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Mistakes are forgiven
And everything is icy and blue
And you would be there too
Under the mistletoe
Watching the fire glow
And telling me: I love you.
Lena doesn't know where to spend Christmas. It's snowing and the cold is here, but it's not unforgiving. It's almost like the winter is respecting her loneliness. You're cold, but you can get yourself warm with a bottle of wine. You can manage it.
At her balcony, gazing at the currently white National City's skyline, Lena wonders where to go.
She spent several years of her life celebrating holidays alone — if she can call it "celebrating", to help her case — working through midnights, with only budgets and research data as a company. It's not something unprecedented. She can manage it. Still, after three years of not being allowed to spend a single holiday alone, being engulfed and dragged all-around a group of friends and feeling like she belonged for so long left her a little bit rusty. Lena doesn't know to deal with her office's cold marble. She doesn't know how to deal with the silence. She doesn't know how to deal with her icy fingertips anymore.
Lena tried her options.
She gave Sam a call, but the woman was traveling abroad with Ruby — a mother and daughter trip, one Sam promised the girl a long time ago and never fulfilled.
"I'm so sorry, love." Sam says, her voice sounding genuinely sad. "I thought you and Kara were on good terms... I'd have never left you to spend Christmas eve alone if I knew you wouldn't have company. I'd have invited you to come with us. Ruby would be thrilled, you know? She's crazy about you!"
It made Lena smile, even though her chest was tight. The pictures Sam sent her of the two of them made the ice around her heart less sharp, but still, it wasn't enough. She got used to more than this.
And then, Andrea called her.
Which was a surprise, honestly.
"You should spend it with me." The woman said. "I know we aren't completely okay yet, but we'll always have my Titanic DVD." At the sound of Lena's chuckle, Andrea added: "And alcohol."
Even though Lena is aware she wasn't in the position of picking her company for Christmas, it doesn't felt right.
"I'm pushing it, am I?"
"No, not really..."
"Yeah, but we aren't comfortable enough for that. At least not yet." She says, and it is calm. Andrea is not hurt by the rejection. "And, you know, if I'm around... Kara won't show up, right?"
Lena gets a little bit out of breath, but it's not like she expected Andrea to play dumb. Andrea never plays dumb.
"You love her, that's pretty clear." She isn't asking. Lena isn't denying it. "You should let her love you too."
"No," Lena tries to reply fast, but it comes out choked. "She's not– it isn't..."
"I'm stating something obvious. You don't need to have an aneurysm over that."
Andrea doesn't understand. The fact no one ever stated anything about Kara and her ever was one of the main reasons this train was still going. Functional. It's been years and they never acknowledged any of it; the flush, the jealousy, the undying devotion.
Maybe they got addicted to the yearning. It became their comfort zone. Any step out of it was way too scary.
"She loves you too. Do you think there is anything else under this sky that really matters?"
Since she stopped Andrea from killing Supergirl, they've got closer, that was a fact. Lena ended up being responsible for ensuring Andrea is not a risk. It wasn't easy. Lena had to convince them that this version of Andrea was more innocent than the previous one - even if just as unstable.
This Andrea wasn't aware of what she did to deserve this kind of help from a friend she betrayed so profoundly — but she wasn't going to waste her chance. She started initiating every conversation with Lena and focused on helping her more than anything else - with heartfelt dedication. Lena was still a little bit confused, lost between the two versions of Andrea, but decided to stick with her original decision to forgive her anyway. She would make sense of this later. Right now, she was appreciating the fact Andrea wouldn't leave her alone.
Being alone with them was suffocating. Almost unbearable.
Lena noticed every single glance Alex would throw in her direction. She could sense J'onn J'onzz analyzing her every word and action, and Lena could tell the man would give everything to have the courage to betray his morals and read her mind already. She almost wished he would do it. So all this tension could be over — and then he could explain to her a few things that were running through her head. Nia and Kelly were the most sympathetic, friendly ones. But they were still distant, cautious. It's the price she has to pay. Lena let go of her common sense and walked into an obscure path, blinded by her anguish, which led her away from the friendships she built. It was her fault.
But again, she doesn't deserve this kind of torture, no. Looking at the rest of the group from outside, alone, as this side-kick scientist who's there to deliver redemption. And Andrea helped with that – being a broken toy like her, she would stand by Lena's side every time. Wouldn't leave her lingering in the background and Lena was thankful for that.
And there is Kara.
She could feel Kara's eyes following her everywhere. Sometimes they would leave her, but only to shot a glare in Andrea's direction. Every time Kara talked to her, it was softer than the rest of the team. Almost apologetic, as if she knew they weren't being easy on her. As if she was afraid Lena would disappear again.
Lena wouldn't. She isn't planning on that.
She will defeat Lex. She will defeat Lillian. And whoever is left of Leviathan that's following Lex's trails. She pledged to help Supergirl even after that. Because even if she isn't so sure the team will ever consider her a friend again – Lena knows she's essential. Without her, Supergirl would've died more than once.
Their interactions have been awkward like they're both improvising. Sometimes Kara would start conversations when she knew Lena and her were alone in the communication line. And Lena wasn't used to the feeling of Kara's voice in her ears so often. Kara would linger by her whenever Andrea wasn't close. Would smile at her and Lena could feel the restless energy in both of their hands, dying to touch each other.
The longing has been a little too much, lately.
Two weeks of hunting down Lex together and finding nothing but radio silence left Kara very frustrated. She got more affected than Lena herself.
I'm doing this for you. I want to catch Lex for you.
Lena closes her eyes, taking a breath.
Maybe the reason is that they were hoping to have peace through the holidays. No one wants to celebrate Christmas with the probability of being attacked. Or having to fly away from the turkey and wine to fight a megalomaniac. That's why Lena ended up deciding she wasn't going to be the unwanted guest in Kara's dinner. She couldn't imagine anything more painful to watch them all together. Happy, bright and then stay three feet away because she isn't part of the group hug. Or because no one wants to listen to what she has to say during the toast. She even pictures Alex looking over her shoulder, suspicious. The memory of them, drunkenly laughing at Kara's rooftop sharing a bottle of wine feels way too distant. Unreal. Something that belonged to another world.
The one they left behind.
But she won't stay inside. She refuses. So Lena grabs the nearest coat and leaves her building.
It's not like she didn't think the pros and cons through. Lena knows she needs to be careful - Lex could be anywhere, spying around, waiting for a chance. But right now, she doesn't care. Anything is better than the deafening silence of her apartment.
She walks aimlessly for a while. There's a considerable amount of people in the streets. And she feels safe enough to keep walking until she gets to the City Hall Square. There's a lot of families around, singing and playing in the snow - probably waiting for the lights show happening at midnight. Some of them recognize her - and that's something she's not used to: they love her. They do. In a world where until recently the Luthors were considered heroes, she is now the innocent younger sister of an ambitious prick. The public isn't sure of what's happening behind LuthorCorp, but they know Lena Luthor and Supergirl were fighting side by side to catch him. She doesn't lack credibility like before. She's good and she's adored.
So they compliment her, wish her happy holidays. Touch her shoulders and shake her hands, waves their hands when she passes through them. She experienced a little of it before the crisis, but it never sounded so genuine as this.
And so what if Lena needs a little bit of reassurance? It is better than to spend Christmas feeling sorry for herself. Well, at least she can feel sorry for herself in the light, in the company of friendly strangers. She needs to get something out of this new earth.
"We're rooting for you, you know? Soon LuthorCorp will be yours!" A middle-aged man says after buying her a hot chocolate. And maybe that's enough for Christmas, a free sweet beverage and support.
But as midnight gets closer, there's an emptiness she can't pretend isn't there.
Last Christmas she was on Kara's balcony. Kara's arm resting on her shoulder. She was throwing her head back in laughter at Brainty's antics. And when she opened up her eyes Kara was smiling at her, holding her and whispering good omens.
The love of a crowd of strangers couldn't compare, no.
Lena's heart twitches at the memory and she feels like crying. She can manage it. Just a few more minutes until midnight, and she can go home and be sad in private.
"What are you doing here?"
Her heart now not only twitches but runs and beats. Tries to run away. She smells Kara's characteristic fragrance mixing with the hot cocoa in her hands and she doesn't know what to do. Lena turns around, finding Kara standing behind her looking desolated.
She's wearing a dark blue coat over a white sweater and black jeans. She looks gorgeous. Beautiful. And Lena so can't deal with this right now.
"What are you doing here?" Lena throws it back. She's sure Eliza is in town to spend Christmas with her daughter. She knows everyone is at Kara's apartment right now having supper. Lena has social media, for god's sake.
"How can you ask me that?" Kara says, her voice breaking. "I've been looking for you for one hour now!"
Something ricochets in Lena's chest, she looks around-
"Is there something happening? Are you okay?" She tries to rationalize whatever situation this is. Did Lex have the guts to make a move?
Kara just stares at her, pained. And then looks up to the sky, as if asking for help.
"I'm so angry at you right now." Kara says, sighing. She runs a hand through her hair without taking her eyes off Lena. The square begins to be illuminated by bright, brilliant colors
She stays in silence because nothing is making sense and Kara is already pissed off at her. Kara seems to give up, her shoulders withering.
"Why didn't you show up for Christmas?"
"You mean, at your apartment?"
"Yes!
Kara gets closer as everyone starts gathering to watch the show of light and Lena is the one pissed off now.
"You can't be serious." Lena steps closer too. "Did you really expect me to go spend Christmas with all your friends that despise me? That would be silently hating the fact I was there?"
"Lena-"
"No, Kara, I don't think you understand how much it hurts-"
"Please, listen!" Kara grabs her by the shoulders, her eyes pleading for Lena to relent. "I know they've been unfair to you, as I was being too. They know that."
"I know what I did and I know what it cost me."
"That's the thing, Lena! It didn't cost you anything! It doesn't need to cost you anything. We just need to work through that."
"No one wants to work through trauma and broken friendships on Christmas eve, Kara."
"Except they do." Kara didn't let go of her shoulders and now her hands drift towards Lena's hands. She pretends not to feel the chill down her spine as Kara's blue eyes fall down to her mouth, her neck.
Lena licks her lips, feeling her mouth dry.
"They were all waiting for you." She explains, her voice low. "Alex, above all." Kara's hold in her hand tightens. "She's trying, you know?"
"Yeah." Lena doesn't know what to say, overwhelmed by the information. She looks down, trying to control the tears threatening to come out. She knew Kara was dedicated to keeping them afloat, but she was mourning everything else.
"I was waiting for you."
Lena's eyes slap back into Kara's and she is never ready for the intensity she finds there. Kara let go of one of her hands to grab a package inside her coat.
"Here." She hands Lena the package. "I made it for you."
Unwillingly, Lena let go of Kara's hand to open it. She takes a deep breath, realizing she was running out of air. Kara takes Lena’s empty cup out of her hands and throws it away in a trash can as Lena rips the paper apart.
"I didn't get you anything, I-" Kara puts a hand on her shoulder to stop her.
"I don't care, Lena." And it's so earnest she shuts up.
It's a sweater. An ugly Christmas sweater.
"Once you told me that when you were young, you would watch families in Christmas movies wearing these tacky ugly sweaters." Kara explains, even though Lena already understands it all. Is already crying because of it. "And you would dream to get one of these because Christmas for Luthors were so impersonal, so cold... and maybe wearing ugly matching sweaters would give you a sense of family they never gave you."
Lena is fully crying right now. Kara puts her hands in her waist and pulls her in, hugging her tight.
"You still belong, Lena. Don't push us- don't push me away."
Lena doesn't care if they have to work through a lot of things yet. She buries her face in Kara's neck and grabs her shoulders, pressuring them together.
"I just want you back." Kara whispers and Lena almost dies. She keeps tucked away in Kara's neck as the woman speaks in her ear. "I was hurt you didn't show up. I left my friends there and went out looking for you. I tracked your heartbeat."
Lena knew that Kara had her heartbeat memorized. Kara never told her, not explicitly. She heard from Alex when she got injured and brought to DEO a while ago. The undertones of this way too romantic. It collided against their unspoken rule to keep everything at bay - to not acknowledge it, to be secretly in love with each other and leave it at that. Anything else would be too complicated. Too risky.
"I need you to meet me halfway." Kara is asking her to stop fighting it. To stop pretending. "I love you, Lena."
She closes her eyes. People start to sing and celebrate, and she knows is Christmas. The sky and the square are taken by lights and happiness.
"We have so much to get through, darling." Lena answers.
And then, more unsure and afraid, Kara asks,
"Did I ruin everything by saying it out loud?"
Lena realizes she can't expect Kara to always be the strong, brave one. She wronged her too, hurt her too. And they're both trying, achingly trying. It's not always going to be perfect. They'll hurt each other again in this process. Lena was wandering through the streets feeling sorry for herself when Kara was out there. Running to her.
Lena needs to meet Kara halfway.
They can fix it. And maybe then can fix it by kissing it better.
"Ms. Luthor?" An excited voice makes them loosen the hug. It's a teenage girl, red flushed and dressed like an elf. Lena smiles at her, Kara is staring at her too, but her hands don't leave Lena's waist. "Sorry to interrupt, but I'm a big fan!"
"Thank you, Merry Christ-"
"I just wanted to point this out." She gestures to something above Lena's head. "I'm sorry if I'm being awkward, but it's the rule, right? Merry Christmas!" She leaves as she waves to Kara and her.
Lena smiles to herself, still surprised at receiving affection so freely. When she turns back to Kara, Lena catches her looking up and follows her gaze.
It's mistletoe. Mockingly hanging above their heads from the tree nearby.
She looks at Kara, and Kara is already looking at her
And she doesn't think it. She meets Kara halfway.
Her hands leave Kara's shoulders and grab her face, pulling her in. Their mouths collide and Kara makes a sound like she's savoring the most delicious thing in the world. And this kiss is everything. Has everything.
Kara's tongue is warm and her hands are unrelenting in Lena's waist, holding her close than ever. Lena doesn't feel the cold and doesn't let go of Kara's face. There are teeth, on purpose, because it still hurts between them - and they want it to hurt - so they can know where the pain is. So they can end it.
The kiss ends and they're both breathless. Kara's face is flushed and her mouth swollen.
"I love you. I have loved you." Lena whispers. "We need to learn how to deal with that." And Kara smiles and kisses her again, and again until the square begins to get empty as everyone leaves.
"How do we begin?" Kara doesn't stop smiling and she's shining. Lena feels like she might start shining too.
"Take me home."
Kara Danvers made a lot of mistakes while trying to be just Kara Danvers.
She wanted Lena Luthor's love and devotion all to herself. She didn't want to share it with Supergirl. It doesn't make a lot of sense, she knows. She acted cowardly for most of it, too afraid to lose Lena. Too blind, too unaware of her own feelings to act on it quicker. Until she realized she has been losing Lena, little by little, over the years. She let James date her, even though she had the underlying suspicion he knew about how she felt for Lena. But it happened, and she had to play along. It was hell. She was hurt and irrational, and then Lena and Supergirl's friendship blew up and Kara was left without a way out. Everything piled up and in the end, the amount was nothing. Lena was way too broken, Kara way too lost to make up for it smartly and they kept hurting each other, drifting further apart.
It seemed impossible, but they found their way back to each other. Kara was mad, thinking Lena would never fight for them in the same way - but she came through. Even if a little closed off, a little distant. Kara wouldn't let her get away again. Lena could get mad at her, they could fight and argue - but they would find their way through this together. Kara didn't visit countless realities to know they are destined to stand side by side to let Lena get off this one easily. She knows they love each other. Nope. Enough.
Kara made a long-term plan for them.
That's why it was such a sweet, welcome surprise that she's waking up naked in Lena Luthor's bed this Christmas.
Not that the long-term plan isn't happening anymore. They need to talk about things, over and over. There's a lot of emotional labor awaiting them.
But now, Kara thinks as she smiles to herself, they can talk things over and over but kiss each other while at it.
She spots Lena on the balcony as she stretches. Picks up her white sweater and dresses it, walking towards the brunette in the glowing sun.
Lena is wearing the ugly sweater. A wine-colored monstrosity, with an embroidered teddy bear hugging Santa Claus and snowflakes around them.
She made it for Lena last Christmas but never had the chance to give her. She decided she isn't trying embroidery ever again.
But staring at Lena, standing in the sun, with a mug of coffee in her hands and wearing only the ugly sweater, Kara thinks it was worth it.
All was worth it.
"This is your best outfit." She says, as she hugs Lena from behind. Kara smiles when Lena laughs. Tucks her nose in her neck, losing herself in Lena's smell.
"Yeah?" Lena melts.
"Hm-mm."
Kara steals sips from Lena's mug and then they exchange coffee-flavored kisses under the sun.
At some point, Lena puts her hand in Kara's chest pushing her enough to look at her eyes.
"You don't regret not spending Christmas with your friends, don't you?"
Lena's hand stills above her heartbeat.
"No, I don't." And it was true. She knows they understand. "They encouraged me to go after you."
Lena's eyes soften.
"It's true." She continues. "Eliza sent me out, saying she didn't travel to watch me look like a kicked puppy."
"I'm sorry." Lena says in a beat, her expression pained. "I was- I was being foolish. I was running away, again. I won't do it anymore."
"No, baby, I get it now." She hears Lena's heart beat faster at the pet name. "I understand why you would feel overwhelmed by everyone else." Kara puts her hand above Lena's on her chest. Her free hands tucks away a strand of Lena’s hair behind her ear, out of her gorgeous face. "Trust me I won't let that happen anymore. See? Look at us, making commitments.”
Lena smiles and she's so beautiful, Kara doesn't know how she went for so long without allowing herself to kiss this girl.
And that is exactly what she does.
"It finally feels like Christmas morning." Kara sighs happily on Lena's lips.
Lena laughs in the middle of the kiss.
"It's because it is Christmas morning, darling."
"It is." Kara says, kissing her again. "But only because you're here."