Archive of Our Own

22:29

It all started when our eyes met.

PART I

“Good morning, class.” We all stood up as soon as Ms. Kim, our homeroom teacher, stepped inside the room. However, she wasn’t alone. A girl wearing a pink flannel with her hair hanging loose, trailed behind her. She looked pretty confident as a newcomer. But I could only care less. 

“So, obviously, I brought a new face here who would be joining us for the whole school year. Isn’t it exciting?” 

I snorted, looking out the window as my other classmates laughed too but not in a mocking way like I did.

It’s funny how she’s treating us like we’re grade-schoolers? So what if we have a new classmate? What was so exciting about it? People were all the same anyway.

“Class, meet and welcome, Sana Min-” Ms. Kim faltered which caused me to swerve my attention back to the front and my eyes landed on the girl called Sana.

“Minatozaki,” the girl said.

What did she say? Tozaki what? She spoke fast.

“Tozaki what?” I repeated out loud.

Sana turned her attention to me. And with a smile on her face, she said, “Sana… Mi-na-to-zaki.” She reiterated as patiently to me. 

I hummed, nodding my head like I’m really interested, before looking away. 

Japanese. Hmph.

I stay away from them as much as possible. There were Momo, Mina, and now this one. I had nothing against them. It's just that whenever the history of Japanese colonization would come up, my mom would always tell me about how my great great grandmother was one of the comfort women during that era.

I didn’t pay attention to whatever the transferee was saying but she spoke Korean clearly. She said she was seventeen years old, and she technically grew up here thus she spoke our language well and she continued to drivel on to why she transferred schools from an all-girls private school to here yada-yada. 

She was talkative eh? 

Ms. Kim then asked for a motto or what she believed in. I sighed inwardly. What’s so necessary about a motto? And hadn’t she revealed much about herself already? 

Looking back to the front, I rested my chin on my hand that was resting on my desk as I decided to listen.

Sana looked thoughtful for a moment. 

“Love wins… love always wins,” she said. 

I couldn’t help but scoff. ‘Love wins…’ that’s so overrated and what is love? Is it even real? But at that moment I couldn’t look away from her. It felt like she was holding my gaze and I only realized that she was looking at me. It only lasted for two, three seconds before Ms. Kim told her she could take her seat. 

She took a seat on the second row, third seat from the front.

However, her image still imprinted at the back of my mind; her striking brown eyes, attractive smile, her perfect white teeth, long brown hair—whatever, I shouldn’t be describing her. But I couldn’t deny the fast drumming inside my chest from that short moment. 

I quickly brushed the feeling off.

———

I usually eat lunch with my volleyball teammates, it was three of them that I already considered as family. Only family.

Actually, they were more of a family than my parents. 

They support me, we always have each other’s backs, I could rely on them, I could tell them anything without them judging or reacting negatively, they just listen, and most importantly, they didn’t want to kill me. They were happy to have me and I was the same to them. 

There was Kim Jennie, my sister from other parents, Kim Jisoo, my arcade buddy, and our youngest, Chou Tzuyu.

“How’s your summer?” Tzuyu asked, sliding her tray of food beside mine before sitting down beside me.

“I mostly stayed with Jennie,” I answered.

“Yeah, it’s almost like she wants us to adopt her.”

“I’d never want anything in the world.”

Jennie only smiled, she understood what I was talking about.

“Enough about me,” I said, turning to Tzuyu before I gobbled down my lunch. “How’s going back to Taiwan?”

Tzuyu instantly smiled from my question. It was cute. “I played with Gucci.”

“That’s what you did all summer?” Jisoo said, making us laugh. She could be playfully sarcastic.

“Of course not!”

We continued to talk about what we did last summer when Momo and Mina passed by our table. And there was this weird atmosphere and we all fell silent.

“Hey,” Jisoo called, beckoning us to lean closer. “I’m hearing rumors from my classmates that those two are dating.”

I felt my stomach churn from the news, my face distorting in disgust. “Really? Ugh.”

“I’m not sure though. I don’t even know where they get that.”

I glanced over to their retreating figures. They were holding hands. I couldn’t help the deepening scowl on my face. “It might be true,” I muttered.

Lesbian, gay, homosexual, or whatever they call themselves, I had great distaste towards them. It’s just wrong! 

“How can you be so sure?” Jennie asked, looking at me.

“They’re holding hands!” And to my surprise, Jisoo reached for mine. 

“We hold hands too.”

My eyes instinctively rolled, pulling my hand away from her. “It’s different.”

“What I’m trying to say is they could only be friends,” Jisoo explained.

“They could be. But what I’m trying to say is there’s no smoke without fire. In other words, a rumor won’t be brought up if there’s no truth in it.” I made sure they understand my point. I felt satisfied when no one tried to argue with me. So I continued. “And they’re even Japanese.”

Jennie’s eyebrows raised in confusion. “What’s the connection of their being Japanese and them dating?” 

Jisoo agreed with her.

“Well, they have what they call Yaoi and Yuri there.”

“It’s surprising that you know about it by how you’re judging them,” Jisoo said. 

Jennie and Tzuyu didn’t know what Yaoi and Yuri were so Jisoo and I explained it to them.

“Aren’t you being judgmental, unnie?” Tzuyu said. And it was a strong word, it got me tongue-tied.

I tried to think for a defense to back up my claim but I couldn’t think of any. I sighed, giving up. “Fine. Yeah, I’m being judgmental. But like I said, a rumor won’t be brought up if there’s no truth in it.”

When I came back from lunch, I spotted Sana in the corridor just outside our classroom, talking to Momo and Mina. And then I remembered her motto, ‘love wins’. It could be that she was a supporter because the rumor about Momo and Mina being girlfriends might be true or she was also part of that LGBTQRSTUVWXYZ or whatever letters were in there after the + sign.

“Hey, no loitering at the corridor during class hours!” I said and I stopped myself from laughing seeing all of them flustered. “Tozaki, come inside. Even if you’re a transferee, set a good example.”

“H-hai—I mean, yes,” Sana stammered and I couldn’t hold my snort. Thankfully, I was able to stop myself from uncontrollably laughing.

I watched her say her goodbyes to her dyke friends before I enter the classroom when I hear her call my name.

“Nayeon, wait!”

How did she know my name? I didn’t recall introducing ourselves to her yet.

I could feel the hair on my nape standing up as I stopped and turned to her.

“We’re not loitering. We just didn’t notice the time,” she explained, which painted me surprised because she really looked sorry and anxious.

I raised an eyebrow. I honestly didn’t know what to say because I never expected that she would explain to me like I’m a person of authority or something. Momo and Mina knew better that I was just patronizing them.

“Just—just be more aware next time,” I stuttered before I turned on my heel and returned to my seat. 

Ugh.

Jennie asked me to go shopping with her, after school, even though I didn’t really have any money to shop, but, it was a good escape not to go home and Jennie knew I needed this.

I left my car at the school’s parking lot as I hopped into Jennie’s gray Porsche Cayman, spotting Tozaki walking towards the handsome yellow Audi R8 convertible.

I blew a low whistle. It wasn’t only me who saw it. 

“Who’s that girl?” Jennie asked. 

Still following Sana with my eyes, I answered, “Sana. She’s my classmate.”

“She’s rich?”

I shrugged. “Obviously. I don’t really pay attention. She’s new.”

“Where is she from?”

I shot her a weird look. “Why are you so interested?”

“We technically own this school. So, I have to know if she’s going to be a competition.”

“I don’t think so,” I said. I don’t think Tozaki was that kind of person. 

We both watched as Sana drove away.

“Mm…”

I smirked. “Don’t worry. No one’s gonna replace the ‘Jennie Kim’.”

Jennie laughed at that and she looked beautiful. 

“Do you know what time it is?” My mom asked as soon as I entered the house. Like, she really cared.

“10:30.”

“I’m not asking you so you can tell me the time. I know the time. Where’ve you been? Oh, wait, don’t answer that. You’re with your rich girlfriend. I don’t even know why you even go back here when your girlfriend is already providing for you.”

“Jennie’s not my girlfriend and I’m not gay.” 

“Oh? How come you’re always with her? And...,” my mom feigned like she was searching for something. “Where’s the boyfriend? I don’t see one. Clearly, you’re a dyke. Don’t you deny it.”

I gritted my teeth. “Aren’t you proud that I’m prioritizing my studies?”

“Oh really? How come you’re so busy with your sugar mommy? Just be thankful, we’re not disowning you yet.”

“Fuck you.”

The next thing I felt was a great sting on my left cheek, and I suddenly felt dizzy. Then I saw dad already standing beside my mom, and it’s when I realized that he punched me. 

“Don’t you dare curse your mom you homo!” Not even his blow on my face could compare the painful words they had always spat on me.

They always judge me of being gay just because I almost stayed with Jennie all summer. Why would I not when they always hated me even before they started judging me as gay. 

I was hearing rumors that my dad was not really my dad, that I was a rape baby. But I still refuse to believe it even if it was a rational reason to understand why they hated me.

My classmates were staring when I entered the classroom. I know why they were staring; it’s the bruise on my cheek. I shot a glare back at them and it was enough for them to look away, except for one. Sana Minatozaki.

Her audacity to look. 

She wouldn’t even budge even if I was glaring at her. 

I let out a sigh. Someday, I’d let her know who I am so she wouldn’t be so daring. 

I was about to give up and just let her look at me when she finally looked away. 

As soon as I reached my seat, I settled my things and decided to work on some assignments I wasn’t able to finish instead of thinking about my parents and my bad luck.

“Nayeon-”

“What?” I snapped at my seatmate, Youngjae, who quickly held up his hands.

“Chill. Wendy asked me to hand this to you.” He handed me a folded piece of paper. 

My brows furrowed when I took it.

“Who?”

Youngjae looked over to his shoulder and pointed to Wendy who was busy reading a book to even notice him.

I don’t believe him. Why would Wendy hand me a note? We never talk.

But whatever, I’d still read it anyway.

Are you okay?

I quickly looked back to Wendy’s direction only for my eyes to meet Sana’s. She was seated across Wendy.

My eyes narrowed and I glanced back to the note before I raised it and asked Sana, using only my lips, if it’s hers.

And she nodded.

Woah. She had guts, eh? I should really show her who I am. 

I took my pen and began scribbling down my reply.

mind your own business.

I asked Youngjae to give it back. I corrected him that the note was from Sana and not from Wendy.

From the corner of my eye, I saw Sana frown (sadly?) after she read my reply. I ignored the slight guilt building inside of me at the thought that maybe I was too harsh on her. But I didn’t need her pity.

Pity was the last thing I needed.

———

“What happened?” Jennie asked, carefully pressing a warm compress on my face. 

This wasn’t the first time this happened, and Jennie had always tended it.

The first time the authorities at the school saw my bruised face, they asked me. I told them that I got into a fight, and, since then, they always believed I was a troublemaker (only Jennie, Jisoo, and Tzuyu knew where I got my bruises). And even though I never had any trouble in school, I still got the reputation of being a troublemaker, but I didn’t bother changing their impression of me. The reputation kind of became an advantage because I could see that some of the student body were intimidated by me. 

“Oh you know, that’s how they show they love me.”

No one laughed at my sarcastic joke. They only stared at me worriedly.

“This can’t continue,” Jennie said with authority.

I looked down on my lap. I know it can’t, but it’s not like I could do anything about it. They were my parents. And my dad punched me because I did something wrong. 

“I deserved it,” I muttered.

“No, you don’t.” Tzuyu frowned.

“I do! I said the f word to my mom.”

“You have your reasons.” Jisoo shrugged.

“But still, it’s wrong even if I have my reasons. And she said that Jennie’s my sugar mom--girlfriend.”

Jennie’s eyes widened. “What?”

Jisoo was laughing. “She’s crazy.”

Jennie nodded. “Yeah.”

———

Since the note incident, Tozaki stopped looking my way nor tried talking to me. 

I’m glad that she quickly got the message that I didn’t want anyone prying in my life. And that I simply didn’t like her.

She seemed pretentious. Why would she care if I was okay?

“Nayeon, catch!” Yeri shouted, getting my attention before she tossed the ball over to me. 

Why am I thinking about Tozaki in the middle of our drill?

And speaking of, I spotted her talking to Chaeyoung, the official photographer of the school. She was holding a camera that looked expensive. It seemed that she joined the photography club.

I wasn’t sure how long I was staring when someone called for my name again. 

“Nayeon, are you okay?” It was the coach this time. “You can take a rest if you want.” 

I felt my cheeks heat up. “I-I’m fine coach. I’m sorry.”

Coach only nodded and blew her whistle, calling for a short break. Maybe she wasn’t convinced I was fine.

I exhaled, hating myself for being distracted. But I decided to shrug it off and not make a big deal about it. And besides, we really needed a short break.

Jogging my way towards the bleachers, I felt someone looking at me from the sidelines. My head instinctively turned and saw Sana holding up her camera and it was directed towards me, like she was taking a picture. 

My pace slowed down and her movements also seemed to slow down when she lowered down the camera for me to meet her eyes.

My mind was in a haze and I wondered if she took a picture of me.

I didn’t know how long we were staring at each other before I looked away and continued jogging towards the bleachers.

———

I pushed Sana against the lockers when I finally got a chance to have her, alone.

She gasped, completely surprised.

“Stop taking pictures of me,” I said through gritted teeth. “You think I didn’t notice?” 

Our faces were so close, I could smell her nice scent, probably her perfume, but I could only care less.

She didn’t speak and just looked at me. It was frustrating. 

“Say something!” I slammed the locker, it hurts. But I prevent myself from hissing in pain. And all she said was, “calm down.”

I scoffed and crossed my arms. “Listen, Tozaki. Stay out of my business. Stop asking how I am, stop taking pictures of me, and stop looking at me.” 

“The picture, it’s only a practice shot and I thought you look beautiful.”

I blinked several times. What did she say? She thought I looked beautiful? 

No one had told me that, and-wait—did she say I looked beautiful?

My feet instinctively stepped back. “What?” 

And then I remembered I had a bruise on my face. I glowered at her. “Are you making fun of me?”

“What-no! No. I'm not!”

She looked sincere. But I kept my glare on her. I didn’t know what to say.

“Don’t worry, I’ll delete it. But I’m telling you, I’ll still take pictures of you and your teammates, whether you like it or not. It’s for the paper.” Sana leaned off the locker, standing up straight, leveling her height with mine. “Can I go now?”

And I hate to admit it but I was left speechless after that. I huffed, avoiding her eyes. “Fine.”

Thankfully, it’s already late and there were no students around to see how Sana managed to render me speechless. 

She wasn’t a bit intimidated by me. Dammit.

I wasn’t sure how long I was in my car, parked in the school’s parking lot as I thought if I should go home or check-in a cheap hotel to stay the night.

It was already 6:30 in the evening and I saw some of my teachers already went home. 

I sighed and decided to go home just to pack some of my clothes as I figure out how I should manage to survive without depending on my parents since I couldn’t really depend on them completely. 

I started the engine. It would crank but wouldn’t start. I tried again but still.

“Fuck!” I shouted, slamming the steering wheel. Fuck! Fuck! 

I let out a frustrated sigh as I leaned my head more like banging my head on the steering wheel. “Fuck this fucking life,” I muttered.

Am I being punished? But for what? 

Guess I had no choice but to take the bus and go straight home. 

I went out of my car, slamming its shitty door. Fuck it.

———

My dad asked where my car was when I passed by him drinking with our neighbor, in the backyard.

“It needs repair and I don’t have enough money for it,” I answered, not bothering to stop to answer him properly. Because stopping would only give him a chance to insult me like my mom. 

“Why not ask for money from your rich girlfriend?” I heard him say. I decided to walk faster home. 

As soon as I got home, I went straight to my bedroom, shutting and locking the door. Thankfully, mom was too busy in the kitchen to even notice me enter.

Damn them.

If they didn’t stop, I would really start to look for a girlfriend, let’s see then. 

‘The picture, it’s only a practice shot and I thought you look beautiful.’ 

Suddenly, Sana’s words replayed in my mind along with her face, so close to mine, and how she looked straight into my eyes when she said that. 

Her eyes were actually pretty. I could get lost into those brown orbs.

Oh god.

No. No. No! I shouldn’t feel this way. I am not gay. My parents were wrong! 

“And I wouldn’t dare to prove them right,” I told myself. 

I groaned as if it would help to slow the fast beating of my heart.

I should stay away from Sana. She must be gay just like her other Japanese friends thus her compliment.

Only gay girls appreciate another girl.

———

I took the school bus the following day and some of the students there sure looked surprised seeing me, including Bambam. However, he was the only one who looked happy to see me. 

Bambam and I always end with the same section since sophomore year. I somehow consider him as a friend and I could see that he was the same to me.

“Where’s your cool car?” He asked, taking a seat beside me.

It’s really weird of him to find my Toyota Corolla from 1992 cool.

“My cool car, apparently, needed repair.”

“That sucks.”

I chuckled. “I thought it’s cool?”

“It is but…” he shrugged.

“Do you know how to repair cars?”

He shook his head. “Sadly, no. But I think one of our classmates knows how.”

“Really? Who?”

“Sana.”

No way.

———

“There she is!” Bambam said, pointing to Sana, when we entered the classroom.

Too much for staying away from her, eh? 

But was he even sure Tozaki knew how to repair cars? She’s a girl. 

“Are you sure that she knows how to repair cars?” 

“Yeah, I’ve talked to her about it. Have you seen her Audi?” Admiration was evident in his voice.

I rolled my eyes. “I did.”

“She knows a lot more than she let on.”

Sure. But I still doubt she knew about car repairs. 

“Sana!” Bambam called too soon, much to my dismay. I was about to stop him but Tozaki was already looking our way.

“Hey,” she smiled seeing Bambam but it was gone when she saw me. “Uh, hi.”

I only looked at her, not returning her greeting.

“Do you know how to repair cars?” Bambam asked. 

Damn him, he wasn’t even sure.

“I can try,” Sana said, her eyes shifting to him and me.

“Never mind. I’ll just go get it repaired to someone who knows,” I said.

“I’m happy to help.” 

“Forget it.”

“Come on, Nayeon! Give her a try.” Why is Bambam pushing me?

I looked at her for a moment, weighing my decision. I didn’t have enough money to have it repaired in a shop but if I’d have her repair it, maybe, I could ask her for a discount? 

“Fine. How much?”

The corner of her lips perked up. “I’ll take a look at it first.” 

———

“Are you sure you know what you’re doing?” I asked as I watched Sana look into my car. I was behind the wheel. She had her hair in a ponytail and her sleeves up. (I only noticed she likes wearing flannels).

“Yes. Can you start your car again?” 

I did what she asked me and started the engine. 

Still no.

She clicked her tongue, shaking her head. “You should replace your battery.”

“Battery—how—where can I get that? And how much even is it?”

She walked over, peeking at the window as she told me the price. And one thing’s on my mind. I didn’t have that kind of money. 

Clicking my tongue, I slumped down on my seat. “I guess I should let her go,” I muttered, caressing the steering wheel and the gear. I know I looked like an idiot but I’d miss this car. Even if this looked like trash, I almost spent my whole highschool with her.

“What are you talking about?”

I turned to look at Sana. “I don’t have any money to buy her new batteries.”

“Oh, I can lend you.”

My eyes widened in shock. I didn’t expect that. “What? No. Why would you do that?”

“Well, it’s not like you’re not going to pay me back?”

Right. She’s right.

I looked at her for a moment before nodding. It would mean that I’d be owing her something. And I didn’t like the idea of owing something to her. I just told myself that I would stay away from her.

“Okay. Thanks, Tozaki.”

Sana chuckled. “You’re really calling me that, huh?”

I felt my cheeks heat up. I looked away. “It’s not like you can do anything about it.”

“It’s okay.”

I stole a glance at her. She was still leaning over and she was smiling. Why does she smile a lot? 

Hmph. Maybe she knew she looked pretty.

“So,” she said. “When are we going to buy your battery?”

I shrugged. “Up to you. You have the money.”

“How about now?”

“Now?” Wow, she really had the money, eh? 

She nodded.

“Oh, okay.” Sana stepped aside so I could exit my car. I followed her to her Audi.

I couldn’t believe I was going to spend my Friday night with her. 

“How do you know so much about cars?” I asked while we’re on our way to the automotive repair shop.

“My dad and I used to bond over cars. He would teach me a thing or two about troubleshooting since I’m interested in cars just like him.”

“I see.” That was kind of cool for a girl like her to have an interest that wasn't common for girls. 

Soon after, we finally reached the shop.

A middle-aged guy approached us and eyed Sana’s vehicle with intrigue. “What can I do for you, ladies? Nice car you have there.”

“Thanks, but she didn’t need any repairs,” Sana replied, referring to her car. Then she continued to talk to the guy and it was impressive watching her talk to him without any sign of uncertainty and I could see the repairman respected her for being knowledgeable like him. And I could tell that he was also impressed by Sana.

After the guy assisted us with our order and put it in the trunk, Sana asked me if it was okay if we could drive to her house first, so she could change, as she didn’t want her casual wear to be ruined, before she installed the battery.

And it wasn’t like I had other choices so I said, “Sure.” And I only noticed the watch she was wearing. It looked expensive.

“You should not wear expensive things in school. You might be surprised to see it in my hands one day,” I jest.

“Huh?” She blinked.

I snorted. “Just kidding. I don’t rob things, though I may look the part.”

“Why would you say that? You look like I can trust you one hundred percent.”

I laughed, “Don’t be funny.”

She smiled. “You should laugh more.” And then there was this look again. The kind of look she gave me when she told me I looked beautiful.

I suddenly caught myself staring. I immediately looked away. “Focus on the road, Tozaki.” 

“I-I was,” she said but I could see her cheeks getting red. I didn’t say anything after that.

We only drove in silence.

———

“There, good as new,” Sana said, dusting herself. 

She just finished installing the battery. 

She wore a white tank top with racerback, revealing her slightly toned arms for me to see.

This girl sure has lots of surprises.

She still had her hair in a pony so I really got a good view of her neck and her nape (and a little bit of her nice back).

Damn. Why did it feel like I was looking at her inappropriately?

I decided to exchange messages with Jennie, Jisoo, and Tzuyu on our group chat instead of watching her change my car’s battery.

She was all sweaty after, and I kind of feel bad for letting her do all the work without even assisting her or giving her anything. 

“Thank you.” I took the bottle of water we bought on the way, sitting on the hood of her car that was parked beside mine, and handed it to her. “Have a drink.” It was the least I could do.

“Thanks,” she took it and drank it down. Sweat trickled down on the side of her head, down to her neck, and her arms. I felt the urge to wipe it.

I gulped. What is wrong with me?

“You’re actually nice,” she said after drinking.

I didn’t know what to say so I kept quiet. She was the first person to say that to me. 

I don’t think I’m nice.

“Uhm… you’re welcome.”

She chuckled. “You’re really something,” she said before she walked over to her car to get her towel to wipe her sweat. 

What does she mean by that?

I looked away. It was not necessary to watch her every move.

“Give it a try.” I heard her say. 

"Huh?" What should I give a try? Wipe her sweat? 

I felt my cheeks warming up when she gestured to my car and it’s when I realized that she was talking about my car.

Ugh. I felt like an idiot.

And without any word, I entered my car and turned the ignition. 

It roared to life. 

Wow. I couldn’t stop myself from beaming. “Thanks, Tozaki!”

She smiled coolly. “No sweat.”

“By the way, you haven’t told me how much.”

She only looked at me, bemused. How could she be clueless?

“You repaired my car. So, how much?” I repeated.

“Oh, you don’t have to pay me. Just pay for the battery.”

“Woah! Really?” 

She nodded. Why is she so nice?  

But damn. I’d be owing her more than I expected. “No. I’ll pay for it. Installment.”

“You don’t have to, Nayeon. It’s really okay.”

“Are you for real?” I couldn’t help but say. 

She giggled. “Sadly, I am.” 

After being harsh to her, how could she still be kind to me?

“Thanks again, Tozaki. Don’t worry, I’ll start paying for the battery next week.”

“Don’t worry yourself too much about it. We’ll be seeing each other till the end of the school year.”

Right.

When my mom saw that my car was already fixed, she said that she thought I didn’t have any money to fix it. And as expected, she would mention Jennie again. 

“Oh, right of course you asked your rich girlfriend for it. Bet she asked for your body as payment.”

“Don’t you dare talk about her like that!” That was too much. I wanted to slap her. But I tried my best to control myself. Taking a deep breath, I decided to just face my back to her as I made my way to my bedroom.

However, she still continued. “Or what, Nayeon? Don’t you dare tell me it’s not the truth. Look how you’re defending her.”

Ignore her. Ignore her. Ignore her.

I didn’t notice that dad was there. “Don’t you dare face your back to your mom when she talks to you, young lady.”

I stopped, controlling my temper when I turned to face them. “What do you want from me?”

“I want you to respect your mom!”

I scoffed. “As if she deserves respect,” I mumbled.

“I heard what you said!”

And to my surprise, my cheeks were met with hard equal slaps from dad.

“Don’t you talk back again like that or you’re going to receive more than that.”

As if I hadn’t. I'm used to it.

The following week, Jisoo announced something appalling.

She saw Mina and Momo making out.

Even if I had already presumed that they were dating, I still couldn’t believe it was true. “Where?”

“In the library. I’m searching for some references for our history essay and you know how only few people go to that section.”

Jennie agreed, I nodded, and Tzuyu just listened.

“It’s where I saw them.”

“See? I’m right. They’re dating!” I said. “But, wait, you didn’t stop them?” 

“No! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do, so I just left.”

I grimaced. “You should’ve at least taken them a picture.”

“I’d never do that! It’s just… wrong.”

“Well, what they’re doing is wrong,” I reasoned.

“Couples make out all the time. If they’re a couple then it’s only natural,” Tzuyu said. I couldn’t believe how she was indifferent.

I turned to her. “How are you fine with it?”

She shrugged. “I’m not judgmental.”

“Guys, promise me not to tell anyone. I don’t want it to be pinned on me,” Jisoo pleaded.

“Then, I’ll take the blame,” I said and I felt Jennie’s hand on my shoulder, she was shaking her head.

I looked at each of them. How are they so okay with it? It’s just wrong! 

But fine, it wasn’t my life anyway.

However, it’s not only Jisoo who saw Momo and Mina. One of my classmates also did and she wasn’t really quiet about it.

She technically announced it in the locker room before our gym class started.

“Sana, I think I saw Momo and Mina making out in the library, they’re your friends, right?”

Sana looked uncomfortable at first but she was quick to mask it. 

“Yes, they are,” she replied with so much courage. “And what’s wrong if they love each other in that way?” She shrugged before exiting the locker room.

Wow.

After we all changed into our gym uniform, our professor asked us to look for a partner. I was thinking of asking Bambam to be my partner when Tozaki approached me.

“Can we be partners? You’re the only person I feel comfortable with right now.”

I was surprised by her confession but I still agreed. My first thought was to turn her down but she helped me a great deal so being her partner was the least I could do.

I wanted to ask her why she wasn’t comfortable with our other classmates, if it was because of the confrontation back in the gym locker, but I decided against it. It must have really made her feel uncomfortable. 

Our professor instructed us to do sit-ups with the help of our partner.

Sana let me have a go first as she held onto my feet. And feeling her this close to me, with her just holding my feet, stirred something inside of me. I didn’t know how to describe it, but there was this jittery feeling on my legs up to my stomach. 

It’s almost hard to move.

And even if Sana was assisting me, it’s no help because every time I would sit-up, our faces would become so close, I could get a whiff of her (nice) scent. Even if I wanted to tell Sana to lean a bit away, I couldn’t, because she didn’t seem to mind.

Ugh, why did I agree to be partners with her?

“Your bruise. Did you really got it from a fight?” 

I stopped with my sit-ups when I heard her question. Our faces were just inches apart but I didn’t mind anymore, I just don’t like it when people would ask questions about me. Especially strangers.

“Sana,” I warned. I know I could just lie to her. But I don’t know, it was suddenly a hard task. 

“W-where’d you get that?” she still continued.

“Sana.” I stared at her, hard, hoping it would be enough for her to get a hint that I didn’t want to talk about it. 

“I’m sorry,” she looked down. “It’s just-I have a feeling that the rumors about you getting into fights aren’t true.”

How could she see me differently?

“You don’t know me.”

Not long after, our professor blew his whistle telling us to switch places.

How I wanted to change partners right now. 

“By the way, is the news about your friends true?” I asked, to make it even. She made me feel uncomfortable.

I was expecting a certain reaction from her but Sana didn’t stop with her sit-ups. 

“Yeah,” she even answered without hesitation. “It’s just sad that people judge their relationship.”

“People judge all the time.” Like my parents. They judge me all the time. “Get used to it. But you should understand that some people think that it’s wrong.”

People like me.

This time Sana stopped, but only for a bit, because after she said that “judging others is also wrong,” she continued with her sit-ups.

“Times up,” I said. She let out a breath. She had an impressive record.

“Okay, let’s say some people think that being gay is wrong because they’re close-minded,” Sana continued. Her words hit me hard, “-but I think there's nothing wrong in choosing the lesser of two evils. Because judging is unarguably wrong. So, would you rather hate someone just because they love someone of the same gender and be judgmental? Or would you rather just leave them alone even if you think it's wrong?”

Wow. Sana really talks smart. I found myself agreeing with her. “Right.”

She smiled. I mentally rolled my eyes. Oh, please, stop smiling.

“It’s nice to meet someone having the same belief.”

Dang! Now she thought I was fine with the whole gay thing.

PART II

Jennie asked me to go to the amusement park. And to my surprise, it was just us.

“Where’s Jisoo and Tzuyu?” I asked.

“Don’t tell them. I just missed hanging out with you. You know, like, during summer, it’s just us?” She smiled crookedly.

I grinned. I missed it too. “Yeah.”

Jennie wanted to ride the roller coaster but I was afraid of such rides so I asked if we could ride the Ferris wheel instead since it’s nearly sunset.

She agreed, however, she told me that we should eat first. 

We ate hotdog buns and right after we ate, we made our way to the Ferris wheel. 

However, as we reached the ride, I couldn’t help but notice how the crowds disappeared.

What’s going on?

“Jennie?” I said, turning back to her. And to my surprise, it was Sana who was now beside me. 

Jennie was nowhere to be found.

“W-what’s going on?” I asked.

But instead of answering me, Sana took my hand, leading me towards the ride. 

She was the first to climb the Ferris wheel before extending her hand to mine. “Come on,” she said. I stared down at her hand, thinking if I should take it. 

I’m feeling weird vibes from this. But, still, I took it and hopped in.

“I’ve always wanted to do this.” I heard her say and I felt her step closer to me. 

I hesitated tilting my head towards her but I still did. 

And the next thing I felt was her soft lips on mine.

I gasped, only to see myself in the constraints of my room. My heart was drumming fast and loud in my chest.

What the hell was that?!

I couldn’t believe it was just a dream. 

It felt so real.

I could literally feel the warmth of Sana’s lips to mine. 

“Jennie, can I borrow some money?” I need to get rid of the only connection I have with Sana, and it was my debt. 

However, instead of lending me money, Jennie helped me get hired in their coffee shop franchise. And it’s better because I didn’t need to ask for money from someone if the situation called for it, this money was going to be my own besides I couldn’t really rely on my parents anymore. 

The manager tasked me to man the cash register to get orders and receive payments.

My work would only be for three hours after our volleyball practice after school, so there’d be no hanging out, shopping, or playing in the arcade for the time being.

Sigh. I would miss those times but we could do that on the weekends.

Now for my first customer… it was my childhood friend, Jeongyeon—former childhood friend, actually. 

After she confessed to liking me, I stayed away from her as much as possible. I don’t associate myself with lesbians, so it really hurt when my parents insulted me. 

Jeongyeon was with her girlfriend, Park Jihyo. They were both studying at St. Mary’s-a private school, exclusive for girls. I usually saw them when our school and their school have competitions. Jihyo was also a volleyball varsity.

Damn, are they regulars here?

I hope not. 

I braced myself for their approach. I didn’t want to leave this job just for them. It’s either they started looking for other coffee shops or we had to deal with each other and pretend we could stand each other’s presence.

They both looked surprised to see me when they came closer to the counter.

“Good afternoon,” I tried my best to be as professional as possible. “May I get their orders?”

Jeongyeon didn’t bother to look at the menu as she mentioned their order. It seemed like they were regular customers here. Tsk.

“It’s for takeout,” Jeongyeon said, I wondered if they usually order takeout or they only decided because of me.

But whatever. I didn’t really care.

After I punched in their orders and took their payment, they both went to sit at the stool as they waited.

I guess I should start to expect that I’d be encountering same-sex couples more than I want to.

———

My shift ended at seven and I got the salary right after work.

I couldn’t help but feel ecstatic when I got a hold of my first salary. It’s making me want to spend, although I’m aware that it’s for the payment of my debt. But it wasn’t enough to cover it all. Of course, I still need to divide it for my allowance, food, and for the things I needed.

“Tozaki!” I called the following week. I didn’t mean to sound enthusiastic but I was just happy that I had something to finally pay her.

“Here’s the first half for the battery. I’m sorry if it’s a bit late from what I promised.” I handed her a tiny brown envelope.

Sana looked down at my extended hand, but she wasn’t taking it. “It’s okay. You don’t have to pay sooner.”

“But I want to. Take it.”

Thankfully, she did. And before I could stop myself, I said, “I got a job at the Coffee Corner as a cashier.” I know I didn’t have to share that news with her but I couldn’t help it.

“Really?” She beamed. She looked happy for me. “That’s great!”

“Thanks!”

“You should smile more. It looks good on you.”

I blinked, I didn’t even realize I was smiling. “Err… I’ll be paying you weekly from now on,” I said, changing the subject. I don’t know how I should respond to her compliment.

Jennie, Jisoo, and Tzuyu visited me at my work, the following day. I was so happy to see them. “Guys!”

“I guess, we’d be hanging out here from now on,” Jisoo said.

“That’s great! And it’s good for the business,” I jest. Jennie gave me a thumbs up. 

“So, what’s your order, ladies?” 

“Hmm… what’s your bestseller?” Tzuyu asked.

I gestured to Jennie. “Ms. Kim, can you enlighten our new customers?”

Jennie snorted. “Shut up. But I would suggest the barista’s signature drink.”

“Okay, I’ll get that signature drink,” Jisoo quickly said.

“Double that,” Tzuyu said.

“Make it three,” Jennie followed.

I still continued being goofy with them until they went to look for a table not far from the counter.

They were the best.

However, not long after, I spotted Sana by the entrance, and behind her were Momo and Mina. 

I thought they were all going to approach the cashier but I watched Sana talk to them and soon the couple left her side to look for a table to sit in.

I never expected her to come here. And I wasn’t sure how I would greet her.

I decided to be professional. “Hi, welcome to Coffee Corner.” 

“Hi,” she simply said, looking kind of shy? I wasn’t sure.

“What can I get for you?”

“Uhm…” she looked up to the menu behind me. And after only one to two seconds, she leaned closer. It seemed like she already knew what she was going to order.

However, the words that came out of her mouth were not what I expected.

“Can I get your number?”

What. The. Fuck? Was what I wanted to say. But the words that came out of my mouth was, “Uh-s-d-wh-what?” 

I became a babbling mess. AND I’m not a babbling mess.

She quickly took it back. “Uh-it’s-uhm… forget it. I’ll get three lattes.”

It was relieving somehow to hear her stutter like me. 

“A-Anything else?”

“Uuh… y-you look good in your uniform.”

I felt my cheeks heat up, avoiding eye contact as I muttered a 'thanks'. I couldn’t believe she complimented me (again) and I wasn’t used to compliments. And I shouldn’t appreciate it because--but it’s normal right? A girl appreciating another girl? I mean, she looks good too.

I busied myself pressing down on the register to compute the total of her order. “Would that be all?” I asked again, daring myself to look at her.

The corner of her lips perked up when our eyes met only for me to realize that I was smiling too. 

“Yes, that’s all.”

This wasn’t the first time I felt my heartbeat hard in my ribcage when I talked to her.

———

Tozaki had been going regularly to the coffee shop two to three times a week, with or without her Japanese friends. I wanted to confront her about it but who am I to stop her? She was a customer and she had a right to go back whenever she wanted to. But I got a feeling that she wasn’t coming back for the coffee.

Ugh. I knew I sounded narcissistic but I couldn’t erase the feeling.

Jisoo, Jennie, and Tzuyu had been noticing it too, for sure; they just weren’t saying anything or maybe I’m just being too paranoid. Or maybe they didn’t really care since some of the students from our school were regulars here. And besides, the coffees here taste nice. 

Right. That was it. Tozaki liked the coffee here. I should stop being paranoid and stop thinking badly of her. She was a nice person and she helped me a lot.

Plus, she was helping with the booming of the business.

“So what is it? Latte? Frappe’? Or Macchiato?” I asked her. I only got thirty minutes left before my shift ends.

Sana blinked in surprise. “Wow.”

I smirked, looking smug, because I know I got her usual orders. “So which is it?”

She hummed and suddenly she looked challenging. There was a hint of mischief in her eyes. “Take a guess,” she said.

Thankfully, there were no other people following behind her in the line.

Raising my brow, I said, “You’re challenging me. I see.”

She smirked.

“There has to be a prize if I guessed right,” I continued.

“Okay. Tell me.”

This could be a good opportunity to earn a discount on my debt. “If I guessed right, you’d give me a discount on the battery I owe you.”

“Deal,” she answered rather quickly. “But if you guessed wrong, you will give me your number.”

Wait. What? 

“Hey, that’s—”

“Only fair. I should also get something if you guessed wrong,” she argued.

I narrowed my eyes at her. “And what will you do with my number?”

“Use it to contact you?”

Right. Of course. But I kept my eyes narrowed at her. Why would she want to contact me?

“Why are you looking at me like that?” she asked. 

I crossed my arms. “I’m having a feeling…”

“Feeling? What feeling?” I could see her wanting to break eye contact with me but I was holding her gaze so she wasn’t able to. I wanted to confront her if she was a lesbian. But I was thinking of the consequences if it happened to be true.

I was actually starting to like her company more than I wanted to admit and confirming my assumptions would only mean staying away from her. And, besides, there was a saying that what you didn’t know wouldn’t kill you and she wasn’t making creepy moves on me to show some indication of her attraction and sexuality. So I thought of shifting my train of thought.

Thankfully, I was able to think fast. “I have a feeling... that you’d get a Macchiato today.”

She sighed in utter relief. “Oh, I thought...”

I guess I really made her nervous, huh? But I continued to challenge her. “You thought?”

“N-nothing.” She looked down.

“So did I guess right? Don’t lie. I’m watching you.”

She chuckled sheepishly, scratching the back of her neck. “Not really,” she said quite slowly.

“Yah! don’t lie!”

“I’m not.” This time she looked at me in the eye. “I’m actually thinking of having Affogato today.”

“That’s unfair! That’s not in the choices!”

She laughed and it annoyed me. “It’s not funny.” I eyed the camera hanging around her neck. And she must have seen it because she pulled it a bit away.

“Chill! I’m just kidding. You’re right, it’s Macchiato but then I saw the Affogato on the menu.”

Tozaki sure liked playing with me, huh? 

“So, which is it?” I asked, impatiently. I was still annoyed.

“Hey, don’t be mad. You’ll still get your discount but I’m going to have an Affogato.”

“Fine,” I grumbled. Although, the sound of the discount lessened my irritation.

After my shift, I joined Sana at her table. She was surprised when I sat across her. But before she could ask ‘what I’m doing’ or ‘why I was here’, I said, “My shift is done.”

She looked over to the cashier and Dahyun was already manning it. She was also studying at our school, a sophomore like Tzuyu. 

“Oh. Uhm… you want some?” Sana offered her Affogato to me.

“Thanks, but no.” I shook my head. And then we both fell into silence. 

I was sorting my thoughts on how I was going to ask her about the discount, I only joined her for that and then I’ll leave. I didn’t have any plans to stay.

“Uhm… about the discount...” “Do you have plans after…” We spoke at the same time. 

“You go first,” Tozaki quickly said.

“Oh, uhm, the discount that I’m going to get? You didn’t tell me how much. I won your little game, remember?”

Sana bit her lip, smiling as she took a scoop of her Affogato. “I’ll give you fifty percent.”

I blinked. Fifty percent?! Did I hear it right? 

“Fifty percent?” I asked. I had to make sure.

She looked at me. “I’ll give you fifty percent.” She repeated without blinking.

“Really?”

Tozaki nodded.

“I hope you’re not making fun of me.”

“You earned it.”

I then started counting my remaining balance only to learn that I already covered it. “Hey, then it means that-” 

“You’re fully paid,” she finished the sentence for me.

I stared at her. “Are you really for real?” I’ve never met someone like her before.

She looked confused but there was a little smile on her lips. “I’m not really sure what you meant by that. This is the second time you said that.”

I didn’t really know how to answer her. She was just so kind. 

“Uhm… Thanks, Sana. Really.” I reached for her hand. It was an impulse, but I just really felt grateful, and I think there’s nothing wrong with holding the person’s hand when you feel grateful.

“It’s no problem, Nayeon. I don’t want you to feel like you owe me because you don’t. You earned your fifty percent by correctly guessing that I was thinking of Macchiato.”

She was clearly mocking me but I don’t really mind, a discount is a discount.

“You’re an idiot,” I muttered and I didn’t notice that I was still holding her hand when I felt her fingers wrapped around mine. 

I felt tense. But I didn’t let go.

“Shall we?” She asked. She just finished her Affogato.

“To where?”

“Dinner maybe?”

My heart was beating fast, again. “What?”

“Come on.” She stood up, pulling me with her even before I could answer. And the next thing I knew, I was entering her car.

———

I didn’t go home after my dinner with Sana and checked in at a cheap hotel.

I sighed, thinking about her.

I couldn’t believe I just had dinner with Sana. And I don’t even know why I was making a big deal out of it. It was just dinner. I mean, I also went to dinner with Jennie and Jisoo sometimes (Tzuyu’s parents were too strict to even allow her to go out at night) so I shouldn’t be thinking about it much, but that’s the problem, I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

Sana brought me to a Sushi Restaurant by the seaside; I insisted on splitting the bill, and we took a walk along the shore afterwards. 

It was peaceful. 

I wish I could stay there forever. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt that kind of peace. Maybe I had never.

Sana Minatozaki.  

Maybe being friends with her wasn’t so bad after all. And it wasn’t like she was one of the Japanese soldiers who tortured my great great grandmother back in world war. She just happened to be born Japanese and it wasn’t her fault. And plus, it was over a hundred years ago.

My mom was being her usual self, and it was being judgmental. Why did I even listen to her?

Sana was nice and a very kind person and she was nothing like how my mom judged the Japanese people. 

It should be her who I should stay away from not Sana, or Momo and Mina.

When I exited my car, the following day, I spotted Sana just about to enter the campus. She seemed to have just arrived also.

“Tozaki!” I called, half running towards her. She stopped and instantly smiled when she saw me. “Nayeon!”

“Thanks again for yesterday,” I said.

“Sure.” She always had an easy smile.

“I had fun,” I blurted out and it was too late when I realized what I said.

And she was looking at me in a way like-I don’t know-but it was giving me weird feelings inside. “Please don’t look at me like that.”

She looked embarrassed and looked away. “I’m sorry. But I’m glad you had fun. I-I had fun too. Uhm… Wanna hang out later? After your shift?”

“Where?”

She shrugged. “Anywhere?”

I snorted. “Where is anywhere? How about we go to the arcade?” 

“Cool!” She beamed. 

“After my shift?” I said.

“Yes, of course, after your shift. Just like yesterday,” she winked. We both shared a smile and it felt like there was something in it. I know it was crazy, unreasonable even, to think that there was a meaning behind it. It’s just a smile. But I couldn’t erase the feeling that there was something more to it. 

Damn! Why am I thinking too much? It’s just a building friendship!

It’s not a crush—I mean—CRISIS! 

What crush? Where did I even get that? And what crisis ? No, no, no. I’m straight. I’m sure of it one hundred and one percent.

However, during volleyball practice after school, Jisoo expressed that she missed hanging out with me and I felt the same.

“We should definitely hang out later after your shift since you got money now. We can spend a lot in the arcade!”

I beamed realizing it, especially that I didn’t need to pay any debt anymore since I got a fifty percent discount. Sana was a total angel. But then I remembered, I was going to play arcade with Tozaki later. 

It’s going to be weird if I told Jisoo that I already invited Sana to go with me. No one knew about my budding friendship with the Jap.

But I didn’t want to turn Jisoo down.

Maybe I should just tell Sana to hang out some other time.

———

Jennie and Tzuyu didn’t go with Jisoo and I to the coffee shop. They said that they had enough coffee already. 

“You don’t have to wait for me during my shift, you can just go back when I’m done. My shift ends at 7,” I told Jisoo. But she said, “If I went home, my parents might not allow me to leave the house.”

“Okay, it’s your choice.”

As soon as my shift started, I waited for Sana to appear by the entrance so I could tell her that we could just go some other time.

However, an hour had already passed and she still hadn't arrived. I hope she won't arrive thirty minutes before my shift ends, like yesterday. 

I should’ve asked for her number. 

Looking over to Jisoo, I was thinking. What if I just tell her the truth?

I shook my head. It would be complicated.

Tozaki, please arrive now. Please, please, please.

And like an answered prayer, Sana, finally, appeared by the door. I checked the time. An hour before my shift ends.

“You finally came! I mean—welcome to Coffee Corner.” I bit my lip for exclaiming like that. I could feel myself blush (out of embarrassment). But damn, she looked pretty and handsome with her stylish jacket. 

I’m now having second thoughts if I should rain check because, look, she dressed up!

I took a quick glance at Jisoo, she was looking at us. 

I’m sorry, Sana. I wasn’t ready for this.

“Were you waiting for me?” Sana asked, flashing a hopeful smile.

“I-I don’t.” I avoided her eyes as I pretended to look at something in the register. “I just… I forgot to tell you that I’m not available later. I’m sorry.”

Her smile faltered. “Oh.”

“Can I get your number?” I asked, however, I remembered that my mobile phone wasn’t with me. “Or I could give you mine.”

She was obviously surprised. She was frozen for a bit, like, she was still processing what I said before she reached for her phone in her pocket before handing it to me.

I felt electricity rushed through me when the tips of our fingers brushed. I know I jerked a bit, I just hope she didn’t notice it.

“I thought you didn’t want to give it to me,” she said.

I punched down my numbers. I really don’t, but now that we’re somehow getting acquainted, it couldn’t be helped.

“Not that I don’t want to, but we had a game. It’s not like I completely got it correct since you ordered Affogato and not Macchiato.” Of course, it was an excuse.

“Fair enough.”

“So, what are you going to have?”

I was expecting her to ask me to take a guess again but she looked briefly up to the menu. I kind of felt disappointed that she wasn’t going to play a game with me, but, yeah I deserved it. I cancelled on her.

“Can’t I have you?” She said.

I blinked. I could feel my cheeks warming up by how smooth it was. 

“Sana…” She was making my heart beat fast again and I had no control over it.

She giggled. “You’re blushing.”

“I-I-I’m not!” I denied, vigorously.

She only laughed. “Hey, I’m just kidding. Chill!”

Damn her! Her audacity to play with me! Why is she being like this? Why is she blatantly flirting with me? Is she gay? Did she like me? Or was she just really playful? She’s so confusing!

I glared at her but she easily ignored it. “I’ll have…” 

“Affogato?” I took a guess.

She chuckled. “Fine, I’ll have that.”

“Again?”

She nodded. “You know me too well.”

No, I don’t. You confuse me.

———

“Finally!” Jisoo exclaimed after I was done with my shift.

“I told you, you can go home and just come back.”

“And I told you, if I went home, my parents might not allow me to leave the house.”

“I didn’t know you’re that desperate to play at the arcade, eh?”

“Of course, it’s been weeks! But hey, since when did you decide to become friendly with the Japanese? I always thought you don’t like them.”

Her question caught me off-guard. I forgot that she was watching us. 

How could I let my guard down? Damn, did she see me blush earlier?

“Uhm… I-I might give her an exception. She’s nice. But don’t tell anyone I said that,” I quickly said.

Jisoo laughed. “Okay. But it’s no big deal. It’s nice that you finally found a single Japanese that is worthy for you to know. Maybe she will help you be more... open-minded and less judgmental.”

I rolled my eyes. “Whatever, Jisoo.”

“It’s really a surprise. And I think I saw you exchange numbers? I mean, she’s friends with Momo and Mina. What if she’s gay too?”

“How can you tell if someone’s gay?” I was surprised by how fast I let out that question. 

But I really wanna know. Sana was confusing.

Jisoo thought for a bit before she shrugged. “I don’t really know. I guess you have to ask.”

“I can’t just ask her that!”

“So, you’re really curious about Sana’s sexuality?” Jisoo was looking at me like she wanted me to spill something.

“Mm... Well... I’m interested in being friends with her so I had to know.”

“Just friends, okay,” she muttered.

“Yah! I’m not gay!”

“Why are you so defensive? I know you’re not but if you only want to be friends with her does her sexuality really matter?”

That made me think. I, honestly, wasn’t sure anymore. Sana was a nice person but being gay was wrong, right? If she was gay. 

“You hated your parents judging you but you’re no different from them,” Jisoo continued and it hit right in the gut. I guess I never learned.

“You know what? Let’s just go. I thought you wanted to play arcade?”

“Of course I do.”

“Then let’s just go. What’s with the talk?”

“I’m just saying.”

I only rolled my eyes at her because there was nothing I could say to defend myself from what she said about me. She was right. 

I’m just like my parents.

“Nayeon, I’m tired of you going home just whenever you want to! You didn’t even go home last night! If you don’t want to go back here, you’re free to leave and stay with your girlfriend! We don’t want a dyke daughter!” I flinched when my dad tugged me hard towards the door. It hurt but I was used to it.

“Fine!” And without a word, I went to my bedroom and went to pack my things. Maybe it was one of the reasons why dad gave me his Corolla so I could leave. 

And I was happy to do so.

I quickly dialed Jennie’s number as soon as I hopped into my car. I wasn’t aware of the hot tears already flowing out of my eyes because all I could think of was how to survive… on my own.

“Jennie, can I sleep over?”

“Jennie?”

I quickly checked the number I dialed when the voice on the other line didn’t sound Jennie at all. 

Oh shit.

I fucking dialed Tozaki’s number. What the hell’s wrong with me?! I quickly ended the call. I have to calm down. My mind was a fucking mess. 

Even if I wanted to stop in a cheap hotel, my money wasn’t enough, I spent it all at the arcade with Jisoo earlier. 

My phone rang and I knew it was Tozaki. I pulled over to the side of the road to answer her. “Hello, I’m sorry--”

“Nayeon?”

“Yes. I’m sorry. I was supposed to call Jennie.” I tried to even my voice.

“Why are you crying?”

Fuck. I quickly wiped my eyes like she was going to see me and briefly blew my nose on the tissue that was stashed in my car before I spoke again. “No, no. I’m not crying.”

“Okay?”

She didn’t sound convinced. But why did she care?

“I’m fine, Tozaki. I have to go now.”

She didn’t answer.

“Sana?” I tried calling.

She spoke but I couldn’t understand a single word she said. 

What the fuck? Did she just speak to me in Japanese? 

“What?” 

“Nothing. Forget it. Goodbye, Nayeon. I really hope you’re okay.” 

“I’m really fine. Thanks. Bye,” I ended the call and let out a long sigh. 

I suddenly felt alone. 

Jennie might always tell me that I’m always welcome to their home but her parents might not really want me there.

My own parents didn’t even want me so why would the others?

A loud banging sound woke me up from my peaceful slumber only to remember that I stayed the night at the school’s parking lot. 

I rolled down the window of my car to face Jisoo.

“Hey,” I said, my voice still groggy from sleep.

“What are you doing out here?” She had an amused look on her face. “And isn’t that what you wore yesterday? Wait--don’t tell me…”

I brushed my hair using my hand and tied it up into a ponytail. “Tell you what?”

“Did you sleep here?” She said, slowly.

I thought of my parents, they were probably happy that I wasn’t there anymore. “Yes, I did.” I raised my chin up and exited my car.

“Have you at least ate?”

My stomach growled. “Well…”

Jisoo checked the time. “Come on, let’s just skip the first period.”

I thanked Jisoo countless times for treating me to breakfast and for accompanying me in the gym’s locker to change clothes. But I wasn’t very grateful that she told Jennie about it. I forgot to tell her to keep her mouth shut.

“Dammit, Im! Why didn’t you call me?” Jennie sounded disappointed and hurt. I felt guilty but she had done so much for me now. 

“I want to at least try to help myself? You’ve done so much for me.”

She scoffed. “Help yourself? And yet you spent all your money on that stupid arcade.”

“Ouch,” Jisoo muttered and Jennie shot her a glare.

“It’s only fair that you treat her to breakfast. You owe her that for asking her to go with you.” She then turned to me. “And you, you know that your salary isn’t enough but you still went with her.”

Jisoo and I kept our heads low. Jennie was younger than us but she acted more mature than us. She was actually more of a mom than my own mother. LOL!

Oh, right, I remember I don’t have a mother anymore.

“Nayeon, you’ll go home with me whether you like it or not,” Jennie continued.

I only nodded, and from the corner of my eye, I spotted Tozaki looking at our table. I wondered about the Japanese phrase she told me last night. 

She didn’t cuss at me, right?

———

I sat with Tozaki during the film viewing at the Audio Visual Room. It was about World War and it was too boring for me to even pay attention.

“Hey,” I mumbled loud enough for her to hear me.

She looked tense for a moment. “Hey, uhm… are you okay?”

I rolled my eyes. “Until when are you going to ask me that? I’m totally fine.”

She didn’t speak and when I took a glance at her, I saw her watching me. I suddenly felt conscious.

“Tozaki?” I muttered.

“Yes?”

“What did you tell me last night? The Japanese phrase?”

“Oh, uhm…” She looked away, turning her attention at the documentary. “Forget it.”

“You didn’t cuss at me, right?”

Her head snapped at me. “Of course not!”

I quickly covered her mouth when her voice raised a bit, thankfully the audio of the movie was louder. We sunk into our seats as we snickered as quietly as possible. 

I didn’t know why we laughed but it was kind of funny.

“Shh…” I touched my index finger to her pointed nose as I continued on snickering. “Keep it low,” I whispered.

She leaned her head closer to mine, I stayed still. “I’m sorry,” she whispered back.

“But, really, what did you tell me?” 

“It’s nothing, really. I promise.”

“Then why can’t you tell me?”

She fiddled with her fingers. “Agree to be my partner in the reaction paper for this documentary and then I’ll tell you.”

I snorted. “Why would you want to be my partner when I didn’t have a single clue what we are watching? And so do you?”

“Then, forget about it.” She then straightened to her seat to focus on the film but I pulled her shoulder back down, slouching.

“Fine, fine. I’ll be your partner,” I said. 

———

Sana went with me to the coffee shop an hour before my shift started, so we could work on our paper (fortunately, coach had a meeting, so we didn’t have training). Mina and Momo also came with us. We had the same history teacher and they shared with us some insights of the film. I couldn’t believe a time would come where I’ll interact with them. 

It was kind of awkward but they were nice. And it’s hard to admit but I thought Momo and Mina looked cute together. However, thirty-minutes after my shift started, they already left.

My gang decided not to hang-out at the coffee shop today after learning that I would be working on an assignment with the Japs. They said they didn’t want to disturb my quality time with my new Japanese friends. But I promised Jennie that I would go to her house after work and after I finished my paper with Sana.

I didn’t expect Jeongyeon and Jihyo to come back here after so many weeks since I saw them here. And to my surprise, Sana waved at them and they waved back and approached her. I didn’t know they knew each other. 

What a small world.

They exchanged brief hugs and messages before I saw Tozaki gesture over to the cashier where I was standing.

Jeongyeon and Jihyo weren't able to mask their surprise after seeing--or maybe learning that Sana was with me. I wonder what they were talking about. Jihyo took a seat beside Sana while Jeongyeon walked over to me. 

I thought she was going to say something when she only told me their orders.

“Two lattes and bagels. Take out.”

I punched in her order and it's when she spoke, “It’s a surprise that you're friends with Sana.” 

“What do you mean by that?”

She only shrugged, “Nothing. It’s just a surprise.

I would make sure to ask Tozaki about her relationship with them.

———

Sana didn’t express any sign of impatience as she waited for my shift to end. She even threw me a smile when I approached her table and asked me if I was tired.

I didn’t expect her to ask but it felt nice. 

“I saw you being friendly with... the girls on St. Mary’s,” I said, sitting down across her.

She beamed. “You know them?”

“Err… yeah.”

“Really? They were my friends back in St. Mary’s. I was from St. Mary’s.”

Now, that was information. “Oh, why did you transfer?”

“Well, I just want to.” I waited for her to continue but she started packing her things.

“Wait, that’s it? You just want to?”

“Uh-huh,” she answered without looking. “How did you know them? Jeongyeon and Jihyo?”

“Uh...,” I was thinking if I should tell her the truth but I decided to be vague about it. “It’s a long story... So, you’re friends with them.”

“Yes. They were fun to be with. I actually missed hanging out with them,” she pouted.

First, Momo and Mina, and then, Jeongyeon and Jihyo. Both are a lesbian couple.

Is it enough telltale sign that she’s also gay? 

Is that why Jeongyeon told me she was surprised to see me with Sana? Is it because she was gay?

“Hey, if you know them, how about we hang out someday?” 

I was quick to shake my head. “No. It’s fine. I don’t really know them. I’m just seeing them when our school and their school will have a match,” I half lied.

I hope Jeongyeon didn’t tell Sana that we were childhood friends. But Sana looked clueless, so maybe, neither of them told any of our history to Sana.

“Oh, I thought you’re kind of acquainted,” Sana asked.

“We--we are not.” And then I remembered she owed me a translation.

“By the way, about the Japanese phrase you told me...”

Sana’s whole demeanor changed after I said that. She was suddenly… how do I explain this… reserved?

“Uh… I’ll tell you later.”

“Later? It’s time to go home.”

“Then, let’s have dinner?”

“Yah! You told me you’ll tell me when I agreed to be your partner in our paper.”

“How about I drive you home and then I’ll tell you.”

“I have my own car.” Sana was acting strange.

“Oh, right, then, uhm... I’ll tell you on our way back,” she continued. I didn’t argue this time. 

We left our cars parked in school since it was only walking distance from here.

“So, about what you told me,” I said on our way back. She was walking a step ahead of me.

“Uhm…” She then stopped walking and faced me, taking a deep breath. “Promise me that you won’t stay away from me after I tell you.”

Oh, damn. This sounded serious. 

It was making me feel nervous. 

Did she tell me that she was gay and that she likes me?

I could feel my heart beating fast as I nodded. “I-I promise,” I said, even raising my right hand to reassure her, although I wasn’t really sure.

She took another deep breath and gulped.

I gulped too, anticipating her next words.

“I… I can see that you don’t really want me asking about you. But I really got a feeling that you’re not okay last night when you called me, mistaking me for Jennie,” she started. 

I could only stare at her. “W-what’s all this about? I-is that what you told me?” 

She shook her head. 

“Then what?” 

“I... I just want to know if you’re really okay but you keep pushing me away.”

“Pushing you away? What are you talking about?”

“I mean, for example, the bruises. I asked about it, but you--”

“It’s personal.”

“And last night…”

“Why do you care?”

We were talking at the same time and I wasn’t sure if we were arguing. It felt like we were. And I didn’t even know why we’re arguing. I mean, who was she for me to tell her what’s going on in my life? We’re not friends. And it’s not like she also told me anything about her life or herself too. I’ve been thinking if she was gay but she wasn’t telling me anything about it. 

I don’t know anything about her at all. We simply didn’t know anything about each other at all.

“Why do you care?” I asked again.

“I don’t know why! But I care about you, Nayeon! I care about you a great deal if you just know.” 

“Why?”

And then the next thing I felt was her lips. 

Sana was kissing me. 

It’s so fast, I’ve never seen it coming. 

I wanted to push her away, but, for a second, my body wasn’t able to function. All I could think about was the feeling of her soft lips touching my lips, the feeling of her cold hands holding my face, and her scent. 

It was over even before I could react, and all I could do was stare at her.

“I’m sorry,” Sana said, looking surprised, like I was the one who kissed her. 

But I did the unthinkable. I pulled her back, crashing my lips onto hers.

She smelled like cherry blossoms and her lips tasted like strawberries.  

I couldn’t sleep that night. I kept thinking about the kiss.

I couldn’t believe I kissed Sana. 

It wasn’t just a simple kiss, it was a real kiss and I found myself wanting more. 

Oh, no. Maybe parents were right all along. I’m gay. But no, I know I’ve always liked guys.

“Hey.” I felt Jennie touch my shoulder. “You okay?” I might’ve woken her up by my tossing and turning.

“I’m sorry for waking you up.” I turned my body around to face her. I didn’t tell her anything about what happened after we left the coffee shop. 

I only told Jennie that the Japs were all nice. I acted like everything was normal as I told her the story even though it was total limbo inside of me.

A limbo called Sana Minatozaki. God I couldn’t stop thinking about her.

“You look restless.”

“I-It’s just—I’m thinking… about life.” Pun intended. “H-how I would survive on my own.” It was partly true and that was what I was supposed to be thinking, and yet here I was, thinking about Sana. However, after I kissed her, I panicked and left her. She called after me but I was too scared to turn around. Too scared of what I might do next. 

Sana called my phone many times but I ignored all of it, turning my phone into silent. She sent me a couple of text messages, apologizing, when it should be me who should apologize because I initiated our second kiss. 

I could’ve pushed her and tell her to stay away from me but I wasn’t able to do any of it.

I just couldn’t. I know I’m getting attached and it’s what feared me. But at the same time, I didn’t want to detach.

I felt my heart jump when Jennie suddenly touched my face. I almost thought she was going to kiss me when she spoke. “How about you move in with us?”

“What? No. I mean, I don’t wanna be a burden.”

“You won’t be. I asked my parents about it and we already talked. It’s a unanimous decision. We’ve been friends since middle school and you’re like my unofficial sister. We’re a family.”

I didn’t know how to feel about it but of course, I was happy. The Kim’s showed me what a family was supposed to be like. 

“Oh, thank you, Jennie!” I pulled her into a tight hug and I couldn’t help but break down.

She was the only good thing life has given me, and also Sana. They were nothing but good to me.

However, I’m still not ready to face Tozaki.

As soon as I saw her approaching my seat, the following day, I was quick to stand up and head over to the blackboard to erase the writings just so I could escape her. However, Sana still followed me and even helped me erase what’s on the board. 

Of course, she could follow me here. Stupid.

“Nayeon, don’t ignore me, please,” I heard her mutter.

“I’m not ignoring you,” I lied, trying my best not to look at her. I feel nervous already just by standing five inches away from her.

“You didn’t answer my calls nor replied to my messages,” she continued.

“Not here please,” I still refused to look at her as I continued erasing non-existent writings on the board.

“Then, let’s—let’s talk later? Away from here?”

Talk? Later—?  

Where and what are we going to talk about? Are we going to talk about how she kissed me? How I kissed her? Why did she do it? Why did I do it?

“Fine.” I found myself saying. 

I knew I had to face this.

Sana asked to meet and talk at the library but I refused and suggested we meet at the parking lot later. 

I didn’t want to have the talk in school. Who knows, someone might hear us.

However, I still have no idea where the best place to do the talk. Because someone we know might spot us together and make up stories about us. I know I was being paranoid but it was better to be safe than sorry.

I didn’t want news to travel to my friends before I could tell them about this, after I figured this out.

———

I told Jennie that I was going to skip my work today and made up an excuse of working on a project with Tozaki. 

“You don’t have to work anymore, Nayeon. We got you covered,” she winked. And I couldn’t be more thankful.

“Jennie made the right choice in asking you to move in with her. Look at how much you changed,” Jisoo teased when I properly introduced Sana to them.

“Shut up,” I said. 

“It’s nice to finally meet you, Sana,” Jennie smiled. “It’s good to see our Nayeon making friends with other people.”

“Not you too, Jennie!”

“I don’t know why, of all people, you chose to be friends with Nayeon-unnie. I’m telling you, you’ll regret it later,” Tzuyu said.

I slightly pulled Sana away from them. “Don’t listen to them, Tozaki.”

But Sana said, “But I think I should.” 

Jisoo laughed. “I like you already!” 

I stared wide-eyed at Sana. I thought she was on my side.

———

Sana suggested we do our talk at her house, she told me her parents were away. I didn’t know what to make of it as to why she said it. It wasn’t like her parents were gonna eavesdrop. And more importantly, she wasn’t insinuating something, right?

Her house was almost as big as Jennie’s but it had a touch of Japanese architecture. It felt homey. She toured me around for a bit before we headed to her bedroom. We’re not gonna do anything here but talk. 

Yep, just talk.

However, as soon as we both sat down on her bed, there seemed to shift in the atmosphere, especially, it was just the two of us in these four walls, covered with a roof, and her bed.

But no, nothing’s gonna happen. We’ll just talk.

“About yesterday, the kiss…” Sana really had to go straight there. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you and Jennie are a thing. If I had only-”

My neck hurt by how hard I tilted my head towards her.

Where did she get that? Jennie and I being a thing?

“Wait! What are you talking about?” I had to stop her before she could continue whatever she was saying.

She blinked, surprised with my reaction. “Uh… well, I- I heard Jisoo said that you moved in with her?”

“Oh.” I laughed. “It’s not like that.”

She looked like she wanted the ground to eat her up by how embarrassed she looked right now. 

She looked so cute.

I just wanted to kiss her.

And to my surprise, I really did! But it was just a quick peck. “I-It’s a long story,” I continued, looking away, blushing.

I couldn’t believe what I just did. 

Get a hold of yourself, Nayeon! 

“So, you didn’t run away because you’re together?” Sana carefully asked.

“We’re not together. I’m not gay,” I blurted.

“You’re not?” She sounded really surprised. But I was to blame, I was the one who kept on kissing her.

I dared myself to look at her and nodded.

I was expecting for her to ask me why I was acting this way if I wasn’t gay but instead, she smiled, like I just told her a joke.

“I’m serious,” I said, trying my best to sound convincing. However, I felt her kiss my lips. It was quick but she didn’t lean her face away after.

“Okay,” she whispered. It seemed like she was waiting for me to either close the gap between us, once again, or lean away from her. 

I fought the urge to kiss her but the temptation was just too great! It’s like she was testing me but she had me under her spell and I couldn’t find it in me to go against it. 

So, when I closed the gap between us, my body shivered, and I melted.

Soon, my senses were filled with the scent of cherry blossoms and taste of strawberries.

We’re kissing like our life depended on it.

This was so different from our first kiss, which only happened yesterday. And I have never been kissed like this before. 

I inhaled sharply when I felt Sana’s tongue graze my upper lip causing me to part my lips. And she took the opportunity to dart it inside my mouth while pulling my hair as she deepened our kiss. 

“Mmm…” I moaned. 

Soon I felt her guide me on top of her and it’s when her lips started traveling down my neck. 

Her kisses sent delicious electricity down my body, especially when I felt her bite a particular skin on my neck. Her hands were all over and I love how she was touching me. 

“Oh!” I let out another moan.

But as much as I didn’t want her to stop but no! This isn’t happening! This is wrong!

“Oh, no, stop!” I held both of her shoulders to stop her. Her hair was a mess, her cheeks were pink, and her eyes… they were dark.

“Stop,” I breathed. I was breathing hard and I didn’t want to imagine how I might look right now.

“Did-did I do something wrong?” She asked.

‘Yes! What we’re doing is wrong!’ I wanted to tell her but I didn’t want her to stay away from me because of my homophobic tendencies. It was complicated.

“No. It’s just—I’m not g-gay, Sana” I pushed some hair away off her face, putting it behind her ear. Realizing what I was doing, and that I was still sitting on top of her, I was quick to my feet.

“I’m sorry for-for all of these. I have to go,” I brushed my hair as my poor attempt to fix myself before bolting out of the door.

“Nayeon, wait!”

I literally ran when I saw her coming after me. “Sana, let’s just forget all these.”

“Nayeon, stop. Please! Let’s talk!”

I didn’t stop but she was fast to reach for my arm. And I had no choice but to face her.

“I’m sorry, Sana.” I’m glad I said that. She deserved an apology.

She took both of my hands. “I understand that you’re scared, Nayeon. But please, please, don’t push me away. I’m willing to wait until you’re ready.” She took a step closer, raising my hands close to her lips. I thought she was going to kiss it but she didn’t. I ignored the feeling of disappointment in the pit of my stomach.

“I’m not going to push you away.” I knew I was going soft, but it’s hard to fight whatever this is.

A huge smile appeared on her lips. “Really?”

I nodded. “But, please understand that—”

“You’re not gay,” she continued for me. 

I nodded again.

“Okay? But…” she hesitated.

“But?” 

She put our hands down but she didn’t let go. “Do you want me to stop?”

Stop? Do I want her to stop?

Oh god, what should I answer? Do I want her to stop?

“No. I mean, yes.” I felt like lying. But this was the right thing. 

“Oh.” Her smile disappeared and I felt her letting go of me but I didn’t let her. I took hold of her hands. 

“But you know we can be friends, right?”

Sana only looked down on our hands and I hate how she looked right now. I was such an asshole for doing this to her.

“Sure,” she said briefly, lifting the corner of her lips in her poor attempt to smile.

Damn, I want to kiss her so bad.  

“Thanks, Nayeon.”

“F-for what?” 

“For still being friends. For not… running away.”

But she didn’t look thankful at all and I didn’t feel happy. But again, this was the right thing to do. I convinced myself for the last time.

PART III

Sana and I had exchanged a number of friendly messages to each other over the weekend. It’s good that after what (almost) happened in her room, nothing seemed to change, or so I thought. 

When I saw Tozaki in the classroom, I wasn’t sure if I should greet her, or give her a wave. But, maybe, I should at least smile at her. 

However, Sana was busy talking to Wendy to even notice me. And I noted how Wendy was all smiles talking to her with whatever they were talking about. They were even laughing.

Hmph. 

I wasn’t jealous. It was probably just my ego. But whatever. It’s good that she was talking to another girl, at least she would stop crushing on me and I could stop being gay. 

But wait, I realized she didn’t really tell me that she liked me. We just kissed and then I told her that we should stop. It wasn’t really a clear indication that she liked me. It was only an indication that she was gay.

And I’m supposed to stay away from gay people.

I tried my best to ignore them and head straight to my seat. However, I couldn’t help but watch her from afar.

Sana continued talking to Wendy and they looked happy with how they were laughing. I wondered what they were talking about. Sana wasn’t like that with me. 

I sighed, looking away. I shouldn’t let this affect me. I already made a decision. 

“Hi.” I didn’t realize Sana had already approached me. 

And I hate how my heart thudded by that simple hi. But I tried my best to look indifferent when I looked up to her.

“Hey,” I said. Tozaki took Youngjae’s empty seat, pulling it next to mine before she settled beside me. I tried to ignore the feeling of giddiness, that I had no control over.

“Can we hang-out later?” Sana asked.

“Oh, uhm…”

“Don’t worry, it’s just a friendly hang-out.”

I blinked. I never expected her to say something like that. And I, honestly, didn’t like how it sounded. But all I could say was, “sure.”

My eyes accidentally looked down on her lips and I stopped myself from biting or licking my own. But my body had to react from the sight and the memory of how it felt against mine and how it tasted. I gulped.

This is bad. This is so bad. 

I quickly looked away. “Uhm… but I have volleyball practice later,” I said. I didn’t want to downright reject her. I’m afraid that I’d just kiss her if I’m left alone with her.

“It’s okay. It’ll be an opportunity for me to take some shots of your practice,” Sana replied.

Oh, right. She’s the school’s photographer.

“Oh, I see,” I forced a smile. This was going to be bad. 

———

Jennie had a playful smirk after I told her that I’d be going with Sana and lied about a Physics project. 

“You seem to be doing a lot of projects lately.”

“Uh…” I hate how I got tongue-tied. I didn’t know how to answer her. Of course, she would notice my frequent hanging-out with Sana.

“Does your Physics project include potential energy and kinetic energy?” Jennie continued. We’re on our way to the parking lot. I told Sana to wait for me there. 

Jennie’s question sounded like it has an underlying meaning. I wasn’t sure though. 

I still couldn’t answer her when she leaned and whispered. “I thought I figured.”

“Figured. F-figured what?” I swallowed.

Oh god. What had she figured out?

Jennie was looking at me. She still had a small smile on her lips but there was a look of understanding. “You’ve mentioned her name last Saturday night while you’re sleeping.”

“W-who?” I didn’t know I was sleep talking.

“Sana. You’re together last Friday, and then there’s the mark on your neck.”

Mark? What mark? 

I absentmindedly touched my neck. 

“I know it’s a kiss mark. I connected the dots,” she continued.

Kiss mark?!!! Sana left me a kiss mark? How did I not notice it?

I shook my head. “No. You’re mistaken—” 

“It’s okay, Nayeon.”

“I-it’s a mistake.” My voice was shaking and I could feel my chest tightening.

Jennie put a comforting hand on my shoulder. “It’s okay, Nayeon. I’ll always love you no matter who you are.”

“I’m not gay, Jennie.” I insisted before walking away.

I spotted Tozaki, leaning on her car and playing with her phone when I arrived at the parking lot. 

Am I gay?

I didn’t know what’s true anymore and who I was.

Am I gay?

“Hey,” I said, leaning beside her. Sana was quick to close her game.

“Why did you stop? It’s okay,” I said. And our eyes met when she looked at me.

Am I gay?

“I was going to lose anyway.” She leaned off her car. “Shall we?”

Am I gay?

———

Sana let me choose where to eat this time. And since Mr. and Mrs. Kim was generous in giving allowance, I took the chance to finally eat at the ramen restaurant I’ve always wanted to try.

“Let me pay for our food,” I said while we wait for our order. “I still feel like I owe you something.”

Sana chuckled. “Don’t be ridiculous. Let’s split the bill.”

“No. Let me do this.”

“You really wanted to pay, huh?”

“Well, I got money and I’m feeling generous,” I shrugged.

“Don’t waste all your savings. It’s final. We’ll split the bill.”

“It’s not my savings. The money was from Jennie’s parents.” I decided to at least share something about myself with her. 

“Jennie’s parents gave you money?” She slowly asked.

“I moved in with them, remember?”

Sana was looking at me. She looked jealous? I’m not sure. Why would she be jealous?

“Why are you looking at me like that?” I asked.

“Should I be jealous of Jennie?”

I felt my cheeks heat up. “Yah, I told you it’s not like that. And I’m not… what you think I am.”

She smirked, crossing her arms. “I am honestly finding that hard to believe.”

“I… I know.” I looked down on my lap. I didn’t know why I kept on lying.

But I’m thankful that Sana already dropped the subject.

———

“I told you I got money!” I’m so annoyed that Sana still split our bill after we ate. 

“Calm down, Nayeon. You’re acting like a kid. I believe you. I’m just uncomfortable letting you pay for all of it.”

I sighed. “I just wanted to repay your kindness, that’s why it frustrates me that you didn’t let me. You didn’t have second thoughts fixing my car without asking for something in return and lending me money for the battery and even giving me big discount.”

“It’s just money. It’s a small thing. You don’t have to repay me. And I didn’t even break a sweat fixing your car.” 

Oh, I could still remember how sweaty she was (but in a hot way).

“For you, it might be small. But for me, it really means a lot. I’m honestly so broke that time and you’re not the person I was expecting to help me.”

Sana took a step closer to me. “Watashi wa anata ga suki dakara.”

There she was again, speaking a language I don’t understand. “What?”

“Maybe you’re just lucky that I happen to like you.” Then a smile slowly appeared on her face, the smile that always swept me over more than I wanted to admit. 

And the way she was looking at me was giving me butterflies in my stomach.

Did she just confess to liking me? 

And even before I could respond, which I doubt I could, Sana reached for my hand, entwining our fingers. 

“Let’s get you home. It’s getting late.”

“Wait.” I felt the need to say something. But the words that left my mouth was, “Thank you… for everything.”

She only smiled and nodded.

When we entered her car, she asked me why I moved in with the Kim family. 

And I trust her enough to tell her about it. “It’s a long story, are you okay to listen?”

“I’m willing to listen.”

“Let’s not talk here.” We’re still in the parking lot of the ramen restaurant. 

She then started her car and drove to the outskirts of town.

I wasn’t familiar where we were, but like I said, I trust her.

She stopped at an elevated place where we could see the city lights from afar. It was breathtaking.

“How did you learn this place?” I asked. We didn’t need to exit the car to see the view. 

“I like to drive around,” she simply answered and she lowered the roof of her convertible so we could see the stars.

Oh my God.

Everything about this was so romantic. But we’re not lovers. I didn’t know what to do with this atmosphere.

“Beautiful isn’t it?” She muttered.

“Yeah,” I answered, in a daze, looking at her.

Sana was just as breathtaking as the view.

We were silent for a moment before I heard Sana talk. “If you moved in with the Kim family, then, it makes Jennie like your sister.”

I smiled. “Uh-huh, something like that.” I looked back at the city lights. 

“That’s a relief.”

I couldn’t help but giggle. “You’re still jealous, huh? Jennie is my best friend. We only see each other as sisters, nothing more.”

“That’s nice.” I could hear a smile in her voice.

“She knows almost everything about me as much as I do with her. But compared to us, she knows me more. Whenever I run away from home—”

“You ran away?”

I nodded, looking at her. “My parents, they hate me.”

Sana frowned in concern. “Why?”

“I’m not really sure.” 

I was quiet for a moment as I thought about why they might not like me. But I had never felt the love from them 

“If you’re not comfortable telling me, it’s okay.”

I shook my head. “I wanna tell you. You asked before about my bruises.”

Sana nodded.

“It’s my parents. They love to hit me. Especially my dad. They were never proud of me. They would always insult me, call me names. Judge me, especially of being gay. They always assumed that Jennie and I are lovers. And that we will rot in hell. And you know what? My mom hates your kind. She said that you should not be allowed to enter this country because of what the Japs did to our fellow Koreans, back in the world war. My great great grandma was a comfort woman during those times.”

“But that’s a long time ago and it’s war. Nothing good happens in war,” Sana defended.

“You’re right. But honestly, I was wary to talk with you people because of that.”

Sana hummed, like she realized something. “That’s why I’m getting a feeling that you don’t seem to like me.”

“I really don’t like you.”

“Ouch.”

“I mean at first! But I was wrong to judge you.”

“What? Why? Are you, like, thinking that I’d make you my comfort woman?” She blurted, making me imagine inappropriate things.

I could feel my body warming up.

Sana might’ve seen the look on my face, and she quickly apologized. “I’m sorry that sounded so wrong.”

“It’s okay. I know how it feels to be judged by something you’re not.” But now I couldn’t erase the comfort woman idea on my mind. 

What the fuck’s wrong with me?!

I exhaled, along with the inappropriate thoughts I was having of Sana, I went to continue with my story. “To make my story short, my parents made me choose to stay or to move out. But I can tell that they really want me gone so I chose to move out. Besides, I don’t think I can stay with them any longer.”

“You made the right choice. I think I should thank Jennie for taking care of you,” she smiled.

It made me feel giddy.

“By the way, you told me that they insulted you and called you gay?” She asked.

“Yeah. And I don’t know why. I mean, I’m not gay. They started insulting me when they noticed that I kept on staying with Jennie the whole summer. They had always been homophobic and... I’m honestly one. But it all changed when I met—”

I stopped before I could reveal everything. 

But she was quick to pick it up. “When you met me.”

I could only stare at her and I could feel my heart beating hard. I then looked away, staring down my lap, fiddling with my fingers.

“I’m…” I gulped and my heart just kept beating harder and harder. “You… since we…” 

I tensed when I felt Sana reached for my cold hands. I wasn’t sure what I was trying to say. But I wanted to tell her how I feel. To let her know. But I wasn’t sure. It was frightening. Besides, she might not believe me anyway. I just told her, many times, that I wasn’t gay. 

However, I know it wasn’t entirely true. Especially now that I’m having these feelings for her.

There’s a greater chance that she would help me with this but it was still scary.

“Nayeon,” she called. And her voice sounded so comforting and all I could do was to lean over to her as she held me close.

I didn’t know how long we stayed like that but I didn’t really mind.

It felt like it’s just us in this vast world. And having that idea, brought out peace within me. 

Being locked in her arms like this, made me feel shielded from the things that scared me in exploring an uncharted territory within me that I didn’t know existed.

PART 4

How to know you’re gay?

Enter. 

After the time I spent with Sana somehow answered my question if I was gay. But I still couldn’t be so sure. So, I decided to ask Google. I don’t care if I was doing this research inside the classroom.

I went and clicked on a random site. 

“I’ve always kind of known but I kept it in because I didn’t think my family would be supportive. But then in high school, I met this girl and we started dating secretly. After that, there was no going back, and I eventually came out. Being with her was worth the scariness of coming out to my parents.”

I sighed. This was so close to my current situation. But I hope it was that easy overcoming that fear. 

I clicked on several other results, I wasn’t sure what I was really looking for. But it simply said that being gay was being sexually and/or romantically attracted to the same sex and no one could answer it but myself.

Very helpful, as if I didn’t know that. But they were right, only I could answer that.

I sighed, brushing my hair up.

...sexually and/or romantically attracted to the same sex.

The kiss I shared with Sana back at her house made me feel something down my body I’d never felt before and I’m not going to deny that. However, I wasn’t sure if the feeling was just sexual or if it was more than that.

I didn’t feel this way towards Jisoo, Tzuyu, and Jennie. I’ve never found myself wanting to kiss them. 

Or maybe I just need to get myself a boyfriend?

Soon, I felt someone behind me. However, even before I could turn around, that someone covered my eyes.

“Guess who?”

I smiled, biting my lip to prevent myself from laughing. She somehow put an effort to change her voice but there was no mistaking that cherry blossom scent I’ve grown to like.

I held her hand that was covering my eyes. “What would I get if I guessed right?”

I felt her lean closer, and for that moment I forgot that we were inside the classroom and was probably being watched. 

“What do you want?”

My heart pounded by the idea of earning a kiss from this silly little game but I didn’t voice it out. 

“I’ll think about it later, Minatozaki Sana.”

“Ugh, how did you know it was me?”

“Duh.” 

She giggled and took off her hands and it’s when I saw some of our classmates looking at us and remembered where we were.

My body instinctively moved away from Sana. But I was inhibited by my desk. 

“Uh… w-what do you want Tozaki?” My smile was gone.

And to my horror, she answered, “You.” 

“Don’t be weird!” I stood up. I was scared someone heard her.

She blinked. I could see that she was bewildered by my sudden attitude. But she should understand, this was all new to me and I never realized how scary it was. 

“I-I’m sorry,” she said.

I didn’t even know what I’m doing or how I should act. I took a wary glance around and they had stopped giving their minds to us and Sana had returned to her seat.

I let out a breath, taking a quick glance at her. 

I felt really bad about what I did but I wasn’t ready to be seen all lovey-dovey with a girl, unless it was just us.

I took my phone and typed her a message.

[To: Tozaki:]

I didn’t mean to act like that.

They are looking.

I watched her read it and I thought she was going to ignore it. But to my relief, I saw her typing a reply. 

I sat still and waited.

[Tozaki:]

I understand.

Thank God.

However, Sana didn’t approach me anymore since I called her weird. We also stopped texting.

It had been three days. And it was my fault. She must’ve been really offended. 

I wanted to properly apologize but I didn’t know how to approach her. Sana could look intimidating when she looked serious.

So, all I could do was stare at her from afar.

I watched her recite and answer Ms. Han’s, our literature professor, questions. 

And she answered intelligently, as always.

Oh, God, I miss her.

I missed talking to her. I missed staring at her up close. I missed her innuendos. I missed her smile. I missed her laugh. I missed holding her hand.

I missed her lips to mine.

“Nayeon.”

I blinked when I heard my name being called, breaking me from my reverie. I straightened from my seat. “Y-yes?”

Ms. Han was telling me something but I didn’t catch it well. And to my utter confusion, the class howled in happiness and Ms. Han looked amused.

“What do you wanna tell him?” I heard her say.

Him ? Who was she referring to? What’s going on? 

“Uhm… who?” I asked.

“I saw you looking at Jaebum.”

What? I took a glance at Jaebum and I felt my cheeks heat up, realizing that Sana was just sitting behind him. Thus, the presumption.

My eyes met Sana but she quickly looked away. The action caused a pang in my chest. She hates me now. 

I remembered the times I caught her stealing glances my way. And look at how the tables had turned. 

I looked back to Ms. Han, shaking my head. “I-I wasn’t.”

“Don’t lie to me. If you don’t want to get caught staring at your crushes—”

“I’m not staring at Jaebum. I was staring at Sa--someone but it’s not him.” I stood up from my seat. I didn’t know what I was doing but I just felt the need to stop her from saying things that weren't true. 

“That’s not the point here. The point is you should be focusing on the lecture. Now, sit down.”

Ugh. Fine.

Sana hates me. And it’s making me lose my mind.

I have to stop being scared. I have to be brave if I didn’t want to lose her.

Or maybe I should just let, whatever this was, go. It was easier and ideal.

Besides, feelings change most of the time. Just look at Tozaki. She was attracted to me yesterday and then the following day she was ignoring me.

She said she understood but why was she not talking to me?

I knew for sure, these feelings I have for her will pass just like how her feelings for me changed.

I closed my eyes and prayed that she’d stop running in my head.

Jennie asked us to go to the Lotte World this Saturday. And an idea just popped into my mind. 

And I realized it’s not the right time to give up just yet.

“What are we going to ride first?” Jisoo asked, hooking my arm as we both skipped like children.

“Gyro drop!” I exclaimed and Jisoo let go of me.

“You’re crazy!” And everyone agrees. But I really have to do this.

It’s time to face my fears if I didn’t want to lose Sana.

I swallowed seeing the Gyro drop from afar, but this was now or never and I would regret it if I didn’t do this. “Fine then, I’ll ride on my own.”

“We could ride the roller coaster but that,” Jennie reasoned.

“But I want to ride it.”

“Fine, let her go alone,” Tzuyu said.

“But don’t leave me while I ride it, please?” I pleaded.

“No. You go alone. We also want to enjoy,” Jisoo answered. My pout wasn’t working on them.

“Fine,” I scoffed. “Why am I not surprised? People are good at leaving anyway,” I muttered and I felt really bitter especially because Sana came to mind.

Hmph!

But if she happened to be here with me, would she ride the Gyro Drop with me even if she was scared?

“What are you talking about? It’s just a ride,” Jisoo laughed. “And it’s not like we’re going to be far.”

“Fine, I’ll stay with you but I’m not going to ride it,” Jennie said and I felt bad. 

Jisoo was right, they should have fun too.

“No, go have fun. I’m just kidding. I’ll be fine by myself.” But after saying that, they all decided to go with me.

I wasn’t reversing psychology with them, but at least it worked.

I kept myself from looking down when I felt that we were ascending.

I should not think and just enjoy the ride. I wasn’t here to be scared. 

Fear would only stop you from enjoying things and being happy.

Fear was an illusion. It wasn’t true.

This ride wasn’t scary. It’s going to be worth it.

Oh my God. Even if I wasn’t looking down I still could see the structure getting smaller as we go higher.

There’s no backing down, I’m on the top now. 

Just enjoy this ride, it’s gonna be—

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!”

———

After my Lotte World date with my friends, in which we rode all the rides that scared us, I started listing down the things that scared me.

Little by little, I started facing them. 

First on my list was to face my fear of lizards. And to be able to face it, I should at least make it lose its tail by touching it, which I did. But I wasn’t going to do it ever again.

Second on my list was horror movies. So I watched some alone at night in my own room that they provided for me-I thanked Mr. and Mrs. Kim endlessly and Jennie helped me decorate it. 

However, watching a horror movie alone at night caused me to have a hard time sleeping.

Which only ended with me thinking of Sana.

I thought of texting her which I almost did. 

Maybe I should have but I didn’t.

So, I added it to my list: SANA MINATOZAKI. In all capital letters. It was the scariest. So, I put it on the top list. 

I have to prepare for it.

———

In school, I was actually scared of going to the history section of the library, where Momo and Mina had seen making out. Because not only it was dark but also it looked old and creepy like someone’s watching you. So, during free time, I decided to go there. 

Jennie, Jisoo, and Tzuyu gave me questioning looks but I told them it was for a project.

Jennie teased me by asking casually if I would be with Sana. 

Sigh. How I wish.

But it was the reason why I’m doing this face-your-fear project, so I could be brave enough to be with her.

Oh, if Sana only knew the things I was doing for her!

I wasn’t the type of doing these pathetic things just because I was attracted to someone. I was better than that. 

But Sana was making me lose it and I had no control over this! 

I took a deep breath as I found myself getting closer to the history section. My body became more rigid as I took a step further. And it was getting harder to move and to breathe.

I gulped and my feet skidded to a stop. I couldn’t do this. 

But Sana was at stake here. 

What if one day she happened to need my help in a place that I was scared of, like the history section of the library.

I clenched my fists. I need to face this.

Maybe I’m going crazy, I don’t know.

Taking a deep breath, I took another step, and another, having an illusion of seeing Sana by the end of this. 

Having that thought had me going.

The end of it was nothing but shelves of history books, old encyclopedias, and dictionaries that weren’t obviously given much attention anymore. It was kind of dark here and the only source of light was through the dusty windows and the lights from the lighted section of the library. I looked up to look for a single fluorescent but only found a, probably, burnt-out one.

I realized it wasn’t scary here after all. It was all just my imagination, however, I still couldn’t erase a somewhat eerie feeling here. 

I decided not to stay any longer.

“How’s your field trip to the library?” Jennie teased on our way home.

“It’s not a field trip. I went there for a purpose.”

“You surely took fast for someone browsing for a research reference in history.”

“Well, it’s not in the library.”

“Just tell me you got lazy. And, who still looks for reference in a library when you can just Google it?”

The swimming pool caught my attention when we got home.

However, I didn’t know how to swim because I was scared of water. 

When I was a child, I saw a shark bit a human on TV and since then I grew a fear of deep waters because of the thought of sharks. Even though learning lately that it was just the Jaws movie, it still scared me.

I decided I’d work on my Calculus assignment later after I face my fear of dipping in the water.

This project was more important and time was running. I should get back to Tozaki before it's too late.

Thankfully, there were only a few lesbians or bi girls in school, almost to none so I still got a bigger chance of getting back to her.

But it still wasn’t a guarantee, because look at what she did to me. She made me realize I wasn’t as straight as I thought I was. 

And look at her, she was cute, pretty, smart, kind, fun to be with, and she could be hot.

There’s no doubt she could get both girls and boys.

Sigh. I should stop daydreaming about her and take action. 

I went over to my dresser to look for a bathing suit only to realize that I didn’t have any. 

Right, because I don’t swim. I only dangle my legs in the water and for a short period of time.

And then I remembered Jennie. I’m going to borrow from her.

I was about to leave my room when my phone dinged. 

I decided to read it later. But it dinged again and for the third time.

Dang it!

I ran back to my room, frantically, and took my phone with me as I made my way to Jennie’s room. However, after reading the name of the sender, I stopped on my tracks.

Sana Minatozaki texted me.

I could literally feel my heart beating wildly inside my chest. I was afraid it was going to explode.

[Tozaki:]

You left your Calculus book in the classroom.

And I remembered we have an assignment there.

.

So, I brought it.

.

I’m in front of your gate.

Oh. My. God. 

Sana texted me. 

And she was in front of our house!

Sana was here. 

Waiting for me.

And she got my Calculus book.

Without wasting any second, I ran to the front gate.

Sana looked shocked when she saw me. I wondered if she missed me.

“H-hey,” I coughed.

But instead of greeting me back, she walked closer to me. 

I thought she was going to hug me when her hand reached for my top and it’s when I realized I hadn’t buttoned back the few buttons of my top. I unbuttoned it as I looked for a swimsuit.

“Why is it unbuttoned?” She hissed as her hand clumsily put them together.

I felt my cheeks heat up and in an instinct, my hands also reached for the buttons of my top causing our hands to brush to each other - mild electricity crawled down to my body.

“I’m sorry. I was about to dress up when you text,” I answered. 

However, to my disappointment, she let go and stepped back.

“Why are you outside? Why didn’t you click the doorbell? The maids would have opened the gates for you,” I continued.

“I just came here to bring this to you.” She then pulled my book out from the constraints of her upper arm and gave it to me.

I hesitantly took it because I didn’t want her to leave yet. “Thanks.”

“No problem.”

“Why don’t you come inside?” Please say yes.

“Uh… it’s fine. I have to go. I still have things to do.”

“Oh, okay. I-I’m sorry for the bother. Thanks, again.”

She only nodded. “Be careful on your way back not to step on anything sharp.”

I looked down on my feet. To my excitement, I ran here barefooted and almost half-naked.

How pathetic Nayeon.  

“Uh, r-right. Thanks.”

I watched her walk away.

Don’t just watch her, do something!

“Sana, wait!”

She stopped and turned to me, and in an impulse, I planted a kiss on her cheek.

She looked surprised from what I did. I could see her cheeks going pink and all I could do was bite my lips to prevent myself from smiling.

“B-bye, Sana. Take care,” I hastily said and quickly ran back inside.

———

When I got back to my room, I jumped and squealed like a crazy girl. It felt like another me, possessed me, making me do what I did.

But it doesn’t matter anymore. 

What mattered was I did something!

I then took my list of fears to face and crossed all of it, leaving Sana Minatozaki’s name.

And it’s because I’m scared of losing her the most. 

———

“What are you doing here?”

Right after I got dressed, I contemplated what I should do next, thanks to accidentally leaving my Calculus book behind, Sana finally talked to me. 

Yeah, it wasn’t really a talk, it’s just her bringing my book to me. But she had thought of me! I mean, she could’ve just left it but she didn’t. Maybe I still got a shot. Maybe she didn’t hate me completely, yet. Maybe she still cared.

And it’s my turn to show her that I care too. To let her know that I didn’t mean calling her weird, that I was just scared.

But not anymore. 

It’s what my face-your-fear-project was for.

So, I bravely went to her house and used our Calculus assignment as an alibi.

“I-I’m wondering if we could work together on our Calculus assignment?” I said. 

“So, I’m not weird anymore?”

I looked down, avoiding her eyes. I felt so guilty. “I’m so sorry for saying that. I was scared.”

“What do you want, Nayeon? What do you want from me?” I’ve never seen her this upset. I hated it.

“I want you,” I blurted and I had no plans of taking it back. It’s time to be honest.

Sana just stared at me, like she was trying to read me. “Really?”

Voiding myself from any thoughts, I took a step forward, reaching for her face. I was almost afraid that she was going to take a step back but she didn’t.

“What are you doing?” She asked.

“I’m following my heart.” After saying those words, I reached for her lips.

And oh god, how I missed kissing her.

She didn’t move at first, but it didn’t stop me from kissing her until I felt her lips move, kissing me back. 

“I missed you,” Sana whispered after we broke away. 

I pressed my forehead to hers. “I missed you too.”

“You’re so unfair, I thought you’re not gay?” 

I bit my lip. And the way she caressed my face made me weak.

“That’s what I thought.” I leaned away so I could look at her properly. “But when you became distant to me, I realized a lot of things.”

“And those things are?”

“First,” I gave her another kiss. “I realized I’m scared of losing you. Second,” and then another. “I realized I’m not straight.”

She chuckled. “I knew it.”

“And I realized, I like you too.” I leaned in again, kissing her properly this time. 

“Just be more honest with me from now on,” Sana said in between our kisses.

“I’m really sorry for calling you weird. I panicked when I saw them looking.” 

“It’s okay, Nayeon. I understand.” She leaned away to look at me. Her hands on my face. “I know how scary this is for you. I was scared too, before.”

I pouted. “If you understood then why did you ignore me?”

“Well, I thought that maybe I should stop forcing myself to you. I was trying to move on.”

“H-have you? Moved on, I mean?”

Sana stared at me for a bit before shaking her head. “It’s hard.”

Oh, thank god.

“Do you still… like me?”

She smiled and brushed a hair behind my ear. “I still like you. Calling me weird is not enough if you want me to hate you.”

“Don’t ever hate me.” 

“Believe me, I tried.”

“Sana!” I slapped her arm.

She only giggled. “Do you know why I transferred school?”

I tried recalling why. I’m sure she had told me the reason before. “It’s because you want to?”

“You remembered!” She grinned. “There’s a reason why I wanted to.”

“Why?” 

She answered a simple, “You.”

I blinked in surprise. “Me?” 

She nodded.

“Y-you knew me?” I felt myself blushing from the thought of Sana knowing me way before. But how?

“Not really. I just saw you in one of the Homecoming games. And you can say that-this may sound cliché-but it’s love at first sight.”

“No way!” I felt my whole body turn hot from giddiness.

“Uh-huh. I know it’s hard to believe. But it’s true. That’s why I couldn’t believe that we’ll be classmates. And that, someday, you’ll be here in my arms,” she had an easy smile on her face.

“Oh, Sana, please don’t play with me. I’d hate you.”

“I’m serious. Really!” She raised both of her hands, letting go of me. “I promise!”

I snorted and pulled her back to me. “Thank god, my beauty got your attention.”

She laughed. “Oh, no!”

“Shut up!” And to make her shut up, I kissed her lips. 

Who knew my heart would beat this crazy to a Japanese girl?

x-End-x