Work Text:
Excerpt from The London Observer
August 10, 1861
Ira Brakebill, assistant editor
It is time for this country to face and confront the physical and moral dangers posed by the velocipede. On August sixth, a woman dressed in scandalous clothing was reported to have driven her velocipede through St. James’s park at a speed that observers reported as “over thirty miles per hour.” While this seems unlikely, it is certain that the speed was excessive and beyond what the human body was designed to handle. In addition, velocipedes of this sort are called “boneshakers” for a reason, and it seems reasonable that the speed and the jolting could combine to create infertility or disorders of the brain. The woman who drove through St. James’s park may already be suffering from the latter, because she was heard to whoop, “Take that, bl--dy horses! Never again! Wahoo!” while a man pursued her shouting, "You'll break your neck and land in H--- and then where will we be?" After causing several innocent pedestrians to leap out of her way, the woman swerved abruptly to avoid a swan and was swiftly deposited in the pond, where the swan assaulted her with beak and wings. The man who pursued her was gracious enough to help her out of her predicament, throwing the swan some distance across the park in what onlookers described as a surprising display of strength for a gentleman.
This is just one scene from the moral dissolution that will sweep across this country if access to velocipedes is not strictly controlled. The mental and physical effects of the machines are still unknown, but promise to be nothing short of disastrous . . .