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“Are you going home for the holidays this year?” Marianne asked Sara when she had bumped into the latter in the office. “Yes, but I'll be back in Paris on the 27th,” was the response. “Can you make yourself available for dinner on the 29th? Héloïse and I will be back from visiting our families by then, and were planning to have a small Christmas party with a few close friends. We're also asking Sophie.”
Sara took her phone out, checking her calendar. “Done deal,” she said, keying it in. “Let me know if you're planning on bringing a plus one,” Marianne added, twinkle in her eye. Sara sighed, “I don't have a social life, Marianne.”
“Make time for it, you're a Manager now - you set the rules.”
“I also get the blame if things aren't done on time, but that's a different story altogether. Do you seriously think I could find a plus one to bring to a dinner with my closest friends within… a month?”
Marianne hummed in a way that told Sara she would not be getting a straight answer, “Stranger things have happened, but desperation isn't a good look either. You don't need a plus one, I was just giving you shit,” her tone matched the soft smile she was giving Sara. “I’m sure you’re speaking from experience,” Sara smirked back, which got her an indignant “Oi.” in response.
“Enjoy your career break - let’s catch up sometime in between. I’ve gotta run for a meeting.” Sara waved, Marianne stepping aside to let her pass.
*****
“Sophie’s bringing a plus one,” Héloïse said as they were doing the dishes together, the night before Héloïse was to travel to Milan and Marianne to Giverny. “Is she? Huh. I feel so out of touch now - I don’t remember her mentioning a boyfriend.” Marianne frowned. She had only been on career break for a week , but she hadn’t really seen Sophie very often in the past few months.
“Sara never said anything to you about it either?”
“No, but… you know, they have their own little secrets between them.”
“And maybe he’s from, like, the Tax team or something.”
Marianne laughed. It would be ironic, considering how often Sophie complained about the Tax teams she had to deal with on her engagements.
*****
“I told them,” Sophie said, flopping on the couch as Sara was casually scrolling through Netflix shows to pick something to watch. She turned to look at Sophie, confused, “Who and what did you tell?”
“Marianne and Héloïse. I told them I’m bringing Antony to the Christmas dinner.”
“Ah, right.”
Sara settled on some documentary about food. They both settled in the silence. “At least you don’t have to keep your gob zipped about Antony whenever you hang out with either of them,” Sophie chuckled. “It wasn’t for me to tell them about.” Sara shrugged, ignoring the twisting feeling in her gut.
“You would tell me if you didn’t like him, right?” Sophie asked earnestly, turning to face Sara. Sara blinked, stunned for a moment, trying to gather the right words to say. “He’s your boyfriend, Sophie. Not mine. As long as you like him, and don’t do anything stupid, my opinion doesn’t really matter.” “Your opinion matters to me ,” Sophie responded, a frown creasing the space between her eyebrows. “You know that, right?”
Sara gave her a reassuring smile, “Look, as long as you don’t go off and get yourself pregnant or something, you’re fine.” “Okay,” Sophie said brightly, turning her attention back to the TV.
*****
As it turned out, Héloïse was right. Antony did work in Tax, but at a different firm. “We met through Louis - they are friends from university,” Sophie explained.
“Sara doesn’t like me because I work in Tax,” Antony piped in, grinning, earning him a good-natured punch in the shoulder from the aforementioned person. “He steals all my jokes,” Sara said semi-seriously.
“I don’t think you’ve got a copyright on them, Sara,” Marianne piled on, making Sara groan.
“Alright, let’s lay off on the Roast of Sara now, shall we?” Héloïse stepped in, earning her a grateful look. “Otherwise there would definitely be way too much food on the table.”
Dinner was a very fun affair, Sophie and Sara catching Marianne up on the latest news from the office and their clients, Sophie managing to toss in a comment about how Héloïse was decidedly less interested in spending much time on the Seine-et-Marne audit now that Marianne was no longer on the job.
“We're going to call it a night,” Sophie suddenly announced as she looked at her watch to check the time. “Antony and I were planning to check out the Christmas lights together.” Antony nodded in agreement, smiling. “I’ll walk you out,” Marianne said, as Sophie took Antony’s hand and they all walked out together.
Héloïse glanced over at Sara, definitely looking more glum now that Sophie and Antony had left. When Marianne rejoined them at the couch, she took Héloïse’s arms and wrapped them around herself, settling in before asking Sara - “What’s with the glum look?”
Sara drew in a deep breath, clearly trying to figure out what to say. “How… did you do it?” she asked. Marianne raised a questioning eyebrow. Mind reader, she was not, as much as she wished she was. “Do what?”
“Woo Héloïse.”
Marianne nervously chuckled while Héloïse grinned. Sara’s jaw dropped, disbelief written all over her face. “You… didn’t do anything?! ” she asked incredulously.
“I didn’t not do anything!” Marianne retorted defensively.
“You’re hopeless.” Sara deadpanned. “How did you even manage . My God, what a lucky woman you are.” Her eyes shifted to Héloïse, trying to get a response from her instead. Héloïse laughed, looking over at Marianne, whose face was positively radioactive.
“She asked me out to a dinner date,” Héloïse stated matter-of-factly. Sara looked skeptical, which seemed like a reasonable response to Héloïse. “But not before an extremely awkward date at the Louvre first.” Héloïse was smirking.
“I did not know that that was a date !” Marianne cried out, straightening up from her previous sitting posture, indignant. Héloïse planted a kiss on her cheek as an apology for bringing the topic up. “And yet you were the one to bring up that one time you didn’t realize you were on a date with another woman,” Héloïse reminded Marianne, who buried her head in her hands. “It was because you mentioned your ex. I thought it would signal to you that I was also into women,” was Marianne’s muffled statement.
“Wow, Marianne, that might be a bigger disaster than I was expecting,” Sara commented, frowning.
“She got better,” Héloïse said reassuringly, squeezing Marianne around the shoulder. “We talked it out, and here we are!”
“That was… not helpful at all .” Sara groaned.
“What? The advise that you should just talk it out with this person in question?” Héloïse asked.
“Yes!” Sara threw her hands up in frustration. But she knew Héloïse was right, even if she didn’t want to admit it. As disastrous as Marianne was, she and Héloïse were always there for each other.
Héloïse gave her a knowing smile.
“Ugh, fine.” Sara grunted out.
“Sara - I don’t mean to pry, and if you don’t want to answer, that’s fine as well, but… who are we talking about here?” Marianne asked gently.
Sara was not ready for this. She had barely gotten the idea into her own head - now was too early to say anything out loud. She shook her head, and Marianne and Héloïse left it as is. They pivoted to other topics, catching up on other matters instead.
“Thanks for the dinner and the chat,” Sara said, once they realized how late it was. “I better head off now - leave the two of you to have some peace and quiet without me talking your ears off.”
Héloïse shrugged, “You’re more than welcome to talk our ears off any time.Or if you’re more comfortable talking just Marianne’s ear off, that’s fine too,” she added.
“For that, I just might end up trying to talk your ear off more often, Héloïse,” Sara pointed out. “Anyway. Thanks again. Lots to think about.”
Marianne let her out the main door, moving back to the living room, where Héloïse looked at her with a smirk on her face. “What?” Marianne asked. Héloïse’s smirk transformed into a bigger smile.
“You do realize she was talking about Sophie , right?”
“What? No.” Marianne responded, trying to think about the indicators that would have caused Héloïse to think that.
Héloïse laughed, “You really don’t think that’s the case?”
“Héloïse - Sophie brought her boyfriend to dinner tonight.”
“And Sara was oddly withdrawn all night, and something changed when Sophie and Antony excused themselves early.”
“I think she’s just getting used to going back to life without her best friend being available the entire time,” Marianne shrugged.
That drew another chuckle from Héloïse.
“Babe, it’s not mutually exclusive,” she said, leaning in to kiss away the pout that had formed on Marianne’s face. Héloïse moved to clear up the leftover crockery, Marianne helping.
*****
A few weeks later, Héloïse received a message from Sara, asking if she was keen to meet up for a coffee.
“Thanks for agreeing to meet up with me,” Sara said appreciatively, once they were settled in at a table. “I did offer for you to talk my ears off,” Héloïse replied, which drew a soft laugh from Sara. They sat in companionable silence until the barista brought their coffee orders, Sara finally saying something after taking a few sips from her coffee.
“I think I’m into Sophie.” she said, voice very soft. If Héloïse hadn’t already guessed it, she would have had to ask Sara to repeat herself. “What makes you say so?” Héloïse asked back. She held Sara’s gaze steadily, she could tell it was something Sara hadn’t thought of. “Look, I -” she paused, cleared her throat, trying to put a voice to her thoughts.
“Before Sophie, I was… a bit of a loner. Still am, if you haven’t already noticed. I don’t know why, but I always built walls around me, and I just… didn’t really know how to connect with people? But then, we met at our Master’s programme, and something changed. Maybe it was how disarming she could be, or just her general personality. Anyway, we’ve practically been inseparable since.”
“But how does that translate into you thinking you’re into Sophie?” Héloïse gently probed further.
“There was always… little things she would say or do… just for me. But I did not know if it was just a female friendship thing, or if it was a crush thing.” Sara elaborated. “But two things happened, and now I think I’ve reached the point where I can be comfortable saying I think what I feel for Sophie is more than platonic.”
Before Héloïse could ask what the two things were, Sara volunteered the information on her own volition. “When Antony was pursuing Sophie - I could tell she was falling for him. And I was - I am happy for her. And, naturally, we would drift apart as she got closer to him. But somehow that hurt, Héloïse. It was different from when, like, I moved away from home and didn’t get to see my childhood best friends as often.
“And I know - I know Sophie is an adult and she chose Antony and she’s happy with him. She asked me to keep an eye on her, that I stop her if she’s about to do something stupid. So I… agreed to do just that. It keeps playing in my head - when did I get so clingy ? Sophie doesn’t belong to me or anyone - it is not my place to be possessive.”
Héloïse nodded sagely, having nothing much to add as Sara had clearly thought about this for a while and just needed an outlet to externalize her thoughts.
“What was the other thing?” Héloïse asked.
“What other thing?”
“You said two things happened for you to reach the point where you were comfortable saying you have romantic feelings for Sophie.”
“Oh.”
Another pause. “Please don’t tell Marianne this, she is going to give me so much shit after all the ribbing I’ve given her about you,” Sara requested, wry smile on her face. “I don’t think she would, depending on the situation,” Héloïse responded, Sara nodding in agreement.
“So this was… way back, when we were in university together, but there was one time, Sophie was asking me if I was into guys… and then her line of questioning segued into her asking if I would date her.” Sara brought a hand up to her face, shaking her head. “I didn’t know if she was serious or if she was joking. I gave her a non-answer. I still, to this day, don’t know if she was serious or joking, but it’s been 7 years since she asked me that question and now feels a little too late to bring it up. Sometimes, I still wonder what if . I don’t even want to date another accountant!”
“Oh, Sara…” Héloïse sighed, reaching out to place a comforting hand on Sara’s shoulder.
*****
Telling Héloïse seemed to have helped, giving Sara the option of having someone to speak to about her housemate predicament. An unintended side effect, particularly now that they were back in the swing of busy season, was Sara barely hanging out with Sophie any more. The latter was starting to notice and mentioned it in passing to Marianne, who relayed the information to Héloïse.
You’re into guys, right?
Yes - why?
Why don’t you go to a bar somewhere to pick someone up, get over with.
I’m not sure if picking up a guy to try to get over a girl would work.
Then go to a lesbian bar and pick up a girl. I can be your wingman if you want.
The concept of Héloïse being her wingman mortified Sara as much as she felt it was a cool one. Especially considering their first encounter together.
Sara did listen to Héloïse, though. She went to a lesbian bar after work one day, all cool swagger from a day of being a boss at work, and it clearly worked because she had a woman approach her in no time. The person was very much unlike Sophie, practically 6 feet tall, German, and was a surgeon.
Christel was a very good kisser, and her hands were as skilled as her mouth was.
*****
Things seemed to somewhat revert to how they were before Antony came into the picture, Sara seemingly settling in her place in Sophie’s orbit. Another busy season came and went, with her and Christel agreeing that anything more serious than several casual encounters probably would not work out for them considering both their schedules.
One day, as they were walking home together after an end-of-month drinks event, Sara realized that Sophie had been quieter than usual. She tried to remember when the last time Antony had come over to theirs, or when Sophie had not come home. “Sophie, is everything okay?” she asked tentatively. “I don’t know,” came her small reply, though she gave Sara a reassuring smile. Sara did not press on, trusting that Sophie would tell her in time.
*****
“Antony applied for and got accepted to transfer to his firm’s Sydney office.” Sophie suddenly said as they were halfway through another episode of Chef’s Table. Sara paused the episode, turning her whole body to face Sophie, trying to read her expression.
“He doesn’t want to do long-distance.” she said. Sara’s heart sank - the thought of Sophie moving halfway around the world did not occur to her, and now that it was a possibility, it was somewhat terrifying. “But I don’t want to move to Australia,” Sophie continued, her eyes welled up, shining with tears that didn’t leave.
Sara wrapped her arms around Sophie, enveloping her in a hug.
“I really like him, Sara.”
“I know. He seemed good for you.”
She felt Sophie’s warm tears on her chest before hearing and feeling the sobs that racked her body. Her heart broke for Sophie.
When Sophie’s sobs slowed to tiny sniffles, Sara continued the episode, holding Sophie in her arms.
*****
Yet another fall gave way to winter, and Sara was faced with the reality that it was her last month at Audit Dubois Renard, having accepted an offer to be a consultant at an international relations think tank. Sophie was going to be one of only two remaining auditors from their batch.
“It’s going to be the end of an era,” Sophie said, as she sent out calendar invites to Sara’s farewell drinks. “We’re still housemates, Sophie. You’re not getting rid of me so easily,” Sara grinned. “Who would have thought that I would be the last one standing, between the both of us?” Sophie sighed wistfully.
“I did. I was meant to leave ages ago.” Sara said flatly, which drew a laugh from Sophie. “You finally get to escape audit,” she grinned.
“Damn right.”
Things had changed between the two of them in the months after Sophie broke up with Antony - they started to hang out together again, though this time Sophie, Sara vaguely noticed, seemed to be more physically affectionate than she previously was, taking Sara’s hand more often to drag her along to some sight or another, and freely offering more hugs. It felt… different… to Sara. She hoped her casual jokes to keep the mood light kept Sophie off her tail, until she could figure out a way to broach the topic of how she really felt for her.
*****
Sara had way too many drinks at her farewell, Eugenie insisting that the glass in her hand was always filled. However, she had not felt more sober than in that moment that she was in the Metro together with Sophie, the latter’s arm hooked around hers, gloved fingers intertwined, providing extra warmth on a particularly bitter winter night, and the memory of that evening’s laughter still on Sophie’s face.
“Do you remember…” Sara began, Sophie turning to look, her doe eyes causing Sara’s breath to get caught in her throat. Her mouth flapped a little, and she was painfully aware of how she probably looked like a fish out of water at the moment. “Do you remember when we were in uni and you asked me if I would date you?” the words gushed out before Sara could stop herself. Sophie pulled back a little, to regard Sara fully, though Sara noted that Sophie had not let go of her arm. “That time when you laughed awkwardly, went ‘ What?! ’ and scurried off?” Sophie asked back. Sara’s cheeks, which were already warm from the alcohol, were positively burning at this point.
“How drunk are you right now?” Sophie continued.
“Dead sober.” was Sara’s response.
“Why are you asking this?”
“I… I wanted to know if… you were serious about it, back then.” Sara swallowed thickly, eyes searching Sophie’s face for any hint of what the response could be.
Sophie looked away for a moment, quiet, contemplative. She brought her hand up - the one that was linked to Sara’s, looking at their intertwined fingers.
“Yes, yes I was.”
And at that moment, Sara did not know what to say, her heart, which was already pounding furiously, picked up speed.
“If I were to ask you the same question right now , what would your response be?” Sara slowly, deliberately asked, not wanting to swallow her words, be misinterpreted, or to give herself the opportunity to go off on a wild tangent.
They did not break eye contact, Sophie searched in Sara’s eyes for some sort of answer . Then, a smile broke out across her face, “I’d like us to try. I mean, it kind of feels like we already are - and goodness knows this was the answer I was waiting for years ago, but… yeah. My answer is yes .”
“We are different now than we were 8 years ago when we first met,” Sara pointed out.
“We most certainly are,” Sophie concurred. “And maybe that’s for the better.”
Sara gave Sophie’s hand a reassuring squeeze breathing out a sigh of relief.
They missed their stop and had to go back around, but Sara would not have had it any other way.