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Stanley honestly can’t remember a time when he and Xeno hadn’t been together.
Their mothers were friends before they were even born. They grew up across the street from one another, and sat on the same bus seat on the way to school.
They had sleepovers every weekend, and went to after school programs together.
When they started middle school, they were even bullied together- until Stanley put his fist in Randal’s mouth and shattered Murphy’s glasses because he called Xeno’s bowtie “lame”. Calling Stanley a girl because of his soft, feminine features was one thing, but the minute their bullying had swapped to Xeno and his love of education, Stanley had snapped.
Randal had been twice his size, with more than four inches on scrawny little Stanley, but Stanley was scrappy. He had two older brothers and a father in the military; he might not have known what a quadratic equation was, but he knew how to fight.
“You watch your fuckin’ mouth!” Stanley had snarled, hands fisted in Randal’s shirt, uncaring of the blood that flowed from his own nose. The school teacher had to drag Stanley off Randal, and half the school thought he was insane, but no one bothered Xeno again.
High school wasn't much different, but Xeno found a group of people who understood his love of science and began hanging out with them. It left a little less time for Stanley, but Stan didn't mind. Xeno always came to his house after his club meetings with stars in his eyes, rambling on and on about what they did in the club that day, and Stanley wouldn't trade those moments for anything.
He realizes he's not the same as his brothers when he turns fourteen and still hasn't gotten off to one of the many magazines shoved under Peter's bed featuring busty girls laying on the hoods of cars like Peter and Toby do.
Toby rags on Stanley, tells him he's probably defective because Stan's never had a hard on, but Toby is 17 and gets an erection at the drop of a hat, so Stanley doesn't take Toby's words to heart. He doesn't think he's defective, but he has a reputation to keep up, so when he's around other guys from school, he lies.
"Obviously Kelly Greer is the hottest," he says around the filter of a cigarette he lifted from Peter. "She gets me harder than a steep pipe."
She doesn't, in truth, but Kelly Greer is Toby's favorite gravure model, so even if they don't do anything for him, he's at least seen pictures of her.
What does do something for him is walking in on Xeno changing clothes one day.
He's just gotten out of a shower obviously, water droplets sluicing down the planes of his back, over lithe muscles and pale skin; Stanley steps back into the hall and closes the door quickly, heart racing.
It's not unusual to see other men change clothes. He sees it in the locker room at school every day. Hell, he shares a room with Toby and sees him buck ass naked at least once a week.
But seeing Xeno's bare body…
Stanley races down the stairs and books it back to his own house before Xeno can even finish getting dressed.
He doesn't tell anyone, most especially Xeno.
-
When Stanley is sixteen, he kisses Randall Swanson behind the school after detention.
He doesn't love Randall. He doesn't even like Randall. They're not dating, and they certainly aren't "gay".
Stanley just wants to test something out.
Mrs. Hartford, the vice principal, catches them.
She calls his father.
When Stanley is sixteen, he runs away from home for the first time in his life after his father hits him.
His dad had never done that before.
Xeno finds him, because of course he does. Stanley's hiding in an abandoned train car with nothing but the clothes on his back when Xeno shows up out of breath from running.
Xeno's got a duffle bag over his shoulder and a backpack in his arms and Stanley frowns when he hefts himself into the train car beside him.
"What are you doing here?" He grumbles, cheek still smarting from where his dad's fist caught him.
"Your mom came over in a panic asking if we'd seen you," Xeno rifles through the backpack in his arms as he explains. "She said your dad got out of hand and hit you."
Stanley grits his teeth, doesn't reply.
"I figured you'd be here," Xeno continues, obviously not expecting a reply, "so I packed us some supplies and things. We'll need to find a way to get some cash-"
"What are you talking about??" Stanley interjects, brows furrowed in confusion as he finally meets Xeno's eyes. Xeno holds out a mostly frozen bag of peas.
"We're running away, aren't we?"
And he says it so casually, like it's just the thing to do. Like he knew Stanley's plans, predicted his movements, and just decided to come along for the ride as well.
"What do you mean "we?"" Stanley takes the frozen vegetables from Xeno a little more roughly than strictly necessary, but Xeno doesn't comment on it.
"I mean we," Xeno nods his head at the bags beside them. "You. Me. Running away. There's really nothing more to it."
"Xeno," Stan sighs.
"We promised we'd be best friends for life," Xeno says seriously. "Brothers until the end of time. If you're running away, so am I."
Stanley doesn't look back at Xeno after that, even when Xeno begins rubbing his shaking shoulders soothingly.
Xeno might already know what he's doing, but Stan doesn't want the smaller teen to see him cry.
Stan is sixteen when he realizes that he's gay.
He loves Xeno, but Xeno has never looked at him the same way.
-
They don't run away from home that day, but they do spend the evening in the train car.
Xeno really had been prepared to leave home with Stanley; inside the duffle bag had been clothing for a couple days and cans of fruit and beans. He'd even grabbed half a loaf of bread and a can opener, much to Stanley's amusement.
They go home sometime after midnight, and of course, both families had been waiting up. They both get scolded and hugged in turns, and read the riot act for "running away".
When the Wingfield's take Xeno home, and mom ushers Toby and Peter back to bed, Stanley's father hugs Stanley to his chest and apologizes in a strained voice.
It sounds like there's a knot in his father's throat, and Stanley gets that.
He feels it as well.
-
When they're 18, Xeno gets accepted to a university in another state... and Stanley enlists in the military.
Stanley doesn't tell Xeno that he's enlisted until the day before he leaves for basic training, and Xeno is furious.
He slaps Stanley.
He's hurt and angry and refuses to see Stanley off, no matter what Mrs. Wingfield says. Stanley doesn't want his mom to make a big deal of things, but the whole family piles into Arthur's pick up to drive Stanley to the train station anyways.
"I'll only be gone a few weeks," Stan promises, hugging his mother tight.
"But then you'll only be home a few weeks before you're gone again!" She's already crying. Stan smiles when Toby ruffles his hair, and Peter hugs him so tight his back cracks. He tries to "be a man" with Arthur, his father, and offers his hand for a firm shake- but Arthur pulls him into a hug almost as tight as Peter's.
Stanley boards the train with his bags and watches his family load up to leave. He waits and watches as more people board the train; young men like him, and married couples, older men and women, and a handful of kids, and he tries not to be disappointed that Xeno really didn't come to see him off.
It's better this way, he knows.
He needs to cut this off before it gets too deep.
He can't let himself fall any further in love with the boy next door than he already is.
The last call for boarding goes up, and Stanley rests his forehead on the window. A familiar head of silver and black hair has his head whipping up though, eyes wide as he watches Xeno scurry across the train platform, eyes flitting around the crowd, hurriedly scanning faces, looking close to tears-
Stanley kneels up in his seat and unlatches the window. "What the hell are you doing here?!"
Several heads turn, including Xeno's, but Stan only has eyes for Xeno. Xeno nearly trips over his own feet in his haste to get closer to Stanley's window.
"You were really planning to leave without saying goodbye?!" He cries, and Stanley frowns.
"You said you hated me!" He protests. "You said you didn't wanna see me off because-"
"Obviously I was lying!" Xeno stomps his foot, cheeks flushed and eyes brimming with unshed tears. "I was just hurt and angry- you didn't tell me anything about this until yesterday!! You let me make all those stupid plans for us- watched me make a fool of myself as I talked about living together in California-"
"It wasn't foolish!" Stanley says vehemently.
An attendant is ushering Xeno back. "Sir, please step back from the train!"
"Stanley!"
The train whistle blows shrilly, begins to move slowly along the tracks.
"I'll be home in a few weeks," Stanley raises his voice to be heard over the hustle and bustle and train noise. "We'll talk about this then!"
"Stanley Snyder, I hate you!" Xeno shouts, and Stanley hates himself too as he watches the tears finally spill over Xeno's ruddy cheeks.
Stanley closes the window and slips down into his seat, stomach roiling and chest clenching painfully. He doesn't realize he's crying until something falls off his cheek and lands in his lap.
It's a little pink star.
He swipes at his cheeks, fingers coming away wet and a little gritty. It doesn't feel like sand- it's much more fine, and tinted a pink color.
He's heard about something like this before, read it in a book once for school, too, but he's never seen it in real life. He sniffs and wipes his eyes, swallowing back the rest of his tears, and slips the little pink star into his pocket to save for later. He'll have to get himself a jar when he gets his own living space.
He's sure he'll have plenty more of these gem-like things to fill one with.
-
During the health exam two days later, Stanley realizes that he can't see the color pink anymore.
He bluffs it though, and manages to pass his physical.
He's going to have to learn how to tell shades of grey apart, apparently.
It’s called Star Tear Disease, and the effects are irreversible.
Borne from the feelings of unrequited love, Star Tear Disease is a fairly common disease. It can’t be prevented, nor is there really a “cure” apart from having your love returned; in a way, it would have been easier on Stanley if he’d grown flowers in his lungs instead. At least then he’d have had the option of getting the plant removed.
But for Star Tear Disease, all he can do is let it run its course.
-
Stanley is seen as a target right away with his feminine features and slim stature, but he lets the younger recruits know who the alpha male is.
He might be the youngest of three, but he hasn't lost a wrestling match with Toby since he was thirteen.
He makes a handful of "friends" and more than one or two enemies, and before he knows it, it's time to head home. The train ride back feels more ominous than the ride to basic training. He hadn't told his family when he'd be coming home, so there's no one waiting for Stanley at the station.
Stanley doesn't mind though. It gives him a chance to figure out what he's gonna say to Xeno when he eventually sees him.
After all, he has to figure out how to say "I'm being stationed in California, but I can't live with you for the sake of my own sanity" without actually saying that.
He doesn't wanna lose his best friend, but he can't lose anymore of his colors, or his sight all together, so he's trying to keep a tight lid on his emotions. He doesn't want Xeno to know either, because he knows his best friend; even if he doesn't love Stanley, he'll try to, just to save Stan's ability to see.
Stanley stops at the corner of his street, breath catching in his throat.
Xeno is sitting on his front steps, book in hand, and the universe must really hate Stanley, because the evening sun is glinting off his silvery hair and casting shadows over Xeno's face, accentuating the serious frown Xeno wears as he focuses all his attention on the book in his lap.
Maybe it's the fact that they've been apart for nearly a month, or maybe it's just the way the setting sun is hitting him, but Xeno looks good. Looking at him has Stanley's stomach turning cartwheels and his heart in his mouth.
Xeno suddenly looks up, like he can feel Stanley's eyes on him, and maybe he can; Stan has no idea how long he's been standing here staring at the other man. The snap of the book in Xeno's hands closing echoes down their sleepy little street, and Stan swallows, forcing his heart back into place. He makes himself move forward.
"You certainly took your time coming home," Xeno's voice is clipped, arms folded over his chest. Stanley stops at the bottom of Xeno's porch.
Xeno's pouting.
"I can't control how long it takes to pass basic training," he drawls.
"Mm. You sure you weren't just avoiding coming home?" He goads, tipping his chin up defiantly. "Running away from a fight, Stanley Snyder?"
Stanley pulls himself up to full height, lips pursed. "You trying to pick one, Xeno Wingfield?"
Stanley watches Xeno’s jaw tighten, his hands clench into fists, and wonders if Xeno is actually about to fight him- but then Xeno exhales heavily, deflating like a cheap birthday balloon at a kid’s birthday party.
“No.” He grumbles. Stanley relaxes his posture with a sigh as well. “So?” Xeno gives a half shouldered shrug. “What now?”
“Well, I should probably go tell them I’m home,” Stanley nods his head at the little house behind him. “I didn’t tell them when I would be back, so.” he shrugs.
“And then?” Xeno prompts.
“And then Momma’s gonna wanna have a big dinner, of course. You know her. She’ll probably call your mom in about half an hour and ask her to make potato salad.” That’s not what Xeno means and they both know it. “...And over dinner I’ll announce that I’m being stationed in California at the end of next month.”
Xeno blinks, surprised. “...California.” he parrots.
“California,” Stanley repeats, fighting the amused smirk he feels trying to make itself known. “I’ll be staying in the barracks, of course, but it’s less than an hour away from where you’ll be studying. I can-”
“Wait a minute-” Xeno frowns and Stanley can see the gears in his brain turning, thoughts flying, “you knew?? You knew you were going to be stationed in California??”
“I was pretty sure,” Stanley nods. “Dad talked to a few people and pulled some strings. I told him he didn’t have to, but you can’t tell a Sargeant anything.”
Xeno pushes to his feet in a huff. “You knew you’d be going to California, but you still let me believe that-”
“I didn’t “let” you do a damn thing!” Stanley interjects. “You went jumping to conclusions all willy-nilly on your own!”
“Because you didn’t tell me anything!” Xeno shouts.
“Because I knew you’d be like this!” Stanley throws a hand out, motioning at the smaller man.
“What’s that supposed to mean?!”
“You know what it means!”
“I-!” Xeno stops abruptly, suddenly nose to nose with Stanley, and the taller man feels his stomach fall.
He hadn’t even realized they were that close.
He’s not sure who moved first- if he stepped up the stairs or if Xeno stepped down- but Xeno’s dark brown eyes are right there- their faces less than a foot apart. All he would have to do is lean in and their lips would be-
“Stanley? Is that you??” Xeno goes rigid at the sound of Stanley’s mother’s voice. Stanley hesitates a second before stepping backwards and turning around. His mother is on their front porch, eyes wide and dish towel in hand.
“Hey Ma,” he smiles. “I’m home.”
-
Beatrice does invite the Wingfields over for dinner, and everyone has a thousand questions for Stanley.
Toby won’t let him live down his new shaved haircut, and all the teasing and jibes have them wrestling on the living room floor before dessert is even served.
Stan and Xeno don’t talk about the incident on the stairs, and in just over a month, they’re on their way to California.
True to his word, Stanley visits Xeno as often as he can, which usually ends up being every weekend. Xeno offers to visit Stanley instead but-
"Absolutely not," Stanley shakes his head, moving Xeno's school books to the floor so he can flop across the small dormitory bed.
"But why??" Xeno insists.
"Because I said so."
Stanley always says the same thing and never elaborates, but Xeno doesn't pry, even if he's certainly curious about the reason Stanley won't let him come to the barracks.
Stan could lie and say Xeno isn't allowed to, but Xeno knows better.
Their first three years in California pass by before the boys even realize it, and suddenly Xeno is in his senior year moving into a tiny apartment that barely fits into his budget but is close enough to his part time job slash internship at a world renowned science and research center.
"You just watch me," Xeno huffs, climbing the third set of stairs with another box of personal items, Stanley trudging up the stairs behind him. "Once I graduate, I'm gonna secure my position and work my way up to head researcher. I'll be the youngest in my field. I'm-" he stumbles on the stairs but quickly rights himself. "I'm going to make a ton of money and rent an apartment on the ground-fucking-floor!" Xeno complains loudly.
Stanley laughs, more than a little amused. "Alright Hot Shot. When you secure that fancy position, you better be taking me out for drinks."
"All the drinks!" Xeno calls from the end of the hallway, trying to open his apartment door one handed. "So many drinks!"
"Right," Stan drawls. Xeno eventually gets the door open and Stanley has to shake his head, still smiling.
The apartment door looks grey to Stanley as he passes through, but at this point, there's a couple different colors it could be.
Stanley just can't see them.
-
When they're 25, Xeno does get that new apartment.
It's not on the ground floor, but the building has an elevator, so the trade off seems fair enough for the young scientist.
Stanley comes over to help Xeno pack and move, of course. Xeno asks when Stanley plans on getting an apartment of his own, but Stanley just shrugs. "The barracks suit me fine."
Xeno gets too distracted to pack properly, so Stanley ends up doing most of the packing and sending Xeno up and down stairs with the boxes full of stuff. Thankfully, Xeno doesn't have a lot of shit, so Stanley gets the whole apartment packed in just under two hours. He saves the bedroom for last because he's not looking forward to packing all the books on Xeno's wall to wall bookshelves.
He decides to start packing the smaller things first, the knick knacks and photos and stuff, but when he opens the drawer of Xeno's nightstand, his heart stops.
Half hidden under a notebook is a glass jar filled nearly to the brim with familiar star shaped crystals.
Stanley is only missing a few colors, so he can tell that this jar contains an entire array of colors, from red to green and nearly everything in between, and Stanley's heart is racing now, adrenaline spiking.
"Xeno!" He shouts, pulling the jar out of the drawer.
"Just a second!" Xeno calls. Stanley hears the shuffle of boxes and the dull thud of Xeno's boots against the bare floor. He's frowning when he enters the bedroom, obviously having heard the sharp edge in Stanley's voice. "What's-" he stills, face going carefully blank.
Stanley turns to fully face Xeno, glass jar in hand. "What the hell is this?" He demands.
"None of your business," Xeno replies, tone clipped, as he strides forward. "You've got no reason to be snooping around in my-"
"Snooping??" Stanley raises the jar high above his head, taking advantage of the few inches of height difference they have. "I've been working my ass off packing up your apartment today- the fuck do you mean "snooping"??"
"I can pack the rest of it by myself!" Xeno snaps, stretching up on tiptoes to reach for the jar in Stanley's hand.
"Stop changing the subject!!" Stanley growls, taking a few steps backwards. "There's a whole rainbow in here!!"
"Drop it, Stan!" Xeno shouts, furious.
"No! I wanna know who the hell you've been crying an entire rainbow for!"
"It's none of your business!!"
"None of my-?!" Stanley glares at Xeno. "The fact that you've been walking around colorblind for who knows how long is none of my business? The fact that you have an entire fucking pickle jar full of stars for someone isn't my business??"
"Exactly!! It's none of your business!!" Xeno shouts. "If I wanna cry my eyes out over a man who's never looked at me as more than an annoying younger brother my entire life then that's my prerogative!"
Stanley feels like he's been punched in the gut.
He's not sure what's more shocking, though.
"A man?" His mouth moves before his brain has time to catch up. Xeno goes rigid, face paling. Stanley slowly lowers the hand holding the jar above his head, cradling it in both hands, eyes never leaving Xeno. “What does that mean?” Xeno’s mouth opens and closes, chin trembling almost imperceptibly. He flicks his tongue out, moistening his lips, and still can’t seem to find any words.
“I…”
“Xee?” Stanley takes a hesitant step forward, and Xeno swallows heavily.
“I’m going to puke,” Xeno mumbles, rushing past Stanley to the bathroom. The door slams shut and Stanley is left staring at the bedroom wall, listening to Xeno heave up the three slices of pepperoni pizza he ate not even two hours ago.
He must be crazy.
Completely and totally insane.
Even in this situation, he can’t keep hope from flaring up in his chest.
-
When Xeno finally emerges from the bedroom thirty minutes later, his eyes are wet and red rimmed. His nose looks raw and his cheeks are still flushed.
Stanley is sitting on the living room couch, cup of coffee in one hand, cigarette in the other, and the jar of stars sitting on the coffee table in front of him. Xeno side steps the stack of boxes outside the bedroom door and crosses the living room to flop heavily onto the opposite end of the couch. Stanley wordlessly passes Xeno the mug in his hands, and Xeno chugs the lukewarm beverage like a shot of tequila. Neither man speaks for a long time.
"How do you manage to work in a lab when you can't see the colors?" Stanley finally breaks the silence.
"I uh," Xeno clears his throat, keeps his eyes on the jar, "I wear goggles. They're uh- they make it easier to distinguish between the shades of grey, and for colors like red or even green, I can see muted color. It's- it's not uncommon. There are a few scientists who have uh… with the same condition, so." He shrugs. Stanley has never, in all his life, heard Xeno stutter so much or sound so unsure. Even when he gave a report on sexual reproduction in seventh grade.
"Who is it?" Stanley asks quietly, heart thundering in his chest. Xeno purses his lips, jaw clenched, and Stanley sighs, running a hand through his cropped hair. "Xee, I'm not… I don't think…" he takes a deep breath. "I'm gay, Xeno. Very gay."
Xeno's head whips around so fast Stanley thinks the scientist might have whiplash.
"What?" Xeno breathes. Stanley nods.
"I realized it when we were teens." Stanley confides. He steels his nerves and meets Xeno's eyes. "You made me realize it."
Xeno looks just as stricken as Stanley probably did when Xeno accidentally outed himself. Stanley watches Xeno swallow and, like the cry baby he's always been, Xeno's eyes start to fill with tears.
"That's not funny," he whispers. "If you're making fun of me-"
"I would never make fun of you-"
"Or pitying me-"
"Have I ever pitied you?"
Xeno purses his lips. "You mean it?" He asks quietly. "I… you liked me..?"
"Present tense," Stanley corrects. "I "like" you. I have since we were kids."
Xeno exhales heavily, shakily. "I hate you, Stanley Snyder." Stanley's stomach plummets, but before the sour feeling in his stomach has time to grow, Xeno continues. "I've cried enough stars to fill an entire galaxy over you since we were 18, and you're telling me they were worthless?"
"About as worthless as the ones I cried." Stanley drawls, the sour feeling turning into butterflies. Xeno's eyes widen and Stanley nods.
"I don't believe this," Xeno huffs, dragging a hand down his face and slumping down on the couch. "Nearly every color in my vision, gone, for absolutely no reason."
"Don't worry. I'll take responsibility," Stanley takes Xeno's free hand and laces their fingers together as he stubs out his cigarette. "I've only lost a few; I'll stay by your side and tell you what color is what."
Xeno smiles softly at their intertwined fingers. "Promise?"
Stanley brings Xeno's hand up to his lips and places a soft kiss to Xeno's knuckles.
"Promise."