Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Hi, my name is Huening Kai! What's your name?”

Soobin eyes narrow and a frown has made itself home on his rosy lips. He looks up, brows furrowing in a hostile manner, though the entire second grade knew he could never hurt a bug. It’s the way his father taught him self defense that didn't involve much effort, just a fierce, silent glare that would have any kid in the block backing down. (“Just look at them like this until they go away,” his father spoke with an exemplary scowl while his mother, back to them as she cooked some bacon, shook her head in disagreement. “And if they try to raise their fist at you, you stand your ground. Okay?” All he did was nod, leaving them all unconvinced at the breakfast table. Soobin was never one for arguments, let alone physical disputes; he only hoped the kids would let him be, more for his sake rather than theirs.)

“You look sick, do you need me to call the teacher over?” Missing tooth asks. Well, that’s rude, he introduced himself to Soobin after all. “ Hello ?” Huening Kai tilts his head at him, nervous fist clenching around his pack of washable crayola markers when he’s met with silence.

Contrary to Soobin’s father’s words, the tiny kid in front of him remains in his spot, seeming the opposite of intimidated and more so ridden with worry. Never did his parents prepare for this type of situation. Naturally, Soobin blanks at him. And no matter how hard he tries to regain his composure, fingers gripping tightly at his pororo lunchbox, the kid across him can't seem to collect the hints. His smile only widens, filled with innocence and eagerness, while Soobin swallows in disbelief, feeling tiner in the sandbox. Unsurprisingly, with each second of Huening Kai’s fluttering, patient lashes casting shadows on his cheeks, Soobin’s glare begins to loosen until it's ultimately dropped in defeat; bewilderment becomes something along second nature to him in Huening Kai’s presence.

“They let you bring your lunch box to recess?” He wonders, his voice genuine and pleasantly light to Soobin’s ears as he points. For a brief moment, Soobin is reminded of the adults, of his mother’s encouraging tone she tends to use on him when she’s coaxing him to speak. Soobin blinks up at him, lips parted and eyes round. “Wanna share markers?” Huening Kai sticks out the pack filled with rainbows; a peace offering.

His confidence is something Soobin can't seem to rid himself of. No matter how burning the sun may be on his back, Huening Kai shields him from the rays, replacing the light with his own chip-toothed grin. Soobin can’t help but admire him, he too wished to possess the unyielding self-assurance someone their age could possibly attain.

“I’m Soobin,” he starts, voice small. Huening Kai’s expression forms something similar to a child receiving their favorite candy, Soobin sends him a timid smile and nod.

The rest of the recess is filled with Huening Kai pulling various markers from his pack and drawing shapes along Soobin’s arms and on the back of his hand. He returns the favor, rather clumsily, by using the grey marker and sketching a picture of a rabbit. Huening Kai laughs and Soobin matches his look of happiness as they gush over the drawings along their arms. Even when the teachers call them over with a frown on their lips after noticing Huening Kai most definitely snuck his maker pack, Soobin can't help the excitement that expands within him when Huening Kai runs off to join his homeroom after saying ‘See you tomorrow, Soobin’.

His mood doesn't dim for the rest of the afternoon. His teacher doesn't scold him, she only gently wipes his arms clean of the mess, making sure to smile warmly at him and ask: “Was recess fun?” Her sincere expression carries on to his mother and father as they listen to him go on and on about how entertaining and confident a kid like Huening Kai is. His father gasps at all the right moments, like when Soobin tells him Huening Kai and snuck his markers as if it were a scandalous act, while his mother laughs in encouragement when Soobin recites a funny story the other kid had shared with him in the sand box.

An hour or so after dinner his mother calls out for him, “Soobin, it’s time to wash up for school tomorrow.” If she notices the lack of whining he gives her, she doesn't comment, only send him a bright smile as she prepares his clothes and backpack for the next morning. “Goodnight, bunny.” She and his father take turns pressing kisses to his round cheeks until he's breathless from his own giggles.

Eventually they pull the string of his night lamp on and switch his bedroom light off. The last thing Soobin remembered that night, his eyes drooping lower and lower, was the funny shapes his night light made on his ceiling and a particularly blurry sight of a bunny. He was peaceful and tight for the rest of the night, not a single bug filled with jitters had gotten the chance to bite him unlike the other nights.

Huening Kai doesn't show up the next day and Soobin can't help the disappointment that consumes him come recess time.

Similar to the previous day, his tiny fingers grip the handles of his lunchbox as he waits and waits . His mother had packed two choco pies for him that morning. (“Give one to your new friend,” she leaned down and ruffled his hair, “I have a feeling he has a sweet tooth like you.” She pulled at his cheeks while he sent her a smile of gratitude). Sadly, he spent the rest of playtime eating his own choco pie, watching the birds fly away full of stress from the other children bombarding them. He sighs.

When recess is over, he offers his homeroom teacher the choco pie and she takes it, a pitiful look in her eyes when she gazes down at him. “I'm sure your friend will be here tomorrow,” she attempts to cheer him up before ushering him gently to get in line with the rest of his classmates.

At the time, Soobin couldn't bring himself to believe her.

“ Soobin !” Someone yells his name so loudly the next day at recess, he drops the truck he was playing with in the sandbox. He turns his head and finds toothless running up to him with the brightest smile he'd ever seen. “The dentist was so scary, Soobin! If your mom tells you you're going to the dentist, run away!”

Soobin, stunned, looks up at Huening Kai, who is standing alongside the sandbox, not quite getting in just yet. “Look what I got!” He finally hops in, sinking quickly and plopping on his butt next to Soobin. He shoves his lunchbox in his face and proudly claims, “My teacher doesn't know I brought it. My mom packed us some snacks!”

While Huening Kai is high from his own excitement, Soobin busies himself with curiosity. Any ounce of anger, annoyance or disappointment he might have had had suddenly disappeared. Contagious as Huening Kai was, Soobin was about to figure it all out.

“Choco pies,” Huening Kai says in triumph, after a solid fifteen seconds of searching. “Do you like choco pies?” He questions, and Soobin can see the sincerity in his eyes—the hopefulness in them.

He nodded, a smile molding onto his lips as he took it carefully from Huening Kai’s hands. “I love them,” he confessed as he began peeling the plastic open.

His mother was right, Huening Kai also had a sweet tooth.

Luck seemed to favor Soobin from an early age.

There was a time when he was four and had daringly climbed a tree five times his height with one of his cousins. He had misplaced his footing mid climb, unkindly sending him back to the ground with a thud. He landed on his foot, but not before claiming a light scraping to his knee and a splinter on his thumb that hurt so bad he cried. Still, it was nothing his mother couldn’t fix with a bandaid and a kiss. His cousin was a lot more unfortunate, if his broken ankle had anything to say about it.

There were many instances luck had softly pinched his cheeks, adoringly so. Though, truthfully, nothing would have prepared him for the absolute fate he had encountered one weekend when he had opted to help his mother shovel soil in order to give her new plants a home. 

When he looked up, swiping at his prespirated forehead with the back of his hand after a round of hard labor, he'd have sworn he’d seen a ghost. Before him stood Huening Kai, Levi overalls on, an action figure in hand and the widest grin Soobin had ever seen him wear. 

From that moment on, Soobin had deemed that his cousin’s words weren’t as farfetched and he originally thought.

“ Hey! ” Huening Kai giggles, seeming on cloud nine and completely unaware he had given Soobin the scare of his life. “You live here?! I live across from you!” He turns and points to a woman, evidently younger than his own mother, approaching them with a worried, disheveled look on her expression.

Soobin’s mother raises a brow then in wonder before standing straight and fixing her sun hat properly so she could get a good look at  the newcomers. “Soobin,” his mother asks carefully, quick hands coming closer to pull him back in protection the more Huening Kai pushes forward. “Is this someone you know?”

Before he can answer, Huening Kai does. “Soobin and I go to the same school! He's my recess buddy, my best friend!” He rambles in excited shouts while Soobin is once again left stunned at his approach to everything the other boy has done before him.

“Huening!” His (best?) friend's mother scolds once she's reached them with a heaving chest. She quickly reaches for his thin wrist to pull him back so he isn't towering over Soobin. She sends them an awkward smile before explaining, “We were out riding bikes—” she reaches down and pats Huening Kai’s helmet, it's only then that Soobin notices his knee and elbow pads he's sporting too. “—around the neighborhood and Huening rushed over here screaming that his playground friend is planting flowers.”

At her words, Soobin’s mother clasps her hands in recognition. She looks at Huening Kai and then back at Soobin with wide, encouraging eyes before turning back to the newcomers with a kind smile. “Huening Kai? Soobin has told me so many funny things about you.”

Soobin flushes against his own will, “Really?!” The other boy across from him exclaims, “I talk about you a lot too, Soobin! Don't I, mom? I talk about Soobin too!”

Unconsciously, Huening Kai’s bold words always seemed to leave him in flushes even when he knew that was never the other's intention. “You do,” Huening Kai’s mother promises with a warm gaze downwards to her son.

“This is great!” Soobin’s mother exclaims before removing her gardening gloves. “Do you want to come inside? The kids could play for a bit while we chat?”

Huening Kai’s mother seemed to love the idea and so did his friend.

It was fate really or perhaps Soobin was just incredibly lucky to have Huening Kai live across from him. He had never realized it, but from the astonishment Huening Kai sported as Soobin showed him around his home, he deemed the other had no idea either. And when Huening Kai picks up his plushies, complimenting Soobin with glee for his choice of characters, he feels a warmth spread across his chest at having such a kind friend.

“Soobin, you’re my best friend!” Huening Kai pulls him into a tight embrace, one that feels familiar to his own mother’s good-natured touch.

They pull away from one another, and only in that moment of Soobin witnessing the pure sincerity in Huening Kai’s warm brown eyes, he begins to believe it. He was lucky to have met Huening Kai in that small, grainy sandbox when they were kids.

“You guys are like gum,” someone points out one day during lunch when he and Huening Kai playfully fight over the carton of chocolate milk on their trays.

When they both look up, hands topping over one another as they play a game of tug over the carton of milk, they both meet the widest set of eyes they’ve ever seen. Soobin, mouthful of rice, swallows down hard in embarrassment. “S-sorry?”

“I said you two are like gum,” the stranger repeats in a tone that is matter-of-factly before placing his tray down across of them and boldly taking a seat in front of them. He stares down at his tray and picks up his fork, unbothered by their shocked expression, “Shoot, I forgot a drink.” He sets his fork back down and looks up at them, then at the carton of milk.

In a blink of an eye, the carton has been snatched up from their frozen hands and is now being peeled open by the intruder. Soobin coughs up a storm after that and Huening Kai twists in his seat trying to find him a drink nearby. The stranger before them only pulls the carton away from his lips and pushes it towards Soobin’s face with a small tilt of his head.

“Here, I don’t really like chocolate anyway.” He says, calm and collected before turning back to his tray to eat.

Soobin chugs down the milk without a second thought, Huening Kai grabs his wrist abruptly in revelation. “Oh my god,” he moans, staring down at the tip of the carton that is meeting Soobin’s lips with bulging eyes. “That’s your first kiss.”

At his words, Soobin starts to choke again and this time, the stranger who’d been listening to them mostly because Huening Kai couldn’t whisper for shit, chuckles. “You guys are funny,” he compliments with a bright grin as Huening Kai pats Soobin’s back a bit too hard, only leaving Soobin to whine in pain before it’s followed with sincere apologies from the other.

“I don’t mean to be rude,” Huening Kai starts in a sheepish manner, an awkward hand coming up to scratch his head in thought. “Who are you?”

The student in front of them fixes his school tie even though it’s perfectly in place. He lifts a hand, palm flat and straight before smiling politely, “Hello, I’m Taehyun. I just moved here, nice to meet you.”

They both stare in awe at him as Taehyun, a confident and uncaring sixth grader, a brazen kid that ate his food and demanded Huening Kai let him taste some of the side dishes his mother had only packed for him and Soobin. They both find him strangely interesting, even when Taehyun cornered them with questions (though not with ill intent, more so because his eyes were as round as buttons so it felt like a frightening interrogation anytime he demanded to know things). He was still friendly when he smiled and ultimately just a twelve year old kid searching for new friends at a new school in a new city. Really, Soobin admired him for his approach to obstacles. He learned quickly Taehyun could do anything he wanted if he just put his mind to it.

“This was fun!” Taehyun beams when the lunch bell rings. He stands and sends them a small wave, “Save me a seat tomorrow, okay?”

Before they can answer, he’s gone. Along his absence, he leaves a swirl of emotions, one being butterflies in both Soobin and Huening Kai’s stomachs. “He’s scary,” Huening Kai confesses to him as they pack up their things, but there’s an intrigue curl to his lips as he thinks of Taehyun. “I wonder if I’ll have any periods with him after this.”

“You could,” Soobin nods his head in thought, Huening Kai and Taehyun were both six graders afterall.

They head out of the cafeteria side by side, running the events with one another in their own perspectives before laughing. Somewhere along the walk down the school halls with other peers rushing past them to get to their class before the second bell rings for tardies, the fascination in Huening Kai’s expression registers in Soobin’s mind. He hadn’t seen his best friend talk about anyone else with so much interest as he did about him when they were kids. Something in Soobin fell out of place, something in Soobin triggered unnecessary worry.

“Kai,” he catches Huening Kai’s wrist just as he leaps up the stairs. His friend turns back to lock eyes with him, his brows shoot up in innocence, Soobin could see the wonder clear as day. Before he could worry the other, he quietly says,  “Don’t forget about me.”

His friend only turns his head at him as if what Soobin had said puzzled him (it did, really). “Why would I?” Huening Kai questions back, a pout forming on his lips faster than Soobin can tame. “Soobin, you’re my best friend.”

Soobin swallows down a lump in his throat, “Sorry.” He utters out instead, releasing his wirst in embarrassment. 

Truthfully, he had thought of what his words could have entitled to Huening Kai. Soobin didn’t want to seem childish (selfish?) to his friend. It troubled him that this was exactly how he appeared to the other boy. Soobin wasn’t quite familiar with the thought of sharing—friendships included—as the only child. He could only hope he didn’t seem clingy to someone like Huening Kai, who had slightly more practice in the art of making friends and sharing than he did.

“Don’t worry,” he chuckles softly, eyes warm with encouragement. “I don’t care how many people I meet, you’ll always be my best friend.” He extends out his pinky for him in that moment, “Let’s promise one another something.”

“What?” Soobin looks up at him, eyes round and full of confusion.

Huening Kai grins and reaches out to grab his hand, careful to peel his pinky out, “No matter what…” he starts as he curls his own pinky against Soobin’s. “We won’t keep secrets from one another and we’ll be best friends for life.”

Soobin slowly allows a smile to overcome his lips, “Do you like me that much?” He questions his friend instead of sealing the promise.

Huening Kai rolls his eyes at him in a playful manner that puts him at ease, “It’s you who likes me very much, actually.” Neither claims were true, he and Huening Kai both knew they matched each other's levels. “Come on, promise me before the bell rings.”

Perhaps he did it because he found Huening Kai’s whines cute or because Soobin genuinely poured his heart into the proposition, he curled his own pinky around Huening Kai’s in a sincere promise. “Okay.”

“Okay?” He shook his head in playful disapprovement. “You have to say ‘I promise’, here, I’ll do it first. I promise.”

“You’re such a kid,” Soobin laughs at him while the other stares down at him with a fond smile. “I promise.”

The other nods his head in content, pinky linger in his hold for a second too long, before it’s gone. “See you after school! Let’s play that new game your parents bought you for Christmas. I’ll wait for you at the entrance!” Huening Kai rambles as he sprints up the stairs, skipping a dangerous amount of stairs thanks to his long legs.

Soobin waves at him and shouts back an: “Okay!” before dashing away to his own class.

As promised, they save a seat for Taehyun the next day. To their surprise, he doesn't come to their end of the table alone but with another face that Soobin isn't quite sure where he's seen him before. Regardless, they both send Taehyun and the newbie a small, shy wave as they take the seats across them.

“Hi!” The newcomer next to Taehyun returns the wave in excitement. “I'm Beomgyu! Taehyun told me you two are really funny, what's your names?” In a stark contrast to Taehyun’s calm, well put appearance, Beomgyu is a riot.

He laughs with volume, drawing attention uncaringly, and claps his hands loudly. If Soobin could describe him in one word, it'd be the protagonist. Beomgyu turned heads when he spoke, when he passed, when he merely existed. He was handsome, kind, goofy, and a bit of jokester. He was the same age as Soobin, but had accomplished many more things given his extroverted nature. He was charming, he was liberating, he was a loyal friend that Soobin knew he would never regret making.

“You two are always together, Taehyun said it's cute.” Beomgyu offers, lightly shouldering Taehyun when the other’s expression remains unbothered. “He also said he was your first kiss, Soobin!”

“Indirect!” It isn't him who says it but Huening Kai with breathless words. “He only drank from the same carton!”

Soobin can't even properly register his words because he's  absolutely flustered from disbelief that Taehyun would tell a complete stranger something so sacred. “It was indirect. That doesn't count!”

Taehyun finally allows his expression to turn into something else. Soobin wishes he had just remained stoic because the smirk was absolutely mortifying, “No need to make a big deal of it.” Taehyun laughs at his misery; Soobin takes back saying he admires him.

“You're right, Tae, these guys are funny.” Beomgyu beamed, going back to his tray as if he hadn't created a ruckus at their table.

Huening Kai and Taehyun had jumped into a lighthearted argument whether an indirect kiss should or should not be counted as an actual first kiss. It was safe to say that Taehyun, cheeky and absolutely on a mission of to become a #1 enemy on Soobin’s list (though that would be a lie, he quite liked Taehyun), could not believe his life. Honestly, his new friends were downright terrible. Still, through his rosy cheeks and stuttering words, Beomgyu sent him a soft smile that had Soobin eased through the entire day. And when Taehyun lost the argument, Huening Kai wrapped an arm around his shoulder and practically glued himself to his side in triumph. Soobin thought of Taehyun’s words: ‘ you guys are like gum.’ Nevertheless, he was happy to say he had Huening Kai right next to him through it all.

“Is high school scary?” Huening Kai asks him one evening that his mother allowed him to come over after school. 

Soobin is almost certain he doesn’t need to ask much anymore. After years of coming straight to Soobin’s home from the bus stop, his mom stopped worryingly texting Huening Kai sometime in middle school when she figured he was just across the street. Even so, Huening Kai made an effort not to worry her often. (“Lea got a boyfriend,” Huening Kai rambled to him one afternoon while they played video games in Soobin’s movie room. “My dad almost had a heart attack and my mom scolded her for an hour because she lost her all A’s streak.” Soobin smashed the controller harder than intended at the topic, “She has a boyfriend?” Soobin mumbled, eyes trained on the screen. He couldn’t quite see Huening Kai, but he knew he was nodding in disbelief. “She stresses them out so much. Gosh, people in love .” He had stuck out jokingly, Soobin had only laughed with him and agreed.)

“High school?” Soobin loosened his school tie, quick fingers moving to shut the door of his bedroom.

“Yeah, how is it?” Huening Kai jumps on his bed with awaiting eyes.

He was a year younger than Soobin, so he understood the concern and curiosity he had. He was an eighth grader after all, and next year he'd have to go through the same awkward transition Soobin had. Except Huening Kai was slightly more outgoing than Soobin was; he had no doubt he’d make a friend or two within the first week.

Soobin shrugs, “It's…” he struggles to find the proper words from his best friend. Instead he extends his arms until he can't go any further, “Big.”

“Woah,” Huening Kai replies, genuinely frightened. “Are the kids nice at your school?”

Soobin pretends to ponder, he chuckles at the uneasy look in Huening Kai’s eyes and decides not to tease him any longer. “Yeah, they are.” He places a hand over his heart, in sworn truth when Huening Kai narrows his eyes at him, “I made a friend, his name is Yeonjun and he’s really cool.”

Huening Kai squints at him in question, then proceeds to repeat: “Yeonjun?”

“Yeah,” Soobin flushes at the thoughtful stare he’s giving him.

Huening Kai seems to draw his own conclusions from that, “Is he cute?” He bombards in excitement, sitting up from the bed and practically bouncing at the edge as Soobin takes a seat across from him on his studying desk. “What’s he like?”

Soobin thinks of Yeonjun; a confident, sociable Yeonjun who ruffles his hair in fondness when Soobin trips up on his words or clumsily knocks the equipment in their biology lab. In many ways Yeonjun’s approach to Soobin was similar to Huening Kai’s, except Yeonjun wasn’t an overzealous child with a missing tooth and a taste for choco pies. He was kind and generously gave Soobin his undivided attention when he spoke, soft and encouraging just like his mother and Huening Kai.

“He’s…” Soobin looks away from him to will the flush away, he could feel his cheeks heat the longer he thought of Yeonjun. “...really nice.”

“ Nice ?” Huening Kai gives him a squinted look with a chaff smile. "You’re holding back on me, Choi!” And similar to when they were kids, Huening Kai throws himself back on Soobin’s bed and begins kicking his feet in a tantrum. Only this time he’s much older and taller, so it’s clumsy and a mess of long limbs scrunching his bedsheets. “Come on! We promised to tell each other everything! I’ll tell you about Taehyun!”

As if he knew he had said something completely uncharacteristic of him, Huening Kai ends his playful tantrum in a state of shock. Soobin looks up at him in surprise at the mention of that name, “Taehyun?” He wonders with wide eyes, gradually watching Huening Kai’s cheeks tint until they’re so bright it worries Soobin.

“Yeah,” he clears his throat awkwardly, looking away from him and towards the window so he can shield something from Soobin that he isn't quite sure of.

Oh. Soobin blanks for a moment, “You like Taehyun?” He asks, softly.

When Huening Kai turns back to him, he looks absolutely distressed and on the brink of tears. To say it alarms Soobin would be an understatement, “No. Yes. No.” 

Oh, Soobin thinks to himself. He really likes Taehyun.

It's a bit of a shock to Soobin, if he's honest with himself. Even so, he couldn't help but expect it just a bit. Huening Kai had always been interested in Taehyun, so it was natural that his innocent curiosity had taken a slight turn to attract their mutual friend. Taehyun was wonderful; he was everything Soobin wasn’t. Self-assured, captivating, friendly and head-strong. He didn't blame Huening Kai for developing feelings for the other boy, he would have too given the circumstances. Huening Kai, being younger than he was and the same age as Taehyun, had more time to connect with him than Soobin did. So it was never really a matter of how but rather how long it took for it to finally happen.

“Does he know?” He questions carefully, slipping from his desk and instead taking a seat on the edge of his bed next to Huening Kai as the other opts to looking down at his lap, nervous fingers moving in his lap.

Huening Kai barely musters the will to laugh, but even if he tries to seem unbothered by everything, Soobin can hear the anxious patterns in his breath. “Of course not,” he smiles, sadly. “I think he and Beomgyu might have a thing, honestly.”

Soobin sits on his bed and focuses on training his eyes on the dry erase board he's hung up on his wall. There's a mess of words on it, homework deadlines and other things he's written down for the month so he won't forget, but for some odd reason he can't seem to register anything else but Huening Kai’s sorrow filled words. Maybe he was biased or maybe it was because he knew Huening Kai was simply still a kid who wore his heart on his sleeve, Soobin pulled out his phone and texted Beomgyu with a frown. He needed to get to the bottom of it, not for his sake but for Huening Kai’s.

Are you talking to Taehyun? Beomgyu’s reply is almost instant. What? His response is followed by a column of puking emojis and eye rolls emoticons. My dearest Soobin, what have I ever done to be considered Taehyun’s boyfriend? He's like a brother, an annoying ass brother that my mom seems to like more than me. Soobin stares at the message for a moment with a lump in his throat before Beomgyu sends one final text that leaves Soobin perplexed. The answer is no. By the way, I think Taehyun likes Huening Kai anyway.

Soobin tucks his phone away and only then notices Huening Kai hasn't looked up once or over at him in the past minutes or so. He reaches up to run his fingers through his hair in comfort, similar to how he's done when they were kids and Huening Kai scraped his elbow or when he threw a tantrum, but he hesitates when he hears a sniff. Unlike those times, when Huening Kai simply needed a bandaid or a promise, he was torn by the thought of being thrown into an unrequited love. Soobin watches as he wipes his tears, he sighs and drops his hand in defeat. He momentarily wondered when things had changed, when he and Huening Kai became interested in the boys and girls of their class, when their eyes suddenly sparkled for their friends instead of one another.

“Beomgyu and Taehyun aren't a thing,” he decides to say when he figures he'd heard enough of Huening Kai’s heart shattering along the wooden floor of his bedroom.

Huening Kai looks up at him, slowly. “How do you know that?” He questions, unbelieving of him.

Soobin stares at him for a long moment, examining the expression on his beautiful features. Had Huening Kai always been this handsome? He asks himself. What happened to people in love being gross? On his own accord, he smiles to himself at that. He briefly remembers when Huening Kai told him his sister Lea had started dating, he wished he could see the expression of then Huening Kai would sport if Soobin had told him in just a couple years, he too would want to date and be in love.

He softens his gaze towards him, and reaches instead of answering immediately he only reaches towards his wet cheek to pull slightly. “I just know,” he tenderly sings to the child before him. “I think you should go for it.”

“You think?” Huening Kai questions back, genuine but filled with worry. “I don't think I can handle rejection…”

“Who would reject you?” Soobin tugs at his cheek one final time before pulling his hand away. “What happened to you? I thought you were a confident kid. You know I admired you a lot for that when we were younger.”

Huening Kai gapes at him, “ Me ? No, I'm just an idiot.” He laughs with a shake of his head, the weight on Soobin’s shoulder lifts a bit to see the beginnings of a smile on his rosy lips.

“Maybe you are,” Soobin jokingly teases with his own matching grin. “But I liked you a lot for it, so I guess I must be an idiot too.”

After a brief silence of reminiscence, Huening Kai explains, “Love is so gross.” In contrast to what he's saying he's wearing one of the biggest smiles Soobin has ever seen him use. Soobin knows it's one he's reserved for Taehyun, or anyone in the future that he becomes besotted for. “I'm going to confess to him tomorrow after school.”

Soobin’s mouth goes dry at his words, he worries for Huening Kai though he knows from Beomgyu that Taehyun already has feelings for his friend. He cares deeply about Huening Kai, on a level he thought he never would; Soobin wants him happy. If Taehyun is the solution, if he's the next big thing in his friend’s life, Soobin thinks he could happily step aside to allow them both to grow.

“You should,” Soobin encourages him in a gentle tone. “Tell me all about it tomorrow over the phone, okay?”

And he does. The next day Huening Kai calls him right after to shout in happiness, he almost swore he could hear him across the street from his bedroom. He was evidently on cloud nine to be Taehyun’s boyfriend, and from Beomgyu’s text messages to Soobin, Taehyun was just as elated. It felt right, for a brief moment before Huening Kai ended the call with the intentions to ring Taehyun for the night, leaving Soobin to his own thoughts.

He eventually dug himself out of his own worries, something he hadn't done in a while since Huening Kai would always be around to guide him out first. He knew there was no room for him to be selfish, the sides of one coin were never similar. Taehyun and he stood on different stones, but the same ground. Soobin should be happy, Soobin was happy. He just wasn't sure what it would mean for them, he and Huening Kai, considering none of them had ever been in relationships until now. He could only hope his luck would continue to be kind to him; he hoped things wouldn't change too much.

Soobin had assumed seeing Huening Kai would be more frequent now that they were in the same school again, but gradually through his younger friend's freshman year, he started seeing him less and less. And by sophomore year, Huening Kai had a lot of things on his plate. From joining the school's choir to constantly popping in to teacher’s tutoring sessions after school and dating his sweetheart Taehyun, he was terribly busy for junior Soobin, his best friend.

Soobin understood it, really. He was busy too, with Beomgyu, with Yeonjun, with the student council leadership position he took on after his friends had encouraged him to do so. It was inevitable that he and Huening Kai would develop an off phase in their friendship where they smiled at one another in the hallway before scrambling to class or catched up on weekends when the weekdays were too hectic for them both.

“It's weird,” Beomgyu comments on it one day during lunch. Taehyun and Huening Kai are absent again for the second time that week because they needed to go visit a teacher to finish an assignment they didn't quite understand. “You and Huening Kai don't stick to one another as often anymore. Taehyun and I would always call you guys gum, two peas in a pod. Now you're just a pea, no pod!”

Soobin snorts at his words and opts to throw a fry at him, “That's not how it works, buddy.”

“Whatever, you get what I mean.” Beomgyu rubs the tip of his nose where the fry had hit. “I hardly see Taehyun around either and when I do he's bickering with Huening Kai like an old married couple. I hate them.” He starts puking dramatically to stress his point, but Soobin unkindly tells him he's going to age faster if he keeps wrinkling his expression like that. It does the trick, Beomgyu stops pretending to gag in favor of saving his beauty for a couple more years.

“Hey, Soobin!” Yeonjun approaches their lunch table with a smile on his lips and a few of his senior friends following closely behind him.

“Hi Beomgyu. Oh hi, Yeonjun. Yes I'm doing well, what about you? Wow, that's nice. Thanks for asking.” Yeonjun rolls his eyes at Beomgyu's nagging once he's reached the table.

“ Hi ,” Yeonjun sends him a fake smile while Beomgyu only shows him the finger in retaliation before he turns to Soobin. “What are you doing Friday night? Wanna go see a movie with me?”

This isn't the first time Yeonjun has asked Soobin to hang out, in fact they study together often after school when Yeonjun is free of basketball practice and Soobin isn't running the halls decorating for student council spirit weeks. Though it isn't the first, there's certainly something different about his invitation. When they hang out it's at school or one another's homes, and they're usually always doing school work or playing video games until dinner. This isn't like one of those times, Soobin can sense it. Yeonjun is stumbling over his words to explain the longer Soobin doesn't answer him while Beomgyu has gone silent (and that in itself was always a red flag).

“Friday?” He repeats. Yeonjun nods firmly though his confidence seems to be taking a hit. “No,” he awkwardly starts, and when Yeonjun's eyes widen in horror, he realizes how harsh and downright douche he might appear. “No, I mean that would be cool, but I can't. I already promised Huening Kai we'd hang out on Friday night.”

There's a wave of relief that flashes over Yeonjun's handsome expression that brings Soobin comfort, “Oh okay, are you free Saturday?”

Perhaps Soobin should have just flat out declined him the first time, but something in the way Yeonjun smiles down at him, patient and hopeful, has him scrambling to think. Going to a movie with Yeonjun wasn't a sign of marriage, Soobin knew that. If it came down to it, Soobin was certain Yeonjun would remain respectful because it was simply who he was. He was a nice guy, Soobin trusted they would have a nice time.

“Yes,” he decides to respond. He's seeing Huening Kai on Friday and the rest of weekend except for Sunday (family day, a new implementation of his mother’s because she's worried Soobin will turn on them like every rebellious teen his age) was evidently free.

“Great,” Yeonjun flashes him a dazzling smile before giving them one more look. “I'll talk to you guys later!”

When he's gone, Beomgyu twists in his seat with laughter. “You just indirectly turned him down,” he wipes at his tears when Soobin just glares back at him, unamused. “What are you Kai doing Friday night anyway?”

“First, I didn't turn him down,” he rolls his eyes to which Beomgyu only shoots a pointed look at him that clearly reads: you wanted to though. “Second, he just wants to hang out. I'm not sure what we're doing, but he's staying for dinner.”

“Hmm,” Beomgyu responds, absentmindedly. “Taehyun must be busy then.”

His friend returns to his food, no longer interested in Soobin’s plans for the weekend. He moves the conversation to something he found funny on social media, and he's so absorbed in the small screen of his phone that he doesn't register the shift in Soobin’s mood. Taehyun must be busy, his words repeat in an endless loop against his own will. Soobin can't help the uneasy feeling it leaves though it's evident that was never Beomgyu's intentions. Even so, there's a wound they leave behind, a wound that overflows with paranoia that Soobin had become second best for Huening Kai in the past year or so. He knew dating was different, even if he had never dated, he knew Taehyun was on an entirely different plane field than him.

That unconsciously irked him, and he wasn't sure of the reason either.

“Soobin, I'm so sorry,” Huening Kai’s voice reaches his ears through the speaker of his phone. Disappointing as it was, Soobin didn't want to believe that he had expected this of his ( best? ) friend.

Huening Kai goes into an entire monologue of the events of his day before finally leading him back to the entire point of the early phone call. He couldn't hang out today, he was booked with other things such as attending an after school choir practice that he could have sworn was canceled. To top it off, it was Taehyun’s mother's birthday and Huening Kai was invited to dinner to celebrate with them at a fancy restaurant Taehyun’s father had reserved. Nevertheless, he couldn't make it and Soobin couldn’t contain his dispirited emotions.

“It's fine,” he tries his best to seem unfazed, but if Huening Kai knew him as well as he claimed he did, he would have picked up on it. The tragic part of it is that even if he did, he didn’t comment about it. That only frustrated him more, if he was honest with himself.

“I’ll make it up to you!” He shouts into the phone, quick to attempt some sort of mending to their feeble friendship that only seemed to strain the longer the days passed. “What are you doing tomorrow? Let’s go get some ice cream? Oh, hold on, Taehyun’s calling me—”

If there was a split second that Soobin considered turning Yeonjun down, again, it was gone the moment Huening Kai switched his line to answer Taehyun. His friend had unconsciously made the choice for him in that brief moment. Bothered, a bit annoyed now and no longer disappointed, Soobin still waited for him to return to the call. If Huening Kai disregarded their friendship—disregarded him —so easily for a boy, Soobin would find a way to be petty about it. Whether Huening Kai meant to do it on purpose or not, he still managed to snap something within him that had been patient for too long.

“Sorry,” Huening Kai starts again, this time mustering a soft chuckle as if what he had done held no serious consequences. “What was I saying? Oh yeah! So tomorrow we can—” the nerve that kid had sometimes, Soobin scoffed.

“Cant,” he cut in a standoffish manner. “Going to the movies with Yeonjun tomorrow.”

“Oh,” he dumbly replies which in turn makes Soobin struggle a bit with his response. To him, Huening Kai was being oddly unreadable. "Well, I know you have family days on Sunday, maybe some time next week when we’re both free—”

If Soobin hadn’t already been upset, perhaps he would have noticed that Huening Kai remembered about his family days that he used to once attend. Instead he frowns, still over analyzing the events that had taken place. "I'll be busy next week decorating the halls after school with the student council.”

“Oh,” the other boy repeats before they fall silent for a brief moment on the phone.

For the first time, Soobin feels the power of the silence weighing heavily on him. The longer he remains on the phone with Huening Kai, the more it dawns on him how they’ve managed to break every single promise to one another they’ve ever made. Where the quiet sounds of one another breathing besides their ears had been pleasant before, now there is an uneasy feeling that claws inside of Soobin’s chest. He momentarily wondered when having a conversation with one another had driven them both to a dead end.

“Okay,” Huening Kai responds first. Soobin repeats the word after him, the only difference being that his tone is quieter than the other’s. They both seem at loss with one another. “Well…”

In that moment, his mother knocks softly on his door before slipping her head inside to smile at him. “Soobin? Could you go to the store for me real fast? We're out of milk.” There's a feeling of relief that washes over him at the sight of her. Soobin tries not to think of it as an escape, but it was one he needed at that moment.

“Hey, I have to go,” Soobin hastily replies to him before his mother changes her mind. “I'll text you later. Maybe we can figure something out.”

Soobin can't help the lie that slips past his lips. Though he's petty and was still a bit annoyed with Huening Kai, he figured that was better than bidding him a quick goodbye before ending the call. Even if they both may have known that neither of them were going to carry out their words.

“Okay, sounds good,” Huening Kai responds before ending the call quickly.

Soobin throws himself back on his bed, absolutely exhausted. He only stares at the ceiling fan that’s turning, endlessly in a loop, and wonders if Huening Kai feels the pointless chase they both were going through too. One where they both turn, and turn, and turn until eventually someone flips a switch that brings them to a dramatic halt.

He also wonders if Huening Kai even misses him.

“Can I know why you and Huening Kai aren't talking to one another right now?”

Soobin looks up from his physics book with a raised brow. He decides to play aloof with Beomgyu considering the pros (there weren't any, really) and cons (there were many ) of telling him. “What do you mean? He's been busy lately, and you know I have too--”

Beomgyu purses his lips at him and takes a seat at their table with a loud clang of his tray. He's very displeased with Soobin’s response, he notes. “You know what I mean, Choi.” He lifts his fork and threatening grips it in his fist, “Taehyun and Huening Kai hardly ate lunch with us these days because of choir practice and school work , ” Soobin looks down at his book in order to shield his nervous eyes, he still nods along with Beomgyu’s words to let him know he's listening. “But it's been two weeks since I've seen them sit their asses at this table. Something happened and now no one is telling me.”

“Nothing happened, Beom--”

“Oh bullshit,” Beomgyu snaps in annoyance, successfully cutting off any act Soobin might have had up his sleeve. “This is reminding me of when Taehyun and I argued when we were kids because of something insanely dumb. Remember that? Huening Kai and I sat at a different table for a week because you chose Taehyun’s side!”

Soobin cringes at that; he did in fact remember that infamous incident. At the time he and Huening Kai had absolutely no idea what to do. Although they had chosen their sides, they still managed to sit side by side in the bus and discuss how tense their friends had been the previous days. He knew Beomgyu was using this as a comparison, and it would be applicable if it weren't for the fact that he and Huening Kai never seemed to fight like Taehyun and him. They always found a solution to their problems, well , up until recently that is.

“I see you're still salty about that,” he aims to joke, but he can practically feel the glare Beomgyu is giving him. “We didn't argue if that's what you're asking. We just haven't had the proper timing to talk or hang out, and it's starting to strain our friendship.”

Admitting it out loud is both relieving and terrifying. The first being because he’s talking about it, actually letting someone know what is happening to their friendship, but scary in the lone fact that he has no idea what would be a possible solution to this problem. A part of him also believes it’s just him being petty, or in his own head, but Beomgyu would have asked if he was the only problem because his friend has always been rather blunt and nosey.

“Yeah, I always hang out with Taehyun and Huening Kai,” Beomgyu confesses with a shrug. “At first I thought it might be because you’re busy, but then I started to notice this weird little pattern of me hanging out with you and Taehyun or Huening Kai and Taehyun.” A pattern , Soobin sighs out.

“Hmm.”

“Don’t hmm me, Soobin Choi. God,” he exclaims in annoyance. “You and Huening Kai had the same reaction when I called you out. You two are still so in sync even when you haven’t talked to one another in two weeks.”

Soobin sighs once again, “Beomgyu, it’s really not that serious.”

“It really is,” he snaps back with a frown on his lips. “I know you guys miss each other. No need to act so difficult, you know Huening Kai will come running back the moment you call him.”

No, Soobin doesn’t know that. He’s not sure Huening Kai even cares about what’s going on with him anymore. It seems that their friends have forgotten that they aren’t clumsy kids in middle school anymore. Soobin has a life too, one that hasn’t allowed him to sleep properly  through the night because his AP classes are killing him on top of president duties he has to fulfil for student council. There’s also the stress of keeping his grades high enough for the end of the year transcript that he’ll have to send out to colleges for next year. As complicated as Beomgyu wished it to be, it wasn’t. He and Huening Kai simply were too busy for one another.

“You can always make time for friends,” Beomgyu tells him in disapproval, but Soobin has already become annoyed with his friend’s good-natured meddling.

“Huening Kai doesn’t make time either,” Soobin’s tries to voice quietly, but Beomgyu hears him.

“So this is what’s happening,” he nods in understanding, and it's so sure of himself that Soobin can't help but scowl. “You and Huening Kai are just a bunch of kids.” He replies with a smile as a chuckle begins to build the longer he thinks of it.

Soobin glares at him. “What's so funny?”

“Nothing,” he turns to his food with a grin. “Let's do something this Saturday. All four of us.”

“I can't--”

“Yes you can,” Beomgyu shoots sharp eyes back up at him. “The game is Friday night, and I know stuco is gonna give you this Saturday off from volunteer work because you've guys worked so hard on spirit week this week.”

Damn, Soobin thinks. He's right.

Before he can come up with another excuse, Beomgyu already presses send on the message he'd been typing. “Gonna tell the guys to meet at my place.” He lowers his phone just a bit to send him a pointed look, “Don’t even try to get out of this one, Soobin, or I’ll personally drag you out of your house.”

He pouts at that, “Fine.” There was no point in arguing with Beomgyu; Soobin was better off accepting his defeat anyway.

Beomgyu’s best idea is having a game night.

They play video games in Beomgyu’s room, and it’s going fairly well with Soobin busying himself with Yeonjun’s chatter while Huening Kai plays games back to back with Beomgyu and Taehyun. Truthfully, Yeonjun originally wasn’t invited because Beomgyu thought it would be best to just have the four of them. (“Group therapy,” he said with a determined look that scared the shit out of Soobin because of what it could possibly entitle. “I feel like we’re all on the brink of divorce right now and I don’t like it.”) He spent the rest of the week convincing him that Yeonjun was a good friend of theirs now that deserved to be there. Beomgyu caved, and Soobin was glad he didn’t have to awkwardly sit through an entire afternoon of the other boys playing video games while he watched.

By ten pm, Soobin is drained of socializing and more worried about whether his mom left the key in the plant pot outside before she went to bed. He’s also stressed with how he’s going to get back home. Maybe he’ll have to wait until someone offers him a ride, preferably Beomgyu or Yeonjun.

“Tired yet?” Yeonjun whispers to him with a small smile. He lifts one of the pizza boxes to grab a slice, “Should I drive you home?”

“Oh, Yeonjun, you’re leaving?” Taehyun calls out, surprising Yeonjun and Soobin considering they thought the others were too busy to hear them. “If you’re going to drop off Yeonjun, could you give Huening a ride too?”

The other boy’s eyes widen and he quickly shakes his head, “No, that’s okay.” He shoots Yeonjun a nervous smile, completely avoiding Soobin’s eyes like he had been doing all night. “I’ll ask Lea to come get me after she’s done with her date.”

Taehyun makes a noise of disapproval at his words, Yeonjun only chuckles at them. “I’m fine with driving, Kai. Just let me know when you are ready.”

“You guys are leaving?” Beomgyu pauses the game and pouts at them. “The night is still so young!”

“It’s ten pm,” Soobin snorts. “Also, I think my parents forgot to place the spare key outside for me and now I’m trying to think of ways to break in because I know they’re sleeping.”

“Wow,” Taehyun chuckles at him while Yeonjun pats his back in sympathy. “Well, let’s hope that didn’t happen.”

“I guess it’s time for us to depart,” Beomgyu stands and pretends to wipe his fake tears. “I’ll miss you guys, actually, I already miss you guys and you’re still here.”

“Shut up, Beomgyu,” Taehyun pushes at his head while the other boy tries to hug him. While he fights Beomgyu, he sends Yeonjun a polite smile before asking, “Do you think you can take me home too?”

They drop Taehyun off first considering he only lives a couple blocks away from Beomgyu’s home. In his absence, Soobin becomes more aware of the fact that Huening Kai is sitting in Yeonjun’s backseat, right behind the driver seat. He can see him in his peripheral vision, and though the other boy isn’t watching him but simply staring outside the window, it still nerves him.

“You can play some music,” Yeonjun offers with a tiny laugh when he notices Soobin fumble with his phone in the passenger seat once again.

He flushes before scrambling to do just that. When his bluetooth automatically connects once he turns it on, Huening Kai unconsciously speaks up. “It connected right away,” he mumbles, but in the silence of the car he’s heard loud and clear.

Soobin swallows down and busies himself with opening his Spotify, successfully ignoring the other in the backseat. “Huh,” Yeonjun says, Soobin can hear his smile. “I guess it did.”

Soobin decides to drown the rest of the vacant spaces of the car with his music. Though the drive is short, it feels longer than necessary with Huening Kai gazing holes into the side of his head. He wished Yeonjun would speed it up, but he knows the other boy advocates for safe driving and going under the speed limit. Still, Soobin really wishes he would throw away his morals just this once and step on it.

“I’ll drop you off first, Kai, and then turn my car around and drop you off, Soobin.” Yeonjun tells them as he finally pulls up to a familiar home that Soobin used to frequent a lot growing up.

Huening Kai rushes out a mumbled, “Thanks.” Before slipping out once the car has come to a halt and rushing towards his home with long strides. Not once on his path to his front door does he turn back, Soobin can't help his disappointment.

Yeonjun waits until he’s inside before pulling out the driveway and turning the wheel so that the car curves into Soobin’s home that is just across. “I really hope they left me a key,” he sighed when he noticed the lights off from inside his home.

Yeonjun sends him a small smile, “I can wait until--”

“Soobin!” Comes a shout from across the street, both he and Yeonjun turn to the sound to see Huening Kai dart across the street in the middle of the night with a balled fist.

“Maybe he forgot something,” Yeonjun says as they watch him decrease the distances between him and the car.

Maybe, Soobin thinks, stomach churning at the sight of him. When he makes it near them, just as Soobin has shut the door of Yeonjun’s car, he grabs Soobin’s wrist and places something cold into his palm. Soobin scrunches his face in confusion and looks down just as Huening Kai explains, “It's your spare house key. Remember you gave me one in the sixth grade?”

Soobin stares at his open palm with the rusted key in it for the longest moment. He does remember when he gave it to Huening Kai, he remembers asking his mother to make another one for him considering the other boy practically lived there. (“It's for emergencies,” Soobin whined at his mother with a pout. “What if someday you forget to leave the spare out for me and I stay outside until you get home from the store. It's dangerous, anyone could just--" That had ultimately convinced her since she loved shopping for hours without worry, but not as much as she loved Soobin's safety.)

“Thanks,” Soobin, eyes still trained on the keys, says.

“Shit, I gotta go, my mom’s asking where I am.” Yeonjun calls out to them through the open window of his car, “Soobin, you're good to go in, right?”

“Yeah.”

Yeonjun sends them both a smile and a wave, “Okay! I'll see you guys on Monday!” Is the last thing he says before his car window rises and he's backing out of Soobin’s driveway.

Soobin watches his car disappear into the night with Huening Kai right next to him in silence. And when Yeonjun has successfully driven out of their neighborhood, he turns to send the other boy a stiff smile. “Thanks,” he repeats, gripping the key in his hand before turning around and heading for the front door of his home.

"Taehyun and I broke up!”

Soobin halts in his steps, eyes widening at the shout. He turns around, slowly, and meets Huening Kai’s anxious eyes. He wonders if the other could see the confusion in his, “What?” He questions because he's not sure he heard right nor is he sure why this is coming out of Huening Kai’s mouth on a Saturday night at almost eleven pm.

“We broke up,” Huening Kai repeats, nervous fingers fiddling with each other as he avoids Soobin’s gaze. “We broke up about three months ago.”

Soobin can’t contain the surprised expression that overtakes his features at the confession. He momentarily wonders if Beomgyu knew about this too and didn’t tell him. Three months. How did they manage to fool everyone--though he’s sure Taehyun’s intention was never to fool anyone, but simply the fact that he might have just concluded it was no one’s business--into think they were together. Part of Soobin is disappointed again in not knowing; he and Huening Kai had once promised to tell each other everything. Another side of Soobin knows he has no right, their friendship had steadily declined through the months and years, they owed nothing to one another. Even so, there was also the tiniest feeling of relief in Soobin at the confession. And he absolutely loathed himself for it because he’s certain Huening Kai must have suffered through the break up alone.

“We didn’t tell anyone,” Huening Kai continues in a shaky tone. He looks up at Soobin with round, uneasy eyes, “Taehyun didn’t think it was anyone’s business and I agreed with him. I just…” he struggles to find his words. Where has your confidence gone, Soobin wonders. “...thought you should know."

Soobin has many things he wants to say, many questions to ask, but he figures Huening Kai will eventually open up to him again sometime later. So instead he reaches forward and wraps his arms around the other boy, it feels natural when the other boy’s arms go around his waist. “Are you okay?” He mumbles.

“I’m okay,” Huening Kai’s muffled promises reach his ear. “Taehyun and I both agreed we were better off as friends.”

“You guys dated for so long,” Soobin whispers in the embrace, soothing hands rubbing along Huening Kai’s back even though he knew the other boy was truly okay.

Huening Kai pulls back first with a sincere smile, one that is bright enough to light the entire neighborhood. “We’re better off as friends,” he chuckles lightly. “Besides, Taehyun and I were getting sick of eachother” He jokes to lighten the mood; Soobin can’t help but smile at him.

“What are you doing tomorrow?” He suddenly asks when Huening Kai continues to linger. “We’re playing monopoly for family night,” he clumsily starts. “Do you...would you like to come over tomorrow?”

“Wow,” Huening Kai chuckles, his grin is so wide and filled with excitement. “It’s been so long since I’ve attended family night with the Chois. I’m a bit nervous, but I would love to be there.”

Soobin snorts and hits him softly, but the other boy stumbles back dramatically. “Loser,” he shakes his head with a small smile. “Be here tomorrow for dinner or else, Huening.”

The other nods his head and gives Soobin a salute, “I’ll be here. Promise.” And similar to when they were kids, he sticks his pinky out for Soobin.

He stares at his hand for a long, hard second. He had never thought he would have missed something so absurd as a childish gesture like this, but he did. He truly missed the innocent smile on Huening Kai’s lips, the one that spread warmth across his chest up until his cheeks and ears, one that brought him great comfort and made him feel just as secure as the adults in his life made him feel growing up.

“Soobin?” Huening Kai wonders, concerned and hesitant when there's no response. Soobin turns his eyes back to him. His worried expression looked so handsome, he felt at loss for words in that moment. “Did I do something wrong?”

Far from it , Soobin wanted to tell him but his lips remained frozen as his eyes roamed the lines of Huening Kai’s face. “No,” he finally says when he gazes briefly on his lips, just a split of a second, before coming back to surface. He manages to bring a smile on his face before reaching forward and locking his pinky with Huening Kai’s. “Promise.”

And the smile on the other boys lips is nothing Soobin has ever witnessed before. It leaves him lovestruck; dangerously, he can't seem to hear Huening Kai’s booming laughter over the pounding of his heart.

“I'm glad to see my group therapy worked,” Beomgyu obnoxiously starts with a grin and a tight drip on his bag of chips because Huening Kai instantly leaps for them. “Get away, Kai, I'm not giving you shit after what I just found out.”

Huening Kai pouts and plops back down on the bench next to Soobin as Beomgyu towers them with a glare. Soobin has a hunch about what this might be about, “What did I do?” Huening Kai moans with a pout, instantly tangling his arm with Soobin. “Help me out, ‘Bin.”

“No, don't,” Beomgyu points a strict index finger at the boy besides Soobin with an incredulous look. “Does Soobin know? About Taehyun and you?”

“Oh,” Huening Kai settles back onto the bench in relief upon realizing that was the reason Beomgyu was so worked up. “That we broke up?” He casually questions, Soobin matches Beomgyu's expression of shock. “I just told him about it this past weekend. I'm assuming Taehyun told you?”

“What the fuck,” Beomgyu whines, “Taehyun just told me last period! For three months?! You've guys been broken up for three months?!”

Huening Kai flushes at a boisterous voice, “Can you keep it down!” Soobin watches as he glances around the courtyard where some of his peers are relaxing on tables before burying his face in the crook of Soobin’s neck. He instantly stills when he feels Huening Kai’s warm breath near his neck, successfully rising goosebumps along his skin. “This is not for the whole student body to know!”

“Oh shit, sorry,” Beomgyu covers his mouth. He clears his throat and continues in a whisper, “Are you two okay? Do I need to schedule another group therapy?”

At that, Huening Kai giggles right under Soobin’s ear causing him to flinch away slightly. When his friend pulls away and continues his conversation with Beomgyu, he spends his time gripping the ends of his school uniform and trying his best to will away the blush on his cheeks before any of them notice. But the longer he tries, the more he fails. His hands begin to get clammy when he feels Huening Kai land an innocent hand along his knee, an unconscious gesture he does often when he's absentmindedly in a conversation because he enjoys physical touch with those he's closest too. It drives Soobin insane now, makes his ear reach a new height of heat and causes a loud ping in his hearing that drowns out Huening Kai’s and Beomgyu's bickering voices.

He's doomed.

“Right, Soobin?” There’s a slight push to his shoulder that successfully cuts the ping noise in his head. His vision goes back into focus to see Huening Kai, school uniform rumpled, with a charming smile on his lips.

“Huh?” He blinks back at him.

His friend only throws an arm over him and returns back to Beomgyu, sticking his tongue at him in a childish manner. “I'm his favorite. You've been replaced, Gyu. There's only one person allowed to be in Soobin’s heart and it's me!”

Beomgyu stomps his foot, “I will break you--”

“Guys!” Taehyun comes rushing over them with a bread filled with jelly in one hand and a paper in the other. His smile is full of pearly whites when he reaches them, out of breath and absolutely stoked. “My audition went well! I got a solo for the next choir concert!”

“That’s great, Tae.” Beomgyu leaps on him, throwing his arms over him to congratulate him.

When they pull apart, Taehyun’s bright expression turns to them, expectant. Soobin swallows down hard, becoming increasingly aware of how glued Huening Kai is to him in that moment and filling a tad bit awkwardly with showing this to Taehyun. Huening Kai did say they broke up and were on friendly terms, but it still felt a bit odd for Soobin to act like his two friends hadn’t been together for a year and half.

He tries his best to shrug Huening Kai off in a discreet, soft manner that doesn’t upset the boy. Taehyun locks eyes with him, smile still wide and bright, Soobin tries his best to return the look. “We should celebrate,” he exclaims, and thankfully both Huening Kai and Beomgyu jump on the idea.

Their interest in discussing what they should do allows Soobin to ease back on the bench. He remains quiet for the remainder of their free period and only speaks when he needs to give his opinion or if a question is directed to him. The pinging returns and leaves every time Huening Kai shifts towards or when he lightly grazes his hand along his back in passing, and then it’s gone when he shifts away with the conversation. Each time it happens, he flickers his eyes towards Taehyun. The other boy never misses his gaze, but contrary to what Soobin might fear, he’s always flashing him a smile at him that reeks of sincerity.

Something about his smile speaks louder than words. It's one that seems to try and tell Soobin that it’s alright; everything was alright.

“You don’t have to worry about the past,” Taehyun finally corners him a month or so later. Soobin, though he still tried to attempt it, never stood a chance at running away from him. Taehyun was smart, quick and full of wit; it was no surprise that he was the only one to pick up on Soobin’s behavior, but more so of a surprise that it took him this long to pin him down about the problem. “What has it been? Almost six months?”

“What?”

“Since Kai and I broke up,” Taehyun continues, eyes scanning his notes in the school’s library. Finals were looming over them and Soobin had agreed to stay with Taehyun afterschool and study because Huening Kai or Beomgyu would just distract him. “He and I are seriously better off as friends.”

“You guys dated for a year,” Soobin points out, gripping his highlighter in his hold as he tries to find the words for his friend. “Don’t you miss him? Don’t you miss being with him?”

Taehyun finally turned to look up. His wide eyes seem to be clouded with thought, “Not really.” He confesses with a tiny laugh, “We still hang out every once and awhile, and we see eachother every day at school…” he trails off. “It more so took us a year and half to figure out we didn’t love each other.”

“Love,” Soobin repeats, aimlessly.

“Yeah,” Taehyun shrugs before a brief moment of silence passes by them. In its absence, it leaves Taehyun with a peculiar question. “Do you think you've ever experienced a first love?”

Soobin pauses to think, “Hmm…” 

There was once a time in middle school when he had a crush on someone in his class, her name was Yeji. She was very nice and stood up for him whenever the kids would choose to playfully target him; she was also his frist kiss. There was also the time he briefly thought he had a crush on Beomgyu, but that was short lived and quickly debunked when he witnessed his friend chug a can of coke and then proceed to burp the ABCs. (“I’m gonna audition for the talent show with this,” Beomgyu said with a greasy smile. Soobin only stared at him in horror, “Please don’t. If you do, I’m gonna tell everyone that I was paid to be your friend.” Beomgyu only laughed at him and popped another can open, “Oh yeah? You're going to eat your words when I win, Choi.”)

Love was a strong word, that was a given. Apart from Yeji, Beomgyu, and possibly Yeonjun, Soobin had never had a crush on anyone else. So to tell Taehyun that yes, he has been in love, would be a terrible lie. He had yet to experience having a first love, he thought.

“No,” he confesses with a simple shrug. “I guess I haven’t.”

Taehyun turns visibly confused after that, he tilts his head at Soobin in a puzzled manner. “Seriously?” Soobin shakes his head up and down, “Oh wow, I thought…” he stops himself with a frown.

Soobin licks his dry lips and sends him an awkward smile, “I know, I’m weird.”

“No, that’s not it. I’ve also never experienced being in love but, ” Taehyun assures him with a pat of his shoulder. “I just… I mean, Beomgyu claims Wonjin was his first love. And Huening Kai has had one, and sometimes I’m sure he’s still in love with his first love--”

“What?” Soobin repeats, breathless. There's an odd, sharp pain in his chest at the words; he scrambles for answers. “Huening never told me he had a first love.”

For the first time in a while, Soobin witnesses Taehyun’s expression drop. It goes from puzzled to worried in a matter of seconds, it drives Soobin mad with questions. “Oh, um,” he darts his eyes away from him and chooses to bury himself in the pages of his school book. “Did I say Huening Kai? I meant Yeonjun--”

“Taehyun,” he sighs out, successfully cutting him off of any excuses he might have. “You don't have to air him out, it's okay. But are there some things you aren't telling me?” He pauses for a moment, afraid. “Are there some things Huening is keeping from me again?”

Again. Simply because Soobin can't forget the time they were apart or the time Huening Kai didn't keep his promise. Soobin has also failed, and he's also played a crucial part in the time they've lost. It's still frightening to think they could go back to that, that Huening Kai would just simply get tired of him or of building their friendship and it would only result in Soobin losing him. He meant a lot to him, more than Huening Kai could ever imagine. To Soobin, he was the beginning of a lot of twists and turns in his life. He had been his first for nearly everything growing up, so Soobin never wanted to lose those moments with his best friend. Everything simply felt right in place with him.

“Can I ask you one question?” Taehyun asks, a comforting smile on his lips as he reaches over to place a gentle hand over Soobin’s. “Do you love Huening Kai?”

“Yes,” he answers without hesitation because they're best friends and Soobin loves him just as much as he loves Beomgyu and Taehyun.

“No,” Taehyun shakes his head and grips his hand. His eyes pierce into him, and they seem almost pleading for Soobin to realize something he isn't sure of. “Are you in love with Huening Kai?”

This time Soobin doesn't answer fast enough, but his hesitation is enough to have Taehyun smile for the both of them. He rubs the back of Soobin’s hand, “If you do…” he starts, encouraging and reliable. “You should tell him.”

Soobin feels his entire world crash down on him in that moment, he shakes in fright. “No, I really can't, this really shouldn't happen--”

He lowers his head and catches Soobin’s eyes when he lowers his head, ashamed. “It's okay to be scared, just don't distance yourself from him again. I saw how much it stressed him out the last time, and I know you must have felt the same too.”

Soobin shook his head, “Taehyun, this is dumb. I'm dumb--”

“You're not,” Taehyun chuckles, softly. And with one last finally comforting gaze, he smiles and says, “Nothing is dumb about being in love with your best friend. Not when the universe is pointing you two in the same direction.”

“No way,” Huening Kai laughs in his ear as they lay in Soobin’s bed after school on a Thursday. “Beomgyu liked Wonjin? That’s crazy.”

“Yeah, apparently Wonjin thought he was super annoying when they were kids and Beomgyu just wanted to give him a big smooch.” Soobin can’t help but laugh at their friend’s misfortune too. He had asked Beomgyu to tell him the story of his first love after speaking with Taehyun and the other boy only cringed before reciting an entire story, almost as if he had been waiting for the moment for someone to ask him about it.

“Crazy,” Huening Kai repeats, arm over his stomach as he tries to tame his laughter.

An opportunity opens up then, but Soobin can’t speak. Huening Kai’s eyes are moon crescents, a beautiful sight that he can’t help but lock in his memories for him to selfishly keep. The other boy doesn’t look at him, only continues to slow his laughter, head turned up to the ceiling, as Soobin’s gaze remains stuck on his side profile. Beautiful, absolutely breathtaking; the sight of him took everything from Soobin, leaving nothing but a tightened chest and itching fingers to touch his nose, his eyes, his lips, anything that belonged to the other boy.

It was fruitless though, he would never love him in the way Soobin had come to find he desperately desired.

“You know,” Huening Kai, eyes still glued to the ceiling and laughter long dissolved into soft breaths. “When I was a kid, I had such a big crush on you.” The confession knocks the wind out of Soobin, leaving him tossing at the word had. And tragically as it sounded, an opportunity seemed to be missed again in Soobin’s eyes. “I knew you didn’t like me like that. Seeing you chase after Yeji, it made me realize ah , I’m really not someone capable of getting Soobin Choi to like me back.”

Wrong, Soobin thought. For Huening Kai was terribly wrong, he was more capable than Yeji or Yeonjun, or anyone else for that matter, was. He had managed to capture something much larger; he had managed to become Soobin’s first love. The timing was just terribly off for them, Soobin thought sadly.

“I think I cried to my mom for like a week,” Huening Kai laughs, sheepish as he recalls the memories. “That was better than losing you though, I was really scared you’d find it odd when we were kids.”

Soobin closes his eyes at his words. He wonders if Huening Kai turns his head, he would see a mirror of himself in Soobin’s eyes. If only he would turn and look at him, if only. “Why would I?” Soobin quietly tells him. Everything remains black because he’s afraid if he opens his eyes, he’d realize he was dreaming. As selfish as it was, Soobin wanted nothing more but to hear this story over and over again until it was true.

He can feel Huening Kai shift for a shrug, “I don’t know.” There’s a moment of silence, one filled with Huening Kai’s peaceful breaths and Soobin’s pause where he doesn’t breath. “But this feels right, this feels better.”

“What does?” Soobin, afraid, peels his eyes open again to see Huening Kai’s softer ones already on his.

“You and I being best friends,” Huening Kai confesses in a whisper, eyes darting down for a split second to his lips before returning back to his gaze. Convinced, he crashes Soobin’s entire world when he concludes, “I’d rather us be like this than not having you at all.”

Summer comes with a vengeance against them.

“My parents want to go visit my grandparents for the summer,” Huening Kai sighs out with a whine, kicking the sheets like a child.

“That sounds fun,” Soobin smiles at him, absolutely endeared by the sight of him.

“They live in the middle of nowhere, Bin.” He sits up and rushes over to him, startling Soobin when their eyes lock and his hands land on his shoulders. They’re a mere inches apart from one another’s lips when Huening Kai whines out, “I’ll have no reception to talk to you. How am I going to handle the summer without you?” He leans forward and presses his forehead to Soobin’s clothed collarbone, “I wanted to spend the summer with you, considering we weren’t really on speaking terms for the last one.”

Soobin leans his cheek on Huening Kai’s head. His hair tickles his skin, but he refuses to move from the touch. “Summer will go by fast.” He tries his best to assure the boy with soothing fingers rushing through his brown locks.

Huening Kai sighs against his shoulder. He’s still for an entire minute before he finally, reluctantly, pulls away from Soobin first. He hadn’t wanted him to go, “Promise?”

As expected, his pinky is out again for Soobin to take. He does so with no hesitation, “Promise.” Their hands drop between them as their eyes meet, but their pinkies remain curled around one another. Soobin swings their arms lightly, “When do you leave?”

The other boy only pouts, “In a week.”

Soobin manages to give him the widest smile he could muster in the situation. He, too, didn’t want Huening Kai to go and be gone for an entire summer, but it was neither of their decisions to make. So, like a great best friend, he gave him one last promise. “Well then, let’s make the most of this week, yeah?”

Soobin had always been told he was lucky, but as he grew older and faced the harsh realities of life, he had begun to think it was all running out.

“You have to tell him,” Taehyun says with an eager look and a stern tone as he and Beomgyu look out the window towards Huening Kai’s home where the boy’s parents packed the car with luggages. “He’s going to be gone for the summer, Soobin! And knowing you, you won’t tell him when he comes back either.”

“Normally, I like disagreeing with Taehyun for the fuck of it,” Beomgyu says, bonoculars on though they can see Huening Kai’s house perfectly from Soobin’s window. “But he has a point. That boy is in love with you, he’s been in love with you since we were in middle school. You two are just dumb.”

“You wouldn’t say that if you were there,” Soobin frowns at them with crossed arms. “He said we were better as--”

“Best friends, yes, we know.” Taehyun rolls his eyes, “You’ve told us this story a thousand times and everytime I hear ‘I like you, but you don’t like me, so I think I’d rather have you as a friend than not at all’ .”

“Well you’re hearing it wrong--”

“No, you’re hearing it wrong--”

“Guys!” Beomgyu roughly hits both of their shoulders. “I think Kai’s leaving already, also he’s running across the street over here, what do we do?”

“What do you mean we ?” Taehyun starts, grabbing Soobin by the shoulders and twirling him around until he’s pushing him out of his own bedroom. “Hurry and talk to him before he goes or you’re going to regret it for the rest of the summer until he comes back.”

He had a point. Even if Soobin was scared shitless, he needed to see Huening Kai before he was gone. Perhaps he was being too dramatic, perhaps they were all being terribly dramatic; he didn’t care. Nothing is dumb about being in love, the little voice in his head told him. It was the exact things Taehyun had told him in the library, nothing was wrong with Soobin wanting to hold Huening Kai, wanting to kiss him and run his fingers through his air as the other boy’s breath evened out against his cheek. It may have seemed simple to everyone else, but Huening kai had become something similar to the world for Soobin.

“This sucks,” Huening Kai tries to lighten the mood by joking once they’ve met in Soobin’s driveway. “But good for you, I won’t be able to annoy you for the summer.”

“Too long,” Soobin croaks out.

Huening Kai looks at him, alarmed. “What?”

“Too long without you,” Soobin confesses with a turn of his lips.

“You make it sound like I’ll be gone forever,” the other boy laughs, reaching out to grab Soobin’s wrist and pull him in a tight embrace. His cheek automatically lands on his shoulder, he mumbles against it, “I’m going to try my best and figure out how to get a hold of you. Even if I have to climb on top of my grandparents house just to get reception.”

Soobin can’t help but laugh at that, “Don’t, you’ll get hurt.”

Huening Kai wrapped his arms around his waist in that moment, and confidently claimed, “If it’s for you, I don’t mind.”

With his friend in his arms, another opportunity rises. He tosses Taehyun and Beomgyu’s words in his head, thinking of his own and the probabilities. If he does this now, he’ll have a summer to think, Huening Kai will also have a summer to process Soobin’s mistakes. (“Don’t say that,” Yeonjun pursed his lips as Soobin held his head low. “Me liking you and you not liking me back isn’t a mistake on your part or mine. I don’t consider my feelings for you a mistake, so don’t ever consider yours one.” He patted his head, and with a genuine smile, he said. “The different things we feel for the people around us aren’t mistakes; this is something neither of us can help.”)

Not a mistake , he reminded himself.

Just this once, Soobin wanted to be confident too. He had never been, even as a kid. Beomgyu was confident, Taehyun too, even Huening kai; never him. He had spent the entirety of his life patiently waiting for luck to throw the cards in his direction, and while it might have worked then, it’s different now. Huening Kai was all grown up, he should too. Just this once, Soobin wanted to give it a try. He wanted to shout with confidence, at the top of his lungs like he always wished he had done when he was kid.

“Huening,” he starts, swallowing down the nerves that he battles with. And when the other boy rises from his shoulders, eyes filled with yearning, Soobin sees himself in them. “I’m in love with you.”

Huening Kai doesn’t respond or move immediately, but his eyes shift to something similar to enamored by his declaration. Relief washes over Soobin, and before he can speak again, Huening Kai’s lips are on his. They’re soft, kind, comforting as he always thought they would be. His hands are warm and large on his cheeks, pressing desperately as he cups him; Soobin can only return the grip on the edge of his shirt. Everything felt right in the breathless moments of Huening Kai moving his lips along his, slow and patient, as Soobin fell harder and harder.

Fighting against everything, against every probability, had been useless.

Huening Kai was just as in love with Soobin as he was with him.

“I’ve seriously been so in love with you since we were kids,” Huening Kai confesses when he pulls away, pulling him into another tight embrace that Soobin matches.

“I have too,” Soobin promises. “I just didn’t realize it until now, sorry.”

The other boy in his arms laughs at him, “Don’t be. If it’s you, I can wait a long time."

“Huening!” A shout comes from across the street, Soobin peers over the boy’s shoulders to see Huening Kai’s parents call for him. He sighs, giving the boy in his arms another tight squeeze before pulling away, slowly.

“I’ll be back soon,” Huening Kai says, leaning forward to press a peck to his lips. Their second kiss, he muses with flushed cheeks. “I’m gonna figure out this no reception crap, I swear to you, Soobin Choi.”

Soobin laughs and sticks his pinky out for the other boy. When Huening Kai tilts his head at it, in confusion, he says, “Promise me you’ll be back soon.”

And similar to when they were kids, Huening Kai’s curls his pinky around his. “Promise,” is all he says, a smile on his lips that is one of a man who has just won the lottery. Soobin, cheeks hurting from being in his first love’s arms, mirrors him.

And when he witnessed Huening Kai practically jump in the air on his journey back home, he realized he was wrong. His luck hadn’t completely ran out on him just yet.