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“We should get married.”

Those were Younghoon’s exact words.

When he uttered them, Jaehyun had been busy imagining his life, twenty years later, surrounded by dogs and probably a few too many crossword puzzles. It wasn’t supposed to be as scary of a scenario as it felt right then. But when you’ve just been dumped and the alcohol you’ve started drinking has yet to kick in, it feels like your worst nightmare to end up alone in a life that seems geared for companionship.

Jaehyun had a plan, you see. The perfect plan, since he was a really young boy. The plan had seen some changes since he was 10–he no longer had his prepubescent tunnel vision to look for a wife, necessarily, nor did he associate weddings with church pews filled with relatives he barely knew the name of–but most of the plan was still the same. Find someone to spend his life with and get married, whatever marriage meant to him and his spouse, and be happy. Maybe have children later on too, but that wasn’t set in stone. The important part, the one he had been fixating on since he could remember, was to get married and, subsequently, obviously, unmistakably, be happy. That was the plan. His infallible plan. 

Which turned out to be pretty fallible, in the end.

“What?” He croaked out from Younghoon’s couch.

The beer in his hand wasn’t nearly as cold as he wished it was. God, could anything ever just be right, for once? 

“Not now,” Younghoon, sitting in his favorite armchair with his laptop propped on his knees, explained. “I’m not asking you to marry me right now.”

“Oh, good. You got me worried there.”

“Shut up, let me finish.” Younghoon pushed his glasses up his nose, one finger touching the bridge between the lenses. He had the wild look and messy hair he always had when he was working on something. Jaehyun had known that look since college, and he almost felt bad for knocking on his door on a late Thursday night, but not really, because his world was falling apart, thank you very much, and he could use a best friend. “We’re getting old, right?”

“What is this? Are you trying to depress me to the point of no return?”

“No. My point is, we turned 25 this year, right?”

“Right,” Jaehyun agreed, still dubious.

“And we’re still single, right? Don’t—If you start crying I’ll take that beer away from you.”

Jaehyun sniffed discreetly, peeling the label from the bottle with a finger. “Not crying.”

“You didn’t even like her!”

“Of course I did! I do!” Jaehyun glared at Younghoon before he could call him out on his Freudian slip. “I just wasn’t expecting her to ditch me now. We've been together for two years! I met her cousins! Everything was fine!”

“Except you didn’t love each other.”

Jaehyun tried to play nonchalance to that, shrugging, but the truth was, those words stung. They had been stinging since he heard them first earlier in the day, from his girlfriend herself—well, ex girlfriend. Mostly because they were true, but he didn’t wanna face that yet. 

“I’m not trying to rub salt into the wound—“

“You sure?”

Younghoon ignored him, “I just mean that we’re now both back to square one. We’re both single and with no prospect of marrying anyone anytime soon. Correct?”

Jaehyun sighed, dramatically, because it felt earned. “Correct.”

“Then we should make a plan.”

A plan. Jaehyun knew plans. He watched Younghoon, curiously. “What plan?”

“If we don’t find a significant other in, say, five years time, when we turn 30, we’ll just have to marry each other.”

Jaehyun snorted. It was an automatic reaction, as was the incredulous smile he gave Younghoon. “You’re joking.”

“I’m not.”

“Younghoonie…” Jaehyun could continue that sentence so many different ways. We’re friends, would be one. We’d never work out as an item, not in this lifetime, would be another. You could marry anyone you want, you’re just saying this because you feel bad for me, would be another. Instead, he chose, “Your mother hates me.” 

That got a laugh out of his friend. “She does not!”

“She does. Come on. Let’s be honest here. She still thinks I was high at your brother’s wedding. She’s never gonna forgive me for that.”

Younghoon’s laptop almost fell over with the way he threw his head back laughing. “And that’s still the funniest thing. But she doesn’t hate you! I swear.”

Jaehyun kept peeling the label off the bottle, trying to steer his mind away from his breakup. It was hard work. He thought of Miyeon’s hands, her perfume, things that he took for granted and that maybe shouldn’t be all he clung to right now but he was sad and he really thought that this was gonna be it, that he was about to bring his plan to life—

The bottle was snatched from his hands.

“Hey!” 

“I said no crying,” Younghoon pointed an accusatory finger at him, taking the beer to the kitchen. Jaehyun hadn’t even seen him stand up.

“That’s so toxic of you,” Jaehyun called out. He heard the fridge close, and Younghoon chuckling as he walked back out into the living room. “I can and I should cry, you know.”

“Nope.” Younghoon sat back in his armchair, pulling his computer onto his lap. “Not over a relationship that wasn’t going anywhere. You’re just creating a version of it in your head that’s much better than the real thing ever was and using that as an excuse to wallow in your own pity.”

“I—“

“You always do this.”

Jaehyun was speechless. Ok, maybe Younghoon knew a thing or two about him. He had been following Jaehyun’s failed relationship for years now, after all. Still, Jaehyun felt a little disconcerted that he had been doing exactly that. 

Truth be told, he never really liked Miyeon’s perfume. But it was easier to pretend he did so he would have an excuse to be sad about the whole thing now.

He glanced over at Younghoon, focused on the brief he was typing again. Younghoon sensed his eyes on him, looking up long enough to say, “What?”

“Can I turn on the TV?”

Younghoon nodded, attention already back on his document. “Go for it.”

When Younghoon looked up again later, Jaehyun argued he was crying over Reply 1988 and not over his own failed love life. Which was only partially a lie, anyway.

Three weeks later, it was Jaehyun who brought up the topic again.

“Were you serious when you suggested that plan?”

“Which one?”

“The one where we marry each other if we reach our 30s still single as fuck.”

There was a pause as he ripped the package of cookies open, the sound irritatingly loud in the silence that had fallen over his neighborhood after the power outage across the city. Younghoon, busy trying to find glasses in the darkness of Jaehyun’s kitchen, waited until he had dropped all of the cookies in a bowl—seriously, since when did cookies make this much noise?—to answer.

“Yeah. I mean, why not?”

“I don’t know. I can’t decide if it’s a good plan or a dumb plan.”

“It’s a plan,” Younghoon argued. He opened the fridge and took out a carton of juice. “Is this yours or Haknyeon’s?”

“His. But it’s fine, he won’t mind.”

Younghoon poured them two glasses and put the container back in the fridge. They walked back to the balcony where they had been sitting, watching the starless night sky; Younghoon with their glasses, Jaehyun with the bowl full of cookies.

“Where is he, anyway?” 

“Haknyeonie?” Jaehyun hummed as he shoved a cookie into his mouth. “Probably still at work.”

Younghoon didn’t answer, taking a sip of juice. They were both tired after work, Younghoon particularly so. In a way, Jaehyun was glad for this small respite. If it wasn’t for the power outage in half of Seoul right now, Younghoon would probably be looking at another restless night working on things he brought home from the office, like he always did, as if he wasn’t overworking himself on the daily already. 

“Where would we live?”

“Mm?”

“If we married each other. According to your plan,” Jaehyun relished the cookie in his mouth for a second. “Where would we live?”

“My place, obviously.”

“Why ‘obviously’? This is a very nice apartment.”

“Mine’s bigger.” Younghoon was gazing into the distance, distracted. “And I don’t have a roommate.”

“Hak is barely even home most of the time.”

“But when he is, he really is,” Younghoon argued, giving him a pointed look over his glass. “I don’t think I can cope with all the guests and the partying every weekend.”

“It’s not every weekend,” Jaehyun scoffed. But he relented. “Fine. Your place. How would we split the bills?”

“Fifty fifty.”

“And that’s fair how?”

Younghoon frowned in confusion. “How is splitting things in half not fair in this case?”

“You’re rich.”

“My parents are rich. You and I earn pretty much the same thing.”

Jaehyun mulled it over, not ready to give in just yet, for funsies. “Pretty much but not the same thing, though. You’re still making more.”

“Yeah, because you keep taking cases pro bono,” Younghoon bit into a cookie, watching Jaehyun stare him down until he said. “Ugh, fine. Sixty forty?” 

“Sounds more like it.”

They were in silence for a moment, enjoying the night breeze. It was still eerily quiet for a week night, and that must’ve prompted Younghoon to ask the next question. Jaehyun figured he wasn’t the only one having fun planning this fake marriage, after all.

“We marry on paper but not in church. Right? No religious ceremony?” 

Jaehyun hesitated. “Ideally, no… My grandparents would push for it, though.”

“They’d be ok with it?”

“With what part?”

“I mean,” Younghoon quirked a brow. “Isn’t your entire family Catholic? They’d be ok with you gay marrying?”

Jaehyun laughed. “I think so. I also think that at this point they’d be happy to see me marrying, period, gay or not.” He thought for a second, shrugging. “You’re also a lawyer, so that helps.”

It was Younghoon’s turn to laugh. “Ah, yeah. They’d totally overlook the guy thing and the Buddhist thing because of my job.”

“They actually, really would.”

It wasn’t like Jaehyun had been thinking about it for the three weeks it had taken him to broach the subject again, but he would be lying if he said it didn’t cross his mind at all. The first week had been rough, and there were plenty more tears every time he had opened his gallery to go through his pictures with Miyeon, or when he had found himself locked out of the Netflix account they used to share. But since then, he had been finding his balance again.

Younghoon hadn’t been wrong that first night. There had been no real spark left in Jaehyun’s relationship, so after he got over the initial shock of the breakup, it wasn’t hard to find his footing. It was still a little sad, though, and worrying, because he had been planning to go through with it. He had been planning to marry Miyeon, for god’s sake. And now he was left with no relationship, no bride-to-be, no marriage in sight, or any sort of plan to hold onto.

Well. There was that one plan. Even if it probably wasn’t a serious one. 

“I sleep on the side of the bed that’s closest to the window,” he said now, in the present. 

Younghoon was leaning back on his chair, head thrown back and eyes closed. Even under the faint moonlight reaching them through the clouds Jaehyun could see the bags under his eyes. He was clearly exhausted. He nodded, “I know.”

There was a pause before he opened his eyes and lolled his head to the side to look at Jaehyun. 

“Wait. You wanna sleep in the same bed?”

“I don’t want to do anything, this is an emergency plan,” Jaehyun pointed out. Truth was, it hadn’t occurred to him that they could sleep in separate beds before now, but it made sense. “And we’ve slept in the same bed before.”

“Yeah, but that was college.”

“Still happened. What about you? Do you still listen to music before bed?”

Younghoon nodded. “I hate how quiet it gets in the dark.”

Jaehyun knew that. He also knew that was part of the reason they were hanging out now—Younghoon didn’t like the idea of going back to his own silent apartment in the middle of a blackout. He had said as much when he called Jaehyun as he left the company early that evening. 

“What do you do when you sleep with someone? Do you just whip out your earphones, turn to the side and go to sleep?”

Younghoon snorted. “No. I don’t mind silence when I have company. I can sleep just fine with someone next to me.”

“That’s cute.”

“Shut up.”

“It is! You just don’t like being alone in the dark. Like a toddler.”

Younghoon offered him his middle finger, making Jaehyun laugh.

“So we should probably sleep in the same bed in case we do end up getting married.” 

“What a considerate hubby you will be,” Younghoon said mid-yawn. His eyes were closed again, and Jaehyun wondered if he was close to dozing off in that chair. It looked more and more like it, even as Younghoon spoke again, “Would we still see other people?”

Jaehyun considered it for a moment too long. “I think so, yeah… We would have to. Right?” 

Younghoon didn’t answer. Just as Jaehyun was about to ask him his thoughts, because surely Younghoon had something to add to that, he noticed Younghoon’s lips parted and some faint snoring. He had fallen asleep, just as Jaehyun, now smiling at the sight, had predicted.

Younghoon wasn’t the only one with good observation skills, after all.

Jaehyun had three relationships of varying degrees of seriousness in the next four years.

The first was about six months after his breakup with Miyeon, with a girl that taught Jaehyun all about the wonders of theater. She was an actress, and she knew people from so many different scenes, Jaehyun was always just this side of awkward trying to make conversation at the parties and friendly gatherings she took him to. She had a beautiful voice and big dreams, but none of them involved a wedding. Their relationship was over once they realized they had different aspirations, which was a pity, but neither was particularly heartbroken. It was for the best. They stayed friends afterwards, and Jaehyun was grateful for her and all that their relationship had given him. Theater was part of his life now, even if his ex wasn’t anymore.

His second relationship after Miyeon was with a guy who had the most gorgeous smile Jaehyun had ever seen, and for a while Jaehyun thought he had found the one. He had never met a kinder soul, someone who seemed so determined to be the best possible version of himself… But he had also never met someone so deep in the closet. So deep indeed that Jaehyun never got a chance to introduce him to his friends, or to hold his hand in public. As much as they tried to make it work—particularly Jaehyun, who was willing to wait for as long as his boyfriend needed—, in the end, their relationship didn’t go anywhere, fizzling out before either of them could do anything. It hurt much more than his previous breakups ever hurt him, much more than he expected it to. Jaehyun knew that it was a combination of sadness, pure and simple, for being unable to do anything about it, and love. Because Jaehyun had loved him, deeply so. He left that relationship heartbroken, and it took him some time to glue the pieces of his heart back together. 

The third relationship ended on Christmas, which was very fitting for how weirdly disjointed the whole thing had felt from the beginning. They met at a business conference in Busan. She was a couple of years older than him, beautiful, successful and still aiming higher. As an aspiring prosecutor, she was everything Jaehyun’s parents ever wanted in a daughter-in-law. And the thing was, both Jaehyun and his girlfriend knew that. Her parents also saw potential in Jaehyun, despite his less bougie work with NGOs across town that made him less of a high-profile lawyer in the eyes of conservative parents. They knew their relationship wasn’t just a relationship—the pressure to move forward, to make plans, to make it official was very much present. And to her, irrevocably overwhelming. She left him for a PhD in Sweden, and Jaehyun realized that as desperate as he had once been to find someone to tie the knot with, it could never be like that, pressuring the person he was with knowing they wouldn’t be happy if they went through with it. When they finally parted ways with a kiss on the cheek and a hug, Jaehyun saw in her face that breaking up was the best thing they could have done for each other, really. 

So Jaehyun was 29 when he broke up with his girlfriend over Christmas.

He tried not to think about it as he watched the fireworks on the New Years, or when he went back home for the Lunar New Year. After all, his career was flourishing, he had a niece who absolutely adored her Uncle Jaehyun, and life was treating him great so far. 

Then, a few months later, came Younghoon’s birthday.

It was a much bigger affair than Younghoon’s 29th birthday. His excuse that year was that you only turned thirty once, and it had to be with a bang. So a bang it was, at least for Younghoon’s standards. The club might have been overkill, but Younghoon looked like he was having fun, so Jaehyun tried not to be too judgemental about his choices. Jaehyun mostly hung out in a corner with some of their friends as Younghoon danced with seemingly every single one of his guests on the dance floor. By the end of the night, Younghoon went home with a guy Jaehyun had never seen before, but for whom Younghoon was all smiles.

The problem was, that wasn’t supposed to make Jaehyun's stomach sink. In all the years they had known each other—Jesus, had it really been 12 years?—Jaehyun had lost count of how many people he had seen Younghoon take to bed. It wasn’t any surprise that he’d take someone home on his birthday, and Jaehyun should’ve been expecting that. He really should. But maybe the overwhelming amount of balloons and party hats with the number 30 on them had brought to the surface all the worry Jaehyun had been doing his best to bury deep down in the recesses of his mind for the first half of the year. 

He didn’t call Younghoon the next day, like he usually would after Younghoon’s birthday bash. He didn’t want to be the asshole to bring up a pact they had made years before and that had never been brought up again as anything but an inside joke between them. Maybe Younghoon never really meant it, even though the rational part of Jaehyun’s brain knew he did.

He just let the days go by, hoping to distract himself enough with work and whatever else he could put his mind to.

“What about this one?” Sangyeon walked into the living room again, holding a shirt to his shoulders. It had a weird gradient between mud brown and white, like it had been sunk into brown tint but only halfway through. “Come on. It’s chic.”

“It’s not,” Jaehyun said as Younghoon shook his head. “No, thanks.”

“Seriously? These are all good as new!”

“And ugly, hyung,” Younghoon said. He finished dusting off another DVD case and added it to the box next to him. “Just put anything you don’t want anymore in the donation pile. Someone will be happy to get it.”

“Just not us,” Jaehyun added, grinning. He laughed when Sangyeon stalked off again with a sigh. He called out, “You have many qualities! Your awful taste in clothes doesn’t define you! We love you!”

“Shut up!” Sangyeon shouted back from his room where he had been going through his wardrobe, making them laugh.

It had been a week since Younghoon’s party, and they had been enlisted to help Sangyeon pack his many books, DVDs, and assorted paraphernalia into boxes for his move the following month. He had earned a promotion that would let him move in with his fiancée, which meant he was both thrilled about it and way too excited about small things such as packing.

Jaehyun was happy for him, so he didn’t mind lending a hand. He was halfway through the first of two bookcases, because Sangyeon had never heard of a Kindle, apparently.

“Please tell me you don’t own two copies of every Jason Bourne movie ever made,” Younghoon asked him, fitting the DVDs carefully into the box as he did so. “Because if you do, you’re gonna have to do your packing all by yourself when we move in together. This is insanity.”

Jaehyun’s heart skipped a beat in surprise. “Oh, we’re still getting married?”

“The plan is still up if you want.” Younghoon was distracted, not even looking up to him as he said, “You’re single, aren’t you?”

“I am,” Jaehyun realized he had been dusting off the same copy of The Da Vinci Code for a whole minute. He put the book down in a box and picked another one from the shelf. “Are you, though?”

“Yeah.”

“That guy at the party…?”

“What guy?” Younghoon looked up. “Oh, Sunho? Wait.” He paused, turned his head to the side with a frown. “Sunwoo! That was his name. He was nice, what about him?”

“Nothing. Just wondering if that didn’t go anywhere.”

“Not really. Good lay, though. Would definitely go back for an encore.”

“Why don’t you?”

Younghoon shook his head, focused on the pile of DVDs again. “Too clingy. He asked me on a date literally the next day. Like, literally. Morning of the next day.”

“What’s wrong with that? And what did you say?”

“I said I was busy, I think he got the hint.”

Sangyeon walked back into the room just then, holding a green jacket with fringes and sporting a hopeful smile. 

“Nope,” Jaehyun said as soon as he saw it.

“This is real vegan leather!” Sangyeon argued. With the other two still shaking their heads no, he threw the jacket over his shoulder in defeat and stomped over to his room again.

“Why are you so afraid of commitment?”

Younghoon looked up, confused. “I’m not?”

“You just said you rejected that dude because he was interested in you.”

“He was desperate,” Younghoon corrected him. “That’s different. He wasn’t interested in me, he just wanted a relationship. No offense.”

“None taken. And you don’t?”

Younghoon shrugged. “Maybe. I’m not desperate, though. Being single has its perks.”

“How long have you been single, anyway?”

“Since Youngkyun?” Younghoon offered, way too casual. Jaehyun’s mouth fell open. 

“Youngkyun? Younghoon, that was like, five years ago. Oh my god, you are scared of commitment.” 

“I am not! Would I marry you if I were?”

“Maybe you’re doing this precisely because it’s the easy way out. So you won’t have to commit to a real relationship.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

“Is it?”

“What is?” Sangyeon walked into the room again, no piece of clothing in hand this time. He sat down heavily on the couch. 

“Jaehyun’s saying that I have a fear of commitment, and I’m saying it’s bullshit,” Younghoon explained, right off the bat. “What do you think, hyung?”

“I mean…” Sangyeon stared into the distance with a frown, as if really giving it a thought. “You’re definitely… a player.”

“That’s straight code for slut,” Jaehyun said. Both Sangyeon and Younghoon reached to swat at him, and he dodged out of their reach, laughing. “It is! His last relationship was five years ago, hyung!”

“Jesus, that was before we met?” 

“Around the same time,” Younghoon said. “You met my ex and everything.”

“Did I?”

“Shoulder-length hair, deep voice,” Jaehyun tried to jog Sangyeon’s memory. “He was Younghoon’s plus-one at Haknyeon’s graduation party. Gray shirt, black jacket, eyebrow piercing.”

“Wow, good memory,” Younghoon marveled.

“Mine’s shit,” Sangyeon brushed his face tiredly. “I don’t remember him. And if I don’t remember him, man... It’s been a while. Jaehyun has a point.”

“He doesn’t. I’m not scared of commitment,” Younghoon argued. “I just haven’t found anyone worth ditching single life for.”

But you’re planning to marry me, Jaehyun wanted to say. How does that work? 

He didn’t want to voice any of that out loud, because they had never discussed their pact with their friends. But Younghoon met his eyes, and he saw the questions there. Instead of addressing them, Younghoon averted his gaze and stood up, dusting his hands on his pants. 

“Well, before this turns into an intervention, I’m gonna make some coffee. Do you mind?” He asked Sangyeon, who shook his head. “Be right back.”

They watched him walk away before Sangyeon whispered with a tinge of concern, “Five years?”

Jaehyun nodded. He didn’t know what to say to that, and his gut was telling him this wouldn’t be the last time he would wonder and worry about that, either.

Jaehyun’s birthday also came and went, a much more private affair that Haknyeon offered to organize as the official party planner between the two. Jaehyun was happy to see so many friendly faces at his place, and he enjoyed the night immensely. 

He made a point of ignoring any and all thoughts about the future, dodging well-intentioned questions from friends and everything. That was his night to have fun. Everything else took a back seat.

He couldn’t help but notice, however, that Younghoon didn’t end the night in his usual Younghoon way—he didn’t take anyone home this time around. Which, sure, could just mean he didn’t find anyone worth his time amongst Jaehyun’s closest friends and acquaintances, many of which he already knew anyway, but still. Jaehyun’s mildly drunk brain counted that as victory at the time, sending Younghoon a joking flying kiss across the room when he spotted him leaving with a couple of friends and Chanhee, their perpetual designated driver. Younghoon laughed, pretended to catch the kiss and pressed it to his heart. Jaehyun was in a good mood for the rest of the night.

Jaehyun’s hungover brain, on the other hand, had many regrets the next morning.

Drinking as much as he had was the most urgent one, of course, but he also felt a deep sense of shame when he tried to rationalize his feelings the night before. Had he really been happy to see his friend alone? What was so good about seeing Younghoon leave a party without someone hanging off his arm? Had Jaehyun really taken that stupid plan so seriously he was rejoicing the fact that his best friend couln’t find love just so he could marry Jaehyun?

If he had been feeling iffy about the plan before, when he realized Younghoon maybe wasn’t all that interested in committed, long-term relationships, now he was positively put off by the whole thing for turning him into someone so selfish. That was his only explanation for the whole thing, after all—he was being selfish, hoping Younghoon wouldn’t find someone just so he could be with him. Which was so awful and self-centered of him, Jaehyun couldn’t even think about it without a piercing feeling of shame.

That was how Jaehyun decided not to bring up their pact again. At least for a while, in hopes Younghoon would forget it, or find someone to get him out of their agreement in the meantime.

Work was a good distraction for that. Jaehyun dove head first into a case that could open a lot of opportunities for the NGO he was working with, and his single-minded focus helped them secure a win in the end. To say he was over the moon with the results would be an understatement. 

“To Lee Jaehyun,” Younghoon raised his Sprite in a toast. “The best lawyer any nonprofit would ever need, and the terror of inhumane corporations everywhere.”

Jaehyun threw his head back laughing, toasting with his water. “I was working with a team and I also represent some corporations, but sure, I’ll take it.”

They were in Younghoon’s office, finishing the takeout dinner Jaehyun had bought on his way over. By the time Jaehyun was done celebrating with his team and writing down some final notes for the things he’d have to prepare the next day, it was way past dinnertime. He called Younghoon to tell the good news and found out he hadn’t had dinner either—he hadn’t even gone home yet, as a matter of fact.

“I mean,” Younghoon gestured to his own office, dismissively. “We’re all part of the machine, anyway.”

“When you start going all philosophical like that it’s a sign you’re sleep-deprived.”

Younghoon laughed, tried to kick his foot from across the couch. “Shut up.”

Jaehyun was so incredibly happy, he couldn’t stop his smile. He put down his now empty plastic container, took another big sip of water. “Not to be me, but you do look like shit, Younghoonie. Have you been sleeping at all?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I mean,” Younghoon looked up as he recounted his past few days. “I got a solid... five hours of sleep on Tuesday.”

“And yesterday?”

“I had some reading to do.”

Jaehyun raised his eyebrows. “You didn’t sleep?”

“I did. I took a nap,” Younghoon cringed. “I know how bad that sounds, but I’m good. Look!”

He did a flourish with his hand, trying to call attention to his face as he widened his eyes in a fruitless effort to look awake. 

“I’m driving you home,” Jaehyun decided. “There’s no way I’m letting you drive like this.” 

Younghoon’s shoulders deflated as he admitted defeat, pouting. He finished his food too, and they stared at the mess of plastic containers and empty cups on the small coffee table for a second, tired but happy. Jaehyun could feel exhaustion starting to take over the excitement, body finally catching up to the hours he put behind that case in the past few weeks. 

“You deserved this win,” Younghoon said, exhaustion clear in his voice, but also honesty. He meant every word. “You’re brilliant at this.”

Jaehyun smiled. Grateful, not only for the reassurance, for the praise from someone who knew how hard he had worked to get there, but for Younghoon’s company, too. That was always a reminder that no matter how hard things could get, there would always be a moment like this at the end of the day, or the week. 

As these thoughts crossed his mind, Jaehyun was reminded of a night not unlike this one, five years before, with the city quiet around them, bathed in darkness. The night when he first considered—really, really considered—marrying his best friend, even if it felt more like a silly joke back then. That felt like such a long time ago.

“I promised myself I wouldn’t bring this up again,” he said, letting exhaustion and the good mood he had found himself in that day choose his words for him. “But remember our plan? To marry each other when we reached 30?”

“I do.”

“Would you have gone through with it?”

Jaehyun expected him to say something, maybe laugh at the absurdity of the idea, but instead Younghoon put down his soda and stood up. 

He didn’t say anything as he walked over to his desk, opening a drawer. Jaehyun watched him, drinking his water, a little bit distracted by how Younghoon’s hair fell over his face as he bent down to pick something from the drawer. 

Younghoon came back with his hand closed around something small enough that Jaehyun couldn’t see it. It was only when he had sat down on the couch again that he put the little velvet box between them on the couch.

“What’s this?” Jaehyun asked after a pause. He knew what it looked like, but… “Is this…?”

He picked up the box. A ring box. He opened it to reveal a silver band with a rose gold interior, discreet enough but still beautiful.

“Oh, it’s gorgeous,” Jaehyun said. He looked up, cautious. “What is this, Younghoonie?”

“Your engagement ring,” Younghoon explained. He looked relaxed, resting his head on a hand, leaning against the couch. “If we went with it. The plan.”

“The plan,” Jaehyun repeated in disbelief.

“Why is that so surprising?”

“It’s just… Did you really buy me a ring?”

“Don’t get too cocky, I bought it a couple years ago,” Younghoon said in a teasing lilt, eyes on the ring now that Jaehyun was taking it out of the box to look at it closely. “I had it adjusted to your size too. It’s pretty, right?”

“Younghoonie…”

It was more than pretty. It was gorgeous, exactly the kind of elegance and careful detail Jaehyun would expect from something handpicked by Younghoon. He touched the smooth inside of the ring, feeling weirdly emotional all of a sudden.

“It’s perfect,” he said, voice coming out in an awed whisper. That brought him back to the present. He cleared his throat, a little embarrassed by how much that was affecting him. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Usually people say ‘yes’ or ‘no’,” Younghoon joked.

“You know what I mean.” He finally looked up from the ring in his hands. “You meant to marry me?”

Younghoon watched his face for a moment before he said, “Yes. I mean, why not? That was our plan. And it’s still on the table, no matter how heartless or afraid of commitment you think I am. I’d still marry you if you asked me.”

“I don’t think you’re heartless,” was the first thing Jaehyun said. “Quite on the contrary. I don’t want to keep you from finding love. Real love. If that even exists.”

Younghoon smiled. It was a small curve of the tip of his lips, and something about it made Jaehyun curious to ask what was so funny about it, but he resisted the urge.

“If it exists, who says I won’t find it? I’ll be married, not dead.”

Jaehyun sighed. He leaned back on the couch and brought the ring up to his face, staring at it. Maybe he was in such a good place in his life that the pros were outweighing the cons momentarily. Maybe he was just tired of waiting, tired of second guessing himself all the time. Maybe marrying his best friend was the kindest thing he could do for both of them. 

He looked at Younghoon again.

“Do you promise to be completely honest and tell me if you want out at any given point in time? I mean it. Honesty is gonna be important if we’re gonna do this.”

“I promise,” Younghoon said. “Do you?”

“I do.”

“Good. So can we start talking cakes and honeymoon? Because I have some ideas.”

Their ideas matched, for the most part. 

The planning they started brainstorming in the next couple of weeks went something like this: they were still going to have a small ceremony, possibly in the spring, to give them a few months to break the news to their family and friends. Jaehyun was going to ask his sister to officiate, as she had done it before for friends. Younghoon already had an idea in mind for their honeymoon: some beach he had visited once with his family and that felt idyllic enough after years of neither taking a proper vacation. Jaehyun would move into Younghoon’s place after the New Years, preferably, although he didn’t want to leave the apartment too suddenly and leave Haknyeon, his roommate of years, to deal with all their bills on his own, even though he’d probably be more than fine with having the apartment to himself.

In many ways, it felt exciting to plan all of this with Younghoon, like they were 19 again and planning the most outlandish party they could fit in their college student budget. Except this wasn’t just a party.

Jaehyun was excited. He had a good feeling about this. It felt right to be doing this—planning a wedding, planning his next move, and to be doing so with someone he knew as well as Younghoon. Finally, his childhood plan seemed to be coming true, even if he didn’t imagine the marriage to be one of convenience when he was 10. 

But well, things change, right?

December started colder than usual. Jaehyun dressed up as warmly as he could, knowing the party—and the alcohol—would warm him enough once he was inside Chanhee’s luxurious place, brushing shoulders with all kinds of celebrities. And he wasn’t wrong, both about the warmth and the celebrities.

Chanhee’s parties, as informal as he claimed them to be, would always have some ballad singer, famous rapper, or A-list actress mingling amongst the guests. Jaehyun was used to it, or as used as he could get, really. Chanhee didn’t bat an eye at it anymore, ever since he had been crowned one of the OST titans last year, and Younghoon wasn’t that fazed by celebrities anymore after representing the same broadcast station for years. Jaehyun, however, could get a little starry-eyed whenever Younghoon brought him as his plus-one to these parties.

“Is that—Oh my god, it is Uhm Junghwa.” 

He choked on his drink a little bit. Younghoon patted his back.

“Yes. Try not to drool, please.”

They had been standing next to the snacks table, and Jaehyun was too preoccupied staring at Uhm Junghwa across the room to spot Chanhee when Younghoon did. He pulled on Jaehyun’s arm.

“Oh, he’s over there, let’s go say hi,” he said, pulling Jaehyun with him. 

Jaehyun tried to take a sip of his mocktail as he followed him through the party before he bumped into someone and it spilled all over his hand. He managed to do it right before they reached Chanhee and a couple of other people.

“You guys came! How’s it going, babe?” Chanhee and Younghoon greeted each other with kisses to the cheek, but Jaehyun froze in place when he realized who was standing right there, in front of him. “Remember the artist I told you about? The one I was gonna collab with for the collection? Ta-da!” Chanhee, cheeks rosy from blush and probably the cocktail in his hand, indicated the man next to him. “Younghoon, this is Kevin Moon. Kevin, these are some close friends who are definitely gonna buy tons of our bracelets once we start selling them, Younghoon and Jaehyun.”

Younghoon laughed, greeting Kevin with a handshake. “Nice to meet you, and yes, we probably will.”

“They’re lawyers,” Chanhee whispered conspiratorally, faking a shudder. “Oh, sorry, my bad, this is Jacob Bae, Kevin’s fiancé and apparently the next music producer I should get in a room with my agents?”

Jacob looked as pale as Jaehyun himself felt. It had been years, sure, but not that long ago that he looked much different from when they were together. His hair was still a honey blond, and his eyes were still round and dark, showing surprise at seeing Jaehyun there. 

“Hi,” Jacob stammered out, taking Younghoon’s extended hand and opening a nervous—but still beautiful, as it had always been—smile. “Hi, nice to meet you.”

Jaehyun did the polite thing, which was to shake both Kevin’s and Jacob’s hands, but he couldn’t get a word out. His throat felt dry, constricted. He took a sip of his drink as Chanhee went on and on about this collaboration he’d make for his accessories brand using Kevin’s art. Jaehyun mostly nodded and laughed when everyone else did, but he was so out of it, he didn’t know exactly where the conversation was headed.

He noticed Kevin’s right hand linked to Jacob’s left one. When he looked back up, Jacob’s eyes were on him. There was something there—remorse? Pity? Sorrow? Jaehyun couldn’t quite tell. He felt so empty all of a sudden, so lonely. Even though he was in a party with at least thirty other people, surrounded by friends, standing right next to Younghoon and Chanhee, Jaehyun had never felt lonelier in his life.

His heart twisted when Jacob gave him a small, apologetic smile. Jaehyun smiled back, but it hurt. So much. Too much.

“You ok?” Younghoon had turned to him with concern, whispering so no one would hear him but Jaehyun.

Jaehyun had no idea what had given him away, but he wasn’t about to lie. “I think I’m gonna—” He turned to the others. “Sorry, I’m gonna leave first, but it was nice meeting you all! Great party once again, Chanhee.”

“I do my best,” Chanhee winked at him, playful, but also gentle. He must’ve noticed it too, whatever it was that was giving Jaehyun away. “Drive safe, hyung.”

Jaehyun barely had the mind to give Kevin and Jacob a weak smile before he turned on his heels and basically fled the party. It was all a blur from the moment he dived into the crowd to the moment he emerged outside of the house, breathing in the night air like it was the best thing he had ever breathed and not the polluted air of a metropolis.

“What’s wrong?” Younghoon had followed him outside, because of course he had. He was watching Jaehyun with visible concern. “You’re white as a sheet.”

“I’m—” Jaehyun swallowed dry. He realized he was still holding his mocktail and put it down on the ground, next to the door. He wouldn’t go back inside for one million dollars right now. “I’m not feeling ok. A bit nauseous.” 

Younghoon held onto his arm, as if half expecting Jaehyun to drop unconscious at any second. “I’ll take you home, then.”

“No, it’s fine, I can call an Uber—”

“Nonsense. We came together, we’re leaving together. Come on.”

He helped Jaehyun to the car, and climbed on the driver seat. He had to adjust the seat to fit his legs, and strangely enough, Jaehyun found that to be the thing that calmed him down a notch, at least enough that he was sure he wasn’t about to throw up. Something about Younghoon, who wasn’t the most enthusiastic driver of all time, so focused on adjusting the seat and the mirrors in Jaehyun’s car to drive him home. Younghoon, who didn’t ask him any questions other than to make sure he didn’t want to go to a hospital, still eyeing him with worry when Jaehyun assured him it wasn’t anything that serious.

It was too cold to open the window and stick his head out, but Jaehyun almost did exactly that. Maybe a gush of icy air to the face was exactly what he needed to wake him up from this weird daze, this sudden darkness he found himself sluggishly making his way through. The rational part of his brain won in the end, but he still rested his forehead against the cold window, closing his eyes for most of the ride home.

The soft clicking of the blinkers made Jaehyun open his eyes a few minutes later. They were at Jaehyun’s building, waiting for the gates to open. Younghoon drove carefully into the underground garage, used to its layout but probably not used to driving Jaehyun’s SUV through it.

Younghoon parked in Jaehyun’s spot and turned the ignition off. He took his seatbelt off but didn’t open his door once he realized Jaehyun hadn’t taken off his.

Jaehyun thought he had calmed down. He thought the shock had worn off and that he was ready to explain what all of that was about, because he was usually way more put-together than this. It wasn’t like him to run away like he had done tonight. It wasn’t like him to tear up when he felt Younghoon’s eyes on him like he was doing now. He tried to keep it together, but he knew he had failed once the first couple of tears fell.

Younghoon took his seatbelt off for him and brought him in for a hug that was only a little awkward given their position. Jaehyun let himself be hugged, embarrassed to be crying into his hands, quietly.

The hug helped. The first and only wave of tears stopped after a short while, and he felt confident enough to pull away and wipe at his face.

“Sorry,” he said, not looking up. 

The garage was so quiet that late into the night. Younghoon’s voice was small, soft. 

“What happened?” 

Jaehyun looked up, smiling in shame, disbelief, disappointment in himself. “That was—Jacob is my ex.”

“Ex?”

“Ex boyfriend,” Jaehyun clarified, since apparently he needed to. “We dated a couple years back.”

“You—” Younghoon stopped himself before starting again. “What happened between you two?”

“It just didn’t work. He wasn’t out, to anyone. He said it wasn’t gonna work because he wasn’t ready yet. So we broke up.”

Jaehyun watched someone walk out of the elevators and into a car, all the way across the garage, far from them. He felt more stupid than he had felt in a while to be this much of a mess over something he was sure he had left in the past.

“And now he’s marrying another guy,” Younghoon completed the picture. Jaehyun nodded. “So he was giving you weird looks. I wasn’t sure if I was misinterpreting it.” 

Jaehyun chuckled. “Pity looks, yeah.”

“I don’t know about that.”

“I loved him,” Jaehyun explained, turning to meet Younghoon’s eyes. “That’s the thing. I really think I did, Younghoonie. Which sounds dumb because we weren’t together for long, but he was… I don’t know. I thought he was perfect. And he knows I loved him. I didn’t exactly make it a secret.”

There was a moment of silence before Younghoon asked, “Do you still love him?”

Jaehyun shook his head. “No. I haven’t thought about him in so long. Maybe that’s why it was such a shock to see him tonight, I just—I think I forgot? How much I loved him? It’s weird. I just didn’t—I erased him, almost.”

“You tend to do that,” Younghoon pointed out. He was watching Jaehyun’s face with such a thoughtful, intense gaze. Jaehyun felt as if he could see his soul. “You erase the bad parts until you only remember the good things.”

Jaehyun thought about that. “That’s not very smart.”

“Depends on who you ask,” Younghoon said, wiping at the corner of Jaehyun’s eye with a gentle brush of his thumb. “You’re protecting yourself, the way I see it.”

“Until it comes back to bite me in the ass,” Jaehyun countered, making Younghoon laugh.

“I mean, yeah. But by then you’re in another place, better equipped to deal with it all. I think it’s as good a coping mechanism as any.”

It was Jaehyun’s turn to watch Younghoon’s face, still beautiful even under the unflattering lights of the parking garage filtering through the windshield. There was probably no one else in the world Jaehyun would feel comfortable enough sharing these thoughts with. He didn’t feel comfortable thinking these things, let alone talking about them, but with Younghoon, things just seemed a little more possible. Always had.

“Thank you. And I’m sorry for all this,” Jaehyun gestured vaguely. “Sorry for making you leave Chanhee’s party like that, too.”

“You didn’t make me do anything.”

“You know what I mean, smartass.”

Younghoon chuckled, opening his door. “I do. Come on, I’m starving.”

“Haknyeon isn’t home, by the way.” Jaehyun followed Younghoon out of the car and towards the elevators. “He's at his mom’s for a birthday or something.”

“I know.”

“You do? How?”

Younghoon pointed to the empty parking spot next to Jaehyun’s car, where Haknyeon parked his own car, “Elementary, my dear Watson.”

That made Jaehyun laugh—really laugh for the first time since seeing Jacob that night. “You know you’re Watson, right?”

“I’m so not. I’m Holmes.”

“What makes you think that?”

“I’m taller.”

Jaehyun’s loud laugh echoed in the garage.

By the time Jaehyun came out of the shower, Younghoon had a simple cheese sandwich and a mug of hot chocolate ready for him.

“I didn’t even know we had cocoa,” he said, taking a sip of the chocolate, careful not to burn himself. “Oh, this is so good.”

“Haknyeon always has everything,” Younghoon said. “You of all people should know that by now.”

They sat on the couch and ate watching the first film they could agree on—a compromise between Younghoon’s gory horrors and Jaehyun’s historical dramas. That left them with an action movie that was bad enough to be entertaining, which helped ease some more of the tension on Jaehyun’s shoulders. As the surprisingly spry middle-aged character on the screen started to figure out the plot twist, Jaehyun let himself get more comfortable on the couch, leaning his head on Younghoon’s shoulder and sighing.

“Don’t fall asleep on me,” Younghoon warned. 

Jaehyun smiled. “I won’t. Don’t worry.”

“How are you feeling?”

He took a moment to assess his own emotions before answering, as truthfully as he could, “Better. Still a little shitty, but that’s as good as it will get right now. Just processing.”

Younghoon hummed, a sign that he had heard him. They watched the character fight off two bad guys in a comically heroic scene before he said, “You know… Before tonight, I could swear you were straight.”

Jaehyun pulled back from his shoulder to give him a perplexed—and, sure, kind of offended—look. “Dude. I went out with guys in college. You were there.”

“Exactly! In college. I thought you were, you know. Experimenting.”

“Experimenting for four years?” Jaehyun scoffed. “You thought I was experimenting by dating Kang Hyunggu for the entirety of our last term?”

“Maybe!” Younghoon threw his hands up, looking cornered and adorable with the way he kept widening his eyes trying to explain himself. “I don’t know, I thought you were just making the most of it, or something.”

Jaehyun laughed. Younghoon glanced at him suspiciously before cracking a smile, too.

“I’m glad my confusion is amusing to you. But to be fair, you never introduced any guys to me after Hyunggu.”

“That’s true. I went out with a few right after college and after Hyunggu, but nothing serious. Then it was just girls for a while,” Jaehyun stared at the TV, not really paying any attention to the film anymore. “Then Jacob.”

“Do you wanna talk about that?”

Jaehyun shrugged. He leaned against Younghoon’s shoulder again, suddenly missing the contact and the warmth. The night was chilly enough without poking at those memories.

“There’s not much else to say, I think.”

“Why didn’t you tell me about him?”

Jaehyun looked up and found Younghoon looking at him, curious eyes searching his face. 

“I don’t know,” he said, honestly. “I think I was hoping I’d be able to introduce him to you someday. When he broke things off, I just… Never talked about it again.”

“Pretended it never happened?”

“In a way. Cried for a while on my mom’s shoulder like any grown adult would and then went back to life like nothing ever happened.” 

“Wait,” Younghoon frowned. “Was that when you went home for like, two weeks, out of nowhere? A few years ago?”

Jaehyun nodded, a smile tugging at his lips at how quickly he had done the math. “Bingo.”

“You motherfucker,” Younghoon said, way too softly for it to carry any real bite, making Jaehyun laugh. “I was so worried. I was convinced the first few days that your dad was dying or something.”

“Jesus, that’s morbid.”

“You just left! We couldn’t reach you for a whole week. The only reason I didn’t drive all the way to Incheon was because Haknyeon texted your mom.”

“Oh, yeah, I remember that,” Jaehyun said, feeling only a little bit guilty. It was sweet to imagine Haknyeon and Younghoon frantically texting his mom, even if it was his fault for making them worry in the first place. “I freaked her out by showing up out of nowhere, but she helped a lot. And she was really touched that you guys were trying to reach me. She adores you. Both of you, really.”

“As she should. I’m delightful.”

Jaehyun shoved Younghoon playfully. He glanced at his finger, his ring finger more specifically, and thought of the ring neatly tucked away in his closet. 

“She’s probably gonna be really happy when she hears the news,” he said. 

He didn’t have to explain what he meant. That was a recurring thing with Younghoon, he realized—he didn’t have to explain too much, because they knew each other so well, Younghoon could understand his vague sentences just as well as Jaehyun could understand Younghoon’s rambling. That wasn’t an easy feat. They clicked, in a way Jaehyun was starting to realize was much more rare in real life than books and films had made him believe. 

Jaehyun looked up at him. At his dark, understanding eyes; at the way the shadow of a frown vanished from his face as soon as he met Jaehyun’s eyes. Jaehyun knew him. He knew Younghoon like he didn’t know anyone else. 

That knowledge validated his urge to lean in and catch Younghoon’s lips in a kiss. 

It wasn’t planned. He had no logical explanation as to why he did it, or what he meant by doing it. It had been impulsive, a spur of the moment thing. He was half expecting Younghoon to pull back, push him away, but he knew he wouldn’t. 

Because he knew Younghoon. Even when he thought he didn’t, he knew.

And Younghoon didn’t pull back, not at first. He let Jaehyun kiss him, responding in kind when Jaehyun applied the lightest pressure to his lips. It wasn’t until Jaehyun parted his own to deepen the kiss that Younghoon stopped him.

“This isn’t a good idea,” he said in a breath. His cheeks were flushed pink, lips parted open. He looked so gorgeous. Jaehyun was surprised with himself by the sheer need he felt to kiss him again.

“Oh.”

“I don’t want you to—“ Younghoon paused, licked his lips. His eyes darted down to Jaehyun’s lips and he shifted back on the couch, putting some distance between them. “Tonight wasn’t easy for you.”

Jaehyun understood where he was coming from, he really did. But it was still like a bucket of cold water to hear him say it. The underlying you don’t know what you’re doing clear enough in his words. 

“No, yeah. You’re right. It wasn’t.”

“I should go.”

Younghoon hesitated before he stood up, picking up his phone from the coffee table. He was flustered, eyes wide and panicked like a deer in the headlights. Jaehyun stood up as well and watched him fidget in place for another second before he started heading for the door.

“Call me if you need anything. Ok?” He was saying. Jaehyun nodded, but when he didn’t say anything, Younghoon paused, looked back at him. “Sorry. It’s all good. It’s just… We’ll talk some other time.”

“It’s ok,” Jaehyun nodded, giving him an understanding, if a little sad, smile. He didn’t think saying anything else right now would be of much help.

With one last conflicted look at him, Younghoon turned around and left.

The way they left things made Jaehyun think back to that night the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that, and so on.

He wondered if he had jumped the gun, too shaken up by his encounter at Chanhee’s party to make the right call. But the more he thought about it, and the more his chance meeting with Jacob slipped from his mind, the more certain he felt that Younghoon’s fears were unfounded. He was as clear-headed as he had ever been when he made the decision to kiss Younghoon. It wasn’t a trick of his emotions, nor was it a desperate attempt to connect with the first person to show him compassion that night. Jaehyun covered all his bases. He thought of that night from every angle. He knew he hadn’t made a mistake.

In reality, he knew that had been the first right decision he had made in a while.

At the same time, however, he understood Younghoon’s apprehension. It certainly looked like the kind of bad call you make when you’re sad and lonely and wondering why you weren’t enough for someone else. He couldn’t blame Younghoon for feeling conflicted about the whole thing.

Because, you see, Jaehyun was still so sure that he hadn’t read Younghoon wrong. He didn’t know what had changed that night that finally made him see what was right in front of him; if it was Younghoon’s frank, open-chested concern for him, or if it was the way his eyes grew so soft when he looked at Jaehyun. Something had finally clicked and Jaehyun understood that if he were to kiss Younghoon right then, he wouldn’t be rejected. And he had been right, to an extent.

It was tricky, trying to organize his thoughts and, more importantly, his feelings the next few days. He didn’t see Younghoon for the remainder of that week, which was fine; sometimes work kept them too busy to hang out, anyway, conflicted emotions or not. They were still talking in the group chats with their friends as usual. That minimal distance was a good thing, Jaehyun thought. It gave them time to think. What was tricky about it, though, was that Jaehyun wasn’t half as anxious about the situation as he thought he ought to be.

Instead of the paralyzing fear he thought he would feel once he realized he might end up having feelings for his best friend, Jaehyun felt oddly at peace.

It was strange to think back to his growing anxiety the past year now. All that fear, that panic that he was going to grow old alone felt so silly now. He had never been alone. Ever since college, he had never been truly alone. Younghoon had always been there with him. 

It made sense if he grew to be the person Jaehyun would ultimately fall in love with, didn’t it?

“Beer?” Haknyeon asked, shoving a beer in his face. Jaehyun blinked in surprise, accepting the drink. Haknyeon sat next to him on the couch with a loud sigh. “You can’t in good conscience like this show,” he commented, pointing to the TV.

Jaehyun laughed, taking a sip of his beer. “God, no. It’s just background noise. I’m not really paying attention.”

“I noticed. You look like you’re on another planet.”

“I’m just thinking about some things.”

Haknyeon gave him a sideways glance, “Wanna talk about it?”

“I kinda do, but,” Jaehyun made a face. How could he talk about Younghoon to Haknyeon, to any of his closest friends, really, considering most of them were Younghoon’s friends, too? “It’s complicated.”

“Something at work?”

“No, actually, not work.”

Haknyeon nudged his shoulder, raising his eyebrows conspiratorially. “Personal life? As in, love life?”

Jaehyun laughed. “Yeah.”

“Oh, hyung, you didn’t tell me you met someone!” Haknyeon knew just the right kind of teasing to get Jaehyun out of his head, and Jaehyun was so grateful for it. He was smiling as Haknyeon nudged him again, “Girl trouble? Boy trouble? Neither?”

Jaehyun turned to him, surprised. “Oh, you know I’m not straight?” 

“What? Why would I think you were straight?”

“Younghoon did. Until a few days ago.” 

Haknyeon scoffed. “He didn’t, not really. If he said that he’s lying to you and to himself. He probably just hoped you would be. You know, so you’d never leave friendzone. Younghoon hyung can be a little dense, bless his soul.”

Jaehyun tried to stop his smile. That sounded like Younghoon, alright. Leave it to Haknyeon to be the one to put the cards out on the table like this.

He noticed Jaehyun’s smile, adding with a smirk, “Does he really think you like the Marvel movies for the plot and not for the feast it offers our bi little eyes? Please.”

Jaehyun laughed again. “Right? You get it.”

“Of course I do.” 

Haknyeon took a long sip of his beer as they stared at the TV, not really watching the show but letting the brainless dialogue distract them for a moment. It hadn’t been long since Haknyeon had gotten home from work, hair still wet from the shower, but he looked happy, despite the late hour. Jaehyun was always relieved to see him relaxed after a long day of work, because Haknyeon could be a little bit of a workaholic, but he never seemed to go overboard. He was a master at administering his time and energy, something Jaehyun really admired him for—and that made it easier not to worry about him. It helped that he seemed to love his job, too.

It was a stark contrast to how much Jaehyun worried about Younghoon's well-being in relation to the same thing. But he tried not to go there right now.

“Hyung, can I offer you some unsolicited advice?”

“Go for it,” Jaehyun said. “I always do that to you.”

“True.” Haknyeon paused, eyes on the TV. Then he said, carefully, choosing his words. “Just... follow your heart. I know it sounds corny as hell when I say it like that, but I mean it. You have your heart in the right place, so.” He turned to Jaehyun, and there was a glint in his eyes that told Jaehyun he might have an idea of what was at stake. “If there’s anyone who could follow their heart and not expect disaster at the end of the road, that would be you.”

Haknyeon’s advice kept echoing in Jaehyun’s head for the next few days. He didn’t know how solid it was—Jaehyun’s heart hadn’t always been right, after all. But the more he thought about it, the more he felt confident that there was some truth to it.

Jaehyun could be oblivious, and he could make choices that would ultimately prove to be wrong, but he never did anything disingenuously. He never did things he felt were wrong on purpose.

And he really didn’t think he was wrong about this.

The week before Christmas, he had dinner with his sister, his brother-in-law, and a couple of friends at a restaurant uptown. It was relaxing, fun, and comforting, even, in a way Jaehyun hadn’t realized he needed. There was no pressure on his shoulders to pretend to be more happy than he truly felt, and he didn’t feel as lonely as he used to feel watching his sister and her husband act like the married couple in love they had always been. 

Even his sister seemed to notice it. She didn’t mention it, because they rarely talked about these things in person—he suspected he would be getting texts from her later—but her hug when they stood up to leave said everything. She was happy for him. Relieved. 

He bid everyone goodbye but didn’t leave with them, instead turning back into the restaurant to use the restroom. It was on his way back out that he spotted him. 

Younghoon was sitting at a table further into the restaurant than Jaehyun’s had been, in what seemed to be a work gathering—at least everyone at the table was wearing a suit, and Jaehyun thought he recognized a couple of faces from Younghoon’s office. They looked like they were having a drink after dinner, conversation light and friendly. Jaehyun stopped in his tracks long enough to catch Younghoon laughing at something another person said, his big smile so beautiful even from this distance he couldn’t help but stare. Jaehyun had to literally blink a couple of times to bring himself back to the present, averting his eyes before anyone noticed him standing there awkwardly.

A decision formed itself in his brain before he had really thought it through. He chose a small table as close as possible to the exit and sat down, asking for a glass of water while he waited. 

Which was maybe a bad idea, he thought as he sat there for the first fifteen minutes. Younghoon and his coworkers could be there for hours, Jaehyun had no way to know. But his patience paid off when another fifteen minutes passed by and he caught sight of Younghoon walking towards the door by himself. He didn’t need to flag him down. Younghoon spotted him right away, changing directions and walking over to him.

“Hey,” he greeted him with a smile that was so pretty, Jaehyun was suddenly reminded they hadn’t seen each other in over two weeks. “What are you doing here?”

“Just had dinner with Jihyun and Junho,” Jaehyun explained. 

“Wait, is she here?” Younghoon turned on his heels to look for Jaehyun’s sister. “I haven’t seen them in forever.”

“They left a while ago. I was—I am waiting for you, actually. I saw you were having dinner and thought I would wait.”

“Oh,” Younghoon turned back to him, growing cautious. 

“I wanted to talk, Younghoonie. If that’s ok with you.”

“Sure. Yeah, no, of course. Here, or—?”

“There’s a nice café two blocks down,” Jaehyun said. He had been waiting for half an hour, of course he had had the time to think about this. “Wanna take a walk?”

Younghoon nodded. He looked apprehensive, and Jaehyun thought he understood why. They weren’t sweeping the kiss and everything it entailed under the rug.

No, they were talking about it.

It was cold outside, so they huddled into their coats as they made the way out of the restaurant and onto the pavement. Jaehyun set them in the right direction, and off they went. 

It was quiet for a moment before Jaehyun said, “I have a question for you.”

Younghoon hummed, waiting.

“Why did you suggest the marriage pact when I broke up with Miyeon?”

“Honestly?”

“Honestly.”

Younghoon’s lips twisted up into a smile that was equal parts guilt and amusement, “I felt bad for you.”

“Oh, shut up.”

“I’m serious!” Younghoon laughed. “I felt so bad, I wanted to help. I thought that would help, anyway. It was supposed to motivate you to find someone before the deadline. At the very least, you would stop worrying about dying alone all time and focus on finding your actual soulmate.”

“Well, aren’t you a gentleman,” Jaehyun said, the teasing lilt in his tone making it clear there was no malice behind it. 

“I know,” Younghoon sighed dramatically. “I’m too good for this world.”

That earned him a playful shove from Jaehyun that made him laugh.

“So you weren’t actually expecting us to marry each other?”

The question sobered the conversation up again. Jaehyun studied Younghoon’s face as he thought about it. 

“I think a part of me had a bit of hope. But that was a really, really small part. So, no, to answer your question. I didn’t think we would go through with it in the end.”

They walked a few more steps in silence. Jaehyun knew his next question, but he let himself digest Younghoon’s answer first. The street was lined up with restaurants, bars, store fronts; the moon wasn’t visible but it didn’t matter, because everything around them was bathed in light, coming from all sides. 

“Did I scare you with that kiss?” Jaehyun finally asked.

Younghoon nodded. “A little.”

Jaehyun waited for him to elaborate. 

“It’s just—“ Younghoon frowned, looking down at the pavement then up at the sky for a second before trying again. “I don’t want to get hurt.”

“Why would you get hurt?”

This time, Younghoon didn’t answer. Jaehyun, watching his face, noticed Younghoon’s bottom lip jutting out in a pout; his frown never went away. That wasn’t worrying per se, but it was still enough of a cue that Jaehyun stopped them with a hand to Younghoon’s elbow and gently turned Younghoon towards him. They were standing in front of a record store, closed right now.

Jaehyun cupped his face, which only seemed to deepen his frown. 

“Hey,” he tried to get Younghoon to look at him, tried to meet his eyes. “Look at me? Please?”

Younghoon did. He looked scared. His big eyes were boring into Jaehyun’s nervously, almost as if afraid of what he’d see there. Jaehyun smiled, reassuring, caressing Younghoon’s cheek with his thumb.

“What are you so scared of?”

“You.”

“Me? Younghoonie, I’d never—“

“I know,” Younghoon interrupted him. “I know you’d never hurt me, not on purpose. But you’re so—You’re so you, Jaehyun. You don’t understand.” 

“You’re right, I don’t. Help me understand, please.”

Younghoon reached up to take Jaehyun’s hands in his, bringing them down and off his face. He held onto them, staring at their joined hands as he searched for the right words.

“When I suggested the pact, I didn’t think it mattered,” Younghoon said before locking eyes with him. “It made no difference, because you’re my best friend and I just wanted to help. It didn’t really mean anything more than that back then. But as time went by, I just—I don’t know. The idea just sounded more and more appealing to me. Yeah, I’d be fine with marrying you. I’d be more than fine, actually. I realized not too long ago that I wanted it to happen. Which is crazy.”

“Why? Why is it so crazy?”

“Because,” Younghoon let out a nervous chuckle, shrugging. “It wasn’t real. None of it was. We’d be married but not really together. And all I could think of when I realized that was that I was being the cliché of the guy who falls for his straight best friend.”

Jaehyun’s heart skipped a beat with the admission, but he didn’t address it just yet. “I’m not straight, though. Never was.”

“Yeah, well. I thought you were. And you’re just so you, Jaehyun. It’s like… You have this thing, this pull. The more I tried to distance myself, to think objectively about everything and not fall further in, the more I felt myself being drawn to you. If that makes sense?”

It didn’t, not really. Jaehyun didn’t think he was all that special, considering the kind of people Younghoon knew, the circles he walked in. But it felt pretty incredible to be seen like that—he couldn’t stop his smile now even if he tried.

“You make it so hard not to love you, it’s insane. Actually insane.”

“So, what? You just decided to continue on with the plan and keep all of that to yourself, forever?”

Younghoon nodded, well aware Jaehyun was teasing him, “Sort of. I’d take anything you’d give me.”

“That is such a dramatic thing to say.”

“You’re one to talk!”

Jaehyun laughed, happy to see Younghoon’s frown was giving way to a small smile, too, “Touché.”

“Why did you do it, anyway?”

“Do what?”

“Kiss me."

Younghoon’s voice was a little more guarded now. He was bracing himself for the answer, whatever it may be. But Jaehyun had a feeling he knew what he was about to hear.

“Because I wanted to. Same thing that happened to you, kinda,” he glanced at Younghoon’s lips. “I’ve come to realize you’re the only person I’d ever want to marry, ironically enough.”

He didn’t have to build up to a kiss, or ask for one, because Younghoon did it first. He caught Jaehyun’s lips in a desperate yet sweet kiss, and Jaehyun couldn’t help himself—he smiled into it, bringing Younghoon closer with a hand on the back of his neck. Much like the kiss in his apartment, it felt slightly impulsive, an unplanned thing that seemed to be making up for the words they didn’t quite know how to convey, but still breathtakingly perfect.

This time, when he parted his lips, Younghoon didn’t pull away.

“We’re gonna end up in some kid’s TikTok,” Jaehyun said after a minute, heart beating twice as fast when Younghoon laughed against his lips. 

“That would be funny.”

“And tragic. Also, I still have a question that should probably precede all the kissing.” 

“Yeah?” Younghoon didn’t sound as reticent as he did a few minutes before, but he was still watching Jaehyun’s face with a cautious half smile. “What is it?”

“You don’t do relationships.”

“I mean, I do. Just… not a lot.”

“Yeah, but—You either value being single more than you’re letting on, or you’re terrified of commiting to a relationship,” Jaehyun said. “Either way, how would that factor into this? Are we doing this? Because in my head this isn’t a one-time thing, just so you know. I’m clingy that way.”

Younghoon laughed again, and Jaehyun marveled at how it seemed to light up his whole face. He was a gorgeous man, and everyone knew that, including Jaehyun, but something about his smile just made him ten times prettier, somehow. It wasn’t exactly news to Jaehyun, but still. He couldn’t help but notice it, every single time. 

“I know that,” Younghoon said. “And I’m in, I don’t want this to be a one-time thing either. I did ask you to marry me. Twice.”

“You didn’t really mean it the first time, though.”

“But I did the second time,” Younghoon smirked. “And I mean it now, too, Jaehyun. I wanna be with you. You make me feel happy, and safe, and just—I don’t know. More myself. I get to be who I am with you, no pretense, no bullshit. And that gives me the courage to wish for… more? To want the things I never really thought were an option in the first place.”

Jaehyun was speechless. It was almost comically on brand for Younghoon to do something like that—to pour his heart out in such an unassuming way, no warnings, just straight-to-the-point, no-beating-around-the-bush honesty. 

He must’ve misunderstood Jaehyun’s open-mouthed stare, because he widened his eyes, suddenly worried.

“Too much?”

“No. That was perfect,” Jaehyun whispered. “And we can take things slow, too. There’s no rush.”

“Yeah.” Younghoon’s eyes contained all the stars in the sky, or so Jaehyun thought. “That’d be nice.” 

He kissed Younghoon, because how could he recover from all of that if not by kissing him until his lips were numb? 

Younghoon giggled, “What about the TikTok kids?”

“Oh, screw them.”

Being in a relationship with Younghoon, it turned out, wasn’t much different from being his friend, Jaehyun learned.

It was sweeter, of course, because Younghoon had a lot of romance in him for someone who had sidestepped relationships for so long. The new, carefully curated playlists on Jaehyun's phone were proof enough, if the constant small gifts and ever-present heart emojis weren't already. 

Their steadily growing relationship was also kinder on both of them. 

Jaehyun felt safe to take care of Younghoon with a little less subtlety than before. Now, when he stayed over and took Younghoon’s glasses off gently as Younghoon dozed off on the couch, still holding onto the papers he had been working on, Jaehyun didn’t feel like he was overstepping. When he brought takeout because he knew Younghoon hadn’t had a proper meal in days, swamped with work to remember what warm food was, he didn’t need to make it seem as if it wasn’t deliberate. He was happy to take care of Younghoon as much as he’d let him, and Younghoon seemed just as happy to let him.

And as promised, they took things slow. There was no name for what they were yet, and no one really knew about it for a while. It was a recalibration of their relationship that needed to happen between them and them only. Jaehyun knew this was important to Younghoon, but he learned it was also important to him, as he learned just how different it felt to be in a relationship with no rush to make it something else. 

There was no deadline, no looming thoughts of what if this doesn’t work out over his head. He was happy. They were happy.

That was all that really mattered.

Three months in, and Younghoon was the one to give it a name.

“Am I or am I not the best boyfriend in the world?” He said as soon as he reached Jaehyun in the crowded entrance of the city hall. He was panting slightly as he seemed to have jogged up the front steps to hand Jaehyun the jacket. “Hope I’m not too late, though.”

Jaehyun put the jacket on immediately. He had called Younghoon in a frenzy, having spilled coffee over his suit jacket, knowing Younghoon’s office was much closer than he was of his own home. He had maybe five minutes before he was needed for a meeting on the second floor, and it probably showed, with how anxious he felt. Still, he beamed at Younghoon as he buttoned up the jacket.

“Did you just call yourself my boyfriend?”

Caught, Younghoon played nonchalance, rolling his eyes as he helped fix the jacket on Jaehyun’s shoulders. “Maybe. Don’t you have a meeting to go to or something?”

“I do. And I will, thanks to my boyfriend, who also happens to be my hero.”

“Oh, shut up,” Younghoon’s ears were the faintest shade of pink. He was trying not to smile as he patted Jaehyun’s shoulders, giving him a once-over. “Go, you look good.”

“Thanks, baby. I owe you big time.”

“You don’t. Now go be brilliant.”

Jaehyun squeezed his hand before he started towards the elevators. He turned around one last time to mouth boyfriend? as exaggeratedly as he could afford without drawing attention to himself, making Younghoon laugh. 

Telling their friends was easier than Jaehyun thought it would be, too.

It felt right, to begin with, because Jaehyun liked to share good things with the people he cared about, and this relationship was one of the best things that had ever happened to him—or so that was what it felt like. It was also necessary, given that they had agreed to move in together in May, and Jaehyun had to give Haknyeon a heads up that he would be losing his roommate.

Moving in together during springtime was an irony that wasn’t lost on them. They had been aiming for a spring wedding before, after all.

Things really seemed to be falling into place. Instead of the pressure that Jaehyun would expect from what he had always considered such a big step, moving in together just made sense. He was spending more and more nights over at Younghoon’s, anyway. Just going home and knowing that he wouldn’t be sleeping alone was enough of a mood booster to make his days that tad bit better.

He found he was taking a liking to cooking, always enthusiastic about the idea of making them dinner when he wasn’t too tired from work. Younghoon found he enjoyed theater just as much as Jaehyun did, maybe even a little more with how much he seemed to love every production they had a chance to see together—even the not so good ones. They were growing into each other and with each other, and life had never tasted sweeter. 

“I’m thinking about quitting my job,” Younghoon said one night. 

Jaehyun’s hands stilled on his hair. Younghoon had his head on his lap, and he was still looking at the TV, like the words had just slipped from his thoughts and straight out of his lips. 

“Yeah?” Jaehyun encouraged him to continue, running his fingers through Younghoon’s hair again.

“Yeah. I just don’t think I’m cut out for it.” 

“Do you like it?” 

“My job?” Younghoon shook his head minutely as best as he could in his position. “I don’t. I thought I might start liking it at some point but I never did. It’s just wearing me out.”

“Then it’s not worth it,” Jaehyun agreed, in the gentlest of voices. “If you really decide to quit, I’ll support you.”

Younghoon turned on his back so he could look up at Jaehyun. He looked worried, and Jaehyun felt compelled to touch and ease the frown between Younghoon’s eyebrows, but he didn’t. He waited, knowing Younghoon wasn’t finished.

“My dad really wanted me to be a lawyer,” Younghoon said after a pause, voice barely above a whisper.

“And you are one.” 

“But if I stop practicing… I don’t know. I just don’t want to disappoint him.”

Jaehyun felt his chest tighten with an absurd amount of love and affection. Younghoon wasn’t just talking, this wasn’t a simple conversation. He was baring his soul to Jaehyun, sharing things he must’ve been thinking about for who knows how long now.

“You gave him what he wanted, baby,” Jaehyun said. “You gave years of your life to this profession, and you always gave it all you had. I know that because I was there the whole time, watching you work yourself to the bone. If it didn’t work, it’s fine. You’re allowed to choose something else, to put yourself and your happiness first. Your father would understand.”

“And your family?”

It was a bit of a non sequitur, so Jaehyun was confused for a second, “What about them?”

“Would they be fine with us if I wasn’t a lawyer anymore?”

Jaehyun was still a little confused until he remembered their conversation years before, when he joked that his Catholic family would be fine with their marriage because of Younghoon’s job. He smiled, leaning down to press a brief kiss to Younghoon’s forehead.

“Don’t worry about that. They love you. And more importantly, I love you. That’s all that matters.”

“I love you,” Younghoon echoed back. He sounded distracted, and Jaehyun knew he was still thinking about it; the decision he had to make, the consequences he would have to deal with, the weight of it all. So he wasn’t surprised when Younghoon added, “Maybe I’ll go back to school.”

“That would be exciting,” Jaehyun said. “Any idea what you’d be studying?”

“I’m thinking maybe theater. Or music.”

Jaehyun’s smile grew impossibly bigger. “That sounds fun. And I think it’d suit you.”

“You do?”

“I do. I really do.”

Jaehyun was really close to just melting into a puddle with how much he loved the gorgeous, sensitive, kindhearted man with his head currently on his lap. He also felt relieved, after years of watching that job eat away at Younghoon's soul, draining his energy seemingly without giving him much in return. Worried that he might get a little too sappy to his own liking, Jaehyun chose the route that felt most familiar to them: teasing.

“And if we think about it, the performing arts really are the best place for your ego.”

Younghoon looked shocked for a millisecond before he laughed and launched a tickling attack on Jaehyun in retaliation, who started laughing and squirming away. 

“Wait, but how did you know he was gonna propose?” Sangyeon asked.

They were over at Chanhee’s, having a drink and catching up. It was a little after Jaehyun’s 31st birthday, which meant chilly enough weather that they were happy to stay in on a Saturday after a tiring week, instead of going out and braving the cold wind and the packed bars. 

“I didn’t,” Jaehyun said.

“But you had the ring ready?”

Jaehyun smiled when Younghoon raised his hand to show off—again—the band almost identical to the one Jaehyun was wearing, except with a single rose gold line running through the middle of it. It matched Jaehyun’s ring perfectly while still looking like a different piece.

“I did. I had it made right after he gave me mine.”

“Which was a year ago,” Sangyeon was still trying to understand the timeline of their engagement. “But you didn’t give it to him then?”

“My god, they both had the rings ready but they were waiting for the right time!” Chanhee said, feigning annoyance. “It’s not rocket science, hyung.”

Jaehyun was sitting in an armchair, Younghoon on the carpeted floor with his back to it as he went through the snacks on the coffee table. Sangyeon was right next to him, his back to the couch where Chanhee and his new boyfriend sat with Haknyeon, while Changmin took the armchair opposite Jaehyun’s.

“And of course Younghoon hyung would propose with the same ring he proposed last year,” Changmin mused out loud. “Typical.”

“Romantic,” Younghoon corrected him.

“Exactly. You’re so cheesy it hurts.”

Younghoon threw a chip at him and missed the target spectacularly.

“I think it’s cute,” Chanhee’s boyfriend said. He had his arm over Chanhee’s shoulder on the couch. They looked good together, leaning against each other and seeming very comfortable that way. Jaehyun would feel better if he could remember the guy’s name, though. “Rings are the biggest way to show commitment. It just goes to show you both wanted this and were waiting for the other to be ready.”

“Literally,” Haknyeon said with a barely contained laugh. “That’s literally what they said, hyung.”

“Oh, was it? Sorry. I just think it’s cute.”

“Stop teasing my boyfriend,” Chanhee chided Haknyeon. “You were living with Jaehyun hyung and didn’t see any of this,” he gestured vaguely in Jaehyun and Younghoon’s direction. “You’re the worst at reading between the lines.”

“Oh, I read plenty of lines. Between and otherwise. It’s not my fault they’ve always acted like an old married couple, since the very beginning. I met them like that already.”

Younghoon looked up at Jaehyun, trying not to smile. “Were we really always like this?”

“I think we were,” Jaehyun said, sheepishly. “No point in denying at this point.”

“See? Cheesy,” Changmin said, making everyone laugh.

“So cheesy,” Chanhee agreed.

They leaned in for a high-five just as Jaehyun said, “Should I be worried that our best men think we’re too cheesy?”

“Oh, nothing to worry about. You’re gonna have the best wedding of the year,” Chanhee said. “I’ll make sure of that.”

“Hey, I’m getting married next year, too...” Sangyeon reminded them.

“We know, old man,” Haknyeon patted his shoulder sympathetically. “Don’t worry, your best men are on the job. We’ll out-bestman those two for sure.”

“I’d like to see you try,” Changmin said, grinning.

Sangyeon turned to Haknyeon, “You do realize the other best man working with you is the groom in that wedding, right?”

“Oh, you’re each other’s best men?” Chanhee’s boyfriend asked.

“Yeah, Jaehyun and Haknyeon are mine, Chanhee and Changmin are theirs,” Sangyeon explained, then paused. “Wait. Should I oust Jaehyun from best man duties?”

“What?” Jaehyun blinked in surprise as the room erupted in laughter again. “Hyung, no.”

“You have your own wedding to plan!”

“I can do both things!” Jaehyun argued.

Younghoon, who had been laughing with everyone and was still smiling, amused with their back-and-forth, looked up at him. He looked so happy. That was enough to make Jaehyun’s heart skip a beat, realization dawning on him that he was discussing his own wedding to Younghoon. His best friend, the person who had been with him through his best and his worst and who would be with him through the best and worst that were to come, too.

From a throwaway joke made years ago to the here and now, Jaehyun couldn’t quite believe how far they had come. 

Something in his face must’ve tipped Younghoon off to what he was thinking, because his smile grew fonder, softer. He ignored the noise of their friends talking all over each other, still discussing best men and wedding plans, and rested his cheek against Jaehyun’s knee, mouthing an I love you that was as clear as if he had said the words out loud.

Jaehyun mouthed I love you too, just in time for Changmin to throw a pillow at him, startling them out of their little world and almost knocking Jaehyun’s bottle of soju out of his hand. 

“Stop making eyes at each other and pay attention!” Changmin said. “Juyeon offered to help you guys with Sangyeon hyung’s wedding.”

“Sorry, Juyeon who?”

Between Younghoon’s and Haknyeon’s high-pitched laughing, Chanhee’s mouth falling open, and Juyeon (which, Jaehyun remembered now, was the name of Chanhee’s photographer boyfriend, sitting right there with them) raising his hand with a cheery smile, Jaehyun knew he had slipped.

“You broke him,” Changmin told Younghoon between laughs, wiping the tears of joy from his face before Jaehyun could begin to apologize. “I hope you’re happy. You broke Jaehyun hyung.”

“Oh, I’ve never been happier,” Younghoon said, looking up to meet Jaehyun’s eyes again.

And Jaehyun knew he meant every word. Including the teasing.