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Felix should have known this was a bad idea. What had he been thinking when he decided to spend Christmas with his parents? Nothing, probably. This was his first Christmas with his parents in two years and it was horrible.
It hadn’t always been like this, Christmas used to be fun and full of happiness. But not anymore. The first bad Christmas was when he had been seventeen, his parents’ relationship hadn’t been doing that well for months and Felix hated even thinking about the constant yelling their house had been full of. He had hoped Christmas would be better, maybe his parents would sort out their problems and they could be a happy family. It didn’t happen. The next year was slightly better, but only because his mom lived the better part of the year away. Felix’s grandfather had gotten ill and his mom had moved to take care of him. She didn’t come home often, and Felix wasn’t surprised, she probably enjoyed the little break away from the fighting. She moved back home in October and things were good, Felix even had hope, maybe everything would turn out better.
But things didn’t turn out better. In December the atmosphere in their house was tense again, his parents were back to fighting. Felix hated Christmas that year. He had to uncomfortably sit through his parents’ passive-aggressive comments towards each other during dinners and snarky remarks about the gifts they had gotten each other or Felix.
The arguing continued and Felix moved out when he was eighteen. He moved all the way to Seoul, South Korea, far away from his parents in Sydney. He didn’t have to visit them often, usually only during summer holidays and even then he rarely spent many nights at his childhood home. He preferred to stay with his boyfriend, Chan, and his family. He hadn’t been home, or even in Australia, for Christmas since he had been eighteen. But this year he had decided to come back. His mom had nearly begged him to come home for Christmas, saying how they missed him and wanted to spend the holidays with him. He regretted agreeing.
He flinched and wrapped his hands tighter around the pillow in his arms as more screaming could be heard from the living room. It was nearly ten at night and Felix had retreated to his room hours ago when the yelling had first started. He was absolutely terrified and his anxiety was through the roof, as it always was when he had to spend nights with his parents. At least, they usually toned down the fighting when he was in the same room, often even seeming to get along very well. They all pretended like Felix couldn’t hear every single word to his room.
He laid in his bed, on his side squeezing a pillow and trying to take calm breaths, not wanting the panic to take over. He had texted with Chan hours ago but didn’t want to bother him too much. It was Christmas Eve after all and he was spending time with his family, as he deserved.
Thinking about his childhood, in general, and the Christmases they had with his whole family, grandparents included, brought tears to his eyes. His childhood had been so happy, and he had no idea what had gone wrong. He couldn’t understand why his parents still insisted on living together and not getting a divorce when clearly, they were not doing well. Hadn’t been for years, for God’s sake.
A loud slap rang through the house and Felix felt like it echoed in his head. His heart dropped and a bigger lump formed in his throat, he couldn’t breathe. He didn’t know their fights were physical, he had never before heard them hit each other. But listening to their words, it wasn’t the first time.
It was the last straw for him. He couldn’t stay, he needed to leave.
He sat up and looked at the open suitcase on the floor, he could come back for it the next day, now he just needed the essentials. He started packing his backpack when his eyes fell on the wrapped presents on the floor. It felt like his heart broke as tears finally rolled down his cheeks. He had even gotten presents for his parents, hoping for a warm Christmas. But his hopes had been too high, this wasn’t going to be like one of those magical Christmases in his childhood. He furiously wiped the tears away and shoved everything in his backpack. He just needed to get to Chan and everything would be better.
He took a deep breath before opening the door and entering the hall. He hoped he could sneak out without his parents seeing, they wouldn’t notice his absence anyway. He closed his door behind him and cringed at the arguing in the living room.
He was nearly at the front door when his mom suddenly stormed out of the living room to the hallway. Felix froze but didn’t turn around, he could hear her behind him.
“Felix!” she screeched loudly, sounding surprised more than anything. He turned around to face her and smiled awkwardly. His heart was beating a mile a minute and hands trembling. He didn’t have time to say anything before his dad appeared from the living room as well.
“Where are you going?” he asked, a slight slur to his words. Only then Felix realized that both of his parents were clearly drunk, swaying on their feet with flushed faces. Felix felt highly uncomfortable and eyed the glass bottle his dad was holding.
“I’m going out, you don’t have to wait for me,” Felix said, trying to sound unaffected.
“No! Don’t go,” his mom said and his breath got stuck in his throat.
“I really have to go,” he said and took a step back towards the door, keeping his eyes on his parents.
His dad suddenly surged forward, nearly falling over, and grabbed the front of Felix’s shirt. Felix stumbled backwards and his back and head hitting the door painfully.
“You’re not leaving, you’re staying here!” he slurred, pressing Felix against the door harder. Felix’s whole body trembled as fear creeped into him, never before had either of his parents been abusive towards him. Adrenaline surged through him and he planted his palms on his father’s chest, pushing him back harshly. He landed on his mother, but Felix didn’t stay to see how the situation evolved. He ripped the door open and ran out.
“You son of a bitch!” came a loud yell and suddenly a bottle swished past his head, just nearly missing him. It smashed on the asphalt in front of him and Felix ran faster, needing to get away. His parents’ behavior scared him, he hadn’t seen them act like that towards him before, they were usually overly sweet with him, never angry.
-
He dialed Chan’s number as he kept running, glancing behind to make sure his parents weren’t following him. Tears were spilling down his cheeks and he had to stop to catch his breath, sobs wrecked him as he held the phone to his ear.
“Hi, Lix,” Chan answered. Felix could hear Chan’s family talking in the background and felt a little bad about interrupting them, especially knowing he was about to ruin the mood.
“Chan,” Felix said, sniffling.
“Felix?! What’s wrong?” Chan asked, clearly alarmed.
“I couldn’t stay, I n-needed to leave. C-can I please come stay at yours?” he stuttered, slowly walking forwards.
“Yes! Yes, of course. Are you okay? Did they… Did they hurt you?”
Chan knew about Felix’s parents’ bad relationship. Felix had been dating Chan for two years and had only recently opened up about his family, and his reluctance to stay with his parents. He had always come up with different excuses as to why he wasn’t able to stay with them for the holidays or much even during the summers. But after deciding to spend the Christmas with his parents, he had also decided to tell everything to Chan. He had felt like he’d need more support than usual, and Chan was the biggest support he could have. And he’d have a lot less explaining to do if he was faced with a situation he currently was.
“No… Well, not really? I’ll explain everything later, but I just need you now. Can you come pick me up? I d-don’t have a car,” Felix spoke. Chan lived a 15-minute car ride away and Felix wasn’t keen on making the journey on foot.
“Of course! Text me your location and stay put, I’ll be there soon.”
After sending his location to Chan he crouched and buried his face in his hands. His heart was still racing and his whole body was starting to tremble harshly. The tears had never stopped but now he really gave himself time to cry. He could only hope no one would see him cry on the side of the road in the middle of the night. Fortunately, there didn’t seem to be any people outside. It was late, and Christmas Eve after all.
-
It only took ten minutes until Chan parked the car next to Felix and jumped out, slamming the door shut behind him. Felix didn’t know if Chan had broken the speed limits on the way or if the traffic was so nonexistent that he was five minutes faster than usual.
Chan wrapped his arms around Felix and helped him up, which immediately made Felix feel better. Chan didn’t ask questions, just held his hand as they drove back to Chan’s. Felix was glad about the comforting silence, Christmas music playing quietly in the background. He was still very shaken and didn’t feel like talking, he needed to sort out his own thoughts first. But Chan’s hand in his grounded him and he could feel the anxiety easing a little, he didn’t have to stay in that horrible house anymore.
Chan only let go of his hand to get out of the car on his driveway and circle around to Felix’s door. Chan took his backpack and pulled him inside, only whispering a quiet “you’re okay,” when Felix squeezed his hand a little tighter. He felt anxious to meet Chan’s parents, he had met them multiple times before and he knew they were amazing people, but he looked like a mess and there would most likely be questions Felix couldn’t answer well.
Chan’s mom emerged from the living room, greeting them with a slight frown on her face. It only deepened when her eyes fell on Felix. He didn’t know what he looked like, but he could only assume it was bad. His face full of tears tracks, eyes swollen, probably red too, and hair sticking to every direction. On top of it all, he was only wearing his pajamas.
“Sorry to barge in like this, so late and all…” Felix said, his voice rough.
“It’s completely fine, you’re always welcome. Is everything okay?” she asked. Felix shook his head but didn’t know what to say. He looked at Chan, who was looking at him already. Fortunately, Chan’s dad interrupted them.
“Did Chan come back already?” he called from upstairs.
“Just arrived,” Chan called back.
“Do you want some tea?” his mom asked and turned to walk to the kitchen when Chan nodded.
“Is everything okay? You left in such a hurry,” Chan’s dad spoke as he walked down the stairs.
“I went to pick up Felix,” Chan answered and continued to ask about his siblings’ whereabouts. Felix greeted Chan’s dad when he finally emerged, and they all continued their way to the kitchen. Chan pulled a chair for Felix and sat next to him while his dad sat in front of them.
“Did something happen?” Chan’s dad asked, looking between Felix and Chan. Chan must have really sped out of the house since his parents seemed worried, they had probably heard Chan’s side of the phone call, too and Felix’s appearance definitely didn’t help.
“Felix… Uh,” Chan started but turned to look at Felix. He didn’t seem to know what to say, not wanting to spill anything Felix didn’t want them to know. Felix sighed and rubbed his face, his eyes were stinging from all the crying. He tried to think of what to say and his thoughts wandered. He thought back to the way his dad had been pressing him on the door, the way he had hit the door when his dad had fallen on him. He thought about the flying glass bottle. What if it had hit him? His breath hitched and he let his hands fall on his lap.
“My parents, uh… They were fighting. Yeah, that’s what they do… All the time,” he stumbled over the words. There had been questions before when he had stayed at Chan’s. Chan’s parents had been curious to know why Felix wasn’t staying with his parents or where they were. Felix had lied to them like he had to Chan.
“Oh. I’m sorry to hear that. You’re not hurt, are you?” Chan’s dad asked and Felix shook his head. He wasn’t, at least physically.
Felix was able to relax and calm down more as he sipped on the tea Chan’s mom handed him. Chan had taken Felix’s other hand and kept running his thumb over the back of his hand while chatting with his parents. The day had been long and exhausting for Felix and he was getting tired, yawning between the sips of tea.
“We should go to bed, it’s late,” Chan said and picked the tea mug from Felix’s hand, placing it on the table. Felix hadn’t even realized he had dozed off and was surprised he was even holding onto the mug anymore. Chan’s parents bid them good night as they left the room.
“I need to wash my face,” Felix said once they reached the upstairs, tugging on Chan’s hand.
“I’ll take your bag to my room, take your time,” Chan said and pressed a soft kiss on Felix’s forehead.
-
Chan looked up from the bed when Felix stepped in the room, he closed the door behind him and climbed next to Chan on the bed. He wrapped himself around Chan and sighed in content as he laid his head on Chan’s chest.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Chan asked, petting Felix’s head. Felix hesitated, he didn’t want to worry Chan even more and he was a little ashamed about how messy his family was. But on the other hand, he wanted to get it out as it would make him feel better and wouldn’t have to dwell on it alone. He thought for a while, until deciding to just tell.
“Yesterday was good, the fighting only started today. But it was the usual, lots of passive-aggressive remarks to each other when I was around and the yelling began instantly when I retreated to my room,” Felix started. Chan hummed, signaling that he was listening. His hand kept petting Felix’s head as he continued.
Felix recalled the days events, most of which only consisted of him lying in his bed. He told how anxious and panicked it made him feel to hear his parents fight constantly. He hesitated again when he came to the part where he finally left the house. He knew Chan would react badly when he heard Felix’s dad had borderline attacked him. Felix tightened his arms around Chan and told how he had realized his parents were drunk. Chan tensed under him when he finally said his dad had pushed him against the door.
“What!?” Chan hissed, Felix was anxious again but he continued. He mentioned the flying bottle and running away as fast as he could.
“That’s… I’m gonna kill them,” Chan grumbled.
“Chan!” Felix gasped.
“I’m just so angry at them for hurting you like that. It’s not okay to… To fucking hurt you.” Chan was fuming. Felix sat up, settling on his knees and looked at Chan.
“But I’m okay, I’m not hurt,” he said, taking Chan’s hand in his.
“Baby, I don’t only mean physically. It’s not good for you to be in that house, in that environment,” Chan said. Felix pursed his lips, Chan was right and Felix knew that. The toxic environment was why he had not been home often in the first place. Now he was even more terrified and didn’t know if he’d want to spend a night there ever again. He could do daily visits, right?
“I know…” he sighed and melted back onto Chan’s chest. “They’ve never been like… Directly abusive towards me and it was… Kinda… Very terrifying,” he mumbled.
“I can’t even imagine…” Chan said.
“I’m glad to be here with you now,” Felix said and lifted his head so he could see Chan’s face. He smiled, the first genuine smile that day, and kissed Chan on the lips once. Twice. And three times.
“I love you,” he whispered, and Chan smiled softly.
“I love you, too.”
-
The next morning Chan’s siblings woke them up early to open presents as it was Christmas Day. Chan showered him in kisses before they walked downstairs. Felix felt a little bad about not having any presents to give to anyone, he had bought them but they were still at his parents’. Taking the gifts with him hadn’t been a high priority for him the previous night. He received a gift from Chan’s family, though, and it made him even happier. The whole atmosphere in the house was joyful and warm, which Felix loved very much. He loved being at Chan’s because he always felt welcome and like he was part of the family, and everyone seemed to love each other a lot, too.
During the gift giving Chan had given Felix a small present, a cute case for his Bluetooth earphones and a silver bracelet. So, when they hours later went to Chan’s room to have a lunch nap, Felix wasn’t expecting another present.
Nonetheless, Felix laid on the bed watching Chan as he rummaged in his closet.
“Here!” he exclaimed and turned around, he was holding a small square gift. Felix frowned and sat up.
“What’s that?”
“Another present for you,” Chan said, smiling widely. He seemed a little unsure, though, when he sat next to Felix and handed the present to him.
“What…” Felix whispered and started carefully unwrapping the paper. It felt like a CD, but Felix couldn’t figure out what CD Chan would get him. He glanced at Chan before throwing the wrapping paper on the floor. He looked down at the CD and his heart jumped. The cover was a photo which Hyunjin, their photographer friend, had taken of them a few months back. The photo had been taken on Felix’s birthday, when their whole friend group had been celebrating. Felix had some whipped cream on his face, and he was laughing while Chan was looking at him with a fond smile on his face, as if Felix was his whole world. The title of the album was just:
To. Felix
Felix inhaled sharply, he already felt emotional. He turned the CD and there were five songs listed on the back.
“What is this?” he whispered and opened the case. On the right was the CD itself and on the left was a short message.
“About you.
For you.
I love you <3
- Your Chan”
“My Chan… I can’t believe you did this,” Felix said and Chan shrugged, he was blushing a little and Felix was endeared by it.
“I thought it would… I don’t know, convey my feelings for you? And it’s cute, I guess,” Chan said and Felix giggled.
“I love it so much!” he said and threw himself at Chan.
“You haven’t even listened to it yet,” Chan laughed and hugged him.
“I need to do that right now then!”
In the end, Felix ended up listening to the digital version of the CD since they didn’t actually have a CD-player within reach. Chan sent the whole CD to him as a file via email, but also asked if he could post it on his SoundCloud, to which Felix agreed. It was Chan’s music after all, Felix wasn’t one to tell him what he could or couldn’t do. But Chan explained how it felt so personal to them both he wasn’t comfortable posting it publicly without Felix’s consent.
And to no one’s surprise, Felix bawled his eyes out during the five songs. The songs were just so emotional, comforting and full of love, Felix couldn’t believe someone could feel that much love towards him. Chan was laughing at him, but Felix could see the tears in his eyes as well.
“Merry Christmas, baby,” Chan said to him and booped his nose, before leaning in and kissing him.
“Merry Christmas,” Felix beamed.