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Tsukishima Kei would have said he was dreading coming to Kuroo’s place to celebrate New Years, but in all reality, he was looking forward to it. He wouldn’t admit it out loud but he missed his high school friends dearly. Playing for the Sendai Frogs and having matches almost everyday and working long shifts at the museum had left him no time to catch up with his friends. Contrary to belief, he liked having his friends around and texting him and calling him since he lives alone in his apartment; the emptiness of it felt isolating and depressing, so the ringing and dinging of his phone brought him comfort. He had considered adopting a pet but he was too busy to take care of one, he barely had any time for himself.
Another reason he wasn’t dreading going to Kuroo’s place was because of his childhood crush, Yamaguchi Tadashi. Tsukishima was still in love with him and he probably will be for eternity. He realized he liked his best friend when that boy practically forcefully attached himself to Tsukishima’s hip. No one did that for him, they never tried.
He could never get enough of Yamaguchi’s seemingly endless chatter, even though all throughout high school he would tell him to shut up. He never meant it and Yamaguchi knew that. He just told the green-like haired boy to shut up so that Tsukishima wouldn’t fall even more in love with him, but Yamaguchi spoke one sentence too many and Tsukishima was a goner.
The night air was crisp. It bit at Tsukishima’s nose and cheeks, tinting his skin a rosy pink. Exhaling a breath and clenching his fists inside his coat pockets, he made his way through the driveway to the front door. Kuroo, no surprise at all, lived in a house, not like an apartment like his own, it was big too but not empty because Kenma kept him company there; Tsukishima envied him for that.
The door was unlocked and Tsukishima didn’t even bother to knock since the sound of blasting music flowed through the opened windows and his soft knock wouldn’t be audible. When he stepped in, a couple familiar eyes met his and the familiar faces broke out into large smiles.
“Tsukishima!”
“Tsukki!”
Multiple voices cheered at once. Tsukishima offered them a sheepish smile. Bokuto clapped him on the back and pulled him into a hug which Tsukishima gratefully accepted since it had been a while since someone last hugged him.
“How’ve you been, Tsukki! It’s been awhile since I’ve last seen you!” Bokuto’s voice reached his ears and Tsukishima smiled at him.
“I’ve been good, thank you for asking. I’ve just been busy.” Tsukishima replied and Bokuto nodded in agreement since he had been pretty busy himself.
Tsukishima was then handed off to multiple other friends that asked the same questions and Tsukishima gave the same answer. The blonde man looked for one person in particular. Weaving through the crowd, he finally found him. Yamaguchi was nursing a cup in his hand chatting to Hinata who Tsukishima could hear over a mile away.
“Geez, shrimpy, you’d think after years you’d mature but you’re still eccentric as ever.” Tsukishima joked and Hinata stuck his tongue out at him. He gave him a smile and Hinata’s face was washed with shock but he gave Tsukishima a toothy grin back. It was uncharacteristic of him to smile, but he missed his friends so much that he didn’t care.
“Tsukki, great to see you.” Yamaguchi finally spoke and set his cup down to pull Tsukishima into a warm hug. Tsukishima wrapped his arms around him and pulled him impossibly closer.
Yamaguchi’s scent was familiar and impossible to forget. To him, it smelled of home and comfort, he could and would never get enough of it.
“Great to see you too, Tadashi. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to catch up, I’ve just been-“
“Busy. I know, Kei. I’m just glad you’re okay.” Yamaguchi rubbed his back; if Tsukishima could purr, he would. They finally broke apart from their hug and they talked again, for what seemed like hours and it somehow led them to stand in Kuroo’s backyard, staring at the stars above them.
It made Tsukishima feel like he was in high school again; after practices on Fridays where they would lie down in Tsukishima’s backyard and talk about their days and upcoming plans as they looked at the stars. They’ve done that so many times that Tsukishima was sure he and Yamaguchi could easily draw the night sky from memory. They’re staring at the same stars from those nights all those years ago. They’re adults now; adults with responsibilities and a whole life ahead of them. It made Tsukishima afraid if he was being honest, but if Yamaguchi was by his side, he could conquer anything.
They inhaled at the same time and exhaled. “Can’t believe it’s going to be another year.” Yamaguchi finally said after a couple moments of comfortable silence.
Tsukishima laughed softly, “Yeah, that’s how time works, Yamaguchi.”
He heard Yamaguchi snort next to him. “Always a smart-ass, Tsukki. You never changed after all these years.”
“Of course not Yamaguchi. If I did change, I’m sure we wouldn’t be friends right now.”
“Maybe you’re right. In that case, never change.” Yamaguchi turned to look at him.
Tsukishima looked at him back. It had just struck him how much Yamaguchi had changed and matured during the years. He was no longer a shy kid, but an outgoing, amazing human being. His best friend had always been cute, but now he was beautiful and it took his breath away. He was glad he was there to experience Yamaguchi grow into the person he is today.
“I wasn’t planning to, Tadashi.”
He opened his mouth again. Right now felt like the perfect time to confess. The stars catching Yamaguchi’s eyes, the moon illuminating his face, it was perfect. But the words got caught in his throat. He couldn’t spit them out. Maybe because Yamaguchi just looked so ethereal in that moment that he didn’t want to say anything in case he said the wrong thing and made Yamaguchi angry. He swallowed his words and looked down at the grass beneath their feet.
He cleared his throat and opened his mouth again, “Listen-“
“Guys! It’s almost time! Come inside.” Akaashi’s sweet voice rang out and the bubble they were in bursted with the intrusion. They looked back at the man and gave him a nod. Yamaguchi and Tsukishima shared a look and then headed inside where it was warmer and stuffier.
Yamaguchi left his side and wandered somewhere else and it made his heart ache and break a little. An arm slung itself over his shoulder and Tsukishima turned to the side to see who the owner of it was and to no surprise, it was Kuroo.
“Tsukki!” He slurred, obviously a bit tipsy. “Are you having a fun time? The ball is about to drop you know, get someone to smooch or else I will smooch you.”
Tsukishima lifted Kuroo’s arm off him, “I was until you came. And no smooching me, Kenma will murder me.”
“Always so smart, Tsukki. Kiss someone, it’s bad luck if you don’t.” And with that, Kuroo left.
The countdown started and Tsukishima’s heart began to race with it. He felt like throwing up.
“5!”
Tsukishima’s hands were sweating.
“4!”
The room was too hot.
“3!”
Tsukishima started to look for him.
“2!”
People started to pair up with their significant others and god, how Tsukishima envied them.
“1!”
Tsukishima finally found the guy he was looking for, only for his world to come crashing down on him. The music which was blasting, was suddenly gone. His former teammates and competitors vanished from view. He could only focus on the sight ahead of him.
Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. He was too late, horribly, mortifyingly so. Yamaguchi was kissing someone else. Someone who wasn’t him. Someone who Tsukishima wishes he was. Someone Tsukishima could never be. He watched as their lips moved together, Yamaguchi Tadashi and Miya Osamu ending the old year and starting the new year together. Fuck.
His throat ached terribly, a sob was threatening to come out. His eyes stung. They were moistening as time passed. Through blurry vision, he found the front door and stepped outside back into the freezing cold. He was too late. His tears ran down his cheeks and onto the sidewalk below him, staining it with his own sorrow. Jagged breaths left his mouth and evaporated into the air. A whimper made its way from behind his lips and floated up the heavens for whatever god to listen to his melancholy to only do nothing about it.
He was stupid wasn’t he. He wouldn’t have come to the gathering if he knew it would end up in heartbreak. It’s only been a couple minutes since the new year started and it was already shit. He wiped at his eyes, his glasses clumsily making its way up his face and get caught in his hair. He kept his palms pressed against his eyes to prevent anymore tears from falling, but it proved unsuccessful when the tears wet his hands and still streamed down his cheeks in unforgiving waterfalls.
He felt as if all those years of friendship led to nothing. It hurt so bad. It hurt worse than receiving, hurt worse than when he blocked Ushijima’s spike back in high school. His heart felt like it was being crushed and stomped on until it was dust only for the wind to carry it away and scatter it everywhere so it seemed like nothing had ever happened.
Tsukishima felt like he was being overly dramatic, but he was sure he and Yamaguchi were soulmates, one way or another. He would never come across someone like him in a lifetime. Yamaguchi was the right person but at the wrong time. Tsukishima should’ve confessed back in high school when everything was just right. Maybe if he did it then, he wouldn’t be in this mess currently. The regret was suffocating. Another sob clawed at his throat, begging for release, and Tsukishima did nothing but grant it. His crying was drowned out by cheering and music. He felt so alone.
Tsukishima Kei had no other choice but to once again return to an empty apartment that night.