Work Text:
For Seoho, love is many things. Love is when his parents bought him his own toys. Love is when his sister would play with him and lull him to sleep. Love is when his grandparents would take him out during weekends and let him buy science related books that he would just stack on his almost full shelf because he’s too young to understand. For him, family is love.
Seoho started schooling and his meaning of love changed. For his preschool self, love is when his first ever crush smiles at him and greets him good morning and goodbye. Love is when he gets to talk and make his crush laugh. Love is when his crush plays with him and their classmates in the school playground. Seoho thought that love is when you feel happy around someone.
Seoho is now in primary school, and his definition of love is yet to change. He is already 9 years old and in his 4th grade. He still carries around his belief of “love is when you look at someone and feel your heart beat fast.” That’s why his crushes would change every year, every month, and every week even. He decides he likes them because of his heartbeat. The thing is, all of them liked him back. Who wouldn’t? His eye smile, good looks, and personality would do the job for him.
So when he attended middle school, he thought he was ready to be in a “relationship” just like the others. He decided that he should confess to his crush, the only one he liked for years, and ask her to be his girl. The feelings he had for her were not just mere feelings. He knows that he likes, no, loves her even. He’d spend his day thinking about her. He’d spend his day with her, dropping bits of motives, letting her know how he feels at least.
He thought it all out. He pondered ways on how he’ll confess; plotting scenarios in his mind. The day he was waiting for approached, and like any other romantic, Seoho did it on Valentine’s Day. But quite the opposite happened, the lovely scenarios he imagined: none of them happened. He got rejected. For the first time. The kind and charming Lee Seoho got rejected publicly by his crush. He went home feeling sad and disappointed. He prepared for this day; he even bugged her sister to pick his clothes and style his hair. He stayed up until 10 pm last night trying to pour his heart out on his confession letter, but it all boiled down to this: him getting rejected.
So much for his first heartbreak, Seoho thought to himself. He then swore that he wouldn’t like someone too much and go through immense efforts for them. Love isn’t what it seems to be after all. Love can hurt you, make you feel sad, disappointed, and heartbroken.
Then here comes the high schooler Seoho, with his picturesque face that is starting to mature and his personality still the same. But now, he isn’t someone who wears his heart on his sleeve. He focused on excelling his classes more and trying out different things: like joining different clubs and sports. Lucky for him, he can manage it. Being an athletic achiever is surely one of the many things Seoho can be proud of.
Throughout his highschool years, he completely set aside the idea about liking someone and wanting to be in a relationship again. It’s not like he can’t – with all the girls that are completely head over heels with him– it’s kind of impossible for him to be single, but he just doesn’t want to have feelings for someone again. Yet. Maybe it was because of his past attempt in relationships. It still brings embarrassment and a bit of sadness every time he remembers it, but he thought it was for the better.
After all, love isn’t something to rush. It isn’t something to mistake as infatuation. Love is more intense and meaningful than just a passing admiration for someone.
He wished he realized it earlier, though.
But it looks like fate has different plans for Lee Seoho. The emotion he wants to avoid suddenly became part of his life again.
The voice of their literature professor that was explaining the topic and rubrics of their disquisition dissolved into thin air; Seoho barely catching up on his words. He fell into a turmoil of emotions he was trying to keep in. He started doubting his life choices again. He doesn’t even know why he took Literature as a subject alongside his Bachelor of Applied Sciences course; as if he’s not barely keeping his head above the water. But because of this term paper, he suddenly wanted to drop out– for the sake of his heart and sanity. It feels like he’s exaggerating but after all he went through, love is out of his vocabulary now. For now.
Yet in spite of his clouded judgement, he still couldn’t find himself doing it. All the experiences and feelings that were over and done with came crashing down during the late night– forcing him to empty his heart out again after years of not bothering to. Though that would be quite difficult, he doesn’t even want to reminisce about his past; why would he even write about it for some stranger to read? So he wanted to opt for a safer and more sane way; by making it up. Will I do it?
––––
Seoho was raised by his parents with love. They taught him that love is what makes a person. It can change you for the better or for worse. They used to tell him stories about what kind of person they were before they fell in love with each other. It’s pretty hard to believe at first, that her gentle mom used to be hot tempered and impatient; and his dad was very much the same, still likes to tease and annoy his mom, but this time more mature. Seoho loves how his parents’ dynamics fit so much.
He never saw his parents get heated over something so petty, let alone be indifferent with each other. Sure, they argue about trivial things sometimes, but it always ends up with them sighing and laughing over their pointless bickering. He wants that kind of relationship like them, too.
He grew up watching his parents snuggle against each other in the living room after working all day. He would hear them whisper to each other about how their day went and some sweet whatnots. He always thought it was nice to have someone you could tell about what happened on your day.
“When I grow up, I want to experience that too. How nice it is to share and ramble about your daily life with someone, and them listening fondly to you like it was some sort of bedtime story that they wouldn’t get tired of hearing.”
––––
Every time their family goes to their grandparents’ ancestral house to have a sleepover, Seoho would always sneak out in the middle of the night, around his usual bedtime. And when his sister and cousins are all tucked in bed and sleeping soundly, he would tiptoe his way to his grandparents’ room. He tries to stay quiet as he watches them stare at each other lovingly, like their eyes stole the stars from the night sky– seeing how it glistened with unspoken words only they know of; shining with what they feel for each other; as they slowly dance to their wedding theme song.
That scene always enchanted Seoho. So he imagines to himself, “I’m going to dance with my special someone too when I grow up. Under the night sky, with music softly playing in the background. And after that, we’re going to lie down and stargaze. We will take our time talking to each other, learning about ourselves more, with the moon and the stars as our witness. Oh, what a pretty scene. I can’t wait to grow up and love someone.”
––––
On one of the many nights where their family bonds on the comfort of their living room; while his father and mother sat on the couch and him getting comfy on the floor; his father started to talk.
“Seoho,” he mused.
“Yes, dad?”
“I want you to be a moon; find someone like the moon; and love someone like how the moon does.”
“What do you mean?”
His father sipped on his warm cup of coffee, and Seoho did the same on his hot chocolate drink, before he continued.
“I want you to be a moon. Other people might want to be a sun. Because for them, being a sun means that they are a big ball of fluff, and they bring happiness not only for themselves, but for other people too. Being the sun feels like you shine wherever you go; being the sun is all yellow and stuff.”
“It feels nice to be the sun though, Dad.”
“Sure it is, but being a moon? It’s a lot more deep. The moon has its phases; and I know you know it already, you science geek. There’s the new moon, full moon, the first and last quarter, and the gibbous and crescent phases. Yet no matter what phase it is in, it’s still there glowing beautifully in the dark... in the night sky. It might hide a part or a whole of itself, but it will soon appear– still the same moon that it is; but with a change of course.”
“Its phases emanate a symbolism that there will be days when you feel complete, there will be days you feel incomplete... and even more, empty. But you’ll be back, with a bit of your old self– just brighter and better.”
“Mhmm, that sure is deep. You boys go and continue your talk while I take a bath, okay?”
“Sure thing, mom.”
On the second cup of hot drinks Seoho and his father shared, he pipes up to ask what his father said a while ago.
“Dad, when you said find someone like the moon, what do you mean by that?”
“Oh, that. Well, the moon is always there during the darkness. And it never left– ever. It stayed there. It was unnoticed, but it was there. You know, I’ve once read a poem about the moon that Christopher Poindexter wrote. A certain line caught my attention, and it says: “It was always just there – breathing, shining and in most ways humans can't understand: listening.” Isn’t it heartwarming to think during your idle times that a certain person will always be there looking out for you through thick and thin, albeit quietly, like a moon?”
“Mhmm that’s indeed nice. But how about the last one dad? The part where you said I should love someone like how a moon loves?”
“Have you heard of the story of the sun and the moon? Their love story?”
“I think I haven’t yet.”
“Well, the Sun and the Moon was created long ago. They don’t know each other’s existence– more even see each other, for the Sun shines during the day, and the Moon glows during the night. There’s no way their paths would ever cross. But then they started to hear stories about each other. The stars would whisper amongst themselves, sharing marvelous tales that adorned their image of each other in their minds. The Moon wondered for countless nights, yearning for someone to hear its pleas to meet its beloved Sun. The Sun weeped during the day, hoping and wanting for someone that could turn their star-crossed love story to a beautiful one.
And someone heard them– it could be the Fates, or the force of the universe; they don’t know. But whoever it was, they were most grateful for them. For a beautiful miracle happened and they finally met. Both of them felt that powerful tug at first glance, as if something was pulling them towards each other. Lo and behold– an eclipse, a prayer answered for the both of them, happened. It took, and it will take them hundreds of years before they meet, but the love they have for one another exceeds the social construct of time.”
“What I mean by that is, I hope you’ll love someone endlessly too, even against all odds. And never stop wishing to meet someone. Who knows? The love of your life could be someone you know, or someone you would occasionally bump into. They could be someone on your bus ride home, or they could be someone fighting with you for the last meal serving? The possibilities are endless my son, and even though it may seem impossible, fate works its wonders. All the time. Especially if it comes to love and dreams.”
Silence ruled over them for a short span of time, Seoho letting his father’s word dawn on him, while his father was looking at him with a loving gaze.
––––
He snapped out of his reverie when he heard the bell rang. Harking back on the last memory, he felt nostalgic, the warmth and love that memory exudes is still fresh on his mind. He is really thankful for having people as awesome and loving as them as his family. He heads to his next class; half of his thoughts wandering about checking up on his family once he gets home.
His next class finished, and another, until lunch time came, yet he still can’t wrap his head around what happened back in their Literature class. He wanted to brush it off, he’s trying to, but a nagging feeling resonates from his conscience. A force akin to the small voice within him, the one who overtook his clouded judgement. And it’s daring him to do it. Like it knows what will unravel soon. Like it is waiting for something or someone, a tragedy that’s waiting to happen, a chaos ensuing. He shakes his head and continues eating, setting back his worries for a while.
Seoho’s classes ended roughly past 5 in the afternoon, he felt exhausted and famished. As he waddled his way outside of the building, someone ran past him and rattled his sleepy state.
“Hey! Can you look where you’re going–”
“Well if you weren’t really blocking the hallways then I wouldn’t have bumped onto you!”
“Wow, excuse me? It’s clearly your fault for not looking straight ahead! Why are you blaming me?!”
Seoho wasn’t really someone who would engage himself in petty fights like this. He is one to calmly back away during a heated argument, spout jokes to lighten up the atmosphere, and just shrug it off. But something about the guy gives off a vibe that makes him want to annoy, banter and… like him. He looks like what the sky is during twilight, a mixture of heavenly and dark, but most certainly, enchanting. He seems so familiar yet a stranger at the same time. Seoho froze when he realized his thoughts.
“I’m so… W-wh… Why am I even thinking about this guy who glares at me as if I violated a law or something?!” Seoho whispers to himself.
“What are you mumbli–”
“I’m sorry. There. Are we okay now? I’m really tired, so can we just let this go, and go on our own paths? I really don’t have the energy to put up a longer fight with you.”
He told the truth. As much as he wanted to continue bickering with him, there’s too much on his plate already. The term paper being the heaviest, his 9 hour class schedule drained the energy out of him. The only thing he looks forward to right now is eating a pack of ramen or two, and reuniting with his bed. Not a random fight with a stranger inside the premises of the university campus.
Surprisingly, they go off on the same path– to the bus stop. The same bus, the same seat row, and the same stop. He wondered why he never, not even once, noticed this guy. He looks like he’s been riding this bus for as long as he could imagine, and not to say, he’s attractive. He looks at him once again, his stare lingering a bit more than he planned to. Seoho would probably get over it soon, but this time, he admitted something in the back of his mind. He would love to come across this guy again, and mess with him. If fate permits.
———
It was sunny that one Monday morning. Seoho feels great and he’s excited to go to school, the anticipation of learning and playing is running through his veins.
They all rushed to the playground during their break time. Seoho jumps up and down as he calls the attention of everyone, not just his classmates, and asks them if they want to play. They played the game hide and seek, and Seoho was the ‘it’. He searched all over the playground. He giggled as he found someone effortlessly by the swing.
“Found you!”
The boy looked shocked when Seoho patted him in the arms.
“Oh, you’re not playing with us?”
The other boy just shook his head.
“What are you doing all alone here? But wait! Do you want to play with me instead? Do you want me to push the swing?”
“You’ll do that?” The boy shyly asked.
“Mhmm!”
The two boys had fun at the swing. And the other children Seoho was playing with a while ago? All forgotten.
–––––
The day dragged on longer for Seoho. He’s still sleepy, and a dreary 3 hours class with the most terror professor first thing in the morning isn’t helping. He’s trying his best to keep his eyes open, and he is doing a terrible job at it.
“Half an hour before lunch, half an hour before lunch, half an hour before lunch.” Seoho keeps chanting it in his mind like a song. He promised his friends that he would join them for lunch, since their schedules barely match. The bell rang signifying that classes are done, and Seoho dashed outside as fast as he could.
He arrived at the cafeteria, and it took him a while to locate his friends. Sitting, they hit up on a conversation immediately, which is incessantly just about how they’re doing in their own courses. They continued catching up with each other while thinking of what meal to order, when suddenly, Youngjo or as what he’s liked to be called, Ravn shoots up from his seat and waves at someone.
“Hey guys, I think I forgot to tell you but I’ve invited a new friend! His name is Geonhak, but he goes by the nickname Leedo, though. He’s a member of the club I’m in and he’s nice, just shy.”
Seoho is way too engrossed about the menu that he didn’t bother to look behind him to see the guy. He was rambling to Keonhee about the choices he picked, so when Ravn introduced his friend, their faces – Seoho and Leedo’s, went from a smiling face to a crumpled face. When it finally dawned on them why they both look so familiar, their mouths beat them to it. At the same time.
“You?!”
“You?!”
And as if formally meeting Leedo, the guy who bumped and had an argument with him last night isn’t stressing enough, Ravn made Leedo sit on the only available seat. Yep, beside Seoho. Yep.
“Leedo, you’re joining us for lunch everyday! No skips!”
Just with that sentence, Seoho could feel the impending headache that’s coming his way.
––––
It’s been weeks since Leedo joined them for lunch, and to say that it was messy is an understatement. They create havoc once they all settle in their usual table. Their table is the embodiment of noise, and Seoho couldn’t care less anymore. Besides, he enjoys his, I mean, their presence.
He doesn’t know why, but the growing feeling in him since him and Leedo “warmed up with each other” is getting stronger. Mischievousness. He feels mischievous around him. Seoho is the group’s prankster and joker, but trust him when he does things out of the ordinary just to annoy Leedo. There would be instances that he teases him out of nowhere.
One time, he pointed out that Leedo is too strong and that he can beat and carry him over his shoulders, so they should be scared of him. He would also point out how white clothes would fit Leedo because he’s an angel, and follows it up with the pun “He’s an angel that got kicked out from heaven because he’s not fit there.”
Seoho thinks bantering with him is fun and it’s the only form of entertainment he will sign up for. But he knew, he noticed. There is an underlying tension every time he does something naughty or bizarre, and how his words bear the weight of something. Something he doesn’t dare to acknowledge yet.
––––
Words spread like wildfire since the day Seoho got rejected. It mortified and gave him a hard time for days and weeks. But he managed to keep it all in and act like it doesn’t affect him one bit. He forced himself to suck it up and move on. He made himself believe it was just petty feelings, and he’ll get over it in no time. And he did. Probably not by the best way, but he did it. He did it by repressing whatever feeling is left of him.
He was peacefully walking through the corridors, wearing his earphones that are unplugged intentionally from his phone inside his hoodie pocket, until he notices a small commotion.
“Hey, have you heard?”
“Heard what?”
“Kang Nami just got rejected by someone from the lower year class!”
“Isn’t she the girl that Seoho liked?”
Seoho was quick to turn around for a second as he heard his name from the gossiping group of students. He drew a deep breath and continued walking, his line of thinking preoccupied by the new information.
“So that’s why, huh.”
He tasted a bitter feeling in his mouth, which he ignored, and went to a place that calms him down. The old Economics clubroom. He discovered it when he was roaming the school campus. It doesn’t pass as a comfort place; filled with junks and scattered paper on the floor, dusty furniture excluding the sofa Seoho sits on, and the whole ambiance of the room. But it makes no difference to him. He treats this room as his sanctuary, his refuge and escape when life doesn’t go in his favor.
But aside from this, there’s something strange. He hears a voice every time, and he likes the sound of it. He loved how deep but comforting it is. He tried to take a look once to find out the owner of the voice, and he can assure it’s not a ghost. It’s a guy. He can tell he’s from the lower year by the uniform. He sings, raps, dances, and practices all the time. He actually caught Seoho watching him. That’s how they became acquainted, no words spoken, no introductions took place. It just happened. They were familiar to each other; no names, no interactions: just a smile. And it was enough of a connection for them.
Seoho would listen and watch him from time to time, and his heartbeat increases the more he pays attention. It feels weird whenever his heart quickens its pace but Seoho just allows it. But the thing is, the more you acknowledge a foreign feeling, the more tied you get. And that’s where sentiments and realizations slowly sink in. Seoho pales and buries the idea into the deepest part of him, until he knows he couldn’t suppress it any longer.
A guy.
––––
It is time for Seoho’s Literature class again. It is time to worry about his untouched term paper, that is to be submitted before the semester ends. He pays no attention to what his professor is discussing, all he thinks about is how to start writing his paper. Just a word. Or a phrase. Or anything that can help him. He raises his eyes to the walls outside the hall, scanning them in hopes of finding something. And he sees one. A puzzle. Mementos of his past started to emerge from where he kept them. Each one inscribed, taking up the form of a puzzle piece, and it took some time before the image materialized. Right then and there, he knew what to put in black and white.
His family.
“Son, we know.”
Seoho suddenly felt the knots in his stomach tighten. He refuses to look at his parents. He felt scared shitless and he didn’t think this day would come. The day where he comes out to his family about his sexuality.
“Oh, my dear. Why aren’t you looking at us? Did we shock you? Please talk to us. We’re here for you. We love you for who you are.”
He hates how those words from his mother broke all his walls up; and he lunges for them– crying hard while rushing to be under their embrace.
He remembers how hard it was when he was doubting himself, because of his sexuality; and how it appended to the hundred reasons that kept him and his heart locked up; refusing to love again.
He remembers how he shut off his friends because he was afraid of scaring them off when they’ll be apprised of his sexuality.
He remembers how he refused to look at himself in the mirror just because he realized he likes boys and girls.
He remembers how hard it is to bottle up his emotions– how hard it is to hide and feel alone amidst all the people who claimed to be there for him always.
He remembers how it all went down.
But he also remembers how his father never fails to remind him that he will always be the son he raised.
He remembers her sister looking at him proudly every time like she knew what’s going on.
He remembers how her mother would always tell him she loves her no matter what.
He remembers how it urged him bit by bit to accept himself– without him realizing they knew all along.
“Thank you so much for loving me regardless.”
A hug full of love and understanding. A hug that feels like home.
“There’s no other way we would love you, Seoho; nothing less than irrevocably and undying. It must be so heavy for you, right? You must be terrified. I hope you know that I’m so proud of you, we all are. We don’t know how difficult it has been for you, but believe us when we say that we will always love you and have your back. We will always be here for you. Because that’s how we love you. You are amazing, child. You are valid, no matter what.”
His friends.
Awful. That is one word to describe how Seoho woke up. Weak. He felt weak and sickly. He skipped his class and wrapped himself into a cocoon; his searing fever, pulsating headache, and terrible cold made it hard to even open his eyes. He knew rain and his body is not a good combination, and he is experiencing the aftermath first-hand.
Being away from home has many advantages. The only disadvantage is during these times. He has no one to take care of him when he needs it. With his phone blowing up, Seoho attempts to reach for his phone; but his body is failing him. He couldn’t even stretch a finger. It’s only a little while after his phone stopped ringing. The next thing he knew is there’s an earthquake– no, there’s people, his friends, inside his dorm room creating a jumbled mess and intensifying his already worse state.
Turns out they’re the one blowing up his phone because he skipped lunch. Yes, they. Even his sworn enemy got worried for him. And will Seoho let it pass? No. He could be sick and everything but there’s no stopping at creating banters with Leedo.
His friends skipped their classes to go and look after him. They could be making fun of each other, but there’s no way they’ll be missing when you need them the most.
They are always there when he feels like he’s not doing anything right. They are present during the darkest times of Seoho’s life, never letting his hand go. They are the ones who help him stand again every time he falls.
That one guy.
That one guy he always annoys. The guy who’s the center and the receiving end of his trivial arguments. The guy he “fights” when he has the chance. The guy he met, unknowingly, during his younger years but he still didn’t notice. The guy he bumped to. The guy who rides the same bus as him. The guy who will wage a war on him for the last serving of bulgogi.
But he’s also that one guy that takes care of him even though he doesn’t show it. That one guy that keeps up and retaliates to his squabblings. That one guy that will do something extraordinary for him too. That one guy that makes him all soft. That one guy who makes his heartbeat fast… That one guy… he likes. That guy, Kim Geonhak. Who would’ve thought, huh?
Out of all people, he was the one who simply asks if something is wrong, and stays with him. He was there when he felt he’s not enough. He was there when he felt unloved by the world. He was there when he was breaking to the point he doesn’t think he can be fixed. He was the one who relived what love means to Seoho when he was younger. He was the one meant for him all along. His own moon.
He tried to feel again, God knows he tried to, but nothing; no one, can make him feel the same way as the blonde does. He tried getting into relationships again, college is a big place, so there’s no way he will get heartbroken the same way. But it proves his doubts right. Seoho decided love wasn’t really for him; well not until Geonhak purposely bumped into him to get his attention, the same way he did when they were kids. The swing, the lonely child. The same way he did when they were both in middle school. The guy he has a connection with at the abandoned clubroom.
––––
“I don’t need a fairytale story, I have read lots of them. I want a realistic one. One that lets me feel what you feel too. I need a genuine one. The kind that comes from your heart, from your experiences. I want a love that happened. I want a love that has proof.”
Seoho feels overwhelmed with everything. With all the stop over he had from his endless trips to memory lane, he’s figuring out where to start. The words of his professor, unlike the first time, sounded so clear in his mind. He breathes in and out; gets his laptop; and after racking through his brain for the simplest and catchiest approach he could muster, he types out: Hey, Love.
He likes the sound of it. Somehow, it conveys an intense wavelength of emotions and remembrance that is only for him to know. He laids out all the puzzle pieces he had and turned it into a beautiful picture; a new but constant meaning of love. For him, and him only.
“For all the times I felt love, and fell in love. An anecdote written by the ink from the snippets of my memories and heart. This is Lee Seoho, and this is how love is defined in my 23 years of existence.”
––––
“And that’s how it goes! I’m sorry I just told you all about this, but I just wanted to finish it first. You guys have taken a big part in forming that masterpiece, as well as my family. This paper’s the one that hits closest to home. So, thank you. So much. I hope you all felt the love like how I did.”
“I called my parents and grandparents too, they all cried when I told them what I wrote about.”
“You all are my definition of love.”
Seoho did a quick rerun of the reason he was too busy to hangout, just now that it is off the plate, during their lunch.
“But wait, Seoho hyung. You said all of us are your friends right? But how come Geonhak hyung is barely mentioned when you read the part about us?”
“Oh.. about that.”
He turns to his right and calls him.
“Hey, love. Wanna know why?” Seoho says confidently, with a wink and a smile that can melt the guy sitting next to him.
Jaws dropped. Cheers from the nearby tables erupted.
A variety of reactions can be seen in their own table: Ravn not believing what he heard. Keonhee, Hwanwoong, and Dongju contemplating whether to say something or scream. But the only reaction that mattered to him is how Geonhak choked on his food, cheeks red. It took Geonhak a while to process what he just heard from the brunette. And when he does,
“Is this how you confess to me, love? Not even on a proper date?”
It was Seoho’s turn to be a blushing mess.