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Finding something worth it to keep and treasure until the end. For others, it may be easy, but for Sana, it’s literally not. She feels like she is still not successful after closing many deals in her business and getting a lot of clients that gives her hundred thousand bucks. She feels like there is still something she needs to achieve even though she is already at the peak of her career. She feels like there is still something missing in her life that makes her unease and empty.
She has that idea for a while now, after giving her withdrawal from her business partners as she wants to explore other paths for her career. She thinks that almost 10 years of being in the industry, excluding her trainings and studies, were already enough as a contribution in the business.
However, even if she made that decision so fast, she does not have any plans after that, she does not know where to go, what to do next, now that she finally has the freedom to be by herself and achieve other things she might want to pursue.
She already have the money, have her needs and wants physically, she thinks she doesn’t need to have a partner (because according to her it’s just a headache and a distraction), she basically has almost everything…almost. She wants to figure out that one thing that lacks in her life that her system keeps on insisting that she needs.
She is excited to explore, to discover things around her until she finally finds that one thing she has been meaning to do or to have that will make her whole being complete.
Sana just browses onto her phone, doesn’t care about the mess she made in her bedroom because she got all of her things from her office out and put it there all at once. She tries to find something that maybe she wants to buy or something that will satisfy her once she bought it. There are furniture and appliances, gadgets, foods that she doesn’t take interest in because she literally has everything of it. She browses more until she saw some advertisements of house and lots that is for sale and ready to be occupied. It made her heart beat so fast than usual and her mind immediately gave her an idea of what’s missing.
Maybe she just wants to invest on something she wants to have and take care for the rest of her life, and a house is a great investment for herself, and maybe for her future family (if she will have a change of mind of not needing a partner). She had a realization that having a house, and not just an apartment, feels like completing her duty as an adult because she can now have a stable foundation to build and she can feel the upcoming responsibility in her life.
She thinks she will be contented in life when she buys a house, it feels like it will be her pride, one that will show that she is successful being an independent woman in her mid-20s. That idea removed a sting from her heart because she ponders that it may really be the thing that has been bothering her for a while.
That night, she slept peacefully, not minding all the office things scattered on her bed. She finally had a good night’s sleep.
Sana entered the elegant, huge ancestral wooden house and was astonished by its appearance inside and out because of how beautiful it is, feels like it really is taken care very well by the caretaker. She feels like a princess entering that enormous palace because there’s no one there except her and the real estate agent.
When she finally finished her business with the agent and he already left her there all alone, that’s when Sana took a deep breath, exhaled, and smiled to herself. She is hoping for better days to come.
She arrived there at 9 in the morning, not minding to eat breakfast at her favorite (not anymore) breakfast café near her old apartment, and instead, just made herself busy, made the excitement dominate her whole system and just decided to explore her new place—something she is looking forward to call her own pride, her own home.
It’s literally huge for her, considering the fact that she is the only one who will live there from now on. However, she likes how spacious it is because she thinks she can do everything there and does not need to go to the city just so she can provide her own wants and needs. Besides, she also has a lot of belongings both from her old apartment and from her parents’ house that she is glad to have it back because she wants all of it placed only in one place.
She walked around the whole house for almost half of the day and ideas came quickly into her mind but remembers that she needs to arrange at least one fourths of her clothes so she can sleep comfortably at night, hence, she walked directly at the largest bedroom in the house and was astonished because it’s just so aesthetically pleasing and it is definitely the room she wants to have in her whole life.
There’s already an enormous bed provided and a soft and fluffy mattress comes with it, the design of the headboard is already good for her liking and the direction of the sun that goes through the big window is definitely the highlight for her. There’s also a walk-in closet available and lots of cabinets she can use to store her things. She loves everything about the room, the whole house and she thinks that she really had a good choice of choosing that particular house and having a decision of buying one.
The whole day went so fast and she was obviously tired of transferring her things, so on her first night at her new home, she decided to just sleep and not bother about eating dinner or continuing the arrangement of her belongings. It was certainly a relieving night.
The next day, her first official day on her new home, she woke up early to cook herself some homey breakfast she surely misses for a while now. There’s kimchi fried rice, potato pancakes, and her all-time favorite ramyeon. She enjoyed it by herself while having a pen and paper by her side to think of the things she need and want to do, not just for the day, but for the next coming weeks and months.
She wants to figure out what she really wants to do after she cut all her connections from everything and everyone and just live all by herself, maybe come back to the city when she finally find her purpose to serve again.
After she ate her breakfast, she walks around her home again and started listing the things she want to do.
She went to the living room first as it is connected to the dining room. It is spacious, the second biggest place in the whole area. It does not have much furniture, so she plans on putting something like a couch, a big clock, tables, and flower vases. She also plans on buying curtains that will match the mood of the living room. She already like the chandelier displayed so elegantly at the center of the place, an eye-catching piece, so she doesn’t bother to change it or buy another one.
She went to the garden next and saw that there’s not much plants and flowers growing there so she decided to make the whole place grow and make it more attractive. She likes gardening, hence, it gives her excitement that she will allocate a lot of time in her favorite place next to her bedroom. She wants it to be her safe space, one that she can relax the most, and maybe just breathe, even if the she is the only one living in that house. She wants the garden to be a place where she can arrange and clear her thoughts, one that will make her calm when in times like she will have panic and anxiety attacks, she can help herself. She just also wanted to be surrounded by plants and flowers because it’s just so relaxing for her.
Then she went to every room available in the whole house. There is a total of 5 rooms in that place, including her bedroom which is the master bedroom, a guest room (as it is stated on the door), two regular-sized rooms that doesn’t have anything, and a mysterious room beside hers that she doesn’t know why it was locked. She went to the vacant room and planned on doing something that is connected to her personal favorite and her former career path. She just realized that she can’t just remove business from her system so she decided to still go with it. She wants to build a business that is connected to scent, something like perfume or scented candle business. She plans on making that room where she will experiment and try different scents until she will come up with many samples and eventually a product.
There are many things she is looking forward to—not just the fact that she can finally feel the adrenaline rush in her blood with her plans, but also because she can finally respire, finally free from everything and just do whatever she wants. She hopes for success and genuine happiness.
In the next coming days and weeks, she just continued with her plans, already bought everything she needs for her garden and for her business, and keeps on trying her best until she discover something that satisfies her whole being.
She does not feel lonely, she does not feel alone. She likes being accompanied by herself in that span of time and likes being just there as if sailing to anywhere without a map.
She cooks for herself, does chores that she is willing to do instead of hiring someone, sometimes does things she does when she’s bored a long time ago like movie marathon and knitting. She also tried getting an online job that she does every Thursdays and Sundays just so she can save an emergency budget or have an extra money to give to someone who needs it in the future.
She slowly becomes contented with her life in that house far from the city and the chaos. She doesn’t have any plans on running away, just a thought of clearing her head out, finding her real purpose in this world, and what she really wants to do for the rest of her life. She gradually becomes satisfied because she thinks she is slowly achieving her goal and building herself whole, without any help from anyone.
Sana ponders that maybe being away from everything she is used to, is a good idea as it helps her emotionally and spiritually. She can contemplate over things she has done in the past and make herself a better version once she comes back.
However, things can get a bit tricky and life will not go as planned, so when the night comes and Sana decides to sleep after a day of just overthinking and regretting about things she have done lately, she will force herself to sleep by crying and it will eventually make her travel to dreamland and just forget everything for a while.
One night when she does that, it doesn’t take her to dreamland, instead, she found herself actually unlocking the room beside hers as she hears tingling of piano keys and found someone playing the piano, illuminated by the moonlight.
It was rather serene than scary as the piano piece totally calmed her down from crying and thinking of negative thoughts. It almost immediately became a lullaby to her as it brought a comfort in her heart and in her soul. The perfect shimmer of the moon was added to the scene which certainly wiped Sana’s tears away.
The girl’s beauty outshines the moonlight. The way she presses the piano keys is just so perfect, just like the melody the instrument produces. Everything about her is perfect, even the wind agrees as it blows her silky hair so softly in the different direction while she plays her masterpiece. Everything about her is warm and oozy and soothing and magical and dazzling and wonderful that Sana is already out of adjective words to say to her because the person in front of her just defines perfection.
She doesn’t know if she’s still awake or actually dreaming (she cannot determine everything around her), feels like she’s in between, but she’s certain that the person playing the piano is a blessing in her life, someone that can be an anchor, a rock to her and might help her get rid of negativities in her life.
She’s just standing near the door of the room, watching the girl silently as she plays her piece so elegantly and calmly. When she finished, she gave her a slow clap and the girl smiled so sweetly and bowed to her. Sana doesn’t know if she’s still in her right mind or if she can still remember the fact that she’s actually alone in that house that connects to the question of how that person entered when the gates and doors are always locked, but all she knows is that she’s glad she have someone by her side now in that big house.
Instead of going back to sleep, she invited the girl, now she knows the name of, Kim Dahyun, in her garden and they just walk there under the moonlight, feeling the midnight breeze that gives shivers on both their skins.
Sana did not ask many questions, doesn’t even want to know where she came from, how she entered the place and such because all that’s important for her now is that she has someone to talk to, to share her feelings and emotions with.
It was a magical night walk in that magical garden of Sana. She likes the ambiance there, she likes that particular mood they set where it’s all just about peace and serenity.
Dahyun talks about the piece she played moments ago and Sana is just there to listen to anything the girl shares to her.
“That is called Clair de Lune by Claude Debussy. He was a French composer and was among the most influential composers of the late 19th and early 20th centuries. He’s an amazing composer. Do you want to know the meaning behind that masterpiece?”
The girl with twinkling eyes and a precious smile beside her just nodded, focused her attention to Dahyun that is unusually glowing for a normal person.
“It literally means moonlight in French and was originally called Promenade Sentimentale that means sentimental walk. It has a deep meaning, though, just like its melody. It speaks of melancholy and longing, particularly from a loved one. It gives a person the right to be emotional, to think about things in life and look back to everything that has happened to him or her. It’s also comforting and lovely to me, personally because it tells me something like… everything’s gonna be okay in no time, that it’s okay to not be okay sometimes. It gives such strong emotions within me”
“You’re so good in analyzing. Tell me more, Dahyunie”
The mood was comforting. Even though they literally just saw each other that very night, it feels like they have known one another for decades already. It seems like the piano piece just suddenly gave their hearts and souls a strong and deep connection.
“I like his piano pieces, actually, especially that one because it has a special place in my heart. Wanna know why?”
“Why?”
“It reminds me of my childhood and my parents. I used to play it with my Dad, for my Mom. I like playing the piano ever since I was little. They called me a piano prodigy and I lived for that title for how many years in my life. Sometimes, it’s fun and comforting, most of the times, it’s not. Day by day, it feels like playing the piano is a chore and not a personal interest. Do you feel me?”
Dahyun let out a bitter smile and Sana can truly relate from that because being in the business industry for how many years just because her parents are known business icons is tiring for her.
“But when my parents passed away and I realized that life is short so I need to treasure every moment, that’s when I value every moment with my own piano. That particular piano piece is the only thing that brings my memory back from childhood and my parents because everything else was all about regrets, pain, and bitterness.”
A relieving sigh was released from the both of them. The night deepens and that’s when they felt the comforting silence between them. It seems like they are just feeling the presence of one another, even though Sana cannot seem to determine if Dahyun is actually real or just out of her imagination.
“Thank you so much for sharing your story, Dahyunie. Thank you also for playing that masterpiece. You do not know how much it comforted me and made me calm down.”
“Thank you also for listening to it. I’m glad you liked it. I’m also grateful that you’re taking care of the house very well, it’s what we didn’t do way back then, so I want to thank you for making it lively and lovely, bringing back the homey feeling of it.”
It was a sentimental walk where they just talk about their feelings about life and their current emotions. That one hour of just roaming around the garden under the moonlight at midnight was definitely something else as it gave an alleviating feeling to the both of them.
Ever since Dahyun came into Sana’s life, the latter did not hesitate to show her true feelings and emotions anymore. She is not afraid of almost everything that keeps her scared in life, but it certainly became different when her anxiety attacks her, bringing back all the negativities in her life and destroying the walls around her in just a snap.
“You don’t have to hide your tears from me, Sana.”
Dahyun said so softly right after Sana turns her back to her to wipe her tears because she’s regretting something about her decisions in life again. In times like this, Dahyun cannot help but pity the girl and herself as well because she cannot do that much, she cannot help her, she cannot hug her, she cannot hold her hand and comfort her, that’s why she just tries her best to give her nice and motivating words and play the piano for her.
Sana will cry more when Dahyun does that, but instead of sadness, longing, and anger, it is because she is just grateful to have her by her side particularly in those times when she’s losing herself and doesn’t know what to do anymore. Dahyun doesn’t lack being an anchor, a shining light in her dark and lonely world.
“You are loved, Sana.”
It’s a daily reminder that Dahyun doesn’t forget to say to Sana when she wakes up, before she goes to sleep, and even in random times when she thinks the girl needed to hear that. It’s like her other way of saying that she is important, that she matters, that her feelings are valid, and it is definitely okay to look back at the things in the past because it makes a person stronger in the present and in the future.
Sana will always be grateful because she has Dahyun and the whole house that keeps her sane. Despite everything that happened in her life, good or not, she can declare that being there is still a blessing because it let her know more about herself, her whole being, her soul through herself and Dahyun’s perspective.
Dahyun always gives her that assuring smile that truly makes Sana’s heart melt because it truly gives her a guarantee that she will be okay in no time, that she will smile so bright again in the next few moments, and she will feel relieved because she is still surviving in this life and there’s someone who thinks that she is worthy and loved.
Whenever Dahyun notices that Sana is not in the mood, or in the verge of crying, or anything that alerts her that the girl is close to having panic and anxiety attacks, she immediately plays the piano for her as it is a way for the girl to clear her thoughts, to breathe, to calm down, to comfort her, and to eventually stop her from anything bad she is planning to do.
She plays Clair de Lune so emotionally to convey her message to the girl, to the point that it oftentimes makes her shed a tear after playing and Sana will be there to wipe her tears away with a warm smile, warm hand, and warm heart.
That piano piece became their personal favorite just like having sentimental walks at midnight under the moonlight. The past few months gave them the freedom to become close and know each other deeper.
There’s just something about Dahyun that always melts Sana’s heart, especially when she’s smiling and playing their favorite. It feels like she is sent by the Gods to look after her and make her life more meaningful than before. It feels like having Dahyun in her life means giving her a purpose to breathe and motivation to achieve her goals, to come back to her senses and live her life to the fullest. Dahyun has that effect on her that only she can give and she is more than willing to always feel the Dahyun effect.
So many moments have happened in the past few months since Sana had seen Dahyun in her house yet that only made them closer by heart. It led them to having a special bond just for them and Sana thinks she’s slowly developing something inside that she doesn’t know yet. It’s like a flower she wants to take care of for the rest of her life until she see it bloom so beautifully.
When she finally noticed all of those things that is happening to her because of Dahyun, she started writing about it in her diary, including their first meeting and sentimental walk.
It does not just give any effect to Sana though, it also happens to Dahyun and she doesn’t know if it’s a good or a bad thing, but all she knows is that she’s glad that she’s making Sana happy.
The first time Dahyun tried to hug Sana because she cannot help but feel so genuinely happy just seeing her smile and giggly, she succeeded. She doesn’t even know that she’s capable of touching a person, let alone hugging her, but she’s truly glad to hug Sana like that, to have her so close that she can smell her favorite candy-like with flower scent.
It was Thursday at 5 in the afternoon and Sana just finished her online job so she’s arranging her stuff in her study room when Dahyun just gave her a cold, sudden hug that made the both of them surprised.
They froze for a moment before they both felt warm in each other’s arms and it immediately delivered a warm smile on their faces.
“It feels so safe to be this close to you, Dahyunie”
Sana’s heart is beating so fast while she says those words to the girl, looking deeply straight into her majestic eyes. It feels so surreal having that moment unfold in her very eyes. The feeling the hug brings to Sana is comforting just like the feeling she can feel whenever Dahyun plays Clair de Lune for her. It’s like Dahyun saying that she will protect her, that she will support her, that she will always be there to stay by her side.
“The moon is beautiful tonight, isn’t it, Dahyunie?"
It’s the first time that Sana mentioned that particular phrase to Dahyun but it’s already the latter’s favorite of all. There’s some assurance, sweet and soft feeling, and just so overwhelming and lovely because the moon is indeed beautiful and it feels so nice just to be there at Sana’s side while they are just staring at the glowing night sky above them, once again feeling the midnight breeze in the garden.
Sana will put her head on Dahyun’s shoulder, will hold her cold hand and intertwine it with hers, and that’s when she feels so contented the most—just being there, not minding everything negative that has happened in her life, instead, feeling so grateful and blessed because she has the girl beside her who keeps her steady.
Because of moments like that, Sana always feels magical around Dahyun and everything that is connected to her is already written in her diary.
One midnight when she cannot sleep in her own bedroom and the moonlight is peaking in her window, she grabbed her diary and wrote something she’s been meaning to write about Dahyun and for Dahyun. It’s simple and short but it definitely conveys her current feelings for the girl.
"Je t’aime plus chaque jour"
Sana suddenly woke up from a deep sleep and she immediately cried so hard that it makes her so hard to breathe, feels like her heart is feeling too much pain that it cannot be resolved by patting.
She looked around and saw that she’s back in her old room, in her own apartment. All her belongings are there, still scattered. Her whole bedroom is still a mess, including herself. Nothing changed but she feels like something is missing when she saw her moon lamp and her music box in her side table.
Her heart hurts so much, she is crying and releasing too much water from her body, but she didn’t know the main reason why she’s crying, why she’s hurting. All she knows is that her dream was too good to be true—the house, the piano, the moonlight, the girl.
The girl. She stopped breathing for a while to remember her face, her features, and anything that connects her to her, but everything is slowly fading away as she tries to catch her breath and that causes her to shed tears once again. Everything in her memory becomes blurry as her sight becomes blurry as well due to tears. She needs to find the girl, she needs to see her, she needs to meet her and be with her because she is the answered prayer, she is looking for in her entire life, she needs her because she needs to say that she loves her so much that it already hurts. Sana needs her.
She checked her phone and saw the current date and time, noticed that overnight only passed and not years. She checked her recent searches and found out that she’s actually finding a new home to transfer to. Still crying, she tries to contact a real estate agent to help her find a house to move to, as soon as possible.
The house ocular happened right after she composed herself, did some of her morning routine, took a bath, and prepared herself for a day full of just remembering the things that happened to her overnight. She needs to settle this all at once or else she cannot keep moving forward. She thinks it’s the thing she needs to do, so her mind, heart, and soul can finally rest in regrets and disappointments and just live in peace.
The agent drove her car for her as they went to a subdivision hundred kilometers away from her apartment. The whole journey was quiet right after the agent gave her a briefing of the whole subdivision and some houses she can buy.
When Sana was reminded of what happened to her and that girl, it gives a tug in her heart that results to her shedding a tear for the nth time that day. She doesn’t want to feel unprofessional in front of the agent because after all, she was a known businesswoman, hence, she tried so hard to hold her tears.
Once they finally arrived at the said subdivision, Sana keeps on rejecting the proposed houses the agent is offering her. She’s looking for a specific elegant, huge, ancestral wooden house as she describes it to her agent.
“How about this, Ma’am?”
Sana’s heart beat so fast and her tears automatically fell from her eyes. They both dropped out of the car and Sana feels like she’s back in her dream from the way she sees the house in her current position. She feels like being pulled back into the dream because the house in front of them was too familiar, like she went there before, like she live there before with someone…and they were so happy and contented with each other living there.
They went inside and walk around the whole house. It feels so nostalgic and Sana’s head and heart doesn’t stop aching when they arrived there. The agent showed her the whole house features including a garden, 1 master bedroom, 1 guest room, 2 regular rooms, and that 1 special room that made her heart skipped a beat.
“May I know why is there a special room?”
“The owner said it’s a special room because it’s where she used to bond with her parents when she was young. She’s a pianist. Would you like to enter?”
The girl smiled at her and Sana just nodded. When the door was finally opened and she slowly entered the room, that’s when she got some flashbacks of her dream that’s so heartbreaking for her. She can see the piano, the window where the moonlight was peaking and isn’t it so weird that she feels like it’s midnight already and she can hear someone tingling the piano keys when it’s just the two of them and her agent is just beside her? It feels like a dream all over again and her heart doesn’t stop from aching.
“Are you okay, Miss?”
“Yes, Miss. Don’t worry. Hmm, what else does this house have? Because I think it’s familiar and I might buy this one.”
“Really? Then let me introduce you to the real owner who passed away 20 years ago.”
They went to the center of the hallway where an antique photo of a shining girl with pale, white skin, pointed nose, and sparkling eyes is displayed.
“Miss Minatozaki, this is Miss Kim Dahyun. Her parents gave her this house when they passed away when she was just 20. She lived here all alone and likes to play piano in her free time. She already decided to sell this house when she knows she’s suffering from a disease.”
As Sana keeps on staring at the photo of the girl in front of her, the more she sees her right into her soul, as if the girl also does the same to her.
It’s the girl in her certain dream. She’s the girl who comforted her and made her warm and calmed her down and made her feel so loved and appreciated even in just her dreams. It’s the girl she learned to love even if she’s just existing in her dreams. Sana confirmed at that literal moment, as she can hear Clair de Lune playing, she was in love with her dream and that made her shed a tear, not bothering if she’s not alone at the moment.
She’s an answered prayer, a blessing, a shining light that never existed in Sana’s life.
“Dahyun”