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Chapter Text

James Potter was an absolute nightmare, no two ways about it. The way he ruffled his messy hair when he felt nervous or cocky or pretty much any emotion. Him looking down through his glasses at you like they had x-ray abilities and he was using them to check you out. Everything about it was deplorable, and Lily Evans had known as much early on. Adults always complimented her maturity and astute nature. That just meant they liked the fact she could sit down and shut up on command. James on the other hand was very much the opposite, but the professors let his short leash have slack because of his Quidditch skills and sharp mind. He looked far too fit on a broom for anyone to intervene. 

When that intrusive thought polluted her stewing in hatred, Lily sat up with a groan. It was swelteringly hot in the middle of summer, and she’d been laying in the center of the bed watching her ceiling fan spin, lazily refusing to move at all. Not that it was helping. Just like pretending to hate James Potter wasn’t helping to push down the feelings that had begun to blossom for him. The girl tapped her bare feet on the wood floor, sitting on the edge of her bed. She looked across the room to her sister's neatly made and empty bed. Even though they were seventeen years old, they still had to share the one room in their parent's house. It wasn’t so bad since Lily was away at Hogwarts more than she was there, but it wasn’t ideal. 

If anyone were watching, they would see Lily looking very suspicious. First, her gaze went to the bedroom door and then the window, like she was looking for an omnipotent viewer. Clearly deciding there was none, she jumped to her feet, practically running on her tiptoes to close the door that hung open in hopes of promoting better airflow through the stuffy house. Then she pushed aside her Hogwarts trunk at the foot of the bed to reach just behind it. It wasn’t a good hiding place, but Petunia wouldn’t dare touch her trunk after Lily warned her it was riddled with nasty curses that could turn her skin inside out. 

It was a lie, obviously. The secret being protected was a dusty old shoebox. It was the same one that held her uniform shoes all the way back in her first year. Brown wrinkled cardboard wasn’t exactly pretty, but unassuming. That made it perfect for the job. 

She lifted the lid slowly to see three aged envelopes. The handwriting improved on each one showing they’d been drafted at different times. These were Lily’s love letters. 

Not ones she had received, of course. No one had ever sent her a love letter, unless maybe her old summer correspondences with Severus counted. She had written these letters herself, to put all the feelings out on the page, make them tangible, and then let them go. Picking up the small stack she blushed at the most recent one facing up to her. Marlene McKinnon. Letting go didn’t always work. 

Perhaps she should have burned that particular letter; it was so shameful. The feelings that swelled in her chest and tickled her stomach for another girl didn’t make any sense at the time. Lily wasn’t a lesbian, as evidenced by her wandering thoughts of James and the two letters still sitting in the box. The one before Marlene read Remus Lupin and the very first letter Frank Longbottom. 

But she couldn’t bring herself to burn the pages dedicated to the blonde girl. So much of her heart was poured into these words that they felt almost powerful. Like some kind of magic in itself. They existed for her benefit so that someday she might read them and reflect on her growth. The letters would never, ever be sent to the address on them. In the corner of the room, Lily’s pet owl gave a sleepy hoot, like he’d read her mind. Or more likely heard the rustling of parchment. 

“No, Louis this letter isn’t for sending,” she told the black owl, crossing the room to the sole desk. He blinked his piercing yellow eyes slowly back at her. 

“I’ll feed you in a minute.” She had to hurry before her sister burst into the room, demanding to know why the door was closed and what she was doing. Lily pushed aside her sister's stacked textbooks for that school year, the spines boasting normal subjects like maths and history. She practically slammed the parchment down with how heavy her nervous hand was. With her self inking quill at the ready, she took a steadying breath. Now to mull over the thoughts she would never speak to James Potter. 

He was one of those full name types, where simply saying one name didn’t do his entity any justice. Not James, not just Potter, but James freaking Potter as he would announce when recounting the way he scored a goal to the entire Gryffindor common room. As if they hadn't all just seen it at the match hours before the party. That seemed fitting to start her letter then. 

James Freakin' Potter,

How I loathe you and that incessant cowlick above the arch of your left brow. I was quite intent on hating you for the rest of my life, and that would have been fine by me. When we were kids I was able to believe you were nothing more than a cocky bully of a boy. And you were. Until we grew up. Don't get some savior complex thinking how you saved me from Snape, but it was because of you I could see him for what he truly was. Of course, then I just thought both of you were gits until...

Until.

Until we became friends. I knew Remus wouldn't vouch for someone unworthy of his word. You're a good friend, and that is how I came to love you. Only when you stopped flirting with me was I able to see who you really were. Seems fitting that the only way I could come to love you was when you finally got over me. Maybe that's what made you finally start treating me like a person. When you carry my books just because they're slipping out of my hands instead of as a gesture vying for my affection, the way you only laugh at my jokes when they're actually good instead of pity laughs. None of it feels like you're trying to impress me anymore, because you aren't. 

I already lost my chance. We're just operating on different timing. Like ships passing in the night, we could have been something great. 

Love, 

Lily

The ink needed to dry before she could properly fold it up into an envelope. In the meantime, she went hunting through her drawers for a picture. The one thing that littered the entire room, even dangerously slipping into Petunia's territory, was magical film. Lily's camera hung from a tricolored strap on the back of their door, waiting to be used again. There was too much to sift through going all the way back to first year. At first, her obsession was driven by the want to show her parents glimpses of the world she was a part of. And to prove a point to Petunia. They would have fights about how Lily probably had no friends at all when suddenly the next day a photo of Marlene and Lily ice skating in lazy circles was stuck in their shared mirror. 

Lily had albums, frames, photos tacked to her wall, a pile at the bottom of her trunk. That was where she went to fetch the photo of James from the year prior, whipping past the camera faster than a shooting star on his broom. Just developing that picture had been a challenge in itself. Taking it with the right frame rate to capture as much of him as possible, adjusting the speed, and lastly getting it to loop perfectly for her. The effort she put into getting the perfect picture made it all the more worthy of being wrapped up, nestled between her not so loving declaration. 

She was creasing the final fold of the parchment with her fingernail when the door slammed open, handle knocking into the doorstop to affirm its place in life. Lily jumped out of her skin, frantically putting the letter and photo into the envelope she'd already addressed. 

"What are you doing?" Petunia asked, instantly suspicious of her younger sister's jerky movements. Lily swept the letter up in her hands and jumped out of the chair. 

"Nothing!" She said holding it tightly to her chest. Petunia's squinting muddied grey-blue eyes scanned her from top to bottom. The redheaded sister backed up to the top of their dresser, tucking the envelope under the crack between the wood and Louis' cage. 

"You better not have messed up any of my books." She seemed content to move on, beginning to examine the books for any signs of damage. Like Lily was just sitting there flinging dirt around the place or something. 

"I swear they're in perfect condition." Lily jutted her hands out from behind her back to wave the foolish accusations out of the air, and more so to prove that her hands held nothing suspicious. Petunia's dark eyes just squinted at her with an air of suspicion flicking between her sister and the ratty animal that she was forced to share a room with. To her that was one and the same. 

Lily sat back on the top of her bed, shoving the shoe box back under her bed with her foot. Then suddenly, dramatically, she forced a yawn causing Petunia to cast a long glance her way. 

"Well, I'm tired. I think I'm just going to take a nap," she said, trying hard for the Academy Award. Lily put her head down on the pillow, turned to the wall looking away from her sister with her heart still hammering in her chest. Bloody hell. 

Chapter Text

When Lily woke up from the nap that was supposed to be for show she looked to Louis' cage where the corner of the parchment was still sticking out and the owl was clicking his beak on the golden bars. Damn lucky Petunia hadn't seen, the older Evans sister was always nosy, with a lanky body so long it was built for leering. She got up out of bed to open the cage door Louis continued to bite at and he hopped out. Lily chose to avoid her sister in favor of better things to do, like homework. Better yet, seeing her friends outside the castle walls. They were only a few days out from September 1st, and there was still school shopping to be done. That was why she had plans with Marlene, which was exactly the thing she needed to shake off these thoughts of James Potter. 

Marlene was in a relationship with Sirius Black. The both of them would probably protest at the word relationship, or girlfriend and boyfriend, or anything that implied commitment. But Lily would call things as she saw them every time, and this was no exception. Their explosive on-again, off-again nature didn't help their case stay afloat. Marlene would probably bring him wherever she went this summer, and the problem with that was Sirius' infamous best friend. Wherever Sirius went James would be sure to follow if you waited long enough. 

There was no guarantee that she would see him, but Lily dressed up cute all the same. The white cotton dress would keep her cool in the summer heat, it was a practical decision, she convinced herself always justifying even when no one was questioning. A burnt orange sunhat sat atop her fiery colored hair and there were several rustling layered chains around her neck some reaching as far as her bellybutton. 

The song emitting from her record player made her laugh. As Nancy Sinatra proclaimed what her boots were made for, Lily put on her own pair of brown knee highs. In the past her friends had gawked at the sleek player, so unlike the bulky gramophones wizards often used. 

She looked at the clock, which informed she ought to leave now or risk being late. Lily was always on time, even though Marlene never was. To Marlene “on time” was considered at any point before the person waiting on her decided to leave. So really Lily could afford to take her time, but she made motions to leave now anyway. She knew Petunia would be coming home soon and decided to miss her altogether. 

“I’m going out, Dad!” she said, already halfway out the door when his sputtering response came. 

“Where are you off to Lily Pad? What are you doing?” The concern in his voice was apparent. Her parents didn’t fully understand the war and targeting of muggle-borns, but they knew enough to worry as parents always did. 

“I just need to go school shopping, don’t be such a worrywart.” His fear did remind her of the wand she kept faithfully glued to a holster on her leg. It was hard to look inconspicuous in muggle neighborhoods, wielding a stick like a weapon. Initially, she tried sewing wand pockets on every pocketless garment she owned but found it cumbersome after the pinpricks of crimson blood cropped up on the ends of her pale fingers. 

“I will be home before sundown,” she assured before he could tell her to do so. Lily turned back, to kiss her father on the cheek, and with a resigned sigh, he smiled giving her the silent permission she needed to leave. 

Not everyone lived within traveling distance of Diagon and would prefer to take the magical route. Lily didn’t mind public transit though. Her skin did glean with sweat from being packed like sardines in a metal can with far too many muggles, but even that was more tolerable than the sickening feeling of apparation. 

Lily guarded the chair across from her like a pit bull, hoping no one would feel privy to take Marlene’s seat in the ice cream parlor. Before her was a dripping double scoop ice cream cone, the bottom a rich brown chocolate frog flavor, and the top a creamy golden butterbeer. The flavors combined perfectly, but when her blonde friend finally kicked the door open she instantly had something to say. 

“Butterbeer is not a prime ice cream flavor, Evans.”

“Always so opinionated, McKinnon.” It was true. Marlene McKinnon had an opinion about everything, and Lily couldn’t say she wasn’t just the same. It was why they got along so well. When they agreed. 

“If you want butterbeer why don’t you just drink butterbeer?” Marlene slung her purse across the back of the chair and turned to inspect the menu. “They even have a butterbeer float, you could have gotten that.” 

“I like my choice, thank you,” Lily said. 

“Always the worst taste you’ve had.” Marlene was just teasing now, but it did cause Lily’s cheeks to tinge a shade of pink. If her feelings for James Potter were any indication, she did have the worst taste. If only Marlene knew she should have been offended by that. 

Thankfully the back of her curly mop was facing her as she pointed, leaving smudged fingerprints on the glass ice cream case, to place her order. Marlene was easily one of the most beautiful girls in their year, her blonde hair had a bouncing life of its own, and her eyes were a rich brown color. Everything about her was so unlike the typical standard, which made her effortless natural look all the more show-stopping. Her smile was easily winning all the awards. Behind the counter, Fortecuse quickly made up a sundae with three perfectly rounded scoops of Bertie Bott’s every flavor ice cream, topped with hot fudge, whipped cream, rainbow sprinkles, and of course a cherry. 

Marlene returned with a gleam in her eye and a maniacal smile down at her ice cream. 

“Now that is how you order ice cream.”

“If you wanted Bertie Bott’s every flavor beans why didn’t you just get that,” Lily said in a mocking voice. 

“Shut up and eat your cone before it melts.” Marlene’s mouth was already stuffed full with a large spoonful. Lily did attend to her cone, licking down the side just before it touched her hand. Across from her Marlene stared at the movement with whipped cream on her nose. 

“You are an animal, Marley,” Lily laughed, grabbing a napkin from the dispenser between them and handing it to her. Marlene looked confused so Lily made a wiping gesture across her face. 

“Speaking of animals...” Lily trailed off, looking around the shop as if one of the boys would suddenly jump out from behind a chair. That wasn’t entirely unlikely in all honesty. “Where’s Sirius?” She couldn’t very well ask about James, since that would be immediately suspicious and she would have no idea. Marlene’s brown eyes rolled practically into the back of her head at the mere mention of his name. 

“He’s absolutely rubbish at writing letters over holidays, you know?” Lily didn’t know, but she could see it. 

“So he’s... Working on his penmanship?” Lily inquired. 

“No, I mean-, It’s like if I’m not seeing him all the time, day in day out, he might as well forget I exist,” Marlene explained. 

“Ooooh.” Lily couldn’t understand that at all though. Marlene was a permanent fixture in her mind, but of course, they were best friends. 

“It was easier just to break things off for a while.” Better than getting cheated on. Though Sirius would argue it wasn’t technically cheating, and Marlene’s jealousy would argue that technicalities didn’t matter. The only thing that really mattered to Marlene, was how Marlene was feeling. 

"So you'll get back with him the second you see him on the train?" End it for the summer and pick up where they left off. Where they left off was usually with their hands down each other's pants. 

"I didn’t say that!” she said. 

“You didn’t have to,” Lily replied. Marlene made a sour face when she took another spoonful of her ice cream and in a choked voice explained,

“Lemon sorbet.” That was why Lily didn’t see the appeal of an ice cream that changed with each bite. You were bound to get conflicting flavors at some point. 

The two teenagers were still giggling over their shrinking servings of ice cream when the bell on the door rang to announce a new arrival. People had been in and out all day; hot weather was ideal for business in an ice cream parlor. Both of them expected to turn their heads to see yet another stranger but instead, Marlene’s eyebrows shot up. 

“Alice Fortecuse, is that you?” Marlene asked in surprise. Before them was a beautiful round-faced woman with cropped hair, several years older than the two girls at the table. 

“Oh! Little Lils and Marley,” she exclaimed joyfully looking over the two of them. “It’s actually Alice Longbottom now. Has been for about three years.” Marlene’s jaw practically fell onto the floor but Lily kept her composure. Frank and now apparently Alice Longbottom had been seventh years when Lily and Marlene came in for their first. Both were Head Boy and Girl, total power couple. Everyone heard about how they went on to be Aurors immediately after school, and apparently got married. 

“Congratulations!” Marlene said, clearly ignoring the fact they were years late to the news. “Let’s see the ring.” The blonde made grabby hands at the older witch who obliged holding out her hand. On it was a humble vintage ring with an oval-shaped diamond and a marching band. 

“Ugh, gorgeous.” Marlene sounded almost disgusted by the fact like she’d been hoping it would be ugly. 

“Yes, it’s lovely. Congrats again, Alice.” 

“Thanks, girls. The two of you have gotten so big.” Something like that could have come off as an insult from any other witch, but Alice’s words were only ever as sweet as the ice cream her family sold. The two of them let her go to head in the back, presumably to speak with her father, and turned back to one another, their faces mirroring the same shock. 

“Married?” Marlene whispered, her eyes so wide they could fall out of her head. 

“Apparently,” Lily replied with a shrug. Though he wasn’t here, she could recall Frank Longbottom’s face well. Maybe a bit too well. She had to wonder how much he’d changed in so many years though. Alice herself was now clearly a woman, which meant Auror Frank would be all man. 

“Can you believe people we know from school are getting married?” Marlene was still hung up on that concept. 

“They’re a lot older than us, Marlene.” Not that that had ever stopped her giant honking crush on the head boy. Their own whispers echoed against the ones coming from behind the order window that presumably led to a small back kitchen. Alice and Florean’s heads were bowed close together as they mumbled darkly. 

“Are you finished?” Lily pulled her eyes away from the whispering family and nodded shortly, figuring she was close enough to finished with her cone that she could pick up and leave. Marlene threw the soupy remains of her melted ice cream into the trash and called thanks to the Fortecuses who gave no response. 

"Got your supply list?" Lily asked, holding her own letter in one hand and chomping the last remains of her pointed cone in the other. 

"Why should I, when you've got yours Miss Perfect Prefect." Lily swallowed with a small cough as a jagged broken piece scratched along her esophagus. 

"Shut up," she said her lips tinged with the remains of sticky chocolate cream.

“They sure seemed to be muttering about something quite intense back there,” Lily noted, looking over the alley. It seemed uncharacteristically empty for the time of year. 

“Were they?” Marlene had been too busy with her own hushed gossip to pay any attention. As they walked down the cobblestone, they soon found the reason that Diagon was a ghost town. 

One of the shops in the middle of the alley had all of its windows shattered, glass littering the sidewalk like stars in the sky. The sign that typically boasted Clara’s Crystals had been ripped from its post. Several people were milling at the edges, trying to get a good look at the scene, and a few wizards in Auror robes pushed them back. This must have been where Alice came from, and what she was discussing with her father. On the door to the small store, the word 'MUDBLOOD' was emblazoned in bright red. Lily’s heart dropped into her feet.

Chapter Text

Marlene's hands grabbed her by the shoulders, causing Lily to jump like a spooked cat. The blonde looked her dead in the eye, and where there was normally a trace of a laugh in her expression there was none. 

"C'mon." She tugged at Lily and the two stumbled away from the crowded scene. Her boots stumbled on the pavement now, her brain lagging far behind her in the spot they'd left. 

"Who would do something like that?" Lily asked with a cotton dry mouth. It was a stupid question in the powder keg of rising tensions, but her shock couldn't articulate anything else. Her mind simply couldn't wrap around the malicious action. 

"Could be Death Eaters..." Marlene said. It was cruel to say, but the volatile nature of the group didn't match up with the tame crime. "Or could be someone our age. Idolizers. Someone like-,"

"Someone like Severus Snape." Lily didn't have to hear Marlene say his name laced in as much hate as he deserved. 

"Could be." The vandalism did seem more in line with a petty student's actions, but the motive was the same no matter who did it. To invoke fear, and run people like Clara (and Lily) out of the wizarding world. 

“People like that need to get a hobby,” Marlene continued in her tirade, her anger coming from an outside view as a pureblood. “I mean seriously, you don’t see us going around writing 'inbreeder' on their stuff.” Lily figured Marlene expected her to laugh, at least half-heartedly, but she just didn’t have it in her. Instead, her eyes could only focus and hazily unfocus on the faces of the people around them, wondering which ones might be hiding behind masks in the black night. 

“Let’s go look at books, you love books!” Marlene tried again to lift her spirits, and this time she obliged her friend. She did like books. 

When they arrived at the bookstore though, they were met with an unfortunate sight. Not the same as the repulsive vandalism, but an unfortunately attractive obstacle. Marlene spied James through the window to Flourish and Blotts first, her eyes nearly bugging out of her head as she jutted her arm out. Lily walked into it, instantly being flung back out of sight against the side of the window's decorative shutters. Coughing from the sudden punch to the gut, she shot a glare at Marlene.

"James is in there," she hissed. Suddenly Lily straightened, trying to catch a glimpse through the glass without being seen herself. She was distracted for several moments, her ears filtering out everything her friend was currently saying. Two fingers snapped in her face.
"Hey, I said, 'do you think Sirius is with him'?" Marlene asked, clearly cross at having to repeat herself.

"I dunno, usually they're everywhere together. But I don't think I see him..." Lily's emerald eyes scanned as much of the bookstore as she was able to through winding shelves and stray stacks. The only thing in sight was James Potter's perfect mug, and it was hard to look for Sirius Black when all Lily wanted to do was look at him. His coarse messy hair, and lovely jawline, the way his hooded brown eyes wrinkled with laughter behind his frames

"All I see is-," Lily's voice cut off with a horrified gasp. "James getting his bloody face sucked off by a pair of legs in a miniskirt."

"Just the legs?" Marlene leaned in, suddenly curious to catch the show. 

"You know what I meant," Lily snapped. Now they both peered into the window, looking like a pair of floating heads from the inside, one just above the other. 

"Godric Gryffindor, is that Rosie?" Marlene asked after several seconds of extended silence, watching the most disgusting train wreck of lips for more than a fair share of time. 

"Rosmerta?" Lily asked, her voice growing higher in pitch with each passing second. Suddenly she was growing hot under the collar she wasn't wearing. 

"I think I'd recognize that red mop anywhere." 

"Oh, you're one to talk about having a mop, Marls." Though it was true that Rosmerta's unruly hair rivaled the blonde in curliness. 

"Well if Sirius isn't around I see no issue with going in-," 

"No!" Lily shot out to grab Marlene's arm, as she'd already begun to head for the door.

"What has gotten into you?" Marlene asked with a laugh, looking her friend up and down like she might find a sudden physical ailment unnoticed until her rash behavior lashed out. Lily cleared her throat and dropped the arm she clenched. 

"I mean, no," she said firmly, smoothing the front of her dress. "Surely wherever he goes Sirius will follow. He'll probably be here any minute." Lily suggested the threat so offhandedly that Marlene might not even notice she was manipulating her. 

"If I didn't know better, I'd think you were back to avoiding James Potter." Or not. Lily sputtered a few times, openly scoffing at the idea and only digging her suspicious hole deeper, looking more and more like a grave each second. 

"Why would I avoid James?" Lily said. 

"He put the moves on you again?" It's half suggestion, half guess. "Well, if that's the case looks he's moved on alright." 

He hadn't put the moves on her, not since the middle of last year when he chivalrously declared he would respect her rejection and remain a friend. Lily had a feeling Remus had finally pointed out how his constant pursuit in spite of her lack of interest didn't make him any better than Severus Snape. And clearly, he'd moved on alright. He and Rosmerta had ceased their gratuitous public display of affection but now stood more casually, with his arm around her waist hanging onto the opposite hip for dear life. 

"What's he doing with her anyway? Or she him? Isn't Rosie nearly twenty-one now?" Lily said that as if twenty-one was ancient and not totally attractive to teenage boys. "What does she want with a seventeen-year-old boy?" It was Marlene's turn to scoff. 

"I can think of a few things..." She said, giving Lily a sly smile. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were jealous." There was a long pause where Lily should have been laughing at Marlene's ridiculous joke and the blonde picked up on it immediately. She whipped her head from the window to look back at Lily with wide, demanding eyes. They could speak exclusively through facial expressions when words were hardly enough. 

"It's a good thing you know better." Lily stood up straight, abandoning their spot crouching behind the potted flowers and turned to the shop door. She could go in, get her school books, and get out. She no longer wanted to spend her day ambling through the alley, floating from shop to shop with her friend. Instead she wanted to escape as soon as possible, and retreat from the overstimulation the wizarding world only ever offered. She pushed the door open with a ring of the bell to announce her arrival, Marlene tailing quickly behind. Not many people in the store paid mind, but James spotted them instantly. 

"Hey! Evs, Kinny!" He called, now causing several shoppers to turn their heads curiously with his booming voice. The girls exchanged a short look of annoyance with their nicknames before walking over. Marlene still appaeared on edge, looking around like Sirius might pop out from any shelf. 

"Hi, James. Uh... Rosmerta." Lily forced herself to smile at the pair, while Rose made a quick show of grabbing onto James' hand. 

"Jay," Marlene muttered, looking anywhere but the pair. 

"So," James said. "You guys are out school shopping? Girls day?" 

"S'pose so," Marlene answered for them and Lily was grateful. "And you? Girls day?" Her brown eyes settled on Rosemerta who as the oldest was an entire head shorter than Lily, at the shortest. 

"Suppose so," he repeated with a laugh. "You guys know Rosie, she's been waiting at The Three Broomsticks since graduation." They were familiar with her for that position and before that. Everyone went totally nutters over Rosmerta in school, and it was obvious why. The girl was absolutely gorgeous, nice face, totally fit, amazing cleavage. Younger boys and older alike would chase her, but it always seemed like no one had a chance. The way she held James' arm was clearly proving otherwise. 

"Right, hello girls!" Rose said. Marlene shot an incredulous look at Lily, begging to know how they were girls when she was dating a boy their age. 

"I needed to get my supply shopping done, summer's almost up you know?" James said like he was explaining. They did know that much, but still had a lot of questions.

"Sure," Lily said. 

"But, well, we won't have much time to hang out in school, except Hogsmeade weekends so Rosie wanted to tag along. Relive that feeling of shopping for school again." Sounded like desperate clinging on to past youth in Lily's opinion. 

"Makes perfect sense," was all she said. "Well, it's been great, I gotta go find my Arithmancy textbook. You don't take that elective right?" 

"No way," James laughed. Lily knew that, though James was able to pull excellent grades, he didn't see worth in classes that relied more on practical work as compared to classes that were all magic and hard-earned skill. 

Lily pulled Marlene into the Arithmancy section, dizzying the blonde with the numbers being thrown all around them. She didn't take the class either. The two of them were crouching again like they still needed to be covert. James knew they were there now and if he wanted to find them he would. The way he giggled with Rosemerta she doubted he could be bothered. 

"Can you believe that? They're really, like, going steady." Marlene said.

"Do you think it's official?" Officially official, not like Marlene and Sirius official. 

"Looks pretty exclusive from where I'm standing." Marlene kept peering around the end of the shelf at them like some kind of private eye. Lily was scanning the shelves for her textbook Numerology for the Divine Sighted. 

"He does certainly have a type though, doesn't he?" Marlene piped up again.

"What do you mean?" Lily asked, intentionally missing her point. 

"Oh, come off it," she said. "Short girl, red hair, fantastic breasts." Marlene gestured over Lily to prove the point of her words, causing her to adjust the strap of her dress with a blush. 

"I don't see it," Lily muttered. 

"Oh, puh-lease."

"It might not last long," Lily said, changing the subject but not entirely. Her mind couldn't stay off the sticky subject of James Potter "Once we're at school, they said it themselves, they'll hardly see each other a lot." 

"Sure, but it's hardly long-distance Hogsmeade to the castle," said Marlene. "And you know he knows how to sneak out." 

"No, I do not know that. I'm a prefect." She did know, but plausible deniability was an important guise to hide behind. 

"Anyway, you know she rents a room there, it's not like they'll have to hunt for some privacy." The thought of James sneaking through Hogwarts’ depths to get into Rosmerta's room bathed only in candlelight under the night sky. She could practically be sick. 

"Well, I guess we'll see." Lily found the book and grabbed it before heading out the opposite end of the shelves from where James would catch sight of them. 

"Seriously, are you okay? You're acting a bit cross."

"I'm fine," she said, feeling totally not fine. It was like her organs had begun a war, and her stomach must have been losing. 

"Oh come on," Marlene implored, following Lily out past several stacks of books taller than them.

"Honestly, I'm fine. James has a new girlfriend and he's totally over me. It's all I ever wanted." It used to be. James was such a nice guy come to find, and now after years of him pining, she'd lost her chance with him. It was like in a moment of hubris Lily had foolishly assumed he would always be there, waiting in the wings for her. Of course, James didn't do waiting in the wings; he was center stage, spotlight and all. He wouldn't have it any other way. In the magizoology section, they found their Care of Magical Creatures books and happily toasted them against each other, realizing they'd snagged the last two on the shelf. 

"You think they'd wise up and sell these as a bundle. By year group." Marlene was always quite business-minded, her father having extensive experience as a sales manager for their bulk potion supplies. 

"Then you wouldn't end up walking around the whole store getting sucked into buying other books you don't actually need," Lily pointed out, her arms full of more books than the list called for. 

"Only you buy more books than you have to, Lils." Marlene laughed at her own joke flinching when the other girl mimed like she was going to throw their transfiguration book at her. 

Once they had all their books tied together with string that would make them light as a stack of paper, the two headed out. Apparently, James and Rosemerta had left before them without the two realizing, but that was fine by her. She'd seen enough. 

"Come on, I made our reservation for robe hemmings," Lily said, checking her watch to realize if they left now they'd arrive exactly on time to being five minutes early. 

"Lily Joanna Evans, you're my dream woman." If making appointments was all it took to be Marlene McKinnon's dream woman, she was passing with flying colors by now. 

"Shut up," Lily said, her voice laced with a blushing laugh as their feet hit the bricks once more. 

Chapter Text

Lily felt like a proper victorian woman, blushing at the erotic sight of Marlene's ankles during their robe fitting. She needed to get her feelings, all of them, under control. She couldn't be silently pining, her heart aflutter for one friend let alone two. Let alone a girl and a guy. A guy dating a totally fit girl, and the girl on and off with a narcissist. It was too complicated. 

The pair of friends bid their goodbye, Marlene enthusiastically kissing her friend's cheek. The redhead didn't engulf in blush, but her cheeks tinged pink thinking of the mark that could be left from the girl's bright red lipstick. A Marlene staple. The blonde stood waving her arm like a maniac until Lily was out of sight on the bus once again. Her parents preferred that she take the "normal" bus as they put it. Following the typical schedule, safety of the mundanity. It wasn't like the Knight Bus, where she could possibly be singled out. But only if someone knew her well enough to know what she was, and that made it all the worse. 

When she got home, arms loaded with books, freshly mended robes, and a restock of owl food, Lily entered the door breathlessly. Both her mother and father piped up from the kitchen with glee at the early return of their youngest daughter. 

"Lily, dear, hi!" Her mum was awake now. She hadn't been when Lily left, because the woman loved to sleep in while her loving husband doted over making her breakfast. They were a perfect match. 

"Hey, Mum." She put her shoulder in for a half-hug, then leaned to her dad. He kissed the opposite cheek as she'd done when she left, bringing it full circle back home. 

"How were the shops, then?" her father asked from over the paper he read. Muggle, of course.
“They were..." She faltered, remembering the shattered remains of Clara's Crystals burned into her mind. "Fine." It was best not to tell them about it. They'd only worry for her safety again. The Evans parents were already so worried about sending her to Hogwarts in wartime, but there wasn't anywhere else to go that was safe. Nowhere would be totally safe. 

"That's nice. If you wash up, we'll have a bite of lunch." Her stomach growled at the mention of food. Though she'd had ice cream, Lily had skipped breakfast and had no real nutrients in her. 

Lily headed up to her room to change freely into something more comfortable. Simple black workout shorts she used for anything but the act of working out, and a tank top was a perfect summer lounging fit. She was just pulling her red locks into a bright green scrunchie when she realized something was off. Louis was still not back from his hunt when she'd let him out in the dusky morning air. Usually he would have returned and napped again, but he was missing. Then she noticed the letter that had been sticking out from under his cage was missing. 

She screamed. 

She knew it was an overreaction, but she couldn't contain the mortified, lung breaking, horror movie scream. Downstairs she could hear the scraping of chairs across the floor as her parents practically toppled the kitchen table to jump up. Lily ran to the owl cage shoving it aside with little regard for the way it fell up against the wall. The letter wasn't there. Just as she began to hyperventilate, her parents threw the door open. In his hand, her dad held a frying pan he'd clearly just yanked out of the sink. 

"What's wrong!?" Her mother asked, looking frantically around the room. Lily's mind panicked for something to say. Behind their parents, Petunia drifted into frame from her spot where she'd been reading on the couch.

"I saw a... Spider." She couldn’t say a thing about the letter to anyone. Louis must have noticed the envelope and taken it out for delivery. Petunia was clearly bored by this answer and drifted back out. 

"A spider? Goodness Lily, next time could you not scream like you've been murdered?" Her father wasn't scolding her exactly, but she could see the stress in his eyes. Lily knew she put her parents through a lot, and a wave of guilt washed over her. 

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry." She really was, but her regret was consumed by the obsessive thought of her letter. Her parents turned to leave and as they did a flutter of black feathers landed on the desk. 

"Louis," Lily gasped, hurrying to check the bird for any letters. He had nothing, no letter to or from James Potter. She buried her face in her hands, feeling the urge to scream again, but she resisted. Instead, she gave a low groan, sinking down to sit on the floor. Louis gave an annoyed hoot, having been expecting his usual chin scratches. If the letter wasn't here that surely meant Louis mistook it for outgoing mail. 

Just to be sure, Lily slunk onto her stomach, eyes scanning under the bed. The shoebox was still intact, exactly where she’d left it. She slid it across the dusty floor not even pulling it out entirely to peek in under the lid. The rest of her letters were still there. Still safe. She wondered if it would have been worse for these to get out than her most recent one. 

She remembered James standing close to Rosmerta, looking like a perfect pair. No, surely this was the worst option. At least to the others she could explain they were feelings of the past. Written when she was younger and more foolish. It was hard to believe there was a time when she was more foolish, but then again she’d had a crush on Remus who was quite obviously not interested in her, let alone girls in general. But she was only twelve then. 

Lily was content to melt into her spot on the floor and die. Never to see the Hogwarts Express again, not returning to Hogwarts for one last year, and not facing James Potter’s stupid face, letter in hand. Merlin, she couldn’t bare it. She had just delved into making pathetic groans of agony when the door opened again. In a panic she slid the box across the hardwood back under the bed, so hard it hit the wall her mattress was up against. 

“Are you really still whining about a spider?” Petunia spat down at her as she walked around her sister’s legs stretched across her side of the room. 

“You didn’t see the spider!” Lily defended herself against the false accusation. “It was… Big. Huge!” This problem was huge, surely she could garner some sympathy for her fake problem. 

But Petunia was not overflowing with empathy for her younger sister in any situation. She probably just thought Lily ought to take care of her problems with magic. Lily sincerely wished she could. But there was no return to sender spell, though there really ought to be for situations like this. She could just imagine him getting home right about now, maybe with Rosmerta at his side. Did she know his parents? Did they like her? The letter would likely be sitting on his windowsill, perfectly sealed with her secrets inside, only to be torn open like Pandora’s box. But instead of humanity’s evils spilling out, it would only be the darkest crevices of her heart on display. 

James’ reaction was a wild card. He’d pined over her for years, maybe he’d be thrilled. That was wishful thinking though. When he confessed that he’d agree to set his feelings aside, it was because he had already gotten over them. He’d never been cordial out of respect, but because boredom had set in. Maybe James had been eyeing Rosmerta for some time. 

This was so embarrassing. 

“Tunia.” Lily finally sat up off the floor. 

“I told you to stop calling me that,” Petunia snapped. Lily ignored her.

“How come we don’t ever talk anymore?” The redheaded sister was pouting as she settled onto her bed. Petunia just cast her dark, sardonic gaze up from the romance novel she’d been reading and stared. It was a better response than being blatantly ignored. 

“Normal sisters talk about stuff, school, and… Boys,” Lily said. She tucked her hair behind her ear, only focusing on the floor. Like she could feel the letters burning beneath her that very second. 

“You’re hardly a normal sister.” She should have anticipated that response. On some level she did, but Lily would do anything to stave off the anxiety eating away at her.

“Same to you,” Lily replied flatly. “Come on, you’ve been going with Vernon for a while now. What do you like about him exactly?” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Petunia asked, ever on the defensive.

“It’s not supposed to mean anything, it’s just a question Petunia.” Their conversations were always stilted and standoffish like this. Petunia didn’t know anything about Lily’s friends or even James unless it was picked up in passing.

“I don’t have to like anything about him,” she said as if that were a good rebuttal. “And I don’t owe you an explanation about it.”

“God, you are so bitter!” Lily huffed, smacking her hands down on the bed as she got up. “See if I try to make conversation with you again.” She stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind her with finality. 

Chapter Text

It was a good thing Lily had fallen asleep so early the night before because for the next few nights she could hardly sleep a wink. Instead, she tossed and turned (much to Petunia’s annoyance as evidenced by her huffing) plagued by thoughts of James. When she finally did catch some sleep, it was nightmares about drowning in a sea of letters covered in a thousand paper cuts. She had to wake up early to catch the express on that first day of September, and so she did, with dark bags under her eyes. Her sister stayed sleeping in the bed beside her. True to her word, Lily hadn’t spoken to her for the rest of the night in the living room with their parents, pretending to watch the BBC. She came upstairs that night to an open window, Louis apparently out on his nightly hunt, and her sister’s steady breaths filling a dark room. They didn’t exchange a single word for the rest of their time together, Lily largely out of her spitefulness. Of course, it wasn’t very spiteful when Petunia was thankful for it. 

Her trunk was not only packed, it had been so since the first week of summer. Her uniforms, scarf, robes, all nestled perfectly into their place to await the school year. Then she only needed to top it off with a few things that had been unpacked for the summer, like her muggle clothes. All her new books were crammed into every available crevice along with the old. And on the very top, she’d nestle her letters. To be dealt with immediately upon arrival, and hidden away. They never left her side, mostly because she didn’t trust Petunia not to snoop while she was away. 

Lily checked on her sister to ensure she was still deep in her sleeping state. When she’d affirmed as much she bent over to find the box closer than she’d expected. She grabbed the box, pulling it back out covered in dust from having been rolling around under the bed. Lily amended she would clean under there when she got back home for the summer. Then it struck her that she wouldn’t return home for another summer holiday. It would simply be adult life after graduation. Lily would be moving out to her own flat, getting a job, very likely all on her own. She set the box down gingerly on top of everything as if it were made of Faberge, and gave it a small pat before dropping the trunk’s lid closed. In bed, Petunia jumped awake with a start and as her eyes focused in the bleary morning proceeded to glare at her sister. 

“Well, I’m off,” Lily said breaking their stalemate.

“Good riddance.” Petunia turned back over in bed to go back to sleep, and that was the end of it. 

Lily let her trunk hit each step on the way down, and there waiting by the door her mother scolded her for scuffing her stairs. Looking at the fair-haired woman she just exchanged the look of an exasperated teenager.

“Coffee,” she groaned like a zombie. Behind them from the kitchen, her dad popped out with a plain white ceramic mug in hand. 

“It’s tea, you don’t need to be drinking the hard stuff,” her father joked. Lily took the hot offering anyway, taking a moment to blow on the billowing steam before she took a drink. It was perfectly made to her liking, even though it wasn’t what she’d ordered. 

“Now hurry along, let’s go, you can bring your cuppa in the car.” Her mother shepherded her along out into the crisp morning air. 

Sitting in the back seat of the car reminded her of being a little kid. Instead of sitting improperly in the passenger seat on the way to the shops with her mum, she was stuck back safely behind both her parents. She contemplated kicking the back of her seat for old time's sake, but Petunia wasn’t there to complete the illusion. 

They pulled up in their tiny yellow car to the lot and her mother had to step out first before Lily could come tumbling out of the back behind her. Her foot caught in the seatbelt, and forcefully tugging her carry-on bag out with her she came out with a huff. Fixing some of the mess of straight stringy hair that had fallen in her eyes she found both her parents just watching her. 

“What?” She asked, wondering why they were both looking at her as if they were about to give her away at her wedding. 

“I can’t believe this is the last time we’ll be dropping you off,” her mother said in a teary voice, already sniffing in the cold. Lily dropped the now empty, still sticky tea coated mug into the passenger seat, abandoning the final piece of their home she dragged out with her. 

“Ach, mummm.” Lily said rolling her eyes at the already crying woman. “Let’s save it until we’re on the platform at least, please?” 

Her father pulled the heavy trunk out from the boot of the car and dragged it along for her. Lily held Louis, whom she was currently not speaking to, in his cage and her bag in the other. All her mum had in hand was a fistful of tissues. She could recall the first time they’d come to the train station, the instructions unclear and her heart unsure. Petunia was with them then, saying there was no such thing as Platform 9 3/4. Telling Lily this was all one big prank. Until Sev found them and graciously explained how to run at the wall and end up on the other side. He told Petunia if she didn’t believe it, she wouldn’t be able to come and would smack her big nose into the wall. Lily shouldn’t have laughed then or could have at least hid it better, but her sister had been grating on her insecurities that whole day. The whole summer really. 

He’d shown signs of his true colors even then, but Lily had done the same for herself. She liked that Sev was her friend who knew she was as special as she felt. He was practically the one who proved it to her. 

Petunia had made her way onto the platform just fine that day, proving that despite the bitter feeling in her heart, she still did believe. And now she’d have no choice for the rest of her life but to know a fact of the world few others were let in on. Lily went on the bright red train that day waving out the window to her mother on the platform, almost as weepy as she was now. Petunia never came back the following years. 

They all walked at the illusion wall with confidence, vanishing through it in plain sight while the muggles passing by them paid no mind. Her father expressed concern for their kind often, wondering how they were all so blind to what was all around them. 

The train platform was full of billowing smoke with families big and small there to send their children off to school once again. Most assuring themselves it was the best option for safety in the changing climate. The professors at Hogwarts would surely protect them from the dangers of the outside world. 

She saw some parents with new children who looked almost blissfully unaware of it all, while her own parents looked at her with haggard eyes. Lily was sure her own carried the same look on a much younger face. They walked along to find themselves a spot on the bustling platform, to say their goodbyes and have Lily hop on the train. In all their pushing, Lily suddenly spotted an elderly Chinese couple standing close together. The Potter’s had waited a long time to have their only son, having lived their young lives to the fullest before finally settling in with their boy late in life. They seemed happier for it in the long run. Mr. Potter was a homebound old wizard who loved his garden and Healer Potter was the schedule manager in the Dai Llewellyn ward. 

Her parents spotted the Potter’s and before she could stop them they waved, moving ahead of her to meet the couple. Lily fell back, slipping easily into the confusion of other people. She could not see James or even his parents right now in front of everyone. The Potters were easily some of the kindest purebloods she’d ever met. They didn’t mind discussing things like work and the weather with her muggle parents in passing while their children linked up with their friends. The Pettigrews and the Potters were long time neighbors and family friends, and Sirius would ditch the Black family as soon as possible, if he'd ever been by their side at all. Lily and Remus would link up early on knowing they’d have prefect duties to attend to right away. It was an eventual natural replacement to her meeting with Snape on the train platform earlier in their school career. 

Lily was still taking backward steps with her eyes trained on her father shaking Fleamont’s hand when she bumped into someone. 

“Oof.” She felt a pair of hands steadying her and looked up behind her to see a crooked grin looking down on her. 

“Most people walk forwards, ‘cause that’s the direction their eyes point L.J,” Sirius said, gently shoving her away from him. Lily spun around, the look on her face far too nervous. 

“Yeah, sorry… I was… Scoping out the look of things.” 

“Looking for a good compartment already?” he teased. 

Sirius, while a far cry from a class act, was well-liked. And for good reason. It was clear to everyone around him he was just as charming, funny, athletic, and smart as his partner in crime. His long black hair and dark tired eyes set off his bad-boy persona hand in hand with a womanizing one. Lily and Dorcas had spent weeks of their lives laughing themselves to tears at the notion. Sirius Black had only ever seriously entertained three girls. But somehow he coasted himself on the reputation of being a total lady killer on his looks and casual dating alone. 

“I guess you could say that,” Lily said. 

“Right, so anyway-, Have you seen Marlene?” Always one to cut to the chase, Sirius didn’t even attempt to hide his true motivation. 

“No, sorry. But…” Lily’s eyes flicked over for a moment to see James leaning down to mutter into his much shorter father’s ear. “James is over there. I bet Marlene has already hopped on the train, you could go split up and look for her.” 

“Fantastic idea, Evs.” He clapped his hand on her shoulder again, this time in parting, and split the sea of the crowd to go talk to James. 

Clearly, he said something about her because James did look her way, only for a moment. He looked ready to call out to her, his hand already reaching up. Lily didn’t stick around to see anymore, now physically ducking down into the crowd. She had to find Marlene, fast. 

It seemed like Sirius had succeeded in dragging James onto the train, and with any luck, the McKinnons would be arriving late. Lily came up behind her mother who turned surprised. 

“Lily! There you are! James was just here, I think he was looking for you.” Lily’s mum had always given her that look whenever James came up. The ‘you know he likes you’ look that told her she should like him too. Or that her mother was suspecting she did already. 

She was never far off. Mr. and Healer Potter both greeted Lily excitedly. The two of them admired the influence the young prefect had on James as much as they adored Remus for the same. 

“Lily, hello again.” His mother said so sweetly, reaching with both her hands to grasp Lily’s 

“Hi!” She said, feeling so tightly wound that the tension in her was about to snap. “Well, I really gotta get onto the train for the prefect's meeting.” Her parents chuckled at their ever punctual daughter but stepped in to give their goodbye hugs. 

In her parents’ arms, Lily wished she could stay right there forever. Safe from whatever was around them, like she was a little girl again. She squeezed both of them as strong as she could and received it in tenfold from both pairs of arms. 

Finally they broke apart and Lily took a short breath, trying to push away the tears she felt rising. 

“Okay,” she choked out. “I’m off.” She had to pry the trunk out of her father’s hands to get it onto the train, him looking at her with the same fondness in his eyes as he had when he’d let go of the back of her first bike with the training wheels pulled off. 

It was quieter on the train compared to the steaming platform and shouting tearful families outside, but that wasn’t saying much. Already there were eleven-year-olds finding their first experience with freedom away from their parents, running up and down the train cars shouting at full volume. Lily fingered at the perfect pin in her pocket, rubbing over it like a worry stone while she assessed the situation. 

There were more pressing worries on her mind as a teenager. Lily was not without flaw in slacking on her responsibilities in favor of her own pressing issues. She walked down the center of the train, peering gently into the unshuttered windows to find an empty one.  Or better, one that had Marlene in it. 

Somehow by the time she reached the end of the train she had been lucky enough to not bump into Sirius or James again. She opened the sliding door to the prefect’s compartment knowing it likely wouldn’t be empty but it was a safe place. 

Except she forgot about the scar covered boy who would sit silently within. Remus’ hands were folded in his lap, already in his uniform, and he looked up to smile at her. If Lily had to see any of them, Remus was the best choice. 

“Lily, I was hoping to see you,” he said. The redhead let her trunk down with a thud, relieved to be rid of it until they got to the castle. 

“Hi, Remus,” she greeted, taking a seat across from him. “Good summer?”

“Suppose so.” He nodded before an uncertain look crossed his face. “Did some interesting reading.” Lily gave a small chuckle at that, classic Remus always pouring over the books his friends rejected in favor of natural talent. His hand reached slowly for his pocket pulling out a folded envelope. Her brow furrowed. For a second, Lily expected it to be his school letter ready to show her or maybe a note from the headmaster. Then, she recognized the envelope all too well. 

“Lily I’m so…” Her heart began to hammer in her chest, so loud she almost couldn’t hear what Remus was saying. In his hand was the worn old love letter Lily had written in their second year. 

“Oh, no. No, no, no,” she whispered, shaking her head. Her mouth was as dry as the parchment he was holding, and the room had begun to spin like she’d mistakenly stepped onto the Knight Bus. 

“Lily-, Are you okay? You look a bit pale.” She shook her head in a daze, catching one last eyeful of his pale scar riddled face before the world went black.

Chapter Text

Lily woke up on the floor. Remus held something that smelled like absolute piss in his hands, waving it under her nose. 

“Ugh.” She shot out her arm to shove him away, wrinkling her nose in disgust. He slipped the stopper back onto the vial he held, still kneeling over her as she lay on the ground. 

“Smelling salts, sorry. I think you fainted,” he told her. 

“Did I?” That explained why the back of her head was throbbing and she was lying looking up at the ceiling. 

“I didn’t mean to upset you, Lily,” Remus sounded apologetic as he wrung his hands, looking down on her like a concerned guardian angel up in the clouds. Lily clutched her head with one hand, leaning to sit up slowly as she tried to recall what happened in the moments leading up to this. 

Oh. 

“My letter!” She shot up, nearly knocking her head straight into Remus’. Thankfully he jumped back, saving them another fainting spell. Lily could see it was still in his hand and she reached out to snatch it from him. He looked at her like she was a feral animal who had wandered suddenly into his campsite, holding it up above their heads and out of her reach. 

“Lily, I’m so sorry. You know I think you’re great but I mean… The whole thing with James and-, I thought you knew I’m-, I’m gay .” His voice cracked, dropping down to a whisper as he explained the last part. Thankfully they remained the only two prefects in the compartment. 

“I do know that but I didn’t when I was twelve.” She didn’t even know if Remus himself knew when they were twelve, but some part of him must have. 

“Twelve?” He repeated. 

“That’s when I wrote the letter, stupid.” Lily reached for it again, and he straightened his spine to keep it out of her grip. 

“Can I please have it back?” She sighed, defeated once again by her shortness. He looked like he was trying not to laugh. 

“Well now that I know you were twelve things make a bit more sense,” he said. “I mean, it’s cute.” When she was twelve, it was cute. Now, it’s just pitiful. “I’d like to keep it.” 

“Remus, no,” she insisted. “That letter is personal, you weren’t supposed to read that. How did you even get it?” He furrowed his brow. 

“You mean, you didn’t send it?” He asked, clearly confused. “Louis brought it a few days ago…” 

“What?” She knew there was no way he’d taken the letter somehow when James’ had turned up missing. Lily had seen the letters still in the box with her own eyes. 

She spun around to look at her trunk sitting on the floor behind her. Scrambling into a frantic crawl she practically pounced on it. The box was sitting nestled exactly where she left it. Lily cast a suspicious look over her shoulder, at Remus who was still kneeling on the carpet with a confused look. She looked back to the box, hunching over her trunk in hopes of covering as much from view as possible. But it didn’t matter, the box was empty. 

Lily sunk back to laying on the floor, wishing she could faint again. She was mirroring herself only days ago when her letter to James went missing. What higher force was working against her? Was it some sort of magic? Had her letters somehow gained a consciousness of their own and sent themselves in the spirit of her old harbored feelings? 

This meant all of them were out. Her letter to a now-married Frank Longbottom, the letter to James, Remus’ letter still in his hand. And Marlene. Lily wondered if she should be thankful that she hadn’t come across the blonde yet. No, she definitely was thanking any god that would listen at that very moment. 

Her feelings for Marlene. What if she was totally freaked out about the fact that Lily might be… Something. Not normal, not straight. They both knew about Remus and understood him just fine. They could understand his attraction to men as they were experiencing it too. But maybe Marlene would feel like she’d been violated in Lily’s harbored thoughts and feelings. Lily didn’t realize she’d begun to whimper again and Remus sighed behind her. 

“Evans, what have you gotten yourself into?” He asked, finally falling into a sitting position at her side, back leaning against her still open trunk. 

“I didn’t do anything!” She wailed to the heavens. “Except… I wrote four stupid love letters that were never meant to be sent and now they’ve gotten out somehow!” 

“Well, sounds like that was your first mistake.” Remus was smirking at her side, and she was sure she could punch him. 

“Can I please have my letter back?” 

“Sure,” he said, making her heart swell with one small relief. “But I’d like to give it a dramatic reading to you first.” 

“Remussss,” she whined, burying her face in her hands. “Why?” 

“So I’ll never forget these words,” he said grinning. “It’s too hilarious. You loved me, Lily Evans.” 

“Don’t feel too special,” she grumbled. 

“I’ll skip the reading if you tell me who the other letters went to,” he offered, always one to strike a good bargain when he saw an opportunity. A lightbulb went off over Lily’s head. Maybe he could help her with the James thing. Convince Remus the letter was just as old as the one addressed to him, and have him explain to James. 

“Fine,” she said, opening her scrunched up eyes. “But you have to help me.” He shrugged his shoulders making a face that portrayed he didn’t mind. 

Lily took a deep breath, and as she repeated the names over and over again, the flash of images across her memory recalled her moments writing them. Frank’s in the library when she ought to have been studying for class finals. Remus’ staring out the window of Gryffindor tower in the heat of the approaching summer holiday. Marlene hiding under her covers and writing by wand light before morning broke. James’ only days before in her room. 

“I wrote a letter to Frank Longbottom first…”

“The Head Boy?” Remus still sounded like he was fighting his laughter at her misfortune. 

“I was a child, Remus.” Eleven and still naive, thinking fairy tales and true love’s kiss was where everything ended. Seven years of difference didn’t matter where there was love. 

“Okay, then there’s me the next year?” 

“Almost third.” He nodded slowly, once again recalling the inciting incident that had made Lily’s heart flutter. When her foot had gone through a gopher hole outside Hagrid’s hut. She knew her ankle must have broken when it tried to bend the wrong way. The young second year had been left to cry until Remus found her out for a walk of his own on the grounds. When he helped her hobble to the hospital wing, listening to her sniffle along the whole way, she thought it was a bit romantic. Like she almost wished her camera was there, to capture how perfect the moment was despite how bad things felt. Pomfrey told her she’d just sprained it, but patched her up nonetheless while Remus sat patiently at her side. She commended him for being such a gentleman, which he took pride in. The same way he looked when he could put on his prefect badge. He really was admirable. 

“And next?” He asked, hoping to wrap this up before anyone else arrived. 

“James,” Lily lied, skipping over Marlene, so she could pretend it had been written longer ago than it had. 

“What?” He practically shouted. “When!?” So much for that plan. 

“That’s-, not important!” she sputtered.

“You know he’s going with Rosmerta now?” Remus inquired, still wearing a dumbfounded look on his face. Like he was wracking his brain for the moment Lily’s behavior had shifted. 

“Yes, I know that,” Lily said. “That’s why you have to help me.” Remus seemed to understand now. Lily’s letters were never supposed to get out, and not only had they, but it had also fallen in the hands of someone who already moved on. Ruining James’ relationship with Rosmerta would make her a total home wrecker. 

Would that be so bad? What if James suddenly picked up where he’d left off with his feelings for her and abandoned Rosie? But she knew truthfully he had already moved on. Getting this letter now would just be an ego boost. Lily felt like she could cry under all the stress.

“You said four,” Remus piped up. 

“Huh?” 

“Four letters. Who’s the fourth?” Marlene’s beauty flashed through her mind, warring against how attractive James still was to her. Was it possible to harbor feelings for two people at once? 

“I… wrote a letter… to…” Lily chewed on her lip, wondering if she should come up with a name on the fly. She could say it was Sirius, mark three out of four of their group off and leave it at that. But even pretending to be attracted to him made her feel like gagging. “Marlene.”

Chapter Text

Remus’ eyebrows shot up, practically disappearing into his waving brown hairline. Lily couldn’t bring herself to meet her green eyes to his muddied hazel. 

“I was confused,” Lily added quickly. 

“I’ll bet you were,” Remus ribbed her, earning an eye roll from Lily. She finally managed to pull herself off the floor with a groan. Her muggle clothes, more simple than her visit to Diagon simple shorts and a tank top, were now surely rife with dust from the compartment floor. Did they even vacuum trains? 

“Look, I told you, would you give me back the letter?” She held her hand out expectantly where he still sat with his legs crossed on the ground. 

“Sure,” he handed it over. “I would have given it back to you no matter what, Evs.” She’d been tricked. Of course. James and his bloody friends were all the same. But, they were a bit like her friends now too. Putting the single letter back into its home, did not relieve her stress at all. She had more than when the day started, and she certainly hadn’t thought that was possible. 

Lily needed to find Marlene, as soon as possible. The train was letting off one final warning whistle to call all stragglers on. Now would be her best bet to still find Marlene probably looking around for a place to sit. Probably looking for her. Or Dorcas. She could explain the situation away with how old the letters were, and recruit her to help with the James problem. Marlene was her best friend, she’d never given her a reason to doubt her. She didn’t have to now. Even if the feelings were awkward, Marlene powered through awkward silences like a bulldozer. 

“I’ve gotta find Marlene and explain,” Lily said marching to the sliding door. “If you get the chance…” 

“I’ll try and talk to James,” Remus promised. At least she could count on him, despite the grilling she’d received. 

“And… Distract Sirius. He’s looking for Marley too.” If he found them he’d be sure to pull her away before everything could be resolved. Lily needed to get into planning mode as soon as possible, and she needed her best war strategist focused. 

“Got it,” Remus mocked like he was saluting Lily and she slipped out of the compartment. 

Marlene liked to sit as close to the caboose as she could get like a cool kid gravitated to the back seat of a bus. She insisted you’d get to the best carriage that way. Of course, Lily would be on the opposite end, up front like a nerd as always. As she began shoving her way through the train, she opted to pin her badge to the collar of her green tank. It stuck out in bright red to boast her position of power, which thankfully made a few people move out of her way and likely saved her a dung bomb to the head once or twice. 

Sure as sunshine in July, Marlene was on the second to last train car, looking into the window of yet another full cab with a frown. Lily froze watching her until she spun around, and a smile lit up her face. Like she’d been looking for her all along. That was the only thing that kept the feeling in Lily’s legs allowing her to walk forward. She wasn’t mad. 

Marlene dropped her trunk in the middle of the walkway as soon as Lily approached. Just like Remus, the letter was in her other hand. 

“Lils, I-,” 

“Please, let me explain.” She wanted to get out ahead of this every time. Marlene closed her mouth, for once, blinking at her best friend. 

“Alright,” she said. 

“I write letters...” Lily looked around them, finding a few pairs of eyes on them as they were forced to step around the pair. With a sudden huff, she grabbed Marlene’s hand and pulled her into a nearby empty compartment. She just continued to look at her expectantly but quiet. 

“They’re not supposed to be sent out… Or read. I just write what I’m feeling to get it off my chest.” The concern and pain in Lily’s face was apparent enough to garner a squeeze of sympathy for Marlene. “I wrote that love letter a long time ago, along with some others, and they got out. I promise I don’t feel that way any more.” Maybe not entirely true. A look of confusion crossed Marlene’s face, only a subtle twitch of her brow as she dropped Lily’s hand she’d still been holding. 

“You sent other letters?” 

“I didn’t send them. They just… Got out. And now I need your help because-,” Lily stopped. Out the window the girls had yet to shut, she locked eyes with a pair of brown eyes behind round frames. Her mouth hung open for a second as her eyes shot down to see the letter, in hand. Why did everyone have to brandish her letters around? 

“Oh no, oh Merlin’s pants no.” 

“Lily? What’s wrong?” Marlene turned to look over her shoulder and couldn’t even catch a glimpse of James heading for their compartment door. Because there were Lily’s hands, grabbing her cheeks with both hands and forcing her to look back at her. 

Then Lily kissed her. A bit too hard probably, for a moment her eyes squeezed shut, then frantically opened to look over her shoulder again. James was staring right at them stopped dead in his tracks. Her green eyes closed again in a panic, certainly not focused on her poor, demanding kissing technique. 

When they broke apart, James had already walked away. 

“What…” Marlene trained off with her eyes nearly falling out of her head. “Was that?” Lily pulled the hands that had been glued to her face back from her friend and began flailing them frantically in the air between them. 

“I don’t know, I’m so sorry!” Lily said in a panic. All the stress in her was clearly on the verge of snapping right before Marlene’s eyes. 

“I saw James coming, and he had his letter so I-,” 

“James?” Marlene asked incredulously. “James got a love letter?” 

“Yes, and I wrote it very, very recently Marlene,” Lily cried. She had no problem confessing this to her best girl friend. Not now, she couldn’t hold back. 

“Why didn’t you tell me you liked him?” 

“Marley, come on, now’s not the time for this.” 

“Then again you didn’t tell me about myself either…” 

There was a beat of silence between the two of them as they processed. Lily had at one point, had feelings for Marlene. Whether or not they remained was up in the air. And then she’d kissed her, in front of James Potter. And maybe anyone else who had been looking through the window. She hadn’t really considered that part of it. 

“I’m sorry I never told you all this, and I’m really sorry I just kissed you. I panicked.” 

“Yeah, you did,” Marlene laughed a bit. “So, what are we gonna do?” She looked into Marlene’s warm brown eyes, finding not a trace of malice or betrayal. Marlene would jump into action for her at the drop of a hat, no matter the circumstance, when Lily truly needed her. 

“What do you mean what are we going to do?” 

“I mean… He probably thinks we’re an item or something,” Marlene said. “What if let him keep thinking that.” 

Chapter Text

Lily and Marlene decided to settle into the compartment they’d stolen away to. Lily helped her get the trunk up above them to be handled later by the elves, then they took their seats across from each other. 

“So, you have no idea how the letters got sent?” 

“None,” Lily said assuredly. 

“It was probably your sister, mate.” 

Her jaw dropped. The entire time she’d considered freak magic and divine intervention, but not once did her mind cross to Petunia. And now they were sitting on a moving train putting more distance between them by the second. 

“Petunia.” 

“Duh,” Marlene said it like the most obvious thing in the world, clearly proving that Lily needed a fresh perspective here. 

“I can’t believe it, I’m going to kill her!” Lily hit her fist down into the plush cushioning at her side. 

“Good luck with that, it’ll have to wait until Christmas,” Marlene said. “Unless you can find a way to murder through writing?” Lily was seriously considering the idea before Marlene even said anything. It would be karmic to kill Petunia with a letter like the very ones she’d sent out. 

“She’s ruined my life!” 

“It’s not that bad,” Marlene assured her friend. They locked eyes, and like the past several times fell silent, wracked with tension. 

“So can we talk about-,” 

“I don’t want to,” Lily said before she could even ask. 

“Oh, come on. Pleaaaase?” Marlene said with a begging out. “Tell me what you liked about me, tell me when!” 

“You’ve read the letter, isn’t that enough?” Lily asked, cringing at the thought of her words being seen. 

“I didn’t read all of it,” Marlene spoke like a confession. Lily blinked a few times in surprise. 

“You… What?” 

“When I opened it… It seemed personal.” She said. “I read a bit of it, but I realized pretty quick it was probably an accident.” 

Lily couldn’t process if that was better or worse than reading the letter in it’s entirety. She really did have a way of prattling on in those things, with painfully lamented floral language. It was embarrassing, and as little as Marlene had read of it the better. 

“I was just feeling… Confused.” It was the second time she’d put it like that, but there didn’t seem to be a better word for it. The entire letter was written out of confusion for the things she felt towards Marlene. Her roommate. Another girl. Best friend. All of that was scary. 

“So… Like you thought you liked me? Or you did?” Lily pondered the meaning of that question. 

“I thought I did,” Lily took the out that was offered to her. 

“Do you… Think you’re into… You know. Girls?” Marlene asked slowly, not looking her friend in the eye. A pit burned in Lily’s stomach, when she realized she couldn’t say no to that question. There was a stirring in her stomach when a beautiful girl laughed. 

“Maybe? But… I like guys, I swear. I like James.” 

“You can like both Evans.” Marlene said it like she was trying not to laugh, a common theme through the day. 

The idea had somehow never crossed Lily’s mind. Except in all the ways it had, only subtly. 

“We don’t have to go through this thing right now.” 

“You’re right, we should tackle one thing at a time,” Marlene said, letting up on her friend. If she didn’t want to discuss it, they didn’t have to. 

“I have to go, prefects meeting and then patrols. I still have to change,” Lily said over explaining herself as she started to get to her feet. 

“A woman’s work is never done,” Marlene kicked back in her seat, putting her feet up in the spot Lily had vacated. 

“That reminds me, Sirius was looking for you,” Lily said suddenly. 

“That’s funny, I think James was looking for you too.” 

“Ha, ha,” Lily responded in a deadpan manner. 

“Look, I don’t want to see him right now…” Marlene said. “And I was serious… About Potter. If he thinks we’re together, your whole issue will be a thing of the past.” 

“And? What’s in it for you?” 

“Sirius gets jealous.” Lily just shook her head as she let the door close behind them. Whatever Marlene was thinking, it was a ridiculous idea, as she always had. 

The rest of the train ride somehow brought no further surprises. Frank Longbottom did not arrive on the train halfway through their journey and Lily managed to avoid James through the entirety. Sure she ended up with a motion sick eleven year olds barf on her shoes, but nothing a little magic  couldn’t solved. She’d seen worse horrors that day. 

Once the first years were helped into their boats, she was left to catch the last carriage. The only problem with that was the people who had waited up. It was clear what the series of events had been. Marlene waiting for her friend, James deciding to stay and see if he could catch a moment with Lily, Remus realizing what was happening and deciding to stay attempting to convince James of whatever story he’d cooked up, Sirius finally greeting Marlene and poor Peter standing cluelessly. 

“Lily!” James and Marlene said her name in unison as they both realized she was headed to the group. Remus and Peter looked up, Sirius didn’t bother. 

“Heyyy… Mates?” She mimicked the boys typical manner of speaking to one another. But it was hard to hide the confusion in her face wondering why they all had to be there now. 

“I think our carriage is getting tired of waiting for us,” Remus pointed out quickly. 

“The six of us won’t all fit in one,” James was even quicker to point out. “Lily and I can take the last one. You four go.” He reached to grab for Lily’s elbow as eight pairs of bug eyes started at them. 

“Hoo hoo, mate! Forgot about Rosie already?” Sirius asked, nudging James with his own elbow as Lily swiped her arm out of the way before he could touch her. Still, Sirius’ words made James falter for a second, freezing on the spot. 

“No, of course not!” He insisted, sputtering on the spot. 

“Me thinks thou doth protest too much,” his best friend shot back. The two locked eyes, James’ filled with volatility while Sirius just snickered to himself. 

“I’ll go in a carriage with Lils. You four stick together like you always do,” Marlene cut in. 

“I’d like to go with Peter,” Lily blurted to the group. He’d yet to say a word to her and that was exactly why. 

“Peter?” James repeated. 

“Peter?” Lupin echoed before following up with a scoff. “Lily, we’ll go. As the prefects in charge here it makes the most sense.” 

“Wouldn’t it make the most sense for you to be at the table already…?” Lily grumbled. 

“Why don’t we split three and three,” Peter finally piped up. “Remus, Lily, and myself in the last one.” 

Marlene opened her mouth to protest, but closed it with a small ‘tch’. She shot Lily her pouting lips and pleading eyes, but James and Sirius were already hopping in to the waiting carriage. 

“Marls?” Sirius held out his hand from above, but she ignored the offering climbing the step into the carriage without any steadying. The three of them took off ahead with Lily’s green gaze focused on the back of James and Marlene’s heads. 

“Alright, Lily?” Peter asked pausing in his stride to check on her. 

“Oh, yes, I’m fine. Thank you.” She only looks away once she’s sure they’re totally out of her sight, and their carriage has already arrived to wait for her to jump in. It’s nothing like a princess would sit in, being covering in muddied tracks from the boots that had stepped in it before,  but being pulled by nothing added to the magic. She took the seat next to Remus with Peter across from her, giving a forced smile as she folded her hands in her lap. The brisk night air chapped her face when they took off and Remus’ stare bore into the side of her face. 

“You didn’t want to ride with James?” He inquired. 

“No,” Lily said tightly. 

“Marlene?” He asked.

“No.” 

“So I’m the special one on your list?” Remus asked smugly. 

“I asked to go with Peter for a reason.” 

“What reason?” Peter asked, looking curiously from the tense Lily back to Remus. 

“Nothing,” she muttered, crossing her arms as she sunk down in her seat. “Nothing at all.” 

Chapter Text

The sorting went off without a hitch, as it always did. They clapped at appropriate times for new students being brought into the fold. James and Sirius jeered and hissed for some Slytherin’s sortings until they received a glare from both their house's prefects. The animosity being aimed at eleven-year-olds was what only worsened the tensions of the war. With every passing year, the excitement for the new year lessened, only bringing a heavier sense of awareness to what was brewing outside the walls of the castle. The things they were being kept away in a bubble from, until that bubble would pop that is. 

Severus had caught her eye one time across the Great Hall, and she looked away from him as quickly as it started. She had enough problems on her plate, and not nearly enough food. 

“Lily aren’t you hungry?” Remus asked her, watching over his cluster of first years at the table to ensure they didn’t start the food fights early that year. One would come, someone always seemed to resort to slinging food at some point, but keeping things calm for one night was the least a prefect should be able to do. 

“I’ve eaten.” She gestured to her plate, a few holes picked in her serving of mashed potatoes and peas. The two of them as acting prefects split the table in half to watch over everyone, ensuring that James, Sirius, and Peter with their giggling shenanigans were firmly planted on his side. 

Avoiding James was easy, Lily offered to shepherd the first years back and was gone before he’d even gotten to a second helping. The kids who’d just had a rather big day needed to pop off to bed earlier. Keeping away from Marlene wasn’t as easy. 

Lily was sitting in the very top dorm reserved just for the seventh year girls when her roommates came in with a burst of hair and giggles. Dorcas and Marlene had just come up from dinner, missing the recounted tale of how someone had already tried to put mashed potatoes into Lucius Malfoy’s pants. They both looked at their roommate, Marlene stiffening and Dorcas melting. 

“Lily!” She cried throwing her arms open to come over and hug her. Lily allowed it to happen, taking her friend in for a moment before pulling apart. She was a bundle of her own overstimulated nerves and could hardly handle being touched now. They looked around at the three beds, their faces softening. 

“I suppose we’re the last ones left then?” Marlene asked, walking to the bed with her monogrammed trunk at the end. 

“Well, Mary Macdonald dropped out after O.W.L.s and I guess Tiffany’s parents must have pulled her out after…” 

“After her dad went missing, yeah,” Dorcas cut in somberly for what Lily was too meek to speak up on. The three of them had always been like peas in a pod, but now there was no one else left. The classes only got smaller and smaller with each year. Each girl took a seat on their respective beds, letting their feet dangle off the end as they all faced the center. 

“This is really it for all of us, isn’t it?” Marlene’s usually soft chocolate gaze was intently focused on Lily, who could only state back. 

“Yeah… I guess so?” Dorcas looked back and forth between the two beds. “You two are being weird. Did I miss something?” 

“No.”

“Nothing.” Both answered too quickly and Dorcas only cast further suspicious looks between them. 

“Riiight. I’ll take the first shower then,” she said popping up off her bed quickly. Lily knew she was jumping for an opportunity to get the hottest water, not actually caring to dig deeper into what was going on between them. 

“Wait-, No! You’re gonna use up all the-,” The en suite bathroom door slammed before Marlene could finish complaining. 

The two remaining lions sat in a beat of uncomfortable silence, both digging their hands into the blankets beneath them. 

“So,” Lily started. 

“So,” echoed Marlene. 

“How’s Sirius? He found you,” Lily said. Marlene gave a short huff and nodded her head. 

“That he did, thanks for your help.” She was scowling with a familiar line wrinkled on her brow. Lily knew every expression in Marlene’s repertoire, and what it meant. 

“I-,” 

“And after I saved your skin with Potter. You snogged me in front of him to get him off your back then let me alone with Sirius after he found out.” Marlene had every right to be upset with Lily, who stewed in silence marinating in her guilt. 

“Yeah… Sorry.” Lily found the courage to meet Marlene’s eye again, fearing more than anything the disappointment in her eyes. 

“It’s fine,” Marlene said begrudgingly. “You’ve had a rough day already, I’ll cut you some slack.” Lily felt her heart skip a beat, relishing in the relief. 

“Marlene I-,” The blonde got up, crossing the gap between their beds to sit next to Lily on her bed.

“But you owe me.” Marlene had hardly let her get a word in, but that was fine. She wasn’t mad at Lily, once again. For all the things she could have been upset about, she wasn’t. 

“Fine, I’ll revise all your notes for you this year,” Lily promised her friend. The offer of perfectly polished notes was as close as the girl would come to allowing someone to cheat. Marlene’s nose wrinkled. 

“I don’t want that,” she said. Lily faltered, suddenly worried again. “I told you, the only way to solve your problem with James, is to let him think you and I have gotten together. And that could quite work for me too.” 

“How?” Lily asked, turning herself to face Marlene directly. 

“Sirius has already heard about it, and he was acting like a jealous prick,” Marlene said. 

“Okay?” 

“Well, he never acted like he cared before. Fake dating you will convince James the letter was a total fluke, and make Sirius realize I’m a hot piece he could lose at any moment.” It was crazy. But could it be crazy enough to work on the wildest group of boys Hogwarts had to offer. 

“Fake date? I’ve never even been on a real date, there’s no way!” Nobody would believe it. The sudden turn around from perfect Lily Evans would raise eyebrows at every table. 

“So what? Clearly you know how to have feelings for people,” Marlene insisted. “You’re not just going to sit and pine in your room writing letters about it forever, are you?” The words hurt, but she couldn’t deny it was true. Instead of acting on any of the bubbling feelings in her chest, she’d just looked for an outlet to dump them out into. Hiding from them was easier than confronting any of it. She didn’t have time for feelings, always for the most unattainable people. 

“If you want to prove to James you’re not thinking about him, this will work. Or maybe he realizes being with anyone else is pointless when all he can think about is you. And he’ll show up to profess his love with a boombox, total Say Anything moment.” Marlene was appealing to the romantic she knew was hiding inside the armored cavities of Lily’s heart. The one she’d seen in that letter. Lily kept shaking her head. 

“Then talk to me about it,” Marlene implored. 

“What?” Lily asked. 

“Fake date me, or tell me what I want to know.” Marlene fidgeted, tucking her feet under her as she sat on the bed. What was it with everyone and dangling ultimatums about the information in her letters? Was it her fault they’d been looped in against her will? 

“There’s nothing to tell,” Lily was only digging her grave deeper and deeper. “I wrote four letters. Frank Longbottom when he was Head Boy. Remus and yes I know he’s gay, don’t you say a word, Marlene McKinnon.” Getting ahead of her already opening mouth, with a smile cracked the blonde just nodded for her to continue. “You. Obviously. It was… Fifth year. I had never noticed a girl… Like that before. That’s what my letter was about.” Marlene’s smile had wiped away, but she didn’t look upset or disgusted still. Just continuing a hot, imploring gaze that begged for more details. Ones Lily couldn’t give. Like laying awake in bed at night, because she could hear the soft breaths of her roommate in the four poster beside her. Thinking about how easy it was to kiss those lips like sleeping beauty. Her stomach churned. 

“What about?” She asked. 

“I just said,” Lily snapped, defensively hiding the intrusive thoughts she’d been mulling over. 

“You’re not being very forthcoming for someone who's just agreed she owes me.” Were her only two options this rock and hard place, as Marlene manipulated her to find which way she would get something out of it?

“It’s just emh... It’s embarrassing.” Lily said. “Because we were swimming. Well, you wanted to swim. I wanted to stay in the shade because I burn like a-,” The summer heat, Marlene in red. “I noticed you had… Um.” Lily was gesturing vaguely in the air with her hand. 

“Tits?” Marley asked watching the waving hand closely. 

“Marlene! No, that’s not what I meant.” Well, maybe a little bit what she meant. But not a body part specifically, it was just her body in the water. Seemingly boundless amounts of energy were what kept Marlene so active. Her training was burning off hyperactivity, but it also made her look nice. 

The pit in her stomach writing the letter had been guilty. Worried about envy and coveting something she didn’t have. But the letter went on. Her lips, her lips, her lips. 

Dori opened the door. Lily supposed, wrapped in a towel this roommate had a body too. It was just as nice, curvaceous. She could be envious. But instead, her skin was burning from where Marlene’s knee touched her leg. 

“Okay,” Marlene said briskly. “My turn.” Lily would be forced to accept going last, lest she be reminded how she owed her even further. Magic could make any water hot, plumbing and pipes were a late addition after all. 

“I should unpack.” While Dorcas changed, stash the shoebox despite its lacking contents. The ones she’d gotten back were safe there. She just needed to recover the rest somehow.

Chapter Text

“You’re absolutely mad.” It was the next morning now and Marlene hadn’t dropped it. They hadn’t had long to discuss her crazy idea at all both reeling back to uncomfortable silence as the night wrapped up to its end. Pretending to date one another, just for the attention of two boys. It sounded cliche, or worse. 

They were on their way to the start of classes now, taking a seat in the back of Slughorn’s first class of the year. He was likely to begin tutting when he saw his favorite not up front and center, pulling her to the front so that everyone might see her as a shining example. Marlene would never willingly sit up front though, so Lily allowed for the moment of pretend until she was relocated. 

“I am not mad. Why won’t you just agree?” 

“Because, then we’ll have to lie to everyone, not just him,” Lily hissed, trying to ensure none of the classmates around them would hear. 

“So? That’s fine, I think I could pull it off,” Marlene whispered back. 

“I don’t want to have to lie,” Lily spoke through tight lips now, straightening as she heard the door swing open and their professor enter. 

“A bright and early hello to my N.E.W.T students!” He said, giving a quick wave of his wand to lift the chalk up to start writing. Lily was ready to mirror him when the professor's eyes landed on her. 

“Ah, Miss Evans! What are you doing all the way back there? Come, come, up front here. The rest of the students need to watch you.” He kept waving at her until Lily begrudgingly collected her things. 

“There’s a seat here, next to Mr. Potter.” Her feet froze midstep, eyes frantically flicking over to James who was now sitting up at full attention. 

“Professor I-,” 

“Now come along! You’re all my most experienced students, so we’ll be jumping straight into it.” Without a choice in the matter, Lily forced herself to keep walking, planting herself into the seat next to James. 

It was nearly impossible to take notes with James Potter focusing on nothing more than the act of staring at her. How he’d even managed to get into this potions class she couldn’t say. James was too talented for his own bloody good. Almost like he’d earned the right to be completely arrogant. Except, there was no arrogance in his brown eyes now. Only imploring, needy looks. Practically begging Lily to just spare a look back at him. Maybe it was rude of her, to jerk him around like this. He’d received a love letter from her, shortly after meeting Lily with his girlfriend. Now she was completely giving him the cold shoulder.

But they were in class, so instead, she kept her focus on copying down every word on the chalkboard. They were being set off to make invisibility potions with their partner next to them. Lily so wished she could take the potion and be done with it. Once he was finished instructing, he released them to get to work on preparing it, and Lily was left with no choice but to turn and face James. 

They locked eyes for several seconds, Lily forcing herself to resist the urge to melt. Despite everything, he was still so handsome. And that’s why she knew she couldn’t bring herself to look at him. 

“Right, I’ll get the ingredients from the cupboard. You can start setting up,” Lily stood, but before she could even make a move James reached for her wrist. His grip wasn’t firm, despite his capability to be so. She gave pause, looking back to where he was sitting on his stool, still able to look in her eyes even sitting. 

“Lily,” he said in his low voice. The top of her spine shivered, and she wasn’t sure if it was chills or enveloping warmth. 

“Yes?” 

“Can you just… Talk to me for a moment? At least acknowledge me?” He looked hurt enough that it brought Lily back down onto her stool. Everyone around them had begun working, except she swore she could feel Marlene, still looking at her even now. 

“I’m acknowledging you.” 

“Hardly. Evans, tell me what’s going on.” He looked all around at the desks behind him, to ensure no one was listening. “What was with that letter?” Even when he whispered his voice was low with a rumble of gravel to it. 

“The letter… It-, It was a mistake.” That was for sure. 

“But you wrote… Your feelings-,” 

“James,” Lily interjected. “That letter was never supposed to be sent. There was just… A mix-up.” He didn’t continue speaking, maybe stunned into silence for the first time in his life. Lily wanted to shrink down as low as she could, shoving her face in the cauldron before her never to be seen again. 

“A mix-up?”  

“Huge. Look, I’d never want to impose on… Rosie. I wrote that letter a long time ago.” That was becoming an easy excuse to fall back on. “Now I need to get the ingredients.” She couldn’t let her grades slip just because Potter wanted to have a chat about their feelings all day. Not when he had a girlfriend waiting in the next town over. 

Lily practically shoved her blushing face into the cupboard, the ingredients needed completely slipping her mind. She studied every label like she’d never seen them before, wasting time until… There were footsteps behind her, and she tensed, expecting James. Instead, there was Marlene. 

“Spider legs,” she said, reaching over Lily’s shoulder to grab them. Lily looked up at her, their eyes locking as she froze with her arm hovering above them. Then Marlene handed her the jar. 

“Thanks.” Lily took the jar, then ventured a look back at James, who was still watching. Taking a deep steadying breath, the Gryffindor looked back to her best friend. Giving her the perfect opportunity on a silver platter. 

“I’ll take you up on your offer,” she muttered under her breath. “Now… Touch the small of my back and look like you’re whispering something to me.” Marlene quickly obliged, her hand sliding along the back of Lily’s robes to find the small dimple at the bottom of her spine. Then she leaned in, her steady breath tickling her ear. Lily could smell vanilla wafting out of her blonde hair, making her eyelids droop as she focused on breathing her in.

“You’re mine now, Evans,” she whispered, pulling away and putting Lily on the receiving end of a smirk she’d never received before. Her heart skipped a beat, staring after Marlene as she turned and practically skipped away smug look pointed proudly in her teammate's direction.

Chapter Text

“So… You and Kinny?” James ventured over their brewing, bubbling cauldron. Lily tapped her foot, watching the pot stir itself counter clockwise exactly seven and a half times before the spoon she’d charmed came to a halt. 

“Me and Kinny?” She repeated, playing dumb. 

“You guys are a thing?” James asked, refusing to play into Lily’s beating the poor withering bush. “I saw you kiss on the train.” 

“Did you?” Lily’s voice was too harsh, clipping the end of each sentence like she couldn’t spare even an extra breath for James Potter. Things had slipped back to just like how they used to be without her even meaning to. Her green eyes flicked over to Severus, who had long since finished his potion. No matter how good Lily was, she’d never been able to keep up with him there. She just had to settle for besting him in every other class she could, except the ones James himself had on lock. The three of them kept everything petty, warring for grades and house points. James was the underhanded one of course. More so than Snape, who could have easily poisoned him a hundred times over. 

Sometimes she wondered why he hadn’t. James picked up the cherry pits to let them fall in the potion with three small ‘plunk’s. 

“Fine,” Lily sighed. “I guess you caught us. The jig is up.” James raised his eyebrow, practically hitting the perfect cowlick she’d lamented. She looked away quickly, for fear he’d pick up on it now that he’d read her letter. 

“Caught you? Wasn’t a very tightly kept secret, Evs.” She just forced a shrug, wanting the conversation to end already. James was too pretty to carry on conversations. He was supposed to coast by on his looks, not be smart and well spoken, and stupidly perfect. 

“What can I say? Can’t help myself…” Her stomach churned, but with a wave of her wand, the heat was quickly killed to their potion. It was finally finished. 

“You can stopper this up.” She handed the vial over, picking up her bag, and making for the door. Slughorn would allow you to leave at whatever point you had made a satisfactory product. One of the perks of making it all the way to the end, he touted. She knew it was better than satisfactory. 

With James proudly captaining the quidditch team, he ran a tight ship demanding practices to start as soon as possible in the year. This meant that during her perfectly good free time, Lily was marching her short little legs all the way across the pitch. She walked in a straight line down the center where the Gryffindor’s stood. They were in two lines, with James off to the side barking orders for them to toss the bludgers at the person across from them up like a zipper. The team was already dripping with sweat, in various stages of undress having shedded off pieces of their practice uniform. Lily ignored the shirtless figure of Sirius Black and Jeremey Thomas in his sweat stained ribbed tank top her gaze focused directly on Marlene. They each faltered in confusion sending each other looks and arched brows as she came to a stop directly in front of the witch at the end. 

James had his annoying silver whistle stuck in his mouth, lips hanging loosely around it as he watched Lily with the rest. Peter had gotten it for him for Christmas upon earning his captain position, and the team hated him for it. hated James for barking orders through it even more. Marlene looked down on Lily, the most dressed out of the entire team with her robe still hanging from her shoulders, though flapping open in the wind. 

“Hey, Evs.” She said trying to fight the smirk on her lips.

“Hi.” Lily was glowering up at her simply for the act of being taller than her. 

“Oi, excuse me, is there a problem here?” James asked wondering why Marlene hadn’t passed along the ball she was still clutching in both arms. 

“What, my girlfriend can’t come see me at practice, Cap? Just because yours can’t.” Marlene looked back cheekily at Lily, who was now beginning to shrink at the feeling of several gazes now firmly planted on her. Sirius’ jaw had actually dropped. 

“I just wanted to come tell you… To meet me.” Lily said, shifting her eyes around before ultimately settling back on Marlene. “After practice.”

“Sounds good, babe.” Marlene tossed the ball with little regard for Adam Jensen standing across from her, who grunted at the force behind the blow. 

Then suddenly, the glistening girl with her strapping muscles knelt down to wrap her arms around Lily’s waist. She lifted her with ease so that both feet dangled limply in the air above Marlene’s ankles as she planted a big kiss on her. It was a big dramatic show and Marlene’s lips were wet on hers. She couldn’t contain the deep intake of breath, feeling her mouth locked onto her friends. No longer in a train car but standing out in the open with James and the entire Gryffindor team watching. There was more movement to this kiss compared to the stiff awkward force of Lily’s lips in the first. Marlene sucked slowly at the cherry lips like they had all the time in the world. Adam gave a low whistle, and she had to assume given the loud grunt Sirius standing at his side had reached over to elbow him in the ribs. Lily couldn’t tell if the pit of her stomach was dropping from nerves or heat. They pulled apart with a wet sound, a wicked grin playing across Marley’s face. Lily’s own could only rival the color of her hair.

Marlene deposited Lily righted back onto the earth with her head still left spinning in the clouds. Her hands darted to fix the hiked up hem of her shirt that had begun to slide up the small of her back, and gave a short nod. 

“Great,” she said weakly, turning to march back the way she came. “Uh… Carry on. Team.” Lily pumped a small victorious fist that said ‘Go Team’ as she avoided eye contact.

Lily sat on the uncomfortable stone bench in the empty courtyard. Everyone had chosen to head in as the autumn chill set in deeper and deeper to their bones with each passing day. That made it the perfect spot waiting for Marlene and the team to pass her by so that she could get around to discussing important matters. She already had the parchment neatly creased in front of her. Not for another love letter, she wouldn’t be doing that ever again. Instead she was prepared to begin drawing up the contract. 

Lily shifted awkwardly as she wondered who’s bright idea it had been to make seats out of bloody stone, but the thought left her as quickly as it had come when she saw Marlene heading her way. Her messy sweaty mop of hair scraped off her face up in a ponytail shouldn’t have been as attractive as it was, the way they all ridiculed Sirius for his. But she looked like a sporty goddess and he looked more like a wet dog in Lily’s opinion. 

“You called for me?” Marlene swung her leg over the other side of the bench across from Lily. She propped her elbows up on the table, giving Lily an eyeful of her toned arms, perfectly sculpted from swinging a bat at idiot Slytherin’s heads for the past four years. She always aimed for the head when it came to the snake’s team. Somehow she kept things tame with gut punches and shattered elbows for the other houses. 

“I did, I just thought… We need to discuss the rules.” Tearing her eyes away from Marley’s golden skin Lily straightened her spine, folding her hands neatly in front of her to look like a business executive sitting behind his large desk. Marlene gave a short giggle ending in a snort at her stiff demeanor. 

“Of course we do, what else would Lily Evans want to talk about?” Lily’s shoulders slumped from their broad posture as she cast a glower to her friend. 

“I am not a goody two-shoes.” 

“The badge pinned to your chest would suggest otherwise.” Marlene pointed at the lapel of her robes. 

“Buzz off, there needs to be some ground rules if this is going to work.” Lily took her self inking quill out and Marlene just kept grinning across the way at her. 

“Okay, okay. What are your rules?” She asked. 

“No more kissing,” Lily said bluntly. Marlene’s brow furrowed as the smile dropped completely from her lips. 

“Evans, you’re the one who started off with the kissing,” she said. 

“I know, and I’m putting an end to it.” Lily began to write the rule off to the side of a small 1. and Marley craned her neck to watch her write upside down. Her handwriting was the same beautiful looping scrawl that had been on her letter, which was to be expected. 

“No one is going to believe we’re dating if I can’t kiss you in public,” Marlene protested. In public. Not just in public, kissing Marlene at any point would be too much. Lily would get lost in it all, catch feelings even harder. It was playing a dangerous game. 

“I’ve never been in a real relationship, Marlene. I don’t want all my firsts to be wasted just for show,” Lily said. Marlene pondered her words before nodding. 

“Fine. Whatever you want. But seriously no one is going to believe this if I can’t touch you.” She might have had a point. People would find it suspicious two teenagers weren’t clamoring to be all over one another. The excuse that Lily was a prefect or a prude would only go so far, especially since everyone would assume Marlene wouldn’t stick around for it. 

“You’re right. We can just touch in small ways.” Lily rested her hand over Marlene’s as an example. The quidditch player looked at their hands on the tabletop, resting so casually and after a moment of staring, simply rolled her eyes. 

“Okay, sure. What else?” Marlene asked after watching Lily start the next line. 

“No one can know this is fake. We can’t tell anyone, not even Dori.” Keeping the secret from their roommate might prove harder than tricking any of the boys. 

“Obviously. I mean, Dorcas prefers to mind her own business anyway. Wouldn’t want to think about us shagging right next to her bed.” Marlene let out a snort. Lily couldn’t help blushing at the intrusive thought of her and Marlene in their dorm, legs tangled together in her bed as they kissed slowly. Even slower than before on the pitch, when curtains being drawn meant they really could have all the time. They were both considering the thought in the silence and it was just when Lily caught Marlene chewing the edge of her lip that she cleared her throat. 

“Anything to add?” 

“You have to come to all my quidditch games,” she said. “And the after parties.” She tacked the last part on as an afterthought, knowing Lily hated those parties. As a prefect she felt obligated to play house mum, while simultaneously hovering on the edges of all the fun and rolling her eyes. 

“What?” Lily whined. 

“You heard me. Girlfriends go to games, and lovingly support their partners while they play.” That was true. Lily had seen enough girlfriends and wannabe girlfriends show up to games they couldn’t care less about with their cheeks painted red and gold. “Plus Sirius and James will be there. They’ll be expecting it, and it’ll drive them mad with jealousy.” Lily doubted the last part, but she obediently wrote it on the contract. 

“Fine, but you have to study for N.E.W.T.s with me.” Lily wrote that down as well with a superior look of taking back the upper hand. 

“I will come to the library with you,” Marlene agreed, choosing her words carefully. 

“You will not just watch me study Marlene McKinnon.” 

“Okay, okay.” Marlene, though too powerful for her own good, was rubbish at school. Mainly because she proved that she lacked the control most third years had a grip on. But she was clever in other ways as she got a grin on her face. The girl snatched the parchment away from Lily, spinning it to face her now. The redhead fell slack jawed at the drips of ink she’d nudged her into making, messing up the page, but she didn’t give a damn. Marlene just plucked the quill from Lily’s hands and began writing in big block letters. WINTER VACATION. 

“You’re coming with me,” she said deciding that she had officially won the last laugh. “The seventh year snow trip.” Lily’s face shifted to one of revulsion. She had been planning to stay at the castle to study, and if not that at the very least returning home to her parents. Not going on the cabin trip the graduating planned each year. It was an excuse to head into the wilderness, most of them free to do magic, and drink far too much hot cocoa spiked with rum. It was a total free for all, that consisted mainly of couples snogging and hooking up in whatever corner or zipped together sleeping bag they could find. 

“That’s not for months, you can’t possibly think we’ll still be doing this then?”  Lily asked. 

“We very well could be. We’re not done until we’re done right? No one would believe you let me go off on that trip alone. With Sirius.” Marlene arched her thick eyebrow, which she had always been too lazy to sculpt. But she somehow made it look amazing. 

“You wouldn’t be alone if you’re with Sirius now would you?” 

“Not what a girlfriend would say,” Marlene pointed out. Lily took a breath as she weighed her options. Chances were she would have found a way to end this by that point, but if not her name was in writing. But there was no way she would be doing this still by then. And so, she agreed. Marlene signed her name in a messy signature and then passed the no longer pristine looking contract back to her. Then Lily signed her own name perfectly next to hers, reflecting on the clashing nature. 

“It would appear we have a deal.” Marlene said ready to get up from the bench. Before she could, Lily held out her hand to be shaken. The blonde smirked from her half standing position and staring at Lily’s hand. Instead of just taking the offer and shaking like a normal person, Marlene stared down at her own palm before spitting into it. Lily didn’t have a chance to react and reel back before Marlene clapped her hand into a firm shake. 

“Ugh, Marlene!” Lily yanked her hand out of the shake, wiping it on her pants with disgust. 

“I need to go shower, see ya love!” A pair of passing second years gave strange looks to the prefect and the girl shouting over her shoulder back at her as she walked away.