Work Text:
John woke up in the hospital, banged up and bandaged, and listened to his youngest son give him the rundown of what the doctors had said about Dean. He saw the fear in Sam’s eyes, the same fear that filled his own heart, but he also saw the determination. The absolute loyalty and love the boy had for his brother. He saw a strength there he had never recognized before. For the first time in a long time, he actually looked at Sam and, instead of seeing a boy with demon blood in him, a boy that could be a danger to Dean and the whole world, he saw his son.
He saw the nervous energy driving him to pace as he tried to reassure his father and himself that everything would be alright, that Dean would be alright. John saw Sam’s eyes dart around as his brain worked on ideas and plans to save his brother. The kid was always too smart for his own good.
Why did this all seem so familiar?
Suddenly, John was struck by a memory, a memory of a dream he had a few years ago. He had been sleeping in the Impala, just a short break on his way to meet up with his oldest, and had a beautiful, wonderful dream. He had been transported to the future and seen his boys, well, they were grown men actually, and they were living in some secret bunker with… Mary! His wife had been there! His sweet, beautiful Mary!
Why was he remembering this now? He tried to concentrate harder, to remember more. He wasn’t sure why he was doing this, when his oldest son was apparently dying and he should be thinking of how to save him, but he had a feeling this dream was important. He tuned out Sam’s rambling speech and closed his eyes, trying to visualize what had occurred.
He recalled suddenly appearing in a room filled with red light, and seeing two strange men there. He had gone with his finely tuned hunter instincts and jumped them, putting them down until he could figure out what was happening. He remembers how shocked he was to discover that these were his sons, grown up to be strong men he could be proud of. Men who told him of their lives and the strange, unbelievable, wondrous things they had done without him because he had…… he had died!
John’s eyes flew open as the memory fully emerged. It was like being hit by that truck all over again. Dean dying, the Yellow Eyed Demon, the Colt, the deal, it all came rushing back.
But it was just a dream. Wasn’t it?
But what if it wasn’t? He knew the world was stranger than anyoneguessed. There were things happening that he had never told his sons. Not even Dean.
What if that had been a glimpse of the future?
Without really thinking about it, he made a list of ingredients he would need, told a convenient lie, and sent Sam to get them and retrieve the Colt. He hadn’t made a decision yet, but he wanted to be ready for anything.
Now that he was alone, he seriously thought about his choices and how much faith he could put in a dream. No matter what Sam had said, he knew the chances of finding anyone who could help Dean in time were slim to none, heavy on the none.
But could he take the chance of leaving Sam’s fate and the fate of the world in the hands of a possible vision of a possible future? Could he believe that things would work out without him there? He knew he couldn’t tell his boys everything he had found out about the demon’s plans. They weren’t ready for that. So, could he take the chance that they would manage on their own?
Could he take the chance that he and Sam could manage on their own.
He knew that he and Sam had never seen eye to eye on, well, pretty much anything. Truth be told, he had never really understood his youngest son. Sam always seemed to want to complicate things that were so simple to John. He had to argue every decision his father made. Not like Dean. Dean knew the importance of following orders in a war. It was only Dean’s presence that had held them together for as long as it had. He couldn’t count the number of times his oldest had put himself in the middle of John and Sam, trying to keep the peace. He still remembered the day his youngest had left for college. He winced a tiny bit as he recalled the ultimatum he had given Sam. The fear he had felt at Sam being out from under his protection and his wary eye, where the demons could get him and twist him to their evil uses. He remembers the hurt in both his son’s eyes as Sam walked out that door. Things had never been quite the same between him and Dean after that. Oh, he was still a good hunter, a good soldier, but he had never had that look of complete trust and faith in his father that had been there before.
His boys had always been so close. He knew, though he hated to admit it, that Dean had raised Sammy, been more of a parent, than he had ever been to either of them. Somehow, Dean understood his brother on a level that John couldn’t begin to comprehend. He thought about what he knew of the hunts they had been on since Sammy left school. He felt a stab of pain at the reason for his son leaving, a connection with his own loss so many years ago. He regretted that he wasn’t there for Sam when it happened, but glad that Dean was.
Dean was always there for Sam.
He continued to ruminate about his dream. Picking what facts there were apart, trying to list the pros and cons of the plan it presented him until Sammy returned. Of course once he returned, there was another blow out fight because Singer couldn’t keep his big mouth shut and now his son was jumping to conclusions and throwing accusations at his father instead of just doing what he was told.
As the battle of wills hit its height, a glass flew off the table and they both stopped in their tracks. Sam stared at the glass, but John was looking at his son, wondering if this was some sign of the demon's plan taking hold. Or…. hadn’t future Sam said Dean’s spirit had been hanging around? Something about talking to him with a Ouija board of all things! Could this be proof of the reality of his dream?
Before either of them could say a word, there was a commotion out in the hall. John sent his son to check it out, but deep inside he knew his time was running out. He had to make a decision.
In the end, the choice was actually easy. What finally decided it for him was the blatant fact that he couldn’t let his oldest child die. Not if there was something he could do about it.
All the sacrifices that Dean had made for this family. Giving up his own childhood to take care of Sammy. All the times John had left them alone with too little money and too little thought for how Dean had to deal with providing for both boys. How often had his oldest denied himself things to insure his little brother had what he needed? He was struck by the dawning realization of not only how much Sam relied on Dean, but how much he himself had relied on his oldest son. He had rarely worried about the day to day necessities of his children because he knew Dean would handle it. The amount of responsibility he had pushed onto his shoulders at such a young age without thought was appalling to him now. The fact that the boy appeared to deal with it so smoothly, without complaint, was a tribute to Dean’s strength and loyalty.
It suddenly hit him how much of both boy’s childhood he had missed. All the school events he had failed to show up for, all the little hurdles of life they had learned and achieved without him noticing. All the things Dean had to figure out for himself before he could teach them to Sammy. And how much of their childhood they had missed because he had made them grow up too fast and refused to see what it was doing to them.
He owed Dean.
But even more than that, he realized that if anyone could save Sam, it was Dean. John had given up the right, the ability, to influence his youngest son when he had issued that ultimatum. It didn’t matter that a part of him was truly proud of what Sam had accomplished against all odds. It didn’t matter that he had run by Stanford as often as possible to check on him. Although he loved Sam and knew somewhere deep inside that his son loved him too, it was too late to really mend their relationship. If Dean was gone, it would only be a matter of time before he and Sammy butted heads to the point where his son would leave again. He knew that the days of him being able to control his youngest were long past.
But Sam wouldn’t leave Dean. And Dean would never leave Sam.
With that in mind, John, who had never had faith in much of anything, chose to have faith in that dream. He hoped, no, he KNEW, that Mary would understand and approve of John abandoning his mission to avenge her death in order to save their son. He just hoped she could forgive him for all the mistakes he had made and pain he had caused both their boys.
He made the deal.
As he walked into Dean’s hospital room afterwards and saw him alive and well, he breathed a sigh of relief. He smiled softly at his two boys, picturing the strong, capable men they had become in his dream. He had trained them as best he could and taught them all that they needed to get the job done. He had to trust in them.
But saying goodbye without them realizing it was hard.
After a few conciliatory words, he sent Sammy out to get him some coffee, knowing that his youngest was most likely to figure out what was happening, then he looked at Dean. What he saw made him proud and he tried to offer up an apology the best he could for how he had taken advantage of his first son’s giving heart. Acknowledging the fact that he had put too much on Dean. Made him grow up too fast. The look of confusion and disbelief on his oldest’s face at kind words coming from his father tore at John’s gut and brought tears to his eyes. Another way he had failed his children. But he had done the best that he could.
It was time to go.
There was one more thing he had to do.
No matter how sure he was that he was doing the right thing, no matter how much he wanted to believe that dream was a true vision, John just couldn’t let go of his doubts. Couldn’t help thinking “what if”. So he did what he had to in order to cover all the bases.
Just in case.
He leaned close to Dean’s ear and whispered, “This is important, son. If you can’t save Sam….you have to kill him.”
He turned away and walked out the door.