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Caleb dropped his keys in the bowl by the door. The bowl was ceramic, shaped like a wave splashing up from the center. It was one of the few physical traces of Ben left in the apartment, but he couldn’t bring himself to pack it away or throw it out. As messy as Caleb could admit it was, the apartment was also littered with memories that crowded around him worse than the pile of laundry on the other side of his bed. Ben’s cold toes pressed up under his shirt as they watched movies on the couch, Caleb rubbing his thumb along Ben’s ankle and paying far more attention to that than anything on screen. Smoke billowing out of the oven as they tried and failed to make anniversary soufflés. The night they got back from the baseball game that went twelve innings and Ben leaned over the counter to kiss him for the first time.
He untied his boots, his back grabbing on the way up. Silently cursing his boss for making him work in the pouring rain, he slipped off his jacket. The heating pad was still on the couch from last night, so he threw it in the microwave, letting his head rest against the handle until the beeping startled him.
He flopped on the couch and tried not to burn himself as he sent off his usual Chinese order on his phone. They were off for the rest of the year and while Caleb was relieved to have time to maybe, hopefully, this time get his apartment cleaned and in order, it was the worst time of year to be alone. Crawling under the threadbare blanket he’d had since college, Caleb flicked on the tv and scrolled through channels of local news, Spanish soap operas, and gushy Christmas movies.
***
It was Christmas eve and the tarmac sparkled with the rain. The airport was nearly deserted as Caleb pulled up to the drop off area.
He and Ben had bickered all week and while they still fell into bed together every night, it was a hell of a way to say goodbye. The engine hummed low and rickety under the sound of staticky Christmas music. Ben opened the passenger door.
“I’ll miss you, Benny,” he said, only instead of responding, Ben closed the door. Apparently that was all Caleb needed. He got up and stalked to the back of the car where Ben was unloading his bags. “No. You don’t get to walk away without saying anything. I’m not going to see you for you-won’t-tell-me-how-long, you don’t get to ignore me.”
Ben kept ignoring him.
“Jesus Christ, Ben, can you at least look at me?”
He put his last duffle on the ground with a sigh before making eye contact with Caleb for the first time since yesterday. “What? You’ve been nothing but an asshole about me leaving and it’s not even my fault.”
“I know it’s some big fancy government thing, but you’re leaving on Christmas and all I know is you’re going halfway around the world and maybe you’ll be back in a year. We’re supposed to be partners and you won’t tell me anything other than the goddamn country you’re going to. I worry, Ben!”
“I’m sorry,” he responded, slamming the trunk.
“Fuck you.” It came out quiet and hot and full of a simmering, bubbling rage Caleb didn’t even know he had. “For all I know you’re just off jet-setting with some model or something because sharing a little cramped apartment with me isn’t enough for someone with a cushy federal job for life.”
Another car pulled up behind them, the headlights a burning white through the darkness. They illuminated Ben’s face enough for Caleb to see how absolutely hurt he was.
“Do you really think that of me?” He stepped closer to be heard over giggling children and loving goodbyes from the other car. “You know what? Don’t even answer that. Thanks for the ride to the airport, don’t wait up for me.”
And with that he was gone, juggling luggage and disappearing through the automatic doors.
When the family behind him honked Caleb flipped them off until they drove around him. He stood and watched Ben walk away until his back fully disappeared from sight. He rushed back into the car, his chest heaving against the cold air. He sent off two texts before he started sobbing.
I’m sorry Tallboy
I love you
He sped all the way home, only making it across the soaking highway and into the parking garage by some miracle of God.
Ben had read the messages. Caleb didn’t sleep that night.
***
He texted to wish him a happy New Year. Caleb was frankly too much in the hellish state of being both drunk and hungover to check the time difference in Japan, but he figured it was the thought that counted. The read receipt three days later sobered him up as much as anything.
***
The only remotely interesting thing on tv was a Home Alone marathon, which Caleb figured was good enough to keep him company before he ultimately passed out after dinner. The overly chipper seasonal ads got to him quicker than he thought they would, so he scrolled through Instagram to distract himself. One of Abe’s posts caught his attention so much so that he sat up straight when he saw it. There were several people crammed around a table at a local pub, all smiling and a little blurry, squinting with the flash. And there, goofy like he always got when he was tipsy, was Ben. Caleb zoomed in and out a half-dozen times before he thought to check the timestamp. Yesterday.
A knock on the door almost made him drop his phone.
The usual woman delivered his food, though she eyed him suspiciously when he opened the door. She lingered after he paid her. “Did I not tip you? Holy shit, hold on.”
As he was digging into his pocket for his wallet again, she stopped him. “No, it’s just - are you okay?”
He nodded with a quiet laugh. “Yeah, I’m fine.” He reconsidered for a moment, gauging how much he could pour his heart out to the delivery person from the restaurant around the corner. “Do you ever fuck up, and then you have the opportunity to do something but you don’t know if you’ll make it worse or better?”
To her credit, she smiled without an ounce of judgement. “You never know until you try,” she suggested with a shrug.
Caleb nodded, giving her an awkward fist bump, thanking her for the food and advice, then turning into his apartment with his head still spinning. If Ben hadn’t told him that he was home, that was certainly a sign. But Caleb was tired of being alone. And he knew Ben probably wasn’t doing much more than he was. He missed Ben’s presence even more than he missed their relationship. Looking at the picture one more time, he put down the food and walked to the window, dialing Ben’s number before he could talk himself out of it.
He picked up on the third ring.
“Caleb?”
“Hey! Hey, Ben. I hope I’m not being too forward, I just heard you were back in town.”
He heard what sounded like Ben smacking himself on the forehead. “Yeah, Abe picked me up and immediately shepherded me to the bar so I didn’t have time to text you until I was wasted and that hardly felt like the time, ya know?”
Ben sounded normal. He seemed happy. Caleb hated to shatter that. “Oh yeah, don’t sweat it.” A deep breath. “This is weird, and I know that, and I’ll apologize up front, but I was wondering if you wanted to come over? I’m not insinuating anything, I’m just watching Home Alone by myself and it’s really fuckin’ pathetic but I figured you may want some company. Or some Chinese takeout and cheap beer? It’s a shit night to be alone, Benny.”
Ben sighed on the other end. “I’ll be right over.”
As the line beeped, Caleb felt the anxiety creeping up over his skull. The night was grey through the clouds and pouring rain, which seemed fitting but an awful way to spend the night before Christmas Eve.
He settled back onto the couch and tried to focus on the movie, sitting on his phone to keep from checking it every thirty seconds. Just as Catherine O’Hara was screaming on a plane about leaving her son at home, another knock sounded on the door, only adding to the ball of dread in Caleb’s stomach. He half-prayed that it would be anyone else in the world as he opened the door.
“You haven’t changed a bit,” Ben said with a shy smile.
“You certainly have,” Caleb exhaled. His hair was longer now, still streaked with the highlights it got from too much sun. He seemed relaxed and sure of himself, in his old Yale sweatshirt and even older jeans. Ben handed him a sweating carton of eggnog and peeked past him into the apartment. “Oh, right, come on in.”
Ben toed off his shoes like he had a thousand times before. “You kept it.”
Having already sprinted into the kitchen to pour the eggnog just so he wouldn’t have to stare at Ben any longer than necessary, Caleb had to look over his shoulder to see what ‘it’ was. Ben trailed a fingertip over the edges of the bowl on the counter. “Well, you made it.” If the blush visible across Ben’s nose in the low light was any indication, that was too much. “And I figured I should keep at least some part of this place in order.”
That made Ben laugh, which warmed a part of Caleb’s soul that hadn’t been used in months. He was suddenly struck with embarrassment over the state of the apartment: dirty dishes in the sink, overflowing hamper in the hallway, and overwhelming anxiety in his chest. Ben didn’t seem phased by it, but God only knew what kind of luxury hotels and first class restaurants Ben had gotten used to in Japan. The movie loudly returned from commercial break, diverting their awkward gazes to the tv. Ben plopped down on the couch and took in the spread of to-go boxes on the beat-up coffee table. Caleb tiptoed across the room, feeling altogether like he was the guest in the apartment and silently cursing himself for bringing what was sure to be an excruciating evening into being.
“There’s a couple things of fried rice, wonton soup, General Tso’s, and hopefully a veggie stir fry or something. Help yourself.” He sat down at the opposite end of the couch, careful not to accidentally get too close to Ben.
Ben shot him a look as if he wanted to say something but wasn’t sure if he should.
“It was supposed to last me all weekend, I promise,” he guessed, raising his hands in mock surrender.
With a laugh, Ben reached for the nearest box and tore into it with flimsy wooden chopsticks. “God, I’ve missed American Chinese food,” he practically sobbed around the bite in his mouth.
Caleb shook his head, a slow, sad smile spreading across his face. A year ago he would have been so good at this. He would have plucked a piece of broccoli out of Ben’s box and kissed the offended look off of his face. He would have elbowed him and asked for every detail of his trip in excruciating detail until the food got cold and his grumbling stomach interrupted. He would have wordlessly tucked himself into Ben’s side and enjoyed the movie, enjoying Ben’s inevitable furious scrolling of IMDB even more. But now he was hyper aware of his every movement, making particular care not to touch or linger or do anything that could be construed as an advance.
They were finally in the same room after a year and they might as well have still been in different time zones.
Most of the movie went by in silence, only accented by comments about the weather or Ben’s heaven-sent bathroom break that allowed Caleb the chance to breathe and think about what the hell he was doing for the first time since Ben knocked on the door. Ben’s return shocked him out of his anxious thoughts. “What’d I miss?”
Caleb did his best to look like he was relaxing and gestured vaguely at the screen. “Just the Hershey’s bell commercial.”
Ben nodded, picking up his cup of eggnog and getting back into the movie as the wet bandits started to fall into all of Kevin’s traps. Caleb was content to spend the rest of the night in uncomfortable silence. “I wanted you to come after me.”
“What?”
Ben was still staring at the tv. “At the airport. I wanted you to run in and follow me.” His piercing blue eyes were sad in the low light.
Caleb cleared his throat. “Would it have changed things?”
“I don’t know,” Ben conceded.
The moment almost passed. “I’m really sorry about that whole mess, Benny, I was a selfish asshole and I said a whole lot of shit I didn’t mean. All because I was mad you were leaving and I couldn’t take it out on anyone but you.” He laughed. “You know what I did instead of running after you?” Ben shook his head, turning to fully face Caleb from his end of the couch. “Remember that family behind us?”
Nodding slowly, a nervous smile twitched across Ben’s face.
“I flipped them off, and then cried all the way home.”
“Caleb,” Ben lamented, a string of pity winding through his voice.
He shrugged. “Made it, didn’t I?” The look on Ben’s face made it clear he had a lot he wanted to say. “How was Japan?” he interjected before Ben could speak.
Ben’s laugh was cold and incredulous, then he softened. “Japan was… great. Found out the hard way I hate foreign affairs, but it’ll look good on the resume and everything else was amazing.” Caleb lifted an unimpressed eyebrow. “I ate enough sushi to sink a boat, is that what you wanted to hear?”
Smiling, Caleb considered Ben’s joking question as if it were serious. “Were you happy?”
“As happy as I could have been.” He sipped his eggnog.
The same ads for various unmissable Christmas sales filled the stale quiet between them.
“It’s always gonna be you, you know.” Ben stayed silent, inches and yet miles away. “I really did try to get over you but I couldn’t. I’m always gonna love you - even if you can’t love me back, you were my best friend, Ben. I’m not ready to lose you.” His rambling had stuck him in this mess, but it seemed he hadn’t learned. Ben shifted. “I want to be a part of your life, whatever that may look like now. You-“
He didn’t finish. Instead, Caleb was cut off by Ben, all but crashing into him with a hand on his cheek and his lips on Caleb’s. If he wasn’t absolutely overcome with disbelief, it would have been perfect. When they broke apart, Ben looked somber and happy at the same time. “That’s still the best way to shut you up?” Ben joked as he eased back, staying just close enough that their knees touched. Caleb let out a shocked peal of laughter. “I just,” Ben picked at a fingernail, “I felt like that’s something I should have done.”
He turned his attention back to the movie, but Caleb could tell his mind was racing.
“Ben,” he started, “You don’t have to feel pressured into anything, I promise. We’re friends before anything else.”
“Are you serious?” Ben asked, his words nearly distorted through his wide smile. “I was under the impression all year that you didn’t want me.” His smile faltered as his eyes flit across Caleb’s shocked, expectant face. “You said you want to be in my life and I want you to be in the center of it, if that’s okay with you?”
The swell of music from the television matched the beat of his heart and rush of joy to his head. Hands shaking as though they were twenty years younger and massively less experienced, Caleb reached out to cup Ben’s jaw and pulled him into a kiss. “We’re a couple of idiots, huh?” He whispered before kissing him again. Even though every atom of his body told him to stay as close to Ben as he could physically get for the rest of time, he pulled back enough to see his eyes. “You can move back in whenever you’re comfortable - most of your stuff is still here anyway. There’s no rush, Tallboy.”
Ben gripped his knee like it was a lifeline. “What’s everyone else going to think?”
“‘Tween you and me? I don’t think they really believed we ever broke up. Nobody but Abe would think that we threw away five years over an argument like that.”
With a quiet chuckle, Ben ducked his chin and kissed the palm of Caleb’s hand. He let his lips linger and drag across Caleb’s skin as he raised his head to face him again. It sent chills down his spine that not even his heating pad could touch.
The McAllister’s reunited on screen as Caleb pressed Ben into the sofa - their sofa - and, as occupied as he was, Caleb found himself looking forward to the idea of a week off more than he had all year.