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It was another frigid day in South Park, but Kenny and Kyle were full of warmth. They had spent the entire weekend running a toy drive at the local community center. Today they were up at the ass crack of dawn and knew that they would be working all day and deep into the night to get the toys organized, wrapped, and ready to deliver to families across the city in time for the holidays.
Kyle stretched his arms over his head and yawned. “I’m so proud of all the donations we got, but I am not looking forward to processing them all.”
“Babe, I suggested that we ask your family to help out,” said Kenny. “You know I would’ve asked Karen, but she wasn’t able to get the time off from work.”
Kyle stopped outside the community center entrance, his hand on the door. “Do you really think I’d want to be cooped up in here with my parents and Ike, bossing them around for twelve hours?”
“But you love bossing people around!” Kenny grinned.
Kyle rolled his eyes. “I do not!”
Kenny gave him a knowing look.
“I don’t!” Kyle insisted. “I just like being the one in charge, that’s all.”
“Like...a boss? Who bosses people?” Kenny laughed.
“Okay, okay then. You’re right. Let me give them a call. I know my mom and dad aren’t working today, and I think Ike got in from Toronto yesterday, so they can be down here in ten minutes.”
Kyle pulled out his phone and hovered his finger over the call button.
“Your move, babe. Do you really want to listen to the inevitable fighting that will occur when my mom tells me I’m not doing a good enough job wrapping and my dad starts reorganizing everything into what he considers a more effective way?”
Kenny’s eyes widened at the mere thought. He loved Kyle with all his heart, and he loved his family, too...but they could also be quite the handful and he really didn’t want that headache this morning.
“Ahh...you know, I don’t want to inconvenience your folks. They’re old and might throw their backs out, you know? I can’t have that on my conscience.”
Kyle raised an eyebrow at Kenny with a smug half-smirk. “That’s what I thought,” he laughed. “Okay then, let’s do this.”
He unlocked the door and they both entered the building. They walked into the main hall where all of the toys were being kept and flipped on the lights.
Kenny’s stomach dropped. “Oh my god.”
“Those bastards…” said Kyle.
The room was empty.
Kyle was immediately on his phone calling everyone he knew in case they had any information about this massive theft. There were nearly one thousand toys in here just the night before—no one could have taken them all without someone seeing it happen.
Kenny walked into the middle of the room and looked around. The main hall was in the center of the building and had no windows. There were two bathrooms attached in the back, but there was no way that all of those toys could fit in there. He double checked just to be certain.
Kenny then inspected the hall floor, searching for any sort of sign—a footprint, a strand of hair, a piece of trash that could have fingerprints on it. He didn’t have to go far before he found a card lying on the ground near the back wall.
“Babe, come look at this,” he said.
Kyle quickly said goodbye to the person on the other end of the phone and ended the call. He rushed over to Kenny’s side.
“What is it?” he asked.
“It looks like...a business card?” said Kenny.
Kenny flipped the card over and on the back in shiny black writing was one word:
KRAMPUS
“Who…?” said Kyle, drifting off in thought. “I’ve never heard of a villain named Krampus.”
“Neither have I. Looks like this is a new one, and they’re using the holidays as the backdrop for their big debut.”
Kenny slipped the card into his pocket and looked at Kyle. “Let’s get back home and figure out a plan. If there are going to be children who don’t get presents this year, it’s going to have to be over my dead body, and that’s never going to happen.”
Kenny paced back and forth behind Kyle’s computer chair. While he was waiting for Kyle to work his magic on the computer, he mentally began to form a plan to transport the toys back to the community center, assuming that they weren’t already destroyed.
Kyle tapped his fingers against his wooden desk. He was at an impasse. He had already searched through every villain database in the county, state, region, and country, and came up with nothing. He searched for local news articles or regional headlines that might allude to the presence of this Krampus in other areas. Perhaps the Krampus was a serial burglar who had done something like this before. He came back with zero results.
Kyle shook his head. He was overthinking this. He cracked his knuckles and simply typed in Krampus to the search engine. The first handful of hits were articles about the origin of the Krampus legend from the Alps. However, as he scrolled down the page, he noticed that one link was not associated with the legendary cryptid. One was connected to a Facebook page. Kyle dared to open it.
The link led directly to a video on Facebook. It had been uploaded by someone only known as Krampus.
“Kenny, I need you to take a look at this.”
Kenny walked over behind Kyle and leaned over. “This Krampus actually has a Facebook page? And they post regularly? Who would’ve fucking guessed?”
He wrapped his arms around Kyle’s shoulders and squeezed them in a tight hug. “My husband is so smart!”
Kyle smiled and turned his head to steal a kiss from Kenny. “I love you, too, but we don’t know for certain if this is our perpetrator yet.”
“Well then what are we waiting for? Let’s watch the video!”
Kenny kept his arms around Kyle while Kyle clicked the play button.
The video began. It was clearly made by an amateur, with poor lighting and an unsteady camera. The music that played over the video was also obviously open source. The heavy breathing of an unseen being was heard up close. As the main hall of the community center came into focus, a digitally altered voice began to speak.
“This world is filled with two kinds of children: those who are well-behaved, and those who are not. Only those children who are well-behaved deserve to be rewarded with toys. The bad ones deserve to be punished. One such child is a blight on this city, and I, Krampus, shall righteously punish him for his misdeeds!
Take this loss of your precious toys as your first lashing, Human Kite. Come receive your final lashing from my birch rod tonight, if you are indeed as good as you say. Find me when the moon meets the mountains, where the mountains meet the sea. There, I will be waiting for you.
See you soon, Human Kite.”
Kenny and Kyle stared at the black screen, speechless. Kenny stood up and crossed his arms, frowning.
“They...they’re looking for me?” asked Kyle. “For Human Kite?”
“I’m shocked, to be honest,” said Kenny. “I assumed they would have called Mysterion out, not Human Kite. Not that it matters much. When one of us is targeted, both of us are targeted. I meant that vow at our wedding and I still mean it today.”
“I have to track down this guy,” said Kyle. “Tonight.”
“No. No, it’s too dangerous, Kyle. You haven’t gone out as the Human Kite in two years. You’re out of practice and I don’t want you getting hurt.”
“So come with me.” Kyle stood up and faced Kenny. He placed his hands on Kenny’s shoulders and gently rubbed them. “I know I’m rusty and could use the help. Besides, I’m never scared when I have you by my side.”
Kenny sighed and smiled. “You’re a shrewd one, Mr. Broflovski. You know I can’t resist you when you’re looking at me like that.”
“Hmm? Looking at you like what, Mr. McCormick?” Kyle smirked.
“Looking at me with your green eyes, all big and beautiful and full of love. When you look at me like that, I’ll do anything for you—and I know you know that,” Kenny chuckled.
Kyle leaned in and kissed him. “Thanks. I’ll start stretching and warming up if you go pull my costume out from the storage in the closet.”
The air was cold and dry as the Human Kite soared through the sky. He stayed up high in order to get a wide view of the city below, but made sure to not go so far away that he couldn’t keep track of his beloved Mysterion’s location on the ground. He surveyed the city below. This close to midnight and only days until Christmas, the streets were quiet. Too quiet, perhaps? Human Kite was starting to doubt his own superhero instincts.
He touched his hand to his ear, pressing the talk button on his communicator. “Human Kite to Mysterion. Over.”
“Mysterion to Human Kite. What’s happenin', hot stuff?”
Human Kite rolled his eyes, but smiled in spite of himself. Kenny’s ridiculously cheesy lines were part of his charm, and he had a very charming husband.
“So we agree that the first part of the riddle, ‘ find me when the moon meets the mountains’ , represents the time of night, correct?”
“Yes,” replied Mysterion. “The moon will dip down in the sky and look like it’s touching the top of the mountains just after two in the morning. We’ll have until then to solve the second half.”
“‘Where the mountains meet the sea’. This doesn’t make any sense. There aren’t any major bodies of water in Colorado.”
Human Kite waited for a reply, but didn’t get one.
“Mysterion?” he asked. “Is everything alright?”
He looked down at the city beneath him and couldn’t see Mysterion anywhere. He sighed, knowing exactly what his partner was doing. He waited a few more minutes, practicing his eye beams up into the sky in the meantime. Finally, he heard his communicator beep.
“Sorry about that, babe,” said Mysterion.
“I’ve been with you long enough to know that Mysterion can’t help fighting crime while he’s out. Was it Chaos’s minions?”
“Nah, nothing that sinister. Just a couple of punks who think they’re gonna get laid if they can break into a jewelry store and bring pearls or whatever back to some girls they like.”
“You didn’t murder them, did you?”
Mysterion simply laughed.
“ Mysterion !”
“No, I didn’t murder them, Kite. All I did was rough them up a bit, tie them together with some rope, and call the girls they like on their own phone so the girls could hear how lame they are.”
“Oh my god, I am so glad that we don’t have kids,” said Human Kite.
Mysterion laughed again. “If we had kids, I wouldn’t use Mysterion as a tool for discipline. I’d use your mother for that.”
“Oh shit, that’s cold. My Kryptonite! Are you sure you’re not secretly a villain? Have you been the Krampus this whole time?” Human Kite giggled.
Kenny and Kyle felt better than they had in months. It felt really good to be out again as a superpair—as the Human Kite and Mysterion.
They continued patrolling around the city, looking for anything that seemed like it could be remotely related to the final clue. They inspected a small pond in the public park, dubbed Rocky Mountain Pond by locals, but no toys were found. They followed Atlantic Boulevard halfway across the city, but there was nothing nearby that had anything to do with mountains. The moon was getting close to meeting the mountains and they weren’t any closer to solving the riddle.
“This is hopeless!” Human Kite sighed into his communicator. “We’ve been out here for hours and we don’t have much time left.”
“This is stupid, is what it is. I freaking hate riddles—especially vague ones. There’s no sea in Colorado.”
Kite was quiet for a moment. “Can you say that again?”
“I said, there’s no sea in Colorado.”
“Actually, there is. Mysterion, we’ve been going about this all wrong!” he said.
“Wait...you don’t mean? By the mountains meet the sea, he meant the letter C?”
“ Yes! And I know exactly where he’s hiding! Head northeast from here, about three miles. We still have time!”
Mysterion and the Human Kite found themselves at the Krampus lair—the abandoned factory for Colorado Mountain Coffee. The brand’s logo had a drawing of mountains with a giant C in it for Colorado—where the mountain meets the C.
“This is it, Kite. Are you ready to face this dude?” asked Mysterion.
The Human Kite took a deep breath. “I’m definitely nervous, but I meant what I said back at home.” He turned to Mysterion and reached for his hand. “I’m never afraid when I have you by my side. Whether it’s watching a scary movie, opening up a Chanukah card from Cartman, or confronting a wannabe Twitch villain who called me out by name—if you’re with me, I can do anything.”
“Dammit, babe, now isn’t the right time to get all sentimental and make me cry.” Mysterion rubbed his mask with the back of his hand. “I have to be able to see clearly!”
Even in the dark, Human Kite could tell that Mysterion was smiling. He leaned in and gave him a quick kiss. “I love you, too,” he smiled back. “Okay then. Here we go.”
He took Mysterion’s hand in his own and together, they pulled open the old rusted door. Their footsteps echoed against the concrete walls. The factory was completely dark, save for the light of the moon pouring into the outside windows. The deeper in they went, the darker it became.
“Just like going into the Krampus cave,” said Mysterion. He squeezed Human Kite’s hand.
But then they saw a faint glowing light coming from down the hall. As they got closer, they realized the door was partly open and that it led to the factory’s main processing floor. They pushed inside to find the room filled with candles—and the stolen toys.
“They’re all here!” said Human Kite.
He braced himself to run toward the toys, but before he could move, Mysterion held up his arm in front of him.
“We don’t know if there are any traps in this room,” he said. “We don’t know this villain and we don’t know what he is capable of.”
The creak of the door behind them gave them just enough warning to spin around and see it slam shut behind them.
“Shit! Look around for another escape route!” whispered Mysterion.
Something scraped against the floor behind them. They turned around—slowly, carefully—and saw the silhouette of the Krampus coming closer, dragging a large birch rod behind him. His intimidating horns loomed over their heads. His fur was dirty and the putrid smell filled the entire room. His cloven hooves clopped slowly against the floor as he gradually came into view.
“You made it,” he said in his altered voice. “I was beginning to think you weren’t as smart as you think you are after all, Human Kite.”
“Who are you? How do you know me?” asked Kite.
“I am the Krampus, and I see you when you are sleeping, and I know when you are awake.”
“Stop pretending to be an evil Santa Claus, dude. Krampus is just one of St. Nicholas’s henchmen,” said Mysterion. “Punish the bad kids while Nicky gets to get all the glory. He’s a certified hitman, and you are nothing like him. Trust me, I’ve met him in Hell before.”
“What? ” asked Krampus, breaking character for a brief moment. “No matter! I care not for what the likes of you have to say! This is between me and Human Kite!”
“Hey, if anyone has a problem with him, they have a problem with me, too, you fucking goat.” Mysterion squared up, ready to fight.
“Hold on, Mysterion.” Human Kite turned back to the Krampus. “I don’t know why you have an issue with me, but why would you do this ? What does stealing these donated toys have to do with punishing me? You’re not punishing me, you’re punishing hundreds of children who haven’t done anything wrong!”
“You don’t know that, Kite! They could have misbehaved! You don’t have any powers of omnipresent sight! You don’t know everything, Kyle!”
“What.” Human Kite stood still, stunned. “How do you know my name?”
Mysterion cracked his knuckles. “Okay, I’ve had enough of this shit. You utter my husband’s civilian name, you get your ass kicked.”
Mysterion ran straight at Krampus, then flanked to the left at the last minute. He threw a right hook at the horned beast.
Krampus easily dodged the punch. He stepped to the side and swung his birch rod at Mysterion. It caught him on the back.
Mysterion cried out in pain. He arched his back away from the rod as Krampus readied another hit. This time, however, Mysterion was expecting it. He turned and reached for the rod as it cut through the air. He caught it in his hands, wincing at the stinging impact.
“Curses!” cried Krampus.
Mysterion pulled on the rod. Krampus lurched forward, losing his balance and falling to the floor. Mysterion ripped the birch rod from the beast’s hands.
“Kite!” he called out.
Human Kite nodded and watched as Mysterion threw the birch rod high up into the air. He followed its trajectory with his eyes and shot a laser at the rod, incinerating it.
Meanwhile, Krampus was back on his feet. He ran toward Mysterion, tackling him to the ground while he was watching Human Kite.
“Mysterion!” cried Human Kite.
He flew up in the air to get a clean shot at Krampus. As he released his laser, a wall of flames burst forth around Krampus and Mysterion, deflecting the beam.
“Fire?!” Human Kite was in disbelief.
He watched as the Krampus emerged from the flames, his hand held out. He produced a fireball and threw it toward Human Kite. Kite couldn’t dodge in time, getting hit directly in the chest and sending him flying back into a wall.
Human Kite groaned in pain. He slowly sat up and realized that he was cornered. Krampus was mere feet in front of him, another fireball at the ready. Mysterion was still stuck behind the firewall. Kite grit his teeth.
“Who are you, dude? And why are you doing this? I don’t understand how you know my real name?” he asked.
“You took everything away from me, Kyle Broflovski. You were my best friend! My best friend in the whole world! My only friend. And in a moment, you stole it all away from me!
“Oh my god...Kip? Kip Drordy? From elementary school?”
“Kip?” Mysterion spoke behind the firewall. “Didn’t you get like a million friends on Facebook?”
“It was eight hundred and forty-five thousand friends—” Kip pulled off the horned mask he had been wearing, revealing his true self. “—but all the friends in the world don't compare to the bond between best friends! As your best friend , I know how meaningful this toy drive is to you. I know you’ve loved Kenny since you were in the fourth grade together, and you want to honor him by helping out other poor kids like him! You said ending our friendship was the hardest thing you ever had to do, but you never really believed that, did you? I know the hardest thing you ever did was get up the courage to tell Kenny you loved him!”
“Aww, babe! Is that true?” Human Kite couldn’t see Mysterion’s face, but he knew it was beaming right now.
“How the hell would you even know that?” asked Kite.
“ YOU WERE MY BEST FRIEND! I KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU! I told you—I see you when you’re sleeping, and I know when you’re awake! You took everything from me, Kyle, and now I’m going to take everything away from you!”
Krampus held his hand in the air, then lowered it to aim toward Mysterion. Kite knew he had to do something, and do it fast.
“Kip!”
Krampus paused, glancing back at Human Kite.
“You know what? I learned something today. We should never take friendships for granted. Even if they don’t seem important to us in the moment, friendships are like gifts. Gifts in the form of another human being. Toys are great, but the kind of close connection you can have with a friend is better than the gift of a toy. Toys cost money and not everyone can afford them. A friendship costs nothing but your time to listen and care. A toy might only last a few years, but a friendship can last a lifetime! So it turns out that the true Christmas gifts weren’t the toys that were donated, but the Facebook friendships that we took for granted along the way.”
Krampus put his hands down. A pensive look crossed his face. He stuck his hand into a hidden pocket in his costume and fished out a cell phone. Human Kite watched as he silently dialed a number and held the phone up to his ear.
“Hello, is this the Park County Police Department? Yes, hi, my name is Kip Drordy, aka Krampus. I’d like to turn myself in for the theft of one thousand donated Christmas toys. Uh-huh. Yes, Mysterion and Human Kite are here. Yes, he did. Yes. Yes, thank you. I’ll be waiting outside.”
Kip turned to look at Human Kite once more. “My god, you are boring . That was the most boring, bullshit speech I’ve ever heard. I never realized how much of a blessing it was that you unfriended me all those years ago. I couldn’t see it at the time, but fuck, I can see it now. I never want to have to sit through one of those asinine lectures again.”
He headed to the door to leave, and as he passed Mysterion, he waved his hand to disengage the firewall.
Human Kite ran over to Mysterion and helped him up off the floor. They watched as Kip disappeared into the darkness.
“That...that’s never happened before,” said Kite.
Mysterion wrapped his arm around his love’s waist. “Hey babe, at least it was effective, right? Now let’s go home and get some sleep.”
In the morning, Kyle woke up to Kenny bringing him breakfast in bed.
“This is a surprise,” he said with a sleepy smile. “What’s the occasion?”
“What, I can’t make my super husband breakfast in bed just because?” asked Kenny.
“You can, but you never do,” Kyle laughed. “Only for special occasions.”
“We made the front page this morning.”
“As Mysterion and Kite? Let me see!” Kyle beamed.
Kenny chewed his lip. “Eat your pancakes first. I need you in a good mood before I show it to you.”
“Seriously? Come on, Ken, what could the paper say that would make me grumpy? Let me see!”
Kenny sighed and fetched the paper. He crawled under the covers with Kyle, handed him the newspaper, and held him, waiting for the reaction he knew was coming.
Mysterion and Human Kite Save Christmas!: Human Kite Debuts New Mind Control Power to Trick Krampus into Surrender!
Kyle grimaced and gestured at the paper.
“Aww, come on!”