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James stood in the corner of the ballroom, his fists clenched. He had to leave.
“Are you okay?” His dad approached, putting a hand on his shoulder. “You look troubled.”
“A little, but it’ll be okay.”
“Want to talk about it?”
James shook his head. “No, not really.”
“Domestic trouble? It can be difficult to adjust to married life, you know.”
“No, it’s not that. Cordelia’s great.” They had been married for a few months, and so far, it had been fun. She certainly was a neater roommate than Matthew had been at the Academy. The food was better too, although that was like saying Monet was a better painter than a two-year old.
He scanned the room. Daisy was talking to his sister, Lucie. He hated to drag her away from her best friend, but if he didn’t leave now, he was going to implode.
“I’m glad to hear that. If you need to talk, I’m here for you.”
“Sure, Dad.”
James let out a breath after his dad left, then he crossed the ballroom to get Cordelia.
Her eyes widened when she saw him. “James, what’s wrong?”
“I need to go home. I’ll tell you about it then.”
“Oh, of course.” She turned to Lucie. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”
Lucie looked concerned. “Of course. James, are you all right?”
“I’ll be fine.” He bit his lip. “Daisy, let’s go.”
“Sure.” Daisy exchanged a look with Lucie before leaving.
His heart lightened a little as they left the Institute and the cool spring air hit him. Cordelia entwined her arm with his. His wife’s concern brought some comfort, but not much.
“What’s wrong?” Cordelia looked sad.
James sighed and looked around. “I’d rather talk about this when we get home. I don’t want to be overheard.”
“Spill.” Daisy’s eyes blazed as they walked into their home. “What is eating you so much that we had to leave the party early?”
James took off his coat. What he wanted to do was pick up something and throw it against the wall. “I caught Christopher and Grace kissing.”
Hurt flashed across her face. It was there for only an instant, but James knew his wife well enough now that he caught it. “I’m sorry.”
“It feels like such a betrayal.” He paced the room. “Grace is free to do as she pleases, of course, now that she broke off her engagement to Charles, but—Christopher?”
Cordelia removed her jacket. Her blue dress looked stunning on her tonight. How had he not noticed it earlier?
“The worst part of it all was—the way she looked at him.”
She took a step forward. “And how was that?”
“She looked at him like—like—” Like Daisy looks at him.
By the Angel, Cordelia was in love with him.
“She loves him.”
Cordelia sighed. “James—”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t burden you with this.” He hated feeling this way. He hadn’t spoken to Grace any more than he had to since their engagement, yet sometimes his thoughts made him feel like he was unfaithful to Cordelia, even though their marriage was fake.
“No, it’s okay. We’re friends. That’s what friends are for, right?” She looked at her shoes.
James brushed a red curl behind her shoulder. “No, it’s not. You’re my wife. I know we agreed to a marriage blanc, but it’s still not appropriate.”
He could tell the subject was causing her pain. How could he be so blind? If he had known how she felt about him, he would have never considered discussing Grace with her.
Cordelia was beautiful; he had always thought her so, in her own way, even while he was in love with Grace. Was in love with Grace. Did he truly still love her?
Her dark eyes were wide. “I care about you James. I hate it when you’re hurting.” She pulled him to the couch. “Even if Grace is not my favorite topic.”
James took her hand. A shiver ran down his spine. The memory of her dancing with Cortana at the Hell Ruelle arose unbidden in his mind. The way she moved. The way she felt in his arms afterwards in The Whispering Room. His mind wandered to the way it felt lying next to her at night; although they never touched, somehow he enjoyed being close to her.
He took a deep breath. His heart was a layer of ice that had been shattered this evening, but underneath, it felt like something was sprouting. As if he finally realized the truth. Did he love Grace, or was she a habit he had grown into? Did he just think he loved her because at one point he had developed strong feelings for her, and he bought into the lie that Herondales only love once?
A lump formed in his gut, like he had swallowed a brick. Grace had never loved him; she had only used him. Even from their earliest moments together, she had used him to trim the weeds around her house. She used him to destroy the automaton, and nearly threw him to the wolves of the Clave when her mother’s house caught on fire. She had been willing to marry him at one point, but only at the expense of giving up everything else he cared about.
That wasn’t love.
Cordelia was different. She had done nothing but sacrifice for him. When he was sick as a child, she read to him. She entered the shadow realm to save his life. She risked her reputation to keep him from going to jail.
“James. I hate to see you this way.” She put her hand on his cheek.
“Daisy, my angel. Forgive me—”
“For what? You weren’t kissing Grace.”
He leaned in and kissed her. He kissed her lips, her cheek, her jaw, her neck.
Her eyes widened. They hadn’t kissed while alone since before the wedding. “James, you’re not making any sense.”
“Daisy, I’m so stupid. I was so hung up on Grace that I didn’t see it. I love you.”
“You—what?”
“I love you. You’re beautiful, you’re kind, you’re brave. I don’t know how I didn’t see it before.”
“James, I know you’re hurting. Don’t say something you don’t mean.” She looked at their entwined hands.
He put his other hand on her hip. “No, I mean it. I should have seen it before. You’ve been nothing but good to me, Daisy.”
“Don’t do this to me, James. It would hurt too much if you change your mind.”
“I could never hurt you Daisy. You know this.”
Cordelia nodded. “James, I love you too. I have—for a long time.”
James wrapped his arms around her waist. “Daisy, I know we agreed on a marriage blanc, but I’d like more. If you’re open to it.”
“What do you mean?”
“I want to be your real husband. I don’t want to divorce in a year. If you still want a marriage blanc, I’ll be okay with it, but I’d be honored if you’d be my real wife.” He let go of her hip and dropped to one knee.
Cordelia’s smile widened. “I’d love to be your real wife,” she said, leaning over to wrap her arms around him.
“Should we have another ceremony?”
“We can’t. Not with everyone. But maybe with just our friends, since they already know?”
“That would be perfect. And if Christopher wants to bring Grace, I’m okay with that.”
“You sure?”
“Absolutely. As long as you’re not bothered by it.”
“No, I’m fine.” Cordelia was beaming.
They stared at each other, awkwardly, not knowing how to move forward.
James raked his eyes over his wife’s figure. “There is one thing we still need to do, you know. To make this official.”
Cordelia blushed under his gaze. “What’s that?”
He felt his cheeks heat.
“Oh. Okay.”
He leaned in and kissed her, slowly, savoring her. She felt soft against him. James lowered her to the couch, not taking his lips off hers. He slid her dress up, revealing her white drawers underneath.
“Tell me if you want me to stop.” He placed his hands hesitantly at her hip.
“No, go on.”
His breath came in short gasps. He felt his pants grow tight as he slid her drawers down her legs.
“You’re so beautiful,” he said. He had seen her in various states of undress as she had changed her clothes before in their shared bedroom, but he had never seen her from this point of view.
She reached up to touch his chest. “I want you, James.”
“I’ll try to make this not hurt, but no guarantees.”
She blushed. “It’s okay. Mâmân had ‘the talk’ with me before our wedding. I know what to expect.”
He leaned over her to kiss her again, careful not to put too much weight over her. She ran her fingers through his hair, pulling him to her. At first, he kissed her slowly, carefully, but she seemed to want more, as did he, and he kissed her more deeply. She felt so amazing.
He unbuttoned his pants and slid them to the floor. For a second, he thought about bringing her upstairs to their bedroom, but he didn’t want to wait. Cordelia arched into him; she didn’t want to wait either.
James was careful, going slow at first, trying to cause as little pain as possible. Cordelia closed her eyes. “I love you,” she whispered.
“Daisy.” He couldn’t believe that he was here with Cordelia, his good friend, his wife, and the woman he loved without even realizing it. He would be with her forever.
Afterwards, he lay next to her, pulling a blanket that had been laying along the back of the couch over them. “I suppose we should make our way upstairs,” he said.
“Mmmm…” Cordelia leaned her head into his chest. “Maybe we can do this again, upstairs.”
He reached for his pants, which he had discarded on the floor, and put them back on.
The front door flew open.
“James, we’ve been worried about you!” Matthew, along with Lucie and the rest of the Merry Thieves, were standing in the doorway. It was his friends’ custom to come and go in their home as they pleased, since it now took the place of their room at the Devil Tavern. He looked at the scene in front of him: Cordelia, laying under a blanket on the couch, discarded drawers on the floor, James, sitting up with rumpled clothes on, and said a silent “oh.”
“James, I’m so sorry,” Christopher said. “I meant to tell you about Grace, but I didn’t know how.”
“It’s okay,” James said. Cordelia sat up and held his hand. “Cordelia and I have had the chance to talk. I’m—okay. And we decided we wanted to have another wedding. A real one, but we’re only inviting you all: the people that knew the first one wasn’t real.”
Matthew raised an eyebrow at him. “You… talked.”
“Yes. I realized that I loved Cordelia all this time. I just didn’t know I did.”
Lucie beamed. “Daisy, I’m so happy for you!” She ran to her best friend and threw her arms around her.
James scratched his head. “But maybe next time you come to our house, you’ll want to knock first?”