Work Text:
At the age of sixteen, the last thing Taehyung imagined himself doing eleven years later was attempting to end his own life as he lay in his family’s strawberry field.
Sometimes life doesn’t work out the way you want it to. A young Taehyung had mapped out his future to near perfection, one where he'd have graduated and perhaps married to somebody he loved. He'd have his dream job in the art industry, and he'd support his loving family.
But what Taehyung didn’t expect was his whole family to pass away two weeks prior to his eighteenth birthday. But they did. And Taehyung felt lost. His road looked wobbly and uneven—one that only seemed to lead to the depths of darkness.
Taehyung didn’t imagine himself working all sorts of odd jobs at the age of eighteen, and continuing to do so till date. He was frustrated with the way his life was moving on. He'd long forgotten all his dreams and wishes, focusing instead on staying alive. As a result of which, he'd pushed away and eventually lost the few people he had left in his life.
But soon enough, Taehyung finally had a goal, and that was to reunite with his family who'd left a hole in his heart that only seemed to grow larger with each passing day.
A twenty four year old Taehyung was no better than a twenty year old Taehyung. Only one goal was imprinted in his head, and that was the end of his own life. But every time he tried to reach it, he hesitated. He pushed away those thoughts because the society and text books had engrained into his brain that suicide wasn’t the option, but for reasons even he himself couldn’t understand, Taehyung felt like he would disappoint someone by trying to end his life even when he had no one left to be disappointed at him.
At the age of twenty seven, Taehyung couldn’t go on anymore. He needed an escape. The urge to take his life, which he thought might dwindle down with age, only continued to grow. And so, this time he decided to reach it.
Quitting from his workplace which he quite honestly couldn’t even remember the name of because of the amount of times he had changed his jobs, and leaving his pathetic excuse of an apartment, He set out to achieve a goal that eighteen year old Taehyung had come up with.
Although Taehyung was hesitant to leave everything behind, he swore to himself that it was for the best. Because no matter what, he would never miss the shitty jobs and his even more frustrating colleagues and customers. At this point in life he was convinced that he was immune to all emotion, but there was one particular incident during one of his previous jobs that clung on to his brain like a dirty stain that refuses to leave your clothes.
“TAEHYUNG!”
The sudden screech of his manager wrenched his attention back to him, bringing Taehyung face to face with the man.
“Eyes on the ground when I'm speaking to you! How dare a bastard like you look me in the eye when I speak to you, are you looking for a fight, boy?”
Taehyung often wondered why his manager regarded himself so highly when he literally ran a local hamburger shop that was on the verge of being shut down due to all the losses.
“You keep slacking during your working hours even though you have the shortest shifts.”
He didn't slack off; he worked the longest shifts. The only mistake he’d made was when he dropped a glass of water by accident. Thankfully, there were no customers around, but it was just his amazing luck that their notoriously absent manager had happened to walk into the dining area right at that moment. Taehyung knew he was going to hear an earful because he was his favorite employee to pick on.
“Sir, I was just -”
“Oh, so now you want to talk back? I give you a job, pay you, deal with your terrible behavior all day. And all I ask in return is that you put a goddamn smile on that face, but you keep fucking moping that your family is dead even though it’s been eleven bloody years.” His manager scoffs, and Taehyung grits his teeth. It is hardly the first time he’s said it, and he should be used to it really, but it never gets any easier.
“Honestly, I often wonder why you didn’t just accompany them yourself.”
Taehyung had heard a lot, several of them far worse than this, but it seemed like he’d reached his limit because the next thing he knew, Taehyung’s hand was connecting with his manager’s nose, and there was a loud distinct crack.
Hearing taunts about how he was always sad about his family passing away wasn’t new. He suffered the constant comments from his teachers about how they “understood it must be hard for him but he needed to participate in class discussions more”. He didn’t understand why he had to. He had good grades, why wasn’t that enough? His classmates picked on him, and even when he grew up, all he got was fake pitiful remarks from coworkers. But even that synthetic sympathy was at times better than them being assholes.
His manager telling him he too should've passed away stabs him like nothing else because wasn’t that what he’d always wanted? In that instant, he finally realized that no one truly wanted him in this world. His doubts were answered, and he felt so fucking lonely.
“OUT!” His manager roared, clutching onto his bloody nose as some of Taehyung’s co-workers rushed to help him.
Taehyung expected the result, and getting fired wasn’t even unfamiliar, so he’d expected it sooner or later. But now he was at least glad that he was getting fired for standing up for himself.
And so Taehyung left and went on to search for another job—any job—that could help him pay that month’s electricity bill.
An innocent Taehyung still not struck with the harsh reality of life used to wish that he would pass away due to old age and being content with life, but the Taehyung who faced reality did not give two shits how he passed away. He could fall into a ditch, and he would thank whatever deity finally took pity on him.
So here was Taehyung, heading to what was once his favorite place, his parent’s strawberry field, to take his life. And for the first time since his family’s death, he felt like he would finally be accomplishing something. Even if it wasn’t something his parents would want because now he couldn't care less about how he died.
But despite his strong urge to end his life, Taehyung was still a little scared. The thought of falling off a building or drowning made him feel dizzy. He knew he wanted to go away slowly, and the only painless option that felt feasible was to gulp down numerous sleeping pills. He’d bought four separate packs of sleeping pills from different pharmacies, and with a bottle of water, he’d set out for Daegu on the cheapest bus he could find.
The sunset was approaching, casting a pretty orange purplish hue on the land. The vast sky looked as stunning as a painting, tainted with the most beautiful of colors, and purple was his favorite color, so he decided to cherish the magnificent view one last time.
Upon his arrival at the abandoned field, memories of his family suddenly flooded his mind and opened the well of tears. It physically pained him to see the field now, and so he cried; he cried until he wished he could cry some more. Lying there on the dead grass, the sad memories churned his stomach, making him nauseous. He wondered so often whether things would’ve been different if he had tried a little more or done things just a little differently. He hated how he had been made to lead his life in this miserable way, all for it to come to an end with him taking his own life, but he also felt a strange relief at the assurance that it would soon come to an end. Until then, he clutched the water bottle in his palm in hopes of alleviating some of the pain.
Like almost every other person, Taehyung did in fact fear death. No matter the numerous wishes and dreams to be one with his family, he still feared the unknown. He held onto his dreadful life even when it promised only despair and devastation. The countless times when he hesitated in hopes of a miracle was evidence to the fact that he knew he couldn’t get better. He never believed in having any hope. He had given up on it long before he even came to terms with the fact that he didn’t want to live anymore.
The unopened boxes of pills felt heavy in his pocket. He wanted to lay on the dead grass some more, to close his eyes and reminisce about the last time he was happy with his family. The nostalgia brought a smile on his face, and he hoped he could savor it for some more time. He could half-imagine the breeze from the days of playing with his mother hitting against his flushed cheeks, or the delicious aroma of the meat when his family would have barbecues and they would just enjoy being together.
“Holy fucking shit!”
The voice startled Taehyung out of his reminiscent daze, and he turned around to see a person lying on the ground not too far from him and clutching their head in what seemed like pain. The person muttered some words that Taehyung couldn’t decipher before cussing out loudly.
Upon closer inspection, Taehyung could make out a short silhouette and a mop of Bordeaux hair, and he didn’t like this; he wanted to be left alone in peace, but even his last hopes of finding some solace were now crushed.
Taehyung knew better than to lash out on the stranger who was still lying on the ground and oddly enough looking at the sky now. He watched as the stranger slowly stood up, careful not to stumble, and approached Taehyung before suddenly dropping down to sit beside him.
Taehyung flinched back in surprise. To say that Taehyung was confused would be an understatement.
“Can I sit here for like a minute? My head is killing me.”
They were already seated, Taehyung wanted to point out, but even if Taehyung didn’t want him to sit beside him, the stranger was obviously not feeling well, so he nodded in acquiescence.
The evening was getting cooler, the sky showcasing deeper hues of purple. Any other person in such a setting would feel the tranquility of the surroundings seep in through them, but Taehyung's turmoil in his mind was never ending. The chilly breeze or a presence did close to nothing to ease it.
Taehyung could see from his peripheral vision that the stranger was looking up at the sky and breathing loud enough for Taehyung to hear. He found himself following the rhythmic breaths, in and out and in. It was an uninstructed response, but soon enough Taehyung felt a little more grounded.
“I am-”
“I-”
Both of them spoke at the same time, and at this distance, Taehyung could make out the rosy flush of alcohol flaring under the stranger’s fair skin; lips looking like they were colored maroon. There was a glow to them, making their face look smoother than any silk one could find, and Taehyung found the stranger in front of him absolutely mesmerizing.
“You can go first,” He told them once both of them fell silent.
There was a pause before the stranger started speaking.
“You can probably already tell, but I'm honestly pretty shitfaced right now. My name is Min Yoongi by the way. He/him pronouns. Thirty years old, Not sure if you needed to know that. My friends tell me I get chatty when I’m drunk, so I apologize in advance if I do end up being really annoying. If you want me to leave, I can absolutely do that. I was just feeling a little dizzy, and I found this open area, and, yeah.”
Yoongi had a bashful look on his face, and before Taehyung could think through the words, he was already shaking his head and letting Yoongi know that he could sit here.
“Actually you can call me Yoongles too, I don't mind. I act like I hate this certain nickname in front of my friends”. Yoongi paused mid-sentence like he was trying to recall something and then continued. “Or, I guess you wouldn’t know about that since you aren’t my friend. But like I was saying, I know I pretend to hate it in front of them, but honest to god it’s one of the cutest nicknames given to me—and trust me it actually is the cutest because I have a lot of them, and the others all sort of suck. So like you can call me Yoongles too. Hobi does. Seokjinnie hyung does too. Jimin calls me Yoogi.” Yoongi’s nose scrunched up at that nickname. “But they’re all friends, so it’s fine. So you can call me that, and we can be friends too.”
Taehyung let out a soft laugh at the man’s cute blabbering.
“I think I’ll be okay with calling you by your actual name, Yoongi-ssi.” He told him.
“Ah well, anything works for me too, but umm, I’m afraid I didn't quite catch your name.”
“Oh, I’m Taehyung, and I go by the same pronouns as yours, He/Him. Twenty seven years old.”
“Well, anything works well for me, Taehyung-ssi.”
Both of them just sat there until Yoongi abruptly cleared his throat.
“Would you perhaps mind if I—could I drink some of your water please?” Yoongi asked him.
The reminder about the water bottle demolished whatever momentary haze he had slipped into. He felt hesitant about handing the water bottle to Yoongi considering there was a very specific motive why he even had it with him. It was not like he could tell the man that he needed the water to swallow down four packs of sleeping pills, so in a moment of forced agreement he offered Yoongi the bottle without meeting his eyes.
He gathered the courage to sneak a look at Yoongi and found him chugging down the water and leaving it almost empty. He didn't know how to stop him so he helplessly watched the man drink down his last means to end his life, his last purpose in life.
Yoongi handed the bottle back to him and then apologized when he realized he’d drunk the whole thing. Taehyung dismissed his apology, absently mumbling something about how the water would help Yoongi sober up even as his mind reeled and he stared at the empty water bottle in his hands, suddenly struck by a suffocating feeling of helplessness.
What was he supposed to do now? He couldn’t let his emotions crack through the facade he had put on to hide his true feelings. He felt resigned. There wasn’t much he could do but rather try to be attentive to the man in front him.
“Taehyung-ssi?” Yoongi didn’t seem to notice Taehyung’s lack of response because he was speaking again. “Did you know that the Pachycephalosaursus is a dinosaur that’s known as the ‘headbutt king’?”
It seemed like Yoongi was hell bent to talk about anything at all. He was clearly trying to make Taehyung feel more comfortable in his presence despite Taehyung’s sudden silence.
“I often compare that dinosaur to my friend because he too headbutts me when he hugs me. It feels kind of nice and warm since I really am a softie on the inside, but I won't ever admit that.”
Taehyung’s grip around his bottle tightened, the lump in his throat making itself known once again even as he held back the tears.
“I have a good knowledge about random things. Wanna hear some more facts?” Yoongi continued.
Taehyung made an unintelligible sound that he hoped didn’t come out as wet as his throat felt. If Yoongi somehow heard his silent torment, he didn’t mention it. Instead he continued blasting Taehyung with random facts that made him feel slightly at ease. The silly facts ranged from how fascinated he was about light fixtures to the origin of the Maginot line, and they went back and forth with some menial conversations. The effort the other man put into keeping the conversation going was very much appreciated by Taehyung because .
“Enough about me. Tell me a little about yourself, Taehyung-ssi, and allow me to cut you off before you say it's alright, that I can continue with my own rant, because I know I’ve rambled quite a bit.” Yoongi said with a sincere smile playing on his maroon lips.
A little while ago, Taehyung would’ve despised this same question. But now, what was he even supposed to do? Yoongi was clearly trying his best and he Taehyung didn’t want the other man to feel like his efforts were futile so he tried, but still, If Taehyung were to be very honest with Yoongi, he would’ve preferred if Yoongi continued on because what could Taehyung even say about himself?
He pondered for a while, trying to rack his brain to find something to say that wouldn’t make him sound like a dying man. It was at that moment that he realized just how many things he had lost interest in, how he had almost nothing to live or look forward to. He thought back to the time when things were better and remembered what used to make his heart bloom.
“There isn’t much about me, Yoongi-ssi. I'm quite a simple man. But I do enjoy art, painting to be more specific. I enjoy playing the piano as well-”
“You enjoy playing the piano as well?” Yoongi cut him off abruptly, voice much louder than before. And he didn’t give Taehyung any time to respond because he continued just as quickly.
“Taehyung-ssi, it almost feels like we were destined to meet. I mean—someone whose face looks like this.” Yoongi waved his hand around Taehyung’s face like he couldn’t believe the audacity of it, “and then they tell you they also enjoy playing the piano—are you for real, am i sure this is all not just a silly dream?”
The words made Taehyung blink several times, both confused and flustered in equal measures. The actual personification of beauty found him handsome?
“You think I am good looking?” Taehyung asked, staring at Yoongi with eyes wide open.
“Is that all you caught?” Yoongi teased him with a laugh but Taehyung caught his own blush high on his supple cheeks. “Taehyung-ssi, you have the most beautiful face I’ve ever seen. I was surprised I could encounter such beauty in my lifetime. Not when I just look like...me.”
One corner of Yoongi’s mouth tugged into a self-deprecating smile that Taehyung felt almost offended to witness.
“Yoongi-ssi,” he said incredulously, “your face could have anyone speechless and absolutely mesmerized by just a glance, how could you even say that?”
He mumbled the last part under his breath, but he noticed Yoongi’s cheeks darkening into a deeper red, the apples of his cheeks resembling a juicy red apple.
“Oh well, um I— thank you, I guess?” Yoongi’s voice was much higher now, and Taehyung had to hold back a laugh.
Yoongi hastily pops another question to shift the sudden spotlight he was put under.
“Also calling you Taehyung-ssi is too formal and long, and Taehyung is too long still. Do you have any shorter name I could use instead?” Yoongi’s lips formed the cutest little pout when he asked him.
“Well you could, um you can call me, Tae.” Taehyung hesitated because that was the pet name his family used to use. He couldn’t pinpoint why he let a stranger (although he knew quite a few things about him after all the drunken rambling now) know something about him that was so close to his heart, but for some reason, it didn’t make him feel uneasy. He might have hesitated because it was true that the name reminded him of his family, but the soothing aura Yoongi exuded allowed him to not feel so hesitant in letting a small part of his past-self be revealed.
“Well, Tae, you can call me Yoongi hyung. I think we can drop the formalities considering that we just spent quite some time together sharing information, and I feel comfortable around you.” He added the last part with a solemn smile that made his cheeks puff up and his lips to form a straight line. And well, Taehyung's heart melted a little more at that adorable smile.
“Alright, hyung.” He agreed with a boxy smile of his own. And just like Taehyung, the older man’s heart melted as well. Talk about coincidences?
The drop in formalities made Taehyung feel a little more comfortable. It felt as if Yoongi was someone he’d known for a long time instead of just a few hours.
Taehyung got to know that a tipsy Yoongi liked to crack dad jokes, something he picked up from his friend, the very same one who is also crowned the ‘headbutt king’.
They sat side by side enjoying each other's presence as they watched the sky, which had already turned a lovely shade of navy blue with twinkles from the countless stars, some of which shined brighter than the others. They enjoyed a moment of untroubled stillness until Taehyung broke the silence to ask Yoongi a question that had been resting in his throat for quite some time now.
“Hyung, are you happy?”
Yoongi waited for a moment before answering as if he was trying to find the exact words Taehyung needed to hear.
“Well, I try to be. Some days I am, and some days I am not. I can’t force it upon myself. Shit happens, and when I can't do much about it, I allow myself to feel the emotions I need to experience without trying to feel guilty. You can’t really just be constantly happy, can you? I don’t think I have a definite answer to that question, but I would say that I am content. I can be happy, but I can be sad too. I am merely human, and what’s a human without emotions?”
Yoongi didn’t ask him if he was happy probably because he already knew that the question Taehyung had asked held a deeper meaning than anything they’d talked about so far, and Taehyung was glad he didn’t have to give him an answer because he felt like he was physically unable to do so.
He felt like Yoongi was truly trying to find the words he needed to desperately hear, and his head was filled with swirling thoughts and emotions so all he does is let out a small humming sound.
“Can I ask you something, Tae?”
“Shoot.”
“Do you like tteokbokki?”
It was not exactly an absurd question, but it was certainly out of the blue considering the current context of their conversation. He’d feared Yoongi would ask him something Taehyung couldn’t answer, so the innocuous question has him sighing with relief.
“I do certainly enjoy it. What about you, hyung?”
“I love it too. So now that I know you like tteokbokki and you haven’t had dinner since we have spent the entire evening together, hyung will treat you to dinner for drinking your entire water bottle.”
Taehyung felt himself pause. He’d come here with the resolve to die once and for all. Did he really want to give himself another possibility in life? Even after all those times he let himself have one last chance but would still go back to square one, did he want to return to that?
Taehyung took in a tremble of a breath, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment and letting himself soak in the time he spent with Yoongi at his side.
The answer was obvious to him.
He decided to take a leap of faith.
“All that for drinking my water bottle hyung?” Taehyung opened his eyes, smiling at Yoongi cheekily. “Seems like an exaggeration, but I’ll accept it.”
“A bad excuse,” Yoongi shrugged, no shame in his admission, but for all his nonchalance, Taehyung caught a hint of a smirk forming on his lips. “But it worked, didn’t it?”
Taehyung's heart surely hadn’t erupted with butterflies, sunshine and rainbows. But he could feel a certain warmth in his stomach that he had never felt before, and it made him feel nice. Wanted. His ears and cheeks had a red blush similar to the one Yoongi had going on his cheeks as well.
“Well, let’s get going so that I can pay you back for drinking your water, hm?”
And so, Taehyung went with Yoongi. He definitely hadn’t forgotten why he’d come here, but now, something had changed. He felt a new sense of hope and comfort in this man in just one evening. It was small and something truly foreign to him, something he had never felt in the past eleven years of life. Taehyung hadn’t known what he was in for when he’d agreed to let the stranger sit beside him, but he now knew that he could trust him. After all, the man legitimately drank away his last means of finishing himself filled in a bottle.
xxx
Six years later, there was Taehyung at the same spot he had met Yoongi. Both of them sitting together in a place where Taehyung had once come to end it all.
Hope. It was something he had slowly started to believe in. Taehyung had learned hope didn’t just come to him in one form. It came in plenty of miniscule things too, It came when he applied for a job back again and saw the interviewer give him a satisfactory smile, It came even when most of his colleagues would still ignore him, but there would be that one kind soul who would offer a little extra help on the particularly rough days.
But the most important form of hope that came into his life was Yoongi. In his darkened road that was once uneven and wobbly, he was a ray of light. Taehyung felt that it was only through pure serendipity he had met Yoongi. Being so used to his darkened years of life, Yoongi’s light forced him to open up his eyes a little more and look at the other tiny rays of hope that were already present which he had chosen to ignore.
Life still had its ups and downs, but now, he managed and tried hard. He had new dreams and aspirations. But most importantly, he had learned to start living for himself and it felt good, it made him feel enough.
“Do you want a tangerine, Tae?” Yoongi’s voice broke his train of thoughts, ushering him back to the present moment.
“Yes please!” the younger replied enthusiastically.
Yoongi pulled out one from the little basket of snacks they had brought and started peeling it for him before offering it. It was small gestures like these that felt sweeter than the tangerines. And in the sudden moment of endearment, he kissed his boyfriend's cheek.
The said boyfriend's cheeks immediately turned to a precious shade of pink.
“And may I ask, what was that for?” Yoongi muttered almost in a hushed tone, the shy feeling enveloping him.
“Can I not show some love to my boyfriend who still turns pink at the slightest show of affection?” Taehyung added in sneakily.
The other feeling too timid, choose to not answer but just giggle and offer the tangerine for both of them to enjoy.
Life certainly wasn’t perfect now. Each of them had plenty of issues that they were still working on. There were days when Taehyung would rely on Yoongi completely and there were also times where Yoongi couldn't let go off Taehyung. Although living together helped them with rent, there were still months where they would struggle. But he didn’t despise any of his struggles like he used to, he learned it was all part of life. Despite his age, he was still continuing to learn so much about his existence that people expect you to know in some of the earliest stages of your life, but he felt no shame in admitting to understanding life now and rather felt extremely lucky that he got to learn about living alongside Yoongi.
The couple often visited the strawberry field where they met, but this specific trip wasn’t like the others, while to Yoongi it may have felt like one, but for the younger, it was going to be a very important night. Because after five years of being together, he would finally ask his beloved to marry him.
The topic of marriage was something that had been discussed and never shied away from. Yoongi would always throw in slight hints saying how he wasn’t a huge fan of grandiose proposals and felt that it was rather an intimate thing. And Taehyung wasn’t dumb, so he picked up on the hints and realized that there was no better place to ask than where they first met.
Turning to his right, he could see Yoongi silently munching on a few oranges. His brain refused to believe that he was going to ask Yoongi to marry him and even though the racing beat of his heart could be felt under his fingertips, it was now or never.
“Hyung, can I ask you something?”
“Taetae, are you going to ask if my hands were feeling empty and you would like to place something warm, just so you can hold my hand”?
“Well your hand for sure does look empty, but this time, instead of gracing your empty palms with mine, how about a ring?” he looked up to see his lover's confused gaze roam over his features, furrowed eyebrows that indicated if Taehyung was actually asking what he was thinking about.
With his throat in his heart and his eyes on Yoongi, Taehyung haltingly pulled out the ring. Even though he was quite sure of what Yoongi would answer, he could still not calm down his damned heart that refused to stay in a hush.
He shifted to his right a little more to face Yoongi properly and presented the ring with his right hand and held Yoongi’s left hand with the other in a soft embrace.
Despite his nerves going haywire, he could only focus on Yoongi’s tender and warm gaze, which was also ironically the only thing that was helping him calm down.
“My Yoongi, all those years ago, when you drunkenly walked into this exact field with your Bordeaux hair, you saved my life and gave me a hope that I didn't know I had in me to look forward to a new life. Tonight, I would like to move on to a new journey, one where we promise to stay by each other's side, one where I will hold your hand prior to any sneaky lines, and one where I will always stand by you. So Min Yoongi-ssi, will you marry me and do the honors of being my husband?”
He released a shaky breath he didn’t know he was holding in and closed his eyes immediately. He felt Yoongi escape his grip, making his breath halt in fear, but then he felt two warm pairs of palms on either side of his cheeks, cupping them with so much affection.
He steadily opened his eyes and saw Yoongi so close, their speedy breaths mingling, staring right back at him with so much intensity and unshed tears in his eyes.
“Yes, Tae. And I would say yes a million times mor—” Yoongi was abruptly cut off when Taehyung immediately connected their lips with a squeal.
Taehyung had never felt this much delight, he never realized how much a simple yes would bring him joy. He could feel Yoongi’s gummy smile on him and he felt totally euphoric. He disconnected their lips and immediately placed the dainty yet elegant ring on his finger, his heart soaring with even more love as he saw the ring that signified their togetherness.
Taehyung was afraid of promises yet looking into Yoongi’s eyes assured him one thing, it’s that he would love this man forever and that nothing would bring him more happiness than being with him, he knew would do anything to make sure he would have this man by his side until his end. For now, all his worries had slipped away and he could only feel the everlasting love present within their hearts.