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It didn’t surprise her; Sansa Stark was watching her sister wilt as the celebratory banquet went on. She turned to one of the servants behind her and issued orders, waited about ten minutes in which she saw Arya obviously wince with pain at least twice before rising and going to her. Most of those in the hall were by now seriously drunk and those that weren’t were trying hard to get there. No one would notice they were leaving and they would be even less likely to remember tomorrow if they had.
“Arya, come on we’re going”. Arya just sat there and stared at her. Sansa put her arm under her sister’s and lifted her away from the table. Something in Arya’s brain seemed to respond and her legs started to move as Sansa walked her out of the room. They went upstairs to Sansa’s solar where two large tubs were full of steaming water and smelling gently of lavender. Sansa handed Arya to one servant and turned to let the other start to undress her. She noticed Arya wasn’t exactly being co-operative so once she was down to just her shift she waved the women out of the room. “Come on Arya, you must have been wearing that leather for weeks, it stinks, get it off and get in the bath”.
“Best not, I’m bleeding, so it will make a mess for your servants to clean up”.
“Bleeding, how, where, who did it, you didn’t say”.
“Not that sort of bleeding, the usual sort, well not that usual for me but I took a dose of Moontea this morning and I was in a rush and I may have overdone the dose a bit so it’s not going to kill me but it is making a mess”; she winced “And it bloody hurts”.
“All the more reason to get in the bath, it will ease the pain and I can make sure you’re not really bleeding too much, Moontea isn’t just a 'take some and forget it' herb you know”.
“I know but this morning I didn’t know if there’d be a tonight for me so it didn’t seem much of an issue”.
Sansa was focusing on getting Arya’s breeches off. She was right her small clothes were wet and a deep crimson red. Sansa has seen enough men bleed to death of their wounds recently to feel confident Arya was in no danger of following them. Finally she got everything off her sister and half pushed half lowered her into the larger tub. Meant for Sansa this gave Arya room to virtually float. She lay back and let out a deep sigh
Sansa turned and got into the smaller tub, her feet didn’t fit so she left them draped over the sides but it was still nice to be in the hot water and this close to the surface the odour of lavender was a lot stronger and more soothing. As she let her body relax her mind came to a realisation “Arya, why were you taking Moontea”.
“Why do you think, it’s not as if anyone likes the taste”.
“Last night before the battle”.
“Why not, I realise you’ve probably not had much fun out of sex, but a lot of other people seem to think it’s a good idea and since it was possible I might not be coming back I thought I wanted to know what they were making a fuss about”.
“So it was your first time”.
“Yes”.
Just for once Sansa really really wanted her sister to keep talking, she wanted, no needed, to know what had happened and she didn’t want to interrogate Arya as if she was Septa Mordane dealing with a misbehaving child. Arya however had lapsed into silence. “I don’t want to pry……”
“Yes you bloody well do, you want to be my protective mother and my nosy sister all in one”.
Sansa noted Arya’s voice wasn’t angry or aggressive so kept going “but, you’re right my experiences have been bad so I really want to hear that it was better for you”.
“I know you do and the simple answer is yes it was better for me, but it wasn’t simple, doing it or afterwards and there are parts of me that seem to have conflicting feelings about the whole affair so I’m not sure I can give you a straight answer to your question”.
“Well it sounds like you need to talk it through to get it straight in your own mind, so just ramble on, I’ll not interrupt unless you ask me a question”.
“Now that is the biggest lie you’ve ever told Sansa Stark, I’ll barely have got two sentences out before you’re asking questions or making comments”.
“Well I’ll try really hard not to”.
Arya snorted “Well I’ve explained the why. I didn’t have any sort of death wish or premonition, but it was obvious that today was going to be potentially fatal. I was talking to Sandor and he agreed with me, in a big battle there are too many people too close together, which means you’re not in control of everything that’s happening around you like you are in a one on one fight, it’s too easy to get hit blindside. So I wanted at least one go before I died and it was a good way of taking my mind off the next day. I didn’t just wander into it; the sex that is, I was as scared in a way as I was of the battle because I didn’t know what was coming”.
“I know you never had the talk from mother, but you must have found out what goes on, there was that day with father and the stallion”. Sansa realised too late she’d interrupted “Sorry”.
“I knew you couldn’t resist”.
“Honestly I’m sorry”.
“It’s all right, it’s nice to know someone cares. No I wasn’t in doubt about the mechanics of the process, although it turned out my knowledge of the fine detail was missing”.
Sansa bit her tongue, she would not ask for that sort of intimate detail.
“What bothered me most was how I’d feel. I’ve grown used to being alone, in Braavos in the House of Black and White they try and depersonalise you, you become ‘a girl’. Some of it stuck and some of it feels good, there’s security in being self-contained, dependant on no one else, but obviously sex is not like that, even if it turned out to be ‘just another fuck’ for him I was pretty sure it wouldn’t be for me and that scared me”.
“That seems perfectly normal and at least you were making the decisions”.
“Yes I know, nothing I was facing can have been as bad as what you experienced”.
“Which is good, for both of us, for you because it wasn’t that bad, for me because I’d hate to think of you going through the same as I had, because it wasn’t that bad was it”.
“No, physically it was actually bloody good, he got me to what I think I once heard mother call ‘the peak of enjoyment’, twice, and I was so caught up in the pleasure if there was any pain I missed it. I’m pretty sure he was enjoying himself, he certainly made enough noise”.
Sansa felt the tears running down her face, but she bit her lip and said nothing.
“No what’s confusing is how I feel afterwards, emotionally, not the cramps in my belly from the Moontea”.
“What’s confusing”.
“I think there’s a bit of me that’s fallen in love with him and that wasn’t the plan. It was meant to be a single night, an exploration of the unknown and hopefully the pleasure, then we go our separate ways; but there’s a bit of me wants to go back to him, now tonight, even if I am bleeding like a stuck pig and do it again, and this time in a nice soft bed not on some sacks in a store room so when I cuddle up afterwards I’m really cosy and I can feel like we’re just going to snuggle for evermore”.
Sansa had never heard Arya use words like ‘snuggle’ before, the tears were running down her face and her nose was blocking, involuntarily she sniffed.
Arya’s head appeared over the rim of the tub “Sansa, no” she was out of the tub and kneeling next to her sister holding her against her “I’m sorry I shouldn’t have said anything it’s too much for you”.
Sansa lifter her head to look her in the eyes “No silly, I’m crying because it’s so beautiful, my little sister, the one who only ever wanted to be a soldier has had loving romantic sex. If it can happen to you just like that then I’ve got to be able to believe it can happen to me one day and that’s really important”.
Arya looked mildly confused “Are you sure”
“Yes, now get back in your bath, you’re staining the rugs”.
Arya looked down, Sansa was right, it was mostly water, but she was leaving pink patches on the hide of a pale yellow animal. She hopped back into her tub.
“So if you think you might love him and it sounds to me like you do, do you think he loves you. I suspect he does, I’ve seen the way he looks at you and now he’s been ennobled there’s absolutely no reason for the two of you not to marry”. The silence from the other tub became prolonged; a sudden and very horrible thought hit Sansa hard. “It was Gendry wasn’t it; please tell me it was Gendry”.
“No, for precisely the reason you’ve mentioned. I knew that noble or not Gendry would have only one thing to say to me if we survived and it would be ‘Will you marry me’ and then I would have to say ‘No’ and it would wreck a good friendship”.
“But why would you have to say no”.
“Why am I lying here dripping blood; because I don’t want children, however loving and wonderful the man is I don’t want to sit at home and sew and bring up babies and organise a household, that’s your dream not mine and I’m sorry but I can’t fulfil it for you”.
For just one second the Queen of the North thought about saying ‘You have to, we need a Stark heir and you’re going to have to be the one to produce it’, but she couldn’t, heirs were her problem and she couldn’t pass her problems onto Arya, that wasn’t what good rulers did, so she changed the subject “I’m almost afraid to ask then, who it was”. The silence recommenced, Sansa began to think Arya wasn’t going to answer.
“It was Sandor Clegane, because I thought he would be just the man to make it simple animal sex that I could walk away from and not look back. I suppose I didn’t realise the effect of all the time we spent together, people misjudge him, the outside is as bad as the scars on his face, but the inside isn’t”.
This time is was Sansa who was lost for words, except she wasn’t but the words that came back to her were ‘little bird’ and she knew she would never be able to explain that to Arya.
“So here we are, we both survived and it was obvious when he saw that I had he was relieved, but so was Gendry and possibly even a few others who I didn’t notice; and he hasn’t come rushing up to me and proposed marriage or even another night in a more comfy bed so I think for him it probably was just another fuck, which is good because then we can get on with our separate lives, but somehow that feels wrong and I don’t want it to feel wrong”.
Sansa had no answers to Arya’s problem, she was, she realised, the wrong person for her sister to be asking about love. She felt she had to change the subject. “So I know this is prying but exactly how did you make this happen”.
“Oh that was the easy bit, I know Sandor likes his privacy so I went round the store rooms until I found the one he’d hidden himself away in. Then I told him what I was proposing and we got on with it”.
“Just like that ‘Sandor will you make love to me’”.
“Well yes and no, I’m pretty sure I said ‘fuck’ not ‘make love’, but first we discussed our mutual chances of dying in the battle, I think that established a link so it wasn’t difficult to explain why I wanted to do it or why I wanted it to be him”.
It took Sansa a while to know what to say next. “Well I have to be honest Arya, of all the people and all the ways you managed to pick one I hadn’t foreseen”.
“You’ve spent time thinking about how I might lose my virginity”.
“Yes if I’m honest I have, maybe quite a bit of time. After the disaster that was my first wedding night I’ve wanted yours to be better”.
“Well it wasn’t my wedding night, that may or may not be something entirely different depending on whether there ever is one”.
“I’m sure we can keep last night quiet, no one needs to know”.
“I don’t care who does know, although I’m not broadcasting it about and I don’t suppose Sandor will either. What I’m really talking about is if I ever let any man marry me. I don’t suppose you’re going to be in any hurry to rush to the Godswood with another man, although if you want to be Queen of the North, you have to provide an heir somehow”.
“That’s a problem for some time in the future, and that’s where it’s staying for now. We’ve still got Cersei to deal with and then I suspect managing Daenerys will not be a simple task”.
“You could do worse than Sandor yourself”.
“What!”.
“As I said, he has a hidden soft side and he certainly knows how to touch a girl in just the right way. You could make him your Hand and see how it went from there”.
“Is that a plan of some sort”.
“No, unlike you I don’t think about your future marriage and bedding, not because I don’t want you to have a successful one, just because I have so little idea or interest in the process that the idea of me planning it for you is ridiculous”.
“But you just said….”
“Yes, I did and it was pretty much a spur of the moment thought. The idea that Sandor’s a better person that he pretends to be isn’t a new conclusion; I realised that over a period of time a while ago, but the thought that you and he might one day make a couple was just something that came to me”.
“So you’re handing him on to me”.
“If you want to view it that way then go ahead, he’s been tested and found suitable, very suitable, in the bedding process and anyone who called you his ‘little bird’ has some positive feeling for you. You know what he calls me in private”.
“No and I’m not sure I want to”.
“It’s not like that, it’s Wolf Girl. Now I like that, it’s the sort of title that says he appreciates the bits of me that I think are important”.
Sansa went very quiet.
“Think about it, you need a Hand, he’d fit the bill, that would keep him round you. I know you, you’re clever enough to create a few situations where you can gauge his feelings. If you don’t like what you see then he stays your Hand, if you do then you can move things forward when you like and how you like”. Arya appreciated the silence coming from the next tub. “You’re thinking about it aren’t you, it isn’t such a daft idea for all it was a spur of the moment one”.
“I just can’t bear the thought of another man touching me now”.
“You don’t have to now, you just have to create the situation where he’s around when, and I’m sure there will be a when Sansa, you feel you can try again. You said you thought about my wedding night because you wanted it to be better than yours. Well I may not be plotting and planning your future, but now I’ve discovered how good it can be I want to believe that at some time in the future you can lie back with your limbs shuddering, gasping for breath and think ‘Oh in the name of the Old Gods let him do that again; and soon’”.
“He really was that good”.
“Oh yes”.
Sansa went quiet again, sadly she also realised the bathwater was cooling. She climbed out and picked up towels to wrap round her sister and dry her before she left more stains on the rugs. It took a while and there were some awkward moments when Sansa didn’t want to remove her shift and let Arya see the marks on her back, but eventually they were dry and clothed for bed. Nothing much had been said during the process but as Sansa fastened the tie on Arya’s shift, she was idly wondering how long it was since Arya had gone to bed in a shift. “Arya, don’t go, the bed in here’s big enough for three. It’s been a while but it would be nice to share”.
Arya looked at her sister, now she’d said it the idea of Sansa and Sandor was beginning to make more and more sense in her head, beside it was also a good way to both gently tease her sister and get her talking about sex in a positive way, which Arya thought had to be a good thing in the long run. “Come on then, we can cuddle up, I can close my eyes and imagine you’re Sandor and we’ve just done it again”.
“You’re suggesting I’ll feel like Sandor Clegane”.
“No silly, you’re missing bulk”, she paused “In a very important area”.
“I’m not sure I want to know that”.
“Oh yes you do; I know you better than that Sansa you actually want to know every little thing he did to me, but you just think it’s not ladylike to ask”.
“Well it’s not, that sort of thing is private between man and wife”.
“Ah but I’m not his wife and I clearly wasn’t his whore either, since no money changed hands; and I initiated the process so I’m no ‘victim’. Let’s think of me as his tester, suppose you wanted to buy a horse but you thought it was a bit too powerful for you; you might get Jon to try it out. So I’ve tried Sandor out and I have to report he’s a very, very pleasant experience, in fact when he put his tongue………”
“No really Arya that is too much information. I’ll take your word for it that Sandor is a satisfactory lover, and it’s a pleasant thought that you’ve enjoyed the experience, but it will be a long time before that sort of idea is pleasant for me”.
“Just promise me you’ll think about it”.
Sansa realised now she had the bit between her teeth Arya was not going to be held back. To continue the horse metaphors her little sister was a powerful warhorse and once on the charge she would not be easily stopped. There could only be one end to this conversation if she wanted to sleep tonight. “Yes I’ll think about it, but by myself”.
Arya had her head somewhere under Sansa’s arm, the inevitable result of their differing heights, but on this occasion a good thing because if Sansa had been able to see the grin on Arya’s face she would never have believed this hadn’t been Arya’s plan from the start.
Afterward
Arya was working her way into the Red Keep, despite the fire raining from the kill crazy dragon woman, when she saw Sandor coming from the opposite direction. They both turned together into the map room. The roof was already partly missing.
"Go home girl. You’ll be dead if you don’t get out of here”.
“I’m here for Cersei and I’m not going until I deal with her”.
"Doesn't matter, she's dead. Look around you this place is coming down around her ears, and yours. Look at me! You want to be like me. Revenge has ruined my life, don’t let it ruin yours. You come with me, you die here."
“Take your own advice then, we both get out of here”.
I’ve got nothing to live for, you’ve a whole life ahead of you”.
“I’ll give you something to live for”.
“What more rough sex, good as you were that’s not enough”.
“What about the love of my sister” Arya grabbed hold of his belt at the waist buckle.
“Don’t fuck me about; your sister wouldn’t touch me”.
“I think she might if you took your time. She needs someone she can trust, and rather too late she’s realised that she should have trusted you a long time ago”.
“What the fuck are you talking about”.
“You offered to run off with her, take her away to safety, just like you took me. She said no, now she thinks that was a mistake, you would have saved her from Ramsey and a lot of the other shit, you saved my life, more than once; I’ve made that plain to her”.
A lump of the maproom roof narrowly missed the two of them; Arya pulled Sandor under the overhanging archway. “It’s fucking dangerous here why don’t we both get back out and leave Cersei and your brother to Daenerys and Drogon. As you said they’re as good as dead already, why do we want to join them”.
She could see him looking at her. In her mind she was thinking ‘For fucks sake Clegane get your brain in gear before we both die’, but she kept her mouth shut and just looked him strait in the face. Then she thought of the hook that might work “Don’t you want your little bird to sing for you”.
Sandor swung an arm, for a second she thought he was going to hit her, then he pulled her sideways as another chunk of rock went past far too close for comfort. She spotted the dragon going away from them in the sky and pointed upwards at it. “Come on, now, before it comes back”. Finally he moved, she headed back down the route she’d used to get in. She still had her hand in his belt, it was ridiculous that she was dragging him, but that was pretty much what was happening.
At some point on the way out they came across a white horse just standing amongst the ruins. Sandor turned to her, “If I believed in that sort of crap some cunt would tell me the bloody horse is an omen”.
Arya took hold of the horse’s bridle and started to lead it with them. “Well it won’t be this cunt”.
“Don’t call yourself that, you’re better than that”.
“I told her you were a more caring person that she realised”.
“Sometimes you’re too fucking clever for your own good”.
Arya said nothing but, despite the situation they were both in, a small smile crossed her face.