Work Text:
My dearest Tae,
“I know you’ve waited for me so long but how can I ask you to keep waiting if I don’t know if I'll ever be ready. You deserve someone who will give you the world and I don’t think I can do that. I'm sorry for taking the coward's way out and not facing you. I don't think I can bring myself to see the disappointment in your eyes anymore.
You always talked about the serendipitous nature of our love. If we are meant to, our paths will cross again. Maybe someday we’ll chance across one another similar to how we met. I'll look forward to when you accidentally spill a cup of coffee all over my brand new jacket once more. Maybe by then we will have forgiven each other for what once was. Maybe we will be able to hold a simple, easy conversation. Maybe we’ll even be able to hold one another for one last time. Here’s to that cup of coffee someday Tae. Please take care of yourself. I'm sorry I wasn't enough. I'm sorry I couldn't make you happy even when I tried. I hope, even if it’s with someone else, to see you happy someday.
Forever yours,
-Guk”
Taehyung takes the note left on his bedside table and crumples it up. It seems almost routine now to have his heart broken. Every time Jungkook left, it chipped away at his heart. But this time felt different. This time, perhaps, will be the end of everything. Jungkook finally broke him so deeply he won’t bother himself with trying to piece his shattered heart back together. Jungkook left and this time, Taehyung knows he won't come back.
He cries into his pillow, grasping on to the lingering smell of Jungkook's shampoo for an ounce of comfort. The only thing running through his mind is what he could’ve done to make him stay. He pours over every little argument over insignificant things. The incessant nagging in the back of his head telling him to swallow his pride and give in. The constant reminder that maybe they're not as compatible as they think but he holds on, he's adamant in demonstrating his love. Taehyung finds himself hating the regrets he holds in his heart. He hates that even after all they've been through, it seems he can only blame himself.
The signs were obvious. The way they loved was chaotic at best. The love they held full of arguments about what they wanted for dinner. The arguments about which one of them got to choose the restaurant last time. The quarrel about whether a guy was looking at Jungkook for a little too long on the subway. The fights about the lingering touches on his arm from Taehyung’s coworker at the holiday party. No matter how intense they got, how loud they both found themselves screaming at each other to just listen for once, not even a few minutes later they would always find themselves tangled up on the couch, kissing as if their lives depended on it. Their kisses drawn out, full of comfort. Kisses meant to demonstrate forgiveness and maybe even love.
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The first time he told Jungkook he loved him, Taehyung was sitting on the kitchen counter watching him make dinner. As Jungkook leaned up to grab the salt next to his face, he felt his heart swell in his chest at the way Jungkook’s eyebrows furrowed in concentration. The pout he held on his lips beckoning for a kiss without even knowing it. As Jungkook turned to look at him, drawn by the attention on him, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. He looked into his eyes with that warmth that only he knew how to offer. Those eyes had become a safe place for Taehyung. Taehyung couldn’t help himself as he leaned in to steal a quick kiss. Jungkook grabbed his face in order to deepen the kiss until Taehyung blurted out those three words that would damn their relationship, I love you. Jungkook jolted away from Taehyung as if his words burned him. Taehyung would repeat it again in case he didn’t hear, but what Taehyung didn’t know is he would be the only one who would love.
Taehyung agreed to be patient, to give it time. He told Jungkook to take his time and only say it to him when he meant it. As months passed, Taehyung fell restless and Jungkook’s silence wore him down.
It was on their way home from a date at the movie theatre that Taehyung finally broke.
For two years he watched Jungkook love. He watched him love music profoundly. He watched him love the way the stars shine in the middle of a cold night in October. He saw the way Jungkook's eyes glimmered watching protagonists finally admit their love for one another in his favorite movies. Taehyung watched Jungkook love every single person he came across, in a way that only Jungkook could. There were so many things that Jungkook loved, but it seemed he loved so much he didn’t have any love left for Taehyung.
Taehyung held on for as long as he could. He wondered in silence when he would be worthy of love. Spending night after night wondering when he would be good enough for Jungkook.
Jungkook was singing along with his favorite song on the radio, belting out the notes and smiling at the dumb look in Taehyung's eyes. Taehyung watched him with a sad smile on his face and before he could stop himself, he found himself asking, Are you ever going to love me?
Jungkook froze in his seat. Taehyung regretted the words as they came out of his mouth but it was time to face the truth. Jungkook started stuttering in an attempt to soften the inevitable blow he was going to land on Taehyung’s heart. Taehyung felt the excuse before it even left his lips. The apology, asking for more time. The pleads for Taehyung not to give up on them and give him just a little more time to try his best. Taehyung held a smile on his face as he agreed. He agreed to hold onto his broken heart just a little while longer and allow Jungkook to sort his emotions out.
Looking back at it, Taehyung knew that was the end. There was nothing he would be able to do to make Jungkook love him. He knew it wasn't supposed to be this hard. From that moment on, Taehyung began to let go of Jungkook’s hand in an attempt to remember who he was, who he had been before he lost his sense of purpose.
Jungkook sensed the fight in Tae wearing down. He felt the sadness that poured out of him every night. He felt how Tae sobbed into his pillow to silence his cries when he thought Jungkook was asleep. He wanted so badly to turn and hold Taehyung and tell him how he loves him, but he didn’t. He remained with his back turned to Taehyung when he needed his love the most.
Jungkook grew to hate himself. He hated how he couldn't take care of the only thing that mattered to him. For the good of both of them, Jungkook decided to deal the final blow. After a moment of clarity, he found himself writing a goodbye note in the middle of the night, pouring out things that were left unsaid. He looked back at Taehyung's sleeping form and he knew that this was best. Taehyung needed peace.
Taehyung awoke with an empty bed, an empty apartment, and a treacherously empty heart.
Jungkook taught Taehyung how to fall in love, but he would leave without teaching him how to heal after disappointment of an unrequited love.