Chapter Text
The bright lights of the city looked exciting at the first glance a few weeks ago when Skeppy skimmed his eyes over the larger landscape than he was used to. Motorbikes rushed past his hopeless, lost body with a gust of wind, engine roaring giving him a slight startled jump from the unexpected motion.
The city took him by surprise at first, from its loud atmosphere of constant ruckus and parties, it was a scene he never saw himself living in and when he was placed in the unfamiliar city, he felt as if he was living a life that wasn’t meant for him, the shoes he was forced to wear from his leasing plan seemed to be a size too large, never comfortably fitting snug to his feet.
It was never that he was uncomfortable with the ideas of flashing lights and casinos, he just wished he wanted it a little more than he did in the current moment. He felt something was missing, when the lost feeling was found he would feel like the flashing lights that littered themselves across the taller buildings that peered over his smaller frame, blurring right into the crowds that he so hated at the beginning.
His friends were even more weary on the newer atmosphere, obviously feeling uncomfortable with the unfamiliar place that they soon were forced to call home. It never felt like home, though. Their lives clashing together in all the wrong ways, as if the puzzle pieces were found from a completely different box, all being tipped into one, neither one of them fitting together in any way.
Schedules being incompatible with some members staying awake like a night owl at early hours in the morning, some having a strict schedule of early morning showers and evacuating the house by 10. It would never work, some shushing others from their work because they wanted to sleep and were heavily disrupted even as much as they plugged their ears with the tips of their fingers, the sound barley being muffled.
A lot moved away, some never even arrived. Skeppy wasn’t sure if it was because of reasons with law or if they heard stories about the home and decided to not even try to show up to the hell hole.
Skeppy felt lonely after weeks alone in the overly large space for one person, the amount of bills being posted through his letter box wasn’t much of a help for his mental health too, yet he was too afraid to do what made him feel happy because it was as equally just as selfish.
He was alone constantly, he longed for touch from anything, anyone but with no avail, just becoming even more touch deprived every waking day.
He was reaching his limit of patience with himself and his surroundings, even when looking out the window at the flashy lights it made his skin crawl and a bitter taste make its way into his mouth, taking over any taste buds with the remaining flavour of sweetness.
He hated the feeling, the feeling of wanting to escape a place where the exit was locked up with chains and restrictions. He felt lost, searching for a touch that would make him feel life, the life similar to the feeling that everyone described would come from the atmosphere of the flashy city, yet, the description of the feeling never seemed to appear.
The life he was set up to live was hard, draining and made him feel less motivated every passing day. The city was drowning, crowds and colours washing over him like a towering wave on an empty sea. The surroundings just seemed loud and overwhelming, he’d had enough of feeling like he was a tiny fish in the large space of water compared to the larger sharks that circled him like he was prey.
He was losing his motivation, each day becoming more daunting with his uneven schedule that he hated to follow, even if there wasn’t much to it to follow, the time where he was left to do his own thing was the time he hated the most, his feet carrying him to the couch where he would stare up at the ceiling examining nothing in particular, boredom washing over his small body that was swallowed by the large city.
Skeppy was soon to break, his mind becoming fragile and frail as people would ask him questions on why he looked as if he hadn’t slept in days, clearly demonstrated by the large bags that seemed to make their home under his beady, milky brown eyes. It was true, he equally hadn’t and the bags were there to show it, he wanted nothing more than to curl up into the sheets that lay crinkled in his overly large bedroom, falling into the comfort of being happy, proud of his day even if it was the smallest achievement. The tanned skin man didn’t have many of those anymore, days playing on repeat like a broken recorder, same meals and occasionally a shower every few days, that was if he mustered up the energy to leave his bedroom.
His curtains always seemed to be glued shut together, fabric brushing against each other leaving no sunlight and colourful lights to peer through, a reminder of his failure with a new start.
His viewers always seemed to be supportive even when his mood had dropped, acting like a lost puppy that was left alone by its family who moved away. He knew he could trust them to send him hearts in the chat box, doing anything to make the gloomy face crack a smile.
Skeppy kept it locked away and hidden though, not wanted to exclude the fact that he was so close to breaking and crying every day, they didn’t deserve such a sad character in front of the screen but he really couldn’t take the constant pain and suffering anymore, hating the husky voice that left his throat from the lack of sleep, here leads us to the sad man, sitting idly on his chair, staring down at nothing in particular, trying to muster words to leave his throat without cracking into a million pieces, emotions unravelling like a ball of yarn in a kittens grasp in front of thousands of his supporters.
“I just feel so alone,” The man continued from his previous statement explaining his situation. Explaining his built up emotions to the online crowd of thousands, he was so close to shattering into tears, afraid of one wrong move and he’d fall into a deep pit of icy cold water, feeling like sharp needles pricking against his skin.
His dark caramel eyes skimmed over the chat box quickly, trying to read a singular message as more rushed in, pushing the previous out of sight. He struggled doing this for a few seconds until finally stumbling across a message that was short and sweet, the chat lagging slightly making the message stay on the screen a little longer.
“Why don’t you just break the lease? I guess I could but,” Skeppy began, quoting the message that he previously read on the bright glowing screen that lied in front of his eyes, the light illuminating the slightly dimmed down room from the closed curtains and early morning hours. “I would lose so much money…” He continued, releasing a breath he didn’t notice he was holding, trapped hostage in his lungs.
It wasn’t as if he was in a financial position to be struggling for money from his big escape in the flashy city, he just thought it would be incredibly selfish to do so, to run away from the place he hated the most just because he couldn’t handle the next five months? The idea of being so selfish crossed the man’s mind many times before but he never seemed to take the idea into action, preventing his bank account from taking most of the damage.
He sometimes wondered if he should feel selfish for not doing so, attacking his mental health in so many directions until he fell down to the ground, the energy and want to get up vanished out of any sight or reach. There were so many reasons on why he was sat in front of a stream, emotions exposed as if someone ripped the layer of skin covering him from the public yet the tanned man began to wonder if the main reason was because he was longing for an escape, someone to hold him and tell him it would be okay, a figure he so desperately wanted in his life yet the mystery person was so out of reach, Skeppy thought he would be willing to do anything to get the person by his side, whoever they were.
Skeppy was always one to believe that there was always someone meant for him out in the world that seemed to be so drowning, someone to hold and cradle him in his arms and make him feel loved, to place kisses all over his face. Starting at his forehead which would make him giggle from the sensation, the kiss lingering on each spot it had been lied, the soft lips that he would so adore would travel down to his cheeks, making the blush that was so light before become the shade a blooming flower over his darker skin, the heat dancing over his skin making him feel flustered and embarrassed, just by someone that he loved so dearly. The feeling moving onto the corners of his lips, the sensation teasing over his smile that grew winder at the newfound feeling, the lips dancing over each spot of space around his face, avoiding anywhere but his lips.
Until the feeling made its way onto his lips, the warmth that was so desired finally falling onto his soft lips, he would drown into the face in front of his, whining from the contact that he longer for and finally received, the affection would burst through his lips and make him smile, only to push forward even more trying to cover himself in more of the feeling that he so desperately desired every night, staring up at the ceiling just to wonder what it would feel like to be loved.
Pure love and emotion would fall into his brain, limbs falling limp as he would melt away, eyelids fluttered shut along time ago and his brain would feel drowsy, high on a drug that seemed more like a medication. He would fall deeper into the feeling, admiring the way he felt as if he could feel comfort dancing over his skin; imitating the way the sun would crawl over his skin on hot Florida days, ice cream and family, pure bliss falling over his body, soaking up the feeling that he loved so much.
Touch deprived, he missed contact more than any other thing he had ever felt. His only desire being to fall into someones arms, the feeling being so wanted by the other who would just hold him in with no questions, pure love radiating from the person, just because they cared so dearly.
Being alone in the big city was something that Skeppy so hoped would fix his feelings, being surrounded by people being the fix to his long awaited comfort, yet it seemed just to make him feel even more excluded as he gazed out the window ever so often, his eyes would be met with couples who walked down the street with their hands intertwined, smiling at each other as their faces would meet, communicating wordlessly just from staring into the others eyes, a feeling and person Skeppy so desperately waited for, a person and figure in his life that he could communicate with just from blinking his eyes or giving off the littles body movement to mouth a silent ‘I love you’.
He was staring blankly at his chat, sometimes finding enough words to reply to messages, viewers trying their best to comfort the man that seemed so lost, yet he began to get lost in thought of what the comfort of someone would feel like on his own skin.
“I don’t know guys, I’m not really looking for a solution,” He began to talk after what must have been minutes of radio silence, “I just felt like I needed somewhere to talk about this, y’know?” He explained letting his breath even out, the eyes from the streamer glanced over to the chat, support messages flooding through pushing a weight off of his shoulder that felt so heavy.
He knew his viewers would understand, he knew he could talk to them about anything even if he didn’t know them personally, every message he saw made his insides smile and bloom, the smile being restricted from his face by the constant ache he would feel in his bones from the loss of skin on his own, a smile returned making him giggle.
He hadn’t really understood why he let his problems spill out so easily in front of the large crowd, especially not understanding the wanted outcome from telling the problems so carelessly. The man felt as if he shouldn’t be so sulky about the situation, how people that gave him support must have been going through so much more yet here he was complaining about being alone in the overpopulated city, how he didn’t want to waste money, not because he didn’t have enough. His mind reassured him that it was okay to have emotions, okay to let a tear roll down his cheek ever so often, it was allowed.
The ping of a message radiated through his headphones that pressed against his ears, the soft cushion making it comfortable enough to keep them on for a longer period of time. The sound that was so dear to his heart, a ping from one person that would be awake at such hours with the easy care to message the man that sat alone.
“Hold on I think Bad wants to talk to me,” He said, stating the truth as his eyes flicker past buttons with various different outcomes on the overly intensely glowing screen, finding the exact one that would lead to his possible comfort.
His eyes move across the screen for just a moment to look over his viewers reactions, in front of his eyes is met with supportive messages like always added along with a few joys of the possibility of Bad joining, they made him smile because, well, he felt the same as they all did, all giddy from the man's easily brought comfort.
The man slightly struggled around with his mouse for a few seconds, the sounds of clicking and slight movements echoed through the stream, broadcasting to many that were watching with patience that was slowly being lost from the dragged on time waiting for another voice to fill the silent air, a little sweeter than the younger man’s voice that was slightly husky from lack of sleep.
Familiar sounds of channels connecting are played as Skeppy stares at his screen awaiting for his friend to act on his own moments and join the channel. With not much of a wait, the sound that was waited for played, Skeppy visibly perking up from his slouched down position on his desk, slightly out of frame of the webcam, the stream unable to see a section of his body that was slowly being lost to sleep.
“Hey man, I uh— was watching your stream,” The voice began, Skeppy assumed who it was by not only the actions and mentions of his name previously but his overly sweetening voice that sometimes seemed sickening gave it away instantly. It was as if Skeppy was drowning in a sea of frosting by how careful he traded with his voice, so subconsciously. The voice was laced with honey, added sugar and a tub of sprinkles. The younger man felt as if he could feel the colours of the sprinkles bursting through his voice; a smile would have fell to his lips if he didn’t feel so utterly lost and hopeless in the given moment.
There was still a worry in his mind despite the reassuring voice that was present in the call, he wished it could be so simple to disappear with such an easy solution, a comfort of another one's care floating through his ears, nothing was that simple; oh how perfect things would play out if they were.
“I was thinking, why don’t you just break the lease?” Bad said, almost clueless of how difficult and complicated the situation was behind the camera, how he broke down every night, contemplating the idea over in his head, over and over again; the constant thought that had no plans on stopping its constant repeat.
“I would but-” He was stopped by an unexpected sigh, “we both know it’s a lot more than that..” Skeppy wished it was a lie that slipped between the gaps of his teeth but it wasn’t reality as much as he dreamt it to be.
The ideal world would have worked out so perfectly for him, cradled in another’s arms as they share secrets about their lives when they weren't stuck together like super glue. The embarrassing stories of childhood and preschool coming at so much ease to tell just because of the trust that was between the made up perfect person that Skeppy never knew if he would finally find.
“But—you’re, you’re miserable, Skeppy!” The older man said, expressing his worry for Skeppy’s mental health, clearly worried about his well being in the daunting apartment. Skeppy knew he should do what was right for his own health, yet, he couldn’t bring himself to do so. How much trouble he would be in if he did the idea he thought about every night, the thoughts that made his nights so sleepless.
“Hey! Why don’t you just—hm, uh- I don’t know, find a random stranger on the street!” The one across the line expressed as if he had come up with the best solution to the problem, as if it would fix every single drop of Skeppy’s worries. He perked his head up at the face cam at the silly statement, cracking a smile and a small giggle at his best friends unreasonable ideas.
Clearly hearing the slight change in mood across the call from Skeppy, Bad decides to nip back at the little giggle that he received at his words, “Mph- don’t laugh at me!” He defends himself from the sound he heard before continuing with a justifiable sentence, “Okay, maybe not just any random muffin off the street but— You get what I mean!” He said, going back on his previous words, dragging out the maybe to emphasize his own point, the sentence sounding so much sweeter that way.
It was weird how much the bright light of a person could make his day shine, Skeppy believed that he couldn’t even wear a smile on his face that day, seen to be proven wrong just from the shortest conversation with his friend, gleaming up at the camera all giggly for a reason that was soon unknown.
Though the sentence shouldn’t have mirrored the idea to Skeppy, it still did. He had always fascinated himself living with the person that made him so happy everyday, ever since the offer he let down so many moons ago, an offer he deeply wished he took on.
Living with Bad seemed like a dream, to feel at home, run into his arms whenever he would feel like it. Falling asleep on the couch while they snuggled deeper into the warmth that lay beside them, popcorn discarded on the coffee table, leaving it for their future selves to clean up the next day.
To go out adventuring in the city that he hated so much, Bad being able to make it so enjoyable, Skeppy knew of it. To test out which stalls of snacks gave out the best freshly baked doughnuts, not nearly compared to the muffins they made at home together, the special ingredient lacing the recipe together, love.
Going out at night just to admire the bright lights that littered themselves across the outdoor world, mimicking the colours of stars and streetlamps on your childhood street, a black cat wandering underneath the orange glowing lamp.
Having just his company would be enough for Skeppy. Not only did this seem like the ultimate dream for him, he knew that the said scenario was also longed for by many, his phone mentions probably taking days to look though if said situation was to play through.
He wanted it so bad, more than he had ever wanted something in his entire life.
Who knew Bad was thinking the same thing, definitely not Skeppy.