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It was yet again the end of another year.
With his fingers sliding down the now empty bottle, Saku Uruha looked around the closed space filled with energy. Christmas lights enlightened that guy’s living room, and, if he thought about it too much, he would laugh at the image of that asshole decorating the place, putting a star on top of the tree. He wasn’t in the mood, however.
There were laughs, surrounding him faintly, but he paid no mind. They weren’t directed at him, afterall.
He glanced at his so called friends, gathered in small groups, trapped in their happy bubble that came with the holidays. Kokoro held a blue dress to his chest, hugging it to show how grateful he was. Who gave it, even? Well, that Runa, probably, who smiled warmly as he looked directly at his friend. Momo too, jumped around, two gifts in hand, waiting for the chance to hand them.
They all talked and laughed to celebrate another year that had passed. Well, not yet. It’s not even the end of the month, there’s a few days until. It’s Christmas Eve but, as everyone would go different ways for New Year, they were already celebrating for two.
Hah.
Good for them.
Saku glanced around again, not bothering to pretend his focus wasn’t on the balcony, where two people leaned against each other, sharing thoughts and smiles. Issei leaned down, his face so close, so goddamn close, and she laughed, not bothering to put some distance. Be more careful, will you? She smiles again and, fuck, this sucks.
Whatever was left on his cup, it burns its way down.
He wants to go there. He wants to walk right there, in front of everyone, and take her by the arm to somewhere where they can be alone. His house, hers, it doesn’t matter. Or maybe someplace far, far away, where no one would be able to find her. Lock her up on the tallest floor in the tallest tower, just like a princess from a fairytale. Maybe not. If she was one, that meant a prince would look for her, out of duty or ‘pure love’.
How stupid, as if a prince could love her more than he did.
The ‘prince’ looked her in the eyes, saying nothing for a while, and so did the princess, lost in his eyes before looking away, embarrassed.
A smile appeared on his own lips, bitterly.
Would that make him a dragon, then?
He can’t afford to fuck up. Not today, in front of everyone. In front of her. In front of that Issei. Of course he can’t, he isn’t that stupid, he isn’t that imprudent. Wait for the right moment, it will come. If it doesn’t, I’ll make it myself.
But, if he could, he would hide her away. Somewhere so far away. What a christmas gift would that be.
Still, there’s nothing he can do, so he just watches as that asshole makes her laugh again.
A lonely soul, he sits in the only chair in the kitchen. All the others were brought to the living room, as the couch wasn’t enough for all of them. He sits sideways, his back leaning against the wall, an empty cup resting lazily on his numb hands, an equally empty bottle abandoned on the table. There’s a high chance he gulped it all alone. It doesn’t matter. At some point, someone came to talk to him. Baber? Eva? Whoever it was, that person had already left long ago, noticing the daze he was lost in.
... He’s gonna regret it the next day.
Yet, a next day is just a next day. Himself from the future will deal with it, himself from the present hopes for a few more gulps, the only way for him to deal with that scene. It’s not like he can even go home, leaving her with that bastard.
Closing his eyes for a bit, he groaned.
When he opened it again, god knows how many minutes had passed since, his vision spined and he looked up at the flickering kitchen lights. Beneath them, like a ghost, someone hid in the corner.
That shadow, who it was? It took a while for Saku to remember. They said it when he arrived, being introduced to everyone who never saw him before… Kuro Yakaku? Well, it’s not like Saku to remember a random man’s name, especially when his soulmate was right next to him but, oh, it was hard to not pay attention. Not with the way the Kuro guy glared daggers whenever she passed by.
… What kind of relationship those two have. Or even better, what kind of relationship those two had?
Don’t look at her, idiot, even if you are looking out of pure hate. You aren’t allowed even that.
The ‘Kuro Yakaku’ glanced at the dish piles on the sink, disgusted, probably containing a weird urge to clean them up. Then, his eyes moved around. To Yuzuki, making Saku’s hair stand up before Kuro averted his gaze, quickly, moving to another target.
That guy… Seiya Aido?
Yes, he vaguely remembers they came together, Seiya pulling his arm to happily introduce him to everyone else. Yet, there he was, in the middle of a crowd as if he was Santa himself, entertaining everyone while his shadow, who he would truly entertain, hid in the kitchen.
It was even worse for Saku, who wasn’t even noticed by the shadow himself.
He laughed.
The shadow; this ghost, looked at him, eyebrows lifted in arrogance. His thoughts were clear even for the drunken man on the other side of the room. Saku just knew that guy’s head was going wild with insults. He laughed again.
“Stop it,” the shadow finally spoke, “you are creeping me out.”
Saku showed no surprise. A coquettish smile, he leaned his head to the side, “Oh? Am I?”
“You look stupid, laughing alone” and he dared sigh, as if it the state of that stranger bothered him so much. “Are you drunk?”
“Guess~”
That man showed a complicated face, as if not sure if he should pay attention to this man he had never seen in his life. However, that man was still friends with a friend, wasn’t he? “Who’s stupid enough to sit alone in a Christmas party to drink by himself?”
“Aren’t you alone too?”
“I’m…” Saku noticed his eyes rolling to the side, sparing a glance at another blonde, a pure ray of sunshine, before dismissing the question as gibberish, “... just resting.”
“Resting, yes, from a party.”
“What the-” and now he’s angry. “What do you even know? I’m not here to hear shit from some random drunk idiot I’ve never met and....”
Saku’s head fell to his side, tired.
“And…”
His vision was getting foggy. That guy’s black hair was all he could distinct, as the shadow came closer.
“... You should really stop drinking.”
Saku hummed, a smile reappearing in his lips. Not that he even knew why he was smiling for.
“You don’t look well.”
He’s not.
And, before his foggy vision blacks out, the last thing he sees clearly is that guy’s frowning in worry, right in front of him.
It’s cold when he wakes up.
Soon, Saku finds out why. Maybe it is because he’s outside, in the middle of winter. Maybe it’s because he’s directly sitting in the snowy sidewalk. Maybe it is because he’s alone again.
No, not the last option.
When he looks up, that guy is there, leaning against the wall, too focused on his cellphone to acknowledge Saku’s presence. Kuro lifts his hand, slims fingers coming to his hair to delicately tuck a lock of dark hair behind it, an unconscious act. Said hand was then place beneath his left arm, to warm it up. It’s just when he turns off his phone, a faint smile on the corner of his lips, that he notices Saku’s already awake.
They look at each other, quietly. It’s not silent, as the noise of snow being crashed beneath passerby’s feets were loud, along with random conversations in this busy, illuminated night. Still, they just stood there, fake silence lingering between them.
Saku looked up, elbows resting on his bent knee, Kuro looked down, waiting for the first word to happen.
Still, Saku wasn’t the one who’d get that word out. He was lost in a daze, taking in the way Kuro’s nose was red with the cold, how his dark, dark locks contrasted with the white scenery behind, how well it matched his fair skin, his purple lips that showed his freezing state. And, for a fraction of a second, Saku wondered what Kuro was seeing. In his appearance, in the way he portrayed himself, what was Kuro looking, truly? What was he thinking?
That he looked dumb, probably.
Kuro, then, twists his red nose and crosses his arms, angrily, “Awaken yet, sleeping princess?”
Saku laughs, no real emotion in it, “If I were one, maybe I need a kiss to take me out of my slumber.”
He just rolls his eyes, knowing to take a joke, “You reek of alcohol. I’ve already called a taxi, hope you have money to pay it.”
“Why are we outside?”
“Everyone left. Todoroki Issei didn’t want to let you sleep there, so I had to carry your drunken ass here.”
“And throw me in the snow.”
“Am I supposed to carry an idiot around?”
Saku snorted and leaned his head against the wall. It was cold, still, he closed his eyes, not bothering with temperature anymore. His whole body was already numb, after all.
“... H-hey, why are you closing your eyes for? Don’t even think of sleeping again, you…”
“Did she leave?”
Faced with the sudden whisper, Kuro hesitated, “What?”
“Did she leave?”
“Who?”
“She.”
And, for a moment, Kuro goes quiet, unwilling to recognize her existence, though he clearly knew who they were talking about. After a while unanswered, Saku opened his eyes again, staring directly at him.
“Is she inside?”
“...No.”
Saku smiles.
He wanted to take her home today. They could’ve walked together, be one of those passersby who crushed the snow beneath their steps, her hand on his pocket. I love you, I love you, I love you… He would repeat again and again, if he had the chance.
The chance was already lost but, is she wasn’t with that guy, then that was enough. “Good.”
“...Why?”
“What.”
“Why you ask?”
“Why…” a small chuckle warms the winter night. “Why wouldn’t I ask about the person I love.”
Kuro stared at him for a while, stunned, words leaving his mind as he appeared to think of something else. “Shameless” and Saku laughs again.
Saku only has time to shrug before the taxi arrived, buzzing as if to tell him to come soon, as the traffic was terrible today. Conjuring all the will a drunken man have, Saku got up and then inside the car but, before he could close the door, he looked at Kuro, who still leaned against the wall.
“Aren’t you coming?”
“I called it for you.”
“Still…”
“You reek. I refuse to share a taxi with you.”
Saku blinks, but still smiles in amusement as he closes the door and gives his address to the driver, who quickly starts the engine. Before they turn the corner, Saku looks back, spying through frozen glass.
Kuro’s walking in the opposite direction.
Was he, perhaps, waiting for him to leave first…? He didn’t even call a taxi…
Saku wanted to laugh out loud, to throw his head back and let everything out but he knew his place, the driver would be scared by the sudden action. He may be a lunatic, but it’s not good to let random people know it.
So he kept to himself.
That night, he fell asleep on the floor as soon as he came home.
As it happened every other year, the year had come to an end.
There’s no christmas party this year. Everyone found a date, it seems. Even Kokoro, that cheeky brat, or even that weird one, Hikaru. Even the twins found something else to do, and so the party was dismissed.
… Not that it actually mattered, as the real reason the party was canceled was because Yuzuki got a date.
Does she even know she has a date? The word is bitter on Saku’s mouth. He wanted to be with her this year, alone, and so does he wants for the next year and the one that will follow, he wants to walk next to her, her hand in his pocket to protect it from the cold. He wants to lean down, look her in the eyes and see the christmas lights reflecting on them as he tells again and again, I love you, I love you, I love…
Yet, when he asked, she smiled nervously. She already had a date, she apologized, she’ll be out with that bastard.
The moment was frozen. Saku wanted to leave without a word, to beat that bastard to ashes, kill him for robbing their moment.
That guy will never be able to appreciate it, the lights on her eyes, the dress she’d have picked so carefully, her hair tied in a special way just for an only, single night. He wouldn’t appreciate it the right way, not like Saku would.
There’s an urge inside his heart, to take her far away so they can celebrate Christmas together all alone, locked inside with no need or care for the world outside, as they had their own Eden.
Yet, he couldn’t.
So he smiled back with a simple ‘I see.’
There’s no party this year, and, even if there was one, Saku felt no need to go if she wasn’t there. If she was out with someone else. This year, then, he walked aimless all by himself, knowing he couldn’t be alone at home.
Hope grew inside his heart with each corner he turned. If destiny decided to treat him nicely, once, a Christmas miracle, he could find her randomly as he walked around those busy streets. He’d smile, pretend it was just a happy accident. What a coincidence, destiny must want me to tag along.
God, that Issei would be so fucking mad.
The thought made him chuckle.
Destiny, however, wasn’t as kind.
As he walked, trying to evade the dense crowd who didn’t even look where they went, his shoulder bumped against something, someone. Saku turned around, intending to apologize, and understood destiny wanted him to meet someone else this night.
This man in front of him, he’s familiar. They’ve met before, judging by the way the man’s eyes widened for a moment before stepping down from his surprise. Oh, yes, they’ve met. They have met only once, however, and not met again for a year.
Yes, the last time he saw Kuro was exactly a year ago, on the party.
Saku glanced at him, quickly taking notice of his appearance. He’s just the same as last year, no big changes, with his hair styled to the side and thick winter clothes which he tried to hid further in, afraid of the cold. His purplish eyes were back to normal, but he opened his mouth slightly before closing it again, waiting for Saku to recognize him first.
“Oh! Aren’t you a friend of Yuzuki? It’s been so long!”
And, next to Kuro, that blonde guy, Seiya Aido, walking side to side.
Seiya recognized him first and smiled brightly, though Saku hummed and paid not much attention to him. He continued to stare firmly at Kuro, wanting him to greet him too.
“... The drunk from last year” Kuro avoided his gaze.
“And the gentle soul who sent me home.”
“Is that what happened?” Seiya’s interest picked up. “Sorry, Kuro, I went ahead alone. I should’ve stayed behind to help you!”
“It’s… fine” he glanced back at Saku. “I hope you didn’t bother the driver.”
“I arrived safely, thanks.”
“Well, that’s…” he sighed. “Don’t get too drunk today. Even better, don’t drink. I feel bad for whoever will need to stay behind for you sorry ass.”
“You don’t need to speak like that, Kuro…” Seiya laughs, truly not minding the wording. “I didn’t know about this! Kuro, you should’ve told me…”
“It wasn’t important anyways.”
Saku watched quietly as they exchanged words, helplessly not knowing what to do, “It’s ben a year already, huh…”
He still remembers it, faintly, backed up with his drunk memories. The way that guy leaned closed to her, or Kuro’s face next to him, worried, or the shallow talk they had in the snow. He had worse parties, however.
“Yeah! It passed so fast I didn’t even notice. What about you, Kuro?”
Kuro shrugged and looked away, at the people walking past, as if it didn’t matter to him.
Seiya pulled him by the shoulder, almost into his embrace. Sheltering from the cold, or maybe just from the need of being closer to him. Saku wasn’t stupid, he knew he was interrupting. And not like he actually wanted to stay.
He forced his lips to curl up, “Well, then, I’m taking my leave.”
Seiya smiled back, full teeth, “Hope to see you soon!”
Saku didn’t bother answering with words, just a nod, and glanced at Kuro again, who avoided his gaze.
Even this guy had a date, huh…
With nothing else, he turned around and walked home.
He didn't sleep a wink that night.
There’s a party this year.
This year, he walked alone again.
There’s a party this year, but it’s not like his presence is required there. It’ll be awkward if he shows up, he knows that much, and what will he do? Get dead drunk again, so he won’t drown in jealousy as he watches that lovely, oh so lovely couple.
So he lies, saying he already has something to do when Yuzuki invites him.
He’s not sure if she believed, he’s not sure if she did. Truth, he didn’t want to know. He didn’t want to know, if she was relieved, if she was sad he wouldn’t be going, there’s no need for him to know. He’s afraid of what knowing will do to him.
Yuzuki looked down, back then, and then looked up, “I see… So, I’ll wish you Merry Christmas in advance!”
Yes, merry Christmas.
It’s now Christmas and, with the year almost ending, Saku looks back at his progress this year.
… What progress.
In the middle of the year, he confessed. More than the love confession he’d repeat every day, repeating them so much they had become empty, a pure joke in her ears. He confessed clearly, out loud, everything he felt so she wouldn’t misunderstand.
Yuzuki looked down, deciding on his words, and said quietly, “Thank you.”
He was rejected.
He knew he would be.
He prepared years for that rejection, but still, the air flew out of his lungs as if he was drowning underwater, falling deep into the sea into a darkness that, if he ever fell into, he knew he’d never be found again. Slowly, he watched as the land slowly grew distant, and he knew he would not be able to swim back there.
In fact, he had already been drowning long ago, slowly sinking but, now, the water finally invaded each corner of his body, and he screamed underwater, letting more and more water in. More than sinking, he felt like dying.
Saku calmly smiled.
“I know, it’s alright.”
But if he ever hurt you...
It’s been months since that night but it still burnt in his memory, making him mind hazy and numb. Whenever it came back to his mind, he couldn’t think clearly. Part of him thought of taking her back. She was his afterall, a treasure stolen by a dirty thief. The other half tried to be alright. As long as she’s happy. Even though he could make her so much happier, he had to take in down and breathe.
This latter party only existed after years of fearing a future rejection.
It’s been months, but he was still avoiding her.
Of course, he clicked on her social media everyday, at multiple hours of the day. More than he should, even. He’d still watch through the window as she waited on the bus stop every morning, yet, he dared not approach. The first time they talked was her who came to his door, inviting him for the party.
But there’s no more reason to go.
He should be… at this fake family gathering he lied about. Instead, he walked in the part at ungodly hours, afraid of his feet moving without him knowing, leading him to her house.
It wouldn’t be too bad.
Saku stopped in the middle of the part. There’s a giant white Christmas tree, decorated with every light, every color, everything possible. On top of it, a giant shiny star, probably half of Saku himself.
Frozen there, he told himself, what a beautiful sight.
Hours ago, this park was buzzing with life. Kids played around, couples whispered to each other, friends laughed together. But, now, at such an hour, few souls could be seen still lingering around. Drunken souls, mostly.
And a familiar soul, one Saku took a while to recognize.
Kuro Yakaku, wasn’t it? The man who sat at the bench, cleaning the tears off his eyes.
Saku stood there, mesmerized.
Kuro was there, his dark hair messy, gloveless hands showing slender fingers that rubbed his puffy eyes, pinkish from crying. His coat was open, as if he put it in a hurry to leave, and the scarf was almost falling from his neck. He didn’t seem bothered by the cold, he had bigger problems than that, yet, his cheeks and red were red. From crying? From the cold? All Saku knew was that he, suddenly, wasn’t in the park anymore.
He was sinking, deeper, deeper, and, when he looked around in darkness, there was light underwater.
And he approached it, still not sure if he wanted to adventure deep into it.
“Hey.”
Kuro glanced up, forgetting his usual harsh tone, “Go away.”
Saku sat.
In fact, he was never good with this. It was extremely awkward whenever he tried to comfort someone, be it a friend or even a crying child. Just… He wasn’t good at dealing with this kind of situation.
Normally, he’d likely avoid such confrontations.
Today was different, however. His feet moved by themselves and, now, he couldn’t back away. Was it loneliness? A hopeless sensation invaded his body and he didn’t want to admit how nervous he was.
“... Are you alright?”
Kuro snorted.
That was an answer by itself.
Saku looked at the big star shining brightly against the dark night. “I know it’s weird, this stranger appearing out of nowhere. Again. It’s just… We met again, you’re crying, it’s not like it’ll be that hard for me to hear you out.”
“I don’t even know you.”
“Maybe that’s why it will be easier to talk.”
For a long while, Saku thought he did the wrong thing. Kuro went deadly quiet, making Saku wait for the moment he would get up and leave. Saku, also, couldn’t just get up after what he said. He didn’t want to.
So they stood in silence, side to side.
“...There's something I can't reach."
Saku's head moved on its own, surprised by the sudden thought being voiced, not expecting Kuro to actually speak. From this angle, his face couldn't be seen, "Why can't you?"
"I don't know, it's like… It's right in front of me, and I just need to lift my arm to grab it, but there's something holding my arm in place. And I know I'm the one holding myself down, there's nothing else in my way, still I can't do it. I can't."
In his mind, he saw the ocean. The light was close but, whenever he extended his hand, the light seemed to be further away.
"Why yourself?"
"He's… Too much, sometimes. That's what I don't understand, why is he still here, I've told him before but…"
"Do you want to reach out?"
"...I don't know."
A deep breath, he felt the cold invade his body, “There’s also something I can’t reach.”
Seeing he received no answer, Saku continued, “This ‘something’, I’ve been chasing it for years and I thought it was alright, that I had it in my hands. Then, suddenly, I didn’t.”
Saku glanced at him, whose head was down, staring at the footsteps left on the snow as he listened closely.
Then he smirked.
“Compared to me, though, I think you are much more pathetic.”
Kuro looked up, mouth agape, not expecting to hear those words. Hah, that fiery gaze, it made Saku want to laugh.
“What?”
“I mean, I at least did everything I could, it was someone else’s fault I couldn’t grab onto what I wanted. You… What you wish is right in front of you, and you still hold yourself back. For what? Just do it and stop fussing.”
“You… You are so…”
“You’re a coward, that’s what I’m saying.”
“Listen, asshole, at least I have the nerve to admit I’m the wrong one. Just what the hell are you talking about? It’s so much easier to just blame someone else for what you were unable to accomplish, isn’t it? Who’s the coward between us? You can’t blame someone else for being faster, or better, even if you two had the same goal, you can only blame yourself for not being enough.”
As if he had been deeply wronged, Kuro’s tone changed and, after his speech, his breath was heavy. His scarf fell from his shoulders when he turned around, and now it laid on the snow, forgotten. Saku stared for a second, calmly, before picking the scarf from the ground.
“Maybe.”
“...What?”
“Maybe you are right. Maybe I should be blaming myself.”
Shaking the snow off the cloth, it made Kuro flinch when Saku leaned close, carefully wrapping the scarf around his neck, tying it with a messy knot. “But blaming myself will take me nowhere, will it?”
Kuro looked up, purple meeting amber, and then looked down again, letting Saku finish wrapping up. Even with the simple knot finished, Saku didn’t release it. Instead, he looked down, at the long, dark eyelashes that trembled slightly, the puffy red under his eyes, the daze in his eyes.
When he released it, Saku smirked, “At least I didn’t end up crying in a park at 4 a.m.”
He could see Kuro’s lips curling up as he slapped his hand and put some distance between their bodies, “You’re stupid.”
“Really?”
“The stupidest” he said, getting up from the bench.
Kuro was getting ready to leave, yet Saku made no movement to follow. He watched as he fixed the messy know on the scarf and buttoned his coat, “Can we meet again?”
As an answer, Kuro stared back, waiting for further explanation.
“It’s the third year in a row we’ve met during Christmas. Can I meet you after New Year?”
Kuro's smile was almost unnoticeable, yet, carrying no trace of the lonely beauty who cried alone at night, “Maybe.”
That night, Saku slept surprisingly well.
The following year, Saku decides to take a walk so he can sober up.
He’s been drinking. Not like years ago, at Issei’s house, of course. Just a small drink and chat at a restaurant they were able to book, thanks to Takamichi. Kokoro is giggly from just a few gulps when he tells Saku to not escape from the bill, and Runa chuckles elegantly at his side, reminding Saku to take care and return soon.
It wasn’t his intention, anyways, to wander off for long. Just a quick walk around the neighbourhood, then he’d be back. Breathe cold air, hear the snow crackling beneath his shoes, hum along the Christmas song playing from someone’s window.
Leaning against the wall, the coldness felt great against his nape, and so did the freezing breeze against his hands, which he rubbed against each other, not bothering to breathe hot air against them.
It didn’t feel like Christmas, but it didn’t need to feel. He had fun, and that was all.
That’s enough to feel grateful.
Yet, somewhere deep inside, he knew something was missing. A Christmas tradition, one could say, as he spent the last years falling into the same trap sent from above. The god of destiny, where was he?
The sober up talk was just a bluff, as he came to wait at the same place they’ve met previously. He didn’t intend to wait long, of course, just a few minutes and he would go back. In fact, he didn’t really care about it, he just found it a bit funny, since this spot was so close to the restaurant they were. And, really, why not?
He closed his eyes, humming a melody he picked in the air.
“... You.”
When his vision became clear again, there was, of course, a young man with dark hair in front of him. This man’s arms were crossed and his expression was helpless, as if he couldn’t believe such coincidence.
Saku smiled, “Again?”
“Again” Kuro sighed. “Are you following me? It’s starting to creep me out.”
“You were the one who approached me this time.”
“The first and last.”
“Don’t say that, we can meet again next year.”
Kuro scoffed, “Doubt.”
“Stil,” Saku got away from the wall, fixing his lazy posture, “we ended up not meeting after that day at the park. I’m starting to believe you only materialize during Christmas.”
“... Do I look like Santa to you?”
“Not fat enough.”
“Hah.”
“But I’m serious here, it’s funny how we didn’t meet once after that.”
“... Did you try to contact me?”
“I asked around, no one had your number”, Saku shrugged.
Kuro looked away, clearly embarrassed, “It’s not like anyone would have my number.”
Saku stepped closer, “Anyways, are you free?”
“I…”
“Kuro? Did I make you wait?”
Kuro steps back with the voice, putting some distance between him and the stranger. And then he’s there, placing his arm around Kuro’s shoulder as if it's where it belongs, pulling him closer.
“Not really…”
“Sorry it took me so long. I should’ve guessed there’d be a lot of people in line…”
Lifting his head, there’s warmth inside Kuro’s eyes when he looks at him. A tiny flame, only, one who didn’t know him wouldn’t even understand the affection inside his eyes. Saku, though in this category, could see it. Well, he’s always been an observative one.
Seiya not, apparently, as he took his time to notice Saku there and greet with a flashy smile, “Oh? Saku Uruha, right? It’s been so long! Did I interrupt your conversation...?”
They’ve had that talk before.
“It’s alright,” Kuro touched the hand resting on his neck, gently taking it away. “It’s cold.”
With that said, Seiya hummed in agreement and intertwined their touching hands, hiding them in his own pocket. “Better?”
“... Your hand is cold, idiot.”
Seiya laughs, forgetting about Saku’s existence and, indeed, how nice it feels to be forgotten. Saku glances at Kuro’s embarrassed face, knowing exactly what he tried to convey, ‘Sorry, I’m not alone.’
Even with Saku seeing it on his eyes, Kuro still explained, avoiding his gaze, “This isn’t a good time.”
“Hm? Good time?” Seiya interrupts before Saku can say a thing. “Are you alone? We can do something toge-”
“I’m not,” Saku smiles politely, not waiting for Kuro to refuse first, “they’re waiting for me.”
“Oh? Is that so? Well, then, merry christmas!”
When Saku turns away, his smile gets bitter.
He leaves the party earlier, this night he sleeps uncomfortably.
[almost there]
That’s what Saku types before placing his phone back in his pocket. Or tried to, as, right at the moment, someone bumped into his arm, making it fly away from his hand. Whispering a cuss, he bent down to pick it up.
There’s a party this day. Organized by Yuzuki, just like they had a few years ago, just that, this time around, Saku could faintly smile as he confirmed his presence. They’d meet again, probably during New Year’s, but where else could he go if not with his friends?
Cold fingers touched even colder ones, and, looking up, purple met amber for what appeared to be the first time.
Kuro tucked his hair behind his ear while the other hand reached for the fallen phone. Hands touching, they stopped for just a second, probably, which appeared to be years, filling the empty space between their last meeting.
Saku’s eyes widened, then he threw his head back and laughed to the skies.
Allowing Kuro to pick it up for him, he got up from the floor, hands moving to clean the tears gathered from laughing. “You.”
Following the example, Kuro also got up, “Again.”
“It can’t be… Are you following me?”
That’s a vision Saku enjoyed, the way the corner of his lips raised slightly, a contained smile blooming, and how he looked down to avoid being noticed, “As if.”
“Must be destiny then.”
Ops, wrong one.
Kuro flinched before regaining his pose, extending his hand so he could give Saku’s phone back. Even after taking it, Saku’s gaze still lingered for a while, wondering what happened inside his mind. Kuro was clearly hesitating, something stuck in his mind and on the tip of his tongue.
Saku opened his mouth, ready to ask, but Kuro was faster this time, “Are you free? Right now.”
Well.
He closed his mind, not knowing how to answer.
“Aren’t you with…”
Seiya.
Just like last time.
Kuro chuckled, not much emotion into it, “Not anymore.”
“Oh.”
“... Stop with that expression, it’s nothing big.”
“As long as I’m not your plan B for the night.”
“As if you were even on my plans.”
“You get what I mean.”
“... It’s not like that. I’m just walking home, but it’s not like I care if you have time or not.”
Saku thought about it.
He thought about the warm smiles he would receive upon entering Issei’s house, the presents on his bag he’d chosen so carefully, the drinks he would have together with Yuzuki until they were crying and singing together.
He also thought about those last years, about this person he had never had the chance to properly know.
And Kuro, in his natural way, was enchanting. Bewitching. Like a spell, attracting your gaze and your thoughts, making everything else seem unfocused. And maybe there was really a spell, a Christmas mirage that allowed them to meet just for a day, forcing Saku to make a choice knowing there’d be no more chances.
This spell, he would gladly accept inside his heart.
“I’m free. I was walking home too.”
And that answer was unexpected. Kuro looked up, eyes widening before returning to the normal. He looked away, clearly satisfied, and fixed the scarf around his neck, “Right.”
“I’ll walk you home.”
Quickly, he sent another text.
[sorry something happened]
Numerous buzzes followed his message. Probably an angry drunk Kokoro, ordering him to arrive right away or else he’d kick him to death. Or maybe from an worried Yuzuki, who’d ask if something bad happened. Honestly, Saku felt bad for ignoring her (Kokoro too, somewhere down deep), but he couldn’t really care for now.
All he cared was the aloof way he was being glanced at. What was he thinking? He could somewhat guess, but it still made him nervous. Does he see me in the same light I see him? Do I have the same spell? Does he know he’s enchanting me?
His hands trembled slightly when he finally placed his phone back to his pocket, muting it.
“You have no plans for Christmas?” Saku broke the ice.
“I don’t really care about that…”
“Why were you out here, then?”
Did he blush or was just the cold, “That…”
“I get it, you wanted to meet me.”
“What? No? There’s a Christmas promotion I can’t lose, but there were too many people during the day, so I thought I would take a walk and then return.”
“And did you buy it?”
“... It was already closed.”
“Pfft.”
“Stop.”
“Alright, alright” he lifted both palms in the air before allowing them to fall next to his body. “Well, then, tell me why you don’t care about Christmas.”
Silence.
Saku turned around, watching that guy lean his head against a pole and smile, distantly, “You wouldn’t either, if you were in my shoes.”
“What do you…”
“It’s just that I don’t have anyone I can celebrate it with, so why would it matter?”
“There’s that guy.”
“Seiya Aido, you mean?” air escaped between his lips. “He has other people he can celebrate it, there’s no need for me there.”
“Maybe he just wanted to spend Christmas with you.”
“I know that. Now I do. Just stop talking about it, it’s futile to talk about what already ended.”
Saku hummed, agreeing, and came closer to where Kuro stood, “Still, there’s someone willing passing their Christmas with you, right now.”
“Hah, what an honour.”
“... I really wonder if it wasn’t destiny, we’ve met each other on the same day for the past years.”
“You really believe that?”
Saku leaned his head down against the same pole, their bodies almost in contact.
“You don’t?”
“... There’s no such a thing.”
“Then can I just call me lucky for having this coincidence?”
He snorted, coldly, and got away from the pole, “Call it what you want.”
It seemed like a smile on his face.
Saku followed right after, from a small distance, watching Kuro slow down so their paces matched. “Technically, we’ve known each other for five years, but I know nothing about you.”
“Is there any need to?”
“Not really, but I want to.”
Kuro was taken aback with that one, it seemed. Taking longer to answer, it lingered a bit longer than usual on his tongue as he let it out, “My name’s Kuro Yakaku.”
“I know that already.”
He watched as Kuro opened and closed his mouth before frowning.
Saku felt a bit amused, “Can it be you don’t know mine?”
“As if, Saku Uruha.”
“Honored to know you haven’t forgotten.”
“Just tell me what you want to know about me” he snapped.
“What I want…?” Saku muttered back, thinking. “Whatever you feel like.”
“... You’re stupid.”
“What’s that?”
“What I felt like saying.”
“Such mean words,” Saku chuckled, “can it be you’ve already taken a liking to me? Are you the type to bully who you like?”
“Shut up.”
“If I shut up, it’ll be really quiet on our way.”
Kuro sighed, “Then just ask me clearly what you want.”
“Alright, do you live far?”
“From where we are? A bit.”
“It must be far from Issei’s, but you didn’t take a taxi home.”
“... Money shouldn’t be wasted with something I can do myself.”
“You live alone?”
“Yes.”
“Are your neighbours--”
“Just stop,” Kuro interrupted, “it feels like you’re planning a robbery.”
Saku laughed again, “You shouldn’t have your guard up all the time. Or not. Keep it up, just not with me.”
“From everyone I’ve met recently, you are the most suspicious one.”
“You haven’t met many people recently, right?”
Kuro rolled his eyes.
“Then it’s my turn. What…”
“What…?” Saku repeated, tired of waiting for the rest of the question.
“... I’m not good with it.”
“Then it’s my turn again. What do you do?”
“... Teaching.”
“Teens?”
“Small children.”
“Children, huh. I can’t see it on you. But again, children hate me, for some reason… Dogs too will bark whenever I pass by. Animals in general…”
“They dislike suspicious looking people.”
“And yet you teach small children.”
“Shut up.”
Saku laughed but, this time, he really did as told. Quietly, they walked side to side. Neither tried to say anything else, neither did they feel uncomfortable by it. It wasn’t as the silence was between them, but embracing them, careful watching over the pair as they walked beneath the darkness.
It felt nice, finally walking together.
Suddenly, Kuro stopped. Saku took a few seconds to notice and turned around, eyes going from the shoes firm against the snow to the hesitant expression he made, probably mirroring his own.
He lifted a finger, “It’s here.”
“Oh,” Saku looked at the window he pointed, “it’s far.”
“Just a bit of a walk.”
“I didn’t feel like a long walk.”
The snow crackled as Saku walked near, the only sound being heard in this lonely neighbourhood. He just stopped when they were face to face, Saku having to look down the few centimeters they had in difference.
Their faces were close.
“This is it.”
“...Yeah.”
He lifted his hand, tucking Kuro’s hair behind an ear.
“Right.”
Kuro said nothing.
Saku brushed his fingers against his face, wondering if his lips were as cold as his skin.
Kuro, previously looking right into his eyes, looked down, shily, hand moving to touch his own arm and, with that, the moment was over. Saku took a step back, quickly hiding his hand in his own pocket.
He pretended not to see Kuro’s surprised expression when he looked up again.
“Then,” Saku spoke, hoping his voice didn’t tremble, “till next year?”
“... Yes,” Kuro, for once, didn’t try to hide his smile, “see you next year.”
Watching as Kuro walked through the door, he couldn’t really explain this feeling blooming deep inside. Anxiety, maybe, for their next meeting to be the same as this year. Anger, at himself, for hesitating at the last moment. Disappointment, knowing there may not be a next year.
With everything mixing inside, Saku took a last glance before walking away.
He slept peacefully that night.
After some discussion, they decided to have a New Year’s party as well, considering someone suddenly disappeared on Christmas and missed their gathering. That person, we all know who it was. Saku felt a bit guilty for missing it, having an unexpected date five days ago instead of going where everyone waited for him, yet, when he thought about their hands brushing whenever they walked a bit too close, he felt no regret at all.
Before leaving, this person turned and turned in front of the mirror, checking all angles as if he had someone to impress. It almost made him laugh. He leaned on the wall, checking himself from head to toes once more.
The end of another year and, yet, he was surprisingly still the same. Just as he’d been for the last few years, maybe a decade.
Even if he changed a bit, in the end, he was still himself, wasn’t him?
That night, he gave and received the gifts he missed, receiving an earful and numerous curious questions, asking where he went that night. In the end, with him being the main attention, various cups being handed at him, it easily explained the state he ended up.
I can go home on my own, he guaranteed. Yuzuki looked at him, weirdly, but allowed him to do as he wanted, watching as he turned the corner of the street, the direction she knew his own apartment was.
… And then turn again, in the very opposite direction.
She saw none of it.
His feet wandered on his own, to the same street he saw five days ago, the last time he met that guy, still fresh on his mind, playing it back again and again, like a broken record.
You can’t talk about success, though, as in the middle of the way, he tumbled on his own feet, a bit tipsy. His hands touched the wall to stabilize himself, closing his eyes as he waited for the effect to pass.
It didn’t.
Instead, he allowed his back to slide down the wall until his bottom touched the ground, where he stayed.
Since when it began to snow?
Right on the first day of the year… It made him smile, slightly.
He closed his eyes again, now bothering with the falling snow, gently covering him.
There was a scene like that, some years ago. Him, sitting in the snow. It wasn’t snowing back then, and there was someone on his side, looking down at him with a helpless expression, not knowing how to take him home.
At that time, he didn’t remember, lost in drunkenness, but, if he did, he’d remember, pulling his arms as he laughed loudly, happily, making that elegant, collected person lose his balance and fall on him. You’re pretty , he had said, before their lips touched, faintly, like two feathers meeting before he fell asleep.
That night, he couldn’t see that person’s expression with their faces that close and, even if he had seen it, he’d not remember the next morning.
That person froze for a moment but, seeing the way he fell asleep in the middle of the street, with no sense of self preservation, he laughed, doing his best to accommodate the sleeping beauty in the most comfortable position he could.
Still, of course, Saku wouldn’t know that.
Still, he remembered, opening his eyes and seeing that person there. His beauty matched one of a painting, making him look one with the scenery, with the snow around, as if he belonged in Saku’s vision.
The snow stopped falling.
He opened his eyes.
The snow never stopped, it was him who was protected from it.
Looking up, that person stared back at him, umbrella in hand.
“It’s New Year” Kuro said.
“Yes,” he repeated, “it is.”
“Thought I’d see you again just in Christmas,” Kuro seemed amused, “who’d guess you’d appear right at my door. Are you stalking me, creep?”
“Maybe.”
Kuro snorted, “Are you drunk?”
“I sobered up.”
“You have something about sleeping outside in the cold, right…”
“Just when you’re around, apparently.”
“Don’t wish to see you drunk on my door again.”
Kuro extended a hand, which Saku used to get up. Still, the touch didn’t linger, as Kuro quickly released him and passed by, intending to open the door. Oh. So I was in his way. Saku stepped back, awkwardly giving him some distance.
The door was opened and Kuro stepped inside. Yet, he did not close the door.
Instead, he turned back, glanced at the blonde standing still in the cold, and leaned against the door, lips curling up almost unnoticeable.
“So, see you next--”
He was interrupted, “Do you want to come in?”
Saku froze.
Receiving no reply, he looked away, “I mean, you can go home if you want.”
“No, no, I… I want, yes, yes.”
Kuro laughed, gently and, at that moment, Saku knew there’d no place he would rather be right now.