Chapter Text
Zoya turned her head away and Nikolai was startled to see tears welling in her eyes. She swiped at them furiously, and he knew that Zoya was angry with herself for letting him see this emotion from her. His commander was always composed, not a hair out of place much like himself and even in the rare moments where they discussed their pasts, they never quite let their guard down enough to display this , which she clearly considered a sign of weakness.
“I’ve only ever let two people into my heart, and considered letting a third in,” she began slowly, her jaw clenching the more she spoke. “One betrayed me, the second freed me, she saved me, only to be killed because I believed in the third.”
“And you think that Genya, Tamar, Tolya, Nadia and David, that they haven’t found their way inside of your heart? That you didn’t love your fellow Grisha who died the night of the Darkling’s attack? To live is to grieve Zoya, because you live, you love and because you love, you will have to say goodbye to that same love one day. Just because something will be hard one day doesn’t mean that we don’t dare to try it all. The General I know would never back down from a challenge. She would charge in head-on, and fight with everything she had.” She looked up at his remark, her eyes sparking with the ferocity he had always admired from her. Her passion kept the light burning, kept him marching and he couldn’t imagine trying to move this country forward without it at his side.
“What’s stopping you, Nazyalensky?” He dared to inch closer to her, until he was sitting close enough to feel the silk of her kefta against his shoulder.
“I’m not scared,” but she wouldn't look at him, her eyes were trained on the mantle.
“I know.”
“What if I forget you?” she blurted abruptly, Zoya’s fingers twisted the midnight blue silk draped over her legs, as her candid statement sparked his own nerves. “Time’s already taken the exact shade of her eyes, the warmth of her hugs, and I’m only in my first lifetime, Nikolai.”
He knew he couldn’t comfort her in her fears-- he had always hoped to live a long life, but a long life for him was only a fraction of Zoya’s life. He would never understand how she truly felt, but he could feel the similarities to his own fears. Nikolai was tired of feeling alone, he wanted this, and he was tired of them both skirting around it all.
He took her hand in his own, lacing his fingers with hers, his heart contracting when her head slipped to his shoulder. He didn’t want to let this go. He wanted to hold onto this for as long as he could, if she would have him. They sat like that until he found the breath he needed to speak again, whispering as he rested his head against hers, "maybe time would not erase me."