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Usually, Hansol was a heavy sleeper. But that night, he couldn’t help but wake up with a desire for sweets. He wasn’t usually like this. He would sleep through the few hours he had for sleep. It was probably the fault of the stressful schedules.
His tired eyes wouldn’t open as he walked with slow and quiet steps to the kitchen. He felt the bright light coming from there through his eyelids.
He blinked his tiredness away and finally opened his eyes, once they finally adjusted to the light of the kitchen. It was weird that the lights were still on. He didn’t turn them on, they were still on when he was in the hallway. Didn’t he see Jeonghan turning them off after he left as the last person in the kitchen?
When he took more notice in his surroundings, he saw something black on the floor. When he looked down, he felt how his heart stopped for a second.
Jisoo was in his pajamas, consisting of a black shirt and some tracksuit trousers. He sat on the floor, his body leaned against the drawers of the kitchen. His knees close to his chest and on them rested his arms, one of them holding a can of beer. Around him were other empty cans and at the end of his toes was the grey plastic bag from the convenient store opposite of their dorm building.
Hansol's heart ached at the sight of the older. The composed Jisoo sitting on the kitchen floor, getting drunk through beer from some cheap convenient store. Vulnerable was the word that he would use to describe the state of the older.
He wasn’t even sure if Jisoo had noticed his appearance. After all, he hadn’t moved a single muscle since the arrival of Hansol. He might be in a drunken state with a lowered reaction time. But even then, compared to the other members, Jisoo was much more aware of his surroundings when drunk.
A lot of things went through his mind. Why was Jisoo here? How long had he been awake? Was this the first time? Were the others aware of this? Something must be going on.
But he couldn’t start a conversation. His foggy mind wasn’t prepared for such a random encounter in the night. Too tired to form the correct words. He just wanted to grab some sweet treats that could ease his sugar cravings. Something like the ice cream left in the freezer for everyone to share.
So that was what he did. He opened the freezer and shivered a little when the icy breeze brushed his skin. He took one of the many ice cream containers and closed it immediately as well.
He went to grab a spoon but something in his mind always reminded him that Jisoo was there as well. That he shouldn’t ignore him or leave him alone.
So he grabbed two spoons before he joined Jisoo on the ground, sitting right next to him.
Hansol offered Jisoo one of the spoons. When he looked at his eyes from the sides, it was like a dark hole, swallowing all the light. It looked like Jisoo’s usually shining eyes lost their brightness. It sounded cheesy but he couldn’t describe it any other way.
Jisoo blinked a few times but didn’t move. He didn’t even look at the younger. Hansol didn't want to place the spoon on the ground. As stupid as it sounds, he placed the spoon on the beer can Jisoo was holding, making sure it wouldn’t fall over. If Jisoo wanted to eat, he wouldn’t have needed to ask Hansol for a spoon (or even move a lot to get it).
After all, he didn’t look like he would be talking anytime soon.
In their dorm, Jisoo was rather talkative and more open than when he is in front of the camera. If Jisoo (or really, if anyone) was quiet, it was most likely that something occupied his mind. However, you just couldn’t push it out of him. After a few tries of asking, the other members would often reveal their thoughts. But Jisoo was a whole mystery of himself. In the next moment he could be smiling again, pretending that he didn’t just avoid speaking for several hours in their private home.
Hansol opened the ice cream container and spooned up small amounts of the vanilla ice cream. Plain flavor, but he didn’t mind. The sugar released a tension he didn’t know he was holding. It felt good to eat something he usually didn’t eat. His breaths were deep, the only source of noise that filled the silence between the two English speakers.
He moved the container closer to Jisoo, watching him with a questioning look.
Jisoo let out a breath before he took the spoon on the beer can. Just like Hansol, he scooped up a little of the frozen treat. He kept the spoon in his mouth as well. The older placed the beer can down on the ground, next to the other cans.
Hansol leaned his head back, right against the drawer that is slowly getting warmer because of his body heat.
Jisoo on the other hand rested his cheek on his left hand, which was supported by his knee. With his right hand, he holds the end of the spoon loosely.
They stayed like this for a while. Just eating the ice cream in silence. No one dared to say a word. Hansol didn’t actually know how to approach Jisoo in the first place.
He always seemed out of reach for Hansol. Even in the group, it felt like there was a big gap between them now. Jisoo was one of the oldest while Hansol was the second youngest. Jisoo was in the Vocal Unit, Hansol in the Hip Hop Unit. It felt like the only thing connecting them and just was their superior English, a song they created years ago and memories of growing up in the States.
Now that they all had their own rooms in the dorms, he even felt more isolated. Not just from Joshua, but from the rest of the group almost.
Hansol felt something heavy resting on his shoulder. When he looked down, he saw that it was Jisoo’s head. The older hugged his own waist and moved his knees closer to his body. His spoon between his thumb and index finger. It didn’t look like he would continue to eat the ice cream.
Hansol was tired of it as well. The amount of sugar in the processed ice cream made him a little sick already. He closed the container and placed it on the ground. His spoon on top of its lid.
The sugar also caused him to have a short boost of energy that washed off his tiredness apparently. He was somehow able to recognize the situation he was in.
Jisoo probably didn’t want the other members to see him like this. His usual gentleman image would be ruined instantly. Now he was caught by Hansol in this state. Drunk, sleep deprived, and simply put, a mess.
But the younger wanted to show that he didn’t care about his current appearance. He didn’t care about images the older was probably ruining. He cared about his friend. A friend who seemed to be at a low point in their life.
Because heck, he didn’t look any better now, did he? Sleep deprived with a craving for sugar in the middle of the night. If Jisoo hadn’t been there he would have mostly likely started to binge. In his pair of shorts and a shirt with a tie-dye pattern. He was a mess as well.
Hansol wanted him to know that he shouldn't feel ashamed of his state. So he cut the silence between them by saying: “What are you thinking about?”
To Hansol, it sounded a little more thoughtful than the plain ‘Are you okay?’. It was clear that Jisoo was not okay. He didn't need to be reminded. And besides, it had always been thoughts that made people quiet. Why not addressing the problem in a direct manner?
The older one didn't answer. But he loosened up his arm so it rested next to Hansol’s one. A deep breath left his mouth. Hansol imagined himself in Jisoo’s shoes. He would probably want people to just leave him alone in this situation. But it would be awkward (and frankly, a little rude) to just leave Jisoo alone, right?
A small voice in his mind told him that he would have liked somebody to be there for him. So he wanted to be that 'somebody’ for Jisoo. Someone with whom he could go through his messed up mind.
“A penny for your thoughts?”, Hansol tried again, this time with a classic English idiom. Maybe then, Jisoo would start to feel a little more familiarity. It had been a while since they talked in English. They usually talk in Korean so the others wouldn't feel so left out. Even when they were alone, they talked in Korean to keep the habit consistent.
And it seemed to work. Jisoo gave a small giggle when he heard the familiar English.
“It feels like I miss English, even though I could talk and listen to it all the time”, muttered Jisoo, the first word he had said since he was found. Hansol didn’t answer because the older of the two already continued to talk.
“Do you think it’s alright? To feel lonely?”
Jisoo turned back to Korean when he asked Hansol that question. The latter could only swallow.
“You know, I have supporting parents, the members, the managers, and Carats...there is always someone there who I could talk to. And yet I can’t help but feel...so lonely. Kinda ironic, right?”, Jisoo’s words came in a mere whisper. At his last words, there were a few voice cracks.
Surprisingly, Jisoo’s words hit harder than he thought. His heart even started to pain a little and he felt dizzy. But they felt familiar to Hansol. He wasn't stupid after all. They felt right because they were true.
“It's not. Your feelings are valid. Why else would you feel them?” Hansol didn’t care anymore and intertwined their fingers together. “If I’m being honest, I started to feel that too. The loneliness I mean.”
It felt weird. Talking with someone who actually somehow understood the conflicting feelings inside of you. Usually, you would keep them to yourself since you fear that nobody would understand you. But here with Jisoo, admitting his loneliness, Hansol himself was all too familiar with already felt...gladdening.
“Around people all the time and yet...you can’t seem to feel any connection. Do you mean it like that?”, Jisoo asked back. Hansol dared to put his head on top of Jisoo’s. The latter didn’t even reject his action. Maybe he noticed that both of them just needed the comfort of the other.
“A lot had been going on. I feel like I never had the chance to sit down for a while and just...talk to someone. But not on the business level, but like on a intimate level if that made any sense”
As Jisoo didn’t answer to the last remark, it was silent between them again. This time, it wasn’t the comfortable silence, but it felt agonizing for Hansol. They just left such a hard hitting topic empty in the room.
He looked down to his hand which was holding onto Jisoo’s.
“Do you even feel lonely now? With me here, talking to you?”
He could feel how Jisoo tightened up his grip. The other lifted his head off his shoulders. Hansol grew used to that weight already and missed it once it was gone.
He turned his head to look at Jisoo. For the first time in the night, they shared eye contact. There was the shine in the eyes of Jisoo again.
The corners of Jisoo slowly lifted, even making his eyes form into small crescent. A gentle, genuine smile. It looked reassuring.
Maybe, no words were really needed after all.
Hansol copied the soft smile of Jisoo after he heard those words. Jisoo rested his head on Hansol’s shoulder again. He moved his other arm so he would be holding his hand with both of his ones.
A look on the clock on the oven made them stand up. They should try to get some hours of sleep before the upcoming schedule in a few hours. They threw the beer cans away, cleaned the spoons and put the ice container back into the freezer.
Jisoo’s room was closer to the kitchen. The older opened his door to his room but turned around to look at Hansol again.
“Remember to brush your teeth”, Hansol lightened up the atmosphere. Jisoo giggles quietly, since he didn’t want to wake the others up. Their rooms were closer now after all.
“You too. I just...wanted to thank you for that talk. You don't know how much I needed that."
"I'm grateful as well. It was really comforting to talk about that with you."
They smiled at each other one last time and said their good-nights before Jisoo disappeared behind the door of his room. When the next morning arrived, they pretended that the encounter the night prior hadn't happened at all. They couldn’t even think about it. Interviews, shootings and filming occupied their minds. During one event, they already thought about the next one. Even days after, that night was never mentioned by any of the two ever again.
But the members would point out how Jisoo and Hansol had suddenly gotten closer.
And they will never find out why.
It was an unspoken secret which connected just the two of them.