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Lan Zhan stuck to the walls of the apartment like glue. Bodies bustled around him moving to the rhythm of the music and under the influence of alcohol. Sequins and glitter glinted like stars in the dim light like little fireflies dancing about in his vision. The condensation on his full champagne glass wet his fingertips.
His eyes searched the crowded room until it met a streak of red and black on the other side. At first, he catches a glimpse of his long ponytail as it sways to the music, then the white of his smile, and then the sweet melody his laugh carried with it.
The sinking feeling in him only grows. It sat with him the moment Xichen told him Wei Ying would be at the party. Lan Zhan hadn't seen him in years, not after he left to work overseas.
Lan Zhan had been anxious for days. The small crush he developed as they grew up together changed over the years into a deep love and longing for his childhood friend. Then Wei Ying left and took a part of Lan Zhan with him. Now he was back and it took everything in Lan Zhan to try not to convince him to stay. He couldn't be that selfish, not when Wei Ying had an amazing job opportunity.
They kept in touch after he left.
Until they didn't.
It was radio silence for years and Lan Zhan’s heartfelt cracked, about to shatter into pieces. He didn't ask why he was being ignored; Lan Zhan couldn't stand to know why Wei Ying didn't want to talk to him anymore. He didn't want to confirm his fears that it had something to do with him.
He didn’t know he would be at Xichen’s annual New Years party until his brother brought it up a couple of days prior.
Xichen said Wei Ying was going to be back for a few days to visit his family, then he would be leaving again. The thought of Wei Ying getting back on a plane without knowing how Lan Zhan felt ate at him. He couldn't stop Wei Ying from leaving, he didn't think he was enough of a reason for him to stay.
But he needed closure. He needed to move on. Lan Zhan was no longer an important part of Wei Ying’s life like he once was, and their spontaneous lack of communication left him feeling empty inside. Lan Zhan wanted to keep Wei Ying here so badly, but he couldn't be the one to tie him down. He knew it. So he needed closure.
Before the party, he wrote down all the feelings he had kept to himself.
It was a heart-wrenching letter filled with his confession of love. It told of how he wanted Wei Ying to stay. How he wanted to be the reason Wei Ying would stay. That Wei Ying was a constant thought in his mind ever since he laid eyes on him.
Lan Zhan couldn't help himself from picturing the rest of his life with Wei Ying and back then he was in such denial of his feelings he couldn't let himself even go after what he wanted. Right now he was still scared, but at least he knew what he wanted.
He wanted Wei Ying to know how he felt and he wanted to finally let go. Because if he couldn't have Wei Ying he at least wanted him to know about his feelings before he left never to be heard from again. Maybe then his heart would know peace.
……………………………………….
Wei Ying danced along with Jiang Yanli and Wen Qing hoping it would distract him from the tall man on the other side of the room.
He was nervous.
He thought these feelings would go away long ago when he decided to cut off contact with Lan Zhan. Things had gotten so hard. He wanted to be home so bad, but he was under contract with his company and during his time abroad the feelings he had for Lan Zhan ate at him.
He felt terrible for harboring these emotions for his best friend. It wasn't fair to Lan Zhan. Lan Zhan didn't deserve a friend like this, one who loved him. Wei Ying felt even worse knowing that his feelings wouldn't be returned. This unrequited love hurt like a knife twisted into his heart.
He thought the distance would help put these stupid feelings to rest, but it only estranged their relationship.
So he cut it off without a word.
Things were fine for a while, but he never forgot. He never forgot how his heart seemed to sing whenever he was with Lan Zhan or how he felt complete when they were together.
The party had been in full swing before he noticed him and it felt like his heart froze over, all the feelings rushing back into him like ice water in a sinking ship. He stayed next to his sister and Wen Qing, but his eyes wandered now and then to where Lan Zhan stood on the opposite side of the room.
A sense of awkwardness seemed to hang in the air even as the music played and people danced and mingled.
Wei Ying cut things off without a word. How could he face Lan Zhan now? Did he want to?
He did.
He has thought of Lan Zhan every day since he got on the plane to leave. He remembered Lan Zhan’s goodbye vividly in his mind.
A hug at the terminal. A promise this wouldn't be goodbye forever.
At that moment Wei Ying meant to slip a confession he wrote prior into Lan Zhan’s pocket, but he chickened out, shoving it into his wallet instead after he boarded the plane. It's been years since and the letter is still there. It taunts him but he can't find it in him to throw it away. As much as it carries memories of how he wasn't brave enough to confess his feelings, it also reminded him of Lan Zhan.
When their eyes finally meet in the sea of black and shimmering gold Wei Ying’s throat feels tight.
Lan Zhan’s grip on his glass tightens a fraction.
They hold each other's gaze for what feels like an eternity until a couple of people pass in front of Wei Ying and when they are gone so is Lan Zhan.
Wei Ying walks away from where Jiang Yanli is talking animatedly with Wen Qing. He maneuvers through the crowd. The fear gets the best of him. Wei Ying was brave about a lot of things, but this...but Lan Zhan. It felt like all his bravery was sapped out of him.
It felt like years of yearning piled onto him like a ton of bricks and he was being suffocated by it. Sliding between drunk dancers and laughing people, he makes his way to the balcony.
He needed some fresh air.
The cold night bites at his warm skin but it doesn't calm the racing of his heart. Wei Ying stares out into the city, into the lights that speed past him. The faint music from inside is a dull roar in his ears. But the doors opening behind him are much louder. He turns around to see Lan Zhan standing in the doorway.
………………………………
Wei Ying’s name is soft on Lan Zhan’s lips like he has called it many times before. But it makes Wei Ying’s breathing stutter just a fraction. He hasn’t heard his name said by that voice in a long time. Wei Ying avoids the feelings that try to push to the surface, he tries to ignore all the hurt he inadvertently caused himself by leaving.
Instead of feeling anything he jokes. Because laughing was better than crying.
“Ah Lan Zhan, the party too loud for you too?” His eyes drift to the glass in Lan Zhan's hands. Quirking an eyebrow, he chuckles.
“I thought you didn't drink.”
“I don't.” He says and sets the glass downs on the small patio table in the area before he comes closer.
Xichen had suggested he drink something to calm his nerves earlier. He never relied on alcohol before and it seemed like he still couldn't even with the promise it would loosen him up. The glass was cradled in his hands most of the night, his lips never coming close to the rim.
“How have you been?” Lan Zhan says, taking a seat at a chair across from Wei Ying.
Guilt overcomes Wei Ying. Of course, Lan Zhan doesn't know how it's been for him overseas.
It's been rough.
There were high expectations put on him because he was brought over by the head of the company. Wei Ying was a valuable asset in his line of work. He could get a job anywhere he wanted, but he took this job because Lan Zhan encouraged him to do so. He said it would be a great opportunity. But as great of an opportunity, as it was, Wei Ying’s personality did not mesh well with his other co-workers and he spent his nights alone in a single apartment.
But Lan Zhan was the one who told him to live up to his potential. It sucked, but it wasn't unbearable even if all he wanted was to just stay here and to have a reason to stay.
“I’ve been great! Everyone I work with is nice and the pay is good. It's different from home though.” He said wistfully looking out into the city skyline.
A cold breeze blows across the balcony and causes some stray hairs to fly out of his ponytail. Lan Zhan resists the urge to sweep his hands across Wei Ying’s hair to smooth it back down.
Wei Ying looks back at him.
“How have you been Lan Zhan?”
He’s been terrible without Wei Ying here. But he can't say that, not yet anyway. The last thing he wants is to guilt-trip Wei Ying because he left.
Lan Zhan folds his hands in his lap.
“I’ve found a way to keep myself busy.”
Oh.
Wei Ying doesn't know what he was expecting. Maybe he had fooled himself into thinking that he’d get to hear Lan Zhan say how much he missed him. They were friends but not like that. It seemed like Lan Zhan was capable of living perfectly fine without him. Wei Ying had already convinced himself that this would happen when he cut things off but it still stung.
“It’s hard not knowing what's happening to you when you don't message me.” Lan Zhan continues.
“Ah. Sorry, Lan Zhan. I’ve just been so busy it's hard for me to keep in contact even with Yanli most weeks. I guess that should be one of my resolutions for the next year, to stay in contact with friends and family more.”
“Mmn.”
Lan Zhan couldn't help but feel a little lighter. Wei Ying still regarded him as a friend. Good. Maybe he could still salvage their relationship even as friends after he confesses.
“But really I’m doing fine! I like being in a different country, sometimes I get bored being in one place too long.”
“Is that why you haven't visited once since you left?”
It was a scathing comment and Lan Zhan didn't mean for it to come out that way.
“Ah, yea… But it's nice to visit every now and then. I grew up here. It's only natural I’d get a little homesick. Seeing a familiar face for once doesn't hurt either.”
“Mmn.”
“Hey, Lan Zhan?”
“What?”
“Do you remember, when we were kids when we used to go down by the creek and play?”
“You mean when you used to push me into the water? My uncle wouldn't consider it playing since I came home with wet and dirty clothes.”
And back then neither did he. Lan Zhan thought Wei Ying was a troublesome kid when they were little. But Wei Ying’s personality attracted him like a magnet. So even though his uncle would gripe about how he shouldn’t play with Wei Ying anymore, he would still find himself gravitating towards the boy.
“Lan Zhan don't tell me you've held a grudge against me all these years just for that! It was all in good fun. You were so serious even as a little kid, I couldn't help but stir up trouble just to get a rise out of you!” Wei Ying laughs and playfully pushes Lan Zhan’s shoulder.
“In any case, there's a creek similar to that one in the town I'm living in now. Although it's not as fun going down there without you. We are older, but I still think it would be fun even now.”
“...It would be nice to go back there.” Lan Zhan says.
“Ah! By the way, how is Apple? Is he doing ok?”
“You can come see him if you’d like.”
………………………………….
After the two make it back into the apartment and through the crowded living area, Lan Zhan leads Wei Ying into the back where his room is.
They enter his room and Lan Zhan flips the switch to illuminate it.
“You haven't changed a bit!”
Wei Ying marvels at how pristine and clutter-free Lan Zhan’s room is. Even growing up their rooms were opposites. But even though his room was usually cluttered with unfinished projects or clothes, Lan Zhan preferred to come over to his house for sleepovers than Wei Ying coming to his.
Those sleepovers come up often in Wei Ying’s thoughts. They had them often even into the end of high school. Most times they shared the same bed and now Wei Ying tries not to look back on that time with envy. But he does wish it would be that easy to crawl into bed with Lan Zhan again. Even if his intentions were far from platonic.
Wei Ying bounces over to the rabbit cage in the corner of the room.
“Apple!” he calls, crouching down to get a better look.
Inside he sees two rabbits, one black and one white, sleeping next to each other. The black one stirs awake and regards Wei Ying before getting up to come to the edge of the cage.
Lan Zhan opens up the enclosure and grabs Apple handing him to Wei Ying.
“Do you remember me, little guy?” He says, bringing Apple’s face to his so he can boop their noses together.
“He misses you.”
“If only I could take you with me…” Wei Ying sighs, “But at least you have Bichen to keep you company. Thank you for taking care of him, Lan Zhan. I don't think he could bear being apart from Bichen anyway. He’s gotten so big though! I remember when we first got you!” He says petting the top of Apple’s head.
“Mmn. You were adamant that I get a rabbit as well.”
“Don't say it like I was pulling your leg! Who was the one always looking in the pet store window when we were walking home from school?”
Lan Zhan can’t help but let out a light chuckle, one so quiet Wei Ying would have missed it if it weren't just the two of them in the quiet of his room.
“There it is!”
“What?”
“A smile. You’ve looked like a kicked puppy since you came out on the balcony.” Wei Ying pauses, “Are...are you alright Lan Zhan?”
For as long as they've known each other Wei Ying had gotten pretty good at reading Lan Zhan’s unreadable expression, but for the last thirty minutes he couldn't figure out the odd look Lan Zhan’s face held.
Lan Zhan took a deep breath and stuck his hands in his coat pockets. His fingers found his confession and his brain tried to find the words.
“Wei Ying. I have to tell you-”
Lan Xichen opens the door face flushed with Nie Mingjue at his side.
“Wangji! Come back to the party, the countdown is about to start!”
“Lan Huan. Calm down. They're having a moment.” Nie Mingjue says before he drags the other away from the door and back down the hall. Vaguely they can hear Lan Xichen say something about them but the music coming down the hall drowns out his slurred speech.
“Lan Zhan, we should get back.”
Wei Ying cuts him off before Lan Zhan can begin the heartfelt confession he has rehearsed. He swallows the hard lump in his throat as Wei Ying puts Apple away and grabs him by the hand to guide him out of his room. They make their way through the crowd coming to where most of the people stand with champagne-filled glasses in hand and confetti poppers. Wei Ying grabs two poppers and hands one to Lan Zhan.
“Here,” He says with a grin.
Lan Zhan eyes the time and sees it tick down to midnight. He had told himself he was going to confess by midnight, but he was losing time fast. People packed in tight into the small living area they were in, trying to huddle around where they had the clock on the tv. He opens his mouth to begin.
“Wei Ying, I-”
“10!”
“Wei Ying I lo-”
“9!”
“What!?” Wei Ying asks loudly.
“8!”
A couple of people push between them and Lan Zhan lets out a huff trying to get closer to Wei Ying.
“7!”
The two get smooshed together and Wei Ying gets pushed into Lan Zhan’s chest hard, jostling them both as more excited party-goers race to get poppers before the countdown ends.
“6!”
“Sorry, Lan Zhan!” Wei Ying says against his chest.
“5!”
“Wei Ying.”
“4!”
“Hold on Lan Zhan I can’t hear you!”
“3!”
Wei Ying cranes his neck up and so his ear is next to Lan Zhan’s lips.
“2!”
Lan Zhan can feel his heart beating out of his chest and steels his nerves.
“1!”
“Wei Ying, I need to tell you that I love-”
“HAPPY NEW YEAR!” the crowd screams, and Lan Zhan’s confession fades into the multitude of voices.
Confetti poppers go off all around them and cameras flash while the apartment is flooded with everyone's cheers. A rain of colored paper falls around them and Wei Ying pulls away to shoot off his popper. Wei Ying closes his eyes for a moment, his head tilted down slightly and then he looks up at Lan Zhan. A few pieces of confetti stick to his hair.
“Don’t forget to make your wish for the New Year Lan Zhan!”
Lan Zhan tries not to let it look like he’s disappointed.
“Mmn.”
So he closes his eyes and wishes for the only thing he wants.
‘I wish Wei Ying would stay.’
He opens them to still see Wei Ying looking up at him, but his expression is unreadable.
“What did you wish for?” Wei Ying asks.
“If I told you it won't come true.”
…………………………………………………
The silence after a party was always a welcomed thing, but Lan Zhan felt that the silence between them was deafening.
Wei Ying had offered to stay and help clean up afterward. Lan Zhan said it wasn't necessary until he saw Xichen stumble around their apartment still clinging onto Nie Mingjue. After fighting Xichen to go lay down in his room Lan Zhan took it upon himself to bid their guests farewell and then the two took to cleaning up the apartment.
Champagne bottles clank together as Wei Ying gathers them off tables and Lan Zhan picks up empty champagne flutes and plates. The glitter on the floor gets kicked around as they move about in the silence of the room.
“Lan Zhan, what are your plans for the New Year? Finally going to get a girlfriend?”
It was a joke Wei Ying has made for many years, but now it was at his own expense. Was it selfish of him to hope Lan Zhan says no like he does every time? Was he afraid to hear that he already had one? It took a while for Wei Ying to come to terms that he wanted to be the only one by Lan Zhan’s side. He didn't realize it until the words left his mouth that he didn't want to hear Lan Zhan’s answer.
When a couple of minutes pass without an answer Wei Ying doesn't ask a second time. Instead, he tries to bide his time by picking up the garbage and straightening up at an excruciatingly slow pace. Reluctant to leave so soon. Refusing to acknowledge that he had to leave at all. He wanted to stay in this moment with Lan Zhan. He wanted to imprint the shuffling of their feet across the hardwood floors kicking up confetti, glitter, and polaroid pictures. He wanted to be in Lan Zhan’s presence as long as he could before he had to walk out that door and not come back again for god knows how long.
“When do you leave?” comes Lan Zhan’s voice from behind him.
Wei Ying picks up some loose papers and pictures next to his feet to throw away.
“Tomorrow.”
There's a long beat of silence between them before Lan Zhan answers.
“I hope Wei Ying will have a safe trip back.”
“Yeah…” Wei Ying whispers out.
Absently he shuffles the papers in his hands as he searches for the words he wants to say but doesn't dare to speak. In the mess, he notices the faint scrawl of the characters of his name, and curiously he unfolds the paper, throwing the rest in the trash bag he’s holding.
Wei Ying’s name is on the paper, along with a multitude of other words addressed to him, written in the beautiful and clean script that could only be Lan Zhan’s.
From where he stands he reads it to the end. His eyes rake over it again and again making sure he wasn't seeing things. He kept coming back to the phrase that was repeated over and over all over the page.
Wei Ying, I love you.
I will always love you.
I love you.
And only you.
……………………………………………..
Lan Zhan finished straightening up his side of the room, leaving it as pristine as it was before their guests arrived. Checking the time he sees it's getting rather late and turns to Wei Ying to offer to drive him back to his Jiang Yanli’s apartment.
“Lan Zhan.”
Lan Zhan regards him. Wei Ying looks troubled, his brow furrowed. Lan Zhan notices the paper in his hands and recognizes it as one that was out of his own stationery set and a pit forms in his stomach. Shocked, he shoves a hand in his jacket pocket and finds his carefully written confession gone, and now in the hands of whom the confession was for. When it had fallen out of his pocket who could tell.
He pales, feels his blood run cold.
“Wei Ying I-”
Wei Ying holds up a hand to tell him to stop before he reaches into his pants pocket. He pulls out his wallet and opens it. A slip of paper appears between his fingers and he unfolds it.
“Lan Zhan, I know by the time you read this I will be on the plane already or halfway across the globe but either way this needed to be said now. I don't think I can bring myself to tell you to your face so please forgive me. Your friendship means the most to me than anything else in this world. But also, to me, it's not just a friendship. For a long time, it has been something different,” Wei Ying inhales deeply, his body trembling slightly as he tries not to get worked up. He continues.
“And for the longest time, I couldn't bring myself to accept it just like I avoided talking to you about it until now. But you are all I think about. You are all I want. And If I have to leave, then I want you to at least know that I love you, and only you…” Wei Ying tears his eyes away from the note in his hand and looks at Lan Zhan with a sad smile.
“I was going to slip this into your coat in the terminal when we hugged goodbye, but…I just couldn't.”
Lan Zhan's face becomes even more unreadable than ever as he moves closer to him.
“Lan Zhan,” Wei Ying's voice cracks and his eyes become glassy and wet, “I didn’t want to go!” He says and meets Lan Zhan in a crushing hug.
“I really didn't want to leave! I was afraid that if I stayed, our friendship would end up ruined because of the way that I felt! I was worried that if I kept talking to you while I was gone I would never get over you! But I don't think I would have ever gotten over you! Lan Zhan!”
Wei Ying buries his head in Lan Zhan’s chest hiding his tear-stained face.
“Me too, Lan Zhan. I love you too,” he says quietly.
Wei Ying is brought into a tight embrace and he can feel Lan Zhan trembling against him.
“Wei Ying!” Lan Zhan chokes out.
He pulls away and cradles Wei Ying’s face between his hands. His thumbs stroke where the tears streamed down Wei Ying’s cheeks and he can't stop himself from asking.
“Are you sure?”
Wei Ying’s lips quiver before he lets out a ‘yes’ and Lan Zhan lip’s meet his, quieting the way that they shake. Lan Zhan holds Wei Ying like he’s still afraid he’ll leave. Like this is one of the best dreams he’s ever had but soon he’ll wake up to the same emptiness he’s felt for years and no Wei Ying. Their lips move together desperately. Like this kiss, even though it was their first, might be their last.
“I didn't want to be selfish and keep you here.” Lan Zhan mumbles against his lips, tears collecting on his eyelashes.
“No, be selfish.” Wei Ying kissed him like it was the only thing he wanted.
“Say you want me here!” Wei Ying pleaded, kissing him more desperately than before.
“Tell me to stay!” Wei Ying kissed Lan Zhan again and again wishing nothing more than to just stay here with Lan Zhan forever.
“Stay...please.”
“Lan Zhan!”
……………………………….
Lan Zhan squeezed Wei Ying’s hand as he drove him back to Jiang Yanli’s. Ever since they hugged they refused to part. But the reality of the situation was that Wei Ying was still under contract with his current company, so he still had to board that plane in the morning.
But on the car ride back Wei Ying told him that in three months when his contract was up he would be on the first plane he could catch back home.
Back to Lan Zhan.
And this time he would never leave again.
The next morning Lan Zhan picked up Wei Ying to take him to the airport. He was greeted with a kiss. And this time when they said their goodbyes in the terminal they kissed, hugged, and then kissed again. Seeing Wei Ying board the plane still stung, but the sting was quelled knowing that he had Wei Ying’s love and his return home to look forward to.
A quiet sigh left him as he watched Wei Ying’s plane take off and he shoved his hands in his coat pocket. Something thin and smooth caught his attention in there and Lan Zhan pulled it out.
It was a polaroid picture from the night before that someone must’ve taken. On it was Wei Ying and Lan Zhan covered in confetti and at the bottom was a note from Wei Ying that said:
‘I Love You.’