
“Wait! Holy shit! Are you really agreeing with that?”
Kuroo’s voice was so cheery that Tsukishima’s ear just wants to bleed. It might not be the earliest time in the morning but it’s still morning—11 is still considered morning, and Kuroo’s already this energetic.
“Well, you did help me last night but if you don’t want then I’d be more than happy to not see your face again,” Tsukishima was blunt and there’s really nothing coming out of his mouth but harsh things to his friends and everybody knows this but Kuroo still tries to talk to him so it’s Kuroo fault if his feelings get hurt with his words. Tsukishima doesn’t really care.
“That’s mean, Tsukki,” god. Tsukishima could imagine Kuroo pouting. A shiver runs through his arms. Imagining it already feels horrible. Tsukishima wished that he never sees it again in person.
When Tsukishima didn’t answer, Kuroo quickly spoke to fill in the silence, “Anyways, how about a drink?”
Tsukishima frowned. There’s no way that he’s going to drink again after that video. He shifts in his seat and keeps his eyes on his feet that he’s curling and uncurling just because.
“I respectfully decline. I don’t want to drink anymore. Last night was already enough,”
“Come on, Tsukki! You said that you’ll pay me back!”
“I can pay you in cash instead if that would mean that I’ll not see you,” It was... true. He’d be willing to pay him in cash— oh fuck. He spent a lot yesterday. He’s not even sure if he still has any money in his account.
“Really mean,”
Tsukishima huffed. He didn’t really want to see anyone right now except Yamaguchi. He’s still distraught but maybe he could give this one to Kuroo. Just the thought of not being able to go home and accidentally sleeping on the streets because he’s too drunk last night mortified Tsukishima so much. He was actually lucky that it was Kuroo who found him, not just anyone who could’ve been a dirty pervert.
Tsukishima felt the chills and once again, he was thankful to Kuroo. And so, even if half of him was opposing his other half, he started to speak.
“Fine. Text me where and when,”
“Oh shit! Okay! Uhm— yes. I’ll text it to you later, okay?”
“Yeah,”
“Thank you, Tsukki! I’m already looking forward to it!”
Tsukishima wasn’t.
“See you soon, Tsukishima sensei—“
Tsukishima ends the call. He's really not looking forward to it.