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Crowley shouldn’t have come.
He'd sworn to himself that last year, the twentieth anniversary would be the final time, yet here he was again, standing on Westminster Bridge in the cold in the same spot at the same time waiting for a dream that never materialised.
He shivered and blew ineffectively on his hands trying to warm them, the cold this year seemed worse than usual, denser, more intrusive seeping into the very bones of him, a damp invader.
He wondered if it was the lack of people, whether the crowds of other years gone by had somehow sheltered him from the cold, the press of bodies warming him enough that he hadn’t noticed just how bitter the wind was as it swept up the Thames from the coast some thirty miles away.
It was all so different this year, everything was different this year.
The news, media and the scientists had begged the crowds to stay away from the city centre, to stay at home - the government went even further and created a new tier, the highest tier - tier 4 - for London and the South East only a matter of days ago effectively shutting the city down and cancelling all Christmas and New Year celebrations.
It had been a terrible year, one that nobody least of all Crowley could ever have envisioned the last time he had stood in this place searching the crowds for the one face that had haunted him since the turn of the century.
He could almost count on one hand the amount of times he had been outside the four walls of his flat since March when his section had closed their doors on government instructions telling everyone to work from home - nine months later he, and the majority of his colleagues still were.
For three months he hadn’t left his flat, he had his groceries delivered, ordered everything he needed for his plants online and just carried on the best he could.
It had become his new normal.
After a while he had ordered a home gym on the internet and had, for a few weeks embarked on an exercise regime that would shame the Marines, it now stood neglected in his spare room covered shirts that he couldn’t be bothered to iron while he spent all his spare time mindlessly watching Netflix reruns and YouTube videos or sleeping...Crowley could and often did sleep for days when the mood took him.
Come the summer restrictions began to be lifted and people started to go about their lives a bit more, the streets below his window were busier and the traffic noise had practically gotten back to the pre lockdown volume. Crowley then occasionally ventured out to walk in the park and even once when feeling particularly brave took his baby, his classic 1936 Derby Bentley out for a drive to one of his favourite nurseries in Essex to stock up on plants, fertiliser and a few extra pots for his small and already overfilled balcony.
Other than that he had been nowhere and had seen no one.
It had taken a global pandemic for Crowley to even notice he was completely alone in the world and only a few weeks of lockdown to realise that it was better to be alone then to be stuck with someone he wasn’t compatible with.
He hadn’t ever felt compatible with anyone really, not since he was twenty nine and then only for a few hours.
Crowley hadn’t minded that he couldn’t go anywhere for Christmas, he never did anyway, he had no family or not one that he wanted to spend time with and even less that wanted to spend time with him, and as of ten years ago no significant other either.
He had minded when they had cancelled the New Years Eve fireworks even though after everything it hadn’t come as a surprise.
New Years Eve historically had never really meant that much to Crowley, just a society driven expectation to be happy and forced excitement for the coming year when often in reality it was another year of the same daily drudge as the previous one.
When he was a child it was a treat to stay up late and watch Big Ben chime.
Later, in his teens and early twenties, well it was just another reason to go out and get pissed with whatever crowd he had fallen in with at the time.
Once, when he was twenty-nine it had been the best night of his life…
**
Crowley fell sideways at a sharp push from behind, heard the muttered curse as a heavy body collapsed against his back and felt almost without noticing as the hand he had been holding slipped away and disappeared into the crush of people that had packed themselves onto Westminster Bridge.
Well, that was that then, he knew he had no hope of finding the group he had come with now, they had been battling through a ridiculous amount of people since about five o’clock and had only just managed to get on to the bridge before the police had cordoned the area off. Now as the bodies of his fellow revellers crushed against him and pushed him against the parapet of the bridge he realised he was going no further.
He felt another shove but this time the curse was more refined “oh bother, oh I’m most terribly sorr…” another shove which was accompanied by a grab of hands against Crowley’s waist and a highly inappropriate clutch against a very personal part of his anatomy. This resulted in an alarmed squeak and withdrawal of said hands only to be replaced by a full body slam as the crowd surged again. In an attempt to save his ribs from being repeatedly smashed against the metal railings Crowley turned to steady whoever it was that was groping him in public.
He had been prepared to find a drunk, a daft teen in stupid shoes or an elderly person wanting to be a part of the celebrations however I’ll advised. What he hadn’t expected was a pair of gorgeous blue eyes glinting with annoyance, a soft kind looking face all topped off by a shock of riotous white blond curls very nearly contained under a woolly hat.
Crowley gasped as a flash of desire flooded through him, the man was beautiful, the most gorgeous man Crowley had ever set eyes on and for a second he just stared mesmerised before another crowd surge had the slightly shorter man pitching forward again and catching himself on Crowley’s biceps.
Instinctively Crowley wrapped his arms around the blonde man's waist and pulled him inwards protectively, a move that depending on how he looked at it was either a stupid mistake or the best thing that he had ever done as they were now pressed together from thigh to chest in a very intimate way the surrounding people taking advantage of even a few centimetres of additional space making it impossible for them to move.
“Oh I am sorry, again I mean” the blonde apologised and wriggled trying to push away but only succeeding in pressing himself closer. “Oh, now that didn’t work, maybe if I just…” he moved to the side and this time managed to align their groins perfectly. He sucked in a breath, blushing profusely and eyes going wide as he felt Crowley’s natural reaction to being pressed together so intimately with a wriggling man he found exceptionally attractive “oh my” the man sounded embarrassed but tellingly did not try and back away.
Crowley swallowed cheeks aflame, cleared his throat and tried to sound normal - he failed - “It’s ok angel” he squeaked - angel where the hell did that come from, although he was rather cherubic looking “no bother hardly your fault, far too many people in far too small a space” he recovered in equilibrium and grinned all teeth “besides I don't mind” he watching as the blonde blushed and widened his eyes further in shock before he moved his gaze over the man's shoulder trying to see someone looking for him “you lost your friends?” He cast his eyes over the crowds again “who are you with can you describe them? I might be able to see them if they haven’t been swept too far along.”
“Oh don’t trouble yourself my dear I’m not here with anyone one”
Crowley stared back into those blue eyes now twinkling up at him and made a decision “You could be if you like, I mean you could stay with me here” he shrugged aiming for nonchalant but missing by a mile, “only if you want to I mean...”
Crowley was treated to the most beaming smile he had ever seen, one he would literally do anything to see again and one that would continue to haunt his dreams for twenty-one years.
“Oh, that would be lovely, if you're sure I’m not keeping you from anyone” Crowley gave a fleeting thought to the crowd he had come with, a group he’d known since infant school and one that he had steadily grown apart from over the last few years. He gave an even more fleeting thought to the man, John, James, Jake, something beginning with J anyway, that they had set him up with and whose hand he had been holding for no better reason than not to become separated from everyone else - that idea had obviously worked really well!
“Nope no one of any importance” he winked “not now I’ve met you anyway” he was rewarded with another blush and the man wiggled, actually wiggled in his arms his smile dazzling.
Crowley was charmed, Crowley was enamoured.
Crowley was hard in his trousers.
Crowley was most definitely fucked!
**
Crowley leant on the ballestrade arms dangling over the edge fingers pointing down to the Thames it’s dark waters flowing beneath the bridge.
This year he hadn’t needed to make his way here early to secure his place - the same place he had stood every year since the Millennium. This year he was one of hundreds rather than hundreds of thousands of people who would usually descend on the capital to greet the new year.
He lifted his head and looked around, there were couples rather than groups this year and a few people simply wandering on their own all at a distance all keeping very much to themselves.
People who had dared to venture out into the city in the hope of seeing in a brighter 2021 and with a need to be a part of something bigger than their own four walls. Each keeping a sad distance from the other, faces half hidden behind colourful masks, only their eyes on show.
No one was taking any notice of Crowley hidden behind his own red and black mask and none of them were the dazzling blue eyed man he hoped to see, that he always hoped to see.
He sighed running his hands through the shoulder length waves his flaming red hair had become after nearly a year without a cut
This had to stop, he had to stop coming here every New Year...he had been telling himself it every year since he was thirty-two, maybe this year, the year in which he reached his half century he would manage it...he doubted it though.
Twenty-one years in search of a man who had, in only a few hours, ruined him for everyone else, who had shown him without trying, without even realising just what love was.
Every single time since when Crowley met someone he had compared his feelings to how he had felt when he met his angel and no one, not one had ever come close.
After a few years of sad unsatisfying one nightstands, lonely and desperate for human contact and tired of deflecting his colleagues matchmaking attempts Crowley had agreed to date a woman he worked with and was, in passing mildly attracted to, he hadn’t been with a woman since the millennium and believing that he couldn’t compare the two started a relationship.
He was wrong but convinced himself that he wasn’t and had continued a mutually unfulfilling relationship for five long years.
It was the final year they were together as she had demanded to be allowed to join him on his New Years Eve outing that he broke down and admitted everything. That he was in love with a dream, with a man he had known for only a few hours years before, a man whose full name he never knew yet whose face he carried with him every day, a man who had owned him body and soul since he was twenty-nine and one who he doubted would ever be out of his heart.
He admitted that everytime he was out regardless of where in the world he was and who he was with, he searched every face in every crowd hoping against all odds that he would find him again.
That he wasn’t out partying with old friends in some crazy yearly ritual as he had told her the first year they were together but that instead he made his way to Westminster Bridge to the third lamp post along from the embankment and stood alone with his back to the river and waited…waited for a man that never came.
Lilith had looked at him with pity, shook her head in derision and went and proceeded to pack up the few belongings she had left in his flat, neither of them had ever cared enough to suggest moving in together. Crowley had never seen or heard from her since and hadn’t missed her at all.
Crowley had felt awful, he didn’t think she had been particularly heartbroken but even so it can’t have been easy for her to have realised that she had wasted years of her life on a man for whom she would never be enough.
Crowley had been alone ever since.
**
Crowley maneuvered the other man so he was standing in front of him and caged him in with his arms. Despite only a few inches between their heights and even though Crowley was the slighter in build the blonde was having trouble staying upright in the frantic push and pull of the crowds.
After a bit of wiggling Crowley made himself comfortable and in a rare display of boldness wrapped his arms around the others waist and rested his chin on the man's shoulder.
“This alright angel?” A bit late but Crowley finally realised that manhandling a complete stranger and then wrapping himself around him like some kind of serpent without any kind of consent was not really okay.
The man nodded and twisted his head so they were face to face. Crowley swallowed hard realising just how close they were and wanting nothing more than to close the scant distance and capture his perfect rose bud lips...he mentally shut his train of thought down. Christ on a cracker he was a grown adult he should be able to control himself and keep his thoughts in check. “Yes my dear this is fine” he lowered his eyes before flicking his gaze back up again to meet Crowley’s “this is more than just fine, it’s quite tickety-boo...and the name is Azi - but I do like angel”
A warmth he’d never felt before filled Crowley as chuckled at the old fashioned response but after taking in the less than fashionable clothing choices by way of a huge tartan padded coat and the giant home knitted pale blue scarf wound several times round his neck with a matching bobble hat that had been pulled down securely to cover his ears but now what with all the pushing and shoving was barely holding on to the top of his head, he realised that he was dealing with a gorgeous man out of time. And Crowley who prided himself on always being the first in line for the latest fashion trend couldn’t have cared less.
He pulled him a bit closer and murmured directly into the man's ear “I'm Crowley and I’m glad, very glad to hear all of that angel.” The full body shiver that ran through the blonde at his words had Crowley grinning stupidly as he rested his cheek against the chilled blond curls poking out from the bottom of his hat.
They spent the next few hours as they waited to welcome in the year 2000 chatting about everything and anything.
They spoke in hushed voices confessing similar experiences being young queer men in the nineties and how hard it was to be themselves working in organisations that moved with the times at a pace slower than a snail.
Azi explained how he had spent the last eleven years in Cambridge. Initially as a student then following his degree in ancient literature and more recently in library sciences and after that still revelling in the freedom of being away from home and his less than accepting family took a job as a librarian. He practically bounced with excitement as he explained that as of the coming summer he was moving to London to take up a research position “It’s the reason I’m here tonight actually I thought I’d see in the new millennium in what is going to be my new home” he looked around with a frown “I didn’t quite realise the amount of people that would have the same idea”. Crowley chuckled at this man's naivety and pulled him closer still - for twenty one years Crowley would curse the fact that he failed to ask more about where this job was located even which part of the city he was moving to anything that would have made tracking him down easier.
In return Crowley told this adorable angel things he had never told another living soul. His dreams, his fears, the things that kept him awake at night and the small things that made him smile.
How he hated his job as a fund manager but loved how the financial benefits allowed him to live in central London and chase his passions, his vintage car, his rare plants and his love of astronomy and stargazing.
Azi tipped his head back against Crowley’s chest and stared up at the orange tinted sky, the light pollution preventing the sight of anything remotely celestial. “I can’t remember the last time I really saw the stars, you forget, living in a city even one as rural in comparison as Cambridge, that they even exist sometimes.”
He smiled a wistful expression flashing through his eyes “I’d love to go somewhere, a dark place and watch them unfold above me” Azi twisted in Crowley’s embrace until they were again face to face and placed his hands on Crowley’s chest fingers splayed covering as much space as he possibly could. “Will you take me, sometime, maybe never, but let’s say you’ll take me to see the stars, take me to watch them appear one by one until there are too many to count too many to see. We could lay together on a blanket and you could tell me the stories of the heavens”
Crowley nodded momentarily struck dumb at the look his Azi’s eyes. Crowley would give him the stars and anything and everything he wanted if he was only allowed to spend the next six thousand years simply looking into this man's eyes.
He realised then that in the short space of time they had been together Crowley had fallen in love. He’d fallen in love with this absolute angel of a man and would do anything to spend the rest of his life worshipping the ground he walked on.
“I promise angel. Azi I’ll take you to see the stars, I’ll take you anywhere, anywhere you wanna go. We could…” he shrugged “I don’t know take a picnic make a day, a night of it...just us”
Azi beamed, raised himself up on tiptoe and there underneath the canopy of electric street lights and artificial Christmas lights masquerading as stars pressed his lips against Crowley’s and for the first time in his life Crowley realised what all the fuss was about.
Up until that moment Crowley had always treated kissing as a prelude to sex, a necessity, a box to be ticked before getting laid. Until Azi kissed him then he realised that he could go his whole life with nothing but this and be happier and more satisfied then he had ever been before.
He leaned into the kiss, captured Azi’s full bottom lip between his teeth and sucked gently relishing in the full body shudder he received in return. He pulled Azi in close gripping his hip with one hand the other running up his back over the padded coat frustratingly stopping him from feeling the heat of his skin, until he was able to bury his fingers into his hair, angle his head and deepen the kiss with a groan pulled from his very soul.
Neither noticed Big Ben strike midnight, neither heard the cheers or saw the fireworks but both were in no doubt that the millennium was the best New Year’s Eve they had ever had and both secretly hoped that the coming decades would be spent together.
**
It was 11:30 and Crowley knew that this year was to be yet another disappointment as he knew it was going to be since he had set off from his Mayfair flat. The same flat he had been living in since he was twenty-eight bought the year before the millennium in celebration of a promotion long since forgotten and for a ridiculous amount of money.
He had managed to hold on to both it and his job through market crashes and global recessions and now he could add global pandemics to his list. Well at least for the moment anyway, no one could predict the future at the moment and the markets were up and down with little warning. Still with a new US president, a vaccination and now with a Brexit deal in Europe things were starting to stabilise, there was a much longed for small glimmer of light on an otherwise dark horizon.
He was still happy in his home, which was just as well as he would never have dared move as once during their conversation he had mentioned to Azi that he lived in Mayfair and had received a ‘good to know’ in response.
Crowley turned towards home suddenly not wanting to be out anymore on this strange and surreal night where nothing was as it should be and people were too afraid to even wish a stranger happy new year in case they took the wrong idea and got too close.
Crowley didn’t want to be a sad, single, middle aged man amongst even a few isolated couples, every pair that he saw walking together bundled up against the cold reminded him that he was alone. He lived alone, worked - when he had been allowed to go into the office - in an office alone and if he went out he dined alone and drunk alone.
The few friends he had in his twenties had drifted away their lives heading in different directions and now became names on Christmas cards linked to other names that he had never met and were unlikely now to ever know.
His colleagues, he had nothing in common with besides the ability to make other people money they were either his age and planning for retirement with their families or young eager university graduates all confidence and designer suits, with whom he would have struggled to identify with when he had been their age, now, well now he was just the obstacle that stood in their way of promotion and the spacious corner office. All they wanted was for him to retire so they could battle it out for his job.
He had no interest in hooking up with anyone. The mere thought of going out ‘on the pull’ filled him with dread and online dating apps just made him sad. The reality was that if he couldn’t have the one he wanted then he didn’t want a substitute.
He shuddered as tried not to think about spending the rest of his life alone.
He wondered how different his life would have been had he not ventured out on millennium eve, if he had instead gone to one of the many parties he had received invites to, if he had not honoured his teenage pact to see in the new century in London, at the time it was going to be dancing in the Trafalgar Square fountain, up until then the sole focus of New Year’s Eve celebrations, it was only once the millennium committee took hold of it that the focus shifted to the embankment and fireworks - it had stayed that way ever since.
Maybe he would be happily married with kids or dogs or both. In reality he would probably be divorced thus leaving him in exactly the same position as he was now but a lot poorer with a lot less freedom and instead of planning early retirement he would be faced with working until he was seventy then dying of exhaustion a month later.
Either way he would be alone and probably miserable. The only way he would have been happy, and he had over the last two decades totally convinced himself of this, was if he hadn’t been such an idiot and lost Azi’s number.
He blinked rapidly as he felt the familiar tears well up as he thought of his sheer stupidity and took his first steps away from the bridge. His vision blurred and he acknowledged that for his own sanity this had to be the final time he did this. Next year he would be retired, would be free of any and all commitments and regardless of the ‘global situation’ and his own fears he would finally travel somewhere and watch the stars come out whether it be Northumberland or Norway and he would be happy.
For tonight however he would let himself mourn his dream.
Blinded by tears he didn’t see the man in front of him until he called his name.
**
It was the sudden swell of the crowds surrounding them that finally pulled Crowley and Azi apart, they giggled together realising that they had been so absorbed in each other that they had completely missed the turn of the century and the much anticipated fireworks, and now the crowds were pushing them towards the entrance of the bridge everyone else presumably eager to begin the arduous journey back to one of only a few mainline and tube stations that had remained open.
Not having the faintest idea of how Azi intended on getting home but fully aware that all he had to do was make his way across the park Crowley made the decision to accompany the blonde to whichever station he needed to go to. This also ensured he spent as much time with the man as possible so a win all round.
Crowley dragged a very willing Azi in front of him and kept the tightest grip possible on his hand as they joined the painstakingly slow shuffle of people making their way along the embankment.
Finally the crowds eased somewhat and they were able to walk more freely side by side, hands still clasped together towards Liverpool Street Station where Azi would be able to catch a train back to Cambridge.
They didn’t stop talking or rather Azi didn’t stop talking, Crowley not one of the worlds greatest conversationalists was just happy to listen . He spoke with such enthusiasm and joy about everything he experienced that day before coming across Crowley on the bridge. He told him all about how he had spent the day exploring the West End, noting the theatres and restaurants he wanted to visit. The museums and galleries, wine bars and bakeries and bookshops that he hoped would live up to his high expectations. How he hoped that one day he would realise his dream of owning his very own bookshop on a busy street corner in a diverse part of the city. He loved people, almost he grinned as he told the story, as much as books and food and wanted to spend his life surrounded by all three.
Crowley simply smiled back, a stupid soppy grin, completely enchanted by everything that came out of the other man's mouth fully content to listen to him ramble for as long as he had things to talk about.
Eventually they came to a standstill as the crowds converged and blocked every street leading to the only open station entrance. Crowley swung himself up one handed on a lamppost landing surefooted on the top of a dustbin and took in the crush ahead. “Don’t think we’re getting any further angel” he said as he hopped back down, Azi immediately encircled his waist, steadying his descent. “It’s completely blocked. I can see the steps to the station, they’re being monitored by the police,” Crowley shrugged “safer I s’pose. Gonna be a bit of a wait.” Crowley moved out of the other man's arms but only so he could wrap his own around him from behind protectively as they began shuffling forward.
Azi covered Crowley’s hands with his own and tugged him into a darkened shop doorway “My dear you can’t wait here with me this might take hours…” he held up his hand forestalling Crowley’s objections “not only that but once we get to the station they might not let you in without a ticket or out again, and even if they do you will never get back through this lot.” He smiled sweetly “ honestly I’ll be fine on my own”
Reluctantly Crowley had to agree that as much as he wanted to stay with him Azi was right,besides it was already two in the morning and he had the best part of an hour and a half walk home.
He cupped his hands round Azi’s face thumbs rubbing absently over his cheek bones “I don’t want this to end here please…” he lowered his head and brushed Azi’s lips with his own, once, twice a third time before pulling away leaving just enough room for air to pass between them “please angel, say you want the same, that you want to see me again?”
Azi tangled his hands in Crowley’s hair and dragged him into a searing kiss, all wet heat and entwined tongues. Gasping Crowley backed him into the shop door one hand tight against his neck the other desperately working at the poppers and zips on Azi’s enormous padded coat until finally he was able to get his hand inside.
Groaning he encircled the man's waist and pulled them flush together and wiggled until one leg was situated in between both of Azi’s. Azi immediately thrust is hips forward, grinding down on Crowley’s leg causing him to moan wantonly.
Dear God, Crowley was hard, harder than he could ever remember being and from little more than a kiss, he swept his tongue across the other man's lips swallowing his increasingly loud moans and repeatedly rubbed himself against his thigh as he moved his hands to the other man's belt.
Crowley was lost, out of control, he wanted more, it felt good, it felt so good. A fire ran down his spine and heat built almost unbearingly in his groin causing him to buck harder against Azi but with a final coherent thought Crowley ripped himself away from the other man and threw himself against the shop window causing it to rattle loudly in its frame, he palmed himself through his jeans and fought desperately for some semblance of control.
Raising his eyes he met Azi’s taking some comfort from the panting half doubled over man he had been a breath away from unclothing in a shop doorway while hundreds of people stood only meters away.
They had been so fortunate that they hadn’t been seen, times may be changing but if the wrong person had seen them they would either be starting the year with a black eye, a public indecency charge or both.
“Hell Azi, I’m sorry I’m really sorry I was only gonna…” what could he say. He took in the blonde's disheveled appearance, kiss swollen lips and blown lust hazed eyes and realised that against all odds the other man really did want Crowley as much as Crowley wanted him.
In hindsight Crowley was now kicking himself for not offering him a bed for the night, he swore under his breath, they had been twenty minutes from his flat when they were kissing on the bridge, they could right now be dozing blissed out in each other's arms rather than snogging in a shop doorway like teenagers.
“Oh my dear don’t apologise” he smiled shyly “other than the location” he gestured to a couple of dubious looking carrier bags and an abandoned stained sleeping bag, and grinned at the look of horror on Crowley’s face as he took in their surroundings “it was perfect, you were perfect and I really really don’t want us to end here either.”
Crowley could feel, actually feel the joy seeping out of him at Azi’s words, could feel himself soar, he wouldn’t have been surprised if he sprouted wings from his back and took off for a lap of the planet so happy he was at the implication that they would see each other again and that this wouldn’t be the last time he felt this way.
If Crowley was honest with himself he knew he never wanted to give up this beautiful man and wanted to be with him forever.
Now though he needed to be practical, he patted his pockets and searched through his coat before he remembered that he hadn’t bothered to bring his mobile with him, there hadn’t seemed much point he was one of the only people he knew outside work who had one and there hadn’t seemed much point in carrying it with him it wasn’t as if it did anything else that was useful. He cursed himself now though, he couldn’t even remember his number. “Don’t suppose you have a mobile with you angel.?”
Azi shook his head “I’ve never seen the point in having one. I’ve got a home number, but it will only be current until I move.”
“Angel I plan on calling you before the end of the summer, Hell if I manage to wait until this evening to ring you it will be a bloody miracle” he was now searching through his pockets for a pen and a scrap of paper but again came up blank.
Azi realising what he was looking for produced a pen with a flourish and a frown “I’ve nothing to write on though”
Crowley held out his hand palm up “here...not quite across my heart but the sentiment is the same” he shivered remnants of desire still coursing through him as Azi took hold of his hand and carefully wrote down his number whispering the digits under his breath as he did so. He finished with a heart, raised it to his lips, met Crowley’s eyes and placed a careful kiss on the skin.
“I lo…” Crowley stopped himself just in time. The last thing he wanted was to scare the man he’d only met some five hours previously by declaring undying love but it didn’t seem to matter as Azi moved slowly back into the crowd not letting go of his fingers until the very last second
“Bye Crowley” he hesitated “l lo...too” he finally let go as he merged in with everyone else.
Heart in his mouth Crowley stepped out and watched until the curly blond head became part of the crowd and disappeared from sight.
With a whoop of pure joy Crowley leapt into the air and spun himself around dancing back into the street completely forgetting that it was full of new year revellers and slammed straight into a group sharing a bottle of cheap cider and watched in dismay as the over sweet apple smelling fizz soaked the bottom of his coat and ran coldly down the front of his jeans.
The group laughing uproariously carried on their way leaving Crowley dripping in the street.
Chuckling ruefully determined that nothing was going to spoil the night he brushed off the worst of it. He dried his hands off on the back of his jeans and took two steps forward before realising what he had done.
Time slowed almost to a stop as he brought his hands back round to see a blue smudge across his palm where Azi’s number should have been.
He spun again this time in a panic and tried to make his way back towards the station but there was no way he was getting through.
He leapt back up on to the bin screamed out Azi’s name and raked his eyes over the many heads looking in vain for the one person he needed to see but it was no use... Azi was gone.
It would be seven thousand six hundred and sixty five days before he would see him again.
**
“Crowley?” The figure started to move closer, caught himself and remained a safe two meters away. “Crowley is that really you”
Crowley blinked rapidly and when that wasn’t enough to dispel the tears scrubbed at his eyes with the palms of his hand until he could make out the well padded figure in front of him in a tartan mask.
Older, a bit stockier and with creases at the corners of his brilliant blue eyes it was nevertheless the man he had spent half a lifetime waiting to see again.
“A...Azi” he stuttered, voice breaking and fresh tears pooling in his eyes “Azi is it really you?” His hands reached out of their own accord stretching out blindly wanting nothing more than to touch but realising it was not only wildly inappropriate but not considered safe either shoved them into the pockets of his ridiculously tight jeans. “What...what are you doing here?”
“Oh I come here most years” his voice was wistful as he looked around “can’t ever get on the bridge though I suppose I always leave it a bit too late, I usually wait down there” he gestured to the embankment towards Big Ben “then walk back across the park” his shoulders lifted in a half shrug “not really sure why I came tonight haven’t been out the flat for months and after last year I told myself not to bother again.”
“Azi” Crowley incapable of saying anything meaningful, started as the other man laughed.
“You are the only person to ever call me that”
“What?”
“Azi” he moved to stand alongside Crowley and lent against the side of the bridge, still maintaining a safe distance but removing his mask, Crowley did the same figuring that they were outside and a safe distance apart. “my full name is Aziraphale I only ever used Azi with you” he smiled sadly “it seemed less than prudent to give a complete stranger my full name then afterwards when we became” he waved his hand in the air and colour appeared on his cheeks “somewhat less than complete strangers...well I liked the way it sounded when you said it so I didn’t correct you” he sighed “I thought we could laugh about it later but you never called. Why…” his voice broke on what could have been a sob but he hid it behind a cough “why didn’t you call, did I do something wrong I've always wondered, was I too forward, did I go too fast for you Crowley?”
“Oh angel, angel no you did nothing wrong I...oh god angel you were perfect, I was an idiot”
“That’s okay Crowley I understand New Year’s Eve is an emotional time that makes us promise all sorts of things we regret” Aziraphale began to push away from the parapet and in lieu of being able to reach out physically to stop him Crowley slammed his hand down on the bridge.
“NO” he angrily slammed his hand down again and Aziraphale jumped “No no no no no...not again you don’t get to disappear again it’s taken me more that two decades to find you, your not, you can’t, please...Ngk” he deflated all the anger draining away “please don’t leave me again”
As Aziraphale leant back against the bridge Crowley explained what happened all those years ago. Explained how in the following weeks he’d traveled to Cambridge and visited every library he could find and asked everyone he met if they knew an Azi. How he’d haunted Liverpool Street Station through the beginning of the summer drinking endless cups of coffee waiting for a Cambridge train hoping that Azi would be on it. Hoping beyond hope that he’d find him. How in the intervening years he’d wandered aimlessly around London checking out restaurants and galleries, museums and bookshops looking for a head of blond curls and how after everything else had failed returned to Westminster bridge a year after year in the hope that he’d be there that the memories would somehow compel him to return.
How he had spent the last twenty one years cursing himself for not getting his surname or anything he could have used to trace the man he had spent a single night falling in love with.
By the end Crowley was openly crying tears streaming down his face “I fell in love with you Azi and I have loved you every day since...why didn’t you come find me you knew I lived in Mayfair, that I worked at the stock exchange, why Azi, why didn’t you look for me?”
“Oh Crowley my darling Crowley...I thought you dumped me that you regretted everything you were supposed to call I couldn’t have known all that happened...how could I have done” by now his tears had started to fall running down his cheeks in rivers and he tried in vain to sweep them away “I wanted to find you I really did, I walked for hours around Mayfair around the city hoping I might run into you by accident. He swiped at his eyes again “you weren’t the only one to come back here” he sniffed “I came back almost every year but I couldn’t get on the bridge some years I couldn’t even get onto the embankment. I had to miss a few years I was knocked down and badly twisted my wrist I was a bit scared of the crowds after that - I was never that steady on my feet” he flashed his eyes to Crowley “we wouldn’t have met if I had been” He smiled ruefully and looked around them “I’m still not quite sure why I came tonight” he lowered his eyes “I’m glad I did though.”
Crowley wiped his eyes “Azi...oh should I not call you that now?”
Aziraphale shook his head “no I mean yes please” he giggled adorably “I mean call me Azi you always did” he paused “and you always do when I dream of you”
“Ngk...you dream about me... still?”
“Of course, you’re the only one I’ve ever wanted the only man I...I’ve ever loved why wouldn’t I dream of you”
Crowley felt his mouth drop open Azi said it so simply so matter of fact and Crowley knew then and there exactly what he was going to do there was absolutely nothing he wanted more than this man “Azi I need to ask you some serious questions and I need you to answer them honestly” he paused and Aziraphale nodded but looked a little confused.
“Okay, do you live alone, do you work with anyone else, have you had any social or other contact with anyone in the last three weeks” he took a deep breath “are you in a social bubble with anyone and if not do you want to be, you know with, with me?”
Aziraphale beamed the smile lighting up all of London and certainly lighting a fire in Crowley’s heart “oh my dear...yes I live alone, I got my bookshop” his eyes lit up in pleasure “remember I told you I wanted one, well I did it, seven years ago now it’s exactly what I dreamed of, on a corner in Soho it’s full of old books, classics, first editions some I’ve collected since childhood” he frowned “not that ever I intend to sell them you understand, you really wouldn’t believe the sort of people who think that they are capable of looking after a first edition Wilde or a rare annotated copy of Hamlet, it’s not just a case of keeping them on a shelf and flicking a duster over them once a week. And don't get me started on…” he stopped as Crowley started laughing and flushed red “oh I got a little sidetracked didn’t I” Crowley nodded face full of affection, “now where was I” he tapped his chin “ah yes the shop well I closed in March as everyone did and managed with the remote help of my part time assistant...it’s amazing what you can do without physical contact I had no idea. Well to move a most of the business online. As I’ve said I mainly deal in somewhat rare books and sales are few and far between and on their own aren’t enough to pay the bills so I also restore other people’s rare books, I also have an arrangement with the London Library and British Museum, they send me there more complex book restorations he wiggled “I am quite sought after you know”
“I bet you are” Crowley waggled his eyebrows suggestively before softening his tone “I’m so proud of you angel, you followed and achieved your dream, not many people can say that”
“Oh...thank you.” another blush and darting flick of his eyes “Anyway what I was trying to explain was that I haven’t needed to see anyone to carry out this work I live alone above the shop and anything that I need delivered I place in an alarmed security box at the back of the property and my assistant picks them up and takes them wherever they need to go, he then leaves further items back in the box for me to collect. I’m still working this way.
“I reopened in August with limited hours to allow for extra cleaning, put screens in place and lots of sanitizer and I limited the amount of people in the shop, not that there were ever hoards of people in there at once anyway but I limited it to two to be safe and I strictly forbid anyone to touch the books, if they wanted to see something I was the only person to touch it until they purchased it.” Azi gave a little giggle “that’s the only good thing to come out of all this, I don’t like people touching by books” he sobered and continued with a sad smile “I closed again as per the rules in November and I haven’t opened again. I hope to soon, well when I’m allowed to and when I feel it’s safe to do so but I must admit I’m quite scared of contracting this virus and terrified of getting it and passing it onto some of my more vulnerable associates. So in answer to you questions dear no I’ve not seen anyone other than in passing at a distance for weeks, I have my food delivered” he brightened “ do you know there’s a wonderful online wholesaler that I found back in April that usually delivers to the restaurant and hotel industry but of course not now, well they will deliver to households and the fruit and vegetables are simply wonderful so much better than supermarkets and their pastries are simply devine I must give you the web address so you can...oh I did it again didn’t I”
Crowley nodded with a soft smile “It doesn’t matter angel I like listening to you and I get the impression that you go off on tangents rather a lot.”
“Mmmm I guess I do. I just get so excited about things and I don’t have anyone to tell usually...well that about sums it up sadly. I have no one special and I’ve seen no one in person for weeks and weeks. I don’t have anyone to be in a bubble with so yes I would like to with you...if you want that would be good, be wonderful actually”
Crowley nodded and took half a step towards him before stopping “I do want I really do but only if you're sure Angel I can wait, I will wait till this is over if you feel safer that way?” He threw out his arms “we can talk online, on the phone video chat, go for socially distanced walks anything at all we don’t have to be any closer than you want to be.”
Aziraphale nodded and took his own steps forward “I’m sure Crowley, I’ve never been surer about anything I want to be as close to you as I can'' he held out his hand which Crowley swiftly grasped in his own his breath hitching and pulled the other man to him. He wrapped him in his arms one hand firmly splayed across his back the other buried in his hair finally able to relax, finally able to sigh in the knowledge that he was home, was exactly where he had always wanted to be “oh God, oh Azi you can’t know how long, how much, how often I dreamed of this, of holding you, just how much I have missed you!” he moved his hand, cupped his chin and ran his thumb over his bottom lip.
Aziraphale ran his hands over Crowley’s waist, his arms, shoulders and back before finally settling in his hair “My darling Crowley I do, I can, I have...I need Crowley please I need…”
At that Crowley lowered his head and as the chimes of Big Ben rang out the new year he reverently touched his lips to the only ones that had ever mattered and as he swallowed the other man's moan of pleasure he promised himself that he would never again let him go.