Work Text:
5 weeks to Christmas
No one could quite remember who had suggested it; it was one of those late night ideas after a few beers and a bottle of wine or two, but somehow it had stuck in the backs of their minds, remembered with more clarity a couple of weeks later when they all met again for a drink at the bar.
"...it's a good idea and then everyone will get a present and we're not all spending a fortune on each other," Sif caught the tail end of the conversation as she approached the table and looked quizzically at Jane as she pulled off her hat, dark hair spilling over her shoulders like ink, earning her several admiring glances from the other patrons.
"What's that?"
"We’re doing Secret Santa instead of buying everyone a present."
"Well, we’re currently debating it. Almost everyone is in. Have a guess at who has flat-out refused to get into the Christmas spirit?" Thor grinned and rolled his eyes before nodding his head towards the door where Loki had just come in, running a hand through his hair and ridding it of the snow that was falling heavily outside. “Scrooge himself!”
Sif inhaled sharply, noticing the spots of colour on his normally pale face and absolutely definitely ignoring the tightness in her chest she felt on seeing him, reminding her of... No. She wasn't going to think about it.
"We'll get him on board. So, Sif, are you in?" Fandral winked at her, laughing as she hit his arm and shrugged off her coat.
She nodded, "yes, sounds good. I'm going to get a drink, does anyone else want one?" There was a chorus of no's and she headed to the bar, definitely not letting her gaze wander to Loki who had gone to the bar first instead of the table. She briefly wondered why he was late but then ridded herself of that thought as quickly as it had occurred to her. But then she felt him next to her, knew it was him without even turning her head.
"Hello." His voice was soft but there was an edge to it, one that told her he was speaking to her because he had to and not because he wanted to, because he wanted to look polite to his brother and their friends, who were pretending not to watch them as intently as they were, and not like the antagonistic infant he usually was.
"Loki. Charmed, I'm sure." She turned then, meeting his bright green eyes, taking in the indifferent, almost bored, expression which he seemed to wear almost permanently now. A part of her vaguely wondered why he still bothered to join them when he gave off an air of hating everyone and everything. Thor hadn’t been wrong in calling him Scrooge.
"Lovely to see you too Sif; I was informed that you would be unable to make it this evening,” her eyes flashed with anger and he smirked.
“I’m so sorry, Loki. Did my appearance force you into civility?” She bit back, regretting her sharp tone almost instantly. Almost. She hated that things were like this, and even when she thought it was going…well slightly better than it usually did he’d say something and they’d be back to square one.
“No, not at all. Only that Thor had mentioned you would not be making it.”
"So you only came because you thought I wouldn't be here? That is low even for you," she spat.
"Oh for- must you always snap at me?”
“Must you always give me cause to? Excuse me,” and with that she turned on her heel and stalked off towards the toilets. He sighed, exasperated. It wasn’t that he tried to wind her up (much), it was just such an old habit and he was nothing if not habitual. But he also knew that if he didn’t needle her now and again, they probably wouldn’t speak at all and he didn’t know if he could bear that. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, leaning heavily against the bar.
“What do you think they’re talking about?” Darcy murmured, keeping her gaze on the dark-haired coupe at the bar.
“Who knows? It doesn’t look like it’s going too badly anyway. Not yet,” Thor answered with a small smile. The rest of the group laughed awkwardly, all too aware of the occasions when Loki and Sif had traded verbal blows until one had walked out, or worse when they were ignoring each other with such determination that is was uncomfortable for everyone.
"Do you think they'll ever be civil again?" Hogun asked, addressing no one in particular.
"What do you mean again?" Darcy sat up straighter and looked around the table, before letting her gaze settle on Thor. He sighed heavily and cast a brief glance over to the bar, turning his bottle in his hands.
"A long time ago, although perhaps not that long really, before university and jobs and...life, Sif and Loki were great friends for a while. They hadn't always been though, not when we were young anyway, and then we became teenagers and they...I don't know, grew closer to the point of being almost inseparable. Then something happened and they've been this way ever since."
"Well what happened?"
"I don't know, and I didn't want to pry, even though it hurts me to see them both like this. I don't think anyone knows what happened beyond the pair of them. Or perhaps their university friends might but I only met them once or twice."
"I could always ask them."
"No offence Darce but I don't think they'd be likely to tell you," Jane patted her friend's arm, knowing how much she liked to help people.
"Well we need to do something or it's only going to get worse, and I like Sif and I like Loki and I don't want to have to feel like we have to pick sides when we go out!"
They all looked over to the bar where Loki was now stood by himself, staring off into the distance, with Sif nowhere to be seen.
"Guys, I've had an idea," Darcy said after a few minutes, breaking the silence that had settled over them. The others all looked at her with curious expectance. "What if we rig the Secret Santa so they get each other?"
"And how would we make that work if it's a secret?"
"Well, we just keep their names out of the main draw, stick them in an envelope and say they were what was left. And they won't say anything to each other."
"That...that could actually work you know."
"Or it could backfire."
"You never know unless you try though. And I could get Ian to sort the names out so we could say we had nothing to do with it."
"Ian the intern?"
"YES. I like to give him jobs that make him feel important." They all laughed and almost missed the quiet approach from two directions of Sif and Loki.
"What’s so funny?"
"Ian the intern," Jane smiled and Volstagg stood and indicated for them both to sit down.
"We were just discussing the Secret Santa. I'm going to get Ian the intern to mix up and assign the names. We'll get them in a sealed envelope by say, the weekend, and then we'll have almost four weeks to get a present, with a limit of about £20. That sounds fair doesn't it?"
“Do I have to? I’d rather spend the money on a brick,” Loki rolled his eyes and sat back in his seat.
“Surprising no-one,” Sif muttered under her breath, heard only by Darcy who flashed her a smile.
“Well, you don’t have to, but it won’t kill you to join in, will it…Mr Grinch?”
“GRINCH GRINCH GRINCH GRINCH!” Volstagg, Fandral and Hogun all shouted and banged the table, earning the group some amused glances from the other people in the bar. Sif smirked behind her glass, as Loki shifted in his seat, uncomfortable with the attention.
“FINE. If it will stop that incessant noise. Fine. I will join in with your stupid Christmas game.” The rest of the table cheered and the night continued, with Loki and Sif watching rather than joining in and casting furtive glances at each other every so often.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]
Subject: GUYS I'VE HAD ANOTHER IDEA...
… AND THIS ONE IS BRILLIANT. Even more brilliant than the SS. Not like that SS, but you know, the Secret Santa. WE SHOULD TALK TO THEM BOTH AND TRY AND CONVINCE THEM THAT THE OTHER PERSON ISN'T TERRIBLE. David Tennant and Catherine Tate. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
Santa's Little ELFER (get it??!?!?)
P.S. Ian is working on the name thing. He's so excited. I almost feel bad for not asking him to be a part of it.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]
Subject: Re: GUYS I'VE HAD ANOTHER IDEA...
Darcy, please stop sending things like this to my PROPER SENSIBLE GROWN-UP EMAIL ADDRESS. THEY CAN SEE IT YOU KNOW. (Also the cats...)
Secondly, these are people's lives; we can't just interfere like this.
Jane Foster,
Astrophysics
P.S. If you want to include Ian, Erik said he would be happy to join in.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]
Subject: Re: re: GUYS I'VE HAD ANOTHER IDEA...
I think it's worth a shot. They can't go on like this; it's only going to get worse. Meet at that bar, you know the one, the red one, at 8 o'clock tonight to discuss further.
Thor Odinson
Asgard and Co.
4 weeks to Christmas
Loki, of all people. LOKI. Sif groaned and buried her head back under her pillow. A restless night of sleep hadn't made it any less real than when she'd opened the envelope, left for her at work, the evening before. She couldn't even remember the last time they'd had a proper conversation that hadn't ended in shouting or acidic words or hurt feelings. And she knew why, she knew exactly why but that was a wound she tried to ignore, still, even now, almost a decade later. How utterly ridiculous that she was still hung up on something so stupid. Except it wasn't stupid. It had never felt stupid. It had been very real. And he had no idea.
Fucking Loki, she cursed under her breath, dragging herself out of bed and heading to the bathroom, already regretting agreeing to go shopping with Jane and Darcy and Frigga. She turned on the shower and wondered if she could swap with someone, but then she'd have to explain why and that wasn't a conversation she even wanted to think about having. She could always get him a giftcard for a bookshop she mused as the hot water washed over her, easing the tension in her shoulders and clearing her mind.
"Darcy I thought we were supposed to be Christmas and wedding shopping, you know for presents for friends and family and things for Jane?" Sif sighed as she leaned against the wall in the changing rooms. They'd been out for HOURS.
"And we are. It's just that this dress is calling out to me and it's on sale and Jane and Frigga I need you to help me zip it up!"
They both gave Sif an apologetic smile as Darcy's hand appeared from behind the curtain and dragged the other women into the cubicle. Sif pulled out her phone and idly flicked through the various apps, passing the time without any real focus. It wasn't that she hated shopping or even that she disliked the other women's company. It was just that...it was clothes shopping and she'd never really enjoyed that, even though her mother had tried incredibly hard to get her interested… She was brought out of her reverie by the hushed tones of her companions from behind the heavy curtain.
"No honestly, Fandral said it's completely true." Sif smiled to herself, wondering what her friend had been gossiping about this time.
"Well so did Thor. He was speaking of it with Odin. You know how much he loves his brother and worries about him," it was Frigga who spoke then and Sif's ears pricked up. They were talking about Loki, but...why?
"I just can't believe Loki has finally decided that he's ready to settle down. He's never really seemed interested."
"Maybe it's all of the wedding talk. There are only a few months to go now, and perhaps he is realising that he would like more in his life."
"Maybe. Do you think she knows?"
"No, no way. Otherwise they wouldn't have fought at the bar the other week...or any other time. Unless she does know and is just antagonising him, but that's kind of cruel and I don't think she'd do that."
"I just can't believe he's in love with Sif..." the voices trailed off and Sif stepped back, heart thudding. There was no way... It couldn't... They couldn't... He didn't... Her mind was reeling as she dropped her bags and headed out of the shop, she needed to breathe. He couldn't, he just couldn't...not now, not after...everything...
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected], [email protected]
Subject: The eagle has flown.
Or something. SIF KNOWS. She left the shop and we found her in Starbucks and she was kind of thoughtful but didn’t say anything. YOUR TURN. Let me know how it goes.
Darcy x
"Loki! So glad to see you, come and watch with us!" Thor called from the lounge as Loki crossed through the hall.
"Yes in a moment, I'll just get a drink." He headed straight for the kitchen and the bottles of alcohol lined up on the counter, pouring himself a whiskey and downing it. Sif. He had to buy a present for Sif. He wouldn't even know where to start. He couldn't do it. But he couldn't swap because they'd ask why...and he didn't know why, couldn't explain it. Because it hurt to even think of her? Because he hadn't spoken to her properly in years? He poured another drink and closed his eyes. Sif. SIF. Sometimes the universe was very cruel.
A loud cheer came from the other room and he heard Fandral and Volstagg laughing with Thor and Odi-father. He had mostly come to terms with the bombshell that had been dropped on his twenty-first birthday, but some days - days when his heart felt black and he felt like he was suffocating and his hands wouldn't stop twitching and he felt restless down to his very core, he slipped back in to old ways. He'd go and join them in a minute. Really he would. He just needed a minute.
A minute turned into ten and another glass of whiskey. He slipped into the study needing some peace away from the shouts and noise of the…football match, he assumed (watching sports wasn’t really his first choice of activity but he was trying hard to take more of an interest in Thor’s life and so here he was). He could still here the rumblings of the game and the men from the lounge but it was more muted here. He sat back in the large leather chair and collected himself.
"Maybe he's in the study." It was Thor speaking quietly...but from the kitchen. "I just want to show you the necklace I bought for Jane, she has no idea!" There were footsteps coming closer...and then the door-handle rattled and Loki bolted upright. The door opened a fraction...and Thor entered, followed by Odin, Fandral and Volstagg.
"No, not in here, must be in the garden," Thor grinned and unbeknownst to Loki, tilted his head to where his brother was hiding behind the curtain.
"He is being rather...peculiar at the moment. You don't think he knows do you?"
"No, there's no way. If he did, he wouldn't act the way he does."
"No he would be worse!"
"Are we completely sure it's true though?"
"Oh yes. Apparently one of the roommates told Darcy who told Jane who told me."
"And she had told the roommates?"
"It's all she can talk about apparently." Loki frowned, wondering who the mystery woman was. Maybe a friend of Jane's.
"I'm surprised by it honestly. I always hoped that there would be something but then... They drifted apart and now barely speak, and even Frigga says she has pulled away from her a little now."
"Sif is too good for him and he will never deserve her, but I suppose that doesn't matter when you love someone as much as she loves Loki."
Loki was unable to mask the gasp that escaped him. Thor grinned at his father and friends, knowing that his brother was listening. Sif loved him. Loved. HIM. No. The must be lying. But his father had no reason to lie...and Fandral, for all of his talk, and Volstagg were so protective of Sif that they wouldn't lie either, which must mean that... No. They were wrong. It was all wrong. She didn't. She couldn't. It wasn't possible. No. His brain started working at a hundred miles a minute, the conversation between the other men drowned out by the thudding of his own heart.
From: [email protected]
Subject: MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
We are GO.
Call you later babe. xx
3 weeks to Christmas
Loki hesitantly knocked on the door, still not entirely certain that he was doing the right thing...but he had to try. That's what he kept telling himself. He had barely slept in the days following what he had overheard in the study, the words playing over and over in his head. He had loved her, once upon a time, he had but then… Then. He didn’t know. He had pushed it away and ignored it, but now… It had all come flooding back to him and he had realised how much time had been spent arguing and fighting…and he regretted, deeply, every unkind word he’d said to her. And now… Well now he was going to try for friendship.
"I swear to fucking god Rogers if this is one of your running friends, I am going to burn your fucking shoes and make you sleep on the couch. It's a fucking Satur- Oh." The door swung open, startling both Loki and the half-naked man that answered, who eyed Loki suspiciously. "Yeah?"
"Morning. Sorry, is...Sif here?" Loki glanced at the man, taking in the hair that was slightly shorter than his own and the scarring on the left arm, frowning slightly. "I thought this was the-"
"SIF! DOOR! Please remind them it's a fucking Saturday," and with that he walked off back into the house, leaving Loki stood outside, staring after him in disbelief, a strange twinge of jealousy tugging in his chest.
"One of these days, Barnes, it's going to be your mother on the other side of that door and I can't wait to see how that wi- Oh it's you." Sif appeared, dark hair tumbling around her shoulders in loose curls, looking like a sort of halo. Loki stared for a moment. She was so beautiful, so beautiful it ached. She...she was staring at him like a crazy person. Right. Yes. Purpose.
"Morning. Sorry. I was just passing and I wondered if you wanted to go out. For a coffee. Or something. With me." He felt hot and flustered and like he didn't know how to string a sentence together and this was ridiculous.
"Oh. Um...I don't... I think we were going to go food shopping today," she replied weakly.
"No we weren't!" A voice called from back inside the house. Sif flushed at that. "Go out with your boy toy. Have fun. And bring me back some coffee and cakes!" Loki stared into the house behind Sif before glancing back to her.
"My treat?" He offered.
"Yeah ok. Let me just..." she waved her hand and turned to get her bag and coat.
They walked in silence for a few minutes, awkward but not entirely uncomfortable. It was like something had shifted between them. Instead of being stilted and cold, it was...nice. There were no loaded comments or barbed admonishments and no desire to make them, just politeness and shy tentative smiles.
"I'm sorry about Bucky-"
"There's a place around the corner-"
They both spoke at the same time, glancing at each other and smiling. Loki indicated for Sif to speak first.
"Sorry about Bucky, the guy that answered the door," she added at his quizzical look. "He's not really a before noon sort of person. You get used to it though."
"Is he a housemate?" Loki asked, remembering what his brother and friends had said.
"Yes and no. He's not officially on any of the paperwork but he as good as lives there. He's been with Steve for years now."
"Oh right," and Loki let out a breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding, relieved that there was nothing between Sif and either of her roommates.
"So how did you get my address?"
"I asked my mother. She was more than happy to oblige." Sif made a small hum of amusement and he smiled at the familiarity of it. "This café, it's just around the corner. I stumbled across it a while ago."
Sif nodded and they continued to walk, enjoying the cold crisp winter air and the gentle crunch underfoot of the frosted leaves. Winter had always been his favourite and she briefly wondered if it still was. They reached the café and Sif was surprised to note that it was one she had often passed and admired but never been in. They ordered (black coffee for him and hot chocolate for her) and took a table near the window, giving them a view out onto the street. The drinks arrived but the silence had settled into something almost entirely comfortable now, almost how it used to be.
"How's work? Thor mentioned you were still at the law firm," Sif said after a moment, ignoring the fluttering in her chest and stomach that she was here with Loki and it was...normal.
"Fine, thank you, and yes. It's fine for now, although I don’t know what I’d do if I left. And you're still teaching I take it?" She nodded and he couldn't help but notice the way she sat up straighter or the proud smile that crept across her face.
"So no desire to join the family business then?” She smiled as he shook his head. “As for teaching…I love it. I may not always love it but I love it now and I think that's the main thing."
They chatted about this and that, mutual friends from the past, Thor and Jane's wedding until before they knew it, it was a couple of hours later and the café was bustling with a lunchtime rush.
"I should go...marking and so on..." Sif smiled apologetically as she stood. "Thank you for the drink. This was... Thank you," and with that she turned to leave.
"Sif wait. I mean, it was...nice. We should...I mean, would you like to do it again sometime? Maybe in a few days?" He'd clearly taken her by surprise as well as himself, but it had gone well and they had been getting along, and he had even started to think about what he could get her for the Secret Santa present, and he just hoped with every fibre of his being that he hadn't somehow messed this up already.
"Yes, alright. Perhaps on Monday, at college? There's a coffee bar in the canteen. I finish at 5." She left before he could answer, knowing that if she looked back she might say something else, or she might try and talk herself out of it and she couldn't, shouldn't do that because she'd had fun and the last time she'd had fun with Loki had been that fateful summer and the images of that one night hit her in full technicolour as she walked home, causing her to stop and take several deep breaths. By the time she reached the house her head was still full of pale skin and dark hair and long lean limbs and her name murmured in her ear and it took her a strong coffee and almost an hour before she could focus on her work.
2 weeks to Christmas
"You did not! I don't believe it! I'll ask Thor you know!"
"Ask him and he will tell you the same thing."
"Honestly, I don't know why I'm so surprised. You never did know when to stop talking."
"It was almost worth it to see my father's face!" They both laughed then and Loki let himself get lost in the sound of Sif's laughter, so musical and familiar, and something he had not heard for far too long he realised with a jolt. But things...things were better, they had met for coffee and she hadn't turned him away when he'd turned up at five o’clock on Monday bearing coffee and a bag of sandwiches and fruit, remembering what she had said about barely having time to eat sometimes. He could feel it now, feel it in every cell, practically ached with it, with loving Sif. He loved her so much and he knew that his brother and friends had been right...he didn't deserve her. Sif was good. Sif was...she was the sun - bright and brilliant and wonderful and powerful and it was so simple now, he didn't know how not to love her, how he had gone for so long with never seeing her smile or being the cause of that magical laughter. He so desperately wanted to tell her, but he couldn't, not yet. But soon... He had an idea and he was hoping he could pull it off.
Sif was enjoying the tentative renewed friendship just as much. He hadn't mentioned the past, or rather their past, but she knew he would eventually and she only hoped that it wouldn't mess everything up. She ached for him, to wrap her arms around him and just be there with him. She woke up aching with longing, and it was like floodgates had been opened. Every feeling she had been denying to herself felt magnified. She loved him and wanted him, but if he only wanted to be friends then...then she would take it. But sometimes she caught him looking and she thought and remembered what she'd overheard in the changing rooms...but if that was as true as they'd said, wouldn't he have done something? The questions went round and round her brain until she decided to ignore them and just enjoy his company and plan his secret Santa present.
Everyone else could see the change in them, could see how they gravitated to each other without even thinking about it, even when they were talking to other people. The group nights out had become a lot more pleasant and Darcy was trying (and failing) to tone down her smugness, and both Loki and Sif found themselves wishing that the other person was their Secret Santa giver.
1 week to Christmas
"So I still need to get some presents, including my Secret Santa gift, would you like to come with me?" Loki tried to keep his tone neutral, not wanting to give anything away and really hoping that she would say yes.
"You're cutting it very fine Loki! Especially with the Secret Santa. I think Darcy wants us to exchange them at Thor and Jane's party on Christmas Eve, but yes, I will go with you."
"Good. And I know. I know exactly what I want to get. It'll be fine, don't you worry. I'll see you tomorrow."
They hung up and Loki smiled, feeling a warmth in his chest he hadn’t felt for so long. Not yet not yet not yet he told himself though. But soon.
The next day brought with it more swearing from the non-roommate, who was soon placated with a takeaway coffee and croissant, and who could be heard making fake kissing sounds and laughter as Sif closed the door behind her.
"I am sorry about them. They think they're funny," she said by way of an apology. "So, shopping? I warn you though Loki, if you drag me into fourteen different dress shops I am going to leave and take your car with me," she grinned mischievously and winked and Loki felt his heart lurch as he walked round to the driver's side. Sif felt entirely too warm. She wasn't used to this...flirting. It had been so long. Not so long that she'd need a manual thank you very much, and flirting was different anyway, but with Loki it just felt right, and she wanted more. She wanted the coy smiles and careful touches to lead to something else and she firmly ignored the part of her that reminded her that last time she had let that happen with Loki, she had ended up nursing a broken heart that had never quite recovered.
They made their way round the shops, fighting against the crowds that spilled out onto the streets and filled every nook of every shop. Sif had bought some more presents for Odin and Frigga and something for her housemates, and Loki had bought Thor a novelty tie and some books for Jane and they talked and laughed and flirted and it was like the last ten years hadn’t even happened, and yet it was so new as well.
It was when they stopped outside the jewellers that the day started to unravel. Loki moved to stand in front of it so they could catch their breath and check their lists and it was then that Sif spotted a ring in the window.
"Sif? Were you listening? I..." Loki trailed off as he saw what had caught Sif's attention: a beautiful white gold ring in a vintage 1920s style with square-cut diamonds. "That's just like the one you're mother had," he said without thinking.
She turned to him in surprise, "you remember that?"
"Of course. You always used to talk about it, and she'd let you borrow it for special occasions. What happened to it?"
"My aunt. She decided that she should have it, along with the rest of the jewellery, bar the watch that my father had given to her," she held up her arm and showed Loki the delicate silver watch that always adorned her wrist. "And that was only because it was engraved. But there was no will and I couldn't argue..." Sif straightened up, inhaled sharply and blinked back the tears that had filled her eyes.
"I'm sorry, I had no idea. Sif-"
"Please Loki, just leave it, just this once, please."
"But Sif-"
"No. I don't want to talk about it, ok?" She picked up her shopping then and started walking off, heading towards the carpark. Loki wanted to call after her but there were too many people and he didn't want to make a scene. He took one last look at the window in front of him before following after her.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to push," he started loading the bags into the car as Sif nodded. "I just don't think it's something you should keep bottled up, that's all."
"Loki, please just leave it alone."
"You never want to talk about the important things though do you? I keep asking and asking myself why things turned out the way they did because I never asked you and I don't have an explanation, you just pushed me away and that was that." His voice was louder now, years of pent-up frustration bursting out.
"I don't want to talk about this Loki, not here, not now, so why don't you leave it alone?"
"Because I want to know what happened that made you hate me so much!" The air around them froze, anticipation weighing heavily between them as they stared at each other, chests rising and falling rapidly, breath coming out in frozen puffs between them.
"BECAUSE OF SIGYN!" Sif roared back, the tears from before rolling down her cheeks in hot tracks. Loki's heart stopped and all of a sudden he was 18 and naïve and so in love with Sif it hurt and was glorious and wonderful and heady, and there had been soft sheets and long limbs and dark dark hair that had once been golden and then she'd had to leave unexpectedly and he...had felt unloved and unwanted and got drunk and...
“Oh. Sif, I-“
“Don’t. Please just take me home. I want to go home.” She quickly wiped her face and swallowed, and he nodded once.
He drove in silence, pulling to a stop outside her house and she distantly noticed that the other cars were missing which meant that they would be alone. He followed her in wordlessly, leaving the shopping bags in the hallway, finding her pacing in the lounge. He leaned against the doorframe and waited, hands tucked into his pockets.
"I got the call from my aunt and she came and picked me up while you were out and she wouldn't let me do anything, and she didn't want me to invite any of you to the funeral. Your parents came, but I don't think even my aunt could keep Frigga away. She um...she was pretty clear about what I should do with my life but my father had put my inheritance in trust and there was his will and I was almost 18 so Frigga said I could stay with all of you until university started."
Sif stopped and took a deep breath, wiping her eyes. She hated reliving it, hated remembering how pathetic and lost and sad she had felt, it was like being cut open and it made everything ache. "So then I came back to your house and you were out with Thor and the others and I waited for you to come home and you did but Sigyn was in tow which I didn't think anything of until you turned and kissed her and everything I thought I'd known, that I thought was safe and familiar after losing mum, was gone. I couldn't trust you. And it's so stupid but I loved you too much to even hate you then," her voice broke and she sat down, exhausted, holding her hands to her face, her breath hitching as she tried to calm herself. "And I know we weren't...we hadn't said...but it still hurt Loki. It still hurts."
Loki stood stricken. In his mind, Sif had withdrawn because of her mother, but that wouldn't have explained the anger and resentment, and suddenly every interaction from then until a few weeks ago made sense. He hadn’t even known that she knew about Sigyn. They had never been official or even open about their relationship and then she’d gone off to university and it hadn’t mattered and… He was a fool. A fool then and a bigger one now. He crossed the room and knelt down in front of her, gently pulling her hands away and taking them in his, thumbs stroking across the back of her knuckles distractedly.
"I am so, so sorry Sif. I was stupid and selfish and naïve and bitter and I thought you didn't want me anymore and I hated that your aunt had taken you away from me and I couldn’t tell anyone, and I...I shouldn't have done it. I know that. I should have fought and come to you anyway." Their eyes met and Loki pulled her into a hug, his heart breaking a little more with each sob that wracked through her as he whispered over and over how sorry he was.
Sif didn't know how much time had passed but her eyes hurt from crying and her back was stiff from leaning forward from the sofa into Loki's arms. She pulled back and stood to stretch, avoiding looking at Loki as he did the same.
"I'm going to go. Will I see you tomorrow?" He knew he sounded far too hopeful but he couldn't help it.
"No. I think...I think I need some space." He nodded once and she hoped that he understood.
"Perhaps I'll see you on Christmas Eve then," he said with a sad smile as he turned to leave. It was Sif's turn to nod then.
She closed the door before he had even reached his car, taking herself up to her room where she let herself fall apart once more.
The rest of the week passed ridiculously slowly. Loki hadn't realised how much of his time he had spent with Sif in the past few weeks until it was no longer there. He missed her with a ferocity he didn't know he possessed. He had composed dozens of emails and texts before deleting them, had spent hour after hour debating whether to call her or not but he knew she needed time and so that if that was all he could give then so be it. He tried not to think about what might happen beyond Christmas. He'd been so hopeful, so optimistic and then... He shook his head and went back to the case in front of him, reading over the same line again and again until it stuck, ignoring the pain in his chest.
Christmas Eve
"Merry Christmas!" Jane giggled as she opened the door, cheeks already a little flushed. "Drink is in the kitchen, presents in the dining room!" Loki smiled and bent to kiss her cheek, following her directions through the house. He almost bumped into Darcy as she flew out of the kitchen carrying a bowl of salad.
"The not-so Scrooge! Thor owes me some money!"
"Excuse me?" Darcy winked and nodded at his Christmas jumper (black with a snowman on it) before carrying on through the house. The dining room table was covered in presents, though he suspected that some were there so that it wouldn't be obvious who had brought what. He pulled out the neatly wrapped box from the carrier bag and put it on the side away from the door, almost going back and taking it away twice. He still didn't know if she would even be there. He hoped she would. Wanted, needed...her to be.
There was food, drink, games and everyone was having fun...apart from Loki. He sat in the armchair nursing his drink, vaguely watching Jane beat Thor at a card game...until something else caught his eye. Sif. She stood nervously in the hallway waiting to be noticed, her housemates standing just behind her carrying various boxes and bags.
"Where shall we stick these?" One of them called, immediately gaining Thor's attention, who stood and greeted them all warmly, hugging Sif before leading them all into the kitchen.
"Stop sulking," a voice was low in his ear and he turned, coming face to face with Frigga, kissing her warmly on the cheek.
"I'm not sulking, mother. I just don't know what to do, I don't know what she wants me to do."
"Well that's for her to decide. You just have to wait my darling."
"I messed it up though, back when her mother died."
"You were young and foolish and you have been trying recently. Neither your father nor your brother have seen you so happy as you have been in these last few weeks. Just...be patient." Frigga smiled and kissed the top of his head as she had done when he was little.
Loki didn't see Sif after she'd first arrived until Jane decided it was time to swap the presents. They all headed into the dining room and stood around the table, with Frigga and Odin and Sif's housemates watching from the sides, talking quietly amongst themselves and it occurred to him that perhaps this wasn’t the first time they had met. Jane and Darcy passed them out with childish glee and everyone looked trying to guess the writing on the gift-tags and laughing as the presents were opened, the floor a flurry of tissue paper and ribbons.
It became clear after several minutes that Loki was the only person left without a present. Jane looked horrified but he just nodded and smiled politely before picking up his wine glass and leaving the room, tears prickling in his eyes. Even now... He had tried, fuck knows he had tried so hard to be a good brother to Thor and to welcome Jane and Darcy and to be a good friend to Fandral, Volstagg and Hogun and it was like nothing had ever changed. He felt the strange clawing in his chest, the horrible twitch of jealousy and anger rising through him as he stormed out to the garden, not feeling the chill in the air.
He didn't know how long he'd been out there before he sensed someone else's presence, and he knew exactly who it was without turning, but he turned anyway because he had to. He couldn't not. She was illuminated by the lights from the house, her pale skin almost glowing, her hair in soft curls that flowed over her shoulders. She was so beautiful and good and brilliant...and he did not deserve her. He would never deserve her.
"I thought you'd be out here." She took a step towards him and it was then he noticed that there was something in her hands.
"Well I didn't really feel like having my utter humiliation drawn out in a room full of my nearest and dearest, much better to brood alone." He smiled wryly, but she could tell it was forced.
"I knew it was you, you know. As soon as I went into the dining room and I saw...I just knew, and it's ridiculous because I had hoped so desperately that it would be,” she smiled briefly, as if there was more to it but decided against saying it. Loki just stared as she moved slowly towards him, until she was just a whisper away. He could smell the intoxicating scent of her perfume and shampoo and see the few freckles that dotted her nose and the beautiful hazel of her eyes and see the perfect fullness of her lips...
"Sif-"
"Do you want to know how I knew? Because you used green and gold. For as long as I've known, you have always used green and gold to wrap your presents." He tore his eyes away then and looked down to what she was holding - a small, neatly wrapped box in silver and red paper. He looked into her eyes again and she passed the box to him, taking the glass and setting it down. Inside the small box was a vintage watch, much like the one of his grandfather's he had always admired...in fact...
"Oh Sif, how on earth..."
"I spoke to your mother. Here," she took his wrist and slid the watch on and it was then that he noticed the sparkling on her third finger...and he gently took her hands in his.
"The ring-"
"It's beautiful. Thank you. Although I think it falls out of Darcy's price limit."
"I don't care, you're worth it. You're worth more. So much more. God Sif I love you so much. And it's so...strange…"
"Only about as strange as me saying I am absolutely horribly in love with you Loki," they leaned in, letting their foreheads touch, arms slipping around waists and necks, hands clutching desperately at fabric. "Loki if this...if this is a question, then yes. All day every day forever yes. But if not then that’s fine too..."
"Only if that's what you want. If you want a question then it is. I love you so much and I'm so sorry and-" Sif pressed her lips to his, arching her body against his as she felt him respond, hands clutching at her hips as he tilted his head and parted his lips, running his tongue against her bottom lip, deepening the kiss. He let out a low groan from deep in his throat as Sif responded, opening her mouth to his, their tongues sliding together, the heat building between them. It was new and familiar at the same time and as Loki pulled away and nuzzled at Sif's neck she let out a breathy whimper that he decided he had to hear again and again... Sif tugged his hair and brought his mouth back to hers, meeting in a hungry desperate clash of teeth and tongues... Only to be interrupted by wolf-whistles coming from the house. They leapt apart and turned to see everyone cheering and smiling. Sif blushed and tucked her head against Loki's shoulder, feeling his smile against her hair as he waved them all back inside.
They stood like that for...who knows how long, wrapped in each other’s arms and exchanging soft gentle kisses. They were still out there as the snow started to fall, and as they looked up they could just see attached to the branch they were stood under, a sprig of mistletoe. They grinned, kissed again and headed back inside, fingers laced together around the ring.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]
Subject: I think it should be noted for the record just how brilliant I am. Also you're welcome.
It's ok, you can all admit it... I'm a genius because now we have two weddings to look forward to!
Hey do you think that you can do a Secret Santa for birthdays? Or wedding presents? (Just kidding, definitely going to be getting you a present J-Fos.) Maybe I could start a business... I-the-I needs more to do, bless him. He's so handy to have around.
Also Loki and Sif - please reply or answer your phones because you kind of disappeared after Boxing Day and people (NOT ME) are totally worried that you might be going to elope...
Please reply soon love your bestest matchmaker/guardian angel
D xx
Fin
Wham - Last Christmas (because I had to ;))